Last Five Movies

The Amityville Horror (2005)
Well, when you have a horror movie produced by Michael Bay, it's going to suck (just as the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre sucked). And this movie, produced by Michael Bay, does indeed suck. Of course, the original version of The Amityville Horror sucked, so why should an inferior remake be any different? (Alias fans will be pleased to know that you nearly get to see Melissa George naked, but there's not much to recommend other than that.)

Meet the Fockers (2004)
As is the rule in Hollywood, whenever a movie makes money, there has to be a sequel. And since Meet the Parents made money, there has to be a sequel. And here it is. It's not really a movie, per se, as one expects a movie to have some sort of story or screenplay or some connective ideas. Fockers basically seems like they got the cast of Parents back together, added Hoffman and Streisand, and just filmed whatever happened. This is, historically, a bad way to make movies (witness Lethal Weapon 4, a movie that was made up as they went along), but (like Lethal Weapon 4) it produces some pretty funny results. And, much like with Anchorman, which is a terrible movie, but is funnier than fuck, it's sometimes funny to watch people waste a movie studio's money.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
Now here's a movie with a script, a very good script, well adapted from the popular series of childrens' books. The problem with this movie is that Jim Carrey doesn't appear to have read that script. He's just out there beboppin' and scattin' all over this bitch. Which is really too bad, because, when he's not in the movie, it's pretty enjoyable. But, he is the star, so he's in it a lot. When are people going to figure out the Carrey has become the Robin Williams of this generation: That his shit was funny 10 years ago, but 10 years of the same schtick ain't gettin' any funnier. Go watch Ace Ventura instead.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
Here's a literary adaptation to kill all adaptations. The Hitchhiker series of books has a huge fanbase, and I'm sure when Doug Adams died, fans exhumed his body so they could masturbate to him in person, instead of to his book jacket photo. That being said, I'm not sure the Hitchhiker movie will please them at all, as it seemed like a cluttered mess to me, someone who hasn't read the books. I didn't necessarily like it. (It's real purty to look at though). The one fan of the books that I spoke to didn't like it. Therefore, no one likes this movie. You won't either.

Well, seeing as I've shit on everything else, that would make the best movie I've seen recently:

Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974)
A really trippy movie, made during a particularly fucked up time in Sam Peckinpah's life. It's Sin City without all the noir elements.
A wealthy Mexican rancher is upset with Alfredo Garcia, as he has impregnated one of his young relations. "El Jefe" orders his lieutenants to "Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia!" for a million dollar bounty. Enter Bennie (Warren Oates), a down-on-his-luck piano player, who sees this bounty as a primo way to get out of Mexico. Plus, he knows the one thing that no one else knows: That Alfredo is already dead, and won't necessarily miss his head. So, Bennie and his girlfriend begin a cross-country trip to Alfredo's grave to procure the head (and the reward). And what a long, strange trip it is. Next to The Wild Bunch, this is Peckinpah's best. Check it out.