Worst Top 10 List of All Time

As I've mentioned before, I love Top 10 Lists. Not because I think they give me any kind of insightful information, or influence any of my decisions, but because most of them are just so fucking wrong that it makes me laugh.

And I thought that the aforementioned Spin "List" was hilarious. That was, until someone pointed out this piece of shit to me: Total Film's Greatest Movies of All Time. Take a look and come back.

Done?

First off: Fight Club, fourth best movie ever; better than Citizen Kane. This is only slightly more crazy than claiming that the chicken shoved up your ass told you to shoot The President.

And the amount of crack one would need to ingest to claim that Goodfellas is better than The Godfather 2 would kill the average person, but apparently not the compilers of this list.

Tokyo Story? I love Japanese cinema, but, what the fuck? Have you seen this film?

Of course, I complain, but mean nothing, since I don't work for a "magazine," and, therefore, what I think is wrong. If Rolling Stone says that Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water is the Best Album Ever, then you better fucking believe it is. Same deal here. If Total Film says that the three Lord of the Rings movies are better than 99% of the movies released in the history of the world, then they are.

All that being said, I'm going to go out a limb here. This is a (kind of) printed media, read by at least four people. Therefore, I'm able to play God, and put together a Top 10 List that you have to like it or lump it.

So, here's my 10 Greatest Movies of All Time List (in no real particular order):

Dawn of the Dead
The Hustler
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Once Upon A Time In The West
Blade Runner
Network
Pulp Fiction
Hard-Boiled
Evil Dead
Annie Hall

Since all "Greatest" lists supersede one another, and the most recent one is actually The Greatest, these 10 movies are The Greatest Ever for like the next five seconds, until someone comes up with another one of these lists. And if you don't think so: fuck you. I know I'm right. It says "10 Greatest Movies of All Time," doesn't it?

The 5 Year Old Virgin

The other day, for no reason, one of the voices in my head screamed out one of the funniest lines from The 40 Year Old Virgin: "Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?"

While not everyone (or no one, probably) finds that funny, I thought it was hilarious, because, as a child, I, too, owned the Oscar Goldman action figure. And he was awesome. Sure, he was pretty much just a Ken doll with a receding hairline, and was dressed like a complete tool (a green turtleneck? What the fuck?), but the exploding briefcase he came with was pretty sweet. Waaaay better than anything Steve Austin came with.

Happy Anniversary, Jason!!

Seeing as this year marks the 25th anniversary of Friday the 13th, and since AMC is playing it in pretty regular rotation this month, I thought I'd recount a story of just how far a person was willing to go to prove he was right.

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine and a co-worker began a debate on whether or not Friday the 13th actually took place on Friday the 13th. My friend argued the position that it did. In the beginning of the movie, there is a subtitle that reads, "June 13, Present Day." In 1980, the year the movie was released, June 13th did actually fall on a Friday. (It says as much on the poster as well, but maybe he didn't have a copy of that handy.) So, he was right, right?

The co-worker, however, argued the opposite side. In one of the later films, The Final Chapter, I believe, there is a scene in which the tombstone of Mrs. Voorhees, who died at the end of the first movie, is shown, and it clearly shows that she died in 1979. June 13th was not a Friday in 1979, so the co-worker is also right.

But, my friend believed that was a film flub, and went to an extreme length to prove it: He contacted Victor Miller, the screenwriter of Friday the 13th. Mr. Miller backed my friend's position and claimed that Friday was indeed intended to take place on Friday the 13th. (I'm sure he would also have liked to point out that if my friend had actually watched the movie, he would have noticed the scene between Steve and the sheriff, where the sheriff actually says it's Friday the 13th. But that's neither here nor there.) Needless to say, that put the argument to bed fairly quickly.

So, the person who was willing to go waaaaaay out of his way won. Sure, this is one of those have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too arguments, where both positions are actually correct, but who cares about that? It's all about doing the most extreme thing possible to prove you're right, and then throwing it in the other guy's face. Well played, sir; well played.

Making Movies...To The XTreme!!

