And the Nominees Are...

So, here's the Oscar thing again:

Performance by an actor in a leading role
With the exception of Brad Pitt, who really shouldn't be here, there's a lot of good guys in this category. But I think it's a foregone conclusion that Mickey Rourke will win this. It's nice to see perpetual "That Guy" Richard Jenkins get nominated, though.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
I'd love to see Robert Downey, Jr. win this, as that shit was hilarious, but this category is haunted by an extremely popular ghost.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
This is probably the one category that's a complete toss-up. If you look at all the other award shows and presentations up until now, I think every one of these actresses has won something for these roles. This one is going to come down to votes. There may even be a recount.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
For my money, it's between Penelope Cruz and Marisa Tomei, with the edge to Cruz because Tomei has already won once. That being said, neither will probably win.

Best animated feature film of the year
Wall-E makes the other two look like flip-book animation.

Achievement in costume design
Every year, there's that one movie that gets nominated for everything, even in categories that it doesn't deserve to, just because everyone seems to think it's the greatest movie ever. I'm surprised that Benjamin Button wasn't nominated for Best Foreign Film as well.

Achievement in sound editing and sound mixing
Two years ago, I postulated a conspiracy theory about the winners of these two categories which turned out to be true. I'd bet my money the same way this year.

Achievement in film editing
I don't understand why Dark Knight and Benjamin Button are nominated here, as both of those movies needed a reel or two edited out of them.

Achievement in makeup
I wouldn't be able to understand anything but Hellboy winning this.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
So...we're back to three songs again? Will there be a year when there's only two? Or maybe six?

Achievement in visual effects
Again with Benjamin Button. If that beats Iron Man, I'll break your TV (because why would I break mine?).

Adapted screenplay
If there was ever a category about which I could care less, this is it.

Original screenplay
Although it will most certainly lose, In Bruges was the best out of all those movies. In my mind, at least.

Achievement in directing
David Fincher. Not that he deserves it, but he's who will win it.

Best motion picture of the year
It will be Benjamin Button. It is not a good movie and doesn't merit an Oscar, but since Forrest Gump won an Oscar, and Benjamin Button is a less-clever version of that, it will win the Oscar. That, and because Oscar voters are typically stupid and vote for exactly what you would think they would vote for. And I think they're stupid enough to vote for this.

I'd also like to point out the complete drubbing of Clint Eastwood. One of the most respected and prolific directors, whose films have been nominated 19 times (including three Best Pictures) and won seven Oscars in the past five years, puts out two movies in '08 and gets a whopping three nominations. Gran Torino, the weaker of the two, is at least twice as good as Benjamin Button.

The Academy is nothing if not fickle. At least they had the common sense to only give The Dark Knight seven nominations.

The Obligatory Post-Oscar Post

A few comments on tonight's Oscars:

-The hilarity started before the ceremony even began, when Regis Philbin replaced the "J" in Javier Bardem's name with an "X". That's right: Xavier Bardem. Classy!

-Tommy Lee Jones was not amused by anything Jon Stewart said.

-Wesley Snipes and Spike Lee get stuck in a corner. And I wonder why they say Hollywood is racist.

-"Gaydolph Titler": comedy gold. Thank Christ the writers are back.

-I liked the clip where Catherine Zeta-Jones dedicates her Oscar to husband Michael Douglas, perhaps not realizing that he already had two. She was only 19 when he won his last one.

-I'd rather stick a shotgun in my mouth than have to suffer the indignity bestowed upon Amy Adams in performing that song. Now she knows how Rob Lowe felt when he sang with Snow White.

-Tilda Swinton seemed as surprised as the rest of us were that she won Best Supporting Actress. But don't say I didn't tell you.

-"The Fascination of Jessie James by the Coward Robert Ford." Jennifer Hudson's grasp of the English language is outstanding.

-The Academy did the right thing, and refused to give Norbit an Oscar, regardless of how great Rick Baker's work is.

-Again, with the fucking animated Oscar presenters. At least Jerry Seinfeld was the only one that got to be embarrassed this time.

