What The Fuck Happened To Robert DeNiro?

This weekend, I watched the movie Heat again for about the millionth time. For those of you who have seen it, remember how cool Robert DeNiro was in that movie? Running down the street, carrying a dufflebag full of money, shooting at the cops with an AR-15? I'm sure this movie made people actually want to become bank robbers. That's how cool DeNiro is. And then, remember Ronin? Him hanging out the sunroof of a Mercedes, shooting a rocket launcher at the bad guys? How fucking awesome is that? And these were just cappers to one of the best careers in history.

And then something happened. And that something was Meet the Parents.

Suddenly, Bob is in all of these fucking comedies. And the movies that aren't comedies are still a joke. The great George Sanders killed himself shortly after making shit like Psychomania, yet Bob has managed to make it five years past playing Fearless Leader in Rocky and Bullwinkle. To quote Sam Jackson in Jackie Brown: "What happened to you, man? You used to be beautiful."

Bob: You have a career that most people only dream of. You're one of the most respected actors of your generation (if not ever). You have two Oscars, and like a million nominations. And yet, you feel the need to star in turds like Showtime. Your two Oscars exclude you from having to make movies like that. So what are you doing in them? Leave starring in 20 movies a year up to Jude Law. Don't take the first script that comes along every time, or else you'll have a career like Cuba Gooding, Jr's. (I'm sure there's a role for you in Boat Trip 2.)

Please, Bob, do it for your fans: Get in some better movies, or hang it up. It's getting embarrassing.