On the front of one of the movies I'd seen recently was a trailer for a movie called First Descent. It appears to be a documentary about snowboarding. I'm thinking, "Somewhat limited demographic, but, whatever." (The same can be said for Family Guy, but I can't help notice Fox keeps putting that back on the air. Oh well.) At the end, I just happened to notice a little blurb for the production company, named MD Films (much like how I noticed the address for this website at the bottom of an Orbitz.com commercial). Normally, I wouldn't think anything of this; there are thousands of production companies that have whatever fucked up names. But, something about the lettering of "MD" looked familiar to me.

When I got home, I looked up MD Films on the web. Turns out, the "MD" looked familiar because it stands for "Mountain Dew." D'oh!!

The idea of a beverage company producing movies is a fucked up one. It's as though Pepsi, the maker of Mountain Dew, became jealous of the fact the Coca-Cola owned Columbia Pictures during the 80s, and decided they wanted to get into the movie game too. But Columbia was a freestanding company that just happened to be owned by Coke; the movies it produced had nothing to do with Coke. MD Films is actually a division of Pepsi. Which essentially means it's nothing more than a marketing tool.

I suspect that sometime during First Descent, at least one of the snowboarders will be shown drinking a Mountain Dew, and that their logo will appear no less than six times. I see it as being a shameless promotion of their product, which is pretty pathetic. When Transamerica owned United Artists, I don't ever remember seeing any product placements for insurance in any of their movies. Yet, I'm willing to bet that First Descent will just be loaded with Dew.

So, I see two possible things happening with this movie: 1) it will flop, and MD Films will never make another movie; or 2) it will be a hit, and we'll see MD movies about skateboarding, BASE diving, and wakeboarding, because, if you believe Mountain Dew's commercials, xtreme sporters are their main consumers, and should have more movies targeted towards them.

Needless to say, I'm hoping for outcome #1. Fuck you, Mountain Dew!!

Last Five Movies

Domino (2005)
Tony Scott has ADD. There's no other reason to explain why this movie looks like it does. And I use the term "movie" loosely here, as it's more of a series of scenes that just happen to be on the same roll of film. I don't think there's anything on the screen for more than a second. And I think that may be a generous estimate. Scott should stop taking stylistic cues from Natural Born Killers, and make movies that actually appear to be movies, and not moving photocollages. He needs to go back to his Top Gun days, when his movies were still big and dumb, but at least they had some kind of coherent plot and didn't hurt my eyes. Oh well. If nothing else, at least this movie adds the words "blacktino" and "Chinegro" to our lexicon.

Waiting... (2005)
What an odd movie. It's, more or less, Clerks in a restaurant, but not as funny. As far as I can tell, it's about nothing more than the rules and regulations for the Penis Showing Game. (And, yes, it is exactly what it sounds like.) And what bothers me most about that is not that there is a game like this, but that someone heard about it happening in a restaurant and incorporated it into a movie. I'm never eating out again. Ever.

Serenity (2005)
Usually, when a TV show gets made into a movie, it's based upon the popularity of the TV show being able to get fans into a movie theatre, to pay for what they get for free on TV. (The X-Files movie is a great example of this.) But Firefly, the show on which Serenity is based, was a flop, canceled after a handful of episodes. So, why the movie? Because the DVD set of Firefly's only season flew off the shelves. And, hence, this movie was made. And it's a real oddball: a literal Space Western, complete with six-shooters and Western vernacular. It's just offbeat enough that I can easily see why it never caught on. It's a great movie for fans, though.

God Told Me To (1976)
Recently, Larry Cohen has come back into vogue with a series of phone-related movies. But, back in his first heyday, he came into prominence for coming up with some seriously wacky shit. Like ice cream that eats people, and giant Mexican deities destroying New York City, not to mention an entire series of killer baby movies. And God Told Me To falls right in the middle of his Wacky Period. And if you think the idea of people committing random murders because "God told them to" is goofy, wait until you hear the actual reason. A real winner.

