Making Movies...To The XTreme!!

On the front of one of the movies I'd seen recently was a trailer for a movie called First Descent. It appears to be a documentary about snowboarding. I'm thinking, "Somewhat limited demographic, but, whatever." (The same can be said for Family Guy, but I can't help notice Fox keeps putting that back on the air. Oh well.) At the end, I just happened to notice a little blurb for the production company, named MD Films (much like how I noticed the address for this website at the bottom of an Orbitz.com commercial). Normally, I wouldn't think anything of this; there are thousands of production companies that have whatever fucked up names. But, something about the lettering of "MD" looked familiar to me.

When I got home, I looked up MD Films on the web. Turns out, the "MD" looked familiar because it stands for "Mountain Dew." D'oh!!

The idea of a beverage company producing movies is a fucked up one. It's as though Pepsi, the maker of Mountain Dew, became jealous of the fact the Coca-Cola owned Columbia Pictures during the 80s, and decided they wanted to get into the movie game too. But Columbia was a freestanding company that just happened to be owned by Coke; the movies it produced had nothing to do with Coke. MD Films is actually a division of Pepsi. Which essentially means it's nothing more than a marketing tool.

I suspect that sometime during First Descent, at least one of the snowboarders will be shown drinking a Mountain Dew, and that their logo will appear no less than six times. I see it as being a shameless promotion of their product, which is pretty pathetic. When Transamerica owned United Artists, I don't ever remember seeing any product placements for insurance in any of their movies. Yet, I'm willing to bet that First Descent will just be loaded with Dew.

So, I see two possible things happening with this movie: 1) it will flop, and MD Films will never make another movie; or 2) it will be a hit, and we'll see MD movies about skateboarding, BASE diving, and wakeboarding, because, if you believe Mountain Dew's commercials, xtreme sporters are their main consumers, and should have more movies targeted towards them.

Needless to say, I'm hoping for outcome #1. Fuck you, Mountain Dew!!

Last Five Movies

Domino (2005)
Tony Scott has ADD. There's no other reason to explain why this movie looks like it does. And I use the term "movie" loosely here, as it's more of a series of scenes that just happen to be on the same roll of film. I don't think there's anything on the screen for more than a second. And I think that may be a generous estimate. Scott should stop taking stylistic cues from Natural Born Killers, and make movies that actually appear to be movies, and not moving photocollages. He needs to go back to his Top Gun days, when his movies were still big and dumb, but at least they had some kind of coherent plot and didn't hurt my eyes. Oh well. If nothing else, at least this movie adds the words "blacktino" and "Chinegro" to our lexicon.

Waiting... (2005)
What an odd movie. It's, more or less, Clerks in a restaurant, but not as funny. As far as I can tell, it's about nothing more than the rules and regulations for the Penis Showing Game. (And, yes, it is exactly what it sounds like.) And what bothers me most about that is not that there is a game like this, but that someone heard about it happening in a restaurant and incorporated it into a movie. I'm never eating out again. Ever.

Serenity (2005)
Usually, when a TV show gets made into a movie, it's based upon the popularity of the TV show being able to get fans into a movie theatre, to pay for what they get for free on TV. (The X-Files movie is a great example of this.) But Firefly, the show on which Serenity is based, was a flop, canceled after a handful of episodes. So, why the movie? Because the DVD set of Firefly's only season flew off the shelves. And, hence, this movie was made. And it's a real oddball: a literal Space Western, complete with six-shooters and Western vernacular. It's just offbeat enough that I can easily see why it never caught on. It's a great movie for fans, though.

God Told Me To (1976)
Recently, Larry Cohen has come back into vogue with a series of phone-related movies. But, back in his first heyday, he came into prominence for coming up with some seriously wacky shit. Like ice cream that eats people, and giant Mexican deities destroying New York City, not to mention an entire series of killer baby movies. And God Told Me To falls right in the middle of his Wacky Period. And if you think the idea of people committing random murders because "God told them to" is goofy, wait until you hear the actual reason. A real winner.

