Idol Crowns Another Idle

Tonight, America crowned another idol, and it was...honestly, who cares. (It was Jordin, for those that care.) I haven't watched this show in four years, because it sucks. But, watching from the sidelines, I find it humorous. Not because the show is funny (which it isn't), but because the idiots that vote for who wins on the show almost always get it wrong.

Of the show's five previous winners, only two (Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood) have become "stars". That's 40%, an average will put you into Cooperstown, but a a bit of a failure when you're starmaking.

Season One, you had Kelly Clarkson, who's sold 15 million records. I'd call that a win.

Season Two, Ruben Studdard beat out Clay Aiken, but on the show only, as Clay has tripled Ruben's record sales. Oops. Loser.

I don't even know who won Season Three, but I do know that the seventh place finisher just won an Oscar for her role in a musical. Yes: An Oscar for singing. And I bet you remember William Hung, who didn't even make it past the tryouts, better than you remember who actually won.

Season Four: Carrie Underwood. One record, 6 million copies. 'Nuff said.

Season Five saw George Clooney's older brother beat out the cute bulimic chick. But they're both losers compared to fourth place finisher Chris Daughtry, whose record has sold more copies than those of the three that finished ahead of him combined.

And now, they've crowned another loser. We'll see how their career doesn't pan out.

The thing about this is that I'm sure the producers don't see those as "loses". I'm sure they spin it as, "Well, the person we crowned 'American Idol' hasn't sold a single record, because he/she is completely talentless, but, boy, that guy who finished 19th: 10 million records! Boo-yah!!" Anybody who sells a ton of records who was on that show for even a second is a win for them.

Basically, it all comes back to the viewers. You haven't put their money where your mouth is. Which, pretty much, makes you idiots.

On a side note, the ratings for the season finale of American Idol are being viewed as disappointing, as they were a 15% dropoff from last year's show. Maintaining 30 million viewers throughout a two hour show that is less entertaining than any given episode of The Gong Show, yeah, that's an absolute disaster.

The networks are idiots, too.

Ronnie Gardocki: My Hero

I've sung the praises of Ronnie Gardocki before, of how he, and not Vic Mackey, is The Man on The Shield. There has not been a better cop since Harry Callahan.

And he solidified my opinion of him on Tuesday's episode of The Shield, after being told by Shane of Vic's complicity in Terry Crowley's murder. When Ronnie confronted Vic about it, and Vic was absolutely speechless, what did Ronnie say? "I wish you'd been straight with me. I could have protected you better."

How cool is that?

If only we all had friends who would protect us from a murder rap. The world would be a better place.

The Network Fall Schedules Are In

So, the Network Upfronts, where the networks announce their fall lineups, are over, and the bad news is in: Network programming still sucks.

In a move that is possibly one of the most predictable in the history of TV, ABC picked up Private Practice, the Kate Walsh spinoff of Grey's Anatomy. This surprised no one, as ABC had already aired the pilot episode the week before, cleverly disguised as an episode of Grey's. They also decided to go forward with that sitcom about the Geiko cavemen. (Worst...pickup...ever.)

They also announced that Lost will be on for another three seasons. But, while it's nice to see that ABC took my advice and will produce those three season as short, uninterrupted, mid-season replacements, how the hell are they going to crank out 48 more episodes of that show? I don't see how they can turn out one more to finish up the current season, much less another 48. (This is officially now The Show That Will Never End.)

NBC, in an attempt to firmly secure their position in fourth place, did nothing to improve their lineup. They did, however, figure out a way to circumvent the "hiatus season" that plagued Heroes this year by coming up with Heroes: Origins (or, America's Next Top Hero, as I like to call it), which will air during Heroes' six-week hiatus. (Nice strangling of the "golden egg" goose, btw.) And it's nice to see that Kim Raver is in another pilot, so the chances of her turning up as Audrey Raines on 24 are pretty slim (although I'd've said the same this year, but, I'll be damned if Audrey didn't return from the dead after The Nine got canceled).