-Jerry O'Connell, a 20-time nominee in Best Sound, gets shut out for the 20th time. "Oh well, maybe next year": how many times do ya think he's heard that?

-I still haven't decided whether Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill deliberately tried to look like the Coens or not.

-The slippery spot stage left nearly takes out three people, including one after Colin Farrell pointed it out.

-Penelope Cruz doesn't even get to sit in the same area code as Javier Bardem, even though they're boyfriend/girlfriend. Mickey Rooney had better seats.

-Apparently, no one wanted to hear what Marketa Irglova had to say...until Stewart pulled her back on stage and let her speak. A genuinely nice moment. And I like it when the oddball song wins the Oscar. Fuck you, Enchanted!

-Nicole Kidman was wearing about a dozen too many diamonds, which is nothing, considering she was wearing about two gross.

-The "In Memoriam" part is always enlightening. Roscoe Lee Browne, Deborah Kerr, Lazlo Kovacs: when'd they all die? And who knew Kitty Carlisle was still alive? And it was nice of them to sneak Heath Ledger in there. I didn't even know Lois Maxwell, who starred in more James Bond movies than Ledger starred in movies altogether, had died, yet there's that fucker Ledger upstaging everyone again.

-I realize Harrison Ford is, like, 64 years old, but he acted like he was, like, 80.

-Name one other stripper to win an Oscar.

-Marion Cotillard winning was a legitimate shocker.

-No Country for Old Men walks away with almost everything. No surprise; it was the best movie last year. They finally got one right, for once. Bravo, Oscar! I did find it odd that the two Scott Rudin-produced movies nominated for Best Picture (No Country and There Will Be Blood) were made by a studio (Paramount Vantage) other than the one he's run for the past three years (Miramax). I'm sure The Walt Disney Company really appreciated him giving a shoutout to a rival studio.

A decent, if not predictable, show. We'll try again in 365 days.

The Oscar Noms

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Hmmm...no Denzel or Russell. I guess that completes the shutting out of American Gangster, which apparently wasn't as good as I thought it was. Props, however, to the Academy for nominating a guy who gets in a nude knife fight in his role. Nice.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Why are there even nominees that aren't Javier Bardem?

Performance by an actress in a leading role
I'd love to say that Ellen Page is a lock for this, but...I haven't seen the other movies. Would have been nice to see Jodie Foster here as well.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Tilda Swinton should win this. That being said, Cate Blanchett will win, as she's the only thing anyone ever talks about in that Bob Dylan movie.

Best documentary feature
Please, Jesus, please don't let Michael Moore win another one of these.

Achievement in film editing
I would be surprised if No Country for Old Men won this, as they apparently edited the last reel right out of the film.

Achievement in makeup
Rick Baker wins this almost every time he's nominated (6 for 10), but I suspect he won't win this year, because that would mean Norbit wins an Oscar. Norbit. Really.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song and Score)
Due to a loophole exploited by almost every musical-to-movie adaptation (Chicago, Phantom of the Opera, Dreamgirls, etc.), Sweeney Todd gets shut out of two categories because it remained faithful to the original musical. That soundtrack is better than any nominee in either category.

Achievement in visual effects
Transformers all the way, even if the effects do tend to get lost in Michael Bay's horrendous editing.

Adapted screenplay
The only real competition for No Country for Old Men is There Will Be Blood, which is the loosest of adaptations of an Upton Sinclair novel and really shouldn't be here.

Original screenplay
It'd be nice to see Juno win this.

Achievement in directing
You have to give this to the Coens. Everything else is pretty standard.

Best motion picture of the year
I think you know my pick on this one. It's nice to see Juno in there, but it won't win.

Be sure to tune in on the 24th to see the shortest and least exciting Oscar telecast in history.

Thanks, Writers Guild!

The Annual Oscar Post

Since I've done an Oscar nom post the previous two years, I believe that makes it an annual thing. Here's another:

Best Supporting Actor
Djimon Hounsou deserves to win this. That being said, it'll probably be Eddie Murphy, whose ego will proceed to outgrow George Clooney's. And what's Mark Wahlberg doing in there? Seriously: Marky Mark?

Achievement in Makeup
Click had makeup? Huh.

