I Can Think Of Better Punching Bags Than This

Early news reports are coming out that Girls Gone Wild idiot Joe Francis was involved in an altercation this morning in which he allegedly punched out 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole. He also got into a scuffle with Nicole's boyfriend, celebrity-wannabe douchebag Brody Jenner.

Seeing as Francis is constantly in trouble, you would think that assault and battery would finally lead to some hard time for him. But this happened in L.A., so the worst punishment he'll get for beating up a woman is about 17 minutes of community service. It's a shame this didn't happen in Las Vegas, where Francis is currently facing tax evasion charges. They'd take him out front of the Bellagio and drown him in the fountain.

Seeing as they managed to put O.J. away, getting rid of a punk like Francis would be a cakewalk.

Oh, and in late-breaking celebrity news, DJ AM, who survived a plane crash almost a year ago, was found dead in his apartment from an apparent drug overdose.

Guy walks away, mostly intact, from a fucking plane crash, and he hasn't got sense enough to reprioritize his life and get off the smack. This is like celebrating winning the lottery by laying down in front of an oncoming train.

I'm willing to bet some of the dead victims of that crash wish they still had lives to throw away.

The Greatest Show Ever?

As I mentioned in my earlier review of ABC's new shows, ABC's Crash Course, which debuted last night, is probably one of the best shows on TV right now. I realize that it's only aired one episode, but, if you've seen what's currently on TV, you'll know this isn't a real stretch of a claim.

I enjoy that the show is nothing more than possibly-fatal car crashes. I also enjoy that the production makes good use of The Raceway at Belle Isle Park, which has been sitting vacant since the IRL put the Detroit Belle Isle Grand Prix on hiatus. And, unlike every other competition show on TV, the hosts/judges aren't there to fawn over the contestants; they're there to mercilessly make fun of them. (Orlando Jones' impression of Roommate Ty is priceless.)

If you missed it, you can check it out at ABC On Demand, and you can watch subsequent episodes Wednesdays at 8:00c.

I'll be tuned it; you should be, too.

The New Disappointment By Quentin Tarantino

Because I'm too burned out by the experience (read: lazy) to write a 5000 word diatribe about the mess that is Inglourious Basterds, I'll do as I've done in the past and refer you to Nick Digilio's review of the movie. I agree with almost everything Nick and his callers say about the film, except, whenever Nick uses "like" and "love" or any other positive words, replace those words with "hate" and "abhor" and other words of scorn.

I hate to say it, as I really wanted to like this movie, but Basterds isn't even entertaining as the 1978 Italian movie from which it steals its incorrectly-spelled name.

And that movie is TERRIBLE.

ABC's Fall Lineup

I recently had the opportunity to check out the majority of ABC's new fall shows. My thoughts on what I saw:

V
A "reboot" of the Marc Singer vehicle from the '80s. Anyone (like myself) who was a fan of the original series will like this. And, seeing as her character has apparently been killed off of Lost, I'm just happy to see Elizabeth Mitchell is still on the tele.

Cougar Town
There are the makings of a good show somewhere in this mess, but, in its current form, it's just that: a mess. Imagine Sex in the City in the suburbs, and you have some idea of what this show wanted to be.

Modern Family
A documentary-style show about three interrelated families is the funniest show I've seen since 30 Rock. It's a shame that show creator Chris Lloyd couldn't get his Fraiser star Kelsey Grammer in this, because he's stuck on...

Hank
...which is one of the least-funny shows I've ever seen. If this was on CBS, which airs nothing but shitty "laff track" sitcoms, I would be a big hit. But...it's on ABC, where it will bomb.

The Middle
And Grammer's Back to You co-star Patricia Heaton is stuck in this equally unfunny mess. It will also quickly disappear.

Eastwick
I couldn't quite make sense out of why ABC would make a show out of 25-year old literary property. I figured that maybe they were capitalizing on the fact that John Updike published The Widows of Eastwick (the sequel to The Witches of...) shortly before his death earlier this year. But, having watched the show, I realize that it's an adaptation of the movie, as the creators were apparently too lazy to actually read the book and just watched the Cliff Notes instead. Well, I've seen the movie; no reason for me (or you) to watch this.

