My Last Five Movies

In an earlier post, I said I'd let you know if I saw any movies that weren't complete shit. Well, as of yet, nothing. So, I'll just tell you about the last five movies I've seen.

Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow (2004)
Not really of much as a great movie as it is an insane technical achievement. This is probably the most technologically advanced independent movie of all time. The entire movie (sound, effects, production) was done in-house. With the exception of some props like ladders, doorways, etc, the entire movie was shot in front of a greenscreen, and all of the backgrounds were added in later. Something that looks like an office in the movie may actually just be a desk and a doorway, with all the walls and decorations added later. It's actually a really fucking cool way to make a movie. But enough of me beating off to the technical aspects of the movie: Is it any good? Well, it's enjoyable, and some of the robots are neat, but it's really nothing special. Ya know what actually ruined it for me? The fact that it was in color. If you're going to make a movie with an obvious retro look like this one, why not make it in black and white (the movie was actually shot in color, bleached to black and white, and then recolored)? It would have worked much better than the faded sepia tones it sports now. Other than that, it's pretty watchable.

SAW (2004)
What isn't watchable is this terrible movie. What was shown to be some sort of "New Wave of Horror" actually turns out to be an "Old Wave of Toilet Water". The idea of a serial killer who makes his victims kill themselves is a nice twist, but the fun stops there. I'm sure maybe this is a good movie, but there were so many annoying little things that maybe I got distracted from all the goodness. Why is Cary Elwes attempting an American accent? And what's up with him acting like one of the "Queer Eyes" whenever he talks on the phone (and especially at the end)? And what's up with Danny Glover grunting like a pig whenever he moves? And what was up with that embarrassing fast-motion chase scene? And what's up with this movie being so stupid? Beats the shit out of me, on all counts.

I "Heart" Huckabees (2004)
David O. Russell is a strange man. If you look at his filmography, he has all of these weird little movies about weird little things. His last film, Three Kings, is the most normal of the bunch, but compared to other movies of that type, it's really out there. So, he follows up a "normal" movie with what I will describe as one of the goofiest fucking things I have ever seen. To describe it, imagine a Charlie Kaufman movie without all the mindfucking. It's actually very similar in tone to Flirting With Disaster, another Russell movie, but with no real plot to speak of. It's basically Jason Schwartzman trying to figure out the Meaning of Life, with the aid of Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin, all while trying to keep Jude Law from destroying a beloved marsh by constructing a Walmart-esque Huckabees on it. I really can't describe it any more than that, as it's almost indescribable (the Kaufman element I spoke of; seriously, try to describe the plot of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). If there was an award show for acting like you'd just escaped from an asylum, this movie would win everything.

Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)
Remakes come in two forms: remakes of old movies that someone thinks they have a fresh take on (I don't see what kind of fresh take you can have on Revenge of the Nerds, but, sure as shit, it's coming), and remakes of foreign pictures that Americans wouldn't see otherwise (every movie to come out of East Asia in the last five years is being remade). I hate remakes. When you remake a movie, you don't want to pull a Van Sant and remake it frame for frame. So, you have to change something. And, invariably, the thing that gets changed is what made it good in the first place. Take this movie, for example. John Carpenter made this as an obvious homage to Howard Hawks' Rio Lobo and Rio Bravo (which were essentially the same movie). There's stuff in this movie that he steals directly from other Hawks movies. Plus, his movie was a low budget indie film with a no-name cast. And that's why his film works: it's a well-written, gritty movie with people who look like they may actually be going through this in real life. The remake is a loud, dumb action movie with a ridiculous plot, with a lot of big-name actors in some shit that would never happen in real life. Try this: when a movie comes out, go on IMDB and look up that movie's title. If your search results yield an older movie with that title, do yourself a favor and go see the original. I couldn't see how they could top on the original Dawn of the Dead, and, whadaya know, they didn't. They didn't do it with Precinct, either. Good flick, but not as good as...

Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion (1972)
I hate to come off sounding like a Tarantino wannabe, but I love Japanese exploitation flicks. Unlike American exploitation flicks, which just make me feel dirty, Japanese exploitation actually has a great degree of artistic merit to it. Oh sure, it's full of the same sort of debauchery as American exploitation, but it's so goddamned pretty that I want to cry. These movies are the bottom rung of the filmmaking ladder, but the cinematography and musical scores are better than what goes into mainstream American films.
The 70's were kind of a Golden Age for Japanese exploitation, as many Japanese studios were cranking out some grade-A material. The Female Prisoner series was one of the better entries in the field. It told the story of Scorpion, one of the meanest bitches to ever occupy a jailcell. She gets raped, kills, betrays, and escapes prison with the grace of Audrey Hepburn, all without saying a word. And that stare; she'd make anyone think twice attempting to touch her with a 50 foot pole. Scorpion was played by Meiko Kaji, who would go on to play Lady Snowblood. I wish we had actresses like this today; men would be completely scared of women. Outstanding flick, if not the Best Broads-Behind-Bars Movie Ever.