Best Animated Feature Film
Cars. Duh.

Best Supporting Actress
I'd love to see the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine win, purely because her routine in the movie was more offensive than everyone else's. But she won't. Probably Jennifer Hudson, finally capitalizing on her American Idol failure.

Best Documentary Feature
Just give Al Gore the fucking thing. (softly crying in corner)

Achievement in Sound Mixing and Sound Editing
They couldn't decide which had better sound, Letters from Iwo Jima or Dreamgirls, so they put one in each category. The other four nominees are the same in both. Odd. Even odder if those two were the winners. I smell a conspiracy...

Best Original Song
It would be funny if something from Dreamgirls didn't win.

Best Foreign-Language Film
There's usually one slam dunk in this category. And that would be Pan's Labyrinth. Or "Mexico," because this award is for the whole country, ya know. (I find it somewhat odd that Letters from Iwo Jima was ineligible for this category, even though it's entirely in Japanese, and was even filmed in Japan. Damn Clint's luck for not being Japanese.)

Best Actor
There are at least three in this category that I'd like to see win (and yes, one of them is Leonardo DiCaprio). Just, please, sweet Jesus, don't let Will Smith win. Seriously: The Fresh Prince?

Achievement in Cinematography
Nice to see that both turn-of-the-century magician movies made it.

Best Actress
If Helen Mirren doesn't win this, they may just want to not have the Oscars anymore. No point, really.

Best Original and Adapted Screenplay
These are always tough. As long as Babel loses, I'll be happy with anything here.

Best Director
This is Scorsese's year. I know I said that two years ago, the last time he ran against Eastwood, but Clint won't win this year, namely because no one's seen his movie. (Nice rollout on that one, Warner Brothers.) Plus, he's already got already got four Oscars; time to give Marty one.

And that would make our Best Picture winner...
The Departed. It's a great movie that was also a box office hit, which always contributes. Unless the Academy gives it to Babel, this year's overrated, white-people-should-feel-bad-about-themselves spoiler movie, there's your winner.

Oscar Recap

Some random Oscar thoughts:

-Jon Stewart was as funny as he needed to be. Even though I don't think it was, a lot of his stuff actually appeared to be spontaneous. And the campaign commercials (narrated by Steve Colbert) were hilarious.

-So, Clooney did win an Oscar. I suspect him to achieve the ego of God now.

-It was good to see that Ben Stiller had no problem embarrassing himself in front of millions of people. Great stuff.

-Speaking of embarrassing, the Wilson brothers got stuck with the task of performing opposite the animated characters. Had to happen to someone; may as well be them.

-Is it just me, or did Lauren Bacall appear to be suffering a stroke, right there on live TV? Either that, or she's gone waaaaay over the hill.

-No Oscar presentations in the aisles this year. That was fun while it lasted.

-The producers of March of the Penguins bringing up the stuffed penguins was a little too fucking cutesy for its own good.

-While it would have been nice to see Miyazaki or Burton win a Best Animated Feature Oscar, Nick Park winning is always appreciated.

-Why was Mickey Rooney sitting behind Rachel Weisz?

-The only thing more ridiculous than the on-stage performance of "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" was the acceptance speech that followed it winning Best Song. Jon Stewart's line afterward was classic, though.

-Does anyone actually care that Gustavo Santaolalla is from Buenos Aires? They thought it was important enough to mention, so I guess someone does care.

-Robert Altman was nowhere near as bitter toward the Academy as he should have been.

-The "In Memoriam" is always good. Who knew that the original "Cat Person" herself, Simone Simon, was alive in the past year? I thought she'd died years ago. And, apparently, the trio that died last week wasn't good enough to make the list.

-Could you tell that English isn't a first (or second) language for Ziyi Zhang? I bet you couldn't.

-Phil S. Hoffman wins an Oscar, and thanks his mom for five minutes. Not once did he even mention Truman Capote. That old homo just won you an Oscar! Throw him a shout out (even though he's dead)!

-And, in the (not really) most surprising shocker of the evening, Crash wins Best Picture out from under Brokeback Mountain. I say I'm not really surprised because the Academy was just keeping in line with giving the Oscar to the Not-Best Picture.

