Last Five Movies

Female Prisoner Scorpion: Beast Stable (1973)
In a callback to the very first one of these, yet another entry in Meiko Kaji's Scorpion series. Nowhere near as weird as the previous two entries, this one finds Scorpion on the run from the law. You've got to love a movie where, in the first minute, Scorpion cuts off the arm of the cop she's handcuffed to, and runs through the streets with it dangling from her wrist. Oh, and a note to the actresses of today: Kaji is able to come off as the toughest bitch on the planet while uttering about three lines of dialogue. There's something to be said for having a "presence."

The Lookout (2007)
An entertaining little flick, even if I'm a little unsure that it's possible to have the mental illness that Joseph Gordon-Levitt has in this. Otherwise, very enjoyable. And Jeff Daniels doesn't get nearly enough work.

Fracture (2007)
When I see legal thrillers like this, I wonder if they actually do any legal research when coming up with the plots. This movie gives us the shakiest examination of the "double jeopardy" exception since, well, Double Jeopardy (which had no basis in legal fact). And isn't it about time for Anthony Hopkins to stop playing Hannibal Lector? He does have other talents, ya know.

The Bride Wore Black (1968)
Francois Truffaut's take on Hitchcock (of whom he was a big fan) turns out to be a failure, as no Hitchcock movie was ever this boring. However, let it be said that this is probably Truffaut's best (ie, least boring) movie. Also, fans of Quentin Tarantino will be pleased to know that this film is in his "Movies I've Stolen From" file, as it shares its plot with Kill Bill.

No-brainer on this one...

Superbad (2007)
This has replaced Hot Fuzz as the funniest movie I've seen this year. It's basically Pretty in Pinkfor the Gen-Y set, told from the guys' perspective. If you're averse to raunchy talk about sex, avoid this like poison, because it's basically the plot of the movie. I liked the retro feel of the movie, from the clothes to the music, even the vintage Columbia Pictures logo before the opening credits. I was somewhat weirded out by the homoerotic subtext that pops up at the end of the film, but, honestly, it's not really that out of place, and makes sense, if you think about it. And if only cops were as fun in real-life as they are in this movie.

A great flick; check it out.

What I'm Listening To

Here's what's blaring out of my stereo at the moment (as though you cared):

-Beyond by Dinosaur Jr.
J Mascis got the original Dinosaur Jr back together, and they rock harder than ever. But, don't kid yourself that just because Murph and Lou Barlow are back in the band that this is a return to the "classic" Dino Jr sound. This is pure "late-model" stuff, with layer upon layer of heavy Jazzmaster noise, just like the J Mascis solo records that he passed off as Dinosaur Jr records. Great stuff, though.

-White Light, White Heat, White Trash by Social Distortion
The best Social Distortion record, IMO. Most people cite Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell, but I like my punk rock to actually rock.

-Vena Sera by Chevelle
Pretty basic Gloom Metal.

-Soul Crusher by Operator
Imagine Chris Cornell fronting a crappy metal band (much like he did in the early days of Soundgarden), and you have a good idea of what Operator sounds like. It's a shame that this record is better than the two solo records that the real Chris Cornell broke up two awesome bands to release.

-"Metalingus" by Alter Bridge
I've never been a big fan of Mark Tremonti, as all of his guitar work with Creed could have been played by a talented computer program. But this song, with the band that Creed became after Scott Stapp fell off the earth, is full of cool little licks and riffs. Maybe if Tremonti had played like this with Creed, they wouldn't have been the Gayest Band Ever.

-"Umbrella" by Rhianna
How do you not like this song?

-"Anything" by JoJo
It's nice to see Jeff Porcaro earning some songwriting royalties again. Too bad he's been dead for, like, 15 years. Oddly, The Girl loves JoJo, but hates this song. She has no appreciation of shitty '80s songs, I guess.

-Lite Rock on the Hard Rock station
I was listening to WXRX, Screw City's Home of Rock, the other day, when I heard something that I'm pretty sure was Avril Lavigne. I actually checked the radio dial to make sure I was on the right station. So, the Rock station was playing (I think) Avril Lavigne, who is sooooooo far away from rock that she may actually come all the way back around to being rock. I'm sure there's a Einstein-Rosen theory that explains it all.

The Tribulations Of A Guitar Player

I recently decided that taking up the guitar might be a good waste of my time. And, despite that fact that I'm absolutely atrocious, I'm already looking for my next guitar.

No one ever plays one guitar their whole life. They're always looking for another one. Even Eric Clapton and Eddie Van Halen retired their famous guitars for something else. So, this means I spend a lot of time guitar shopping, trying to find that guitar/amp combination that's going to take me to the next level.

The great thing about most guitar shops, particularly the big ones, is that they actually encourage you to play the merchandise. Playing it is the only way to see if it's any good and if it's what you want. You're basically a jackass to buy a guitar you haven't played beforehand (like I did), because you're going to end up with something that's wrong for you.

And while we're talking about guitar stores, I think it's a prerequisite that all guitar store employees a) be able to play the guitar really well, and b) know everything there is to know about guitars. And they're insanely helpful. One at Guitar Center literally inundated me with guitars he thought I might like, one of which was a $1700 Les Paul (which played like a $1700 guitar).

However, the problem with guitar stores is that I'm kinda embarrassed to go in there, as I really am not a good player at this point. It's difficult not to be self-conscious of my guitar-playing ability when a guy the next aisle over has the Zakk Wylde Custom plugged into a Marshall half-stack, tearing the hell out of "Eruption," while I have a ukulele plugged into a five-watt practice amp, struggling my way through, well, nothing. Plus, it's difficult to tell what sounds good when 1) I don't know what "sounds good" sounds like, and 2) I don't know what "sounds good" sounds like.

But, all that being said, I keep going. If nothing else, it's fun to just handle the merchandise. Someday I'll be good. Someday.

Maybe.


BTW, there's another problem with guitar stores, and that's taking The Girl to them. On one trip, I showed her a Gibson Flying V that I thought was pretty cool. Her response was, "That is pretty cool...if you're C.C. DeVille."

My own wife. Wow. I guess it doesn't help that one of the songs I do know how to play is "Every Rose Has Its Thorn."

I bring this shit on myself, I suppose.

The Big, Bad Dog

For you fans of Duane Chapman, you'll be pleased to know that Mexican authorities have chosen to drop all charges against Dog and his motley crew stemming back to their capture of Andrew Lister.

So, you'll be able to watch Dog, BeBop, and RockSteady doing what they do best, without any troublesome interference from the federales.

Go with Christ, brah, go with Christ.

The Trouble With Barry

Tonight, Barry Bonds hit his 755th homerun, tying him for the all-time record with Hank Aaron. Henry Arron, a genuinely likable guy who fought years of racism to break the previous record of 714, is about to lose his place in history to one of the most hated baseball players since Ty Cobb. (At least Cobb had the decency to admit he was a miserable human being. Shit, he claimed to have killed a mugger in self-defense, and had no problem assaulting the occasional ballpark patron. That's a prick.)

Still, regardless of what kind of an asshole a guy is, it's still impressive to hit 755 homeruns, especially considering that by the time Bonds retires (I suspect) next year, he will have played just as long as Aaron did and will probably have hit more homeruns. I think a lot of other people are just as impressed. What makes it not so impressive is the fact that, 10 years ago, Bonds wasn't on pace to catch Aaron.

"Why is that not impressive," you ask? Well, let's look at the numbers. Through the first 10 years of their careers, it was 366 for Aaron to 334 for Bonds. At this point in their respective careers, Aaron is two years younger than Bonds. Yet, over the next five years, Bonds passed Aaron by 13. Over the next three, leading up to the magical 715, the gap widened to 30. So, a guy who does not have time nor the homeruns on his side suddenly is ahead of schedule by 30. How does that happen?

