What A Difference 10 Years Makes

Remember 10 years ago? Yeah, me neither, but it's been about 10 years since the whole Britney/Christina thing started. And, based upon how it started out, who'da thunk it would've turned out like it did?

These two former Musketeers hit the music scene around the same time, with Britney first out of the gate. Even though Britney was only marginally talented, and could best be described as a "cracker," her handlers were smart enough to make her out as a virgin whore, everyone's underage fantasy. And it worked, with her debut album selling 14 million copies in the US alone.

Christina came next. Infinitely more talented than Britney, with a booming three+ octave vocal range, Christina didn't get the help from her people that Britney did. She was a pretty little semi-Hispanic girl with a voice that didn't match her body. But her album sold well, but little more than half of Britney's.

Britney wasted no time in trying to put her new rival out of business, cranking out two more records in as many years, one of which sold over a million copies its first week. Meet your new Queen of Pop.

Christina, on the other hand, was in a bit of a bind. While she was more talented than Britney, which obviously has nothing to do with selling records, she didn't have Britney's image or sex appeal, which does apparently sell records. Sure, some of her lyrics were mildly suggestive, but she had essentially been cast as a "good girl."

So, Christina did what any girl in her position would do, and transformed herself into, what appeared to be, an actual whore. She got some gigantic fake boobs, styled her hair into an assortment of fright wigs, applied her makeup in ways that would embarrass a clown, and was seldom seen in public in little more than a g-string and pasties. Her new image made Britney look like Mary Poppins.

But, it didn't work. Her second record didn't sell as well as her first, and paled in comparison to Britney's other records. (And I realize that Christina had two other records in there, but one was in Spanish and one was a Christmas record. Those don't even count.)

And this is where there's a break in the story. Based upon the trajectory it was following, one might expect that Britney career would just keep selling records, and that Christina would tend to follow her "whore" path and sleaze her way out of the business within two years.

But, oddly enough, it went the other way. Christina remade herself yet again in the image of Marilyn Monroe, released a Grammy-winning double album that sold pretty well, married a perfectly nice lawyer, and had a lovely baby.

Britney, however, went to shit. Shortly after the release of her third album, Spears got married twice in nine months (once less than three days) and divorced as many times within two years. She shit out two kids in less than 365 days. She made two trips to rehab. She went crazy and shaved her head. She committed more motor vehicle damage than the competitors in Death Race 2000. And, after a laughable appearance on the MTV Video Awards, she released an album that has sold approximately eight copies to date.

And now, Christina looks like this:


And Britney looks like this:
JESUS!!

It just goes to show you: you can't even count your chickens after they hatch. They might just turn out to be rabid badgers.