Going Totally Mental

I went into the movie Flightplan with a pretty good idea of how it was going to end. I didn't actually know, but, having seen the previews and understanding movie cliches and conventions, I had a pretty good idea of where it was going. And, as it turns out, I was about 90% right.

This is one of those "psychological thrillers", where all of the plot is derived from the fact that the main character may be having a psychotic break. (I wrote a post on this subject here.) The problem inherent with these types of movies is that you have two choices as to how to resolve that plot: a) the character is actually insane, or b) forces are conspiring to make the character seem crazy. The best way to resolve these movies is with (a), but most choose to go with (b), with terrible results.

Take The Forgotten, for example, where only Julianne Moore remembers that she once had a child. It may have been interesting to have her actually be delusional, but instead, they came up with an explanation of aliens changing history. That's some real bullshit.

But, even choice (a) can get fucked up. In Hide and Seek, a character's mental illness leads to the creation of a murderous alter ego, which is fine, except that the wrong character was mentally ill. (It also doesn't help that this movie has an Idiot Plot that could be resolved with this short Q&A session:
Father: "What does Charlie look like?"
Daughter: "Like you, daddy."
Father: "Am I Charlie?"
Daughter: "Yes."
And DeNiro is supposed to be a psychiatrist in that movie. Duuuh.)
Basically, what it comes down to is how well the film is made. You can fuck it up going either way, so you need to put some thought into how it's going to play out.

Which brings us back to Flightplan. Even though I went in pretty sure of how it was going to turn out, I didn't come out feeling like I'd been tricked. I didn't have a bunch of unanswered questions like, "Well, what about...?" or "Why didn't they...?", because the movie asks them before you think of them. They cover anything that might be a loophole. The plot doesn't cheat. It ends up in the only place it could have. It's an airtight movie that does exactly what it's supposed to. And for that, I commend it. (And recommend it.)

Skeletons In The Closet

Ya know what's funny? When someone gets famous suddenly, and then some shameless son of a bitch capitalizes on that person's fame. That's the only reason I can explain why Evangeline Lilly, who plays Kate on the big hit Lost, appears in an ad for Livelinks, a phone chat service. In fact, if you go to their website, she's plastered all over it. I see her using her "Lost fame" to move up the ladder, not plummet all the way to the bottom of it.

The problem with getting famous is that, at one time, you weren't famous. Remember when Vanessa Williams showed up in Penthouse after being crowned Miss America? Or those incredibly embarrassing (and borderline gay) photos of Brad Pitt that were in last week's Us?

But, in order to become known, you have to do things like that to get your face out there. Sure, George Clooney was on the first season of Roseanne, but now he thinks he's Jesus. My advice: Don't become famous. It will keep things like that ad for K-Y Jelly that you appeared in or that sex change operation you had out of the public eye.

What The Fuck Happened To Robert DeNiro?

This weekend, I watched the movie Heat again for about the millionth time. For those of you who have seen it, remember how cool Robert DeNiro was in that movie? Running down the street, carrying a dufflebag full of money, shooting at the cops with an AR-15? I'm sure this movie made people actually want to become bank robbers. That's how cool DeNiro is. And then, remember Ronin? Him hanging out the sunroof of a Mercedes, shooting a rocket launcher at the bad guys? How fucking awesome is that? And these were just cappers to one of the best careers in history.

And then something happened. And that something was Meet the Parents.

Suddenly, Bob is in all of these fucking comedies. And the movies that aren't comedies are still a joke. The great George Sanders killed himself shortly after making shit like Psychomania, yet Bob has managed to make it five years past playing Fearless Leader in Rocky and Bullwinkle. To quote Sam Jackson in Jackie Brown: "What happened to you, man? You used to be beautiful."

Bob: You have a career that most people only dream of. You're one of the most respected actors of your generation (if not ever). You have two Oscars, and like a million nominations. And yet, you feel the need to star in turds like Showtime. Your two Oscars exclude you from having to make movies like that. So what are you doing in them? Leave starring in 20 movies a year up to Jude Law. Don't take the first script that comes along every time, or else you'll have a career like Cuba Gooding, Jr's. (I'm sure there's a role for you in Boat Trip 2.)