They also figured out how to solve their Law and Order problem, by banishing the lowly Criminal Intent to sister network USA, and making them pick up the tab (welcome news to fans of the original Law and Order).

CBS, working the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" strategy, also did nothing to improve their lineup, but, well, when you're the landslide ratings winner, you don't need to do anything. (I was glad that King of Queens was finally shown the door after nine riotously unfunny seasons.) In fact, the only real move they made was to move Shark, the only show I've watched on CBS with any regularity since The Flash got canceled, to the No Man's Land that is Sunday nights at 9c. Bad timeslot, but it's up against, well...nothing. (I like those odds!)

The biggest loser at the upfronts was Fox, which canceled all but one of its freshmen shows. (That's some quality programming.) And that one show is 'Til Death, because they're going to make Brad Garrett's post-Raymond career work, goddamnit! They also chose to move Bones to Friday, The Death Night, despite its decent ratings. And they renewed 24 for two more seasons, which includes an apparent retooling of the show, which I'm sure will effectively kill it (ala Alias). The only positive thing to come out of it is that some of their new shows appear promising, but Fox has always shown what they think of promising shows.

Speaking of which, they did make the ballsiest pickup of the year by bringing back King of the Hill, a show that they've attempted to kill for years, for a twelfth season. (Then again, they did re-up American Dad, so it just goes to show they'll pick up anything animated.)

Actually, I prematurely granted Biggest Loser status. That would be The CW, which canceled Reba, 7th Heaven, Veronica Mars, and Gilmore Girls, the only reasons that anyone watches The CW. I believe that cuts them down to about six hours of programming a week.

(It's also worth noting that, of all the new shows that premiered in '06-'07 that I actually liked, only two (Heroes and Shark) got renewed. I'd say I have bad taste, but I think we know better than that.)

Check back in September; we'll see how the whole thing shakes out.

Last Five Movies

Rabid Dogs (1974)
While not technically the last film directed by Mario Bava (that would be Beyond the Door 2), it did take nearly 25 years for it to see the light of day, due to the production going bankrupt and the negative going into hock. And now that it's been finished by his son Lamberto, I kinda wish he hadn't. It's more along the lines of something that lesser directors, like Lenzi or Fulci, would have directed; just not up to the standards of the Godfather of Italian Horror Movies.

Harsh Times (2005)
Yet another movie that I can understand why it sat on the shelf for so long. If seeing Christian Bale overact past the point of insanity is your idea of a good time, this is your movie. If not, don't bother.

The Ex (2007)
The second movie I've seen this year saved solely by the presence of Jason Bateman. I can only hope Scrubs is on for about another five years, because it will keep Zach Braff out of movies, where he clearly doesn't belong. It was nice to see Charles Grodin in a movie again, however.

The Entity (1981)
I didn't think there was enough material out there to make a two hour movie about ghost rape, but I've been proven wrong. And I wish that I'd been proven wrong that this movie was watchable. It's sad when the best part of the movie is Barbara Hershey's prosthetic nudity double. Classic stuff.

A terrible week for movies, but here it is:

28 Weeks Later... (2007)
This movie has two big problems: 1) It wasn't directed by Danny Boyle, and b) it wasn't written by Alex Garland. It was that duo that made the first film such an unexpected treat. This one was written by a slew of unknowns, and directed by a man who hasn't see a handheld jumpcut he didn't like. Still, it's entertaining, like when the US military firebombs London. And I found it humorous that the US military commander is played by a Brit (although I don't think anyone realizes that Idris Elba is actually British, so it doesn't matter). It's not as entertaining as the first one (and contains a particularly stupid role for Robert Carlyle), but it's still a virus-infected good time.

Check it out.

Eli Roth's Career Now Officially A Joke

Check out this clip (courtesy of G4) of Eli Roth at last week's Saturn Awards, and then come back.


