My Only Songs

The End of An (Hilarious) Era

2010-12-19T00:22:00.014-06:00

Last week, we lost a legend. No, not Bob Feller, but Larry King, who didn't actually die, but his career certainly did. Yes, after 25 years, Larry King has retired Larry King Live. Unfortunately, he waited about five years too long.

Fortunately, those extra five years have shown us that Larry is no longer the great interviewer he once was and is now a doddering old fool. And if doddering old fools are good for one thing, it's embarrassing themselves with no shame, much like when that doddering old fool Regis Philbin slapped Nicki Minaj on the ass on live TV (and boy, was Kelly Ripa quick to jump all over him for that). And Larry King is no exception. His past five years have been filled with some hilariously douche chilly moments, so much so that it's a wonder the suits at CNN didn't pull his plug before now. But I'm glad they didn't, as we would have been robbed of some of the greatest moments in the history of television.

So, as a tribute to the end of King's reign, here's some of Larry's greatest moments, captured for posterity, so that we can all remember the King's legacy of idiocy. Enjoy.

During an interview with Sharon Tate's sister, Larry hits us with some breaking news about who really committed the Tate/LaBianca murders:

After watching Jake Brown's horrific skateboarding crash approximately 100 times, Larry utters a classic internet meme at the 3:56 mark:

Larry gets bored with this tale of rape and kidnapping and becomes fascinated with groceries:

During an interview with Al Pacino (whose hair is frightening), Larry becomes "That Guy that Asks Celebrities to Do Lines from Their Movies":

And, in possibly the greatest thing to ever be shown on TV, in discussing Dr. Laura's use of the word "nigger" on her show, Larry comes up with a PC version that is more offensive than the actual word:

He will be missed.

Post-Oscars Post

2010-03-08T02:31:00.016-06:00

As you may have noticed, I didn't do my annual Oscar nomination post. Mostly because...well, who really cares this year. The movies were so bad that I could really care less about who wins or loses. In fact, if they just took all the Oscars and handed them out to the cast and crew of The Hurt Locker, that'd be fine by me.

But I watched the damn show anyway, because I've watched it for the last 25 years; why stop now?

My assorted thoughts and observations:

-If Neil Patrick Harris hadn't already come out of the closet, that tuxedo and musical number would have outed him;

-With those glasses, Steve Martin looks like approximately everyone's grandmother;

-It's nice to see they reinstated the Jim Crow Laws and put the cast from Precious waaaaay off stage left;

-Again with letting Penelope Cruz talk. What, Roberto Benigni was unavailable?

-Finally, they figured out a way to do the Best Animated segment without putting animated characters with humans. And of course Coraline lost. Best Animated Film: Why would it win that?

-I guess I had no idea T-Bone Burnett was eight feet tall;

-I kinda like the Six Degrees of Separation thing they did with the presenters for the Best Picture nominees;

-Why is it that Tina Fey always looks like hell when she's trying NOT to look like hell? And pleeeease stop it with the fucking Reading of the Screenplays;

-Wow. Where the fuck did they find Molly Ringwald? Matthew Broderick was so stunned, he nearly fell down the stairs. And douche chills aplenty when all the Brat Packers came out. Time is very cruel;

-I couldn't tell: Is Roger Ross Williams gay? You may not have been able to tell either, what with the distraction of Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life running up on stage;

-So...we're just gonna dress Ben Stiller up in a Halloween costume every year? Believe it or not, he's pretty funny without any props;

-How 'bout that: Roger Corman got an Oscar;

-I believe this marks the first time in history that Robin Williams didn't do his Sassy Black Woman impression, chiefly because I think the sassy black woman that proceeded to win the Oscar would have kicked his white ass;

-Line of the night: "I don't think the plural of 'whores' is 'whoreses'";

-How do you win a Cinematography award for a movie that's 75% computer-generated?

-I wonder if they realize that James Taylor has his own catalog of songs;

-I found it humorous that two of Jennifer Aniston's former boyfriends presented an award together;

-It took Paul Newman 30 years to finally win an Oscar; Fisher Stevens wins one on his first try;

-I didn't think a wig could be gay, but Pedro Almodóvar's just proved me wrong;

-Remember when Jeff Bridges was nominated for Thunderbolt and Lightfoot 30-odd years ago? No? Well, no one else does, either, but it's good to see that he's still the same guy all these years later;

-Sandy Bullock accepts a Razzie AND an Oscar within 24 hours. Who else can say that?

-Here's why James Cameron deserved to lose the Director Oscar: He dumped Kathryn Bigelow, who is pushing 60 and looks great, for Linda Hamilton, who is much younger and...not so much. And...

-He also loses the Big One to his ex-wife. He is now officially an Oscar cuckold.

All in all, the most predictable Oscars ever. If I had cared, I could have handicapped this thing to within about two. But, I didn't, so I didn't. Maybe next year will be more exciting.

BTW, I DVR'd the whole thing and fast-forwarded through all the horseshit, and watched the entire three and a half hours in just under two.

Just a helpful little tip for those who think these things tend get a little long.

Lost Pretty Much Sucks A Dick This Year

2010-03-04T08:24:00.011-06:00

So, Lost, the show that everyone simultaneous loves and hates, is coming to an end. Before the season started, I think that fans of the show thought this was a godsend, as all the questions that had been bothering them for five years would finally be answered. The problem with this final season is that, now that we know the answers, we kinda wish we didn't.

Take, for example, the strange case of Richard Alpert, the seemingly-ageless member of The Others. When Locke asked Juliet how old Richard was, Juliet's answer was simply, "Old." He doesn't appear to have aged in over 50 years. I think that at some time or another, every fan has put together some theory as to why Richard hasn't aged. And now, after last week's episode, we finally know why.

But the thing is...I wish we didn't know. Rather than find out that Richard was a slave on the Black Rock and that he was granted immortality by Jacob, I would have been satisfied not knowing Richard's backstory at all, just leaving the whole thing a mystery. Like maybe someone asks what Richard's deal is and someone else says, "I dunno. He's just always been here" (which is exactly what Juliet told Locke). I'd rather have the ambiguity than the awful answer I was given. And the awfulness doesn't end there.

I've learned to tolerate a lot from Lost. The Others, the Dharma Initiative, the power struggle to control the island, the temporal shifts that caused everyone to end up in the '70s. All crazy, nonsensical stuff, but it all worked in the context of the show. In a setting where more questions are asked than answered, you can pretty much do whatever you want. It's a confusing mess, but it's a fascinating confusing mess.

And now we're getting the answers we've waited for for five years, and they're some of the most unsatisfying answers ever given. It's like if I asked you what the answer to life, the universe, and everything was, and you told me this.

I think what's going on is that the writers came up with all this crazy shit and now they have to come up with reasons for everything. I'm reminded of that episode of The Simpsons where they're digging to the buried treasure and someone asks how they're going to get out of the hole. Chief Wiggums' answer is "Dig up, stupid."

That's what we're getting from Lost this year: A lot of digging up. And that's how we've ended up with the Smoke Monster Guy and Jacob, who apparently brought everyone to the island (even though the reasons for everyone being on the island have been explained before); the Planet of the Apes rejects who live in the temple and look for the Keeper of the Island; the Ajira flight people who are apparently Jacob's bodyguards; the alternate reality where the island doesn't exist; and, the worst of all, not-dead Locke, who, for five seasons, was literally dying to know the secrets of the island, but doesn't get to find out because, well...he's dead and is now nothing more than a skin suit for the smoke monster (yet another revelation I could have lived without).

This show has exactly nine episodes to turn into something decent. If it continues down the same road it's on right now, it's going to turn out to be the most disappointing conclusion in history. Ooooooo, I hope friends aren't pitted against each other in a war to control the island!!

Yuck.

Kevin Smith Got Run

2010-02-17T01:17:00.013-06:00

If you've been in a coffin for the past couple of days, you might have missed that Kevin Smith got thrown off of a Southwest Airlines flight for being too fat. But, considering this is one of the biggest celebrity stories out there right now (Smith has already turned down offers to appear on Good Morning America and Larry King Live), I suspect you have.

If you follow Smith's already-copious Twitter postings, you know that he has doubled his output just commenting on this thing. And his last two SModcasts have been dedicated to nothing but this incident. I don't think Southwest realized that they were throwing a guy off a plane that has a HUGE internet following (1.67 million Twitter followers) which he was going to use to absolutely kick the shit out of Southwest with.

And Southwest's decision doesn't seem to make any sense. Smith was able to fit "inside the armrests," which is Southwest's criterion for fatness. Smith claims there was a fatter person on the flight that was allowed to stay on after Smith was ejected. And, on his second flight, Smith was sat next to a woman who just had the same thing happen to her.

Of course Smith is going to fucking destroy Southwest. Minutes after all this happened, Smith posted about a hundred times to his Twitter account, ragging on Southwest. This is the worst possible kind of p.r. that Southwest could ever receive.

The Girl and I are going to see Smith speak in March. I can't wait to hear this story live.

What To Watch During The All-Star Break

2010-01-28T00:49:00.024-06:00

Now that television has, for some reason or another, decided it needed to take a late Christmas vacation, many of the fall shows are off the air until spring. But, never fear: There are still new shows to watch in the interim. Here's some you can check out:

Damages, Archer, and Justified (all on FX)
FX has one old show (Nip/Tuck) nearing its series finale, and has already replaced it with three new ones. Damages is a perennial Emmy nominee and winner, so you know that's some quality programming. Archer is a hilarious trifle of a cartoon that's just as funny but more focused than creator Adam Reed's previous shows, Frisky Dingo and Sealab 2021. And while Justified doesn't air until March, I know I'll be watching, as it chronicles the exploits of one of my favorite Elmore Leonard characters, US Marshal Raylan Givens. Really, I defy anyone to find better programming than that on FX.

24 (Fox)
The most ridiculous show on TV gets more ridiculous every year. If nothing else, it's always interesting to see what kind of nonsense will call Jack Bauer back to duty, and equally stupefying to see how no one believes anything Bauer says, even though he's never been wrong and has saved the world countless times. I am pleased to see that Elisha Cuthbert is being allowed to merely play Jack Bauer's daughter, as Katee Sackhoff has been cast as the "Girl Who Gets into Some Silly Predicament," a role that Cuthbert was forced to endure for years. If nothing else, I'll keep watching to see how they manage to shoehorn Aaron Pierce back into the show, as he's the only character other than Bauer to appear in every season.

Lost (ABC)
Is there anyone who's not anticipating what's going to happen on this mess?

Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Starz)
It's called Spartacus, but it's more along the lines of Gladiator. Actually, it's exactly like Gladiator, except with more profanity, violence, and nudity. And, seeing as I absolutely fucking hated Gladiator, I think you can guess my feelings on this one. Oh, and for those of you that don't have premium cable, Starz is nice enough to show episodes for free on their website. If it's always been your desire to see Lucy Lawless naked, watch away; otherwise, pass.

Kitchen Nightmares (Fox)
It's always hilarious to see how Fox is going to make Gordon Ramsay seem like the world's biggest asshole. Talk about overamped. (By the way, there's a Billy Mays infomercial on TV right now, even though he's been dead for six months. Some guys can sell anything, even from beyond the grave.)

Caprica (SyFy)
Find out who and what created the robots that will eventually annihilate the human race in this prequel to Battlestar Galactica. So far, I'm hooked.

Human Target (Fox)
A while back, I mentioned my interest in this show. Now that I've seen the first three episodes, I'm still interested, even if the last two episodes haven't been as strong as the pilot. It's nice to see a big name like Jackie Earle Haley get more screentime, but I still fear the show will get canceled. While Fox has set it up to succeed by airing it directly after the #1 show on TV (American Idol), it competes directly against the #5 show on TV (NCIS: Wherethefuckever). We'll just have to see if it can keep up its currently strong ratings.

If I come across anything else watch-worthy, I'll let you know.

Everything Goes (Mostly) Back To Normal

2010-01-23T23:15:00.016-06:00

Now that Conan O'Brien has aired his final Tonight Show, late night television will soon return to its previous state, except with Jimmy Fallon in place of Conan.

I don't watch late night programming. I haven't watched with any regularity since Letterman went to CBS. In fact, it seems the only time I watch is when someone hosts their last show. (I've seen Carson, Letterman, and now Conan's last NBC shows. I also saw Dennis Miller's last show, which has nothing to do with this, but...last show.)

I'll say upfront that I don't like Jay Leno; I really don't think he's funny. I think Conan and Letterman are funny, but their shows air when I'm catching up on all the primetime shows I missed during the night, so I don't watch them either. I have no horses in this race. And I suspect that a lot of people don't either. Yet they're very quick to blame Leno for this whole mess.

As I mentioned, I am not a Leno fan, but, as was the case with the post directly under this one, I'm going to prove that I'm a sucker for lost causes and plead Leno's side on this one.

Basically, the facts of the case are this: Five years ago, NBC re-signed Conan O'Brien, with the promise that O'Brien would get The Tonight Show in 2009. Leno, being a good company man, agreed to step aside.

Flash forward to 2009. Leno's Tonight Show run is done; Conan is poised to ascend the throne. All seems pretty straight-forward, right?

It was, except for one small problem. Actually, a pretty fucking huge problem: Leno was still number one in late night and really had no plans on retiring, much to the chagrin of NBC, which had suspected he would. NBC realized, five years too late, that losing a top-rated program that was still vital to another network would be a problem. So, they canceled five hours of primetime programming to make room for Jay so that they could also honor their deal with Conan.

And of course it turned out to be a failure. Everyone predicted it would, And not just Leno's new show, but Conan's Tonight Show run was a flop as well. So, NBC was forced to eat crow and put everything back the way it was, showing Conan the door in the process.

This is where everyone blames Leno. "Oh, Jay failed and wanted The Tonight Show back, so they fired Conan." What people who say nonsense like this fail to realize that television is all about ratings, and if you don't have the ratings, you get shown the door.

You see, this whole mess is a very simple game of numbers. Let's say, for example, that the Leno version of The Tonight Show drew four million viewers on a nightly basis. Let's also say, for argument's sake, that Conan drew a million viewers on his post-Leno Late Night show. Now, let's say that when Leno moves into primetime, he brings his entire viewership with him, and, because there's more viewers in primetime, picks up an additional million. So, Leno now has five million viewers, which would be great in late night, but is pathetic up against primetime shows that draw 15-20 million. Same thing for Conan. If he brings his entire viewership and gains a million by moving earlier, he'd have his best ratings ever, but he'd still be two million viewers short of what Leno drew. So, two somewhat-new shows failed, and the one that failed the worst, which was Conan's, got canceled.

Every fall, dozens of new shows premiere on TV. If they don't get ratings, they get canceled, even if they've aired only one episode or a whole season. Hell, CBS will cancel a show if it fails to finish in the Top 15. The same is true of late night. Remember Magic Johnson's late night show? Or Chevy Chase's? No? You can't be blamed if you don't, as both only aired for a couple of months before being canceled. The same was true for Conan. He was on for seven months, lost half of The Tonight Show's audience, and regularly finished last in his timeslot. It doesn't matter if you really like Conan and really hate Leno. Conan's show failed. And NBC killed it and gave The Tonight Show back to Leno.

This is another point that's a point of ire for Conan fans. "Well, Jay's show was a failure too. Why does Conan have to suffer for that?" Yes, Leno was a failure...in primetime. On The Tonight Show, he was number one. Of course NBC is going to keep the guy who was able to beat Letterman and put him back on The Tonight Show. Because losing to Letterman is not an option for NBC. And putting Conan back after The Tonight Show really isn't an option, since Jimmy Fallon is doing as well as Conan did in that timeslot.

And of course Jay is going to take the show back. What's he going to say, "No, I actually enjoy finishing last in five different time slots"? NBC offered him the show he was number one on, and he took it. He's not dumb. Business is business.

What it all comes down to is that this whole thing is not Jay Leno's fault. If you want to blame someone, blame NBC, which made an incredibly stupid mistake, backpedaled like crazy to fix it, and fucked Conan O'Brien in the process. Did Jay take advantage of the situation? Why wouldn't he? Other than Conan's fans hating him, there's no downside for him. He's still on TV, doing what he loves, back in the timeslot where he was number one. And he won't have to worry about destroying Conan's career, because Conan will get a show somewhere else and succeed or fail on his own merits and not upon those of his predecessor.

So, if you hate Leno, now you'll have to hate him in late night. Just don't blame him for this whole mess.

Big Mac Admits What We Already Knew

2010-01-12T15:57:00.031-06:00

Mark McGwire has finally admitted what everyone has expected for the better part of 10 years: that he used performance-enhancing steroids while he was playing baseball. The fact that he went from a guy who had the physique of a basketball player to a guy who looked like he could punch through an engine block all but convinced everyone that McGwire was on the juice. Five years ago, when he was called in front of Congress to testify about steroids, he bebopped and scatted all around the issue (as opposed to Sosa and Palmeiro, who outright lied). Since he retired, he's been in virtual seclusion, lending more credence to the fact that maybe he had something important weighing on his mind. And now, he's come out and spilled the beans. And I'm going to do something nutty and defend the guy a little bit.

Remember Skinny McGwire, the one that went to three World Series in the late '80s/early '90s?

That McGwire averaged 36 HRs and 100 RBI a year. Obviously, he had some power hitting ability. And this was before the juice.

But then, in '93, McGwire had a foot injury that put him out of commission for two years. This is approximately when McGwire admits he started using steroids in order to speed up his recovery.

Now, steroid treatment, particularly after surgery, is a very commonplace recovery therapy. I'm willing to bet that a lot of people have taken the steroid Prednisone at some point in their lives. Remember when Jerry Lewis got really fat around the turn of the millennium? That was from Prednisone. That's one of the side effects of steroids: You bulk up. When McGwire took steroids, he bulked up too. The difference between him and Lewis was that McGwire took better steroids and hit the gym like a motherfucker.

Which led to Incredible Hulk McGwire:

(Nice mustache, douche.)

This is the McGwire that would break Roger Maris' HR mark of 61 twice in two years. This is the McGwire that hit 284 HRs over the next five years, almost 50 more than in the previous nine. Now he really had some power hitting ability.

But...what if?

What if he hadn't gotten injured? What if he hadn't needed the steroids to recover? What if he'd continued along the path he'd set in his early years? He'd still have about 530 HRs, plus he might have played longer than 16 years, as nagging injuries wouldn't have shortened his career. In this bizarro world, where baseball players don't take steroids, McGwire may have hit 583 HRs without any sort of performance enhancement.

See, the thing with steroids is...as soon as that word "steroids" comes out, everyone immediately forgets that the offending player had any baseball ability to begin with. It's as though a 98-pound weakling who couldn't even lift a bat took steroids and was suddenly better than Hank Aaron.

But that's not the case. The shitty players that take steroids, like Jason Grimsley and David Segui, for example, continue to be shitty. As I've mentioned before, if I took steroids, I'd probably turn into a fatass. But if I got really motivated, I could hit the gym and turn that bulk into a serious muscular situation. In my current drug-free form, I can't hit a goddamn ball off a tee; what's adding 40 pounds of muscle mass going to do to improve that?

The All-Star players that have all been busted for or accused of steroid use, like McGwire, Petitte, Clemens, Bonds, A-Rod, etc, etc, were great before they even got on steroids. The steroids made them greater. But, without that initial greatness, they'd just be average Joes trying to get an edge. I know this is hard for many to believe, but, if that list of 104 that tested positive for steroids is ever made public, I don't think it will be composed entirely of the last 15 years' All-Star lineups. It's a handful of superstars, most of whom we already know, and a whole lot of guys who are more likely to make the waivers list than the All-Star team.

And this is where we come back to McGwire. Would he have been great without steroids? He was a six-time All-Star before he used steroids. He was one of the best HR hitters in baseball. But, as I mentioned earlier, that all gets forgotten as soon as he's labeled a steroid user. He wouldn't have hit 70 HRs in '98 without steroids, that's for sure. But he would still have hit a ton. And that's the tragedy: All of his accomplishments, clean or not, get shit on. His whole career gets tainted, regardless of when he started the steroids.

That's a damn shame.

Speaking of shames, I don't think it's a coincidence that McGwire made this announcement less than a week after his fourth consecutive poor showing on the Hall of Fame ballot. I think he figured he's not going to make it anyway, why not forego the inevitable and completely close that door. Yet these sportswriter dummies, some of whom can't even be bothered to fill out their ballots, are still talking about whether or not this steroid revelation will hurt his Hall of Fame chances. I'm going to answer that question with three short words: not at all. What really hurts his Hall of Fame chances is the fact that the non-HR part of his stat line stinks. Rob Deer hit a lot of homers, and, well...did he even make it to a second ballot?

Sorry, Mac. You were a great player, but 1600 hits just doesn't cut it. And that's got nothing to do with steroids.

Get Ready To Have Your Eyes Blown Off

2010-01-02T20:58:00.010-06:00

The big movie out right now, without a doubt, is Avatar. This is the movie that everyone's seeing. At my local theatre, every 3-D IMAX showing has been sold out since its release. It's made over $300 million in two weeks. Needless to say, this movie has some heat.

From the beginning, I've never been all that stoked to see it. I don't think anybody would disagree with me in saying that the trailers looked stupid. And it's the product of a megalomaniacal director who hasn't made a feature film in 12 years. There's a lot of factors (one of which is a reportedly astronomical budget) at work here that make this thing seem like a failure in the making. But, everyone is going to see it, so I figured maybe I should go see what all the fuss is about.

Now, I won't lie to you: I'm gonna shit on this thing right away. The plot of the movie leaves a lot to be desired. It's no secret that James Cameron is not the "King of the World" when it comes to writing. There's a lot of goofy plot elements and terrible clichés and cutesy touchy-feely moments that seemed hackneyed back when the Ewoks where dancing around in Return of the Jedi. That was 27 years ago; that corniness hasn't aged well. And speaking of using the WABAC Machine for inspiration, Cameron steals quite liberally from his own filmography. He's like a not-as-talented Quentin Tarantino who's not creative enough to steal from other peoples' movies. So, in terms of being a movie that engages you at a human, intellectual level, you're looking in the wrong place.

Now, as for being a stunning action movie with 3-D visuals that will kill a lesser man...

JE. SUS. CHRIST.

Remember when you saw Star Wars as a kid, and were completely awestruck by what you were seeing on the screen? This is like that, except about a trillion times more impressive.

This may be one of the most visually-beautiful movies I have ever seen. There are times when so much is going on on the screen that it is possible your head might explode if you attempt to take it all in. It's all amplified by the 3-D, which is the best I've seen so far. (Mind you, the last movie I saw in 3-D was House of Wax, so anything better than that will impress me.) There were times during the final reel when I actually jerked back in my seat to avoid being hit in the face by...well, the screen, apparently. If you're not going to see this in 3-D, you might as well see it with your eyes closed, because that's how much you're missing.

If you can manage to completely disregard the plot and enjoy this as a purely sensory experience, you will not be disappointed. I left the theatre with a smile on my face and an urge to see it again. The action and the visuals are so good that they actually make up for the weakness of the story. (Those of you who have seen Transformers 2 know this is no easy feat.) I'll even go so far as to say that if the Best Picture Oscar was awarded purely for the technical merits of a movie and had nothing to do with storytelling, this would win Best Picture of 2009.