Please, Bob, do it for your fans: Get in some better movies, or hang it up. It's getting embarrassing.

George Clooney: Never Been To Las Vegas

It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone now that George Clooney is working on opening a resort in Las Vegas. But, not just your typical shitty resort; he's got something special in mind.

"We have this romantic notion of a place where you put on a jacket or a dress to go to dinner," he's been quoted as saying. "We will have some sort of dress code so that it will feel like you are walking into a more formal Las Vegas of a different age or a classic Monte Carlo casino. I may be the novice of this group, but I have a good idea of what I like in Las Vegas, and it is all about class."

Maybe I'm missing something here. All of the times I've been to Vegas, I never noticed anyone worrying about "class". The last time I was there, I walked around for five days in shorts and a t-shirt, as did the other 100,000 or so people there, and no one seemed terribly offended. People don't go to Vegas to hang out at a five-star resort; they go there to see white tigers and pirate ships, and drop their second mortgage on the craps table. (You can go to Spago, which is slightly classier than the Sizzler, in jeans and a polo shirt and not feel out of place.)

My guess is that maybe George has never been to Las Vegas. (I realize that Ocean's Eleven takes place in Vegas, but that can all be faked in post-production.) If he had, he might notice that people are there to have a good time, not act like visiting dignitaries.

And this is the problem when assholes with money get some screwy idea about what people want. It's the reason why Tarantino made Kill Bill, and it's the reason Vegas is going to have a new resort that doesn't appeal to anyone but George Clooney.

So, George, you can hang out at Las Ramblas with the rest of the Ocean Gang in your tuxedos, and have a great fucking time. Me? I'll be playing blackjack in my swimtrucks at the Tropicana, and having a waaay better time.

The Second Coming Of Bush

Remember this post, where I commented on bands that break up and become other bands, and yet still sound like their former iterations? Well, it's happened yet again.

After Bush broke up in 2001, Gavin Rossdale pretty much went on to be Mr. Gwen Stefani. And, while not a bad position to be in, Gavin wanted to get the band back together. But, not Bush. What we end up with is Institute.

I've heard most of the tracks off their new record, Distort Yourself, and I can say this one thing about them: They're half Bush, and half not-Bush, which is not a bad thing.

While there's a couple of songs, like "When Animals Attack" and "Boom Box" that are very "Everything's Zen"ish, Institute mostly doesn't sound like Bush at all. I think it's got a lot to do with the fact that two leftovers from Helmet are on board: Chris Traynor on guitar, and Page Hamilton in the producer's chair. Apparently, they were the missing pieces to make Bush a good band. (It's of note that Rossdale is the only actual former member of Bush in the band.)

Hopefully, like that other great "mash up" band, Audioslave, Institute will stick around and put out more great records that sorta sound like someone else. Check it out.

Last Five Movies

Red Eye (2005)
Red Eye had an absolutely brilliant teaser trailer. It started with a scene where two people Meet Cute at an airport, only to keep bumping into each up to and onto the plane. And just when we think this is going to be a remake of Forces of Nature, the trailer goes black, except for that red eye. Great stuff. If only the actual movie had turned out to be as good as those two minutes. What starts off as a great first hour turns into a movie that literally anyone could have come up with. I don't even need to tell you what happens once they get off the plane; you already know. Yes, it's that predictable.

Ong-Bak (2003)
Remember the first time you saw a Jackie Chan movie? Not that shit he made once he defected to the States, but the stuff he made in Hong Kong. Remember that experience of "No fucking way did he just get run over by a hovercraft!"? Well, in the wake of Jackie Chan's recent lameness, Tony Jaa is trying to step into his shoes. Jaa does some things in this movie that are absolutely insane. And the fact that the fights don't appear to be fake at all (pretty hard to fake getting blasted in the face with a foot) only adds to the insanity. Unfortunately, whereas Chan's stunts, while elaborately planned and staged, actually appeared to be somewhat spontaneous, Jaa's stunts appear to be inserted into the movie just for the sake of showing some incredible stuntwork. If Jaa gets some decent producers, watch out; he may be our Next Action Hero.