Couple o' things:

When does making a movie entirely out of fake trailers (like those featured in Grindhouse) seem like a good idea? There's a half hour-long show on HDNet called Nothing But Trailers, that is...nothing but trailers: no commercials, no commentary, just trailers. A solid half hour block of trailers is about my tolerance level. And yet this idiot wants to make a 90 minute movie of fake trailers; wants to spend millions of dollars compiling a movie full of trailers (which most people hate) for movies that don't exist.

A better idea would be to make a compilation movie (ala Terror in the Aisles) of actual trailers from crappy grindhouse-era flicks. (Much like how Anchor Bay uses the original theatrical trailers for all of their "Coming Soon to DVD" featurettes.) But apparently Roth had such a good time making his Thanksgiving trailer for Grindhouse that he thinks a whole movie of the same might entertain others.

Which brings me to another point: When does it seem like a good idea to steal ideas from Quentin Tarantino? (While I can't confirm that the fake trailer idea in Grindhouse was his, it kinda has Tarantino written all over it.) How bad is your career when you steal ideas from one of the biggest plagiarist working today? Pretty bad, almost to the point where you should stop making movies, like, right now.

On a side note, the best thing about that clip is Greg Grunberg floating around in the background. You know it's a terrible interview when guys in the background are more interesting than the subject.

Terminator 4...Now With Less Arnold!

Some things just never die. And in the case of the Terminator franchise, they can't be destroyed either.

Earlier this week, it was announced that a production company named Halcyon was going forward with plans to produce a fourth Terminator movie. The catch? No Governator in this one.

In fact, none of the parties involved in the previous three films will be involved in this one. Not Schwartzengger, for obvious reasons; not James Cameron, who apparently doesn't make movies anymore; not Gale Anne Hurd, who's too busy with the Hulk remake to worry about this (Yes, that's right: The upcoming Incredible Hulk is not a continuation of Ang Lee's The Hulk); not even Mario Kassar and Andy Vajna, who loved the success they had with Terminator 2 so much that they independently financed the third movie.

And that's how this Halcyon Company ended up with the rights to the Terminator franchise: they bought them from Kassar and Vajna, who, I assume, are still hurting for money since they bankrupted Carolco. (And Basic Instinct 2 didn't exactly put them in the black.)

Of course, this may all change in time, and everyone may jump right on board. Except for Arnold, who will probably keep his post as Governor, rather than resign to play The Terminator again.

We shall see.

It's News To Me

I read on the front page of Yahoo! the other day that, after 25 years, British New Wave act New Order has decided to break up.

WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????!!!?!?!? New Order is still a band?!? The last thing I remember from them was "Bizarre Love Triangle," which came out when I was in middle school...and that was 20 years ago. Apparently, they've had some sort of secret existence since then, where only the "cool kids" who listened to them way back in the day are allowed to know they're still around. But now, the gig is up.

Learn something new everyday, I guess. Next, they're going to tell me Silverchair is still a band. That would be a laugh.

Pilot Season Starts Early

If you're a loyal watcher of Grey's Anatomy (as I tragically am), you may have noticed that the last episode was less about the shenanigans at Seattle Grace, and more about Addison's visit to a Los Angeles "wellness clinic." While it may seem like a bizarre one-off episode, there's a perfectly logical explanation.

It's a well-known fact that Kate Walsh, who plays Addison, is getting her own Grey's spinoff next year. And ABC, in its infinite wisdom, decided that they, rather than produce a separate pilot episode for that show, would just take their production budget for Grey's and use it to produce this pilot, and stick it right in the middle of a double-wide episode of Grey's.

It's actually a pretty brilliant idea, as Grey's has a built-in 20 million viewers who will watch every episode, regardless of its content, whereas this new show, well, might be watched by no one. (And, based on what I saw, I believe that might turn out to be true, because it was just not good.) So, 20 million people watched this "pilot," even if they did get duped into it, thinking it was just another episode of Grey's. It's an odd strategy, but goddamn if the numbers don't justify the means.

