"I'm So Doped Up, I Don't Even Know What Team I'm On!"

Major League Baseball decided to punch the MLB Player's Association in the balls on Opening Day by touting the effectiveness of its new steroid policy. But, instead of busting out a big name like Bonds or Sosa or Giambi, the Commissioner's Office presented us with...Alex Sanchez. (I know you're probably asking, "Who the fuck is Alex Sanchez," as I'm sure the rest of baseball, and possibly Sanchez himself, is as well.) Sanchez vehemently denies these charges, saying, "I'm going to fight it, because I've never taken steroids or anything like that...I never take any steroids because I don't need them." Uh, sure.

Actually, I don't think that Sanchez did take any type of anabolic steroid or human growth hormone. But what I don't think he realizes that there are actually more than just steroids on the "steroid" list. Substances available over the counter, such as ephedra and diuretics, are considered performance enhancing drugs. And I think that's what this knucklehead doesn't realize: You don't have to take steroids to get suspended for taking steroids.

Sanchez has also been quoted as saying, "I take stuff I buy over the counter. Multivitamins, protein shakes, muscle relaxants. That kind of stuff." Well, when you were buying this "over the counter" stuff, did you bother to check if any of it contained any of the banned substances? You can buy ephedra at any drugstore without a prescription. Does that mean you can load up on it because it's not "steroids"? Of course you can't, ya dummy, cuz it's right there on the list next to anabolic steroids. I don't know if the urban myth that eating poppy seeds will cause you to test positive for opium is true, but wouldn't it be worth the trouble to find out if you knew it was something you'd get busted for? Maybe if you'd taken a little time to actually read the new drug policy, and see exactly what it was you were putting into your body, you'd still be playing. To quote Ron Burgundy: "That's Bush League." Which is probably where Mr. Sanchez will be spending the rest of his playing years.