The Forgotten
It's not a good sign when the network recasts and reshoots the pilot of a show, as they did with this one. I suspect it will last as long as Life on Mars, the last show they did this to. And I wish that Michelle Borth was still starring in Tell Me You Love Me instead of this garbage.

FlashForward
A show in which everyone on the planet blacks out for two minutes and gets a two-minute glimpse of their lives six months in the future. An interesting show, even if it does steal its premise from a Vonnegut novel. It's odd seeing Seth MacFarlane in a non-Family Guy context, though. Maybe he's come up with something to fall back on for when Fox smartens up and cancels all of his shitty shows.

Crash Course
This is basically a real-life version of Burnout 3. The most entertaining part is co-hosts Dan Cortese (!!) and Orlando Jones ripping on the contestants. I absolutely fucking HATE reality competition shows, but I will watch this, because the possibility of someone actually dying seems pretty likely.

All-around, a decent lineup. I think ABC will do well this year, considering what Fox will be putting on the air.

The World's Greatest Douchebag Reports For Practice

The above picture is not a Photoshop like we've seen in the past, as Brett Favre is now officially a Minnesota Viking. It ends literal months and months of speculation as to whether Favre would return to football.

This completes Favre's transition to football's biggest asshole. Most people would say Michael Vick had that honor, but Vick isn't a legendary football player and his shithead behavior had nothing to do with football. Favre, however, is quickly flushing his legacy as one of football's greatest quarterbacks right down the toilet. He's become the Roger Clemens of football, using his legendary status to carpetbag his way into jobs. He even pulled the same dickhead maneuver of conveniently waiting until training camp was over before deciding to sign with the Vikings. In fact, the only difference is that Clemens' steroid-aided performance actually kept him in top form, whereas Favre should have actually retired when he first retired two years ago.

With this latest development, I'm not sure if it's safe for Favre to travel to the state of Wisconsin. When the Vikings play the Packers in Green Bay, I'm almost positive the fans will destroy the stadium while trying to kill Favre. The booing will be audible throughout the state, probably even into Illinois and Michigan. And I'd imagine the fans would make the trip to games in Minnesota so that they could boo him there as well. I've never seen a sports figure who has gone from beloved to absolutely hated by his former fans this badly before.

I myself am not a Packers fan, and I've always hated Favre, so, needless to say, I'm loving this. I can't wait for the season to start.

A Wisconsin Legend Dies

I thought I'd mention the passing of Milwaukee native Les Paul, who died today from pneumonia at age 94.

Depending on who you talk to, Les Paul invented the electric guitar. The Gibson guitar model that still bears his name is one of the most-used and -recognizable in music today. In addition to his innovation in guitars, he is also credited with inventing multi-track recording, a technique that has been used on almost every single record ever made since.

Paul remained active in music until the end, still gigging in his 90s. He was one of the elder statesmen of music, joining guys like Leo Fender and Jim Marshall, who, from an equipment standpoint, basically invented the sound of rock music.

If you happen to be in Milwaukee, stop by the Discovery World Museum and check out the Les Paul exhibit. It's the perfect way to celebrate the life of a true musical genius.

The De-Illustrated Woman

Just for the sake of curiosity, I thought I'd publish this photo of tattoo artist Kat Von D without any of her tattoos. The picture is from an ad for concealer from her makeup line at Sephora.

Ya know, once you get all that shit off her, as she is literally tattooed from head to toe in real life, she's really quite attractive. Maybe she should consider modeling her concealer on a full-time basis.

Just an idea.

Whadaya Know: Another Remake

It's been 22 years since the release of The Stepfather, so obviously it's time for a remake, because 20 years seems to be the magic number of years between original and remake.

And now that it's a done deal, there's a trailer. And, based on this trailer, I can see that all of the modifications the producers have made to make this seem like an "original" concept have made for an absolutely awful movie.

The worst mistake appears to be that they've cast Dylan Walsh in the title role. I know he plays a bit of an asshole on Nip/Tuck, but he's just not psychotic stepfather material. Dylan Walsh is the guy you cast as the cuckold boyfriend/fiancée/husband of the female lead in a romantic comedy. Terry O'Quinn, who played this role in the original, was perfectly cast. In fact, had that not been one of his first starring roles, I'd say he was being typecast, because, well, he is that guy. An actor like Christopher Meloni, who just oozes menace, who's actually even IN this movie, would have been a much better choice. (Anyone who's seen his work in Oz can attest to this.)

