Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Sith Happened

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Since I assume that everyone has seen this movie, I can speak about it without "ruining" it for some dork.

The initial buzz of Sith was that it was just great, like Empire great. And that's a tall order to live up to, since Empire is the best Star Wars movie. So, needless to say, I was pretty psyched to see it.

During the first minute or so, when the two ships are flying about, and they fly over the big spaceship, and then you see the massive space battle going on below, I thought, "Wow, here comes some SHIT!" And, two and a half hours later, I was still waiting for that shit to happen. The verdict: This movie may be in the same league with the first three movie, maybe even on the same team, but it's like comparing Scott Seabol to Albert Pujols. Big difference in quality.

The thing about the recent trilogy is that each one has something great about it, even if the movies aren't very good. Phantom Menace had the pod race, and the great lightsaber fight at the end. Clones had the droid factory, and the clone war. Sith, well, had some stuff.

Quite honestly, there wasn't anything of great interest in Sith. (About half way through, one of the guys I saw this with said, "I think it's about time for a montage." It coulda used it. Anything at that point.) The way the Emperor got Anakin to turn to the Dark Side was well written, and the space battle in the beginning was kinda cool, but, really, there's nothing to put this movie up with the first trilogy. The story is as typically shitty as anything I'd expect from Lucas, as was most of the dialogue. After about the fifth lightsaber fight, I kept hoping for the Jedi to die faster, so that I didn't have to see anymore lightsaber fights. The Emperor destroying the Senate chambers was really lame, and I'm really sick of seeing fucking Yoda fly around. The dude's 900 years old, for fuck's sake!! And all of the last minute exposition (C-3PO's memory loss, Obi-Wan's learning to communicate with the dead) all seemed a little rushed, just kinda thrown in there to keep geeks from going, "Well, in A New Hope, C-3PO blah blah blah."

Is Sith "Empire good"? No, not even close. It may not even be "Jedi good." And that's really not very good.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

This Shit Again

MU Voice, my ass
At the beginning of the month, I posted on Marquette's second nickname change in 10 years. Now, we're witnessing their second name change in a month.

Due to the outstanding negative response of every person on the planet to the fourth gayest nickname you could pick for a team (Flamin' Faggots and AssRammers are second and third; more on Number One later), Marquette has decided to open an "election" to have The People vote for Marquette's new nickname. As I mentioned before, this was done in '95, when absolutely nobody "voted" for the name to be changed to Golden Eagles. This time around, we're given 10 unwanted choices, instead of the two we were given last time. Four of the 10 are names Marquette has already gone by. The rest are total shit.

Conspicuously absent from a list filled with former Marquette nicknames is the name that everyone wants: Warriors. On the official nominee list, you'll notice that there's a provision for write-in votes. Underneath that, this disclaimer:

Any nicknames under review by the NCAA for their relationship to Native American imagery will not be counted. Examples of nicknames that will not be counted include Warriors (or any variation of the word, i.e., war)

So, no one will vote for anything then? (I suspect that "Warriors" will still get a ton of write-ins, maybe even the leading vote getter.)

This blatant disregard of what everyone wants is due to the machinations of Marquette president Fr. Robert Wild, who hates the name "Warriors," and, allegedly, threatened to resign if Marquette was renamed the Warriors. Well, good riddance, you pedophile. Let's give this motherfucker the kick in the ass out the door he needs, and vote the Warriors back in!

Since Marquette's official ballot is rigged so that only certain people can vote (and, apparently, I'm not one of those people, even though I attended the fucking school), vote on the poll to the right. Hopefully, our voting goes better than I suspect Marquette's will.

Oh, and the Number One Gayest Nickname in History? Number eight on the nominee list. If this wins, I will blow the school up. No shit

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sorry For The Lack Of Updates...

Fucking Embarrassing
But I recently listened to the new Limp Bizkit album once through, and it was so bad that I immediately went into a coma. I really didn't think that an album could suck so terribly that it would cause my body to shut down to recover from the experience, but, there you go. A terrible record; I'm embarrassed for everyone involved, and their families.