Oh well; a decent ceremony. We'll see what happens in another 364 days.

Good Night, And Good Luck Winning A Screenwriting Oscar

A lot of times, I watch movies just to watch movies. No real interest in seeing a particular movie; just want to watch one. And that's how I ended up seeing Good Night, and Good Luck when it returned to town after its Oscar nom. I saw it, because it's supposed to be a good film, and I needed to see a good film. (As opposed to Date Movie, which is terrible and which I watched out of boredom.)

Turns out, it is a good film. It's well-acted and directed. (I'm sure the Anti-Smoking Council would have something to say about every character in the film smoking at all times. David Strathairn always has a lit cig in his hand.) What isn't so good is the screenplay, which one would think is odd, since it's up for Best Screenplay. "What's wrong with it," you ask? Well, it's some of the laziest screenwriting in history.

In the film, there's about 10 minutes of recreations of old Morrow newscasts, which, I assume, came from transcribing dialogue from old news footage. And then there's another 10 minutes of news footage of Senator McCarthy and the HUAC trials, which require no writing at all, since they're just playing old news footage. Plus, there's the five minute Morrow speech that bookends the film, that I'm guessing was just transcribed from a speech Morrow actually gave.

So, out of a 90 minute movie, you've got about 65 minutes worth of original writing. While I've haven't seen the actual printed screenplay for this movie, I'm guessing it can't be any more than 50 pages, which is pretty thin. Hell, there's more than 50 pages of original writing on this blog, and I'm not up for Best Original anything.

Nice. Really nice.

And The Nominees Are...

Some random Oscar nom thoughts:

-How did Cinderella Man merit a Best Makeup nom? Don't really see that one as being valid.

-The Academy has decided that only three songs would be nominated this year, instead of the usual five, which is good, because that's two fewer painful performances of said songs that I'll have to endure during the Awards ceremony. I wonder if Terrence Howard will actually perform "It's Hard Out Here To Be A Pimp," or they'll do like last year and have someone like Kanye West perform it, even though the original performer is at the ceremony.

-Memoirs of a Geisha gets nominated in both Sound categories. Interesting choice: a movie that is 99% dialogue.

-I can't help notice that Sin City and Star Wars 3 were passed over in the Visual Effects category. Considering both movies are almost entirely visual effects, you'd think the Academy would throw them a bone. I think it's a fairly impressive technical achievement to create worlds that exist solely on a computer, but apparently I'm an idiot.

-The most hotly contested categories this year will be the two Writing categories. There are at least two in each category that deserve to win. The only category that comes close to this race is Animated Feature, which has three equally deserving nominees.

-George Clooney will probably win some sort of Oscar this year, and will ascend into the upper echelons of assholery with his new sense of importance. I suspect he'll attempt to buy the United States if he wins.

-Munich got more noms than it did at the Golden Globes, even though it will win nothing, which is a shame, because it's great.

-I suspect Brokeback Mountain will be the big winner this year. On a tangential subject, has anyone actually seen Brokeback Mountain? I've asked everyone I know, and can't find anyone, through any degree of separation, who has seen it. That should be a category of its own: Best Picture No One Has Seen. Winner, hands down.

We'll see how it all pans out in a month or so.

Random Oscar Thoughts

Since there were absolutely no surprises as to who won what, some random thoughts on the show:

--Chris Rock will not be back as host. Sure, he was funny, but that means nothing. He didn't kiss any of the stars' asses, and, in fact, made Sean Penn kinda angry. Plus, the little Bruce Valanchesque one-liners he read between awards were really terrible. The shit at the Magic Theatre was hilarious, though (and did Method Man and Albert Brooks just happen to be there, or was that a setup?)

--Why did Beyonce perform three of the five nominated Best Songs? I mean, she's not popular enough that she needs more exposure? I miss when the artists used to come on stage and sing their own songs (I will say the Counting Crows shouldn't have performed their song, or written it in the first place, for that matter). Like last year, when Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy came out dressed as Mitch & Mickey to perform "A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow". Great shit, but apparently, the Academy is going a different way on that now.