Oh, that's right: those five years where Barry took the lead were the "magic years," where his head grew eight sizes, he lost the ability to run, and became the most feared power hitter in the game. (Barry once claimed he stopped stealing bases because he was "too old." Rickey Henderson stole 66 bases when he was 40. Yeah: "Too old.") The "magic years" where, at the ripe old age of 37, he eclipsed his previous season-high home run total of 49 (which he set the year before) by 24, and then tacked on another 136 leading up to his 40th birthday. Seems perfectly logical that a guy would hit almost half of his career homeruns after he was 35. Aaron only hit a third of his home runs during that period, so I guess my theory of him being the greatest player ever just got blown to shit.

I also think it's a little odd that it's taken Bonds this long to reach 755, considering the leaps and bounds he's taken in the years leading up to this season. Through the first 19 games of the season, he had eight homeruns. He's hit 13 since then. (That's 77 more games, for those of you counting.) You think he would have jumped all over that by now. Doesn't seem suspicious at all.

Oh well. Hopefully, he break the record tomorrow, so we can all go back to not caring about this anymore.

And for those of you who don't subscribe to the "magic years" theory, the picture at the top of this post is Barry in 2001, the year he hit 73. This picture above is Barry in 1998. Other than the mustache, I can't tell the difference. Can you?

Yeah, that's what I said.

300

And, while we're on the subject of players perched on the precipice of historical milestones, Tom Glavine has been beached on 299 wins for a while now. And while 300 wins is not as impressive as 755 home runs, because there's been a lot of 300 game winners, it does tend to be the magic number that puts a pitcher into the Hall of Fame. So, Glavine's legacy might be riding on that one win. And while no record is ever safe (A-Rod's on pace to hit about 800 home runs), Glavine winning 300 will be quite an accomplishment, as I believe he's going to be the last one to do it for, oh, quite some time.

Next on deck for 300 is Randy Johnson, at 284. But, with a back surgery and his 44th birthday quickly approaching, he may not get another 16 starts, much less another 16 wins. Behind him is Mike Mussina, who most definitely won't win 55 more games after he's 40. Pedro Martinez, with 206, and Andy Pettite, with 193, are the next best bets, but, at their current paces, they'll both have to play well into their 40s to get there. So, it might be a while.

Mathematically speaking, 300 wins is not impossible to reach. Fifteen wins for 20 years is 300 wins. Unfortunately, it's much harder to do in real life. Greg Maddux won at least 15 games 17 straight years, but he's also one of the best pitchers ever. No easy feat for the average man.

Basically, what it comes down to is that pitchers just aren't as good or consistent as they used to be. None of the pitchers in the top 10 in wins at the start of the decade are in top 10 right now. And, with the advent of the five-man rotation, they don't get as many starts. Fewer starts means fewer wins. I think most current players would be lucky to win as many games as Nolan Ryan lost (which was pretty goddamn close to 300, so, I guess that would be pretty impressive). But, that's if they're lucky. And good.

Good luck, Tom; hope you get 300 and cement your place in the Hall.

(Oh, btw, you may have noticed this post has nothing to do with the movie 300, which is new to DVD and hi-def this week, so feel free to check it out.)

Last Five Movies

Army of Shadows (1969)
Jean-Pierre Melville's long-lost, second-to-last movie, which received its first American theatrical release just last year. A departure from his usual cops-and-robbers theme, this time detailing the efforts of the French Resistance during WW2. It's a shame no one got to see it for almost 40 years.

BTW, a bad week for European "New Wave" directors, with Ingmar Bergman and Michelangelo Antonioni dying within a day of each other. They might be missed. Maybe.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)
Worst...Harry Potter movie...Ever. At least this one solves the problem that previous Potter films had of being too complexly plotted by not having a plot at all. The Girl claims they omitted about half the book. And the movie is still two and a half hours long! That's some quality writing.

Premonition (2007)
Finally: A movie version of that episode of Dallas where it turns out it was all a dream, with a non-funny bit of Groundhog Day thrown in for good measure. Terrible.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)
One of those movies that must just be fantastic as a book, full of imagery and symbolism, that's almost impossible to translate into a movie. Still, it's a pretty good movie, if you can buy the premise of a serial killer with the world's greatest sense of smell. (See what I mean about it being better as a book?)

Yeah, like you didn't see this coming:

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
After 20 years in the making, you would think this would be the greatest Simpsons episode ever. It's not, but it's still funnier that most of the last couple of years' episodes. The computer-rendered backgrounds give the cartoon a surrealistic feel that's quite jarring from the hand-drawn TV episodes. It allows for a lot more action. The jokes are just about non-stop. And there's one of the most subversive misdirection gags of all time, in which you actually see Bart Simpson's penis. (Seriously.) My one quibble: no Gil. Oh sure, Arthur Crandall and Gabbo make an appearance, but no Gil.

Maybe this movie wasn't as good as I thought. Check it out anyway.

Does This Surprise Anyone?

Unless you've been in the Arctic Circle for the past week, you've heard about Lindsay Lohan's second DUI bust in as many months. The details of her arrest are fairly standard and boring; it's the things that happened before and after that are hilarious.

Lohan's most recent arrest came just four days after she was booked for her previous arrest. Only in California can you be arrested, take two months off to go to rehab (which, in CA, apparently constitutes nothing more than hanging out in a bikini), and then come in to be booked for that crime. I'm sure that, before she left, they gave her a two-for-one entree coupon for Spago. They were even nice enough to schedule her arraignment for this arrest at the same time as her court date for her previous arrest. Because it works out well for Lindsay's schedule. (That 10.0 earthquake that will break California from the continent and sink it into the ocean can happen any day now.)

Then, not only do they get Lindsay on DUI, but (and this is the one that will stick) they get her for transporting narcotics into the jail, a BIG felony. But, see, she's innocent, because that's not her cocaine. It's not her fault that she had that cocaine; it's whoever's fault that put that coke in her pants. This defense is slightly less plausible than Isaiah Washington claiming it was ABC's fault that he's a homophobe.

We can only hope that Lindsay gets the book thrown at her for everything. Maybe some D.A. looking to make a name for himself will go for blood and put her down for the count. But, I doubt it. I'll be cutting-and-pasting this story with different dates in a couple of months.

See ya then!

Like Father, Like Son

Went to Flashback Weekend in Chicago on Saturday. Some random observations:

-This was the biggest collection of freaks I had ever seen. I saw a C3PO, a TIE fighter pilot, a yellow Power Ranger, numerous Svengoolies, assorted zombies, freaks, and mutants, and tons of people who probably dress like that on an everyday basis. And I thought my outfit of polo shirt and jeans was pretty outrageous.

-The Girl was able to correctly identify Alice from the fourth and fifth Nightmare on Elm Street movies without even knowing she was going to be there; I thought she was somebody's personal assistant. Shows you what I know about obscure character actors.

-Ira Heiden, who played the Wizard Master in Dream Warriors, is just as nerdy and unpopular in real life as he was in that movie. "Moreris: you die," indeed.

-Ya know how Freddy Krueger kinda walks like he just spent six hours on horseback or has a slight case of rickets? Robert Englund actually walks like that.

-Heather Langenkamp is the first person in history to spell The Girl's name correctly on the first try. Who says actors aren't better than we are?

-The Nightmare on Elm Street reunion Q&A was mostly relegated to questions about John Saxon's work on non-Nightmare movies.

-Speaking of John Saxon, I wanted to asked him how it was to work on Cannibal Apocalypse, but I chickened out. Instead, I told him I was a big fan of his work, the most ridiculous thing I've said since I uttered the phrase, "Congratulations on your no-hitter, Mr. Bosio."

-Ronee Blakley has gained four pounds for every year since Nightmare on Elm Street came out. You do the math.

-Anchor Bay Entertainment, which put on this event, chose not to bring any of its hundreds of movies for sale. One of its competitors, Synapse Films, brought their entire catalog.

-I was somewhat disappointed by the fact that they only had two out of a possible, like, nine Jasons there. And neither one was Kane Hodder, who holds the record with three go-rounds as Jason. What kinda horseshit is that?

