Isn't This Bitch Dead Yet?

Most of the entertainment headlines today read "Lindsay Lohan, 20, Enters Rehab." I think the world in general would have been better off if they'd read "Lindsay Lohan, 20, Found Dead in Ditch."

Honestly, there is no celebrity on the planet more deserving of the sweet release of death than Lindsay. She contributes absolutely nothing to society, other than to shittily star in the occasional movie; she's had four hospital stays in the past year (as opposed to me, who has not had four hospital stays during Lindsay's lifetime); and she's apparently dating Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild guy, which is just the guy any young woman should be dating. And now she's in rehab.

That's a drag. The chances of her chasing 100 Valium with a bottle of Everclear just went down by half.