It's a sad week for movies when this is the best:

Cut and Run (1985)
Ruggero Deodato is one sick motherfucker. He probably didn't invent the Cannibal Movie, but he sure did perfect it. Essentially a follow-up to Cannibal Holocaust, the worst movie ever (and by "worst," I don't mean "bad filmmaking"; I mean "wanting to put a shotgun in your mouth and die." Yes, it's that depressing.), Cut and Run is more or less an American-cast rehash of Lenzi's Make Them Die Slowly and Eaten Alive. And what an American cast it is! (Willie Ames and Michael Berryman, for fuck's sake!!) And, while the movie is lacking in the usual animal mutilations, it is not at all lacking in people mutilations. But then, it wouldn't be a Cannibal Movie if it was.

Jessica Biel Is Ugly

Actually, she's not, but, in terms of being named the entertainment world's "Sexiest Woman Alive," she is.

Usually, when magazines name the "sexiest so-and-so alive," they pick someone who is hot appearance- and career-wise. Last year, it was Angelina Jolie. (No qualms there.) This year, sure, Jessica's got the appearance thing, no problem. But can you name the last movie she was in? Can you name the next one she's in? Yeah, nobody can.

Is all of this a bad thing? Noooooo. I'll look at some scantily clad pictures of Jessica any/every day. But, if you want someone who's on the "It" List right now, I think you picked the wrong Jessica. I'd have put Ms. Alba on this cover, and saved Ms. Biel for the "Sexiest Woman With No Noticeable Career" issue. Just my opinion.

Rumors Be True?

Anyone who reads the gossip rags knows that, for quite some time, there has been a rumor that this will be Michael Vartan's last season on Alias. Apparently, Mrs. Garner-Affleck is uncomfortable having the man who busted up her first marriage around while her current husband visits the set. So, seeing as Garner is the star of the show and one of its producers, rumor has it that Vartan's days are numbered.

Of course, Vartan denies these claims. (It's also been rumored that Garner is leaving the show, and she'll be replaced with a much hotter girl.) As rumors go, this one is pretty run-of-the-mill.

And then, a funny thing happened. On last week's premiere of Alias, Vartan's character was killed. So, are the rumors true, or are they pulling our legs?

If this was any other show but Alias, I'd say Vartan was done. When characters on other TV shows die, they tend to stay dead. (It's worth noting that Patrick Duffy was dead for an entire season of Dallas, only to reappear after the famous "It Was Only A Dream" episode.) But this is a J.J. Abrams show, and Abrams loves to fuck with people. (Fans of Lost who have never seen Alias are just now finding this out.) Characters on Alias disappear and reappear with no rhyme or reason. There are at least two characters that have died more than once during the show's run. (Amy Irving has died three times on the show, and still appeared in an episode last season.) No one is truly dead in the land of Alias.

So, is Michael Vaughn dead? Sure looks like it. Is Michael Vartan off the show? I wouldn't count on it.

Picking The Gayest Fight In History

It's one thing to pick fights with people. Everyone does it; it makes them feel big. But you have to be careful who you pick a fight with, because if you pick the wrong target, you might end up looking like a fag.

Last month, Kelly Clarkson was having some fun, and busted Hilary Duff's balls a little bit. Duff's boyfriend, Benji Madden, of the band Good Charlotte, was not going to take this "attack" on his beloved sitting down. He launched a counter-attack on Clarkson on his blog, in which he basically called her talentless and fat. (Benji is kinda "goth," and, therefore, prefers someone with a skeleton body rather than a normal body.) Later, the post was deleted, and Benji ended up apologizing for the whole incident. (Take careful notice here who backed down first.)

Now, if you're in a punk(/pop) band, I can see why you'd want to pick fights with people, especially when they "diss" your "bitch." You want to keep up your punk image. But your "rep" isn't helped by picking a fight with Kelly Clarkson. This is like picking a fight with Peabo Bryson. And this isn't like Johnny Rotten or Henry Rollins going on the offensive. You're in Good Charlotte, for Christ's sake. You're about as "punk" as The Wiggles. It's also really classy that you're a 26-yr old going to bat for your girlfriend who's been legal for approximately five days. Way to go, Rape-O!!

So, next time you decide to pick a fight, use your brain a little, and pick someone who isn't a girl. You don't look as much like a nancy that way.

Going Totally Mental

I went into the movie Flightplan with a pretty good idea of how it was going to end. I didn't actually know, but, having seen the previews and understanding movie cliches and conventions, I had a pretty good idea of where it was going. And, as it turns out, I was about 90% right.