They also appear to have changed the stepdaughter of the original into a stepson, which eliminates the whole creepy "daddy's little girl" vibe, as well as the possibility of a gratuitous Amber-Heard-nude-in-the-shower scene. (Here's what she looks like nude, so I've saved you the trouble even if she was nude in it.)

And it appears to rather plainly be a shitty remake of a vastly superior original, a near crime against humanity. I've posted here before that the original is one of my favorite movies, and remaking it really sticks in my craw. While it is possible to remake a film on par with the original (John Woo's The Killer is a great remake of Melville's Le Samouraï; Walter Hill's The Driver is not), I don't think this is the case here. Just another example of Hollywood being about five years away from producing nothing but remakes.

The only positive I can see coming out of this whole thing is that it may spark interest in the original and cause it to finally be released on DVD. (The VHS has been out-of-print for a number of years.) Hopefully, everybody can hold out until that happens and see the good version of this movie instead of this reheated crap.

Last Five Movies

Funny People (2009)
In the past few weeks, I've called into question Judd Apatow's pedigree as a comedic genius. After having seen Funny People, I call it into question even more. Whereas his previous writer/directorial efforts have been "laff riots," this is a much more somber film. It IS funny, but it's hard to maintain a fun mood in a movie about introspection before death. He also makes the mistake that he made in Knocked Up by giving all the funny parts to the supporting actors instead of the leads. And he makes the Reality Bites Error, by forcing the girl to desire the wrong guy. And, Jesus Christ, is this ever a long movie. Let's hope his next effort returns to his previous form and doesn't continue on this current not-as-funny path.

Moon (2009)
Zowie Bowie (who now goes by his birth name of Duncan Jones) gives us his take on Silent Running and 2001. An odd movie. Good, but odd.

Public Enemies (2009)
Michael Mann's historically inaccurate depiction of the final years of John Dillinger's life, filmed right here in Wisconsin. (Oddly enough, this is also the movie that made Governor Jim Doyle consider repealing the tax credit for movies shot in the state. This state's economy is worse than California's, and our governor wants to shut out a multi-billion dollar industry. Brilliant!) While it's extremely well-made on all fronts, it seems very long and drags at times. But all of Mann's films are like this, and that hasn't stopped me from buying the videos of every movie he's made in the past 15 years.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
One of the slew of gonzo low-budget horror movies that came out in the late '80s. Having seen it, I can't even begin to imagine what made me want to watch it in the first place.

I'd say to start marking up your Oscar ballots, but it's a little too early...

The Hurt Locker (2009)
Katherine Bigelow's first worth-while movie since Strange Days. It's brilliant in that it makes a statement about war without resulting to the political bashing that muddies the waters of the genre. Well-made, well-acted, well-directed; just all-around well. Easily the best movie I've seen this year.

Check it out.

The Inside Scoop On The Three Stooges

If you don't listen to Howard Stern, chances are you missed "The Three Stooges: The Lost and Found Interviews," in which a 16-year old Tom Bergeron interviewed Stooges Moe Howard and Larry Fine shortly before their deaths.

It's really some pretty interesting stuff. There aren't many taped interviews with the Stooges, and to hear them talk about their careers, particularly Moe, who was in his 70s at the time and had total recall of his career. It's also somewhat startling to realize that, even though they made 200 films, the Stooges didn't make a nickel in royalties and mostly died destitute.

If you missed it, they're replaying it on Howard 100 on Sirius XM radio; you can check the schedule on Stern's website.

This Hunk Brings CRAZY Traffic To My Site

I'm usually not one to toot my own horn, but, if you Google the term "Jeff Bagwell divorce," this site is the second search result.

Don't believe it? Check it out.

The search references this post, which, oddly enough, really has nothing to do with Jeff Bagwell OR his divorce. It's also odd that some sport or gossip site wouldn't be higher than my rant-o-rama, as, well, they actually cover stories like this.

But, nope. It's HowardStern.com and then me (and the Stern post doesn't have anything to do with Bagwell or his divorce either).

While I appreciate that Google is directing traffic to my site through this odd search, I think they may want to work on their algorithms a little. I think most people will be disappointed with the results they get.

