No End To The Annoyingness

The Girl loves cooking shows; if she had her way, I believe she would watch the Food Network 24 hours a day. As we share a television, I am, at times, forced to watch these shows. Most of the time, I have no problem with these shows. They are informative, feature good food, and the host has a good personality. However, there are exceptions. (For a HUGE fucking exception, click here.)

One of those exceptions (and probably the most annoying) is Rachael Ray, the host of at least three shows on the Food Network. "But, what's wrong with Rachael," you ask? She's "spunky", makes good food, and has posed in FHM. What could possibly be wrong with her? Oh, where do I fucking start...

First off: that mouth; it's like her head is hinged at her spine, and she talks by flopping her head up and down, like Terrance and Phillip from South Park. A person could go crazy looking at that mouth, and from listening to what comes out of it. Her speaking voice and manner of speaking are brain rattling. She's the only cooking host I can think of that actually makes up words. And not made up in a clever way words; made up in an oh-please-kill-me-now way words. And then (if her whole head thing wasn't enough), there's her personality. She must snort at least a half pound of blow before each show, because she's as flighty as hell. Slow it down, sister; you've got a WHOLE half hour, not just six minutes. She's so perky, I could choke her.

And then there's the format of her showcase show, 30 Minute Meals. Instead of just having all of the ingredients needed ready and waiting on the counter, she goes around her fake kitchen and gets everything from her fake cupboards/fridge all at once, so by the time she gets back to the counter to start cooking, she's carrying a huge pile of shit. I don't ever remember seeing Emeril carting around a wheelbarrow full of ingredients, but I'm an idiot. Maybe I miss that part on every other cooking show on television. As she prepares her food, rather than disposing of refuse under the counter, as everyone else does, she throws it in a big bowl right there on the counter. So, at the end of the show, there's the food, and there's the trash right next to it. Yummy. Where's my fork?

Now, as with most things that I hate, I figured that my dislike of Rachael was being perpetuated by some misinformation from the voices in my head, like when they tell me to hit pedestrians in the crosswalk, or punch children in the head. But, as it turns out, I am not alone. There are splinter cells of fringe lunatics like myself all over the internet who would rather gouge their eyes out then have to watch $40 A Day. Here's a small sampling:

Rachael Ray Sux
I Hate Rachael Ray
Rachael Ray Rules' Journal
Rachael Ray Drinking Game

And those are just the sites dedicated to hating Rachael; there are plenty of message boards out there that have some great things to say.

I know I shouldn't hate people I don't even know, but if I have to look at that Joker mouth one more time, I may very likely commit suicide. And if that's not a reason to hate someone, I don't know what is.