Video Pick of the Week (and A Personal Attack on Its Director)

This week's Video Pick is M. Night Shyamalan's The Village, not because I think you should see it, but because it's the worst movie ever made by a genius. "But," you say, "that movie blew dog dick. So, how is this guy a genius?" You're right: it did. But, that doesn't hide the fact that M (as I'll refer to him, so I don't have to type that last name) is one of the best directors working. He quite possibly is the Next Spielberg. He has the ability to do what no other director in Hollywood can do, which is create atmosphere out of nothing. He doesn't need to resort to loud noises or weird lighting or gross out shit to create a sense of terror. This guy just knows how to shoot a scary movie. Then why is this movie so bad? Chiefly, because M is the shittiest screenwriter in the history of the world.

Ya see, because M wants to be one of these auteur geniuses, like Spielberg, he thinks he needs to write the screenplays, as well as direct the movie. But, while Spielberg may receive an SP credit, he doesn't actually come up with these ideas; he's merely rewriting earlier drafts of the script. M, however, comes up with these dogshit ideas all by hisself, and, unfortunately for us, he's really a terrible writer. "Well, what about The Sixth Sense? That was really good, and he wrote that." You're right, it was really good, and he did write it. But I'll explain it away with a saying I use to describe athletes having career years: anyone can put up MVP numbers; it doesn't mean they're any good or will ever do it again. The Sixth Sense was M's MVP year; kinda hard to top those numbers. Anyone can come up with one good idea, and that was his. Everything else he's written is toilet paper (BTW, Tarantino is slowly getting to be this way. But, seriously, how do you top Pulp Fiction? IT'S PULP FICTION, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!).

So, M, please, spare the world: stop writing. Go get yourself Robert Towne or Scott Frank or, hell, Carrie Fisher, but, please, I beg you: find someone else to do your writing. You're a great director, but your scripts have only gotten worse as they go (I believe I've called every one of them since Sixth Sense Worst...Screenplay...Ever, and that's really a feat, to be able to top the worst ever every time out the gate). I can't imagine what the next monstrosity you write will be like. Jesus, save us now.