Once the line for the IMAX showings goes down a little, I know what I'll be seeing again.

Oh, and if you've seen The League of Extraordinary Gentleman or Van Helsing or any other action movie that takes place in turn-of-the-century London, you've essentially seen Sherlock Holmes. Downey, Jr. is entertaining, but the rest is a lot of been there, done that.

The Music Has Aged Gracefully, Even If The Band Has Not

2009-12-21T00:21:00.003-06:00

About a thousand years ago, I made mention of a Dinosaur Jr. concert I attended back in the '90s. About a hundred years ago (or, last month, in non-hyperbole time), I attended another one. My thoughts on the show:

How does a band resolve the Bob Mould/Grant Hart problem of someone other than the lead singer/songwriter/guitarist having a whole catalog of songs they want to play? Why, you put them on as the opening act, that's how. So, the show opened with bassist Lou Barlow playing a handful of songs that, well, J Mascis didn't write.

Up next was MV & EE, who, based upon their appearance and music, probably smoke about eight bongs a day, followed by a ream of 8½ x 11 sheets worth of blotter acid. The most notable thing about their show was that the woman in the group was playing a Gibson Thunderbird that would have looked small in the hands of a five-year old. Their set ended with amp feedback from a banjo. (That's just too stupid to make up.)

Then it was Dinosaur Jr.'s turn. For a band that been together, on and off, for 25 years, they still know how to rock. Even though J got grey and fat, his music and playing is no less vibrant than it was the last time I saw them, 15 years ago. The one thing about the show I will comment on was the volume. Maybe I'm getting old, but J's big Marshall stacks (like the ones he's standing in front of in the masthead pic) were so loud that they drowned out the house speakers. Even standing 10 feet away, I couldn't hear the drums over J's amps. Consequently, I was effectively deaf for two days afterward.

But, was it worth losing my hearing to see the original lineup of one of the greatest rockbands ever? You better believe it was. And, after the show, I went to a bar and watched those scumbags from Girls Gone Wild try to get girls to show their tits.

A good time was had by all.

Oh, and not that it was anything to do with anything, but, standing outside, waiting for the show to start, I watched a guy get in a car carrying a handful of fencing épées.

Really, you don't see that every day.

T-Minus Six Months Until The Hustler Spread

2009-12-08T23:11:00.013-06:00

Almost two years ago, I mentioned a New York magazine photoshoot in which Lindsay Lohan was, according to her, tricked into posing nude. (I don't see how you can get tricked into that, as, if your clothes are off and someone takes pictures of it, the results will be nude pictures. But, this is Lindsay we're talking about, and she's repeatedly proven herself to be one of the stupidest vertebrates currently residing on this planet.) This seemed, at least to me, to be her career nadir and that she would probably use this to jumpstart her career, and that would be the last time Lindsay got her tits out. But no sooner had Lindsay's bronzer dried that oops, she did it again (to steal a phrase from a similar trainwreck).

In the newest issue of Muse, whose very non-functional website can be found here, Lindsay has posed for yet another nudity-laden photoshoot, this one inspired by a Kate Moss/Johnny Depp shoot in Vanity Fair about a hundred years ago.

Now, mind you, I'm all for female nudity, but, if all female nudity turns out looking like this, well then, I guess I never need to see any woman naked ever again. Lindsay, at age 23, looks worse than that hag from Drag Me to Hell. She has reached that point where doing porn is not so much an option as it is an inevitability. I foresee her getting DP'd in the pages of Hustler any time now. That is, if Larry Flynt would have such a hideous wretch in his magazine.

Even a complete scumbag has standards.

Last Five Movies

2009-11-18T09:11:00.019-06:00

I know it's well past Halloween, but, for some reason, I'm watching nothing but horror movies. What I've watched recently:

Paranormal Activity (2009)
So, this is the movie that everyone's talking about; the movie that made everyone crap their pants; the most successful independent movie ever. Is it worth the hype? Well...not really. Admittedly, it does have some scary parts, but, apart from the scenes with the ghosties (which only accounts for about 15 minutes), it's really quite boring. It's also a lot more slickly-made than everyone would have you believe, with much digital trickery and clever (and, at times, sloppy) editing to give it more of a documentary feel. Call me a hater, but The Blair Witch Project, to which this is frequently compared, was a whole hell of a lot scarier.

House of the Devil (2009)
The crappy Horror Movies of the '80s fostered my subsequent love of all Horror Movies. So, I appreciate that someone actually took the time to try and capture the unique feel of an '80s Horror Film in a modern-day one. And writer/director Ti West has pretty much nailed here. Unfortunately, a nice gimmick is no substitute for a plot, of which this only has about five minutes worth. The rest is just padding out the running time. And that's waaaaaay too much padding.

Orphan (2009)
This movie was just as creepy as advertised, but gets torpedoed by an highly improbable twist at the end. Oh, and if overt sexual behavior by a 12-year old is a little too creepy for you, there's a scene toward the end that will have you hiding under the bed.

Drag Me to Hell (2009)
I've discussed this movie in depth before; no need to rehash here.

The best one is the only non-Horror Movie; I sense a correlation here:

The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)
If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a Coen Brothers movie, as it shares the goofy surreality of movies like Fargo and Burn After Reading. The movie, which is allegedly based on true events, refuses to admit that anyone has any sort of powers. It's happy with the fact that, even if no one actually has any power, if they believe they have powers, then that's the same as them having powers. The ambiguity just adds to the goofiness. Add to that great comedic turns by all the cast, and you have a thoroughly entertaining bit of nonsense.

I'm going to try to run through a wall now. Check it out.

Finally: A "Best Of" List I Can Get Behind

2009-11-12T13:10:00.008-06:00

Me and this blog have had a long-standing hatred of "Best Of" lists. (Click here, here, or here to share the hate.) They are invariably written by entities who have no idea what "best" is. And, therefore, I tend to hate them.

That being said, imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon The A.V. Club's "The Best TV Series of the '00s" and found myself agreeing with almost everything on the list.

Shock!

Mind you, there's some real no-brainers on the list (Arrested Development, The Wire, Mad Men: no duh). But almost everything else on the list is shows that I have watched and enjoyed and would recommend to others. In fact, the only real false note I can find is the inclusion of How I Met Your Mother (which, admittedly, I have never seen, but it's a laff-track sitcom on CBS, which immediately tells me it's shit).

The thing that impresses me most about this list is that it thinks outside the box a little and includes great shows that a lot of people have not seen, like the hilariously insane Tim and Eric Awesome Show or the nostalgia-filled Venture Brothers. Even the inclusion of Joss Whedon's not-seen-by-anyone-until-after-the-fact space western Firefly is to be lauded.

So, seeing as it is the season for "Best Of" lists, be sure to enjoy this one that actually makes sense before gettting inundated with the the nonsensical ones.

Honestly: Who Knew?

2009-11-11T11:40:00.004-06:00

Two days ago, the Andre Agassi autobiography Open was published. Before that, details of the book had been slowly leaking out, including some shockers, like his crystal meth use. The one that gets the most play, though, is the fact that his famous '90s hairdo was a wig.

Really?!!?

At the time, it was unfathomable that his hair was a wig. The wild hair seemed to go with the rest of his flamboyant, bad-boy persona. The hair seemed almost too complex to be a wig, and, honestly, that was the style at the time. I myself and many others I know had very similar mullets at the time. So, his hair didn't even look out of place or style and so there was no question as to its authenticity. I mean, how hard was it to believe that a 20-year old would have a big, fabulous head of wild hair?

But, 20 years later, after watching the above clip from the 1990 U.S. Open Final, before which Agassi claims his wig fell apart and was being held together with bobby pins, I realize: How could it not be a wig?

The obviousness of wigness is amplified by the fact he's wearing a headband. You can plainly see that he's pulling a Bret Michaels and that everything above the headband is a wig and everything below it is not. It's like there's a line drawn straight across his head separating what's real and what's fake. As you watch the match go on, the headband begins to creep up and he begins to look like a bald guy with a dead bearcat tied to his scalp with a headband.

I guess we should have suspected something when, suddenly, Agassi started wearing a hat and by '95, when he shaved his head, it was pretty apparent that he'd been balding for quite some time. But, the fact that it never looked like a wig, even when it was all sweaty and flying around, made for completely plausible deniability.

I guess no one realized how advanced wig technology was 20 years ago. Now I know.

Maybe Jim Thompson Will Finally Get His Due

2009-11-06T12:31:00.013-06:00

Because I pay so little attention to everything, I had no idea that there was a movie adaptation of Jim Thompson's The Killer Inside Me coming out. (Actually, it's the second adaptation, as there's a Stacey Keach movie from the '70s that adapted it first.) Based upon the trailer (which I've included at the end of this post), it looks fairly entertaining, especially if you've always fantasized about seeing Jessica Alba getting beaten to death. As someone who's read most of Thompson's books, I'm always happy to see a movie based on Thompson's work.

The real shame is that Thompson, who died in the '70s, isn't around to reap any of the monetary benefits of having his work adapted. Thompson was widely ignored during his lifetime. Mind you, two of his books were adapted into movies in his lifetime (the aforementioned Keach version of The Killer Inside Me and Steve McQueen version of The Getaway). But, by the time he died, Thompson was broke and all of his work was out of print. It wasn't until years later, when people realized that Thompson was a better writer than Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett, that his work was unfairly lumped in with all the other pulp fiction dreck of the era and that people might actually be interested in his work.

Now, all of his books are readily available and there's interest in "being in the Jim Thompson business." There have been nine more movie adaptations since his death, one of which (The Grifters) was nominated for four Oscars. And he's pretty much become one of those "Writers Everyone Should Read, But Hasn't." Meanwhile, Thompson spins in his grave, fuming over why it took his death for people to realize his greatness.

I know I'd be pissed. Anyway, enjoy the trailer:

I Was Wondering When They Were Going To Change That Definition

2009-11-05T01:36:00.002-06:00

If you missed last night's episode of South Park, you missed a delightfully subversive episode in which the boys get the definition of the word "fag" to refer to Harley riders instead of homosexuals.

As someone whose city is the Home of Harley Davidson and gets flooded with 100,000 annoying Harley riders every five years, I fully concur with Emmanuel Lewis' decision to update the definition.

Just my two cents, much to the chagrin of some of my friends and family.

Something To Watch For Halloween

2009-10-30T20:46:00.007-05:00

So, tomorrow is Halloween. People like to be scared on Halloween and horror movies are the perfect way to do that. But, rather than recommend some shitty "horror" movie currently playing in theatres, I thought I'd give a couple that are out on video that are actually scary, instead of some PG-13 shit that wouldn't even scare a toddler. Some of these I've discussed before, others I haven't. All are great.

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)
Just rereleased on DVD, this is one of The Girl's favorite movies. And what's not to like about a movie where a guy gets his face sanded off by a spinning motorcycle tire? Check it out quick, so you can see it before it's inevitably remade.

Session 9 (2001)
Who knew that asbestos removal could be so scary? It is, particularly when your project is the condemned Danvers State Mental Hospital. And anytime you throw David Caruso into the mix will make for a scary ride. They just don't make spooky movies like this anymore.

Exorcist 3 (1990)
One of the few sequels in history to be scarier than the original. An odd premise, in that two minor characters from the original are the main characters here (similar to the sequel of another entry on this list). Flawed by some obvious post-production tampering, it still has some really creepy shit (like the old lady on the ceiling) and snappy dialogue (adapted by Blatty himself from his novel) that makes it worth a watch.

Ringu (1998)
The movie that singlehandedly ruined the Asian Horror Movie (as every horror movie released in Southeast Asia after this was a knockoff of it) is still one of the scariest things of the last decade. Without resorting to any sort of visual or audio trickery, it delivers the scares on atmosphere alone: something no director in America has figured out how to do.

Theater of Blood (1973)
More of a comedy than a horror movie, this has a plot that is almost too high-concept, with Vincent Price killing off theatre critics who have trashed his performances in reenactments of Shakespearean tragedies. Without a doubt, the greatest movie ever made about a murderous Shakespearean actor.

The Evil Dead (1981)
The movie that launched Sam Raimi's career is still some trippy shit. Many prefer Evil Dead 2, the sequel-cum-remake, but the cheap, fast, and out-of-control filmmaking of the original makes it my fave. And, without it, we'd have no Bruce Campbell, which would be a damn shame.

Drag Me to Hell (2009)
While we're talking about Sam Raimi, his first decent horror movie in nearly 20 years is full of complete grossness.

Braindead (1992)
And speaking of directors who've sold out, the last movie by Peter Jackson (and yes, I was a Jackson fan from Day One, and then he went Hollywood) before he went to the Dark Side is one of the grossest movies ever. Plus, it's a Zombie Movie (and a funny one, at that), which may make it one of the best movies ever.

Halloween (1978)
Duh. And for even more fun, check out Halloween 3, the completely nonsensical second sequel which doesn't even have the good sense to feature Michael Myers.

The Crimson Rivers (2001)
This little-seen French entry proves that you needn't be in Hollywood to make a slick-looking movie. Even though it's so complexly plotted that you need a Doctorate in Confusing Plots to figure it out (I've seen it several times, and am STILL a little fuzzy on what happens), it's still a fun little thrill ride.

The Stepfather (1987)
No, not the shitty remake currently playing in theatres, but the original with Terry O'Quinn, released on DVD just in time for Halloween. Ready makes one wonder about the merits of the statement "Daddy knows best."

The Changeling (1979)
Probably the last Haunted House Movie worth watching, it's also one of the best. Another movie that doesn't resort to smoke and mirrors for its scares, unlike every other Haunted House Movie these days.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)
C'mon now. You think I'm not going to sneak this one in? The magnum opus of the man who invented the Zombie Movie is one of the best Horror Movies ever. Some prefer Night; some prefer Day. For me, there is no Zombie Movie above Dawn.

Black Christmas (1974)
Bob Clark's original Canadian import beat Halloween to the theatres by four years, yet no one seems to acknowledge it as the first Slasher Movie. And what's not to love about a horror movie that takes place at Christmas?

Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)
Not really a Horror movie, but not really any kind of movie. It borrows elements from several genres (including Kung-Fu Movies!!), and crams them all into one wild, scary movie. Possibly the craziest Monster Movie ever made.

Lost Treasures & Guilty Pleasures Update: Lady Frankenstein, Now With Video!

2009-10-30T03:55:00.003-05:00

I'm usually not one to bottle my own farts so I can reenjoy them later on, but, in keeping with today's horror movie theme, I thought I'd repost this, as someone has been nice enough to upload the entire movie on YouTube. So, now you can read through my review and then watch the movie.

Instant gratification.

My love for horror movies was cultivated by watching the crappy American horror films of the '80s. As I got older, I refined my tastes by watching the slightly-less crappy Italian horror movies of the '60s and '70s. These films, despite their low budgets and bad acting (yes, even in another language it's bad), made up for it with their outstanding production values, cinematography, and all the blood 'n boobs you could handle. A lot of these films are better than horror movies made today. And Lady Frankenstein is no exception.

Lady Frankenstein recaps the Frankenstein story, only this time tacking on an additional story about Frankenstein's daughter attempting to make the perfect man. It's a movie that's developed a bit of a cult following over the years, mostly due to its "grindhouse" and drive-in showings. Some allege it to be the inspiration for the more well-known Andy Warhol's Frankenstein. Rob Zombie even cops a sample from its trailer for the intro of "Living Dead Girl." There is a fanbase out there, regardless of how diverse and obscure it may be.

And why would you not be a fan? It's got all the elements of a great Italian horror movie: washed-up American stars; insanely hot Italian women; nonsensical plotting; cinematography that could win an Oscar; and blood, blood, blood.

The washed-up American star in question is Joseph Cotten, playing Dr. Frankenstein. After a career of roles in praise-worthy films like Citizen Kane, The Third Man, and Shadow of a Doubt, he would basically star in nothing but dreck like this from this point on. (Another notable and praise-worthy star, George Sanders, took the honorable way out and killed himself right around this time when he found himself being cast in similar roles.) Oh, and former Mr. Universe Mickey Hargitay makes an appearance as well. (I'm sure his daughter Mariska is sooo proud.)

The insanely gorgeous Rosalba Neri plays the titular Lady Frankenstein, who spends a good portion of the movie naked. I'd say they don't even make women that look like this anymore, but she bears more than a passing resemblance to a Gisele Bündchen with black hair and smaller boobs, so that's not entirely true.

The plot of the movie is basically a device to show gross surgery and mutilation scenes, and provide as many opportunities for Rosalba to get her tits out as possible. The acting is about what you'd expect in a movie about Frankenstein's daughter. The terrible dubbing is English to English, a classic Italian trick to hide the fact that most of the actors probably spoke with thick foreign accents.

But, what it lacks in acting and plotting it makes up for with beautiful cinematography, dark and moody atmosphere, and lavish Gothic sets that look better than some of the stuff that passes for sets today (even though they were probably leftovers from some other, bigger-budged production).

Unfortunately, with movies like this, you have to take the good with the bad. Fortunately, most of the bad of Lady Frankenstein is of the "so bad, it's good" variety, which always makes choking movies like this down so much easier.

Check it out.

BTW, the trailer at the top of this post is pure Vintage Trailer 101. It's better than anything Eli Roth could possibly come up with to put in his fake trailer movie.

And now, enjoy the movie.

Turns Out, Adam Lambert Didn't Need To Come Out Of The Closet...

2009-10-29T02:23:00.002-05:00

...Because, if he hadn't already publicly outed himself, the cover of his new album would have done the job.

Ho. Ly. Shit.

I guess the old practice of sexing up album covers for teenage girls to fantasize over is totally gone now.

A Nearly Dark Picture Of The Near Dark Reunion

2009-10-27T16:30:00.008-05:00

Attended Flashback Weekend on Saturday. Some observations:

-There didn't seem to be as many costumed weirdos at this year's show as there have been in past years. However, the number of people who appear to live in their parents' basement remained constant.

-As the show was at a different location this year, I had to refer to Google Maps to figure out where I was going. I only wish there had been a disclaimer on the map which read, "Directions are approximate at best."

-Kevin J. O'Connor (whom I've long considered to be one of the most annoying actors ever, but was tolerable in There Will Be Blood) made an unannounced appearance. I believe he's a local, so him showing up was just a jog across town. And I was like, "Look, there's that annoying guy from The Mummy, just walking around." It was like the time I saw Kevin Nealon at the mall in downtown Milwaukee. What the fuck's Kevin Nealon doing at the mall?

-Anchor Bay, the show's corporate sponsor, once the premiere distributor of horror movies before being purchased by Starz, once again made a spectacular showing by bringing a mere six films from their catalog, all fair to middling new releases. And, once again, Synapse Films, one of their direct market competitors, brought their entire catalog. They even brought movies that are out-of-print. I guess there's something to be said about remaining an independent company.

-The Girl wanted me to get Tony Todd to autograph a picture with "I hear you're lookin' for the Candyman, bitch." I didn't think he'd find that as funny as I did.

-Best Costume: Jason's mother, Pamela Voohees. Unfortunately, it was being worn by a dude.

-Svengoolie, a Chicagoland horror movie host who's syndicated in about four cities, had a bigger turnout than any of the more well-known Hollywood celebrities. Never underestimate the fanbase of a local.

-Even though she seemed like a perfectly lovely woman, I can't see why you would want to meet Mercedes McNabb. What am I gonna say to her: "I thought your tits looked nice in Playboy"? Pass.

-The Near Dark reunion was actually pretty entertaining. It's unfortunate that it was only a half hour long, as I could have listened to those stories for hours.

-Nick DiGilio admitted to me that he was blowing off his WGN radio show to attend Flashback Weekend. He made up for it on Sunday by doing two shows. I wish every workplace was like that.

All in all, a good time. The thing I like about shows like this is that I get to see celebrities I like without all the agents, managers, publicists, and a whole gaggle of sycophantic hangabouts surrounding them. They're there just kinda hanging out. And you get to see that, despite their celebrity pedigrees, they're just normal people who act like everyone else. I saw Tim Thomerson walking down the hall talking to one of the vendors about all the stuff he was selling. I shared a smoke with Lance Henriksen while he talked about the Kennedy assassination. Little things like that make it well worth the price of admission and are things that I'll never forget, despite their relative triviality.

I'll most definitely being attending again next year.

It Hurts My Feelings When You Say I'm Not A Rapper

2009-10-21T11:57:00.004-05:00

Even though I've had a copy of this for quite a while, the new Flight of the Conchords album I Told You I Was Freaky just came out the other day.

It's basically just songs taken from the second season of their show. The songs' subject matter is somewhat out of context if you've never seen the shows, but the songs themselves are strong enough to be good without context.

For fans of the show (and the band, for that matter), this is a must-have. Check it out.

Monty Python Returns...Sort Of

2009-10-20T11:36:00.004-05:00

If you're a fan of Monty Python, you should probably make some time to watch Almost the Truth, the six-part documentary about Monty Python currently airing on the Independent Film Channel. It's got the participation of all the living Python members, and contains a lot of information that I as a fan wasn't aware of (like the fact that they were all Cambridge and Oxford educated).

It's airing all this week, so check your local listings for times; I know I did.

Nice Effort, But...

2009-10-14T09:37:00.008-05:00

In case you missed it, I just wanted to bring to your attention this ridiculous baseball play, in which the Rockies' Dexter Fowler jumps over the Phillies' Chase Utley. You can check it out over at MLB.com. It's such a ridiculous and unexpected baserunning ploy that shortstop Jimmy Rollins olés Utley's throw into center field.

It was all for naught, however. Even though Fowler would go on to score the tying run, the Phillies would score three runs with two outs in the ninth. So, that fabulous play just becomes a meaningless highlight.

Best to not even try if that's what extraordinary effort get ya.

"Hurry, Hurry! Step Right Up! Get Yer Nobel Peace Prize!!"

2009-10-09T12:07:00.016-05:00

In a move that comes as a surprise to every single person on the planet Earth, President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The official statement from the Nobel Foundation claims that Obama won "for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples." It should be noted that Obama has only been President for nine months and has done absolutely nothing yet in terms of foreign relations.

So, is this what the Peace Prize has devolved into? They just give the Prize away to just anyone for doing nothing?

Look back to 2002, when Jimmy Carter won. Although he was a crappy President, since leaving office, he has done a good deal to further world peace and development, both here and abroad. He's a deserving winner. But then, two years ago, you got Al Gore winning one for giving a PowerPoint presentation on global warming.

And now, you got Obama winning one for nothing more than making some ambitious campaign promises. Other than dump more troops into Afghanistan (which is the antithesis of peace), he's done nothing to improve world peace, other than claiming he would do so.

Look at Ronald Reagan, who was instrumental in the fall of the Soviet Union and communism in Europe: not a winner. Bill Clinton, who helped make peace in the Middle East, Northern Ireland, and the Balkans, and continues to work in Africa: not a winner. Even Mohandas Gandhi, a twelve-time nominee who was a literal martyr for peace: not a winner. Obama's sole peaceful initiative was to invite the participants of a domestic dispute to the White House for a beer, and this apparently wins him to Nobel Peace Prize.

Wow; just...wow. I think someone may want to check Sweden's water supply, because they're obviously on something.