It's a sad week for movies when this is the best:

Cut and Run (1985)
Ruggero Deodato is one sick motherfucker. He probably didn't invent the Cannibal Movie, but he sure did perfect it. Essentially a follow-up to Cannibal Holocaust, the worst movie ever (and by "worst," I don't mean "bad filmmaking"; I mean "wanting to put a shotgun in your mouth and die." Yes, it's that depressing.), Cut and Run is more or less an American-cast rehash of Lenzi's Make Them Die Slowly and Eaten Alive. And what an American cast it is! (Willie Ames and Michael Berryman, for fuck's sake!!) And, while the movie is lacking in the usual animal mutilations, it is not at all lacking in people mutilations. But then, it wouldn't be a Cannibal Movie if it was.

Jessica Biel Is Ugly

Actually, she's not, but, in terms of being named the entertainment world's "Sexiest Woman Alive," she is.

Usually, when magazines name the "sexiest so-and-so alive," they pick someone who is hot appearance- and career-wise. Last year, it was Angelina Jolie. (No qualms there.) This year, sure, Jessica's got the appearance thing, no problem. But can you name the last movie she was in? Can you name the next one she's in? Yeah, nobody can.

Is all of this a bad thing? Noooooo. I'll look at some scantily clad pictures of Jessica any/every day. But, if you want someone who's on the "It" List right now, I think you picked the wrong Jessica. I'd have put Ms. Alba on this cover, and saved Ms. Biel for the "Sexiest Woman With No Noticeable Career" issue. Just my opinion.

Rumors Be True?

Anyone who reads the gossip rags knows that, for quite some time, there has been a rumor that this will be Michael Vartan's last season on Alias. Apparently, Mrs. Garner-Affleck is uncomfortable having the man who busted up her first marriage around while her current husband visits the set. So, seeing as Garner is the star of the show and one of its producers, rumor has it that Vartan's days are numbered.

Of course, Vartan denies these claims. (It's also been rumored that Garner is leaving the show, and she'll be replaced with a much hotter girl.) As rumors go, this one is pretty run-of-the-mill.

And then, a funny thing happened. On last week's premiere of Alias, Vartan's character was killed. So, are the rumors true, or are they pulling our legs?

If this was any other show but Alias, I'd say Vartan was done. When characters on other TV shows die, they tend to stay dead. (It's worth noting that Patrick Duffy was dead for an entire season of Dallas, only to reappear after the famous "It Was Only A Dream" episode.) But this is a J.J. Abrams show, and Abrams loves to fuck with people. (Fans of Lost who have never seen Alias are just now finding this out.) Characters on Alias disappear and reappear with no rhyme or reason. There are at least two characters that have died more than once during the show's run. (Amy Irving has died three times on the show, and still appeared in an episode last season.) No one is truly dead in the land of Alias.

So, is Michael Vaughn dead? Sure looks like it. Is Michael Vartan off the show? I wouldn't count on it.

Picking The Gayest Fight In History

It's one thing to pick fights with people. Everyone does it; it makes them feel big. But you have to be careful who you pick a fight with, because if you pick the wrong target, you might end up looking like a fag.

Last month, Kelly Clarkson was having some fun, and busted Hilary Duff's balls a little bit. Duff's boyfriend, Benji Madden, of the band Good Charlotte, was not going to take this "attack" on his beloved sitting down. He launched a counter-attack on Clarkson on his blog, in which he basically called her talentless and fat. (Benji is kinda "goth," and, therefore, prefers someone with a skeleton body rather than a normal body.) Later, the post was deleted, and Benji ended up apologizing for the whole incident. (Take careful notice here who backed down first.)

Now, if you're in a punk(/pop) band, I can see why you'd want to pick fights with people, especially when they "diss" your "bitch." You want to keep up your punk image. But your "rep" isn't helped by picking a fight with Kelly Clarkson. This is like picking a fight with Peabo Bryson. And this isn't like Johnny Rotten or Henry Rollins going on the offensive. You're in Good Charlotte, for Christ's sake. You're about as "punk" as The Wiggles. It's also really classy that you're a 26-yr old going to bat for your girlfriend who's been legal for approximately five days. Way to go, Rape-O!!

So, next time you decide to pick a fight, use your brain a little, and pick someone who isn't a girl. You don't look as much like a nancy that way.