And lastly, but not leastly:

Michael Berryman, who won the birth defect lottery, and whose appearance would scare small children, turns out to be one of the most cordial people I've ever met. We ended up having quite a lengthy discussion about the sequel of the remake of The Hills Have Eyes and his distaste for the whole thing. He even signed a glossy of himself in Hills Have Eyes with the message, "Let's go camping!"

Classic. I think I may have a new hero.

The Emmy Noms

The 2008 Emmy nominations are out. Some random thoughts:

Outstanding Animated Program (for Programming Less Than One Hour)
No nomination for Family Guy. That's a win for everyone!

Outstanding Choreography
So You Think You Can Dance has choreography? Huh.

Outstanding Cinematography For A Multi-camera Series
It's good to see that all of the laugh-track sitcoms have been mostly relegated to this category only.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock winning would be nice, but won't happen.

Outstanding Commercial
Do we really need this category? Wouldn't handing Emmys out to people on the street be easier?

Outstanding Drama Series
In a somewhat shocking development, 24, which won this Emmy last year, didn't even get nominated. I'm sure Emmy voters became disenchanted with the series after having sat through last season's "Save Audrey" storyline, which went on for so long that I forgot how the season even started.

Outstanding Guest Actor In A Comedy Series
If I told you that Martin Landau might win this, would that be something that might interest you?

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
As long as Charlie Sheen doesn't win, I'd be happy with anyone in this category.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Just give the fucking thing to Denis Leary already. You can only screw a guy so many times.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie
See above, but substitute Helen Mirren, and take out that "screwing a guy" part.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Uh, why is Kevin Dillon's name listed in this category? Must be a typo.

Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series
The toughest category of all. All are deserving, but I'd like to see a 30 Rock win.

Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series
And, stuck amongst all the usual suspects is that episode of Battlestar Galactica. I'm sure the writers of Grey's Anatomy are pissed that that's what pushed them off the board. Oh well.

Check back in September to see how it pans out.

J.J. Abrams Needs To Focus

If you've seen Transformers, you've seen the trailer for the new J.J. Abrams movie that's coming out. (If you haven't, you can watch it here.) The trailer doesn't reveal much about the movie's plot, and the official website isn't of much help either. The best I can tell (and this opinion is shared by others) is that it appears to be some sort of Godzilla movie, which is an...uh, interesting choice if it's true.

Here's my thoughts on the matter: J.J. Abrams needs to stop messing about with crap like this and do two things before he starts on anything else: 1) He needs to finish the last 48 episodes of Lost in a way that won't piss everyone off; and 2) he needs to make the next Star Trek movie. (I'm not a Trekkie, but I do enjoy the movies, and was disheartened to see Paramount completely shelve the franchise.) Once those two things are done, do whatever the hell you want.

Not that he will just work with the balls he's already got in the air, as he hasn't in the past. He'll get dicking around with something new, and all the other stuff will go on the back burner, and, next thing you know, Lost ends with Pamela waking up and finding Bobby alive in the shower, and the whole thing was just a dream.

Or, maybe it will all turn out all right. But I doubt it.

It's, Like, Sooo Whatever

I really dislike Avril Lavigne. I cannot think of a more blatant example of a manufactured star than Lavigne. (Some might claim the American Idolers are more so, but at least they kinda earned their fame.) If you look up the word "product" in the dictionary, there's a picture of Lavigne's career. Here's a girl who fully admits she only listened to country music growing up, that she wasn't into pop music until, well, never, as far as I can tell from listening to her songs. Yet, there she is, being cast as a hard-rocking, sass-talking, punk rock grrl. All of her songs come from a Legion of Super-Heroes of writers and producers. She's about as edgy as a bowling ball. And she does even have pop-star looks to fall back on; she's rather ugly, in an ugly sort of way.

Needless to say, I often wish for bad things to happen to Lavigne. And I got my wish when a group no one's ever heard of called The Rubinoos decided to sue Lavigne, claiming that she had ripped off their song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" to make her song "Girlfriend." Seeing as Lavigne doesn't write her own music, I can see this happening.

I checked into it (and you can too, by going to The Rubinoos' website), and she did kinda rip off the song, ever so slightly. So, they appear to have a (incredibly shaky) case here. What I don't get is why seemingly credible and respectable writers like the folks in The Rubinoos would want to get mixed up with a shitbag like Lavigne. Oh, I know..uh, money.

Hey, if being eternally linked to one of the crappiest songs I've ever heard makes you feel better about yourselves, go for it. Might as well get that payday when you can. And, it costs Avril money, so I'm all for it.

Bravo, you glorious, money-grubbing bastards!

Where Have All The Action Stars Gone?

I was at Blockbuster the other day, and I noticed that Wesley Snipes has a new movie, The Contractor, out on video. If you just casually look around the store, you notice that Snipes has a lot of movies new to video. Then, I got to thinking: When was the last time Snipes was in a theatrical movie? He's been in a lot of direct-to-video movies, but, I believe Blade 3 was the last time he had a movie in the theatre. This from a guy who, in the '90s, used to put out two or three movies a year.

That got me thinking about this: When was the last time any of the action stars of the '90s had a movie in the theatres? Steven Segal has been direct-to-video for years. Same with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Schwarzennger is otherwise occupied. And Stallone and Ford got too old (although both of them still have the occasional movie, but have cut way back).

The fact of the matter is that we don't have any action hero staples anymore. Look at the stars of this summer's big action movies: Tobey McGuire, Matt Damon, Johnny Depp, Shia LaBeouf (the guy's name is LaBeouf, for Christ's sake; he doesn't even have the courtesy to spell it the manly way, like Boof Bonser does). These are guys I would expect to see in a movie about gay cowboys, not one where they're killing everything that moves. And all the guys that we used to rely on for that stuff, movie after movie, are out of the game. The Era of the Action Star is dead.

There is hope, though. The only action hero that seems to have survived the '90s intact is Bruce Willis, who would be done as well, had Joe Roth not saved his career in the late '90s. But, living on borrowed time or not, he's still around. I hope it will stay that way. He's the last of a dying breed. And I'm glad he keeps inviting us to watch him crash cars into helicopters.

"Welcome to the party, pal" indeed.

The Big Deal About Nothing

I've been hearing a lot of buzz about this movie Captivity, which came out today. Not the good "Gotta See It!" kind of buzz; it's the bad "This is the most evil movie ever made!" kind of buzz.

It all started earlier in the year when a billboard advertising the movie (pictured at the top of this post) appeared in New York and Los Angeles. Apparently, due to a snafu between Lionsgate (the movie's distributor) and After Dark (the movie's producer), these unapproved billboards were displayed for the public to see. Well, a bunch of soccer moms and weak stomached do-gooders, which L.A. and New York happen to be lousy with, didn't like them. They thought it glorified the torture of women and a genre of movies that have been lovingly called "Torture-Porn." (I prefer the term "Gore-Porn," or "Gorno," for short.)

So, they started a grass roots campaign to get the movie unrated. Apparently, if a movie's ad materials are not approved by the MPAA, it may lose its privilege of being rated. And, it worked. The MPAA withheld from rating the movie until the last minute and forced the film to have all of its advertising approved. This whole mess caused the movie to have its release date pushed back two months. It's a lot of crap for a movie to go through due to a poster.

With this much scorn heaped upon a movie, I think you know that I'm going to see it. And I did.

The verdict? Those idiots made a lot of misplaced stink about a movie that is pretty lame, in terms of gorno. I just watched Saw 3 the other day, and it's a thousand times more sadistic than Captivity, and I don't remember anyone throwing a tantrum over that movie or the three pulled teeth on a wire (as in Saw 3; get it?) that appear on its poster.

And, speaking of posters, I've seen a lot worse that no one has seemed to care about. The original teaser posters for Saw featured assorted severed limbs.
There was a teaser poster for Hostel 2 with a nude Bijou Philips holding her own decapitated head. No one picketing the MPAA on those. (Both are readily available on eBay, as well.)