I did notice something odd about this pilot: almost the entire cast is made up of actors from recently canceled ABC shows. It's as though the producers went through all of ABC's open acting contracts, and said, "Well, we got Tim Daly and Taye Diggs and Francie from Alias still on the hook...look's like we got ourselves a cast!" (I fully expect to see guest appearances by Ericka Christensen and Jonathan Silverman if this show gets picked up.)

I'm sure when this show finally comes to be that it will suck. And be universally loved by Grey's fans.

Maybe.

Let The Summer Movie Pogrom Begin!

Friday marks the start of the Summer Movie Season, where the studios cram all of their movies that they think will make a ton of money. (It could more appropriately be called The Summer of Sequels, as the summer movie slate is composed almost entirely of sequels.) And while I understand why studios give this kind of release schedule to their blockbusters, I honestly think they could make more money by releasing them elsewhere in the year.

The poster child for this alternative release theory is Titanic, the highest-grossing movie of all time, pulling in $600 million in the U.S. alone. Titanic had an absolutely horrible release date, opening the week before Christmas, against Tomorrow Never Dies. (And Bond movies always make $100 million, regardless of their quality.) The weekend before Christmas always leads up to a short week, as movies the next week come out on Christmas Day, regardless of where it falls in the week. So, Titanic was basically set up to fail. But, it won the box office that first weekend, and proceeded to win every weekend until Summer Movie Season started.

Greatest movie ever? Hardly. (A two hour, godawful love story, followed by an hour-long sinking of the Titanic sounds like shit to me.) It won the box office every week because absolutely nothing opened against it. After 15 straight weeks at #1, the movie that knocked it from the top spot was Lost in Space. (Fucking Lost in Space. Talk about a pathetic year.) But, by that time, Titanic had already made $500 million, and nothing else came anywhere close. In fact, of the 70+ (!!) movies that came out during that time, only two made $100 million. Two. (A third, Good Will Hunting, was released before Titanic in limited release and went wide about a month later, and would go on to gross over $100 million.) As a comparison, in the following four months, more than 10 movies made over $100 million. But...that was Summer Movie Season, when all the money makers come out.

And that's how movies like Disturbia win the box office weeks in a row: there's nothing else worth watching opening against them. I enjoy watching movies in the theatre. I sometimes go to the movies just to go, if I can find something worth watching. I might go two, three times a weekend. Last weekend, I went to Hot Fuzz. Before that, Grindhouse on its opening day, 4/6. Before that, 300, a whole month going by. I'll watch anything, but I honestly don't see anything out there worth sitting through.

Yet the studios still insist on cramming all of their movies into the summer months, instead of spreading them out over the other nine. With all the shit that's come out so far this year, can you imagine how much money Spiderman 3 would have made had it come out last month? It'd be past $400 million and counting by now, instead of having basically two weeks to make all of its money before the Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean sequels cannibalize its box office. And this is the way things are done; makes perfect sense to me.

The only plus side to all this is that I can finally go back to the movies, as, well, it's when all the movies come out. I can't wait.

Law & Order Loses Another D.A.

Over its 17 year run, Law & Order has had three different actors play the New York City District Attorney: Steven Hill, who left the show after 10 years to pretty much retire from acting; Diane Wiest, who left the show to, I don't know, maybe win another Oscar; and current office holder Fred Thompson, who will more than likely leave the show to, of all things, run for President.

While this may seem like an big leap, to go from playing Arthur Branch on Law & Order to running for President, it's not much of a stretch for Thompson. When he first started on the show in 2002, he was the senior U.S. Senator from Tennessee (a post he held longer than his tenure on L&O). Actually, his political resume is more impressive than his acting resume, even though I don't think anyone remembers him being a former politician.

Not that Thompson will have to "resign" his fake office on Law & Order to run for a real one. Rumor has it that NBC is considering cancelling L&O, due to low ratings and high production costs, officially killing the 2nd longest-running show on TV.

