Random Oscar Thoughts

Since there were absolutely no surprises as to who won what, some random thoughts on the show:

--Chris Rock will not be back as host. Sure, he was funny, but that means nothing. He didn't kiss any of the stars' asses, and, in fact, made Sean Penn kinda angry. Plus, the little Bruce Valanchesque one-liners he read between awards were really terrible. The shit at the Magic Theatre was hilarious, though (and did Method Man and Albert Brooks just happen to be there, or was that a setup?)

--Why did Beyonce perform three of the five nominated Best Songs? I mean, she's not popular enough that she needs more exposure? I miss when the artists used to come on stage and sing their own songs (I will say the Counting Crows shouldn't have performed their song, or written it in the first place, for that matter). Like last year, when Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy came out dressed as Mitch & Mickey to perform "A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow". Great shit, but apparently, the Academy is going a different way on that now.

--Speaking of which, when did Carlos Santana lose the ability to play guitar? Guy used to be able to tear a guitar up. But, since he's come back into vogue in the last 3-4 years, his contribution to most songs is just those little guitars fillers that sound exactly the same in every song. I guess it's awesome when you're the punchline to a joke that everyone thinks is funnier than shit. And speaking of shit, what was up with that song? Was that the 2nd Worst Song Ever (that Counting Crows song is 1st), or was my reception just bad? And it won Best Song? Lower those standards!!

--What the fuck is wrong with Renee Zellweger's face? In the movies, she appears to be marginally attractive. But at the last three Oscars (at which she's been prominently featured), she's looked like she's recovering from a botched facial reconstruction surgery. I think there needs to be a special Oscar every year, given out to the makeup artists that make her look like a normal human in the movies, and not like the clonazoid replicant that she obviously is.

--Who knew that Jeremy Irons was funny (his performance in Die Hard With A Vengeance notwithstanding)?

--What's up with giving out awards in the aisles? That's gotta be some sort of fire code violation.

--It's a really bad idea to have two Hispanic women with marginal English skills speaking together, even if it looks really nice.

--When will the Oscar broadcast stop featuring an actor presenting an award with an animated character? I wish said actors a quick spontaneous death, so that they don't have to be as embarrassed for themselves as I am.

--As far as the actual awards went, everything that was supposed to win did. The one that will get in everyone's craw is Clint winning Best Director. Sure, Scorsese has had a great career that has been vastly overlooked by the Academy, and I'm sure The Aviator is beautifully directed, and he probably deserves an Oscar, but I'm glad Clint won. Clint is my nigga. Any aspirations I've ever had to be a filmmaker derive from this man's career. Wanna talk about overlooked? Clint made films for twenty years before he even got nominated. In fact, Clint would have six Oscars if the Academy hadn't given those pity Oscars to Peter Jackson after snubbing him for two straight years. Actually, now that I've got to raggin' on him, I feel bad for Marty. Maybe he does deserve those Oscars. Ya know what: Fuck my idol. Clint's already got two of them shits. Give Marty his birthright, dammit!!

All around, a pretty so-so Oscar night. At least they managed to keep it to three hours.