With A Star That Looks Like This, I Can't Understand Why More People Don't Watch Dollhouse

2009-10-07T11:40:00.001-05:00

I am a weekly viewer of Dollhouse, which is one of the lowest-rated network shows. It's only airing 13 episodes this season, but, if its ratings continue like this, it might not come back next year or even make it through this season.

I can't understand why more people don't watch this show. It's a well-written, well-produced show with a truly original plot from the brilliant mind of Joss Whedon, with a great cast of well-developed characters, headed by the stunningly pretty Eliza Dushku.

Meanwhile, the #1 show on TV, NCIS, which is just another goddamned fuckin' CBS crime show that is exactly the same as a half dozen other shows on CBS, is so unoriginal that if it were canceled, no one would notice, as there's also NCIS: Los Angeles, which is exactly the same as NCIS, except it's got Chris O'Donnell instead of Mark Harmon, and the hot girl on that show is Linda Hunt. (Not Helen Hunt, not Bonnie Hunt; Linda Hunt, who looks like a Muppet.)

Yet more people would rather watch that CSI ripoff than an entertaining show that actually has some intelligent thoughts in its head.

The end of using our brains is quickly approaching.

The Future Of Burger King

2009-10-07T11:11:00.008-05:00

Burger King announced plans today to overhaul its 12,000 locations with a new, updated look. It hopes the overhaul will put the #2 fast-food chain in closer competition with McDonald's, which is slowly revamping all of its restaurants.

I actually like the new look. It looks a lot like a restaurant version of Frank Lloyd Wright's Johnson Wax Building. I've been to a couple of new Burger Kings recently, and their interiors are pretty much the same as that of McDonald's. Differentiating their look from their competitor's won't be a bad thing.

Now, if they would just overhaul their menu, maybe I'd eat there more often.

What I'm Listening To

2009-10-05T10:56:00.012-05:00

Billy Joel - Glass Houses/The Nylon Curtain
About 20 years ago, I had this same mix on cassette, taped from the vinyl LPs, one album on each side. (I still own Glass Houses on vinyl.) I've listened to that tape 100,000 times. Now I listen to that same mix in crystal-clear digital clarity. Wonderful thing, the invention of the CD burner.

AFI - Crash Love
AFI abandons their typical whiny goth rock and goes New Wave, with pretty good results. Davey Havoc's balls have apparently dropped, because his voice is nowhere near as high-pitched as it has been in the past. If it wasn't already October, I'd say that "Too Shy to Scream" would be the Feel Bad Hit of the Summer.

Alice in Chains - Black Give Way to Blue
It's hard to believe that Alice in Chains hasn't put out a studio album in 14 years. If there was ever any doubt that Alice in Chains was Jerry Cantrell's band, those doubts will be put to rest once you hear this, as it's pretty much a continuation of Cantrell's solo albums; new lead singer William DuVall makes occasional cameo vocal appearances. Unfortunately, the band has continued on from Cantrell's slow, mellow Degradation Trip period, instead of Alice in Chains' gloomy metal heyday. Whatever the result, it's just nice to see Cantrell making music again; "Check My Brain" may be one of the best tracks he's ever written.

Silversun Pickups - Swoon
As long as we're on the topic of retro music, here's a band that, rather than turning to '70s or '80s music, is bringing back the '90s in a big way. They sound like a cross between My Bloody Valentine and early Smashing Pumpkins. If you're a fan of "shoegaze," this may be the record for you.

Three Days Grace - Life Starts Now
There comes a point in a band's career when they either evolve and improve (see AFI above) or keep putting out the same record and get stale (see Weezer, The Strokes, etc.). The latter case is not always bad thing, as is the case with AC/DC, which has been putting out the same album for 35 years. But that one album is really fucking good. Unfortunately, this isn't the case with Three Days Grace on their third album. I like Three Days Grace and their first two albums, but it's all starting to sound the same, and they're no AC/DC. Pass.

Foo Fighters - "Wheels"
I remember when Dave Grohl put out the first Foo Fighters album. What a great album: Dave Grohl gets out from under the shadow of Kurt Cobain and lets his inner metalhead shine. In the 14 years since that album came out, the Foos have devolved into a band that sounds like every other overproduced Top 40 band. With the release of this new single from their greatest hits album, it's apparent that Dave is now taking his inspiration from 3 Doors Down instead of Motörhead. I'm sure Cobain is rolling in his grave.

If I hear anything else of note, I'll let you know.

If I Told You I Met Martin Landau, Would That Be Something You'd Be Interested In?

2009-10-02T23:38:00.016-05:00

The Milwaukee Film Festival has been going on for the past week or so. The Girl and I attended for the first time this Friday. Not coincidentally, Martin Landau was appearing that same night for a showing of Crimes and Misdemeanors, and a showing of his new film Lovely, Still the following night. I'd seen Crimes and Misdemeanors before; not a big fan, but I figured, "Hey, Martin Landau's going to be there, so I suppose I can sit through it again."

Now, I kinda figured that we'd watch the film and then Martin would appear at the end and do a Q&A, which he eventually did. What I didn't figure is that Martin would just hang out amongst the people before the show. Three-time Oscar nominee and one-time winner just sitting there in the lounge, meeting and greeting well-wishers and on-lookers.

It's not every day one gets to meet an Oscar winner. Actually, truth be told, I really wasn't, like, super-hyped to meet him. It's not like I was meeting Michael Caine or, even better, Christopher Lee: people whom I know a lot about and could speak to for hours. It's Martin Landau. It's like meeting George Kennedy: sure, he's an Oscar winner, but it's George Kennedy, a b-list character actor with a pretty bland career. Yet, here's this gaggle of sycophantic starfuckers, all gathered around to tell Martin how great he is and how much they love his work.

But I can't even attempt to be that phony. I'm not really a fan. The only thing I'd ask would be something of interest to me, like, "How was it working on Mission: Impossible? Do you still keep in touch with Peter Graves?" Or maybe a practical question, like, "Hey, Martin, do you know when this ferkakte movie is going to start?" No celebrity wants to answer those "Stuttering John questions," so I really had nothing to say to the guy.

But how often am I going to meet Martin Landau? So, as The Girl and I headed into the theatre, I leaned over where Martin was sitting, stuck out my hand, which he shook, and said, "It's nice to meet you, Martin. Thanks for coming out. Enjoy your stay in Milwaukee."

And that's it. That's how I met Martin Landau. As non-plussed as I was about the encounter, I will say it was pretty cool that Martin just hung around in the lounge talking to people. A lot of celebs wouldn't have done that, so that's to be admired.

However, there are some people who shouldn't hang around and do that. Like Nik Fackler, the director of Martin's movie Lovely, Still, which was making its U.S. premiere the following night. Here's this punk kid, wearing the standard-issue indie-filmmaker douchebag wardrobe of plaid vest and Hot Topic fedora (like a not-as-cool version of Synyster Gates), who's directed, well, the one movie, acting like he's the most important guy in the room. Meanwhile, sitting directly to his left is an Oscar winner who's worked with Ron Howard, Tim Burton, Woody Allen, Joe L. Mankiewicz, even Alfred fucking Hitchcock, acting like he's just happy to be out and about.

There's something to be said about people who are able to able to handle celebrity graciously. I can't help notice that most of the ones who can are old-timers. One time, I was at an Champ Car race, and there was Paul Newman, who was a team owner at the time, just standing there on the track apron. Paul Newman, just right there where anyone could walk up to him. I can't see a lot of our current-day celebrities doing that. They've totally lost touch with reality, forgetting that they too were once normal people.

Kinda makes me wish I was about 20 years older. Maybe I could have met some of these guys before they started dying off.

At least I can say I met Martin Landau before he dies off.

The Other Guy That Wrote Pulp Fiction Is Going To Prison

2009-10-01T23:44:00.006-05:00

Roger Avary, who won an Oscar for being the guy who nobody remembers as the other screenwriter on Pulp Fiction, was sentenced to a year in jail for driving drunk and killing a guy 22 months ago.

Without even knowing a lot about the case, I know instantly that this happened in Los Angeles. Ya know how? Because a guy drove drunk and killed someone, and only got a year in jail. And Los Angeles is the only place in the world where murder (or any crime, for that matter) is really not a big deal.

Oh, sure, I understand the laxness on the DUI thing; my home state of Wisconsin has some of the worst DUI offenders in the nation. Hell, just this month, one of our state assemblymen got busted for his fourth DUI and he's still out there driving around.

But murder? You kill someone here, and you'll be spending a good number of years in Waupan or any one of our other fine correctional institutions. In L.A., you get the right jury, and you'll get a free pass on a double homicide.

So, here's to the L.A. County justice system. With any luck, with good behavior, Roger can get paroled out in six months.

If I thought I'd only serve six months, I'd kill someone every day. True story.

Last Five Movies

2009-09-28T15:15:00.002-05:00

Jennifer's Body (2009)
Remember how the first 10 minutes of Juno, before Diablo Cody's annoyingly witty dialogue calmed down, were nearly unbearable? Now, imagine that 10 minutes stretched out to feature length, and you have some idea of what Jennifer's Body is like. And the returns for this are proving that most people prefer Megan Fox in the context of transforming robots or in photograph form; all other situations need not apply.

Sorority Row (2009)
Remember how annoying and unwatchable Jennifer's Body was? Different plot, same dialogue: combine, and you have Sorority Row. It's not even stupidly entertaining like the movie it's an uncredited remake of (which would be House on Sorority Row).

The Informant! (2009)
A true story so goofy and twisted, it would almost be impossible to make up something harder to believe. Hopefully, this marks Steven Soderbergh's welcome return to somewhat-conventional movie making.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
I stopped reading the Harry Potter books after the second one. I stopped watching the movies in the theatre after the third one. I've only seen the fourth and fifth movies once each on video, and don't remember anything that happened in either one (in fact, I had a hard time remembering that there were two movies). Needless to say, I had no fucking idea what was going on in this movie. Methinks I might need to revisit those last two movies.

Slow month, this:

Extract (2009)
Mike Judge is probably one of the most criminally under-appreciated filmmakers out there. His last movie, Idiocracy, sat on the shelf for two years before Fox decided to pretend they were going to release it, and then just pitched it onto video with no fanfare. Any given episode of King of the Hill is better than anything Brett Ratner has ever made, yet Ratner's made a billion dollars and Judge can barely get his movies released. Luckily, Extract did get released, which is good for everyone, since it's hilarious. And it's hilarious without having to rely entirely on the comedic genius of Jason Bateman (although his presence helps greatly). Now that King of the Hill's done and The Goode Family's been canceled, Judge can start making movies full-time, just as he should've been doing all along. And the world will be a better place.

Up next for me: Whiteout. I can't wait.

Is This What Passes For Baseball These Days?

2009-09-23T14:49:00.026-05:00

Over at the Hall of Very Good, my friend Jesus Melendez has spent the better part of the year discussing this baseball season's milestones. One of the milestones that he has yet to expound upon in length is the setting of a new seasonal strikeout record. Mark Reynolds of the Arizona Diamondbacks has broken the old record of 204, set way back in...well, last year by Mark Reynolds. At 208 SOs with nine games left, he appears poised to make it very difficult for himself to break this record again next year. And, while it was bound to happen, as every record is made to be broken, I think the strikeout record getting topped on twice in as many years points towards a disturbing trend in baseball.

The seasonal strikeout record was held for a loooong time by Bobby Bonds. He broke the previous mark of 175 in 1969 with 187, and then broke his own record with 189 the following year.

That was a record for a long time. Prior to the turn of the millennium, the closet anyone ever got to the record was when Rob Deer, who sometimes had twice as many strikeouts as hits in a season, got within three in 1987. In fact, up until 1997, Dave Nicholson's old 1963 mark of 175 was only surpassed five other times, and two of those were Deer. No one wanted that record. And rightly so, as it expresses a level of ineptitude that not many players want to achieve.

But, as we approached Y2K, a lot of players started closing in on that record. And, as the new millennium proceeded, someone (specifically, Adam Dunn) fucked around and managed to break that record. In just the past five years, the record was been reset three more times, most recently by Reynolds.

Thirty years, and the closest anyone got to Bonds' mark was within three. In the past six years, it's been topped seven times. That old 175 mark has been bested 19 more times in the past 10 years. Apparently, it's all right to be a strikeout overachiever.

Funny thing, though: Over that same 10-12 year time period, the same thing happened to home runs.

When Albert Belle hit 50 homers in 1995, that was the first time someone had done that since Cecil Fielder did it five years earlier. Prior to Fielder: George Foster in '77. In the first 126 years of baseball, 50 HRs in a season had happened only 17 times. Since '95, it's happened 21 more times. It's no big deal to hit 50, even 60, homers now.

Coincidentally enough, wasn't that same time period when the whole steroid thing kinda took off? I'm sure someone could easily blame steroids for the rise in homers and strikeouts, but, seeing as there's little correlation between the HR and SO numbers, this assumption would lead one to believe that steroids grant the user one of two abilities: (1) hitting lots of homers, or (2) striking out an irrational number of times.

The easier conclusion to reach is that, because of the recent increased importance of the home run, batters aren't even attempting to put the ball in play anymore, opting to merely swing so hard that they corkscrew themselves into the ground like a Looney Tunes character every time they miss. I think that, if more emphasis was placed on just making contact with the ball instead of trying to knock its cover off, strikeouts would go down. Sure, homers would go down, too, but I'd rather watch someone get 200 hits than watch them not hit anything 200 times.

As for Reynolds and his dubious mark, he might want to focus more on contact and less on power. The career strikeout mark is 2597, held by Reggie Jackson. Only four players (including Jackson) have topped 2000 SOs in their careers, and no one in the history of baseball has gotten within 250 of Jackson's record. That being said, at his current pace, Reynolds will break Jackson's record within 10 years. A mark it took Jackson 21 years to set, and this dope, in three season, is already a quarter of the way there.

No wonder I can barely be bothered to pay attention to baseball anymore.

No Punchline Needed For This One

2009-09-15T09:44:00.003-05:00

Even though this picture is in horrible taste, I wouldn't put it past Kayne at all. That mutherfucker would take any opportunity to steal the spotlight.

He's a musical genius, ya know.

Welcome To Every Child's Nightmare

2009-09-10T13:06:00.006-05:00

I found this rather entertaining clip of Alice Cooper performing "Welcome to My Nightmare" on The Muppet Show in 1978. While I do believe I saw every episode of The Muppet Show, I don't remember this. Like most four-year olds, I wasn't into anything remotely as cool as Alice Cooper, so this didn't make much of an impression on me.

Examples like this just reinforce my theory that a lot of the stuff that my generation watched as children wasn't for children at all. Oh, sure: The Muppet Show is entertaining to children because it's Muppets. But the celebrities and almost all the jokes are geared waaaay over childrens' heads. Same with Warner Bros. Looney Tunes, which may not even be appropriate for children. Or, to cite a modern example, Pixar's movies, which are written for adults but dumbed down into cartoons for the kids.

As for Alice Cooper, of course he'd be on The Muppet Show. He's one of those guys that doesn't take himself seriously enough to not appear on something as goofy as The Muppet Show. A band like Yes would be much too "important" to make an appearance, but here's a cool guy like Alice, makeup and all, hamming it up with the Muppets.

If all rock stars were like this, the world would be a better place.

Meet The Beatles, Possibly For The First Time

2009-09-10T12:43:00.010-05:00

Just wanted to draw your attention to Chuck Klosterman's review of the new Beatles box set, written like a guy who, 40 years after their split, has never heard of The Beatles. For those of you not familiar with Klosterman's work, he's a former Spin editor who once wrote a completely unironic essay extolling the virtues of Billy Joel's The Nylon Curtain. (Seriously.)

I like the review, because it says things about The Beatles (and The Rolling Stones, for that matter) that everyone thinks, but nobody says. Like that no one actually likes Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, even though everyone likes to cite it as one of the greatest records ever.

A Billy Joel fan that disagrees with one of the main tenets of rock music criticism? No wonder Spin fired this guy.

Really?!?

2009-09-03T15:38:00.007-05:00

To the chagrin of every person with an I.Q. above 50, the sequel to The Boondock Saints is happening, rather cleverly titled The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (see what they did there?). Here's the trailer, if you give a fuck.

Why a completely moronic movie that was an absolute box office disaster and wasn't even able to recoup its budget from an extremely successful DVD release would merit a sequel is beyond me.

Oh, that's right: Because the morons and mouth-breathers who think this movie is awesome will actually pay money to see this. I mean, why wouldn't you make a sequel to a movie that has its own line of merchandise at Hot Topic?

Instead of seeing this, everyone should watch Overnight, a making-of documentary which proves Saints writer/director to be one of the world's biggest dumbasses.

That you should pay to see.

The Show That Just Wouldn't End

2009-09-02T15:39:00.000-05:00

A couple months back, I commented on the long-overdue euthanization of Prison Break, which had overstayed its welcome by two seasons. Having seen the show through to its conclusion, I was relatively happy with the ending. All the loose ends were tied up, all the characters were taken care of; the show was concluded.

Yet, mere weeks later, here's a direct-to-video movie version of Prison Break that picks up where the show left off.

Really? We needed this?

As I mentioned, the finale of the TV version wrapped everything up, even showed where the characters would be in five years. But, apparently, what we missed in that five year period was this additional prison break.

Actually, it's not surprising that they came out with a movie. At 88 minutes long, which is exactly what two hours of TV sans commercials runs, it appears to be the last two episodes of the show edited together into a movie. Basically, Fox didn't want to air two more episodes, so they released them on video in movie form instead.

And what a waste of time and money that was. If you saw the show finale, you know what happens to all the characters and nothing in this movie does anything to change that. It's basically just two more hours of show which do nothing to advance the plot. In fact, the only revelation that was previously unknown was the fate of Jodi Lyn O'Keefe's character, who survived being gutshot and is now in prison.

There: I've given away the one spoiler. You can save yourself the trouble of having to find it out on your own.

This Is Getting A Little Ridiculous

2009-09-01T15:39:00.005-05:00

Just to make sure that I'm not existing in my own private alternate reality, let me ask a question, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong: Didn't Fox just start a Fantastic Four movie franchise four years ago, and then put out a sequel two years later?

Yes, they did? Oh, good, then it's the whole world that's gone insane and not just me, because I thought the reports that Fox is going to start a new Fantastic Four franchise were pretty fucking nutty.

So, a mere five or so years after we learned the origins of The Fantastic Four, we get to learn it again. Thank God, because my memory is pretty short sometimes; they got their powers from radioactive spiders bites, right?

I thought the industry standard for time passed between a movie and its remake was 20 years, but apparently Fox is lowering that to five years, which leads me to believe that the time in which all movies will be remakes is only about 10 years away.

And people wonder why I'm so full of hate. Now you know.

I Can Think Of Better Punching Bags Than This

2009-08-28T10:08:00.012-05:00

Early news reports are coming out that Girls Gone Wild idiot Joe Francis was involved in an altercation this morning in which he allegedly punched out 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole. He also got into a scuffle with Nicole's boyfriend, celebrity-wannabe douchebag Brody Jenner.

Seeing as Francis is constantly in trouble, you would think that assault and battery would finally lead to some hard time for him. But this happened in L.A., so the worst punishment he'll get for beating up a woman is about 17 minutes of community service. It's a shame this didn't happen in Las Vegas, where Francis is currently facing tax evasion charges. They'd take him out front of the Bellagio and drown him in the fountain.

Seeing as they managed to put O.J. away, getting rid of a punk like Francis would be a cakewalk.

Oh, and in late-breaking celebrity news, DJ AM, who survived a plane crash almost a year ago, was found dead in his apartment from an apparent drug overdose.

Guy walks away, mostly intact, from a fucking plane crash, and he hasn't got sense enough to reprioritize his life and get off the smack. This is like celebrating winning the lottery by laying down in front of an oncoming train.

I'm willing to bet some of the dead victims of that crash wish they still had lives to throw away.

The Greatest Show Ever?

2009-08-27T09:56:00.009-05:00

As I mentioned in my earlier review of ABC's new shows, ABC's Crash Course, which debuted last night, is probably one of the best shows on TV right now. I realize that it's only aired one episode, but, if you've seen what's currently on TV, you'll know this isn't a real stretch of a claim.

I enjoy that the show is nothing more than possibly-fatal car crashes. I also enjoy that the production makes good use of The Raceway at Belle Isle Park, which has been sitting vacant since the IRL put the Detroit Belle Isle Grand Prix on hiatus. And, unlike every other competition show on TV, the hosts/judges aren't there to fawn over the contestants; they're there to mercilessly make fun of them. (Orlando Jones' impression of Roommate Ty is priceless.)

If you missed it, you can check it out at ABC On Demand, and you can watch subsequent episodes Wednesdays at 8:00c.

I'll be tuned it; you should be, too.

The New Disappointment By Quentin Tarantino

2009-08-24T09:38:00.005-05:00

Because I'm too burned out by the experience (read: lazy) to write a 5000 word diatribe about the mess that is Inglourious Basterds, I'll do as I've done in the past and refer you to Nick Digilio's review of the movie. I agree with almost everything Nick and his callers say about the film, except, whenever Nick uses "like" and "love" or any other positive words, replace those words with "hate" and "abhor" and other words of scorn.

I hate to say it, as I really wanted to like this movie, but Basterds isn't even entertaining as the 1978 Italian movie from which it steals its incorrectly-spelled name.

And that movie is TERRIBLE.

ABC's Fall Lineup

2009-08-21T08:07:00.009-05:00

I recently had the opportunity to check out the majority of ABC's new fall shows. My thoughts on what I saw:

V
A "reboot" of the Marc Singer vehicle from the '80s. Anyone (like myself) who was a fan of the original series will like this. And, seeing as her character has apparently been killed off of Lost, I'm just happy to see Elizabeth Mitchell is still on the tele.

Cougar Town
There are the makings of a good show somewhere in this mess, but, in its current form, it's just that: a mess. Imagine Sex in the City in the suburbs, and you have some idea of what this show wanted to be.

Modern Family
A documentary-style show about three interrelated families is the funniest show I've seen since 30 Rock. It's a shame that show creator Chris Lloyd couldn't get his Fraiser star Kelsey Grammer in this, because he's stuck on...

Hank
...which is one of the least-funny shows I've ever seen. If this was on CBS, which airs nothing but shitty "laff track" sitcoms, I would be a big hit. But...it's on ABC, where it will bomb.

The Middle
And Grammer's Back to You co-star Patricia Heaton is stuck in this equally unfunny mess. It will also quickly disappear.

Eastwick
I couldn't quite make sense out of why ABC would make a show out of 25-year old literary property. I figured that maybe they were capitalizing on the fact that John Updike published The Widows of Eastwick (the sequel to The Witches of...) shortly before his death earlier this year. But, having watched the show, I realize that it's an adaptation of the movie, as the creators were apparently too lazy to actually read the book and just watched the Cliff Notes instead. Well, I've seen the movie; no reason for me (or you) to watch this.

The Forgotten
It's not a good sign when the network recasts and reshoots the pilot of a show, as they did with this one. I suspect it will last as long as Life on Mars, the last show they did this to. And I wish that Michelle Borth was still starring in Tell Me You Love Me instead of this garbage.