It just goes to show you that it takes a village to keep our children from seeing inappropriate material. It would be better if the village wasn't full of idiots, but, well, at least they tried.

By the way, on an unrelated note, before Captivity was a trailer for a remake of 3:10 to Yuma. They're very near the bottom of the remake barrel now.

Sony Still Sucks

I've had a long-time love/hate relationship with Sony. While they make some great products (I loved the Sony Ericsson phone I had, other than the fact it was like 1000 years old), their sky-high prices, arrogant attitude, and ridiculous proprietary technology make them so easy to hate. (The Memory Stick Micro, which is compatible with nothing but Sony Ericsson cell phones, is possibly the dumbest piece of technology ever.) A lot of times, the dumb outweighs the good. So, it comes as no surprise that something new that Sony does might turn out to be much ado about nothing.

Today, Sony announced that they would be dropping the price of their 60GB PS3 by $100, bringing the pricetag down to (a still-staggering) $499. That should make that PS3 fly off the shelf.

...If it weren't for the fact that, about three months ago, Microsoft released a new XBox 360 with a 120GB hard drive that supports 1080p and is HDMI-compatible and still costs $20 less than the PS3 with half the storage space. A rash of unexpected repairs led to a retroactive three-year warranty for the 360. (PS3 still has just the one year.) Add to that the fact that XBox Live is turning into quite the multimedia portal, and, with the release of Windows Vista, it's now possible to play games cross-platform (like Shadowrun, which can be played on-line between a 360 and a PC). Oh, and Microsoft recently released the software that allows you to make XBox games. But what gamer is going to be interested in that? Meanwhile, the PS3...well, it's still a state-of-the-art system that plays crappy games.

It's just not gone well for Sony. First, they got beat to the market by Microsoft. Then, they announced the astronomical price. Then, they pushed back the release date. Once the need to buy "The New Thing" subsided, PS3s became quite plentiful. I remember a visit to Best Buy where I nearly tripped over a literal pile of PS3s sitting in the middle of the aisle; not a good sign for a console that had only been out four months. (And it's still being murdered in terms of sales by the Wii, which, according to people I know who've played it, is apparently the funnest console ever. And, nearly eight months after its release, I've never seen a Wii on a store shelf.)

Maybe this will pay off for Sony. Maybe that $100 is the straw that breaks the camel's back, and these things will just start flying off the shelves. But, the fact that Sony is still producing and releasing new games for the PS2 tells me that not even they have a lot of confidence in it.

We shall see.

Dan Patrick Packing It Up

In news that I'm sure came as a shock to his fans (like myself), long-time ESPN staple Dan Patrick has announced that he is leaving the network after 18 years.

Not that he's much of a presence anymore. Since leaving his anchor duties at Sportscenter last year, he has mostly been relegated to hosting his radio show, which airs on ESPN Radio. Along with his departure from ESPN goes his radio show. So, he's basically out of the business, with, according to him, no real future plans.

Here's my word of advice: MSNBC needs to hire Patrick and get him back on a show with Olbermann. When EPSN hired Olbermann to co-host the middle hour of Patrick's radio show, it made me remember how good these two were together, and how instrumental their time together on Sportcenter was to sports broadcasting. That would make me happy.

Good luck, Dan, wherever you may end up.

The Facts Of The Case Of R. Ankiel

Remember Rick Ankiel? Of course you don't. I'd forgotten about him myself, until his name came up in an interesting context the other day. So, seeing as it's a slow news day (unless you care about Paris Hilton or Clay Aiken, which I don't) and the All-Star Break, I thought we'd look back on the goofy career of Rick Ankiel and the turn of events that makes me bring him up today.

When the St. Louis Cardinals drafted Ankiel straight out of high school in 1998, he was basically the best pitcher high school had to offer. And his skills translated directly to the minor league level. In his two years in the minors, Ankiel went 25 and 10, with a 2.50 ERA, a 1.06 walks and hits per inning, and a remarkable 12 strikeouts per nine innings. He won every award a minor league player can win. Needless to say, the Cardinals were quick to call him up to the Majors.

In his first full year with the Cardinals, Ankiel did better than most would expect from a 21 year-old kid. In 30 starts, he went 11 and 7 with a 3.50 ERA (9th best in the league), 7.05 H/9 (2nd best), and 9.98 K/9 (again, good for 2nd). Ankiel was poised to be The Next Big Thing.

And then he forgot how to throw a baseball.

Not that he had an injury and never got his mechanics back; he just completely lost any semblance of the control he once had. In six starts, in 24 innings, he gave up 25 hits (seven of which were homeruns), 25 walks, allowed 19 runs, yet still managed to strike out 27. The Cardinals, hoping to protect their Golden Boy, sent Ankiel down to AAA, where he actually got worse. In three starts, in a whopping 4.1 innings, he gave up three hits, 17 walks, 12 wild pitches, and allowed 10 runs. He was promptly sent down to the Rookie Leagues, the lowest level of organized ball there is.

That's where Rick Ankiel dropped off the map. He went from the guy that everyone was scrambling to pick up in their fantasy leagues to a guy who couldn't throw a strike if you held a gun to his head. He ceased being anything anyone would care about. I know I'd forgotten all about him.

Until the other day. I was reading an article on ESPN.com about how Rick Ankiel has more homeruns than Barry Bonds. Seeing as this was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard, I looked it up. And I'll be goddamned if he doesn't.

Turns out, Ankiel is now an outfielder. He's leading the Pacific Coast League (a AAA league) in homeruns with 26 (Bonds has 17) and is seventh in RBIs with 66. For a major league comparison, his numbers are similar to Ken Griffey, Jr's, who was the leading vote-getter for the National League in the All-Star Game. The guy may have turned out to be a terrible pitcher, but he's also turned out to be one hell of a hitter.

So, maybe we'll see the once-great pitcher in the Majors yet. Slightly different context, but back in The Bigs, nonetheless.

Last Five Movies

Reno 911!: Miami (2007)
I've seen Reno 911! on TV a couple of times, and never really found it that funny. I know there are people that find the show funny, but I've never laughed once. Maybe I don't know what humor is. People find Family Guy to be "hilarious," but I think it's the least funny thing to ever air on television (with the possible exception of Roots or anything starring Carlos Mencia). And I feel the same way about Reno 911! So, I'm not sure what made me think that an 80 minute version of the show might make it any funnier. Is the joke suppose to be that a bunch of disgusting degenerates are cops? Or that they're the stupidest people on Earth? Am I suppose to laugh at the fact that Lt. Dangle is obviously gay, yet everyone seems oblivious to it? I don't get it. Maybe I don't know what "funny" is. But I doubt it.

Evilspeak (1981)
If watching a young Clint Howard chop off peoples' heads with a sword is your thing, this movie is for you. All others need not apply.

Knocked Up (2007)
Yet another laffathon from "the guys that brought you The 40-Year-Old Virgin." And while the movie really is very funny, Apatow has made the mistake of giving all the best lines to the supporting cast. It's not a good thing when characters with 30 seconds of screen time (like Ryan Seacrest) are funnier than the two leads are for the whole movie. Seth Rogan is no Steve Carell.

Transformers (2007)
If you were a fan of the cartoon or the toys, you will automatically enjoy this movie. I liked that Optimus Prime had the same voice as he did on the cartoon, and that the classic "Transformer" sound makes a couple of cameos. And any screen time devoted to Megan Fox is always appreciated. But I agree with Roger Ebert's assessment that the Transformers actually have too much screen time; sometimes, less is better. And, this is a Michael Bay movie, and quite possibly the most overblown movie he's ever made, which is a bad thing. (There is a shot toward the end that is the most ridiculous thing ever committed to film. I don't need to tell you what it is; you'll know.) The action scenes are edited in such a way that they resemble a Magic Eye painting: your eyes can't even comprehend what's going on (somewhat on par with Armageddon). And, last but not least, there's waaaay too much Anthony Anderson. I appreciate the effort, I really do, but it could have been so much better.

Tough call, what with Transformers and all, but...