--Speaking of which, when did Carlos Santana lose the ability to play guitar? Guy used to be able to tear a guitar up. But, since he's come back into vogue in the last 3-4 years, his contribution to most songs is just those little guitars fillers that sound exactly the same in every song. I guess it's awesome when you're the punchline to a joke that everyone thinks is funnier than shit. And speaking of shit, what was up with that song? Was that the 2nd Worst Song Ever (that Counting Crows song is 1st), or was my reception just bad? And it won Best Song? Lower those standards!!

--What the fuck is wrong with Renee Zellweger's face? In the movies, she appears to be marginally attractive. But at the last three Oscars (at which she's been prominently featured), she's looked like she's recovering from a botched facial reconstruction surgery. I think there needs to be a special Oscar every year, given out to the makeup artists that make her look like a normal human in the movies, and not like the clonazoid replicant that she obviously is.

--Who knew that Jeremy Irons was funny (his performance in Die Hard With A Vengeance notwithstanding)?

--What's up with giving out awards in the aisles? That's gotta be some sort of fire code violation.

--It's a really bad idea to have two Hispanic women with marginal English skills speaking together, even if it looks really nice.

--When will the Oscar broadcast stop featuring an actor presenting an award with an animated character? I wish said actors a quick spontaneous death, so that they don't have to be as embarrassed for themselves as I am.

--As far as the actual awards went, everything that was supposed to win did. The one that will get in everyone's craw is Clint winning Best Director. Sure, Scorsese has had a great career that has been vastly overlooked by the Academy, and I'm sure The Aviator is beautifully directed, and he probably deserves an Oscar, but I'm glad Clint won. Clint is my nigga. Any aspirations I've ever had to be a filmmaker derive from this man's career. Wanna talk about overlooked? Clint made films for twenty years before he even got nominated. In fact, Clint would have six Oscars if the Academy hadn't given those pity Oscars to Peter Jackson after snubbing him for two straight years. Actually, now that I've got to raggin' on him, I feel bad for Marty. Maybe he does deserve those Oscars. Ya know what: Fuck my idol. Clint's already got two of them shits. Give Marty his birthright, dammit!!

All around, a pretty so-so Oscar night. At least they managed to keep it to three hours.

The Oscar Race

Well, now that the Oscar noms have been announced, I could sit here and tell you who has the best chance of winning, and how so and so was brilliant in this and that. But I'd only be guessing. You see, I haven't actually seen any of the nominated movies in the major categories (actually, I have seen Collateral and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, so I'm an expert on those two). In fact, of all the movies nominated for an Oscar this year, I've seen a whopping seven out of 30 (and I think I, Robot was unduly snubbed by the Academy). Bad taste on my part? No, because everything that got nominated just doesn't look enjoyable. Why would I see a movie just because "Jamie Foxx IS Ray", according to the ads? So, I ain't pickin' shit, because it would pretty much be me throwing at names at a dartboard. Actually, scratch that: I will pick the winners. I predict Sideways will win everything. This is the best movie out of all the other movies I have not seen; head and shoulders above the rest.

Handicapping The Oscars

So, the Oscar noms are tomorrow, and because I like doing things like this, of course I'll be picking winners. But, unfortunately, from what I've seen in theatres this years, the Oscars will probably be canceled, as I haven't seen a really decent movie this year (at least not Oscar-worthy).

So, what will get nominated? There'll be nominations for The Aviator, Million Dollar Baby, Ray. I'm sure Jamie Foxx will get at least one nom, as will Leonardo D, probably Tom Hanks. The great Chinese film Hero will probably be up for Best Forei...oh, wait, it was already nominated for that, TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO. (Way to get those foreign movies to this country in a timely fashion, Miramax.) The one I don't know about is Sideways. Critics are hailing this as the best movie ever, yet I don't believe any non-critic has actually seen it. Since Oscar voters are notorious for not knowing anything about movies, except the "For Your Consideration" screeners that studios send them, we'll see if anyone actually knows this movie exists.

But, this is all speculation. Check back tomorrow, and I'll pick some winners out of a whole shitload of movies I haven't seen. AWESOME!