Oh well. Good luck to Thompson on his Presidential bid, and may his legacy as one of NY's finest live on in syndication.

Things That Should Embarrass Me, Yet Don't

I've spent some space on this blog talking about guilty pleasures, things (like poorly-made foreign films with the words "Zombie" or "Cannibal" in the titles) which no one should like, but do. For some reason, this idea popped into my head the other day, and I got to thinking about things that I like, yet, based upon everything else I enjoy, should really dislike. Maybe it's due to some bad brain chemistry or really poor taste on my part, but there are some things I should be embarrassed to admit enjoying, but, well, life's too short to worry about how terrible my taste is.

That being said, my most embarrassing guilty pleasures:

-The entire filmography of Hugh Grant
So I like Hugh Grant. What're you gonna do about it?

-30 Seconds to Mars, A Beautiful Lie
The wussiest of Wuss Rock. The band's lead singer/songwriter is Jared Leto, for Christ's sake; don't get much wussier than that. Yet I find myself listening to this album over and over again, its catchy wussiness somehow mesmerizing me into repeat listening. The Girl even used to make fun of me for listening to this...until she began requesting that I dial it up on the iPod whilst we were in the car. I think I may have something with it being infectious...

-Grey's Anatomy
I've somehow managed to watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy. I really don't even enjoy the show that much, but, for some reason, I tune in every week. This one really may be attributable to mental illness.

-American Idol finalists
I have not watched an episode of American Idol in five years, right about the time The Girl decided the show wasn't worth dedicating 15 hours a week to watching it. (And do we really need Idol on a near-nightly basis? Remember what happened to Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? Yeah, me neither.) In fact, anyone who watches the show (or any reality TV, for that matter) should be forced to watch it, Clockwork Orange-style, in a never-ending loop for eternity. However, I do sure enjoy the hell out of the respective discographies of Kelly Clarkson and Chris Daughtry. Maybe my Hell punishment will be to listen to Clay Aiken and Justin Guarini records for the rest of time. That would be bad.

-Last Action Hero
For most people, watching a movie a dozen or so times is an honor they reserve for only their most favorite of films. The same is true for me. Yet, I have seen the complete trainwreck that is Last Action Hero at least that many times. And what is there to like about a movie with a horribly rewritten screenplay, full of awful one-liners; a movie with a grim and depressing second half; a movie that was grossly over-budget and grossly under-produced; a movie that saw its opening weekend gross get doubled (and keep getting doubled every subsequent weekend) by Jurassic Park, which opened the weekend before? Well, it entertains me (and possibly only me). That's what's to like about this disaster of a movie.

-And, of course, there's this.

Let the ridicule begin. But only if you don't have any glass houses for me to throw shit at.

I One-Up Tarantino

In my review of Death Proof, I claimed that there is a good movie to be made from the idea of a serial killer who murders his victims via vehicular homicide. And then, the other day, during a conversion with a friend about Jim Caviezel (yeah, I know: Who talks about him?), I realized that I had seen a better movie made from this idea.

Of course, I'm talking about Highwaymen, starring Caviezel, Rhona Mitra, Frankie Faison, and Colm Feore. Basically, it's the story of Caviezel, driving around the country in a beat-up Hemi 'Cuda, trailing serial killer Feore, who runs down his victims with an old-school El Dorado.

Now, I'm not accusing Tarantino of plagiarism (even if his entire career has been based on how creatively he can rip off other movies), but Highwaymen pretty much shares its plot with Death Proof. Not saying he's seen the movie, or that it's of enough pop-cultural significance to even cross his radar (the movie went direct to video, a year before Caviezel played Jesus), but, there you have it.