Oldboy (2003)
It's nice to see South Korean cinema getting some recognition after years of being the redheaded stepchild of Southeast Asia. Oldboy was all the rage at Cannes (and, allegedly, almost won the Palm d'Or), and probably deserves to be. It's very well made and looks great. But the plot is so ridiculous that it pretty much ruins the movie. Unfortunately, it's so well made that you don't realize you've been had until the end, when the secret of the plot is revealed. A great try; check out Park's JSA instead. Much better movie.

Ravenous (1999)
I've seen lots of Cannibal Movies; maybe all of them. You start to miss them after a while, because it's been a dead genre for about 20 years. Needless to say, I was shocked and awed when Ravenous came out, because, well, it's a fucking Cannibal Movie. Who makes a Cannibal Movie in this day and age? Well, these guys, apparently. And what a movie they made! Gross and funny, with a plot that isn't just a delivery vehicle for the cannibal scenes. Probably the best Cannibal Movie ever. Seriously.

Love Ravenous, but it's hard to top on...

Lifeforce (1985)
Every so often, a movie comes along that takes everything and the kitchen sink, and crams it all into one movie. A recent example is Brotherhood of the Wolf, which was a Costume Drama, a Monster Movie, a Kung Fu Movie, and a Murder Mystery all rolled into one. That's a lot of shit to be in one movie. The same is true of Lifeforce. Tobe Hooper's second foray into big-budget filmmaking (behind Poltergeist, a movie I still believe was actually directed by Steven Spielberg) combines a Space Movie, a Vampire Movie, a Zombie Movie, and a Disaster Movie into one great flick. With all of these elements, it might sound like a trainwreck, but it's surprisingly well made; it actually appears as though they were trying to make a good movie. And the fact it stars Steve Railsback (who will always be Charles Manson in my eyes) only adds to the fun. Check it out.

The Un-Lost Ringu Sequel

I finally managed to see Rasen, the last of the Ringu movies. Rasen has been available on video since 1998, but never available with English subtitles. And since my understanding of the Japanese language doesn't go much farther than "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto," I was never able to watch it. But now that's it's available on region 1 DVD with Engrish subtitles, I was able to complete the Ringu Cycle. And now I see why it was never available to the English-speaking world.

Rasen is the sequel to Ringu. Both are adaptations of books by Koji Suzuki. The two were produced back-to-back, with almost the same cast and crew, and released almost simultaneously. The Japanese loved Ringu, and hated Rasen. The producers, rather than cut their losses and move on to the next sequel (which they eventually did), decided to bring the cast and crew back, and brought in Hideo Nakata, Ringu's director, to write and direct a remake of the sequel (much like what Warner Bros. did with Exorcist: The Beginning). Hence, Ringu 2 was born.

Much in the way that Ringu 2 and The Ring 2 start at the same source and go in different directions, Ringu 2 and Rasen do the same. Unfortunately, Rasen went in the wrong direction.

Rasen begins right after Ringu ends: with the discovery of Ryuji's body. Mitsuo, a friend of Ryuji's from medical school, is charged with performing the autopsy. During the autopsy and his conversations with Mai, Ryuji's girlfriend and the one who found his body, Mitsuo becomes entangled in the mythos of Sadako and the "video curse".

Now, this is a perfectly good setup for a movie. But Rasen chooses not to follow it. Nor does it bother to follow the pattern set by Ringu. Gone is the "video curse". Turns out the "curse" is actually a virus, contracted by watching the tape. And you needn't actually watch the tape to catch it; you can read about the tape and get it. In fact, you can have sex with someone who watched the tape and get it. And the whole cloning aspect of the virus is ridiculous. (This movie also makes the Duplicating Tape Error: If only two copies of the tape exist (the original and the copy that Reiko made, both of which remained in her possession), where do all of these extra copies come from? Every Ringu sequel, Japanese and American, makes this logical error.)