P.S. It's worth noting that neither Yahoo nor Bing make this same error. They actually refer stories about Jeff Bagwell's divorce. And yet Google is #1 in search.

Go figure.

Heeeeere's Raaaaaaaandy!

I know that people think Judd Apatow is a comedic genius, that everything he touches is comedic gold. I'll admit that Apatow does have a talent with comedy, and that he's got a good eye for talent.

But I'm also extremely sceptical, because, if you look at his entire filmography, he's got more misses than hits, and they're BAD misses. (Oh, and he stole the entire online marketing campaign for Funny People from Ben Stiller.)

Now, there's something else that makes me doubt Apatow's comedic credibility. In an interview, Apatow claimed he's working on a script for a full-length feature for Randy, one of the minor characters in Funny People. For those of you not familiar with the internet phenomena that is Randy, just Google "Raaaaaaaandy" (with eight "A"s), and you'll be referred to a plethora of Funny or Die clips of Randy in action.

THIS is what Apatow wants to make a movie out of.

I get the joke: Randy isn't supposed to be funny. I mean, he's a comedian with a DJ, for Christ's sake. His non-hilarity is what's funny. But it's not. It's not funny at all, even in a not-supposed-to-be-funny way. And yet, based upon the response to this 15 or so minutes of footage about as funny as brain surgery, Apatow thinks Randy would be a good subject for a movie.

Ya know, Lorne Michaels has been doing this exact same thing for 20 years, turning sketches into full-length features, and everyone thinks he's an idiot. Judd Apatow wants to do the same thing with material that's not as funny as any given sketch of Mary Katherine Gallagher, and people thinks it's a brilliant idea. Add to that the fact that Randy is played by a douchebag who
can't tell the difference between a standard movie screen and one that's three stories tall, and I think you have the making of a movie that will replace Walk Hard as the biggest turd in Apatow's filmography.

But...what do I know. I'm sure it will be hilaaaaaaaarius.

What I'm Reading

A couple of months back, I mentioned that I was so soured on reading that I was watching whatever I could find on TV. Now, we've reeeeally reached the dog days of TV, the point between the end of the summer shows and the start of the fall shows. So, I've fallen back on books. And I've managed to knock down quite a few so far (but nowhere near my record of 13 books during the three months of summer).

Here's a couple of things you can read during the waning summer months:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy
I realize that this won the 2007 Pulitzer Prize for fiction, but it's really a slog. Admittedly, I'm only about halfway through, but, fuck, this is a tough read; it makes Crime and Punishment seem like an easy beach read. There's a movie version of this coming out in the fall, and there's also a number of ripoff versions (like Book of Eli and Carriers) coming out as well. What the ripoffs seem to get is that just having people wander around in a post-apocalyptic world is boring, and that adding action scenes considerably livens up the proceedings. I wish McCarthy had realized that before he wrote this. To quote Homer Simpson: "That's boring. You're boring everybody! QUIT BORING EVERYONE!!"

Rollie's Follies by Rollie Fingers
A book of anecdotes from baseball Hall of Famer Rollie Fingers. This is really an enjoyable read, as, unlike most books written by sports figures, it has almost nothing to do with Rollie Fingers. It's just Rollie riffing on a bunch of obscure facts and figures from the history of baseball. It's an interesting and easily-digestible read; I read it in six days, entirely on the toilet.

Clint Eastwood: A Biography by Richard Schickel
The definitive Eastwood biography from an admitted Eastwood fan. It's a must-read for Eastwood fans, as it goes into great detail in all aspects of Eastwood's life, particularly in the making of all his films. And full cooperation by Eastwood helps greatly. Mind you, this book only covers Eastwood's life through Bridges of Madison County, but, hell, covering the first 40 years of a guy's career is plenty.

Road Dogs by Elmore Leonard
Even at 83, Elmore Leonard still cranks out a book a year. And, even at 83, he makes the tough guy dialogue that Quentin Tarantino tries to oh-so-unconvincingly emulate seem effortless. I hope he writes until he's 100, because it'll be a great blow to literature once he's done.

Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way by Bruce Campbell
Bruce Campbell's tell-all of the making of the Mike Nichols' film Let's Make Love. This book would be a scandal-maker on the level of You'll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again...if only a single word of it were true. Campbell has completely fabricated the movie, the making, even his own prima donna behavior. He's actually a pretty good writer, coming up with such a detailed and interesting story; it makes you wonder if he hasn't wasted his career playing second-banana to Sam Raimi.