My heart, in particular, goes out to Wes Borland, who left the band, and then came back to make this record. He's a talented guitarist, and it's a shame that he came back to make this: An album that makes the collected songs of the cast of Star Trek seem like The White Album. It's the worst record that Rage Against The Machine never got a chance to make.

And speaking of Rage, the "new Rage" has put out two really fucking good records since that got rid of that commie that used to front the band. Why doesn't Limp Bizkit take a page from the Rage playbook, and unload their awful frontman in favor of one who can actually sing, and write listenable songs? Musically, Limp Bizkit is not a bad band. Listen to songs like "Nookie" and "My Generation"; there's some subtle and interesting music there. Pretty good stuff, until Fred Durst opens his mouth and sings whatever gay thing he thinks passes for lyrics. It's gay to the point of going so far past gay, that it comes all the way back around to hetro.

Seriously, lose this retard. I'm sure there's a sea lion or a candy wrapper or something out that has less songwriting inability than Fred Durst. Get rid of him, and get to making some real records.

Monday, May 16, 2005

House of Wax

Saw the new remake of House of Wax this weekend. Some random thoughts:

--It's good to finally see a good, old-fashioned R-rated horror movie again, instead of the PG-13 tweenybopper crap that passes for horror movies nowadays.

--This movie and Deliverance just prove my theory that hillbillies are not to be trusted. This is why, living in a hillbilly town as I do, I never leave the house.

--It never occurred to me that you could SuperGlue someone's lips together. Now I know.

--I also didn't realize that wax is strong enough to make buildings out of, yet weak enough to melt in fire. Who knew?

--For being a well-to-do, High Society-type person, Paris Hilton dies a particularly gruesome and prolonged death. One might expect her to die of something more along the lines of a broken finger nail.

--The 1953 version of House of Wax starred Vincent Price and Charles Bronson, and was the first movie shown in 3-D. The 2005 version of House of Wax stars Elisha Cuthbert and Paris Hilton, and is notable for no reason in particular (other than getting to see Elisha and Paris in their underwear).

One might expect the "House of Wax" genre to be limited to this movie and the original. But there's actually a plethora of "Wax" movies out there. This is not the best one, but not the worst, either. Watch it if you happen to find a ticket in the street.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Weezer Doesn't Disappoint...

...And I don't mean that in a good way.

A couple of weeks ago, I predicted that, based on the first single, the new Weezer album would suck. And now, having heard it once through, I consider myself to be the next Nostradamus, as the album does suck.

"Why does it suck," you ask? Because they've already made this album approximately four times. Every song sounds like another song they've already made. And they're not even good ripoffs. Just bad.

Save your money, and go buy the new Audioslave record when it comes out.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Last Five Movies

The Amityville Horror (2005)
Well, when you have a horror movie produced by Michael Bay, it's going to suck (just as the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre sucked). And this movie, produced by Michael Bay, does indeed suck. Of course, the original version of The Amityville Horror sucked, so why should an inferior remake be any different? (Alias fans will be pleased to know that you nearly get to see Melissa George naked, but there's not much to recommend other than that.)

Meet the Fockers (2004)
As is the rule in Hollywood, whenever a movie makes money, there has to be a sequel. And since Meet the Parents made money, there has to be a sequel. And here it is. It's not really a movie, per se, as one expects a movie to have some sort of story or screenplay or some connective ideas. Fockers basically seems like they got the cast of Parents back together, added Hoffman and Streisand, and just filmed whatever happened. This is, historically, a bad way to make movies (witness Lethal Weapon 4, a movie that was made up as they went along), but (like Lethal Weapon 4) it produces some pretty funny results. And, much like with Anchorman, which is a terrible movie, but is funnier than fuck, it's sometimes funny to watch people waste a movie studio's money.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
Now here's a movie with a script, a very good script, well adapted from the popular series of childrens' books. The problem with this movie is that Jim Carrey doesn't appear to have read that script. He's just out there beboppin' and scattin' all over this bitch. Which is really too bad, because, when he's not in the movie, it's pretty enjoyable. But, he is the star, so he's in it a lot. When are people going to figure out the Carrey has become the Robin Williams of this generation: That his shit was funny 10 years ago, but 10 years of the same schtick ain't gettin' any funnier. Go watch Ace Ventura instead.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
Here's a literary adaptation to kill all adaptations. The Hitchhiker series of books has a huge fanbase, and I'm sure when Doug Adams died, fans exhumed his body so they could masturbate to him in person, instead of to his book jacket photo. That being said, I'm not sure the Hitchhiker movie will please them at all, as it seemed like a cluttered mess to me, someone who hasn't read the books. I didn't necessarily like it. (It's real purty to look at though). The one fan of the books that I spoke to didn't like it. Therefore, no one likes this movie. You won't either.

