Sunday, December 18, 2005

The Demuttification of Dogs


If I asked you what kind of dog was pictured above, you'd probably say, "Some mutt you picked up from the side of the road for free." Ten years ago, the name and the price would have been correct. Today, it's called a Labradoodle, and they cost as much as a purebred dog.

But "hybrid" dogs like Labradoodles and Cockapoos have been around for years, and, while they're not recognized by any of the dog "governing bodies," they are pretty much considered purebred dogs.

The Girl and I were at the pet store the other day, and I noticed a disturbing trend: There are more and more of these hybrid dogs popping up. They had a dog called a Schnoodle, which was a Schnauzer with a Poodle's curly hair, and another called a Puggle, which was a Beagle with a smashed-in Pug face.

Now, if the world wasn't insane, these dogs would be called "mutts," and we would be picking them up at the Humane Society for $50. But, because we are all insane, these dogs have fancy names, breeding associations, and cost $500.

Have we reached a place in our history where dogs with mixed geneology are bred with similar dogs to come up with a pure(hy)bred dog? Will we reach a point where two different hybrids are crossed to produce Whatthefucks? And why is it that Poodles, one of the ugliest dogs ever, seem to be one of the components of most hybrids?

Every dog but one that I've owned has been a mutt. (The one exception was a Scottie, and I wish someone would have bred the barking gene out of him.) I didn't care that they weren't purebred, or that they didn't have some fancy name. I loved them because they were dogs. But, apparently, I was a pretty stupid kid. If I'd have been smarter, I would have sought out a similarly bred mate for the best "hybrid dog" I ever owned: a St. Bernard/Newfoundland cross. I could have called them Newfernards, and sold them for $1000 a pop, easy. I think that's a pretty fair price for the biggest fucking "mutt" I've ever seen.

7 comments:

Jesus Melendez said...

That scottie was a pain in the ass...he barked a lot too!

ZING!

I only wish he had a clever name, like "Scottie" or "Donal" or something. Anything is better than "Kansas City" or whatever your Mom called him.

Maybe it was "Nigger Faggot"? Is that right or is it hyphenized?!?

Jesus Melendez said...

For the record...my dog is Border Collie mixed with lazy.

He's awesome.

E said...

If I'm not mistaken (and I'll have to verify with the archives on this one), Matt Kitzmiller came up with the name "KC," as he was somehow with us when we bought that dog. Insane, I know, but I believe that's how it went down.

And I believe "Nigger-Faggot," which is hyphenated, BTW, is something my brother used to call US. He ain't right (and is apparently a racist, that asshole).

Jesus Melendez said...

Oh...I know/knew where "Nigger-Faggot" came from. What I find odd is the source...a pre-teen who wandered around in his underwear with half naked pictures of Jose Canseco, wrestlers and tractors in his room.

The kid ain't right...never will be.

Speaking of Kitzmiller, he is the same one who named his dog (remember the MONTH he had a dog?) Alex because everyone else in the family (excluding him) had an 'A' name.

E said...

As I said before, if I could have bred my St Bernard/Newfoundland mix with another one, I could be pulling down a shitload of money. At six feet (on his hind legs) and 200 pounds, I have never seen a bigger dog.

I think my brother may have been mildly retarded at one point (he seems to have grown out of that), and seems to have suffered from Tourette's.

As for Kitzmiller, I think he had some mommy issues.

Anonymous said...

Hey E! Get to work. Signed P & M

E said...

I'd love to. Where the fuck are all my employees?