But, after having read all of these great pieces of literature, the best thing I've read so far this summer was a bumper sticker that read, "Republicans for Voldemort."

That's some funny shit.

Eloquence Not A Hall Of Fame Criterion

If you weren't lucky enough to be able to go to Cooperstown for this weekend's Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony, chances are you missed Rickey Henderson's semi-literate induction speech. Here's an entertaining excerpt:



It's a good thing that Henderson's bona fides as the best lead-off hitter in the history of baseball is enough to get him into the Hall of Fame, because his inability to speak the English language certainly wouldn't put him in.

The story of John Olerud's batting helmet gains more credibility every time I watch this.

BTW, The Hall of Very Good has been Hall of Fame-crazy the past week, so check 'em out if you're a Hallophile.

The Rock Of Ages

In my quest to see bands that I missed in their heyday 20 years ago, I went to a Def Leppard concert this weekend. Poison, another first, and Cheap Trick, whom I'd seen twice before, opened.

It was nice to see all these bands who have been around 20-30 years out there with their original lineups, still playing together after all these years. (Well, that's not entirely true in the case of Def Leppard, but Steve Clark's death precludes him from touring, so that's all right.) And it's actually a bit of an oddity for them to do so, because there are a lot of big-name bands out there from the '70s and '80s who aren't touring in their original iterations. Journey is without the services of long-time vocalist Steve Perry. Foreigner is basically Mick Jones and a bunch of guys he picked up along the way. Styx makes due by not playing the homo songs that Dennis DeYoung wrote before they kicked him out of the band. Dokken has been a revolving door of guitarists since George Lynch left. Ozzy Osbourne isn't on speaking terms with the original Blizzard of Ozz band. Even Van Halen hasn't toured with its original lineup for 25 years. The fact that Cheap Trick and Poison are still playing with their original lineups says a lot about these bands. And I'm willing to grant an "original lineup" exception to Def Leppard, since "new guy" Viv Campbell has been with the band for 17 years. (Much like how Brian Johnson is the "new guy" in AC/DC, even though he's been with the band for nearly as many years as Bonn Scott lived.)

The funny thing about these bands is that they outlived the thing that destroyed them. When Nevermind came out in '91, the music world changed, and all of the hard rock and glam metal bands that had dominated the previous decade just fell off the planet. Suddenly, alternative rock was the big thing. (I've always been been bothered by the connotation of "alternative" rock, because, when an "alternative" band is more popular than its "mainstream" counterparts, exactly what is it alternative to?) But, 15 years later, of all the big-name bands that dominated the '90s, only two still exist: Pearl Jam and Stone Temple Pilots (who just got back together after a decade-long hiatus). Everyone else faded to black. (I don't include Alice in Chains here, even though they're giving it a try with a new lead singer, as, truth be told, they're a heavy metal band who just happened to have the right sound at the right time and were lucky enough to get lumped in with the rest of the grunge ilk.)

The fact that people actually still go to see Poison and Def Leppard tells me that these bands never ceased being popular; they were merely waiting for the "alternative" thing to die down. As bands that now make most of their money from touring, I'd say they're more popular now than the bands that usurped them in the '90s. I saw Soundgarden, at the height of their popularity, at the same arena back in '94, and there were not as many people at that show as there were at this Def Leppard show. And I'm betting that if Soundgarden DID get back together, they wouldn't pack as many in.

I hate to say it, as much as I hate the '80s, I'm starting to appreciate some of those bands more and more. I know: it's a scary thought, but they're starting to make the bands of the '90s seem like a bad joke.

Flying To St. Maarten Might Be A Bad Idea

During one of the random clickathons that comprises my usual internet sessions, I came across this video of a KLM flight landing at the airport on the Caribbean island nation of St. Maarten (as opposed to St. Martin, which is the other end of the island):



After seeing this video, I have two words to say about traveling to the Dutch Antilles:

FUCK. THAT.

I know that the Caribbean is a popular tourist attraction and that St. Maarten is probably a beautiful place. And I know a lot of people who have traveled to the various islands and loved it, but if there's a possibility that my plane is going to hit the runway with a car wrapped around its landing gear, I think I'll pass.