Oh, and remember Sadako? That nice ghost that caused this whole thing? After Mitsuo watches the tape, Sadako makes an appearance, and (here's where the movie makes its worst error) she's hot. AND naked. Hot, naked Asian chicks could make me do a lot of things, but being scared shitless is not one of them. Speaking of being scared shitless, you won't be while watching this movie, since it's about as scary as any given episode of Fraggle Rock.

After having seen this movie, it's no wonder people stayed away in droves. The sequel to one of the scariest movies in the past 10 years turns out to be something out of a Michael Crichton novel. And not a very good one, at that.

Not that Ringu 2 turned out to be any better, but at least it had the common decency to be scary.

For completists only.

"Gay Rights" Redux

A week ago, I posted on an Orbitz.com commercial which perpetuates every gay stereotype known to straight man. I saw this commercial again tonight, and noticed something I hadn't before. (The Girl, who had never seen the commercial before, sat silent for about 10 seconds, and then said, "Did they actually just say, 'The place for gay-friendly travel'?" Yes, ma'am, they certainly did.)

At the end of the commercial, at the bottom of the screen, is the address for this website. Go ahead and click it now, and then come back.








What.

The.

Fuck. Apparently, gay people don't want to go anywhere that straight people might want to go, so they have to have their own special travel site, so as not to be confused or included with straight people.

Nice. Bravo once again, Orbitz. And remember: keep your history straight and your nightlife gay.

"Worst Movie In History" Really Is Worst Movie In History

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No End To The Annoyingness

The Girl loves cooking shows; if she had her way, I believe she would watch the Food Network 24 hours a day. As we share a television, I am, at times, forced to watch these shows. Most of the time, I have no problem with these shows. They are informative, feature good food, and the host has a good personality. However, there are exceptions. (For a HUGE fucking exception, click here.)

One of those exceptions (and probably the most annoying) is Rachael Ray, the host of at least three shows on the Food Network. "But, what's wrong with Rachael," you ask? She's "spunky", makes good food, and has posed in FHM. What could possibly be wrong with her? Oh, where do I fucking start...

First off: that mouth; it's like her head is hinged at her spine, and she talks by flopping her head up and down, like Terrance and Phillip from South Park. A person could go crazy looking at that mouth, and from listening to what comes out of it. Her speaking voice and manner of speaking are brain rattling. She's the only cooking host I can think of that actually makes up words. And not made up in a clever way words; made up in an oh-please-kill-me-now way words. And then (if her whole head thing wasn't enough), there's her personality. She must snort at least a half pound of blow before each show, because she's as flighty as hell. Slow it down, sister; you've got a WHOLE half hour, not just six minutes. She's so perky, I could choke her.

And then there's the format of her showcase show, 30 Minute Meals. Instead of just having all of the ingredients needed ready and waiting on the counter, she goes around her fake kitchen and gets everything from her fake cupboards/fridge all at once, so by the time she gets back to the counter to start cooking, she's carrying a huge pile of shit. I don't ever remember seeing Emeril carting around a wheelbarrow full of ingredients, but I'm an idiot. Maybe I miss that part on every other cooking show on television. As she prepares her food, rather than disposing of refuse under the counter, as everyone else does, she throws it in a big bowl right there on the counter. So, at the end of the show, there's the food, and there's the trash right next to it. Yummy. Where's my fork?

Now, as with most things that I hate, I figured that my dislike of Rachael was being perpetuated by some misinformation from the voices in my head, like when they tell me to hit pedestrians in the crosswalk, or punch children in the head. But, as it turns out, I am not alone. There are splinter cells of fringe lunatics like myself all over the internet who would rather gouge their eyes out then have to watch $40 A Day. Here's a small sampling:

Rachael Ray Sux
I Hate Rachael Ray
Rachael Ray Rules' Journal
Rachael Ray Drinking Game

And those are just the sites dedicated to hating Rachael; there are plenty of message boards out there that have some great things to say.

I know I shouldn't hate people I don't even know, but if I have to look at that Joker mouth one more time, I may very likely commit suicide. And if that's not a reason to hate someone, I don't know what is.

What Do These Guys Have In Common:

Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Jason Giambi?

Give up?

