Celebrities Know Everything

If you don't know who Aziz Ansari, don't worry; nobody does. With basically only a two minute cameo in Observe and Report and a supporting role in Parks and Recreation, Greg Daniels' hilariously unfunny ripoff of The Office, to his credit, there's no reason you should know who he is.

The thing with celebrities like this is that, because nobody knows who they are, they have to do publicity stunts to get their names out there. Like Lindsay Lohan, for example. Despite the fact that she hasn't been in a noteworthy movie in five years, she's in the news every day, because, just as we begin to forget about her, she gets her tits out or fakes a lesbian relationship. It's a good way to keep your name out there.

And while that works out great for a 22-year old coke whore, it's not a good strategy for 26-year old Indian male. So, you've got to be more inventive in that case. Which is why Ansari decided to make up a fight with AMC Theatres and the IMAX Corporation.

Ansari claims that he attempted to see Star Trek in the IMAX format at an AMC theatre. He paid a $5 premium to do so, and, when he entered the theatre, was shocked to see that the movie was actually just IMAX Digital, an IMAX-branded projection system which uses a standard aspect ratio, instead of the true IMAX, which is analog 70mm on a 76'x97' screen. After watching the movie and being disappointed with his viewing experience, he asked for the $5 premium back, as he didn't feel he had been entitled to the full IMAX experience. When he was denied this, he decided to attack AMC, IMAX, and, just for the fuck of it, Regal Theatres.

Look at that: instant publicity. But, ya know, this may not seem like a publicity stunt, but there's no way it could be anything else, because anyone with a functioning brainstem would have no reason to complain.

The true 70mm IMAX format requires a lot of space to execute. It's a format that is very apparent. There's a couple of signs that might indicate you're NOT going to see a true IMAX movie:

-If the theatre is not tall enough to accommodate a 70+ foot tall screen, they might not show IMAX films there;

-If, directly outside your film's theatre, there isn't a massive, sideways-running projector with 10 foot wide film spools, there might not be an IMAX film showing in that theatre;

-If there isn't a three story tall screen at the front of your theatre, chances are, you're not going to see an IMAX film.

Now, if you're sharp enough to notice any of these things, the thing to do would be to go directly to the box office, ask for a manager, and say, "I'm sorry, I thought this film was going to be in full IMAX format. I see it's not, so I'm no longer interested in seeing the film; I'd like my money back." What you DON'T do is sit through the whole movie, and THEN ask for your money back and get pissed off when they (obviously) refuse, and THEN attack the company, even after they give you free passes.

So, how do I know this is a publicity stunt? Because no one is actually this stupid in real life.

Right?