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)
A few weeks back, I claimed that the new Die Hard sequel appeared to break from the "Bruce Willis trapped in a _____ with terrorists" formula of the first three movies. Well, turns out I was wrong. In this one, John McClane is trapped below the Mason-Dixon Line with terrorists. See: Pretty much the same. And while this is not the smartest movie in the world, it is never boring. There are cars crashing into helicopters, SUVs driving down elevator shafts, even tractor trailers being chased by a jet fighter. And while the action is great, what I really appreciated was the acting talent. It was good to see Cliff Curtis yet again play a nationality not his own. Consummate "That Guy" Zeljko Ivanek makes an appearance to pad his already lengthy resume. Kevin Smith is perfectly cast as the fat computer geek. And any time you can sneak the adorable Mary Elizabeth Winstead into a film is a good thing. (Justin Long should probably stick to making Apple commercials, but you take the good with the bad.) As I mentioned before, the movie is pretty dumb, and its plot appears to be mostly stolen from Goldeneye, but, c'mon: it's John McClane, The Man That Will Not Die. A good time for the whole family.

"Straight Outta Compton, Crazy Motherfucker Named Nina..."

A person is always one click away from incredibly crazy shit on the internet. And it was one such click that led me to this video for a Nina Gordon song, which just happens to be a cover of "Straight Outta Compton" (Yes, that "Straight Outta Compton"):


I like Nina and all, enjoying her work with Veruca Salt and on her own, but Nina is waaaaaay too...well, she's way too a lot of things to be singing this song. I believe if you look up "irony" in the dictionary, this video is there.

I hope this shows up on her next album.

The Worst Movie In The History Of Movies. Ever.

I've made it no secret my dislike of the works of Eli Roth. Most people would just ignore his career entirely if they didn't like him, but I keep tabs on him just out of pure hate.

I've seen all of Roth's previous "movies," so it should come as no surprise that I'd see his new opus, Hostel 2, just to see how shitty it is. (If you remember, when I saw the first one, I was pissed that I paid $3 to see it, so I made sure to see this one for free. And I'm still pissed.) And I was not disappointed. In fact, I was more than pleased, because Hostel 2 is so awful that it almost made the experience worth it, just so I can say that Roth has once again proved that he has no business being anywhere near a film set.

It might not be so bad if Roth had tried to do something original or different with this one, but it's the exact same movie. Same plot, same locale, even the same ending. The thing that's changed is that the guys from the first film are now girls (and no, this change does not lead to any "hot lesbian action"). He's also thrown in the unwelcome addition of a subplot involving two members of the Hunt Club, both played guys from Desperate Housewives. Unfortunately, both characters are so annoying that you spend most of their screentime praying for their inevitable deaths. Add it all together, and you have a movie that has less entertainment value than a snuff film, except this is fake. (In one article I read, the reviewer referred to this as "gore porn." Apparently, he's not familiar with the work of Joe D'Amato, which actually was gore porn. This is nowhere near as entertaining.)

Now, I don't want to come off like one of these people, who would rather have no sex and violence in their movies; quite the contrary, actually. One of the best movies I've seen in the past few years was The Devil's Rejects, a movie just as unrelentingly grim and violent as Hostel 2 (possibly even more so), but it at least had the decency to be well-made and entertaining. Hostel 2 is just shit.

There's something else that bothers me about this movie. When you make a violent, bloody, exploitative movie like this, the MPAA is going to cut it to shit. Roth throws a lot of blood on the screen, and still comes out with an R rating (a pretty hard R, but an R, nonetheless). I'm guessing that the movie he made did not make it to the screen uncut. As queasy as the MPAA is, I'm sure they made him cut out something. Which tells me that Roth threw everything and a Home Depot full of kitchen sinks in there, and whatever the MPAA let stick, he ran with. Here's what bothers me about this: If you look back at the history of movies like this, movies that are extremely grim and violent, and look at genre forefathers like the original Hills Have Eyes and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, they were all released unrated. They were too violent to receive a rating, but the filmmakers released them anyway. Nobody saw them, but, over the years, they built a cult following, and are beloved by genre fans. (Even Pedro Almodovar does this, and he gets nominated for tons of awards every time he puts out a movie.) Yet Roth's movie, which seems to be an homage to those old exploitation movies, gets an R. Why? Because NC-17 or unrated movies don't get 3000 screen releases, nor do they receive any advertising, and, consequently, no one goes to see them and they don't make any money. (Ah, there's the rub.) Not that this is surprising; Roth appears to be following in the footsteps of his bitch-out mentor Quentin Tarantino, who has a history of cleverly editing his movie to avoid the dreaded NC-17.

The only good thing about this movie is that, while it has turned a small profit, its continual -60% diminishing returns means it will probably be all the way out of theatres by this weekend. (There's only one theatre within 50 miles of here where it's playing.) Maybe the fact that Hostel 2 cost twice as much as Hostel 1 to produce, yet grossed less than half as much will cause the studios to reevaluated Roth's status as a "golden boy," and stop giving him money to make any more dreadful movies. Or, better yet, maybe his next movie will cost so much to make and gross so little that it bankrupts a studio, and the suits will pull the old "Michael Cimino" and toss him right out of Hollywood.

That would be the sweetest thing in the world.

"Shooter" Beck: 1968-2007

Rod Beck, one of the best closers in baseball in the '90s, was found dead today in his Phoenix home at age 38.

Beck was somewhat of an oddball in baseball. In an era when players were becoming more physically fit, athletic, and clean-cut, Beck actually went the other direction, turning into more of a fat slob with each passing year. His penchant for drinking and smoking, his walrus-like horseshoe mustache, and his scraggly mullet would not be out of place on your Beer League softball team. Yet, there he was, one of the best closers in the majors.

He was also a pitcher with some strange statistical anomalies. He is one of only four pitchers to have saved more than 48 games twice. He once held the major league record for most consecutive save conversions with 41 (a record since obliterated by Eric Gagne). He is also only one of three pitchers to have converted 100% with at least 20 opportunities, a feat he accomplished twice, including the "Comeback Year," where he went 20 for 20 filling in for Trevor Hoffman. (I won't lie and say some of these categories haven't been tailor-made to fit Beck's stats, but, well, there they are.)

By all accounts, Beck was an all-around good guy, even if he did look like he might run you down with his chopper on his way to a meth buy. In these times when everything is tainted by a possible steroid connection, it makes you appreciate a guy like Beck, who succeeded with nothing but talent, beer, and the occasional trip to the weight room.

We'll miss ya, Shooter.

The Year Of The Bad Record

There's been a lot of albums that have come out in these first six months of the year, and a lot of those have been from artists I like; highly-anticipated stuff, if you will.

Yet, as I mentioned a second ago, we're six months into the year, and nothing has come out that I would recommend people go spend their money on. It's an all-around terrible year for music:

You've got The Smithereens, who put out their first new record in quite a while, and, turns out, it's a Beatles tribute record;

Saliva, possibly deciding their last album was too loud and angry, put out a record more along the lines of Winger, or possibly Nelson;

The Stooges put out their first record in ages, and prove that guys in their late 50s just can't bring the punk rock thunder;

Fall Out Boy put out an album that is, well, a Fall Out Boy album;

Trent Reznor cranked out, in record time (by Nine Inch Nails' standards, at least), Year Zero, a concept album that serves as little more than the payoff for the music world's version of The Lost Experience; (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, set aside about two hours and start clicking.)

Linkin Park, who had gotten nu-metal down to an artform, decided to switch gears entirely, and went with puss rock as their "nu" genre;

Maroon 5 released an album where all the songs sound exactly the same;

Chris Cornell had no problem breaking up a great band (Soundgarden) to record his first crappy solo record, and followed pattern by breaking up another (Audioslave) to record his next crappy solo record;

Even my beloved Queens of the Stone Age must have decided their music was getting too "normal," and decided to crank the weirdness (/unlistenability) factor way back up there.