They are all All-Star caliber suspected (or confirmed) steroid users, and they all wear the number 25. Coincidence? No way. Dopers love the 2-5.

Totally Random Thought

I heard an ad on the radio the other day for a band that was billed as a "hot new punk-pop act." And, of course, the song played in the commercial was totally gay. It did not make me want to rock out with my cock out.

It did, however, make me realize how inane the concept of "punk pop" is. Take any punk pop band. Here's a bunch of guys who look like the opening act of a Ramones show at CBGB, and sound like an Air Supply cover band.

Yeah, you guys are "punk" alright. PunkASSES!

Don't Quote Me On This One

Since the American Film Institute recently published their list of the
100 Greatest Movie Quotes, I thought maybe I should point you towards the 70 Most Profane Movie Quotes. Give it a look.

Top 70 Profane, Rude or Inappropriate Movie Quotes (Courtesy of Crushed By Inertia)

Putting The Gay Rights Movement Back A Million Years

So, there's this commercial for Orbitz.com, the online travel service. The commercial is set up like a gameshow, with Wink Martindale hosting. The object of the game is to see who can book a vacation faster: someone using Orbitz or someone using some other online service. Everyone's seen this commercial; it's on all the time.

Well, there's another one out there. In this commercial, the contestants are, let's say (because I don't remember), an architect, and a pair of gay men. The object of this commericial's contest is to find a) a hotel b) in San Francisco c) with a gym. The gay men are using Orbitz, so, of course, they find the hotel in record time. (Actually, one finds it while the other stands behind him and plays with his partner's ears.) To summarize: Two gay men are able to find a hotel in San Francisco with a place they can work out faster than someone who's apparently not gay.

So, now we need commercials to perpetuate gay stereotypes? I thought that's what Will and Grace and LOGO were for. (I've never actually watched LOGO, but seeing as it's stuck right in the middle of all my movie channels, I see what's playing on it whenever I look at the cable guide. And all of their programming is pretty much what people would suspect is on a gay network.)

Bravo, Orbitz, for confirming everything straight people think about gay people. Take a bow.

And speaking of perpetuating stereotypes, there a commercial for Burger King's Chicken Fries, in which a "unit" of black people go around spreading the word about Chicken Fries to other black people.

Classy. No word yet as to how Burger King will promote its new Watermelon Shake. (Seriously, ad people must be fucking insane. I'm sure there's a class action lawsuit somewhere in the works on this.)

Last Five Movies

Been a while since I did one of these.

Wedding Crashers (2005)
You'd think a movie with Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Christopher Walken would be some seriously funny shit, wouldn't you? I mean, these guys don't even have to do anything and they're funny. That's why it's astounding that Wedding Crashers isn't funny. Oh, it is funny at times, but, just when it's like five seconds away from becoming absolutely fucking hilarious, that dude who played Will on Alias beats someone up, or one of the girls speaks, and the movie comes to a screeching halt. Seriously, get rid of all the excess plot, and just let these guys riff. Now that would be a movie.

The Hunger (1983)
An absolute trainwreck of a movie that is essential viewing for two reasons: Dick Smith's awesome old-age makeup on David Bowie, and the lesbian sex scene between Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon. There's a reason why no one knew who Tony Scott was before he directed Top Gun, and this is it.

Premature Burial (1962)
It's funny that Roger Corman is seen as a hack director. Let's take a movie like, let's say, Guess Who. Probably had a budget of about $40 million, has boring, uninspired sets, a screenplay probably written by a preschooler, and probably took a month or two to film. Then, you look at Corman's Premature Burial, which had a budget of less than $100,000, has beautiful Victorian sets, a story by Edgar Allen Poe, and took 10 days to film. And it's the better movie by at least a factor of 10,000,000. This guy was literally throwing together films that are better than 95% of the movies made today. Hack, my ass; this guy's a fucking genius.

The Wolf Man (1941)
One of the All-Time Classic Horror Movies. Also the movie that launched Lon Chaney Jr.'s attempt to take over his father's moniker of "The Man of 1000 Faces." (The fact that Lon Jr. had no talent whatsoever kinda killed that, but who else can say they played Frankenstein, Dracula, the Mummy, and the Wolf Man in their career?) A great film, with an (at the time) all-star cast, and some of the funniest transformation scenes ever.