What I'm Listening To

Chickenfoot - Chickenfoot (2009)
What do you do when the band that was at its most creative while you were the frontman decides to go on tour with their original clown of a lead singer? Why, you take their bass player and start your own version of the band, which is exactly what Sammy Hagar has done with Chickenfoot. It's pretty much Van Halen, ver. 2.5, as it features the non-Van Halen half of the second iteration of Van Halen, as well as Chad Smith, the Will Ferrell-lookalike drummer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and guitar genius Joe Satriani. When I pressed play on this record, I was disappointed with the first track, as it's a pretty bad song, and Sammy's voice just wasn't sounding right, and the guitar work was fairly pedestrian, and it's just not good. I was so set to be disappointed with the rest of the record. But on the second track, Sammy starts to sound like Sammy again, and the Michael Anthony backing vocals kick in, and Joe starts to shred a little, and suddenly I'm listening to the best Van Halen-less Van Halen record ever. The key to this whole venture is Satriani. Like most shred guitarists who came up in the '80s, Satriani's style is heavily informed by Eddie Van Halen's. But, unlike a lot of those same guitarists, Satriani has actually gotten better than Van Halen. And, while Eddie is still working on those tired licks from a body of work that stops 10 years ago, Satriani is still writing music and still getting better. Eddie needs to realize that the two-handed tapping, the dive bombs, the staccato harmonics: all that was revolutionary 25 years ago, but eight year old kids can play that shit now. And guys like Satriani and his assorted disciples have all passed him by. The old Van Halen is dead; long live the New Halen!

Daughtry - Leave This Town (2009)
To paraphrase a Herman's Hermits song: "Second verse, same as the first." It's nice to see that Daughtry appears to be an actual band that writes its own songs, and not just a bunch of studio musicians with a Svengali like Max Martin doing all the hard work. Good for them. Aaaaaaaand I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I like this album.

Assorted Michael Jackson cuts
Because everyone in the world has busted out Thriller in the past two weeks and rediscovered why it's the best-selling album of all time. Although, on retrospect, I will say that Eddie Van Halen's solo in "Beat It" is one of the most slapdash pieces of shit I've ever heard. I'd say it was pieced together with Pro Tools, but that didn't exist back then, so it actually IS that shitty; talk about phoning it in.

Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath & Paranoid (both 1970)
Even though no one in the band has died (that I know of), I felt the urge to bust out the old Black Sabbath records. Nothing new to report here, as both these albums are older than I am, except that, for being a crusty British white guy, Bill Ward was a pretty funky drummer.

Boston - Boston (1976)
Sometimes, I get going on the crackpipe and decide to listen to something I had really never considered listening to. This week, it was Boston's debut album. This is one of the few albums I can think of that every man, woman, and child has heard every cut off of. (Thriller, oddly enough, is another.) And while, in the '90s, I would have considered this album "gay," it's really not that bad; it's aged much better than a lot of the music from the '90s. Hell, if it's good enough for Kurt Cobain to steal the riff for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" from, then it's good enough for me.

Oasis - (What's the Story) Morning Glory? (1995)
Even though they never got as big in the States as they did in the U.K., Oasis is still a pretty good band, despite the obvious Beatles comparisons. And this album is their most-consitently entertaining.

The History of Howard Stern
Sirius has been airing this while Stern has been on vacation. It's great to hear all the old stuff that not only made Stern into the monumental figure he is now, but wrote the playbook for every radio host from there on out. The work of true genius.

If I listen to anything else listenalbe, I'll let you know.

He's Just Not That Into You

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that Kobe Bryant was able to overcome the "Shaq Curse" and finally win a post-Shaq championship. I figured that maybe this would be the start of the new Kobe Era, where he's actually able to win championships on his own.

That was...until the Cavs traded for Shaq.

Mind you, I think that Shaq, as a basketball force, is done. Hell, I'm a firm believer that Shaq never had any basketball skill. But, he's a proven winner. Shaq can still travel his way to the basket and score points, and if you can find the right people to put around him to do the "skill" work, you'll win championships. And now that he's on a team that has already shown it can go the distance without him, I think the Cavs' chances for a championship just improved greatly. He may very well be the last piece in the Cavs' championship puzzle.