What's sad is that Tarantino tries to be brilliant, and come up with something clever, but, the fact is that Highwaymen, which is really not that good a movie, is approximately 10 million times better than Death Proof. It's better written, has a better developed plot, and has better action scenes (rather than just a single, 45 minute one). It's even a nice antithesis to Tarantino's penchant for stunt casting, by having the prolific and highly-recognizable Colm Feore (one of "Those Guys," who're literally in every movie, yet no one knows their names) as the killer; one starts to tire of the "clever" casting of Michael Parks after a while.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend running right out and renting Highwaymen (good luck finding it), because, well, other than getting to see Rhona Mitra topless, it's not that great. But...it's better than Death Proof. And that's all that counts.

Check it out.

The Best Fuzz Movie Ever

While there haven't been many movies with the word "fuzz" in the title, they've usually turned out to be a lousy lot. The only ones I can think of are an early starring role for Burt Reynolds and an American action vehicle for Terence Hill. And now, we have Hot Fuzz, the best movie ever made with "fuzz" in the title.

If you know anything about this movie, I won't bore you with the specifics. But, I will say this is probably the funniest movie you will see all year. And yes, it is dumb, in the tradition of the action movies it parodies. (There are some very gratuitous visual references to Bad Boys 2 and Point Break that are very well played.) It's also a showcase for long-forgotten British actors; I found myself saying, "So that's what happened to The Equalizer, and there's Belloq from Raiders of the Lost Ark." It's also more gory than one would expect from an action movie. But it's still hilarious.

It's only real weakness? It's about 20 minutes too long, as the protracted conclusion goes on forever. Other than that, another win for Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright.

On a tangential note, while I was looking up showtimes for Hot Fuzz, I noticed that some theatres are listing separate showtimes for the two movies that make up Grindhouse. Which I find to be somewhat unnecessary, since there's absolutely no reason to see Death Proof. In fact, if you're paying to just see Death Proof, well, you really are dumb enough to be robbed of seeing a double feature.

Good News For Virtuous Pagans

Every Pope wants to make their mark during their papacy. And Pope Benedict XVI has made his mark in a big way in just a short time.

Limbo is a concept that's been around for ages. It's typically been considered the place where unbaptized children go when they die. Infants are too young to commit sin, but have not been cleansed of original sin through baptism, and, therefore, aren't worthy of hanging with Jesus. But, rather than have them end up in Hell, the Catholics came up with Limbo, which has none of the punishments of Hell, but is away from God. It's a traditional Christian concept that has never been properly indoctrinated into Christian theology.

And appears it never will be. A treatise commissioned by the Pope has basically opened the way for the abolition of Limbo. While the Pope has not officially spoken on the matter, he often spoke on the subject back when he was Cardinal Ratzinger, and it's basically a matter of time before the Pope kiboshes the whole thing. So, welcome to Heaven, all you babies.

On a related note, this also allows a loophole into Heaven through which Homer, Virgil, and all the other residents of the First Ring of Hell can pass. Welcome to Christian Heaven, you glorious pagan bastards! It's been 2000 years, but you've earned it. And you didn't even have to believe in Jesus. Bravo!

The Fuck Is Wrong With This Girl?

For those of you who don't watch Heroes, Hayden Panettiere plays Claire, the indestructible cheerleader on the show. Until being on this show, she was a fairly unknown commodity, her only notable credit being (ironically) a cheerleader in Bring It On 2. She was a fresh face, the Next Hot, Young Thing, for those who had become disenchanted with previous incarnations like Lindsay and Britney. And, seeing as how the show is a hit, she's been getting a lot of exposure. The world was her oyster.

And then that picture came out last week of her licking another girl's tit. And now, this incredibly phallic picture of her licking the Stanley Cup.

You need only look at the career/life trajectory of the previous Next Hot, Young Things to see exactly where this is going. As soon as she's old enough to buy her own cigarettes, it's all over but the crying.

Oh well; she's not the first or last fish who's jumped into the fire.

Spree Killing At Its Finest

If you've been living off the planet for the past 12 hours, you might have missed the news that there was a shooting spree at Virginia Tech University that left 33 dead and another 26 injured. The shooting finally stopped when the gunman, trapped inside by police, killed himself. Even though the deathtoll may possibly rise, if those injured die later, it already stands as the worst shooting spree in U.S. history.