Well, seeing as I've shit on everything else, that would make the best movie I've seen recently:

Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974)
A really trippy movie, made during a particularly fucked up time in Sam Peckinpah's life. It's Sin City without all the noir elements.
A wealthy Mexican rancher is upset with Alfredo Garcia, as he has impregnated one of his young relations. "El Jefe" orders his lieutenants to "Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia!" for a million dollar bounty. Enter Bennie (Warren Oates), a down-on-his-luck piano player, who sees this bounty as a primo way to get out of Mexico. Plus, he knows the one thing that no one else knows: That Alfredo is already dead, and won't necessarily miss his head. So, Bennie and his girlfriend begin a cross-country trip to Alfredo's grave to procure the head (and the reward). And what a long, strange trip it is. Next to The Wild Bunch, this is Peckinpah's best. Check it out.

Friday, May 06, 2005

I'm Soooo Embarrassed

When I attended Marquette University, our team logo was the Warrior. During my senior year (95-96), the powers-that-be decided that the Warrior logo was offensive to no one who actually paid money to attend the school, and, therefore, needed to be changed. Hell, that had only been the logo for 40+ years, and any alumnus who was contributing money to the school probably attended as a Warrior. But, fuck the students and alumni; who really gives a shit what you want anyway, right?

So, a vote was held to decide on a new name. Two choices were given (how these choices were picked or why "Warriors" wasn't one of the choices was never disclosed): The Golden Eagles or The Faggots. (I actually voted for Faggots, but the majority voted for the gayer name.) And so, based on the results of the "vote," in 1995, the Marquette Warriors were rechristened the Marquette Golden Eagles. And no one rejoiced.

Fast forward 10 years. Since the name change, there has been much lobbying to have the Warrior name returned. In 2004, two members of Marquette's Board of Trustees, which makes decisions like what the school's logo should be, volunteered to donate $2 million to the school to have the name changed back. While the school declined that offer, it did authorize the Board to look into a name change. And, yesterday, it happened: The long-awaited name change. Yes, my friends, I am proud to announce that, as of today, Marquette is now the Home of The Gold.

The Marquette fucking Gold. This is our return to glory? I am thoroughly fucking embarrassed.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Quiz Of The Day

Just because I'm in one of those moods, here's a pop quiz: What were the three miracles mentioned by Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction? Shiny star to the first correct response! (If you have to watch the movie to find out, you're really not as smart as you thought you were, are you?)

Fat AND Funny!!

Seeing as Rosie O'Donnell has recently moved her blog to her new website, I thought now was the perfect time to draw your attention to her har-har-harlarious Blogger blog, before it's shut down due to lack of interest. Enjoy! (Seriously, the novel my grampa's pet chimp wrote is more intelligible than anything on this blog. And that was a fucking chimp, for Christ's sake!!)

And speaking of fat people making me laugh, Andy Milonakis (the kid pictured above), who bears a strong resemblance to Rosie O'Donnell, is probably going to be the next Eminem. This one freestyle rap is funnier than than Rosie O'Donnell's entire career. Peep it:

Crispy New Freestyle (courtesy of GorillaMask)

Sunday, May 01, 2005

That Time Of Year Again...

Just like millions of Mexicans celebrating my birthday (and Liz Phair writing a song about it), it can't be wrong that my birth month is also Mustache May: The one month of the year in which you are allowed to grow a mustache without fear of retribution. For details on this annual month-long celebration, check out the "official" website. Remember: It's a celebration, not a contest.

(I should note that, even with Mustache May being my "special" month, I will not be participating in the festivities, as 1) I am physically unable to grow a mustache, and 2) in my book, mustache = homosexuality. More power to everyone else, though!)