After that trade, I'd have said that Kobe's chances of a repeat just went down to zero...until the Kobes signed Ron Artest.

This is a real coup for the Kobes, as it now makes them a team that might actually be able to win a game should Kobe not be in the lineup. Artest is another player who, despite the fact he's a piece of shit human being, can turn a team around if you put the right players around him; he was what the Rockets, who had two All-Star starters in their lineup, needed to get over the hump. It's an absolute dream for Artest, who leaves behind a team that is very quickly literally falling apart.

However, Artest needs to realize that, unlike most of the teams he's played on in the past, he's not the go-to guy here. The Kobes are Kobe's team, and no one puts Kobe in the corner. If Artest can accept his role as a guy who may occasionally get the ball and have to put it in the basket (but only after checking with Kobe first), I think we may finally get the Finals that everyone thought we'd get this year.

All that being said, if Kevin Garnett comes back, the Celtics will be able to field an All-Star at nearly every position now that they have Rasheed.

And that won't make it easy for anybody.

Last Five Movies: Dead Celebrity Edition

In lieu of going on about the already-overreported rash of recent celebrity deaths (Karl Malden being the latest one), here's a more upbeat discussion of some recent movies I've seen:

The House Bunny (2008)
This is one of those movies where they try to make pretty girls ugly. But it would take some major deconstructive surgery to make me believe girls like Kat Dennings and Katharine McPhee are ugly. This may also be the only movie in history whose soundtrack is composed entirely of songs from iTunes commercials. The laughs are few and far between here, with the cleverest joke being one of the characters using the name "Cole Trickle" as an alias (and this single Days of Thunder reference was funnier than Talladega Nights). And, speaking of movies in need of a laugh...

Year One (2009)
You would assume that, when you cram this much comedic talent into one movie, there would be some laughs. You would be wrong. I laughed approximately twice. I realize that Judd Apatow only produced this, but considering nearly every movie he's produced has been garbage, I'm beginning to doubt Apatow's pedigree as a great comedic mind.

Transformers 2 (2009)
Rather than attempt to describe how bad this movie is, I'll instead ramble off some of the "best" bits:

Best Continuity Error - Sometime, it takes a Transformer minutes to transform; other times, it takes a second;

Best Racial Stereotype - The two "black" Autobots, who talk in jive, have gold teeth, and are constantly trying to kill each other. I'm sure that if Pennzoil made a malt liquor, they'd be drinking that, too;

Best Special Effect - Megan Fox's pants, which remain preternaturally white throughout the whole movie;

Best Balls - The giant Decepticon made out of construction equipment has testicles made of wrecking balls clanging around between its legs;

Best Nonsense - Any scene containing a Transformer. Or any scene involving humans. And everything in between.

Twice as big and twice as bad as the original.

Surveillance (2008)
A rather nonsensical and predictable thriller, written and directed by David Lynch's daughter. Only interesting turns from Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond keep it from being completely unwatchable.

Well, DUUUUH:

Futurama: Into the Wide Green Yonder (2009)
How is it that a direct-to-video movie from a canceled animated TV show is better than most things that Hollywood can produce? Because it's fucking brilliant, that's how. It's the final installment of this great experiment, and the whole thing has proved so popular that Futurama is actually going back into production with new shows. That's great news, considering Futurama was one of the best shows on TV before Fox unceremoniously canceled it.

I can't wait.

Getting slightly off-topic...I haven't said anything about the recent celebrity deaths and don't plan on it, as every cable news channel has devoted all their programming in the past week to them. However, I would like to mention Karl Malden, an Oscar winner whose career spanned 60 years, whose death today will be completely overshadowed by the 24/7 Michael Jackson coverage. In sticking with the "recent movies" theme, I thought I'd mention some films I've seen recently that featured Malden and others who have joined the Walk of Fame in the Sky:

Billion Dollar Brain (1967)
Michael Caine's third go-round in the role that would provide Mike Myers with oh-so-hilarious comedic gold for years to come. Malden plays the villain here, and does a fine job with it. Morbid fact: Ed Begley, Sr., who's also in the film, died two years later at age 69. Malden, who was 14 years younger, would outlive him by nearly 30 years. There's something to be said about good living.