And it only stands to get worse. I'm sure the new White Stripes album will be more obscure and obtuse than their previous one. Bon Jovi has forsaken its Jersey rocker ways and is putting out a country record. Kelly Clarkson, whose career appears to be disintegrating before our eyes, may or may not have a new album coming out. And the new-and-improved Smashing Pumpkins...well, we'll see about that one.

Just not a good year for music fans so far. There is one bright spot, though: Beyond, by the newly-reunited Dinosaur Jr. After being broken up for nearly 20 years and the name "Dinosaur Jr" having become synonymous with "J Mascis solo project," the original band got back together and put out one hell of a noisy record. J Mascis shows us that even though his hair went grey and he got really fat, he still knows how to rock.

I wish I could say the same for everyone else.

Irrelevant Sequel Summer

So, we're officially a month into The Summer of Sequels, with four of the 98 scheduled sequels having premiered. And, as expected, they're the only movies that have made any money so far.

As a money-making venture, I understand why we have sequels. If you paid to see the misadventures of The Ocean Gang the first two times, you're more than likely going to pay to see them a third time. What I don't get is why some movies even have sequels.

There are some movies that almost require sequels, because you can't cram the whole storyline into one movie (like Harry Potter or Star Wars). Or, there are movies which, due to the previous history of the characters, have near-infinite story possibilities (like Spiderman and The Fantastic Four). But is there anything we couldn't piece together from Daddy Day Care that would require it having a sequel (and one that appears to be completely unrelated to the original)?

A good example of this theory, having just announced plans for a third and fourth sequel, is Shrek. The only reason the first Shrek movie was made was because Jeffrey Katzenberg was pissed at The Walt Disney Company, having just come off a massive lawsuit against them. So, he produced a movie with a slight variation of the Sleeping Beauty/Cinderella theme, filled with bitter references toward Disney. (If you look on IMDB, the working title for Shrek was Fuck You, Disney! True story.) And it was very successful. Yet neither sequel was as clever (or as bitter) as the original; they were basically reworkings of the first movie, made solely to make money.

Same holds true for the Die Hard franchise. If ever there was a definition of a high-concept movie, it would be Die Hard. Its basic premise, an action movie taking place entirely in one building, was so seminal that subsequent action movies got pitched as "Die Hard on a (fill in the blank)." The sequel followed that premise, expanding it slightly to an entire airport. The next one (which, I suspect, started life as the third Lethal Weapon sequel, and was actually more entertaining than what eventually became Lethal Weapon 4) expanded further to include the entire island of Manhattan. This new third sequel takes the concept...well, I don't think it even has the same concept, but it's got John McClane in it, so I guess that makes it a sequel. Once again: Just a case of making a movie just because the previous installments made money.

The worst offender is the Rush Hour series. In Rush Hour 1, you've got Jackie Chan as a fish-out-of-water in Los Angeles, and, because he's Chinese, he doesn't understand anything about America! Hilarious! Then, there's Rush Hour 2, which is the exact same movie, except that now Chris Tucker is the foreigner in Hong Kong. Pure comic gold. But are there really enough variations of the "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" joke to merit a Rush Hour 3, where both characters are out of place in Paris? I suspect the only reason these movies are still being made is because Brett Ratner, who killed a perfectly good X-Men franchise, can't get any other work in Hollywood, for fear that he might kill someone else's money-making venture.

But this is all Hollywood economics: The first one made money, so subsequent installments will, too (and usually moreso). We're pretty much stuck with sequels (which are still preferable to remakes), whether we like it or not. So, enjoy Ocean's 13 when it opens this weekend. I know I will.

Yet Another Dead Mall

I'm fascinated by dead malls. Since all shopping malls were built in the '60s and '70s, the ones that don't make it or don't get updated decor become time capsules for the hideous concepts that passed for interior design of the times. The miles and miles of stone-inlaid concrete; the dark-brown laminated wood; the odd fountains and topiaries that dot the floorplan; the absent food court; the shiny aluminum surfaces; and everything swathed in brown and harvest gold. There is nothing more beautiful/ugly than a mall on its last legs.

Last weekend, because The Girl and I were in the area and had nothing better to do, we made our annual stop at the Machesney Park Mall, just because we think it's funny to see what stores could possibly still be in that mall. I used to go to the Machesney Park Mall all the time as a kid, because, even though it was out in the middle of nowhere, it was closer to where we lived than the more popular and still-living Cherryvale Mall (or at least that was my mother's logic). And time has not treated it well.

What we discovered on this particular trip was that Rockford has yet another dead mall on its hands, joining North Towne (which was literally sliced in half and turned into a furniture store) and Colonial Villiage (which became a "church" that draws more visitors than the mall ever did) on the "Do Not Resuscitate" list.

The mall is completely empty inside, with only the anchor stores (JCPenny's and Boston Store) on the ends still open. (Imagine the picture up top, but close the Deb, get rid of the plants, benches, and candy machine, and kill those trees, and that's what it looks like inside.) The parking lot was full of cars, but we soon discovered that all those cars belonged to people who had parked there to catch the shuttle bus to a concert at the Rockford Speedway. I was surprised that you could go into the mall part, which is now a skateboarding hoodlum's paradise and rife with vandalism opportunities. It was totally devoid of life in a creepy and ominous way, and I fully expected to see the occasional zombie shambling about. As the anchor stores had signs posted by their mall entrances that said, "The doors to the mall close at 7:00pm," The Girl thought it might be a neat idea to hide out until they closed and just live in the mall. I rebutted with the fact that there probably already are people living in the mall, and I didn't feature the idea of being murdered by CHUDs after the lights went out. All in all, one dead-ass mall.

But, all hope is not yet lost for the mall. While the mall itself is scheduled for demolition in the next month or so, JCPenny and Boston Store will remain, with the 500,000 square foot space in between being redeveloped into a mixed retail/commercial district. It's all part of a huge development push in that area that coincides with the opening of the I-90/Route 173 interchange later this year. So, from death comes life.

While it's sad to see the old dump go, it's probably for the best. I'm just glad I got to see it in its out-dated glory one last time.

Those Guys

A while back, during a post on "Poor Man's Versions," I made reference to "Those Guys": character actors with a lot of screen time, but no name recognition. I made a crack that maybe Stuff would do a better job with their list of Those Guys than they did with their Poor Man's Versions.

But, it appears as though Cracked has beat them to the punch by compiling a Top 20 List of Those Guys. And it's actually a pretty good list. (They're even nice enough to include their own Poor Man's Versions for every entry.)

It does have its problems, though. Like, what's David Morse doing on the list? I think everyone knows who he is. And if they didn't, who would play the "David Morse" Roles? Same with Danny Trejo and James Cromwell, both of whom are very well-known and have roles that only they can play.

And then there's the omissions. Like, where's Brian Cox, who is in literally every movie. (He's also very well-known, but, if you're putting Morse and Trejo on the list, you gotta put on Cox.) Or Bruce McGill, who's the Poor Man's Brian Cox (and played D-Day in Animal House, even though you wouldn't know it by looking at him). Or Bob Gunton, who's the TV Version of Philip Baker Hall. Or Dale Dye, who always plays the military guy. Or M. Emmet Walsh, who plays the "Sweaty Guy" Role whenever George Kennedy's not available (which isn't very often). Or James Hong, who played every Asian role in Hollywood for 20 years. Or (of course) Colm Feore, who's name gets dropped more on this blog than anywhere else on the planet.

All around, a good list, even if it does have more dead guys on it than you might expect to see.

Oh, and on a sidenote, in that same post I mentioned earlier, I made reference to Keith David, and about how I sensed his name turning up on a list of Those Guys. Well, I'll be damned if he didn't turn up on this list; even used the same picture I did.

Funny how that works, ain't it?

Charles Nelson Reilly, 1931-2007

Just wanted to mention the passing of '70s and '80s game show staple Charles Nelson Reilly, who died today at age 76.

Although I'm a little too young to have seen him much on game shows, his flamboyant (i.e., gay) antics can be caught with some regularity in reruns on the Game Show Network. I best remember his portrayal of Jose Chung on episodes of The X-Files and Millennium, which he played sans toupee.