The only question I have about this whole thing (other than "How do you do all that with a couple of handguns?") is: How does a guy shoot two people, disappear for two hours, and then reappear elsewhere on campus to shoot nearly 60 more? It's not as though the guy shot the first two, and then took a leisurely drive to Roanoke to resume his spree; he shot the two, and then spent the next two hours going a couple hundred yards across campus (peep this map to get an idea of the distance), with police looking for him the whole time. (This impressive bit of policing reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Willy and Santa's Little Helper gets stuck in the ventilation duct, and when Chief Wiggum arrives to find his men shooting hoops, his response is, "That's some nice work, boys." Just about the same deal in here.) And what's up with notifying everyone of the first shooting via a school-wide e-mail? 'Cuz that's the best way to let everyone know a killer's on the loose.

All the fuckups aside, this incident does seem to bear some interesting poisonous fruit. Mark my words: When the '08 presidential candidates begin campaigning, the number one item on their agenda is going to be gun control reform, seeing as how the Brady Bill and the Assault Rifle Ban both went the way of the dodo before all of this happened. I think it will be an especially hot talking point in the state elections in Virginia, which has some seriously lax gun laws (no licensing, the ability to purchase multiple firearms, and a NICS-type background check).

We'll see how it all plays out in the coming days; we'll get firearms banned out of this country yet.

Feds Gone Wild!

I used to think it was a pretty sweet deal to be Girls Gone Wild! creator Joe Francis: going to exotic spring break locations and filming 1000s of female co-eds flashing whathaveyou, and then selling said films for hundreds of millions of dollars. This guy has figured out the cushiest way to make money.

But he's fallen into some troubles in the past few years. In addition to some minor assorted maladies, he was just forced to settle a multi-million child pornography judgment in Florida, he's currently in jail on a contempt charge stemming from that same case, and he's still under indictment in California on a whole list of charges that could land him 40 years in prison. (And he's been romantically linked to Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.) Life can't get much shittier.

And then the Feds busted him for about $40 million in income tax evasion.

If this is the good life, I'll take a pass, thank you.

Finally...

A while back, I lamented the fact that the second season of Twin Peaks, one of the more addictive shows of the past 20 years, was caught up in copyright Hell, and was not coming out on video anytime soon.

Turns out, I spoke about four months too soon, because now it's on video. And I couldn't be happier. Now, I can finally, again, watch those 22 incredibly disappointing episodes where ABC wrecked the series by revealing the killer seven episodes into the season.

Way to make us sit through 2/3s of a season of anticlimax, you silly motherfuckers! I can't wait to pick it up.

Kurt Vonnegut Has Joined The Choir Invisible

When someone's around for a long time, you kinda take for granted that, some day, they won't be there anymore.

And that's the stance I had taken with Kurt Vonnegut. I'd read all of his books, and kinda forgot about him, as he's not really a prolific writer. (He hasn't written a novel in about 10 years.)

And then, he died, from complications from an accident earlier in the year. It's a bit of a bummer, since his hometown of Indianapolis just declared 2007 "the Year of Vonnegut." (Some year.)

I'm sure he's in Heaven right now, living out the plot of God Bless You, Dr. Kervorkian, interviewing various dead celebrities. Might be time to bust out the Complete Works of Vonnegut again.

The Best Of Times, The Worst Of Times

Saw Grindhouse the other day. Thought I'd talk about the two films that make up this odd double bill before talking about the thing as a whole.

Up first is Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror, a whale of a Zombie cum Disaster Movie. What it lacks in story (which is grade-z all the way), it makes up for with exploding everything. (Speaking of explosions, it's good to see that Rodriguez adheres to the theory put forth in Contamination: that the human body is merely an exploding bag of blood.) And the cast of mostly late '80s/early '90s character actors (who knew Jeff Fahey was still in the business?) appear to be having a good time. Movie even has the common decency to be funny, and has a spot-on Carpenter-esque music score. It's a dumb, yet highly-entertaining good time.