FlashForward
A show in which everyone on the planet blacks out for two minutes and gets a two-minute glimpse of their lives six months in the future. An interesting show, even if it does steal its premise from a Vonnegut novel. It's odd seeing Seth MacFarlane in a non-Family Guy context, though. Maybe he's come up with something to fall back on for when Fox smartens up and cancels all of his shitty shows.

Crash Course
This is basically a real-life version of Burnout 3. The most entertaining part is co-hosts Dan Cortese (!!) and Orlando Jones ripping on the contestants. I absolutely fucking HATE reality competition shows, but I will watch this, because the possibility of someone actually dying seems pretty likely.

All-around, a decent lineup. I think ABC will do well this year, considering what Fox will be putting on the air.

The World's Greatest Douchebag Reports For Practice

2009-08-18T09:07:00.006-05:00

The above picture is not a Photoshop like we've seen in the past, as Brett Favre is now officially a Minnesota Viking. It ends literal months and months of speculation as to whether Favre would return to football.

This completes Favre's transition to football's biggest asshole. Most people would say Michael Vick had that honor, but Vick isn't a legendary football player and his shithead behavior had nothing to do with football. Favre, however, is quickly flushing his legacy as one of football's greatest quarterbacks right down the toilet. He's become the Roger Clemens of football, using his legendary status to carpetbag his way into jobs. He even pulled the same dickhead maneuver of conveniently waiting until training camp was over before deciding to sign with the Vikings. In fact, the only difference is that Clemens' steroid-aided performance actually kept him in top form, whereas Favre should have actually retired when he first retired two years ago.

With this latest development, I'm not sure if it's safe for Favre to travel to the state of Wisconsin. When the Vikings play the Packers in Green Bay, I'm almost positive the fans will destroy the stadium while trying to kill Favre. The booing will be audible throughout the state, probably even into Illinois and Michigan. And I'd imagine the fans would make the trip to games in Minnesota so that they could boo him there as well. I've never seen a sports figure who has gone from beloved to absolutely hated by his former fans this badly before.

I myself am not a Packers fan, and I've always hated Favre, so, needless to say, I'm loving this. I can't wait for the season to start.

A Wisconsin Legend Dies

2009-08-13T21:57:00.006-05:00

I thought I'd mention the passing of Milwaukee native Les Paul, who died today from pneumonia at age 94.

Depending on who you talk to, Les Paul invented the electric guitar. The Gibson guitar model that still bears his name is one of the most-used and -recognizable in music today. In addition to his innovation in guitars, he is also credited with inventing multi-track recording, a technique that has been used on almost every single record ever made since.

Paul remained active in music until the end, still gigging in his 90s. He was one of the elder statesmen of music, joining guys like Leo Fender and Jim Marshall, who, from an equipment standpoint, basically invented the sound of rock music.

If you happen to be in Milwaukee, stop by the Discovery World Museum and check out the Les Paul exhibit. It's the perfect way to celebrate the life of a true musical genius.

The De-Illustrated Woman

2009-08-12T21:43:00.003-05:00

Just for the sake of curiosity, I thought I'd publish this photo of tattoo artist Kat Von D without any of her tattoos. The picture is from an ad for concealer from her makeup line at Sephora.

Ya know, once you get all that shit off her, as she is literally tattooed from head to toe in real life, she's really quite attractive. Maybe she should consider modeling her concealer on a full-time basis.

Just an idea.

Whadaya Know: Another Remake

2009-08-12T09:40:00.000-05:00

It's been 22 years since the release of The Stepfather, so obviously it's time for a remake, because 20 years seems to be the magic number of years between original and remake.

And now that it's a done deal, there's a trailer. And, based on this trailer, I can see that all of the modifications the producers have made to make this seem like an "original" concept have made for an absolutely awful movie.

The worst mistake appears to be that they've cast Dylan Walsh in the title role. I know he plays a bit of an asshole on Nip/Tuck, but he's just not psychotic stepfather material. Dylan Walsh is the guy you cast as the cuckold boyfriend/fiancée/husband of the female lead in a romantic comedy. Terry O'Quinn, who played this role in the original, was perfectly cast. In fact, had that not been one of his first starring roles, I'd say he was being typecast, because, well, he is that guy. An actor like Christopher Meloni, who just oozes menace, who's actually even IN this movie, would have been a much better choice. (Anyone who's seen his work in Oz can attest to this.)

They also appear to have changed the stepdaughter of the original into a stepson, which eliminates the whole creepy "daddy's little girl" vibe, as well as the possibility of a gratuitous Amber-Heard-nude-in-the-shower scene. (Here's what she looks like nude, so I've saved you the trouble even if she was nude in it.)

And it appears to rather plainly be a shitty remake of a vastly superior original, a near crime against humanity. I've posted here before that the original is one of my favorite movies, and remaking it really sticks in my craw. While it is possible to remake a film on par with the original (John Woo's The Killer is a great remake of Melville's Le Samouraï; Walter Hill's The Driver is not), I don't think this is the case here. Just another example of Hollywood being about five years away from producing nothing but remakes.

The only positive I can see coming out of this whole thing is that it may spark interest in the original and cause it to finally be released on DVD. (The VHS has been out-of-print for a number of years.) Hopefully, everybody can hold out until that happens and see the good version of this movie instead of this reheated crap.

Last Five Movies

2009-08-10T09:14:00.004-05:00

Funny People (2009)
In the past few weeks, I've called into question Judd Apatow's pedigree as a comedic genius. After having seen Funny People, I call it into question even more. Whereas his previous writer/directorial efforts have been "laff riots," this is a much more somber film. It IS funny, but it's hard to maintain a fun mood in a movie about introspection before death. He also makes the mistake that he made in Knocked Up by giving all the funny parts to the supporting actors instead of the leads. And he makes the Reality Bites Error, by forcing the girl to desire the wrong guy. And, Jesus Christ, is this ever a long movie. Let's hope his next effort returns to his previous form and doesn't continue on this current not-as-funny path.

Moon (2009)
Zowie Bowie (who now goes by his birth name of Duncan Jones) gives us his take on Silent Running and 2001. An odd movie. Good, but odd.

Public Enemies (2009)
Michael Mann's historically inaccurate depiction of the final years of John Dillinger's life, filmed right here in Wisconsin. (Oddly enough, this is also the movie that made Governor Jim Doyle consider repealing the tax credit for movies shot in the state. This state's economy is worse than California's, and our governor wants to shut out a multi-billion dollar industry. Brilliant!) While it's extremely well-made on all fronts, it seems very long and drags at times. But all of Mann's films are like this, and that hasn't stopped me from buying the videos of every movie he's made in the past 15 years.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
One of the slew of gonzo low-budget horror movies that came out in the late '80s. Having seen it, I can't even begin to imagine what made me want to watch it in the first place.

I'd say to start marking up your Oscar ballots, but it's a little too early...

The Hurt Locker (2009)
Katherine Bigelow's first worth-while movie since Strange Days. It's brilliant in that it makes a statement about war without resulting to the political bashing that muddies the waters of the genre. Well-made, well-acted, well-directed; just all-around well. Easily the best movie I've seen this year.

Check it out.

The Inside Scoop On The Three Stooges

2009-08-07T16:07:00.009-05:00

If you don't listen to Howard Stern, chances are you missed "The Three Stooges: The Lost and Found Interviews," in which a 16-year old Tom Bergeron interviewed Stooges Moe Howard and Larry Fine shortly before their deaths.

It's really some pretty interesting stuff. There aren't many taped interviews with the Stooges, and to hear them talk about their careers, particularly Moe, who was in his 70s at the time and had total recall of his career. It's also somewhat startling to realize that, even though they made 200 films, the Stooges didn't make a nickel in royalties and mostly died destitute.

If you missed it, they're replaying it on Howard 100 on Sirius XM radio; you can check the schedule on Stern's website.

This Hunk Brings CRAZY Traffic To My Site

2009-08-01T16:28:00.011-05:00

I'm usually not one to toot my own horn, but, if you Google the term "Jeff Bagwell divorce," this site is the second search result.

Don't believe it? Check it out.

The search references this post, which, oddly enough, really has nothing to do with Jeff Bagwell OR his divorce. It's also odd that some sport or gossip site wouldn't be higher than my rant-o-rama, as, well, they actually cover stories like this.

But, nope. It's HowardStern.com and then me (and the Stern post doesn't have anything to do with Bagwell or his divorce either).

While I appreciate that Google is directing traffic to my site through this odd search, I think they may want to work on their algorithms a little. I think most people will be disappointed with the results they get.

P.S. It's worth noting that neither Yahoo nor Bing make this same error. They actually refer stories about Jeff Bagwell's divorce. And yet Google is #1 in search.

Go figure.

Heeeeere's Raaaaaaaandy!

2009-07-29T08:30:00.011-05:00

I know that people think Judd Apatow is a comedic genius, that everything he touches is comedic gold. I'll admit that Apatow does have a talent with comedy, and that he's got a good eye for talent.

But I'm also extremely sceptical, because, if you look at his entire filmography, he's got more misses than hits, and they're BAD misses. (Oh, and he stole the entire online marketing campaign for Funny People from Ben Stiller.)

Now, there's something else that makes me doubt Apatow's comedic credibility. In an interview, Apatow claimed he's working on a script for a full-length feature for Randy, one of the minor characters in Funny People. For those of you not familiar with the internet phenomena that is Randy, just Google "Raaaaaaaandy" (with eight "A"s), and you'll be referred to a plethora of Funny or Die clips of Randy in action.

THIS is what Apatow wants to make a movie out of.

I get the joke: Randy isn't supposed to be funny. I mean, he's a comedian with a DJ, for Christ's sake. His non-hilarity is what's funny. But it's not. It's not funny at all, even in a not-supposed-to-be-funny way. And yet, based upon the response to this 15 or so minutes of footage about as funny as brain surgery, Apatow thinks Randy would be a good subject for a movie.

Ya know, Lorne Michaels has been doing this exact same thing for 20 years, turning sketches into full-length features, and everyone thinks he's an idiot. Judd Apatow wants to do the same thing with material that's not as funny as any given sketch of Mary Katherine Gallagher, and people thinks it's a brilliant idea. Add to that the fact that Randy is played by a douchebag who
can't tell the difference between a standard movie screen and one that's three stories tall, and I think you have the making of a movie that will replace Walk Hard as the biggest turd in Apatow's filmography.

But...what do I know. I'm sure it will be hilaaaaaaaarius.

What I'm Reading

2009-07-28T20:29:00.011-05:00

A couple of months back, I mentioned that I was so soured on reading that I was watching whatever I could find on TV. Now, we've reeeeally reached the dog days of TV, the point between the end of the summer shows and the start of the fall shows. So, I've fallen back on books. And I've managed to knock down quite a few so far (but nowhere near my record of 13 books during the three months of summer).

Here's a couple of things you can read during the waning summer months:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy
I realize that this won the 2007 Pulitzer Prize for fiction, but it's really a slog. Admittedly, I'm only about halfway through, but, fuck, this is a tough read; it makes Crime and Punishment seem like an easy beach read. There's a movie version of this coming out in the fall, and there's also a number of ripoff versions (like Book of Eli and Carriers) coming out as well. What the ripoffs seem to get is that just having people wander around in a post-apocalyptic world is boring, and that adding action scenes considerably livens up the proceedings. I wish McCarthy had realized that before he wrote this. To quote Homer Simpson: "That's boring. You're boring everybody! QUIT BORING EVERYONE!!"

Rollie's Follies by Rollie Fingers
A book of anecdotes from baseball Hall of Famer Rollie Fingers. This is really an enjoyable read, as, unlike most books written by sports figures, it has almost nothing to do with Rollie Fingers. It's just Rollie riffing on a bunch of obscure facts and figures from the history of baseball. It's an interesting and easily-digestible read; I read it in six days, entirely on the toilet.

Clint Eastwood: A Biography by Richard Schickel
The definitive Eastwood biography from an admitted Eastwood fan. It's a must-read for Eastwood fans, as it goes into great detail in all aspects of Eastwood's life, particularly in the making of all his films. And full cooperation by Eastwood helps greatly. Mind you, this book only covers Eastwood's life through Bridges of Madison County, but, hell, covering the first 40 years of a guy's career is plenty.

Road Dogs by Elmore Leonard
Even at 83, Elmore Leonard still cranks out a book a year. And, even at 83, he makes the tough guy dialogue that Quentin Tarantino tries to oh-so-unconvincingly emulate seem effortless. I hope he writes until he's 100, because it'll be a great blow to literature once he's done.

Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way by Bruce Campbell
Bruce Campbell's tell-all of the making of the Mike Nichols' film Let's Make Love. This book would be a scandal-maker on the level of You'll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again...if only a single word of it were true. Campbell has completely fabricated the movie, the making, even his own prima donna behavior. He's actually a pretty good writer, coming up with such a detailed and interesting story; it makes you wonder if he hasn't wasted his career playing second-banana to Sam Raimi.

But, after having read all of these great pieces of literature, the best thing I've read so far this summer was a bumper sticker that read, "Republicans for Voldemort."

That's some funny shit.

Eloquence Not A Hall Of Fame Criterion

2009-07-27T21:24:00.008-05:00

If you weren't lucky enough to be able to go to Cooperstown for this weekend's Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony, chances are you missed Rickey Henderson's semi-literate induction speech. Here's an entertaining excerpt:

It's a good thing that Henderson's bona fides as the best lead-off hitter in the history of baseball is enough to get him into the Hall of Fame, because his inability to speak the English language certainly wouldn't put him in.

The story of John Olerud's batting helmet gains more credibility every time I watch this.

BTW, The Hall of Very Good has been Hall of Fame-crazy the past week, so check 'em out if you're a Hallophile.

The Rock Of Ages

2009-07-20T20:54:00.017-05:00

In my quest to see bands that I missed in their heyday 20 years ago, I went to a Def Leppard concert this weekend. Poison, another first, and Cheap Trick, whom I'd seen twice before, opened.

It was nice to see all these bands who have been around 20-30 years out there with their original lineups, still playing together after all these years. (Well, that's not entirely true in the case of Def Leppard, but Steve Clark's death precludes him from touring, so that's all right.) And it's actually a bit of an oddity for them to do so, because there are a lot of big-name bands out there from the '70s and '80s who aren't touring in their original iterations. Journey is without the services of long-time vocalist Steve Perry. Foreigner is basically Mick Jones and a bunch of guys he picked up along the way. Styx makes due by not playing the homo songs that Dennis DeYoung wrote before they kicked him out of the band. Dokken has been a revolving door of guitarists since George Lynch left. Ozzy Osbourne isn't on speaking terms with the original Blizzard of Ozz band. Even Van Halen hasn't toured with its original lineup for 25 years. The fact that Cheap Trick and Poison are still playing with their original lineups says a lot about these bands. And I'm willing to grant an "original lineup" exception to Def Leppard, since "new guy" Viv Campbell has been with the band for 17 years. (Much like how Brian Johnson is the "new guy" in AC/DC, even though he's been with the band for nearly as many years as Bonn Scott lived.)

The funny thing about these bands is that they outlived the thing that destroyed them. When Nevermind came out in '91, the music world changed, and all of the hard rock and glam metal bands that had dominated the previous decade just fell off the planet. Suddenly, alternative rock was the big thing. (I've always been been bothered by the connotation of "alternative" rock, because, when an "alternative" band is more popular than its "mainstream" counterparts, exactly what is it alternative to?) But, 15 years later, of all the big-name bands that dominated the '90s, only two still exist: Pearl Jam and Stone Temple Pilots (who just got back together after a decade-long hiatus). Everyone else faded to black. (I don't include Alice in Chains here, even though they're giving it a try with a new lead singer, as, truth be told, they're a heavy metal band who just happened to have the right sound at the right time and were lucky enough to get lumped in with the rest of the grunge ilk.)

The fact that people actually still go to see Poison and Def Leppard tells me that these bands never ceased being popular; they were merely waiting for the "alternative" thing to die down. As bands that now make most of their money from touring, I'd say they're more popular now than the bands that usurped them in the '90s. I saw Soundgarden, at the height of their popularity, at the same arena back in '94, and there were not as many people at that show as there were at this Def Leppard show. And I'm betting that if Soundgarden DID get back together, they wouldn't pack as many in.

I hate to say it, as much as I hate the '80s, I'm starting to appreciate some of those bands more and more. I know: it's a scary thought, but they're starting to make the bands of the '90s seem like a bad joke.

Flying To St. Maarten Might Be A Bad Idea

2009-07-16T18:35:00.002-05:00

During one of the random clickathons that comprises my usual internet sessions, I came across this video of a KLM flight landing at the airport on the Caribbean island nation of St. Maarten (as opposed to St. Martin, which is the other end of the island):

After seeing this video, I have two words to say about traveling to the Dutch Antilles:

FUCK. THAT.

I know that the Caribbean is a popular tourist attraction and that St. Maarten is probably a beautiful place. And I know a lot of people who have traveled to the various islands and loved it, but if there's a possibility that my plane is going to hit the runway with a car wrapped around its landing gear, I think I'll pass.

What I'm Listening To

2009-07-13T19:50:00.028-05:00

Chickenfoot - Chickenfoot (2009)
What do you do when the band that was at its most creative while you were the frontman decides to go on tour with their original clown of a lead singer? Why, you take their bass player and start your own version of the band, which is exactly what Sammy Hagar has done with Chickenfoot. It's pretty much Van Halen, ver. 2.5, as it features the non-Van Halen half of the second iteration of Van Halen, as well as Chad Smith, the Will Ferrell-lookalike drummer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and guitar genius Joe Satriani. When I pressed play on this record, I was disappointed with the first track, as it's a pretty bad song, and Sammy's voice just wasn't sounding right, and the guitar work was fairly pedestrian, and it's just not good. I was so set to be disappointed with the rest of the record. But on the second track, Sammy starts to sound like Sammy again, and the Michael Anthony backing vocals kick in, and Joe starts to shred a little, and suddenly I'm listening to the best Van Halen-less Van Halen record ever. The key to this whole venture is Satriani. Like most shred guitarists who came up in the '80s, Satriani's style is heavily informed by Eddie Van Halen's. But, unlike a lot of those same guitarists, Satriani has actually gotten better than Van Halen. And, while Eddie is still working on those tired licks from a body of work that stops 10 years ago, Satriani is still writing music and still getting better. Eddie needs to realize that the two-handed tapping, the dive bombs, the staccato harmonics: all that was revolutionary 25 years ago, but eight year old kids can play that shit now. And guys like Satriani and his assorted disciples have all passed him by. The old Van Halen is dead; long live the New Halen!

Daughtry - Leave This Town (2009)
To paraphrase a Herman's Hermits song: "Second verse, same as the first." It's nice to see that Daughtry appears to be an actual band that writes its own songs, and not just a bunch of studio musicians with a Svengali like Max Martin doing all the hard work. Good for them. Aaaaaaaand I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I like this album.

Assorted Michael Jackson cuts
Because everyone in the world has busted out Thriller in the past two weeks and rediscovered why it's the best-selling album of all time. Although, on retrospect, I will say that Eddie Van Halen's solo in "Beat It" is one of the most slapdash pieces of shit I've ever heard. I'd say it was pieced together with Pro Tools, but that didn't exist back then, so it actually IS that shitty; talk about phoning it in.

Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath & Paranoid (both 1970)
Even though no one in the band has died (that I know of), I felt the urge to bust out the old Black Sabbath records. Nothing new to report here, as both these albums are older than I am, except that, for being a crusty British white guy, Bill Ward was a pretty funky drummer.

Boston - Boston (1976)
Sometimes, I get going on the crackpipe and decide to listen to something I had really never considered listening to. This week, it was Boston's debut album. This is one of the few albums I can think of that every man, woman, and child has heard every cut off of. (Thriller, oddly enough, is another.) And while, in the '90s, I would have considered this album "gay," it's really not that bad; it's aged much better than a lot of the music from the '90s. Hell, if it's good enough for Kurt Cobain to steal the riff for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" from, then it's good enough for me.

Oasis - (What's the Story) Morning Glory? (1995)
Even though they never got as big in the States as they did in the U.K., Oasis is still a pretty good band, despite the obvious Beatles comparisons. And this album is their most-consitently entertaining.

The History of Howard Stern
Sirius has been airing this while Stern has been on vacation. It's great to hear all the old stuff that not only made Stern into the monumental figure he is now, but wrote the playbook for every radio host from there on out. The work of true genius.

If I listen to anything else listenalbe, I'll let you know.

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-07-06T17:56:00.016-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that Kobe Bryant was able to overcome the "Shaq Curse" and finally win a post-Shaq championship. I figured that maybe this would be the start of the new Kobe Era, where he's actually able to win championships on his own.

That was...until the Cavs traded for Shaq.

Mind you, I think that Shaq, as a basketball force, is done. Hell, I'm a firm believer that Shaq never had any basketball skill. But, he's a proven winner. Shaq can still travel his way to the basket and score points, and if you can find the right people to put around him to do the "skill" work, you'll win championships. And now that he's on a team that has already shown it can go the distance without him, I think the Cavs' chances for a championship just improved greatly. He may very well be the last piece in the Cavs' championship puzzle.

After that trade, I'd have said that Kobe's chances of a repeat just went down to zero...until the Kobes signed Ron Artest.

This is a real coup for the Kobes, as it now makes them a team that might actually be able to win a game should Kobe not be in the lineup. Artest is another player who, despite the fact he's a piece of shit human being, can turn a team around if you put the right players around him; he was what the Rockets, who had two All-Star starters in their lineup, needed to get over the hump. It's an absolute dream for Artest, who leaves behind a team that is very quickly literally falling apart.

However, Artest needs to realize that, unlike most of the teams he's played on in the past, he's not the go-to guy here. The Kobes are Kobe's team, and no one puts Kobe in the corner. If Artest can accept his role as a guy who may occasionally get the ball and have to put it in the basket (but only after checking with Kobe first), I think we may finally get the Finals that everyone thought we'd get this year.

All that being said, if Kevin Garnett comes back, the Celtics will be able to field an All-Star at nearly every position now that they have Rasheed.

And that won't make it easy for anybody.

Last Five Movies: Dead Celebrity Edition

2009-07-01T22:16:00.009-05:00

In lieu of going on about the already-overreported rash of recent celebrity deaths (Karl Malden being the latest one), here's a more upbeat discussion of some recent movies I've seen:

The House Bunny (2008)
This is one of those movies where they try to make pretty girls ugly. But it would take some major deconstructive surgery to make me believe girls like Kat Dennings and Katharine McPhee are ugly. This may also be the only movie in history whose soundtrack is composed entirely of songs from iTunes commercials. The laughs are few and far between here, with the cleverest joke being one of the characters using the name "Cole Trickle" as an alias (and this single Days of Thunder reference was funnier than Talladega Nights). And, speaking of movies in need of a laugh...

Year One (2009)
You would assume that, when you cram this much comedic talent into one movie, there would be some laughs. You would be wrong. I laughed approximately twice. I realize that Judd Apatow only produced this, but considering nearly every movie he's produced has been garbage, I'm beginning to doubt Apatow's pedigree as a great comedic mind.

