The Network Fall Schedules Are In

So, the Network Upfronts, where the networks announce their fall lineups, are over, and the bad news is in: Network programming still sucks.

In a move that is possibly one of the most predictable in the history of TV, ABC picked up Private Practice, the Kate Walsh spinoff of Grey's Anatomy. This surprised no one, as ABC had already aired the pilot episode the week before, cleverly disguised as an episode of Grey's. They also decided to go forward with that sitcom about the Geiko cavemen. (Worst...pickup...ever.)

They also announced that Lost will be on for another three seasons. But, while it's nice to see that ABC took my advice and will produce those three season as short, uninterrupted, mid-season replacements, how the hell are they going to crank out 48 more episodes of that show? I don't see how they can turn out one more to finish up the current season, much less another 48. (This is officially now The Show That Will Never End.)

NBC, in an attempt to firmly secure their position in fourth place, did nothing to improve their lineup. They did, however, figure out a way to circumvent the "hiatus season" that plagued Heroes this year by coming up with Heroes: Origins (or, America's Next Top Hero, as I like to call it), which will air during Heroes' six-week hiatus. (Nice strangling of the "golden egg" goose, btw.) And it's nice to see that Kim Raver is in another pilot, so the chances of her turning up as Audrey Raines on 24 are pretty slim (although I'd've said the same this year, but, I'll be damned if Audrey didn't return from the dead after The Nine got canceled).

They also figured out how to solve their Law and Order problem, by banishing the lowly Criminal Intent to sister network USA, and making them pick up the tab (welcome news to fans of the original Law and Order).

CBS, working the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" strategy, also did nothing to improve their lineup, but, well, when you're the landslide ratings winner, you don't need to do anything. (I was glad that King of Queens was finally shown the door after nine riotously unfunny seasons.) In fact, the only real move they made was to move Shark, the only show I've watched on CBS with any regularity since The Flash got canceled, to the No Man's Land that is Sunday nights at 9c. Bad timeslot, but it's up against, well...nothing. (I like those odds!)

The biggest loser at the upfronts was Fox, which canceled all but one of its freshmen shows. (That's some quality programming.) And that one show is 'Til Death, because they're going to make Brad Garrett's post-Raymond career work, goddamnit! They also chose to move Bones to Friday, The Death Night, despite its decent ratings. And they renewed 24 for two more seasons, which includes an apparent retooling of the show, which I'm sure will effectively kill it (ala Alias). The only positive thing to come out of it is that some of their new shows appear promising, but Fox has always shown what they think of promising shows.

Speaking of which, they did make the ballsiest pickup of the year by bringing back King of the Hill, a show that they've attempted to kill for years, for a twelfth season. (Then again, they did re-up American Dad, so it just goes to show they'll pick up anything animated.)

Actually, I prematurely granted Biggest Loser status. That would be The CW, which canceled Reba, 7th Heaven, Veronica Mars, and Gilmore Girls, the only reasons that anyone watches The CW. I believe that cuts them down to about six hours of programming a week.

(It's also worth noting that, of all the new shows that premiered in '06-'07 that I actually liked, only two (Heroes and Shark) got renewed. I'd say I have bad taste, but I think we know better than that.)

Check back in September; we'll see how the whole thing shakes out.