The Swarm (1978)
Another terrible Disaster Movie from Irwin Allen, this one about killer bees. Notable for featuring a massive Oscar-winning and -nominated cast. Henry Fonda, Fred MacMurray, José Ferrer, Ben Johnson, Richard Widmark, Alejandro Rey, Cameron Mitchell, Slim Pickens: all talented actors, and all completely dead (much like their careers when they made this). Oddly enough, Olivia de Havilland, who plays Johnson and MacMurray's love interest (!!), celebrates her 93rd birthday today.

Suddenly, Last Summer (1959)
Gore Vidal's bastardization of the Tennessee Williams play of the same name. There are a number of dead gays in the cast and crew (Williams, Vidal, and Monty Clift being the known ones), which is ironic, since Williams' original play was about homosexuality, but the movie makes absolutely no mention of it. Mercedes McCambridge and Katharine Hepburn, who was nominated for an Oscar, round out the late castmembers.

Burnt Offerings (1976)
Just another one of the million or so predictably stupid horror movies that came out in the '70s. Oliver Reed, Bette Davis, Burgess Meredith, Eileen Heckart, and Dub Taylor are all survived by Karen Black, who, in another odd coincidence, celebrates her 70th birthday today.

Here's to hoping that every celebrity lives a long life.

Fox Might Have Their Work Cut Out For Them

I recently had the chance to check out all of Fox's new fall shows. My thoughts:

Glee
I had already seen this one, and a second viewing didn't improve my opinion of it. A so-so show that sticks all of its great comedic talent (like Jane Lynch and Stephen Tobolowsky) in minor background roles, and gives all the comedic heavy lifting to a bunch of no-names. And it's about a glee club, which is a big negative.

Brothers
A show with so many gimmicks, it should actually be called Gimmicks. The brother who's a retired pro football player is played by actual retired pro football player Michael Strahan. The other brother is in a wheelchair. They're black, so that puts a twist on the whole "brothers" thing. I was somewhat startled by the sight of Carl Weathers sans hair and mustache. CCH Pounder is a talented actress, but here she's reduced to being the setup (wo)man for all the "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" lines. I thought there was a limit to how many disability jokes you could squeeze into 22 minutes, but I was proven wrong. I'd say that once Fox cancels this, it could be picked up by CBS, which can't get enough shitty sitcoms, but the appearance of an all-black cast might alarm the network's key 60 years old and older demographic.

Past Life
A detective agency (?) investigates the past lives of its clients (hence the title). If you like Medium or Ghost Whisperer, you MIGHT like this show that isn't as good; otherwise, PASS. It's nice to see Richard Schiff on TV again, but that's no reason to watch this.

The Cleveland Show
I won't lie to you: I only watched approximately three minutes of this show. But that was all it took to deduce that this is yet another awful rehash of Family Guy. And, since Family Guy is one of the least funny shows on TV, it stands to reason that this is about a third as funny as that. Thanks, Fox, for continuing to perpetuate Seth MacFarlane's belief that he's hilarious.

Sons of Tuscon
This show can be summed up thusly: Scumbag adult hangs out with a bunch of youngsters and many shenanigans ensue. This will be lucky to air three episodes before being shown the door.

Human Target
Mark Valley plays a kind of fixer/private detective/bodyguard who protects his clients by insinuating himself into their dangerous circumstances. Despite the fact that this is derived from a relatively obscure DC Comics character AND that it has already been unsuccessfully adapted for TV once before, I actually like this show. It's by no means an original concept (The Equalizer is one previous example that comes to mind), but its outstanding production values and cast make up for its unoriginality. Chi McBride is totally wasted here (I'd much rather see him and Kristen Chenoweth in their own Pushing Daisies spinoff), but Jackie Earle Haley is a welcome addition to the cast (and the fact that Haley was completely out of the business five years ago should tell you how fucked up Hollywood's priorities are). There's even some quality guest appearances from Trish Helfer and Danny Glover. Of everything I watched, this is the only show I would watch again. That being said, it will get canceled after six episodes (because I like it, and that's what happens to shows I like).

Based upon what I've seen so far of Fox's lineup, I'd say they're going to need about 44 episodes of House and two full seasons of American Idol to make up for all of this dreck. Otherwise, I believe we might be looking at our new fourth-place finisher.

Things are looking up, NBC!