Transformers 2 (2009)
Rather than attempt to describe how bad this movie is, I'll instead ramble off some of the "best" bits:

Best Continuity Error - Sometime, it takes a Transformer minutes to transform; other times, it takes a second;

Best Racial Stereotype - The two "black" Autobots, who talk in jive, have gold teeth, and are constantly trying to kill each other. I'm sure that if Pennzoil made a malt liquor, they'd be drinking that, too;

Best Special Effect - Megan Fox's pants, which remain preternaturally white throughout the whole movie;

Best Balls - The giant Decepticon made out of construction equipment has testicles made of wrecking balls clanging around between its legs;

Best Nonsense - Any scene containing a Transformer. Or any scene involving humans. And everything in between.

Twice as big and twice as bad as the original.

Surveillance (2008)
A rather nonsensical and predictable thriller, written and directed by David Lynch's daughter. Only interesting turns from Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond keep it from being completely unwatchable.

Well, DUUUUH:

Futurama: Into the Wide Green Yonder (2009)
How is it that a direct-to-video movie from a canceled animated TV show is better than most things that Hollywood can produce? Because it's fucking brilliant, that's how. It's the final installment of this great experiment, and the whole thing has proved so popular that Futurama is actually going back into production with new shows. That's great news, considering Futurama was one of the best shows on TV before Fox unceremoniously canceled it.

I can't wait.

Getting slightly off-topic...I haven't said anything about the recent celebrity deaths and don't plan on it, as every cable news channel has devoted all their programming in the past week to them. However, I would like to mention Karl Malden, an Oscar winner whose career spanned 60 years, whose death today will be completely overshadowed by the 24/7 Michael Jackson coverage. In sticking with the "recent movies" theme, I thought I'd mention some films I've seen recently that featured Malden and others who have joined the Walk of Fame in the Sky:

Billion Dollar Brain (1967)
Michael Caine's third go-round in the role that would provide Mike Myers with oh-so-hilarious comedic gold for years to come. Malden plays the villain here, and does a fine job with it. Morbid fact: Ed Begley, Sr., who's also in the film, died two years later at age 69. Malden, who was 14 years younger, would outlive him by nearly 30 years. There's something to be said about good living.

The Swarm (1978)
Another terrible Disaster Movie from Irwin Allen, this one about killer bees. Notable for featuring a massive Oscar-winning and -nominated cast. Henry Fonda, Fred MacMurray, José Ferrer, Ben Johnson, Richard Widmark, Alejandro Rey, Cameron Mitchell, Slim Pickens: all talented actors, and all completely dead (much like their careers when they made this). Oddly enough, Olivia de Havilland, who plays Johnson and MacMurray's love interest (!!), celebrates her 93rd birthday today.

Suddenly, Last Summer (1959)
Gore Vidal's bastardization of the Tennessee Williams play of the same name. There are a number of dead gays in the cast and crew (Williams, Vidal, and Monty Clift being the known ones), which is ironic, since Williams' original play was about homosexuality, but the movie makes absolutely no mention of it. Mercedes McCambridge and Katharine Hepburn, who was nominated for an Oscar, round out the late castmembers.

Burnt Offerings (1976)
Just another one of the million or so predictably stupid horror movies that came out in the '70s. Oliver Reed, Bette Davis, Burgess Meredith, Eileen Heckart, and Dub Taylor are all survived by Karen Black, who, in another odd coincidence, celebrates her 70th birthday today.

Here's to hoping that every celebrity lives a long life.

Fox Might Have Their Work Cut Out For Them

2009-06-26T13:00:00.003-05:00

I recently had the chance to check out all of Fox's new fall shows. My thoughts:

Glee
I had already seen this one, and a second viewing didn't improve my opinion of it. A so-so show that sticks all of its great comedic talent (like Jane Lynch and Stephen Tobolowsky) in minor background roles, and gives all the comedic heavy lifting to a bunch of no-names. And it's about a glee club, which is a big negative.

Brothers
A show with so many gimmicks, it should actually be called Gimmicks. The brother who's a retired pro football player is played by actual retired pro football player Michael Strahan. The other brother is in a wheelchair. They're black, so that puts a twist on the whole "brothers" thing. I was somewhat startled by the sight of Carl Weathers sans hair and mustache. CCH Pounder is a talented actress, but here she's reduced to being the setup (wo)man for all the "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" lines. I thought there was a limit to how many disability jokes you could squeeze into 22 minutes, but I was proven wrong. I'd say that once Fox cancels this, it could be picked up by CBS, which can't get enough shitty sitcoms, but the appearance of an all-black cast might alarm the network's key 60 years old and older demographic.

Past Life
A detective agency (?) investigates the past lives of its clients (hence the title). If you like Medium or Ghost Whisperer, you MIGHT like this show that isn't as good; otherwise, PASS. It's nice to see Richard Schiff on TV again, but that's no reason to watch this.

The Cleveland Show
I won't lie to you: I only watched approximately three minutes of this show. But that was all it took to deduce that this is yet another awful rehash of Family Guy. And, since Family Guy is one of the least funny shows on TV, it stands to reason that this is about a third as funny as that. Thanks, Fox, for continuing to perpetuate Seth MacFarlane's belief that he's hilarious.

Sons of Tuscon
This show can be summed up thusly: Scumbag adult hangs out with a bunch of youngsters and many shenanigans ensue. This will be lucky to air three episodes before being shown the door.

Human Target
Mark Valley plays a kind of fixer/private detective/bodyguard who protects his clients by insinuating himself into their dangerous circumstances. Despite the fact that this is derived from a relatively obscure DC Comics character AND that it has already been unsuccessfully adapted for TV once before, I actually like this show. It's by no means an original concept (The Equalizer is one previous example that comes to mind), but its outstanding production values and cast make up for its unoriginality. Chi McBride is totally wasted here (I'd much rather see him and Kristen Chenoweth in their own Pushing Daisies spinoff), but Jackie Earle Haley is a welcome addition to the cast (and the fact that Haley was completely out of the business five years ago should tell you how fucked up Hollywood's priorities are). There's even some quality guest appearances from Trish Helfer and Danny Glover. Of everything I watched, this is the only show I would watch again. That being said, it will get canceled after six episodes (because I like it, and that's what happens to shows I like).

Based upon what I've seen so far of Fox's lineup, I'd say they're going to need about 44 episodes of House and two full seasons of American Idol to make up for all of this dreck. Otherwise, I believe we might be looking at our new fourth-place finisher.

Things are looking up, NBC!

The Oscars Get A Makeover

2009-06-25T18:53:00.011-05:00

Yesterday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that they are going to expand the Best Picture Oscar category to 10 nominees, starting with the 2010 ceremony. This hearkens back to the olden days of the ceremony, which presented 10 or so nominees for 13 years, from '31 to '44.

Here's what Academy President Sid Ganis had to say about the change:

“Having 10 Best Picture nominees is going to allow Academy voters to recognize and include some of the fantastic movies that often show up in the other Oscar categories, but have been squeezed out of the race for the top prize.”

Ten nominees? Really?!?

Do we really feel that there are that many good movies out there that are getting the shaft that we need to expand the field to include more? Ya know, there's a reason there's just five nominees: it's to keep EVERY movie from getting nominated. Those Best Picture nominees should be the best movies that year. You expand it out, and crap that really doesn't need to be in there sneaks in (although, based on last year's nominees, sometimes the crap sneaks in with just five).

What if 10 people nominate Transformers 2 as a joke (because I'm sure there are probably some jackasses like myself in the Academy who would conceive of such a prank), and 10 votes just happens to be the tie-breaker for 10th place? So, now we have Transformers 2 as a Best Picture nominee? When you've just got five nominees, you have to carefully pick who you want to nominate, because you've only got five. But, once you get it out to 10, you kinda start picking movies out of a hat. I know I'm hard-pressed to name 10 great movies every year; I'm sure there are Academy voters who have similar challenges.

And you know what I blame for this expansion of the field? The success of The Dark Knight.

A lot of people thought that The Dark Knight got the shaft when it didn't get nominated for Best Picture last year. It was the highest grossing movie of the year (2nd of all time) and was resoundingly loved by everyone (though hated by me). Maybe The Dark Knight was in everyone's top 10, but not top five. But, when you expand the field to 10, maybe The Dark Knight makes the cut. And seeing as a lot of Academy members haven't actually seen all the nominated movies, it's no surprise that the Best Picture winner tends to be a blockbuster or has a lot of buzz. The Dark Knight had both, so, maybe, in this "what if" scenario, it wins Best Picture. And I'm more pissed off than when Slumdog Millionaire won. So, let's bump that number up and get even more undeserving shit in there. Hell, if blockbuster piece of garbage like Titanic can win, why NOT The Dark Knight?

But maybe it's not such a bad thing. Using last year as an example again, if you had 10 nominees, we probably wouldn't have ended up with the same batch of losers. Maybe The Wrestler (which really did get shafted) makes it in. Maybe even Gran Turismo. Revolutionary Road, Doubt, and Synecdoche, New York, all great films that missed the cut. Maybe if you put enough good films in there, it keeps Academy members from voting for something that doesn't deserve it because, well, what else were they going to vote for? I guess we'll have to see how it pans out in January.

That is, if they actually release any movies worth nominating by then. Half-way through the year, and I haven't seen one I'd vote for.

Not So Cool Now, Are Ya

2009-06-19T09:08:00.005-05:00

This morning, I was listening to Bob and Brian on the internet. Their online player has a feature that shows little blurbs of recent news stories. I don't usually look at them, but one popped up in Entertainment that happened to catch my eye. There was a picture of Tom Brady accompanied by the caption, "Gisele's Husband in Water Rescue." After reading the story, I can confirm that this may be the most misleading headline in history.

Being involved in a water rescue would make you think that maybe Tom had saved someone from drowning, much as Harrison Ford, Christian Slater, and George Clooney have been cited for in the past. But no. Tom Brady was the one being rescued. He and Gisele were out kayaking and Tom fell out of the boat. He couldn't get back in and needed to be rescued by a passerby.

A three-time Super Bowl champ, and this guy can't get back in a boat; what's that do to a guy's masculinity?

Then he gets referred to as "Gisele's Husband," rather than by "NFL MVP Tom Brady." Brady's got a resume that will one day be engraved on a plaque in Canton. Gisele has just the one line on hers: 2000-2007: Victoria's Secret, Underwear Model. Yet Brady gets to play bitch to his supermodel wife.

But, this story was in the "Entertainment" section, and the yokels who get all of their news from People, Us, TMZ and Perez Hilton probably couldn't pick "Tom Brady" out of a lineup, but could mos def identify "Gisele's husband."

Let's hope Brady is able to come back from his knee injury and return to his MVP form. Otherwise, he may just become that guy that's married to Gisele who fell out of that boat that one time.

As for the circulating rumor that Gisele is pregnant with Tom's baby, I think that's just a lot of hype. I doubt Brady is all that anxious to jump back in the fatherhood boat (as evidenced by his inability to jump back into an actual boat). He's already got one bastard child he's paying millions in support for, and I can't see him wanting another. Because, years from now, Tom Brady will still be Tom Brady and Gisele won't be as young and pretty, and Tom might want to trade up on that. Hell, Leonardo DiCaprio traded Gisele in in her prime; why would Brady want to "financially obligate" himself to her after she goes to pasture in 15 year?

However, men tend to get really stupid around women, and when Brady's really hot wife says she wants to have a baby, he probably jumped all in with both feet.

So, congrats on your second unwanted child, Tom. Hopefully you've got as many more Super Bowl wins in ya.

Sammy Got Some 'Splainin' To Do.

2009-06-17T09:16:00.009-05:00

To the astonishment of no one, the pesky leak that keeps trickling out the names of the 104 MLB players that tested positive for steroids in 2003 has revealed that Sammy Sosa was a steroid user. Sosa has always denied this, even going so far as to forgetting how to speak English when directly asked about it before Congress. He even managed to not perjure himself, because the "illegal steroids" he claimed to never have used aren't illegal in the República Dominicana where Sosa hails from. However, they are banned in the league in which he plays baseball, so there's that.

Now begins the discussion on whether or not Sosa is Hall-worthy. On paper, his numbers speak for themselves. His ridiculous string for 60+ homer seasons alone makes him eligible. But now that this steroid thing is out there, his chances are greatly decreased. The sports writers have already shown what they think about 'roiders, taking a resounding pass on Mark McGwire, who has never been confirmed as a user, but has always been suspected. (Mind you, even if McGwire could provide a clean test for every day he played, I still wouldn't induct him. And I actually LIKE McGwire.) And now Sosa has that same taint on him.

But the thing that must be remembered is that steroids don't make you a better player; they only make you a bigger player. Taking steroids is not suddenly going to turn you into a premiere homerun hitter. The talent has to be there. The steroids only improve the physical aspect, not the skill. Take Jason Grimsley: heavy, HEAVY steroid user, absolute shit player. Any performance bump needs to be backed with natural ability. Take me, for example. I'm 5'10", a buck 70. If I were on steroids, I'd get bigger all right, right in my fucking gut, maybe even grow some nice b-cup breasts. With some physical effort, I could probably get to be pretty strong. But I still couldn't put a bat to a fastball, much less knock it over the fence 600 times.

So, yes, there are a lot of All-Star-caliber players who have been revealed as steroid users. But how much did steroids improve their performance? How would they have done on talent alone? Would they have been complete garbage without, or just slightly diminished versions? If Sosa had hit a "mere" 30 homers a season, he'd still have 500+, which is nothing to sneeze at.

Maybe we need a "steroid curve," something on which we can judge juiced players' actual performance against their "what if" performance. Subtract 300 off every one of Barry Bonds' stats, and he's still one of the greatest players ever. And there are others who would pass a similar test.

The problem with that starts to show when you go back in the history books and compare the stats of today's supremely fit players against Hall of Famers that weren't as fit. Hank Aaron, an unremarkable guy my size, put up the greatest stat line in history. Babe Ruth, whose bulk was mostly gained from eating, drinking, and smoking constantly, put up numbers that took 80 years of trying to surpass. Mickey Mantle, who drank himself through two livers, hit a third of his 536 homers off of a destroyed knee. Sandy Koufax pitched four of the greatest seasons ever with an arthritic arm that was in constant pain. Add some sort of "doping factor" to the stats of these less-than-stellar physical specimens, and they dwarf those of today's enhanced superstars.

But, there is no curve for determining Hall-worthiness. You have to go by the numbers as they are: Do Sosa's stats put him in the Hall? Mos def. You then have to weigh that against an opinion of whether or not someone who "skewed" their stats should be in the Hall: Does the fact that Sosa used steroids to enhance his performance put him in the Hall? Not so much.

It will be interesting to see how it all pans out in 2013, when Sosa, Clemens, Bonds, and Piazza, all Hall of Fame-level players and all alleged steroid users, become eligible for Hall induction. It will be the first true test of the Steroid Era for Hall induction, and whether or not any of them make it in will shape the future of the Hall.

Ya know, back in the day, potential Hall of Famers used to retire with honor and dignity in public, tearful ceremonies at the ballpark. Nowadays, potential Hall of Famers retire after no one wants them anymore via press release and couldn't get into a ballpark on Free Admission Day.

I think that says a lot.

Kobe Bryant Proven To Be Not Totally Useless

2009-06-14T23:47:00.009-05:00

Kobe Bryant's ability as a team leader who can win championships has finally been validated, as the L.A. Kobes won their first post-Shaq championship. Phil Jackson has also finally been vindicated in his decision to keep Kobe over Shaq.

It's been a hard road for Kobe. The year Shaq left, the Heat went to the Eastern Conference finals, losing to the defending champs, while the Kobes didn't even make the playoffs. The next year, the Heat won the championship; the Kobes were out in the first round the next two years.

Kobe wanted to prove he wasn't just a second banana to Shaq. He oh so wanted you to believe that he alone could drag the Kobes to a championship. His string of 50 points games the year after Shaq won one without him proved fruitless; hell, I think he would have scored all the Kobes' points if Phil Jackson would've let him.

But Kobe just proved the point that one man alone can't win a championship. I myself even commented that Kobe couldn't do it, regardless of how many points he scored.

It finally took the addition of Spanish Shaq-replacement Pau Gasol to turn the tide for the Kobes, who immediately became a better team, going 27-9 with Gasol versus 30-16 before. They ended up going all the way to the finals before losing to the Celtics. And now, a full season from Gasol has garnered them a championship.

Congratulations, Kobe. I just hope you enjoy it and keep it up until the Cavs finally figure out how to put some good players around LeBron.

"That's SIR Christopher Lee, Mister!"

2009-06-13T23:44:00.003-05:00

Venerable character actor and long-time vampire Christopher Lee has received the highest honor attainable to a Brit, receiving an honorable knighthood from QE 2. It caps a career that has spanned 60 years and over 260 movies (nearly 100 in the '60s and '70s alone).

Not bad for a guy who has played Dracula more times than Robert Pattinson has been in a movie.

It's a fitting achievement for Lee. He's one of the last true "character" actors, not in the sense that they are able to play any role, but that if you need a certain kind of character, you call on that actor. If you needed a crusty prospector type, you got Walter Brennan. If you needed a stuffy, upper-class authority figure, you got John Houseman. If you need Christopher Lee, you get Christopher Lee.

I realize that nowadays this is called typecasting, but Lee managed to turn it into an artform and a career. He was such a powerful presence in all of his roles that he didn't even need to be the lead character to have an impact. John Wayne, another prolific actor, was in nearly every frame of every movie he was in. Lee could come in, put in two days of work, and still get his name above the title. In the six Dracula movies in made for Hammer Films, he's got maybe two hours screentime tops. Yet I think he's more associated with Dracula than even Bela Legosi. I've seen movies that he's in for 10 minutes and has top billing. That's an actor.

And now a Knight as well. I'd wish Lee much continued prosperity, but, hey, the guy's 87 years old; everyone retires eventually. Even Dracula.

3-D, Old School

2009-06-07T23:36:00.001-05:00

A couple of months ago, I saw my first full-fledged 3-D movie. Four years ago, I saw a terrible remake of House of Wax. Just this weekend, I combined the two experiences, and saw the original House of Wax in its original 3-D theatrical format.

I had seen House of Wax a couple of times on video, but this was the first time I had seen it in the theatre in 3-D. Honestly, it doesn't add much to the movie. As this was one of the first 3-D movies, first shown in 1953, they really hadn't figured out how to exploit the technology to full effect.

The print appeared to be an original, shown a with dual-sync projector. The print was probably a mashup of several prints, as evidenced by the variance in quality between reels, even between splices within the reels. (At one point, the film reverted to its original red/blue color scheme for about 50 feet.) It looked good, despite the fact that the print was scratchy as hell. It also didn't help that the screen wasn't framed right, leaving the left quarter over in the curtains somewhere.

But was it better than My Bloody Valentine 3-D? As a 3-D experience, the technology of the '50s can't even compete with that of the new millennium. But as a movie, well, House of Wax is a classic.

If you have the opportunity to see it on the big screen in 3-D, most definitely check it out. If not, it's still good on home video.

Add This To The "I Can't Believe I Watched That" File

2009-06-07T23:35:00.000-05:00

For no reason other than a copy was made available to me, I watched Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. Having seen it and wanting to be your friend, doing friendly things for you, I will tell you that there is absolutely no reason for you to see this movie. None whatsoever. In fact, if you PAY to see it, you should have yourself committed, because you've lost your fucking mind.

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, even really bad movies have some funny parts." And you're right: this does have some funny parts. And, still being your friend, I'll save you the trouble of seeing the movie and just tell you the funny parts (of which there are two): Jonah Hill's way-too-funny-for-this-movie cameo and Hank Azaria's mildly amusing Boris Karloff accent, which is only humorous for the first 18 seconds. (I just this week saw an A.1. steak sauce commercial featuring Boris Karloff that was more amusing than this movie.)

This movie, at its best, is one of the worst I've ever seen. At its worst, it's a paycheck movie, where actors only star in it because they can make a ton of money. I'm guessing the amount of money needed to pay the salaries of all the talented people who were lured into appearing in this dreck would be enough to cover the national debt with change left over.

This movie proves to me that people who pay to see an incredibly stupid movie will also pay to see an incredibly stupider sequel. (You would think I would have figured that out after National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, but I'm a little dim sometimes.) Don't be one of those people, and avoid this movie as though your life depended on it.

Will Ferrell Gets Lost With Bear Grylls

2009-06-02T22:28:00.008-05:00

Actors find all kinds of ways to do publicity when they've got a movie coming out. Most publicity involves making the talkshow circuit. Some celebrities choose to take another route and go for the all-out publicity stunt. Like when Demi Moore went on Late Night in a bikini to promote Striptease. Or when Tom Cruise had a very public meltdown in the weeks before the release of War of the Worlds. Just this week, Sasha Barton Cohen put his balls in Eminem's face to promote (?) his upcoming Brüno. Will Ferrell has a movie coming out on Friday, and decided that hanging out in Northern Sweden with survivalist madman Bear Grylls was a great way to promote Land of the Lost.

There are less extreme publicity stunts than risking life and limb over 48 hours in the Arctic Circle. In fact, there are more extreme. Ferrell could have gone on Les Stroud's Survivorman and really made a go of roughing it.

But while Stroud's brand of survivalism is more authentic, Grylls' more controlled and scripted settings allow Grylls to do more outrageous things, like bite the head off a live snake or eat berries out of bear shit. And, of course, play second banana to Will Ferrell.

I guess having an hour-long publicity stunt in primetime, filled with commercials for your upcoming movie, is never a bad thing. Even if you have to freeze your ass off to do it.

I'm A Sam Raimi Fan Again

2009-05-31T01:15:00.008-05:00

During the '80s and early '90s, I was a huge Sam Raimi fan. During that time, he made a string of over-the-top movies that have subsequently become cult classics. His gonzo, in-your-face style set him apart from every director out there, making him my favorite director at the time.

But then, Raimi decided that he no longer wanted to be an original and extraordinary director, and started making movies that were as edgy as a bowling ball. When Spiderman emerged from copyright Hell and Raimi was tapped to write and direct, I thought maybe Raimi would snap back to form and would bring some of his directorial craziness to a movie series that would benefit greatly from it. But he directed those movies with all the flair and panache of Brett Ratner. Raimi had officially become a Directron 5000, turning out movies as standard and as boring as those made by any other nameless hack.

The selling-out of Sam Raimi was complete; he was dead to me.

Then I hear that Raimi was directing a horror movie called Drag Me to Hell, which was exciting for me, because Raimi's previous horror movies are what made me a fan in the first place. But considering the movie is rated PG-13, which...a PG-13 horror movie is an oxymoron along the lines of a virgin whore, and the fact that the numerous horror movies that Raimi has produced during the '00s have all left something to be desired, I was pretty non-plussed. But, I went and saw the movie anyway, because I figured I'd give one of my former faves one last chance.

And I couldn't have been more pleased. The Sam Raimi of old is back.

All of the zany directorial flourishes that Raimi appeared to have lost over the past decade are back in full effect. The whip pans, extreme close-ups, even the classic "shaky cam" are all put to good use. Raimi can't seem go five minutes without putting something absolutely disgusting on the screen; it may be PG-13, but it's a hard PG-13, if you can imagine such a thing. And even though the movie has a ridiculous plot and set pieces that are laughably stupid, Raimi doesn't even attempt to take himself seriously. Playing this movie straight would be death, but Raimi goes for laughs as much as scares and manages to dole out an equal number of both. This is exactly what I expected and needed from a Sam Raimi horror movie.

