"I'm Eating What Now?"

Not sure about your house, but Saturday at my house is Cooking Show Day. From 1000 to 1500 (or 3:00pm for those of you who can't tell metric time), we watch nothing but cooking shows on PBS. Actually, The Girl watches them, and I usually fall asleep. Her favorite cooking show host is Jacques Pepin, the world-renowned French chef, who was once the personal chef of Charles de Gaulle. She has watched the complete series of Julia and Jacques Cooking At Home a half dozen times. And his Word is Bond with The Girl: if he says it's good, it is (I am a classic picky eater, and even I think his food looks good). I've always marveled at how the man cooks everything in real time; nothing is preprepared or precooked, so he's working on four or five dishes simultaneously. Needless to say, motherfucker can cook.

It's rather ironic, then, that following Jacques is The Girl's (and my) least favorite cooking show of All Time: The Kitchen Sessions With Charlie Trotter (I still can't believe PBS replaced Barbecue U. with this shitbag). Charlie Trotter is the owner and head chef of Charlie Trotter's, the Chicago eatery. Now, I'm picky when it comes to food, but I'm not a food snob. I will eat almost anything if hungry enough (I will take time here to say that I hate almost all restaurants that serve continental/American food, due to the fact that they all have exactly the same menus, right down to the words "Southwestern" and "chipotle", of bland, shitty food. I believe the US is second only to the UK in shitty domestic food). However, most of the shit that this seriously pompous asshole cooks on his show doesn't appear to be suitable for animal consumption, much less something I would voluntarily put in my mouth. Even the ingredients sound bad: today's offering was something that featured chicken and beets.

Now, I could just get on this guy for making bad food, and let it go, but he won't let me. Instead of just saying how a dish has great flavor, or how rosemary adds something to the taste of chicken, he has to go on and on and on about the essence of this and the palette of that, and all kinds of pretentious bullshit. Seriously, after this guy tapes a show, he probably runs to the bathroom to knock one off, cuz when you love to hear yourself talk like that, you know he gotta get his NUT ON!!! But, he can't let it go at that, either. Once the dish is cooked, he has to "plate" it in that avant-garde way that only people with too much money seem to appreciate.

"What's money got to do with anything?" Get to that in a sec. Here's a sample copy of the menu from Charlie Trotter's, which changes daily:

Eel Terrine with Green Tea Soba

Hearts of Palm with Cucumber - Cilantro Relish

Japanese Hamachi with Hijiki Puree

South African Langoustine with Marine Cider Vinaigrette

Heirloom Beets with Aged Sherry Vinegar Sorbet

Diver Scallop with Soup of Sunflower Root

Butternut Squash with Cashew Cheese

Rouget with Silken Tofu & Celery Root

Rabbit Loin with Chinese Eggplant & Parsnip Puree

Squab with White Corn Grits & Roasted Asian Pear

Angus Strip Loin with Black Truffle & Brussels Sprout Puree

Epoisses with Pumpkin Seeds & Rosemary

Thai Basil, Lemongrass & Coconut Sorbets

Raw Pecan Ice Cream with Persimmon & Star Thistle Honey

Milk Chocolate- Cardamom Tapioca with Expresso Syrup

Oaxacan Chocolate with Amaranth, Birch Syrup & Cactus

Mignardises

First off: Wha tha Fuuuu?!? What is any of this food? Is any of it actually food? Now, I may have grown up poor, white trash, but even I know that rabbit, eggplant, and parsnips should never be in any recipe together. Unfortunately, if you want haute cuisine, most places feature odd ingredient combinations that I'm sure taste very good, but don't sound very good (actually, I have eaten at one of Wolfgang Puck's restaurants, and I'd recommend it to anyone who asks). Not only are they odd food choices, but odd serving sizes: the above menu is a single meal of servings small enough to serve on playing cards. Oh, you get a shitload of food, about as much as the 20oz Porterhouse steak plate at the Sizzler, at a thousand times the price. Oh, yeah, the money thing again. The prix fixe cost of the above menu: $175. The feeling of hunger after paying $350 for dinner: priceless.

I guess this is why The Rich are my social betters. They can appreciate paying way too much for tiny portions of weird food. I'm sure there are people who wait hours in the lobby for this exact pleasure. Personally, I'll take the drive-thru at KFC anyday. Now, there's a food Americans haven't figured out how to fuck up. Give this Trotter asshole time, though; he's making leaps and bounds in the chicken preparation field (I should note the picture accompanying this story is of chicken; believe it...or not!!)