Wolf Man is great, but the winner is...

Used Cars (1980)
Bob Zemeckis' first venture into "big budget" filmmaking, this is the movie that Wedding Crashers should've been. Sure, there's a plot here, but not enough to get in the way of these guys being the biggest assholes in the used car business. Mean spirited and played from the hip, this is one of the funniest movies of the early 80's. Gerrit Graham coming inches from being hit by a car and not breaking character for a second is one of the classic bits in film history. Check it out. "Fifty bucks never killed anybody."

The Woman Scorned

Well, today marks the publication of the Jennifer Aniston tell-all Vanity Fair article. And by "tell-all", I mean "nothing gets said at all". No talk of adultery, no breakup fights, no angry allegations; only what it's like not being with Brad Pitt.

I've known who Jennifer Aniston was since she was on The Edge, so, basically her entire career. She's always seemed like a nice person any time I've seen her on television. I feel bad for her that it didn't work with Brad, who, on the other hand, seems like he's a bit of a nutjob. (It's rumored that James LeGros' character in Living in Oblivion was based on Brad Pitt, and I have no problem believing that.) Oh well; que sera, sera.

However, I also feel sorry for Brad, because, if this deal with Angelina doesn't work out for him, he's pretty much fucked in the relationship department, as every girlfriend he's ever had has been an upgrade from the previous one. Not much to upgrade to from Angelina Jolie. Maybe if Oprah looked like Halle Berry or Beyonce, that would be a possibility. But that ain't gonna happen. He should probably kill himself while he's still living the good life; better to go out on top than the bottom. Or before Jennifer really gets pissed and lets go with all the shit we really want to hear. I can't wait.

The Greatest Comedian Ever

Dane Cook is, by no means, a household name. When you think "stand-up comedian", the first name in your mind is not "Dane Cook". Yet, somehow, Dane managed to drop an atomic bomb on the Billboard charts by debuting fourth last week.

When was the last time you bought a comedy record, much less enough copies to put it at number four? Larry the Cable Guy, whom everyone knows, debuted his record at seven earlier in the year. The only person to put a comedy album higher on the chart than Dane is Steve Martin, who's wild-and-crazy famous. You may not know who Dane Cook is yet, but you will. Trust me.

By the way, funniest bit on Retaliation: Dane naming his first child "Rrrrrrrrrr". "RRRRRRRRRRRR!! I SAID NO COOKIES!!!"

Mel Gibson Is Jesus

Check out this story, where the people of Sydney have asked Mel Gibson to recreate the crucifixion of Christ for a Catholic celebration they will be holding in 2008.

Feel free to call me on this if I'm speaking out of line, but isn't this the craziest fucking thing that anyone has ever come up with? And when did Mel Gibson suddenly become the leading religious authority on Christ's crucifixion? As far as I can tell, all the guy did was read The Book and then make a movie about it. And this makes him The Guy to do this incredibly insane thing? Monty Python (kinda) made a movie about the Crucifixion; why weren't they consulted? And I know that I've read the book The Bone Collector, AND seen the movie, but I don't know shit about quadriplegic detectives. What's next, James Cameron being consulted to recreate the sinking of the Titanic at the 2012 100 year anniversary? (Actually, that's kind of an unfair comparison, as Cameron probably is one of the leading authorities on the Titanic. Shit, the last time he recreated "The Sinking," it won 11 Oscars.)

Mind you, all of this is just in the negotiation phase. Hopefully, Mel will see the Light and take a pass on this. I'm sure there are plenty of Catholics who would appreciate him not turning the Death of Jesus into a traveling roadshow.

Malls Of America

As someone who grew up in a city with three dead malls, and another that just remodeled its 70's interior, I'm fascinated by these websites. Who knew the fucking mall could be so interesting (and ugly)?

Malls of America

Dead Malls

Weekend At The Movies

Not that I tried to see all the movies that came out last weekend; it just worked out that way.