The Sam Raimi I loved as a kid is back, and I'm tentatively calling myself a fan again. Thomas Wolfe once postulated that you couldn't go home again, returning to your roots once you've found success elsewhere. Well, Sam Raimi has, and I hope he stays there.

And, as long as you're here, take a moment and vote in the poll for your favorite "old school" Raimi movie.

The Summertime Blues

2009-05-29T22:45:00.001-05:00

Now that TV is officially on summer vacation, my DVR sits dormant, with nothing to tape on a nightly basis. Until TV resumes in September, I've had to find programming to watch in the interim.

Oh, I know I could catch up on my reading, sure. Chuck Palahniuk has a new book out, which I actually started. But it's written in such an unreadable prose that it makes A Clockwork Orange read like Fun with Dick and Jane. So, I'm pretty soured on reading right now.

However, there are still things to watch on TV, and here's what I'm watching to pass the summer months:

Rescue Me (FX)
Rescue Me should be done by now, but FX has been nice enough to produce a double season of 22 episodes, so there's still half a season to go. And, now that The Shield is gone, this is the best show on FX, which, honestly, is really saying something. And, once that wraps up in September, stick around for Sons of Anarchy.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC)
I really hate this show. The few episodes I've seen in the past have basically been about how boring it is to have eight children. And, when you've got a show this boring, you've got to spice it up a little to keep people watching. So, all of the sudden, both Jon and Kate are "having affairs." Suddenly, they're on the cover of every tabloid and their show is hot. Not that I will watch it, because it's still a stupid show about having eight kids, but it is something to watch. (And what's up with Kate's hair? Russell Brand wears that same hairdo for shock value, but does she really think that looks good?)

Life Without People (The History Channel)
An absolutely fascinating show that speculates what would happen to our planet if the human race were to just suddenly cease to exist. It's somewhat depressing to think that the only reason Mother Nature hasn't completely destroyed civilization is that humans are able to rebuild it faster than she can tear it down.

Mythbusters (Discovery Channel)
This has been on forever, and never fails to be interesting. I'm amazed at the lengths they'll go to disprove the dumbest things. And tune in an hour early to catch Time Warp, which shows what science looks like at 5000 frames per second.

Nurse Jackie (Showtime)
Ever since Six Feet Under and The Sopranos aired their long-overdue finales, and Rome and Deadwood got canceled, HBO has ceased to be the place for "Must See TV" on premium cable. That mantle has been taken over by Showtime, which puts out show after quality show. Their newest is Nurse Jackie, in which Edie Falco plays a saintly nurse who also happens to be a terrible human being. It doesn't technically start until June 8, but you can check out the pilot on-demand. And, if you tune in on the 8th, be sure to come a half hour early and catch the fifth season premiere of Weeds.

Pushing Daisies (ABC)
Seeing as ABC was dumb enough to air their ratings darling Dancing with the Stars during the spring, they've got absolutely nothing to show during the summer. So, they're showing all the remaining episodes of the shows they canceled this season. Which gives everyone a chance to watch Pushing Daisies before it goes away forever. There's only three episodes left, and ABC, for some unknown reason, has chosen to pull the previously-available past episodes from their website (yet you can watch as many episodes of According to Jim and Supernanny as you please). So, if you miss them, you miss them. And that would make you an idiot.

Three months seems like a long time, but it goes fast if you've got good shows to watch.

I Don't Get It

2009-05-25T22:37:00.003-05:00

Last night, I fucked around and finally saw the international smash hit Twilight. I'd taken a pass on seeing it, because...well, it's just a movie I had no desire to see. But The Girl swears by it. She's read all the Twilight books and has seen the movie twice. So, since she seems to like it, I thought I'd give it a go. And I really don't get what the big deal is about.

Don't get me wrong: I actually like vampires and their associated media. I'm the only person I know who's actually read Dracula. I've even read Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla, the book that gave Bram Stoker the idea for Dracula. In terms of movies, the string of vampire movies that Hammer Films produced during the '60s and '70s are some of my favorite horror films. So I'm down with the whole vampire thing. But I just can't even claim to understand what's to like about Twilight.

These vampires, the Cullens, are the lamest bunch of lame-asses ever assembled. They don't drink the blood of humans because they don't want to kill anyone. They can't go out in the sun because their skin shimmers like diamonds in direct sunlight. And even though they're not actually related, they all live together in a beautiful modern home as a nice, nuclear family. When Bella comes to visit, they welcome her into their home and are nice enough to cook her a lovely non-blood dinner. They even go outside later to play a nice game of family baseball.

Vampires. Really.

It's like Stephanie Meyer, the writer of the Twilight books, has taken the beautiful, romanticized versions of vampires from Anne Rice's novels and removed all the terrible and evil (and slightly gay) aspects of those vampires, leaving only a completely sterile version of vampires whose most difficult burden in life is how much product to put in their hair.

I guess this is what you get when a practicing Mormon writes a vampire book. All the lusty and eroticized elements are removed, replaced with good Christian values and a lot of hand holding and longing glances and "oh, I'll die without you." In fact, if you take out the vampire element altogether, what you have is a very bad version of Romeo and Juliet, where the characters unfortunately live on for three more books. (Even The Girl admits that the books are about as engaging as drying paint.)

So, as a vampire fan, I just cannot get into this whole Twilight thing, as it's basically just a teen romance with vampires who are vampires in name only. And, seeing as I'm not a teenage girl, I think they suck.

I'll take Christopher Lee's Dracula over Robert Pattison's Edward any day.

Sony Cannibalizes Itself

2009-05-20T21:34:00.007-05:00

I've made it no secret that I think Sony does some incredibly stupid things (read my previous rants here and here and even here). Ragging on Sony is something I love, because I can't think of a bigger company that has, in the name of the almighty dollar, done so many things that end up costing it money.

But it's been a while since I've been able to rip on Sony. They were victorious in their format war with HD-DVD (a first for Sony) and they finally managed to pull into second place in the console wars, a miracle, considering the PS3 is priced $100 more than the Xbox 360.

In April, Sony lowered the price of the PS2 to $99. Sony has been extremely loyal to the PS2, still continuing to put out a full roster of games for the console that has made them hundreds of millions of dollars. But, a price drop is to be expected, as the system is nearing the end of its life cycle, and the price drop usually signals the beginning of the end for a console. But maybe they'll reconsider, as reports are coming out that the PS3 has dropped to fourth in console sales behind the Wii, the Xbox 360, and (wait for it)...the PS2.

Yes, by dropping the price of the PS2, Sony has managed to cannibalize sales of the PS3 from itself. They are barely able to turn a profit on the PS3, and they lose sales on it by discounting their last-generation system. It just goes to show you that, regardless of how many bells and whistles it buys you, $300 is $300.

I suspect that legendary Sony founder Akio Morita, who turned Sony into the media giant it is today, is spinning in his grave right now.

Finals Week Is Over

2009-05-18T22:25:00.020-05:00

Now that all of the season finales have aired, here's my thoughts on how some of my favorite shows ended up (oh, and if I ruin one of your shows, it's not my fault that you can't keep up with your TiVo):

House
Chase and Cameron get married, and House ends up in the nuthatch. This show is exactly on pace for where it should be.

Fringe
I really have no idea what happened in Fringe's finale, as my DVR failed to record the end. American Idol runs long every Tuesday and Fringe, in terms of actual program v. commercials, is one of the longest shows on TV, so I always miss the end of it. I'm just glad it's coming back next season; maybe then I'll find out what happened.

The Unit
Betty Blue gets married, Colonel Ryan takes his promotion, and Jonas' wife leaves him. Actually, a very good finale, one that wrapped things up nicely, since CBS canceled the show a week later. But, never fear, fans: it'll be back with new episodes in syndication, so check your local listings next season.

The Mentalist
The thing I've always enjoyed about The Mentalist was that, unlike all the other Crime Shows on CBS (seriously: the Miniature Killer?!?), every episode was not about a serial killer. Mind you, the reason that Patrick Jane does what he does is because his family was serially murdered, but it's not the focus of the show. In fact, it was only mentioned twice during the first season. The thing I liked about the show was the fact that it's not deadly serious about itself and that it messes around a bit, something that's hard do when you're focused on catching a serial killer. And it's this quality, that it's actually fun to watch Patrick Jane fuck around with people, that made me prefer it over Lie to Me, the other show with this same premise (and only had one serial killer episode). So, all that being said, why, oh why, did they decide to end the season with a serious-as-cancer-serial-killer downer of an episode? I'm beginning to think these shows actually hate their audiences.

Heroes
Why is this show still on the air? It jumped the shark as soon as Hiro jumped into feudal Japan, which happened waaaaay back in the first season finale. Two season later, it's just a mess. It keeps trying to reinvent itself ala Lost, with disastrous results. It's like when John Byrne tried to update Superman and Spiderman by rewriting their origins in their respective comics: the fans hated it and those changes have since been forgotten. But, hey: If Spiderman can make a deal with the Devil to annul his marriage to Mary Jane Watson (and destroy 22 years worth of continuity in the process), then I guess it's all right for Nathan and Syler to be the same person.

24
While I like 24 and do mostly enjoy the show, really: how many terrorist plots does Jack Bauer need to foil in a day? Can't you just have him just work on one giant one, instead of having to tackle a new one every five or so hours? Not that the show is realistic in the least, but credibility gets stretched to the breaking point when Jack ends up saving the world at least four times during a day (AND while he's dying of a viral infection, no less). And what's with the new liberal slant to the show, where suddenly everyone is completely abhorred by Jack's methods of violence and torture, and treat him as though he is the lowest piece of shit on the face of the Earth, even though he has saved Los Angeles from complete destruction at least a dozen times? And I'm glad to see that, after a few seasons of rest, they hauled out the old "Kim Bauer in Peril" storyline again; I thought maybe they'd sneak Audrey Rains in there, too, but got disappointed on that one. About the only good thing I have to say about the season is that I was glad to see they figured out a way to write Aaron Pierce, who's the only character besides Jack to appear in every season, back into the show; here's to hoping he's still there next season.

Grey's Anatomy
So, basically, Katherine Heigel and T.R. Knight get the off-season to decide if they want to continue on the show or not, since they both got killed off. My guess is no on both, Heigel because she could probably be successful in a movie career (and because everyone appears to hate her), and Knight because, well, he got written off the show, plain and simple. The only characters on the show who actually have less going on than George are Dr. Sloan and Lexie, but they conveniently happen to be dating each other, so they actually have a plotline. Which leaves George, who, if you count off all the characters in pairs, is the only one who doesn't have anyone with which to interact without being a third wheel. So, goodbye to him. (Oh, and if you think George's death was totally shocking, remember when Omar Epps was on E.R. 12 years ago? He got killed off that show the same way George did. So much for originality.) I also thought it was rather clever that they figured out a way to postpone the big "Wedding Event" until a future sweeps period; these TV people are fucking geniuses!!

Lost
I've come to expect all kinds of craziness from Lost. I've learned to swallow a lot during the course of this show, mainly because they always seem to come up with an interesting way of explaining everything. So, I've been pretty tolerant. But when I saw Juliette fall to her apparent death, I thought, "That's it: I'm done. This show has officially lost me (no pun intended)." Because, if you're a fan of the show, by this point in the game, you hate both Jack and Kate, and were happy to see them off the island. Sawyer and Juliette: I liked that. That felt right. But then they put Jack and Kate back on the island. And then they started pushing Kate back towards Sawyer, and Jack started making his typical precariously stupid command decisions again. And then Juliette fell to the bottom of the Swan, and I thought, "I've put up with a lot, but doing that to put Kate and Sawyer back together just broke the camel's back." But, as it turns out, Juliette was NOT dead, and she detonated the nuclear device which destroys the Swan and probably everyone with it. So, who the fuck knows what's happening on Lost. I guess that's why it's such a great show: it always leaves us wanting more.

And, as long as we're on the subject of finales, we might as well talk about the shows that involuntarily aired their series finales (ie, they got canceled):

-Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles got the hook, despite there being a Terminator movie a week away;

-It's actually harder to figure out what NBC didn't cancel than figuring out what they did. They chose to stick with the terrible Parks and Recreation and let My Name is Earl go, but the real insult was when they canceled Medium, and it was promptly snatched up by CBS AND they get to watch Scrubs continue on for yet another season on ABC;

-CBS, much like me, decided that adding the black guy to Eleventh Hour ruined that show, and solved the problem by cancelling it;

-ABC long ago canceled Pushing Daisies, but they're nice enough to begin airing the remaining episodes in two weeks;

-Fox canceled two great animated shows in King of the Hill and Sit Down, Shut Up, and gave the go-ahead on a third Seth McFarland abortion, upping their McFarland programming to an hour and a half a week, which is approximately 120 minutes too many;

-CBS canceled Without a Trace, the second top 20-rated show it's canned in a week. It just goes to show that, when you air more than half of the shows in the top 20, you can pretty do whatever the fuck you want;

-Most of the mid-season shows won't be coming back;

-And, as if though you cared, Mind of Mencia won't be back.

America can finally laugh again.

Last Five Or So Movies

2009-05-16T00:10:00.017-05:00

Powder Blue (2009)
A number of years ago, I watched a Jessica Biel movie solely because she was rumored to have a nude scene in it. Those rumors proved to be false. Just the other day, I watched this one for the same reason. And those rumors proved to be true. So, I can cross that off my "To Do" list.

Taken (2008)
Luc Besson writes an pretty standard action movie with a very unconventional lead in Liam Neeson, and it makes a shitload of money. So, apparently, there is no formula to making money in the movie biz. It's all just dumb luck.

The Wild, Wild West: Season One (1965)
This was one of my favorite shows as a kid, when I caught it on its first or second syndication run. Even though it was basically "James Bond on horses," it was a very original premise, one that wouldn't appear again until another one of my faves, The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr., used it 30 years later. And, if you've never seen the show, the Will Smith movie of the same name does it absolutely no justice (surprise, surprise).

Angels and Demons (2009)
Three years ago, I saw The DaVinci Code. Three years later, almost to the day, I saw Angels and Demons. And it has all the same problems the first movie had, and is actually worse. And I disliked it even more, chiefly because of its horrid screenplay. I hate movies that force you into thinking that a certain individual is the bad guy by having him do extremely suspicious things, even casting the character with an actor who plays a villain 99% of the time, only to have the person who is totally above suspicion and whom it makes no sense to be the bad guy actually turn out to be the bad guy. The Girl claimed she wasn't fooled and when I asked her why, she said because the movie tried so hard to make you think the bad guy was who it wasn't that the alternative, however impossible, was the only possible solution. That's screenwriting at its worst. This used to happen all the time in cheapo '70s Italian Horror Movies, but this is a big-budget 2009 movie; that bargain-basement shit don't fly here. Oh, and you're welcome for ruining the movie for you; you didn't need to pay to see it anyway.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
What, with all the hype for the newest Star Trek movie, I thought it was about time to go back to watch the oldest Star Trek movie. And, since it's an odd-numbered movie, of course it sucks. However, Douglas Trumbull's Oscar-nominated FX are almost worth the admission price; thankfully, they take up more screentime than the actual plot.

After a whole bunch of losers, this brilliantly goofy thing is the tops:

Synecdoche, New York (2008)
If you thought that, based on his previous works, Charlie Kaufman was capable of some fairly twisted visions, you have no idea what he's capable of until you see this, his first foray as a writer/director. It starts out harmlessly enough, with Phillip Seymour Hoffman trying to launch a play while dealing with his failing marriage and health. But then it gradually all starts to come apart, as life literally becomes art, and vice versa. It ends in complete insanity. Kaufman's visual ideas have been heavily influenced by his collaborations with Michel Gondry; odd touches like the paintings on canvases the size of pinheads, Emily Mortimer's perpetually burning house, or the warehouse with the full-scale model of Schenectady inside, with each model having its own warehouse with its own full-scale model inside all seem to be co-opted from a Gondry daydream. But be forewarned: the movie starts very slowly; it almost seems as though Kaufman has lost his touch for the bizarre during the first half hour. But, rest assured, it does eventually turn out to be the craziest fucking movie I've ever seen.

Makes Lost almost seem logical by comparison. Check it out.

The Selling-Out Of Green Day Is Complete

2009-05-15T23:53:00.010-05:00

Remember Green Day? Not the band that won universal critical acclaim and every award possible five years ago for American Idiot. No, remember the band who, 15 years ago, jump-started punk rock with their major label debut Dookie? If you don't, that's fine, because, based on their new record, neither does Green Day.

When Dookie came out, punk rock was dead. Oh sure, it was still out there, but it wasn't getting any play. Even The Ramones were about a year away from calling it quits. And when Dookie came out, it was big again. Suddenly, you've got bands like The Offspring, Bad Religion, and Rancid getting big play on the radio, putting out records that are legitimate punk rock. They went on to influence "punk" bands like A Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, and Sum 41.

Flash-forward a number of years, and Green Day puts out a "rock opera" called American Idiot. It's not all that punky. They follow that up with a live album, where Billy Joe Armstrong is heard to yell such punkish things as "We love you!" and "You guys are the greatest audience!" And now they have 21st Century Breakdown, another concept album "inspired by Bruce Springsteen." The shit bands that were influenced by Green Day are now more punk than Green Day. They've officially turned that corner where they've gone from a band that makes loud, fast songs about getting high to making radio-friendly pop tunes about how much they hate America. They have officially sold out.

Not that it's really surprising. All legitimate punk bands eventually go pop. The Clash were a full-fledged Top 40 band by the end of their career. Hüsker Dü turned into what would have been called an "alternative" band before they broke up. And it's a poorly-kept secret that the Godfather of Punk Rock, Joey Ramone, really would rather have been a pop star. Basically, all punk bands realize what a limited musical genre punk is, and they just go on to something else. I mean, you can put out album after album of 15 tracks of essentially the same song, or you can branch out a little, add a little pop to that punk.

And that's where Green Day is now. Unfortunately for them, they were so good at the punk rock thing that, now that they've gone pop, they sound like every other shitbag band out there. They were one of the few bands who were actually creatively better when they were "punks." Now, they might as well just change their names to Good Charlotte II, because that's what they are.

Oh well; had to happen sometime.

BTW, the new Eminem album is great, just great. I never figured Dominic West for an Eminem fan, but he must be, as it's the only reason I can explain his cameo on the album.

Good stuff. Check it out.

Celebrities Know Everything

2009-05-13T22:27:00.007-05:00

If you don't know who Aziz Ansari, don't worry; nobody does. With basically only a two minute cameo in Observe and Report and a supporting role in Parks and Recreation, Greg Daniels' hilariously unfunny ripoff of The Office, to his credit, there's no reason you should know who he is.

The thing with celebrities like this is that, because nobody knows who they are, they have to do publicity stunts to get their names out there. Like Lindsay Lohan, for example. Despite the fact that she hasn't been in a noteworthy movie in five years, she's in the news every day, because, just as we begin to forget about her, she gets her tits out or fakes a lesbian relationship. It's a good way to keep your name out there.

And while that works out great for a 22-year old coke whore, it's not a good strategy for 26-year old Indian male. So, you've got to be more inventive in that case. Which is why Ansari decided to make up a fight with AMC Theatres and the IMAX Corporation.

Ansari claims that he attempted to see Star Trek in the IMAX format at an AMC theatre. He paid a $5 premium to do so, and, when he entered the theatre, was shocked to see that the movie was actually just IMAX Digital, an IMAX-branded projection system which uses a standard aspect ratio, instead of the true IMAX, which is analog 70mm on a 76'x97' screen. After watching the movie and being disappointed with his viewing experience, he asked for the $5 premium back, as he didn't feel he had been entitled to the full IMAX experience. When he was denied this, he decided to attack AMC, IMAX, and, just for the fuck of it, Regal Theatres.

Look at that: instant publicity. But, ya know, this may not seem like a publicity stunt, but there's no way it could be anything else, because anyone with a functioning brainstem would have no reason to complain.

The true 70mm IMAX format requires a lot of space to execute. It's a format that is very apparent. There's a couple of signs that might indicate you're NOT going to see a true IMAX movie:

-If the theatre is not tall enough to accommodate a 70+ foot tall screen, they might not show IMAX films there;

-If, directly outside your film's theatre, there isn't a massive, sideways-running projector with 10 foot wide film spools, there might not be an IMAX film showing in that theatre;

-If there isn't a three story tall screen at the front of your theatre, chances are, you're not going to see an IMAX film.

Now, if you're sharp enough to notice any of these things, the thing to do would be to go directly to the box office, ask for a manager, and say, "I'm sorry, I thought this film was going to be in full IMAX format. I see it's not, so I'm no longer interested in seeing the film; I'd like my money back." What you DON'T do is sit through the whole movie, and THEN ask for your money back and get pissed off when they (obviously) refuse, and THEN attack the company, even after they give you free passes.

So, how do I know this is a publicity stunt? Because no one is actually this stupid in real life.

Right?

Who Knew Journey Was This Popular?

2009-05-11T00:45:00.022-05:00

I don't think there's a man, woman, or child under the age of 25 who doesn't know who Journey is, and who can't recite all the lyrics to at least one of their songs. Journey is a really well-known band...or was.

Journey hasn't been musically relevant since before Steve Perry got kicked out of the band. Hell, Raised on Radio is the last record that anyone can name a single off of, and that was 23 years ago. The '90s pushed them into non-existence, and relegated their music to the wasteland of Classic Rock. So, before I start this whole thing, I'll paraphrase Dickens and say, Journey was dead, to begin with; there was no doubt whatsoever about that.

But then a funny thing happened. David Chase decided to stick the song "Don't Stop Believin'" into the series finale of The Sopranos, and suddenly, Journey is the greatest band ever and this song is EVERYWHERE. I'm hearing it on sports shows, in commercials, in bars, in presidential campaigns. It's the most-downloaded song in the iTunes catalog. The previews for Fox's Glee feature a choral version of it. If there's a Journey song on the radio (which now happens more frequently now), nine time out of 10, it's this song. I have heard this song more in the past six months than I've heard it in the previous 28 years.

Let me get this straight: This is a Journey song we're talking about. Neal Schon, Steve Perry, that Journey, right?

Really?!?

It's not even close to the best Journey song. It's not even the best song off Escape. Yet this is the song that has co-eds across the nation singing at the tops of their lungs at their local taverns. Maybe I've just gotten old, but I don't get it. Just when I think I start to understand the world, it does some crazy shit like think a Journey song is good and completely destroys my worldview.

I don't know why I try anymore.

Yet Another New, Improved Enterprise

2009-05-08T20:04:00.011-05:00

I've never been quite as big a Star Trek geek as I could be. Yes, I've seen all of the original show's episodes and all the movies, but there are entire series that I haven't seen an episode of.

But, that being said, I was saddened when Paramount decided to shutter the movie franchise seven years ago. And I was excited when J.J. Abrams decided to bring it back (because, quite frankly, it was about time someone who wasn't Jonathan Frakes got to direct one). And I was not really all that disappointed.