Now, when Rip Taylor dies, he'll have just enough people (along with Reilly and Paul Lynde) to form a Blatantly Gay Game Show Guest team for the Heavenly version of Win, Lose or Draw.

Bert Convy will be pleased.

Idol Crowns Another Idle

Tonight, America crowned another idol, and it was...honestly, who cares. (It was Jordin, for those that care.) I haven't watched this show in four years, because it sucks. But, watching from the sidelines, I find it humorous. Not because the show is funny (which it isn't), but because the idiots that vote for who wins on the show almost always get it wrong.

Of the show's five previous winners, only two (Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood) have become "stars". That's 40%, an average will put you into Cooperstown, but a a bit of a failure when you're starmaking.

Season One, you had Kelly Clarkson, who's sold 15 million records. I'd call that a win.

Season Two, Ruben Studdard beat out Clay Aiken, but on the show only, as Clay has tripled Ruben's record sales. Oops. Loser.

I don't even know who won Season Three, but I do know that the seventh place finisher just won an Oscar for her role in a musical. Yes: An Oscar for singing. And I bet you remember William Hung, who didn't even make it past the tryouts, better than you remember who actually won.

Season Four: Carrie Underwood. One record, 6 million copies. 'Nuff said.

Season Five saw George Clooney's older brother beat out the cute bulimic chick. But they're both losers compared to fourth place finisher Chris Daughtry, whose record has sold more copies than those of the three that finished ahead of him combined.

And now, they've crowned another loser. We'll see how their career doesn't pan out.

The thing about this is that I'm sure the producers don't see those as "loses". I'm sure they spin it as, "Well, the person we crowned 'American Idol' hasn't sold a single record, because he/she is completely talentless, but, boy, that guy who finished 19th: 10 million records! Boo-yah!!" Anybody who sells a ton of records who was on that show for even a second is a win for them.

Basically, it all comes back to the viewers. You haven't put their money where your mouth is. Which, pretty much, makes you idiots.

On a side note, the ratings for the season finale of American Idol are being viewed as disappointing, as they were a 15% dropoff from last year's show. Maintaining 30 million viewers throughout a two hour show that is less entertaining than any given episode of The Gong Show, yeah, that's an absolute disaster.

The networks are idiots, too.

Ronnie Gardocki: My Hero

I've sung the praises of Ronnie Gardocki before, of how he, and not Vic Mackey, is The Man on The Shield. There has not been a better cop since Harry Callahan.

And he solidified my opinion of him on Tuesday's episode of The Shield, after being told by Shane of Vic's complicity in Terry Crowley's murder. When Ronnie confronted Vic about it, and Vic was absolutely speechless, what did Ronnie say? "I wish you'd been straight with me. I could have protected you better."

How cool is that?

If only we all had friends who would protect us from a murder rap. The world would be a better place.

The Network Fall Schedules Are In

So, the Network Upfronts, where the networks announce their fall lineups, are over, and the bad news is in: Network programming still sucks.

In a move that is possibly one of the most predictable in the history of TV, ABC picked up Private Practice, the Kate Walsh spinoff of Grey's Anatomy. This surprised no one, as ABC had already aired the pilot episode the week before, cleverly disguised as an episode of Grey's. They also decided to go forward with that sitcom about the Geiko cavemen. (Worst...pickup...ever.)

They also announced that Lost will be on for another three seasons. But, while it's nice to see that ABC took my advice and will produce those three season as short, uninterrupted, mid-season replacements, how the hell are they going to crank out 48 more episodes of that show? I don't see how they can turn out one more to finish up the current season, much less another 48. (This is officially now The Show That Will Never End.)

NBC, in an attempt to firmly secure their position in fourth place, did nothing to improve their lineup. They did, however, figure out a way to circumvent the "hiatus season" that plagued Heroes this year by coming up with Heroes: Origins (or, America's Next Top Hero, as I like to call it), which will air during Heroes' six-week hiatus. (Nice strangling of the "golden egg" goose, btw.) And it's nice to see that Kim Raver is in another pilot, so the chances of her turning up as Audrey Raines on 24 are pretty slim (although I'd've said the same this year, but, I'll be damned if Audrey didn't return from the dead after The Nine got canceled).

They also figured out how to solve their Law and Order problem, by banishing the lowly Criminal Intent to sister network USA, and making them pick up the tab (welcome news to fans of the original Law and Order).

CBS, working the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" strategy, also did nothing to improve their lineup, but, well, when you're the landslide ratings winner, you don't need to do anything. (I was glad that King of Queens was finally shown the door after nine riotously unfunny seasons.) In fact, the only real move they made was to move Shark, the only show I've watched on CBS with any regularity since The Flash got canceled, to the No Man's Land that is Sunday nights at 9c. Bad timeslot, but it's up against, well...nothing. (I like those odds!)

The biggest loser at the upfronts was Fox, which canceled all but one of its freshmen shows. (That's some quality programming.) And that one show is 'Til Death, because they're going to make Brad Garrett's post-Raymond career work, goddamnit! They also chose to move Bones to Friday, The Death Night, despite its decent ratings. And they renewed 24 for two more seasons, which includes an apparent retooling of the show, which I'm sure will effectively kill it (ala Alias). The only positive thing to come out of it is that some of their new shows appear promising, but Fox has always shown what they think of promising shows.

Speaking of which, they did make the ballsiest pickup of the year by bringing back King of the Hill, a show that they've attempted to kill for years, for a twelfth season. (Then again, they did re-up American Dad, so it just goes to show they'll pick up anything animated.)

Actually, I prematurely granted Biggest Loser status. That would be The CW, which canceled Reba, 7th Heaven, Veronica Mars, and Gilmore Girls, the only reasons that anyone watches The CW. I believe that cuts them down to about six hours of programming a week.

(It's also worth noting that, of all the new shows that premiered in '06-'07 that I actually liked, only two (Heroes and Shark) got renewed. I'd say I have bad taste, but I think we know better than that.)

Check back in September; we'll see how the whole thing shakes out.

Last Five Movies

Rabid Dogs (1974)
While not technically the last film directed by Mario Bava (that would be Beyond the Door 2), it did take nearly 25 years for it to see the light of day, due to the production going bankrupt and the negative going into hock. And now that it's been finished by his son Lamberto, I kinda wish he hadn't. It's more along the lines of something that lesser directors, like Lenzi or Fulci, would have directed; just not up to the standards of the Godfather of Italian Horror Movies.

Harsh Times (2005)
Yet another movie that I can understand why it sat on the shelf for so long. If seeing Christian Bale overact past the point of insanity is your idea of a good time, this is your movie. If not, don't bother.

The Ex (2007)
The second movie I've seen this year saved solely by the presence of Jason Bateman. I can only hope Scrubs is on for about another five years, because it will keep Zach Braff out of movies, where he clearly doesn't belong. It was nice to see Charles Grodin in a movie again, however.

The Entity (1981)
I didn't think there was enough material out there to make a two hour movie about ghost rape, but I've been proven wrong. And I wish that I'd been proven wrong that this movie was watchable. It's sad when the best part of the movie is Barbara Hershey's prosthetic nudity double. Classic stuff.

A terrible week for movies, but here it is:

28 Weeks Later... (2007)
This movie has two big problems: 1) It wasn't directed by Danny Boyle, and b) it wasn't written by Alex Garland. It was that duo that made the first film such an unexpected treat. This one was written by a slew of unknowns, and directed by a man who hasn't see a handheld jumpcut he didn't like. Still, it's entertaining, like when the US military firebombs London. And I found it humorous that the US military commander is played by a Brit (although I don't think anyone realizes that Idris Elba is actually British, so it doesn't matter). It's not as entertaining as the first one (and contains a particularly stupid role for Robert Carlyle), but it's still a virus-infected good time.

Check it out.

Eli Roth's Career Now Officially A Joke

Check out this clip (courtesy of G4) of Eli Roth at last week's Saturn Awards, and then come back.