When I heard that there was a movie called The Island in production, I thought that Hollywood had hit the bottom of the remake barrel, and was remaking the Michael Caine pirate movie of the same name. I was relieved to find out this was not the case, but was no less comforted by the fact that the Anti-Christ himself, Michael Bay, was directing. Bay's previous directorial and producing endeavors have been box-office hits, at the cost of any artistic integrity or intelligence. In other words, Bay makes big, dumb movies that people love. So, needless to say, I approached Bay's Island with a bit of trepidation.

If you've seen any previews or heard anything about the movie, you know the plot involves Ewan and Scarlett being on an island, and then not being on an island. There's actually a lot more to it than that, but I'll leave it at that.

First things first: This is honestly not the worst movie I have ever seen. This was surprising, as Bay is one of those directors that can top himself in awfulness every time out. (I thought it was impossible to top the embarrassment that was Armageddon. Then I saw Pearl Harbor, and stood corrected.) Bay has made a film that is actually watchable. Sure, it's big and loud like all his other movies, but is not as dumb as it should be. In fact, only the second half is big and loud, as the first half is a fairly decent suspenser about the true nature of "The Island." Bay even seems to have dialed down his usual explosions in favor of some decent action scenes. (People may think that a flatbed loaded with train wheels is rather ridiculous, but any hobo will tell you they see them all the time.) Even the ending isn't as ridiculous as it should be, although though there are some touches of that You're-going-to-cry-even-if-I-have-to-kick-you-in-the-balls sentimentality at the end.

So, why is this "decent" Michael Bay, as opposed to "complete shit" Michael Bay? I would say the absence of usual producing partner Jerry Bruckheimer has something to do with it. Bruckheimer loves "big and dumb," and was apparently too busy developing more spinoffs of CSI to be involved in this. His presence is not missed, as it appears to have made this movie more enjoyable.

It's a tragedy that this movie is turning out to be a major flop (I saw it opening night, and I was one of five people in the theatre), as it is the best movie Michael Bay has ever made. Which ain't saying much, but it's something.

The other movie I saw this weekend, about which I can't say enough, is The Devil's Rejects, Rob Zombie's pseudo-sequel to his House of 1000 Corpses. I really didn't know what to think going into this one. Corpses sat on the shelf for three years before it was released, not only because it was mercilessly grim and violent, but because it was a shitty movie. (Sitting on the shelf is the fate of many a shitty movie. Witness all the shitty Vin Diesel movies that came out after the success of XXX. They were all "off the shelf".) So, what did Zombie do in the five years since his last movie making endeavor? Apparently, he learned how to make a good movie. ("Good" is a subjective term here, kinda like, "It's good I only lost one eye in that explosion.")

The plot, which is nearly non-existent, revolves around the surviving members of the Firefly family running from the vengeful brother of the cop they killed in Corpses. Along the way, they kill some people, kidnap others: just the usual fun stuff that families do on a roadtrip.

Lots of "genre" movie fans lined up to see Tarantino's Kill Bill, because it promised to be an homage to all of these genre films. And it was. But he tried to cram so many genres into two movies (anyone who believes that Kill Bill, Vols. 1 & 2 were ever one movie is an idiot) that it turned into a jumbled mess. It's a lot of shit to throw against the wall, and not much of it stuck.

Zombie chose another route, and just went with one genre: the "Classic" 70's Exploitation Film. No samurais, no zombies, just pure sex and violence, with no plot to get in the way. (A lot of 70's exploitation films featured samurais and zombies, but their plotlines actually consisted of more than sex and violence.) And it's pretty obvious that Zombie is a big fan and has seen all of these movies, because he slam dunks it. Everything is spot-on perfect. He even knows how to lighten the proceedings by throwing in some clever in-jokes. If only Tarantino were this smart.

Now, it may sound like I'm recommending this, but I'm not. In fact, if you don't enjoy movies like Last House on the Left and I Spit On Your Grave, you should avoid this movie like poison. It's not for the squeamish. But, if you're a 70's Tobe Hooper or Wes Craven fan, get in line. You won't be disappointed.