I like that there were some nice shoutouts to the past , like Kirk cheating on the Kobayashi Maru test, Rachel Nichols' turn as a green-skinned Orion cadet, the mind-controlling slugs, the fact that they actually kept Kirk an Iowa native and kept Starfleet in San Francisco. It's also the first time that we get to see first-hand how the "classic" crew got together.

Of course, die-hard fans will balk at the fact that the movie takes some liberties with Star Trek dogma, like Vulcan being destroyed, and Spock's mother along with it, Captain Pike not ending up in that box with the flashing light, and Chekov being along on the Enterprise's maiden voyage (and where's his Davy Jones wig?). But the movie cleverly places this Star Trek in an alternate timeline, created by time-traveling Romulans. Sure, it messes with the canon, but it creates all-new story possibilities (a neat trick, that).

The movie itself is a mixed bag. The fact that it's all new actors playing all the roles (except for Leonard Nimoy, who plays Future Spock) kinda disconnects it from the other movies. A lot of the action scenes seem to exist just because the screenplay called for an action scene at that point. And I haven't seen this much intentional lensflare in a movie since Close Encounters of the Third Kind; it's almost blinding at times.

But, for all it's bad points, it's still a Star Trek movie, and a flawed Star Trek movie is better than none at all.

BTW, this film is the 11th in the series, which should technically make it one of the "bad" odd-numbered films, but I think that whole thing went out the window when the "awful" 10th movie, Star Trek: Nemisis, killed the franchise. Feel free to voice your opinion of what constitutes a "good" Star Trek in the "Best Star Trek Movie" poll.

J.J. Abrams Sure Understands Cross-Promotion

2009-05-06T00:48:00.006-05:00

So, the big Star Trek movie is coming out this weekend. It's directed by J.J. Abrams, who, as you may or may not know, is one of the creators and writers of Fringe. And, if you're writing for a show which two other studios have already paid for, why wouldn't you sneak in some free publicity for your movie?

If you missed last night's episode, there's a scene in which Josh Jackson and Anna Torv investigate a lead and encounter a man claiming to be Sarek (Spock's father), who proceeds to describe the plot of the upcoming film to them. And he was played by Clint Howard, who was in "The Corbomite Maneuver" episode of the original Star Trek (and, now that I look, has been on two of the other series as well). And I don't believe anyone actually said the words "Star Trek" once. Brilliant.

This isn't the first time Abrams has done this. Three years ago, he pulled a similar stunt in Mission: Impossible 3. And, since Paramount didn't seem to balk at giving free publicity to Disney's Lost on their dime, I guess Abrams figured Fox and Warner Bros wouldn't mind if he returned the favor for Paramount.

Seriously, this guy's a genius. I've seen bigger, stupider, and more involuntary examples before, but for one guy to get away with crap like this is really the work of a genius.

Not Enough Of A Good Thing

2009-05-01T00:58:00.012-05:00

I've been a fan of Wolverine for 25 years. I have X-Men comics dating all the way back to the '60s. Needless to say, I'm fairly knowledgeable on the subject of Wolverine.

Yet, here I am, watching Wolverine, the Movie, being inundated with all of this new information that I didn't know about Wolverine and the Marvel Universe in general. Here's a sampling of the revelatory bombs I was forced to assimilate:

-That Wolverine is about 170 years old, and has fought in nearly every war that the U.S. has participated in, dating back to the Civil War (even though he's Canadian);

-That he and long-time enemy Sabertooth are actually brothers;

-That Silver Fox was just a girl with a dumb power, and not a covert terrorist;

-That Wolverine is, more or less, immortal, and there's a ridiculous deus ex machina that exploits this fact to explain why he can't remember his past;

-That Professor X can walk;

-That Blob was a good guy;

-That Deadpool is some kind of freak with everyone's powers;

-That Wolverine's claws are actually bone, even though I have an Official Guide to the Marvel Universe (c. 1982) which quite plainly shows them to be mechanical in nature (wow, I really geeked out there for a bit);

-That Emma Frost never had any psychic abilities;

-That William Stryker is still a Colonel and not a Reverend.

What did I expect: It's a movie version of a comic book. Of course they're going to change things that aren't easily explained or don't seem cool enough.

But it can't be entirely blamed on the film's writers. Marvel has retconned Wolverine's origins and powers so many times over the years that the Wolverine of today's comics (hell, the whole Marvel Universe in general) bears little resemblance to the one that first appeared 35 years ago.

Oh, "how's the movie," you ask? Well, it's terrible. I didn't think it was possible to make a worse X-Men movie than the abortion that Brett "I Break Everything I Touch" Ratner foisted upon the world, but I was wrong. While I appreciate the attempts of the writers to do interesting things with elements from the comics, like actually using Silver Fox and the long-forgotten Team X, the film is basically just scene after scene of someone trying to kill Wolverine, which we all know is a Sisyphean task, as Wolverine can't die. And I don't ever need to see another scene, ever again, of two characters running at and smashing into each other from 50 paces, because, after having seen it roughly a million times in this movie, I'm set for life. Even the special FX really aren't that great.

In terms of a franchise, it's my personal opinion the X-Men Origins is dead (even though this thing will make $200 million, easy), because, once you get Wolverine out of the way, every other X-Man basically has the same origin story: So-and-So found out they were a mutant, joined the X-Men, The End. And that story is not exactly cinematic gold. The only two characters who I would even consider having interesting-enough origins would be Rouge and Emma Frost. But (and here's the problem with doing origins after you've already told the rest of the story) the previous films have already altered their origins so greatly that they don't even sync with the comics anymore. So, we'll see what kind of boring shit they come up with there.

Ya know, last year at this time, I was pleased by a comic book adaptation (and then was gravely disappointed mere months later by another) that had everything that I, as a fan of the book, would want in a movie version. And now, this year at this time, here's another comic book adaptation that...well, I'm not sure what comic it's adapted from, but it sure is terrible.

Not something I ever remember reading.

Apple Pulls A Boner

2009-04-24T21:28:00.008-05:00

Yesterday, Apple, which has previously been unable to do anything wrong in regards to technology, was forced to pull one of its iPhone applications due to public outcry. The application in question? A fun little game called "Baby Shaker," in which your phone cries like a baby and you must see how long you can endure the crying before being forced to shake it to "sleep." Sounds like a real hoot.

Remember, like, 12 years ago, when that nanny played this game for real and killed that baby? I know I had a great time just hearing about it, and I'm sure it was a blast to actually participate.

It's a good thing that Apple came out with an app that allows you to replicate shaking a baby to death, because I wouldn't want to be left out on those good times. I can only hope that they'll come out with funner apps like "McDonald's Shootout" or "Suicide Bomber," because I'm sure the home versions of those activities are just as entertaining as their real-life counterparts.

I hear that the next update of iTunes will have a feature where you can starve an African child. I can't wait to install that one!

I'm Mildly Surprised

2009-04-21T21:02:00.003-05:00

Musical supergroups, bands made up from members of several other bands, are always a mixed bag. Some are good, like Audioslave, which combined a talented singer/songwriter best not left to his own devices with the rhythm section of Rage Against the Machine. Some are bad, like Mad Season, which combined the least talented members of their respective grunge bands. Supergroups have always been more of a "corporate rock" thing anyway, because, honestly, who but a record company executive was longing to hear a mashup of King Crimson, Yes, and Emerson, Lake and Palmer?

And today brings the release of an album by yet another supergroup that I'm sure was focus-grouped into existence. That band is Tinted Windows, and, since I'll listen to anything once, I gave their new self-titled record a listen. And, truthfully, it's not bad; it's something I'd listen to more than once.

It's pop-rock at its most saccharine. But of course it is: it's fronted by an all-growns-up Taylor Hansen, and all the songs were written by the guy who wrote "Stacy's Mom" and "That Thing You Do." It sound like an album that Cheap Trick never made, which isn't surprising, as the drummer is Bun E. Carlos, who's been behind the kit for Cheap Trick for almost 40 years.

The real wild card in the group is James Iha, in his first gig since not being invited back to the Smashing Pumpkins' reunion. This seems a little out of his musical realm, but, a job is a job, I guess. (His uninspired playing here makes me wonder if there isn't some validity to the rumor that Billy Corgan played all the guitar parts on the Smashing Pumpkins' albums by himself.)

If you're looking for some mindless diversion to listen to, you could do worse. You might even enjoy it.

Not Enough Of A Good Thing

2009-04-17T22:08:00.015-05:00

It's the beginning of the end for Prison Break, which begins airing the first of its last six episodes tonight. And it's a bittersweet ending, because, while no one likes to see a good show go off the air, Prison Break has been nearly unwatchable since its first two brilliant seasons.

Prison Break has been lucky, a great show that was allowed to run its course and continue on until it got really awful, much like Happy Days did in its last five seasons. And other not-so-great shows, like Survivor, currently airing its 18th season (!?!), continue on, even though they ran out of ideas years ago.

But others have not been so lucky, brilliant shows cut down in their prime before they managed to hit their strides. Television, after all, is not about creativity, but about ratings, and shows that aren't blockbuster hits, regardless of creativity or brilliance, are shown the door post-haste.

So, in deference to Prison Break, which should have been canceled two seasons ago, here's a list of some of my favorite shows that never got their own chances to wear out their welcomes:

Twin Peaks (1990-1991)
Oddly enough, a show that did wear out its welcome, but for different reasons. When the show first debuted, it was a ratings hit. Everyone wanted to know who killed Laura Palmer. But show creator David Lynch had no intention of telling us. Lynch was more interested in the characters of Twin Peaks, and Laura Palmer's murder was merely a clever plot device that allowed them to exist. (CBS is currently attempting something similar with Harper's Island, and doing very poorly with it, I might add.) ABC wasn't interested with this tactic and pushed Lynch to resolve the show's murder plot and move onto something else. He begrudgingly obliged and proceeded to lose interest, having very little to do with the show afterwards. Once the question of "Who Killed Laura Palmer" was answered, the rest of America lost interest in the show as well, and the show was canceled at the conclusion of its second season.

Profit (1996)
A show years ahead of its time, Profit was the story of a ruthless corporate VP who had his own twisted reasons for climbing the corporate ladder. TV was happy happy, joy joy in those days, and the story of a psychotic anti-hero who slept in a cardboard box just didn't sit well with anyone. Fox pulled the plug after four episodes.

Action! (1999)
Another groundbreaking show that was waaay too racy for network TV. It aired eight episodes before Fox canceled this biting Hollywood satire.

Clerks: The Animated Series (2000)
Clerks was a breakout hit for Miramax and Disney when it came out in 1994. I'm sure that when Kevin Smith pitched a TV version of the show that Miramax and Disney jumped at the chance to catch lightning in a bottle again. But this animated version, which featured a then-unheard of comedic turn by Alec Baldwin, was so wildly different from the live-action version that ABC canceled it after two episodes.

Robbery Homicide Division (2002)
Every since CSI became a hit for CBS, the network has become lousy with police procedural shows, most stretching the term "police procedural" to its breaking point. But this show, the brainchild of Michael Mann, was as gritty and realistic as they come, making the Crime Shows of today seem like fairy tales by comparison. One of the first shows shot in HD video, CBS canceled it after 10 episodes.

Arrested Development (2003-2006)
The patron saint of canceled shows, having been beatified by legions of loyal fans. But those legions weren't enough to keep it from being canceled after three ever-shortened seasons. Fans, rejoice, as a feature film is very likely on the way.

Invasion (2005)
A very well-produced and written show about long-dormant aliens being stirred up by a hurricane. And what happens to a town when a majority of their population is overtaken by alien replicas? We'll never know, as ABC canceled it after its single season.

Reunion (2005)
Six high school friends reunite at their 20-year reunion and one of them is murdered. As the police questioned the survivors, the show flashed back to what led them to this point, with each episode chronicling a year's worth of events. Whodunit? It's still a mystery, as the show never made it past 1994.

Justice (2006)
Of all the garbage shows that Jerry Bruckheimer has put on the airwaves, the only one I've enjoyed was the one that lasted the least amount of time, airing only its original order of episodes.

Thief (2006)
A great show in which Andre Braugher was the mastermind of a high-tech heist gone wrong. (Remember when Braugher left Homicide because he wanted to pursue a movie career? He's starred in four TV series since. Some movie career, huh.) FX canceled it after a season, which is odd, since they'll let a boring, meandering show like the Ri¢hes go on for years, but kill a good one like this when it's just getting interesting.

Shark (2006-2008)
James Woods' first foray into TV was a return of the old Jimmy Woods, the coked-up, manic psychopath that made him a star in the '90s, and we were all happy to see him back. But, alas, sagging ratings and a production shutdown due to the Writers Strike caused CBS to cancel it after it ran out of episodes in Season 2.

Journeyman (2007)
Kevin McKidd becomes unstuck in time, and is forced to help people whenever he ends up. What caused this middle-mannered reporter to become a time-traveler? We never found out, because NBC chose not to order anymore episodes after the Writers Strike.

My Own Worst Enemy (2008)
Christian Slater is a secret agent who leads a double life, unbeknownest to his "off-duty" alter ego. NBC let it run out its initial order with no re-up, but the exact same plot has been picked up by Fox's Dollhouse, which I hope lasts longer than the 13 episodes they've got in the can.

Pushing Daisies (2007-2009)
The best show to come on since the the cancellation of Arrested Development. Writing, production, casting: all perfect. But the show comes from the twisted mind of Bryan Fuller, whom the networks like in theory, but really hate once his shows hit the air. ABC canceled it before it finished its second season. But (again), fans, rejoice, as ABC has promised to air the remaining unaired episodes at the end of May.

Hopefully, they'll keep some of the shows I like on the air. I wouldn't count on it, though; nothing I seem to like sticks around for long.

Last Five Movies - Unemployment Edition

2009-04-14T16:32:00.008-05:00

Seeing as I'm currently unemployed, needless to say, I've got a lot of free time to consume a lot of movies. Here's what I've seen recently:

I Love You, Man (2009)
Paul Rudd has managed to go from Phoebe's boyfriend on Friends to absolutely owning an entire genre of movies. Not as funny as Role Models, but at least twice as funny as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the last movie to star both Rudd and Jason Segel.

Knowing (2009)
And speaking of guys owning a genre, Nic Cage is the go-to guy for any Shitty Action Movie you may have. Remember when he won an Oscar? Neither do I.

Duplicity (2009)
A year after he wrote and directed a movie that was nominated for seven Oscars, I was expecting something a little better from Tony Gilroy than this confusing and marginally entertaining mess, which he also wrote and directed. But, he also wrote The Cutting Edge, so I should have suspected that not everything he writes is going to be Oscar-worthy.

Ratatouille (2007)
Until Dreamworks decides to really up their animation game and stop worrying about making money, they will never produce anything as well as Pixar. I don't care how much money all the Shreks and whatever else they've produced made, their entire filmography isn't as good as this one movie. Twenty-two Oscars for Pixar to two for Dreamworks; 'nuff said.

Yes Man (2009)
Have you seen Liar, Liar? No need to see this then.

The Last House on the Left (2009)
In the '70s, there were a number of horror movies made, like The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and The Last House on the Left, that shocked people with their portrayal of violence. They were cheaply made, were unrepentantly grim, and portrayed violence in a gritty and realistic way that gave them an almost documentary feel. They were terrifying when they first came out, but have developed cult followings over the years. And filmmakers have exploited these exploitation films by remaking them, but with the exact opposite qualities that made the originals so shocking. Wes Craven's Last House on the Left was so reviled that it was banned in many countries, most notably the U.K., where it was on the banned "video nasties" list for 30 years; it's tagline was "To avoid fainting, keep telling yourself, 'it's only a movie...'" This new version is a Disney movie by comparison. They even have the indecency to have a somewhat happy ending (and that thing with the microwave is impossible, by the way). I'm waiting with bated breath for a remake of I Spit on Your Grave.

Choke (2008)
A faithful adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk's second-worst novel. I think you can do the math on that one.

Spaced: The Complete Series (1999)
Those who wonder where Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright get the inspiration for their movies need look no further than this show that Pegg wrote and Wright directed for the BBC. The zombies and action movie cliches are all here, and all brilliantly done, I might add.

The International (2009)
I'm sure this movie would have played better about 10 years ago, during the "swinging dick" years of international banking, but, during an age when the exact kind of debt financing portrayed in this movie has essentially destroyed the world economy, it comes off as kinda fanciful. It is a real hoot seeing the Guggenheim Museum get shot all to shit, though.

Frost/Nixon (2008)
Yet another movie about Richard Nixon by a filmmaker who hates Nixon. Good movie, but let the dead rest, will ya?

Donkey Punch (2008)
Yeah, I watched a movie called Donkey Punch that is actually about donkey punching. It's pretty much I Know What You Did Last Summer, but with more donkey punching and less Gorton's Fisherman.

And, after all that crap, the winner is:

Missing (1982)
Anyone considering traveling anywhere south of the Equator (or to the Middle East, for that matter) should probably watch this, because, despite what you might think, this shit actually does happen. It's based on a true story that was so controversal, the movie and the book on which it's based were pulled off the market for a number of years for legal reasons, and was banned in Chile, where the movie takes place. Nominated for four Oscars (with one win for Best Screenplay), it's one of the best movies to come out of the early '80s.

Check it out.

I Spoke Too Soon

2009-04-11T15:57:00.004-05:00

I might have spoken too soon when I made mention of Brian Austin Green getting killed off of Terminator, because I'll be damned if he wasn't right back on the show in last night's season finale.

And how do you bring back a character who's been killed off in the present? Why, you go back to the future, where he's still alive. Of course, this brings up the whole time-travel paradox thing, like how can a character that's been killed off in the past be alive in the future. And they hit us with both barrels with this one, because Kyle Reese is alive in the future, even though he died in the first Terminator movie, as well as Cameron, who died in that same episode. And yet, John Connor, who leads the humans in the war against the Terminators, is NOT in the future.

At least the writers have six months to dig themselves out of this hole. I can't wait.

Really? People Paid To See This Again??

2009-04-06T16:11:00.004-05:00

Because I've come to accept that fact that people are generally stupid and utterly predictable in their behavior, it comes as no surprise that Fast & Furious, the third sequel in the Fast and Furious tetralogy, was the big winner at this weekend's box office, raking in a ridiculous $72 million.

It's not surprising that a movie that is basically the same movie as THE Fast and THE Furious (see what they did there, taking out the "the"s?), with the same stars and the same plot, is on pace to make over $100 million in a week. I mean, people paid a $1 billion to see the same Shrek movie three times. And even more to see the same Pirates of the Caribbean movie as many times. (The only Pirates movie I've seen a substantial part of is number 3, and it was as though the director had taken a class from Michael Bay on how to make an incoherent movie, and took that lesson and multiplied everything by 100.) They're not even attempting to be creative.

But filmmaking is not about artistic integrity; it's about making money. The first movie made money. Vin Diesel, who pretends to have some artistic sensibility, bailed out after that. Paul Walker made it through 2 Fast 2 Furious (see what they did there, replacing the "the"s with "2"s? Because it's the second one? Get it?) before he bailed, leaving the kid from Sling Blade all alone for the third one, which barely managed to make any money.

So, how do you revitalize a dying franchise? Bring back all the stars from the first one and make that again, of course. It just goes more towards proving my theory that if you made a movie of George Clooney and Brad Pitt taking a shit, people would pay to see it.

Oh, wait, they already did that; it was called Ocean's Thirteen.

Back To The Unemployment Line For This Playboy!

2009-04-03T16:06:00.000-05:00

A week that's already had one historic cancellation now gets another one: Brian Austin Green was rather ungraciously shown the door on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, with his character getting fatally shot in the head before the credits even rolled.

No touching farewell, no dying "Keep up the good fight," no hero's goodbye. Just BANG, there he's dead, off the show.

Not that this is anything new for Green. Since 90210 (the first one) went off the air, he's pretty much been a non-entity. So having a featured recurring role in a big-budget show for Fox is kinda a big deal for a guy like that. But, now he's off that show, too. I guess he'll just have to go back to literally and figuratively living off the tit of Megan Fox.

Which, all things considered, is really not a bad way to live.

Oldest TV Show In History Gets Canceled

2009-04-01T22:56:00.008-05:00

Television's oldest show, soap opera Guiding Light, which has existed since before the invention of television, has been canceled by CBS. It ends its 72-year run in September.

This is the latest casualty in an increasingly shaky soap opera field. Last year, Passions ended its nine-year run after a brief run as a DirecTV-only show. Days of Our Lives faced extinction after 43 years before receiving an 11th hour reprieve. Now a soap opera that got its start in radio has been shown the door. And I don't think it will be the last one.

I don't understand what people want from a soap opera. Producers give them the things they've come to expect from soap operas (adultery, villainy, children growing to adulthood in three years) and fans aren't happy. They give them unexpected things (demonic possessions, transsexual serial killers, witchcraft) and fans still aren't happy. Dark Shadows, the first soap to break the mold in soap opera strangeness, was wildly popular when it first debuted, even spawning two successful theatrical movies. But it only lasted for five years. And even more "normal" soaps have been shown the door over the years.

So, what is that that people want? Is it that, as the WW2 generation that is the prime fan base for soaps dies off, they're not being replaced by the Gen X demographic? Or is it that soaps are just so fucking boring? The only soap I've ever watched with any regularity is Days of Our Lives, and I can miss a year's worth of shows and still pick up the plot in one episode. The fact that you don't have to watch every episode is a death sentence for an episodic show.

And Guiding Light is no different. Watch it once a month, and you get the gist of what's going on. And apparently so many people do this that there's no reason for it to be on the air on a daily basis.

I guess Grandma will just have to find something else to watch. Or, based upon this cancellation, she already has.

Governor Doyle Sets A Price Point That Breaks The Camel's Back

2009-03-27T14:01:00.013-05:00

I'll admit it: I'm addicted to smoking. And, not only am I an addict, I actually enjoy it. I know it's harmful to my health, but so is jumping out of a plane, and people will do that with no second thoughts.

In terms of vices, there are some that are waaay more expensive. And, believe it or not, it's actually not that hard of a habit to break, if you put your mind to it. I myself have quit before, once for a number of years. But I've always started back up, because it's a relatively cheap way to get a decent legal buzz. With me, smoking has always been a case of "how much is too much," what's that magic number that would make me quit smoking.

Turns out...it's eight bucks.

On April 1, Wisconsin is raising the cigarette tax by a dollar, a year after previously raising it a dollar. The previous tax rate put Wisconsin right in the middle of the pack; the new tax of $2.50 a pack brings us up to third, right behind New York and New Jersey. Tack that on top on the fact that all of the cigarette manufacturers recently upped their prices, and the fact that our new President would like to raise the federal tax by a dollar, and the pleasure of smoking 20 cigarettes is going to cost you about eight bucks.

Now, I'm not dumb. I understand the concept of the "sin tax": taxing products that people can get addicted to as a deterrent. The high price is supposed to make you want to stop. And that's all fine and good. But have you ever known the government to do anything that was purely honorable, something from which they wouldn't benefit at all except for a good feeling. It's basically a clever, good-intentioned way for the state government to shore up any budget shortfalls on the backs of the state's smokers. I somehow suspect that if everyone in the state were to quit smoking, the governor wouldn't say, "Well, mission accomplished. We're now smoke-free!" I suspect he'd be saying something like, "Where the fuck did that $700 million we were robbing from smokers go?"