Couple o' things:

When does making a movie entirely out of fake trailers (like those featured in Grindhouse) seem like a good idea? There's a half hour-long show on HDNet called Nothing But Trailers, that is...nothing but trailers: no commercials, no commentary, just trailers. A solid half hour block of trailers is about my tolerance level. And yet this idiot wants to make a 90 minute movie of fake trailers; wants to spend millions of dollars compiling a movie full of trailers (which most people hate) for movies that don't exist.

A better idea would be to make a compilation movie (ala Terror in the Aisles) of actual trailers from crappy grindhouse-era flicks. (Much like how Anchor Bay uses the original theatrical trailers for all of their "Coming Soon to DVD" featurettes.) But apparently Roth had such a good time making his Thanksgiving trailer for Grindhouse that he thinks a whole movie of the same might entertain others.

Which brings me to another point: When does it seem like a good idea to steal ideas from Quentin Tarantino? (While I can't confirm that the fake trailer idea in Grindhouse was his, it kinda has Tarantino written all over it.) How bad is your career when you steal ideas from one of the biggest plagiarist working today? Pretty bad, almost to the point where you should stop making movies, like, right now.

On a side note, the best thing about that clip is Greg Grunberg floating around in the background. You know it's a terrible interview when guys in the background are more interesting than the subject.

Terminator 4...Now With Less Arnold!

Some things just never die. And in the case of the Terminator franchise, they can't be destroyed either.

Earlier this week, it was announced that a production company named Halcyon was going forward with plans to produce a fourth Terminator movie. The catch? No Governator in this one.

In fact, none of the parties involved in the previous three films will be involved in this one. Not Schwartzengger, for obvious reasons; not James Cameron, who apparently doesn't make movies anymore; not Gale Anne Hurd, who's too busy with the Hulk remake to worry about this (Yes, that's right: The upcoming Incredible Hulk is not a continuation of Ang Lee's The Hulk); not even Mario Kassar and Andy Vajna, who loved the success they had with Terminator 2 so much that they independently financed the third movie.

And that's how this Halcyon Company ended up with the rights to the Terminator franchise: they bought them from Kassar and Vajna, who, I assume, are still hurting for money since they bankrupted Carolco. (And Basic Instinct 2 didn't exactly put them in the black.)

Of course, this may all change in time, and everyone may jump right on board. Except for Arnold, who will probably keep his post as Governor, rather than resign to play The Terminator again.

We shall see.

It's News To Me

I read on the front page of Yahoo! the other day that, after 25 years, British New Wave act New Order has decided to break up.

WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????!!!?!?!? New Order is still a band?!? The last thing I remember from them was "Bizarre Love Triangle," which came out when I was in middle school...and that was 20 years ago. Apparently, they've had some sort of secret existence since then, where only the "cool kids" who listened to them way back in the day are allowed to know they're still around. But now, the gig is up.

Learn something new everyday, I guess. Next, they're going to tell me Silverchair is still a band. That would be a laugh.

Pilot Season Starts Early

If you're a loyal watcher of Grey's Anatomy (as I tragically am), you may have noticed that the last episode was less about the shenanigans at Seattle Grace, and more about Addison's visit to a Los Angeles "wellness clinic." While it may seem like a bizarre one-off episode, there's a perfectly logical explanation.

It's a well-known fact that Kate Walsh, who plays Addison, is getting her own Grey's spinoff next year. And ABC, in its infinite wisdom, decided that they, rather than produce a separate pilot episode for that show, would just take their production budget for Grey's and use it to produce this pilot, and stick it right in the middle of a double-wide episode of Grey's.

It's actually a pretty brilliant idea, as Grey's has a built-in 20 million viewers who will watch every episode, regardless of its content, whereas this new show, well, might be watched by no one. (And, based on what I saw, I believe that might turn out to be true, because it was just not good.) So, 20 million people watched this "pilot," even if they did get duped into it, thinking it was just another episode of Grey's. It's an odd strategy, but goddamn if the numbers don't justify the means.

I did notice something odd about this pilot: almost the entire cast is made up of actors from recently canceled ABC shows. It's as though the producers went through all of ABC's open acting contracts, and said, "Well, we got Tim Daly and Taye Diggs and Francie from Alias still on the hook...look's like we got ourselves a cast!" (I fully expect to see guest appearances by Ericka Christensen and Jonathan Silverman if this show gets picked up.)

I'm sure when this show finally comes to be that it will suck. And be universally loved by Grey's fans.

Maybe.

Let The Summer Movie Pogrom Begin!

Friday marks the start of the Summer Movie Season, where the studios cram all of their movies that they think will make a ton of money. (It could more appropriately be called The Summer of Sequels, as the summer movie slate is composed almost entirely of sequels.) And while I understand why studios give this kind of release schedule to their blockbusters, I honestly think they could make more money by releasing them elsewhere in the year.

The poster child for this alternative release theory is Titanic, the highest-grossing movie of all time, pulling in $600 million in the U.S. alone. Titanic had an absolutely horrible release date, opening the week before Christmas, against Tomorrow Never Dies. (And Bond movies always make $100 million, regardless of their quality.) The weekend before Christmas always leads up to a short week, as movies the next week come out on Christmas Day, regardless of where it falls in the week. So, Titanic was basically set up to fail. But, it won the box office that first weekend, and proceeded to win every weekend until Summer Movie Season started.

Greatest movie ever? Hardly. (A two hour, godawful love story, followed by an hour-long sinking of the Titanic sounds like shit to me.) It won the box office every week because absolutely nothing opened against it. After 15 straight weeks at #1, the movie that knocked it from the top spot was Lost in Space. (Fucking Lost in Space. Talk about a pathetic year.) But, by that time, Titanic had already made $500 million, and nothing else came anywhere close. In fact, of the 70+ (!!) movies that came out during that time, only two made $100 million. Two. (A third, Good Will Hunting, was released before Titanic in limited release and went wide about a month later, and would go on to gross over $100 million.) As a comparison, in the following four months, more than 10 movies made over $100 million. But...that was Summer Movie Season, when all the money makers come out.

And that's how movies like Disturbia win the box office weeks in a row: there's nothing else worth watching opening against them. I enjoy watching movies in the theatre. I sometimes go to the movies just to go, if I can find something worth watching. I might go two, three times a weekend. Last weekend, I went to Hot Fuzz. Before that, Grindhouse on its opening day, 4/6. Before that, 300, a whole month going by. I'll watch anything, but I honestly don't see anything out there worth sitting through.

Yet the studios still insist on cramming all of their movies into the summer months, instead of spreading them out over the other nine. With all the shit that's come out so far this year, can you imagine how much money Spiderman 3 would have made had it come out last month? It'd be past $400 million and counting by now, instead of having basically two weeks to make all of its money before the Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean sequels cannibalize its box office. And this is the way things are done; makes perfect sense to me.

The only plus side to all this is that I can finally go back to the movies, as, well, it's when all the movies come out. I can't wait.

Law & Order Loses Another D.A.

Over its 17 year run, Law & Order has had three different actors play the New York City District Attorney: Steven Hill, who left the show after 10 years to pretty much retire from acting; Diane Wiest, who left the show to, I don't know, maybe win another Oscar; and current office holder Fred Thompson, who will more than likely leave the show to, of all things, run for President.

While this may seem like an big leap, to go from playing Arthur Branch on Law & Order to running for President, it's not much of a stretch for Thompson. When he first started on the show in 2002, he was the senior U.S. Senator from Tennessee (a post he held longer than his tenure on L&O). Actually, his political resume is more impressive than his acting resume, even though I don't think anyone remembers him being a former politician.

Not that Thompson will have to "resign" his fake office on Law & Order to run for a real one. Rumor has it that NBC is considering cancelling L&O, due to low ratings and high production costs, officially killing the 2nd longest-running show on TV.

Oh well. Good luck to Thompson on his Presidential bid, and may his legacy as one of NY's finest live on in syndication.