And then we come to Death Proof.

I'll start out by saying that, while I'm not as obsessive about his stuff as some fans, I consider myself a Quentin Tarantino fan, and have seen all of his movies (Reservoir Dogs included) in the theatre. That being said, it's been 10 years since he's committed anything watchable to film. And Death Proof is no exception.

The idea of a psychotic stuntman who commits vehicular homicide is actually a pretty good premise. I could see how you could make an entertaining 90 minute feature out of that. But Tarantino goes another direction. Kurt Russell, who plays the aforementioned stuntman, has possibly 15 minutes of screentime, tops.

The rest has been filled with scene after scene after scene after scene after scene (and onto infinity) of inanely witty dialogue. (Actually, saying "scene after scene" is a bit of a misnomer, because it's actually just a couple of scenes that go on for about half an hour apiece. Someone I saw the movie with thought maybe they'd forgotten to edit the movie. I wondered if they'd slowed the projector down to four frames per second.) And the dialogue can only be called witty if you think the stuff written in bathroom stalls is a little too highbrow. It's hard to believe this dialogue was written by the same guy that wrote Pulp Fiction. (Maybe Roger Avery is a better writer than previously thought.))

The awful writing isn't the film's only flaw. It's full of material "sourced" from other movies (even his own); it's got more stolen material than a Carlos Mencia standup routine. (But that's Tarantino's trademark: being a clever plagiarist.) And, much like I didn't realize that I could be bored by a lightsaber fight until I saw Revenge of the Sith, I didn't realize a could be bored by a car chase until I saw this movie. And that's not a good thing for a pseudo-Car Chase Movie.

I hate to say, "I told you so," but I did kinda predict that Death Proof would be unwatchable. And it pays off in full. Really, a completely awful movie; the worst I've seen this year.

And now, the thing as a whole.

The idea behind this whole venture was to replicate the "grindhouse" experience: two low-budget, grade-z exploitation movies shown as a double bill. And while Planet Terror and Death Proof get the tone and material right, they are big budget movies with high-priced stars. There's something false about trying to pass off these extremely costly and well-produced movies (particularly Planet Terror) as cheapo exploitation movies. It's like comparing Saving Private Ryan to that war movie you and your buddies made in the backyard with a video camera: same material, $50 million difference in budget.

The films incorporate little tricks to make these silk purses appear to be sows' ears. The clicks and pops on the soundtrack, the excessive film grain, the overexposed and skipped film frames (a trick Rodriguez uses with some artistic flair) are all clever ideas, but they kinda disappear after a while. And the "missing reel" gag gets old after approximately one use. (Again, a trick well utilized by Rodriguez, who segues from a sex scene to the beginning of the Apocalypse. Oh, and doggie style is an impossible position with a peg leg like that.) It's a nice try, but the movies are more blockbuster than bargain basement. (To see a recent movie that does it right, check out Jim Van Bebber's Deadbeat at Dawn.)

It's not all a waste, however. I liked the retro film snippets that connect the films, and some of the fake trailers have a nice period feel. (As someone who's seen a lot of trailers for these kinds of movies, I think Edgar Wright's trailer for Don't! just about nails it.)

All in all, I'd call it a failed experiment: the parts are mostly better than the whole. (It also doesn't help that the better of the two movies comes first.) Maybe if Tarantino had made a movie that wasn't a complete piece of shit, this would have worked out better. In fact, it can work out better for you. And here's how you do it: Find a theater that's playing both Grindhouse and The Host, the Korean monster movie. Go to a Grindhouse showing that starts about two hours before a Host showing, and watch it all the way through Planet Terror and the trailers in the middle. And then leave, and go see The Host. What you'll end up with is a great Monster Movie double feature in the same amount of time.

And you won't have missed a thing by walking out of Grindhouse. Trust me on that one.