If that doesn't seem like a reasonable scenario, take the case of New Jersey. When they raised their tax to $2.58 a pack, people actually quit smoking and many small retailers stopped selling cigarettes altogether. Government officials were astounded by the fact that there was suddenly a $22 million hole in the budget. I'm sure they were shocked that their "cessation by taxation" program actually worked.

But here's the funny thing about state budgets: once they hit an amount, they never go lower than that. If your budget is $6 billion one year, it's not going to drop down to $4 billion the next. It's going to be at least $6 billion, probably more, because all the money in the budget is earmarked for something from the year before, and anything additional is tacked on to that. So where do they get that revenue that suddenly dries up when people stop smoking? Why, right out of the pockets of non-smokers. They find some other tax or fee to raise to make up the difference. John Q. Non-Smoker gets penalized for the state having tentpoled the budget on smokers.

So, all that being said, I think I'm going to quit, maybe permanently. I'm tired of making up all of the state's budget shortfalls. Let someone else do it for once.

Oh, wait: I'M that someone else. Oops.

I'd Be Yelling Too

2009-03-23T14:04:00.001-05:00

Lazar Hayward, making a mistake that not even a freshman would make, ends up costing Marquette its season.

And this is the guy who's going to carry the team next year?

Yikes.

Would The Real Ron Silver Please Rest In Peace?

2009-03-16T04:03:00.006-05:00

I really have nothing to say here about the passing of actor Ron Silver at age 62, other than to say that he regularly guested on one of my favorite TV shows, The West Wing, and starred in my favorite Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, Timecop, as well as my favorite Jeremy Irons movie, Reversal of Fortune.

Based on the numbers, I guess that would make him my favorite actor.

Marquette Gave It The Old College Try

2009-03-12T03:31:00.003-05:00

So, Marquette has been knocked out of the Big East tournament in a heartbreaking loss to Villanova, a game they should have won.

But that's how things have gone for Marquette recently, having lost five of their last six games. And the only reason they didn't have five straight losses is because of a token win against St. John's, which...well, everyone beats St. John's.

It was to be expected, though. As soon as Dominic James went down early in the Connecticut game and the team never recovered, I claimed Marquette would never win another game. I was wrong, but...well, everyone beats St. John's.

Now begins the rebuilding process. Marquette loses four starters to graduation, including star players James (whose NBA career may now be in jeopardy), Jarel McNeal, and Wesley Matthews. They still have Jimmy Butler and Lazar Hayward, but that's a lot of weight for two guys to carry. I don't know, maybe they'll surprise us, but I suspect we're looking at something akin to the Packers in the '80s. Buzz Williams has his work cut out for him.

Hopefully, Sunday will bring good news, and, not only will we get a good seed in the tournament, we'll have an easy bracket.

I doubt it, but a man's got to have something to hold onto.

They Actually Pulled It Off

2009-03-09T03:32:00.015-05:00

Almost a year ago to the day, I lamented the fact that a Watchmen movie appeared to be in production. (In fact, I've been lamenting the fact for years.) It's a movie that's been in some form of development for 20 years. Nearly every studio has put it into turnaround at least once. It's actually gone into production three times, only to fall apart twice. In fact, just two months ago, the movie was blocked from release due to a rights dispute between Warner Bros. and 20th Century Fox. But, finally, one of the most anticipated comic book properties in history has finally come out in movie form.

And, turns out, it's really good.

In deference to my review of The Dark Knight, I'm not going to say any more about the movie, other than it's a very well-made and faithful adaptation of Alan Moore's book of the same name (and I'll bet he might be kicking himself a little for signing over the rights).

One thing I will say, since I brought it up, is that if you're a huge fan of The Dark Knight, you will hate this movie (and are obviously a sufferer of mental illness). Conversely, if you hated The Dark Knight, you will tend to enjoy this movie. It's just how it seems to work out, and seems to be true with anyone I've spoke to about it.

Still, it's a great movie that should be seen be everyone; waaaaaaaay better than that Batman movie.

The '80s In The New Millennium

2009-03-05T22:35:00.010-06:00

Last week, in the "Last Five Movies" post, I made mention of the fact that Gary Swanson wore a Members Only jacket while protecting and serving in Vice Squad. Because I do stupid things like this, out of curiosity, I googled "Members Only," and found that this awful fashion statement is still in existence.

No shit; check it out.

I'm absolutely astounded that this horrible '80s eyesore has made a return. This is something that was so bad, that it seemed bad even in the '80s (even though I will admit to owning one, because, hey, that was the fashion). This is something that needed to die when the '80s died; it's so linked to the '80s that it needs to go into history right along with that decade.

And it's not like other '80s fashion staples, like Puma and Lacoste, that have made a resurgence. They existed long before the '80s (both companies are close to 100 years old) and much of their fashions (particularly Lacoste's) have remained unchanged. Even Swatch, a product of the '80s, has transcended its kitschy origins to become the largest watch company in the world.

But Members Only is not a company that has evolved with the times or has continued on with a classic style. Members Only was a product of the '80s that died in the '80s, and is now back with the same terrible styles that would get you laughed at had you worn them, say, well, right now.

But, I can't really blame people for thinking this is hip again, because we as a society are currently in some crazy infatuation with the '80s. Which astounds me, as the '80s are the only decade I've personally lived through that actually seemed terrible while I was living in it. Oh sure, there are decades which, in retrospect, seem pretty corny (like the '90s, for example). But the '80s were generally awful in real time.

And there were only a handful of worthwhile things to come out of the '80s. Like Randy Rhoads. And Blade Runner. And De La Soul's Three Feet High and Rising. And...well, that's about all, really. Most the rest was just garbage. Except for the heavy metal at the beginning of the decade and the hip-hop at the end, all the music was atrocious; disco, only worse. The movie studios, tired of the excesses of the primadonna directors of the '70s, who made some of the best movies in history, put out low-quality movies that would appeal to the lowest common denominator and make money. (In fact, one of my favorite genres, the Crappy Horror Movie, always a money-maker, became so oversaturated during the '80s that they stopped making them for about a decade.) And the great TV shows of the '80s were mostly carry-overs from the '70s.

And the fashion? Embarrassing. Yet people seem willing to embrace it like it didn't already suck once in their lifetimes. Just like all the other junk from the '80s.

I guess there could be worse things to wear than Members Only. I mean, they could start making women's jeans for men.

That would be pretty ridiculous, right?

Nice Timing, Guys

2009-03-01T12:06:00.007-06:00

Joyous news came earlier in the weak for exasperated gamers when Microsoft announced that it may have remedied the "Red Ring of Death," a critical Xbox 360 hardware failure that has caused Microsoft to issue millions of dollars worth of free repairs. A permanent solution to this problem, that is suspected to effect one in six consoles, would eliminate the thousands of repairs that Microsoft has had to issue under the warranty they extended just to cover this problem.

Well, that's great, guys, but couldn't you have figured out this problem before you sold millions of these things? Before I had to send in my own console to have this problem fixed?

Just an idea.

Last Five Movies

2009-02-26T12:02:00.009-06:00

When Time Ran Out (1980)
Mercifully, Paul Newman's second go-'round in an Irwin Allen Disaster Movie was his last movie of the '70s, a decade in which he starred almost exclusively in crap. And even though I'd seen this movie on TV before, this is the first time it's been on DVD. It's part of the "Paul Newman Film Series," Warner Brothers' shameless attempt to cash in on the death of Newman by rereleasing several of his out-of-print (and out-of-print for good reason) and forgotten movies. So, this is how we end up with an absolute dog like When Time Ran Out with a beautifully remastered print. And while this career nadir for Newman would signal a turnabout in his career, as he would be nominated thrice and actually win the Best Actor Oscar (ironically, a year after being given an honorary one) within the next six years, it would tragically be the end of William Holden's brilliant career, as he would literally drink himself to death a year later. (Yes, you too might've drank yourself to death if you had starred in it.) This one's for masochist completists only.

Now, back to the one-liners...

Pride and Glory (2008)
Remember about a year ago, there was a movie called We Own the Night? This is pretty much the same movie.

Quarantine (2008)
Imagine the high concept of "28 Days Later meets The Blair Witch Project," and you know exactly what to expect from this movie. Despite it's somewhat stupid concept, it's very well-made and might actually be considered "scary" from time to time. And the rumor that the ending is given away in the trailer and on the video box is 100%...well, see for yourself.

Friday the 13th (2009)
Basically, what you have here is a remake of the last 10 minutes of the original Friday the 13th and bits and pieces of Parts 2 and 3-D. This was quite obviously made by the same idiots that brought you the remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, because, if you were to interchange Jason and Leatherface, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two movies.

You're having a reeeeally shitty week when this is the tops:

Vice Squad (1982)
A quintessentially-shitty '80s Cop Movie that I've already seen a half dozen times, and would watch again before I watched any of the aforementioned pieces of garbage again. (Seriously.) I mean, what's not to like about Gary Swanson trying to act like a tough cop in his crimson Members Only jacket? Or Wings Hauser as a pimp named Ramrod, who wears cowboy shirts and likes to beat on whoors with wire hangers? If I'd never seen To Live and Die in L.A., I'd call this the Scummiest Cop Movie of All-Time.

Movies like this were the only good thing about the '80s; check it out.

Wot's New On The Tele

2009-02-24T12:01:00.011-06:00

Here's a brief rundown of what's new on TV for the Winter/Spring season. Some are new, some are returns, some are new to me only. Maybe you'll get some ideas for new stuff to watch, because maybe you, like me, stopped watching Eleventh Hour once the fat black guy joined the cast:

Dollhouse (Fox)
Despite all its negatives (like being incredibly obnoxious and reality TV-oriented), I will give Fox credit: when it comes to going out on a limb in terms of programming, no one takes more chances than Fox. Shows that wouldn't even make it to the pilot stage on other networks sometimes make it to full seasons on Fox. And, more oft than not, the shows turn out to be quite good. (Its sister station FX airs some of the best scripted programming on television.) But, that being said, Fox is a network that is just as focused on ratings as any other network. So, even though shows like Profit and Action! are original and groundbreaking programming, they get canceled in less than a year because they're ratings dogs. Hopefully, Fox will give Dollhouse (which is a slightly different take on the now-canceled My Own Worst Enemy) its due, because it's a pretty good show with lots of possibilities.

Damages (FX)
The problem with serialized TV is that, in between seasons, you tend to forget what happened the previous season. That's why I'm glad they include those "Previously on..." segments before every episode, or shows like this, that constantly refer to things in the past, would make no sense at all.

Flashpoint (CBS)
Hey! Another fucking Crime Show on CBS! Who saw that coming?

The Beast (A&E)
Pretty much a less-ludicrous version of Training Day, with a more ludicrous lead actor in Patrick Swayze. And even though Training Day was borderline idiotic, it sure beats the hell out of this.

Lie to Me (Fox)
If I didn't actually prefer Simon Baker's character on The Mentalist to Tim Roth's in this, I'd say Lie to Me was the better show. In fact, put Simon Baker in this premise and I think you've got a winner.

The F Word (BBC America)
By no means new, this is the first time that Gordon Ramsay's latest foray into (British) reality TV has aired in the Americas. A little Hell's Kitchen, a little Food Network, and subtle little political grandstanding make for the most entertaining cooking show on television. And I always appreciate the fact that the British versions of Ramsay's shows highlight his sense of humor, as opposed to the U.S. versions, which highlight his ability to scream. And, as long as we're overseas...

Mistresses (also BBC America)
The first season of a show that just began airing its second season in the U.K. I've only seen the one episode aired, so it's hard to make a call on how good it is. Maybe it'll turn out to be like Tell Me You Love Me, a show I started watching on a lark, but got hooked on as it depicted all my greatest relationship fears.

One can only hope, but at least I know it'll be better than Eleventh Hour turned out to be.

Post-Oscars Post

2009-02-22T20:05:00.031-06:00

Some random thoughts on the Oscars:

-Well, they usually make the hosts do some ridiculous opening musical number, despite the fact they can't sing. At least they were good enough to get a host who can sing. Too bad he wasn't funny.

-I told you Penelope Cruz would win. But she should've just given her whole acceptance speech in Spanish, because her tenuous grasp of the English language didn't make in any less unintelligible.

-And while I appreciate that they showed Vanessa Redgrave accepting her Oscar during the Best Supporting Actress montage, I was disappointed that they cut away before she went on her infamous tirade against the Jews that got her booed off stage.

-It was nice to see Tina Fey and Steve Martin make fun of Scientologists to an audience full of them. And again with The Reading of the Screenplays. That needs to go away.

-I liked that Jack Black said exactly what everyone thinks about the quality between Pixar and Dreamworks films. And while I didn't understand a single word the winner for Best Animated Short said, I do understand he put the Japanese language back a thousand years when he said "Domo arigoto, Mr. Roboto."

-Joaquin Phoenix is now officially a joke. And shame on the show's director for actually trying to carry on with the show when Ben Stiller's up on stage clowning around.

-Is it just me, or does Danny Boyle bear a striking resemblance to Morrissey?

-The shows' writers missed a better joke about James Franco kissing Sean Penn. And Janusz Kaminski telling this year's Cinematography winner to suck it was hilarious.

-Cuba Gooding Jr. presenting the Best Supporting Actor Oscar is the most work he's had since, well...the time he presented the Best Supporting Actress Oscar.

-While Man on Wire justifiably won, it would have been nice to see Werner Herzog's career be topped off with an Oscar. He's gone from a certified nut to one of our best documentarians.

-Will Smith was on the stage for about an hour. Are they that hard up for presenters?

-Jerry Lewis has been in the business for 60 years, and, ironically, he wins his first Academy Award for his work for the MDA. And he's starting to look a lot like Richard Nixon.

-WHAAAAAAATTT?!? No Bill Conti? The guy wrote "Gonna Fly Now," and he's not conducting the Oscar orchestra? Bullshit.

-I didn't think it was possible to fuck up the "In Memoriam" segment. I was wrong.

-I will say that Kate Winslet was a good win, but Meryl got robbed.

-Spicoli wins again, but could've done without all the grandstanding. "I'm King of the World!" What a homo Commie-loving son of a bitch.

-And, no real surprise, Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture. Even though he's been an unknown commodity up to this point, I suspect the Indian kid from Skins will be getting more work from now on.

Overall, a decent ceremony. I can see they're trying to keep the time down (by having presenters do several awards and cramming all the Best Song nominees together), but by playing to Hugh Jackman's strong points (ie, singing), they add a lot of bulk with unnecessary musical numbers. Maybe next year, they'll just go with someone funny instead of someone talented.

And add an hour's worth of jokes to the show.

Oh, btw, I'm saddened to see that they've remade The Taking of Pelham 123, one of the best Action Films of the '70s, and Fame, the first R-rated movie I saw in the theatre.

Hollywood is T-minus five years from being completely out of ideas; remakes of remakes are next.

LeBron Single-Handedly Destroys Bucks, And I'm The Only Family Member Not To See It

2009-02-21T20:06:00.005-06:00

As everyone in the Free World has probably already seen or heard, LeBron James went absolutely mental on the Milwaukee Bucks last night, dropping 55 points, including a three-minute stretch were he scored 16 straight points. He had 25 points in the third quarter alone, and made a career-high eight three-pointers. It was one point under his career high, a number he would have topped had he not missed a pair of free throws.

Now, the fact that I didn't get to see this incredible performance would not usually be a big deal, as I've missed a lot of incredible performances. I did see Reggie Miller score eight points in nine seconds in the "Choke Game" against the Knicks, but I've missed a lot more than I've seen.

But this one burns because The Girl got to see it. And not just on TV, but actually at the game. Sitting four rows off the floor. Probably the only person in the stadium cheering as LeBron tore the Bucks a new ass with three after three.

How's that for a poke in the eye?

Nine Inch Nails Calling It Quits

2009-02-18T07:31:00.008-06:00

A couple of years ago, I commented on the fact that I thought something was up with Trent Reznor. For a guy who would put out a record, go on tour, and then just go quiet for a long time, Trent seemed to be on track to win Overworked Artist of the Year. In '05, he put out With Teeth. He followed two years later with Year Zero. A year later came Ghosts I-IV. Two months later brought The Slip. Four albums in three years, all while touring almost non-stop. This seems like the guy on the verge of a burnout.

And, turns out, he is.

Earlier this week, Trent announced on the Nine Inch Nails website that he and his band will go out on tour with a reunited Jane's Addiction later in the year, and then NIN will "disappear for a while." Just like that.

See: I told you so. Hopefully, he'll come around these parts, because it'd be a shame to miss what might be Nine Inch Nails' last hurrah.

Oh, and in regards to Jane's Addiction: are they ever just going to be a band again? They break up, get back together, go on tour, break up, get back together, put out an album, go on tour, break up, get back together, etc, etc, etc. Really, as someone speaking directly to the band, just be a band. You keep getting back together, so whatever keeps breaking you up seems to be secondary to, in the least, making money. So, just consider Jane's Addiction purely a money-making venture, and you'll find it's much easier to stay together.

Your fans will thank you for it.

The Simpons, Finally In Glorious 720p

2009-02-16T07:24:00.003-06:00

If you missed it, last night's episode of The Simpsons was the first to be broadcast in 720p high-definition.

And it was kinda hard not to notice. Other than the fact the show was in widescreen 16:9, they actually altered the show to reflect that there's now a third more screen to work with. The intro animation has been changed, with the gags stretching all the way to the edges of the screen. The episode itself had odd framing and dynamic action scenes that wouldn't have fit in a 4:3 frame. This is the way shows in all shows in HD should be: exploiting the extra frame space, not just filling it with more background.

But, that was just the first episode. We'll see if any others are as frame-fitting.

It's '80s Flashback Night

2009-02-16T03:58:00.019-06:00

Yeah, so, I went to a Mötley Crüe concert the other night just to go to a Mötley Crüe concert.

No punchline needed here; the jokes write themselves.

...Actually, on second thought, I do have some things to say about the show.

Being 35 years old, I'd like to think that I've changed over the years, that I've matured and adapted, in my appearance, my style, my likes and dislikes, to progress with the times. I'd like to think that most people have done the same. But, based upon the people I saw at the show, it's almost as though Doc Brown hooked the flux capacitor up to a jumbo jet and Back to the Future'd half the attendees of this show back from the Crüe's '80s heydays. Either that, or some of these people just got out of a "Do Not Open Until 2009" time capsule, and were oh so pleased to find that the Crüe is still touring.

On the other side of the spectrum, there were some shockingly young kids there as well, kids that weren't even born when Dr. Feelgood came out. I pointed out a group of kids to The Girl whose combined ages weren't greater than The Girl's and mine. I thought I felt old when I saw 12-year olds at a Nirvana concert back in '93; now I feel ancient.

And, despite the fact that I saw the show in my hometown, I only saw one person I went to high school with. But she actually works at the venue, so my chances of seeing her were roughly 100%.

As for the show itself, there were a ridiculous number of opening bands, three to be exact. The Last Vegas played for about five minutes; their set was about over before we even sat down. Theory of a Deadman was next, followed by Hinder. What I didn't get was that Theory of a Deadman, a good bad with three platinum records, is limited to a six-song set, while Hinder, which has the one record, with the one song, played for what seemed like an hour and a half. Back in '97, I saw Limp Bizkit open for Faith No More. I unceasingly screamed at them to get off the stage. (See, I'm a Limp hater from waaay back.) I've never wanted a band to get off the stage as badly, at least not until Hinder took the stage. When they came out, I was hoping they'd just play "Lips of an Angel" and get off the stage. But it was not to be. While it would have been futile to scream "YOU SUCK" over a stadium of screaming fans, if the band could have heard my comments exchanged with The Girl, they'd have run off the stage crying.

And then it was the Crüe's turn.

Believe it or not, the Crüe still puts on a good show, top-heavy with songs from Feelgood and older. And even though the boys are in their late-40s (except for Mick, who's nearly 60), they still played with all the energy of their younger days. Vince tended to get out of breath from running around stage and had to "yada yada" his way through parts of songs, much the way Elvis did in his later years, and Mick, who has a debilitating form of spinal arthritis, pretty much just stood in the same place on stage, but his hands are still good, so his guitar work was top-notch. Decent music, with tons of pyrotechnics and thousands of screaming fans; it was the '80s all over again.

Would I go to another Crüe concert? Probably not. Did I enjoy myself the one time I did go? Of course I did; it's Mötley Crüe, for Christ's sake!

What's not to like?

Four More Guys From This Picture Are Going To The Hall Of Fame

2009-02-14T02:56:00.014-06:00

Four more players from this picture have been nominated to join the six already in the Basketball Hall of Fame. The remaining three aren't already in because they're either a) not eligible until next year, or b) Christian Laettner.

My thoughts on this year's nominees:

Michael Jordan
Depending on your school of thought, probably the best basketball player ever. There's really no need to discuss him any further; he's one of the reasons basketball was invented. And while his bona fides are indisputable, he somewhat damaged his legacy by retiring twice and coming back both times, the second time to a different team in a different city, where he was merely an "All-Star." An absolute lock; anything less than 100% of the vote is an insult.

David Robinson
Excepting (unfortunately) Shaquille O'Neal, the dominant center during the '90s. He almost single-handedly drug the Spurs into the playoffs every year he played, and the one year he missed, the Spurs were so bad that they got the #1 pick and drafted Tim Duncan. Shoo-in.

John Stockton
While he is not the greatest all-around point guard in history, there was no one better at passing the ball. The only player in history to have 1000 assists more than once (something he did seven times). After he broke the career assist mark, he tacked on another 5000 just for the hell of it. In fact, if it weren't for Stockton, Karl Malone wouldn't go into the Hall next year. And pretty good defensive player to boot, with at least 700 more steals than Jordan, Payton, and Alvin Robertson. This guy's numbers automatically put him in the Hall.

Chris Mullin
The weakest of the four, Mullin was THE small forward in the late '80s/early '90s. A consistent top 10 scorer who would absolutely kill you from 3-point land. He was the man in Golden State's "Run TMC" days, but was shoved to the wayside once their offense was retooled for Sprewell and Webber. If anything, the fact that he went from one of the best players in the NBA to a third option in a year, a move from which he never recovered, hurts his chances in the Hall.

We'll find out in April who goes in.

Oh, and Jerry Sloan, Don Nelson, Bernard King, and D.J. are up for the Hall, too. But they're not in that picture, so who cares about them.

Meet Your New Sports Illustrated Cover Model

2009-02-10T06:33:00.004-06:00

Israeli model Bar Refaeli became Sports Illustrated's new Swimsuit issue cover model today. It's her first cover appearance.

For those of you not in "the know," Refaeli is the girl that Leonardo DiCaprio dumped Gisele for. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think Leo can upgrade to anything else. If he breaks up with Bar, he should expect a life of celibacy, because he's not going to do any better than that.

But Leo is apparently willing to go to the ends of the Earth to find beautiful women. Bar is from Israel, a country not necessarily known for its beauties. Maybe there's some island in the South Atlantic inhabited by nothing but beautiful Amazon women.

If there is, I'm sure Leo will find it. And the world will thank him.