This is one of those "psychological thrillers", where all of the plot is derived from the fact that the main character may be having a psychotic break. (I wrote a post on this subject here.) The problem inherent with these types of movies is that you have two choices as to how to resolve that plot: a) the character is actually insane, or b) forces are conspiring to make the character seem crazy. The best way to resolve these movies is with (a), but most choose to go with (b), with terrible results.

Take The Forgotten, for example, where only Julianne Moore remembers that she once had a child. It may have been interesting to have her actually be delusional, but instead, they came up with an explanation of aliens changing history. That's some real bullshit.

But, even choice (a) can get fucked up. In Hide and Seek, a character's mental illness leads to the creation of a murderous alter ego, which is fine, except that the wrong character was mentally ill. (It also doesn't help that this movie has an Idiot Plot that could be resolved with this short Q&A session:
Father: "What does Charlie look like?"
Daughter: "Like you, daddy."
Father: "Am I Charlie?"
Daughter: "Yes."
And DeNiro is supposed to be a psychiatrist in that movie. Duuuh.)
Basically, what it comes down to is how well the film is made. You can fuck it up going either way, so you need to put some thought into how it's going to play out.

Which brings us back to Flightplan. Even though I went in pretty sure of how it was going to turn out, I didn't come out feeling like I'd been tricked. I didn't have a bunch of unanswered questions like, "Well, what about...?" or "Why didn't they...?", because the movie asks them before you think of them. They cover anything that might be a loophole. The plot doesn't cheat. It ends up in the only place it could have. It's an airtight movie that does exactly what it's supposed to. And for that, I commend it. (And recommend it.)

Skeletons In The Closet

Ya know what's funny? When someone gets famous suddenly, and then some shameless son of a bitch capitalizes on that person's fame. That's the only reason I can explain why Evangeline Lilly, who plays Kate on the big hit Lost, appears in an ad for Livelinks, a phone chat service. In fact, if you go to their website, she's plastered all over it. I see her using her "Lost fame" to move up the ladder, not plummet all the way to the bottom of it.

The problem with getting famous is that, at one time, you weren't famous. Remember when Vanessa Williams showed up in Penthouse after being crowned Miss America? Or those incredibly embarrassing (and borderline gay) photos of Brad Pitt that were in last week's Us?

But, in order to become known, you have to do things like that to get your face out there. Sure, George Clooney was on the first season of Roseanne, but now he thinks he's Jesus. My advice: Don't become famous. It will keep things like that ad for K-Y Jelly that you appeared in or that sex change operation you had out of the public eye.

What The Fuck Happened To Robert DeNiro?

This weekend, I watched the movie Heat again for about the millionth time. For those of you who have seen it, remember how cool Robert DeNiro was in that movie? Running down the street, carrying a dufflebag full of money, shooting at the cops with an AR-15? I'm sure this movie made people actually want to become bank robbers. That's how cool DeNiro is. And then, remember Ronin? Him hanging out the sunroof of a Mercedes, shooting a rocket launcher at the bad guys? How fucking awesome is that? And these were just cappers to one of the best careers in history.

And then something happened. And that something was Meet the Parents.

Suddenly, Bob is in all of these fucking comedies. And the movies that aren't comedies are still a joke. The great George Sanders killed himself shortly after making shit like Psychomania, yet Bob has managed to make it five years past playing Fearless Leader in Rocky and Bullwinkle. To quote Sam Jackson in Jackie Brown: "What happened to you, man? You used to be beautiful."

Bob: You have a career that most people only dream of. You're one of the most respected actors of your generation (if not ever). You have two Oscars, and like a million nominations. And yet, you feel the need to star in turds like Showtime. Your two Oscars exclude you from having to make movies like that. So what are you doing in them? Leave starring in 20 movies a year up to Jude Law. Don't take the first script that comes along every time, or else you'll have a career like Cuba Gooding, Jr's. (I'm sure there's a role for you in Boat Trip 2.)

Please, Bob, do it for your fans: Get in some better movies, or hang it up. It's getting embarrassing.

George Clooney: Never Been To Las Vegas

It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone now that George Clooney is working on opening a resort in Las Vegas. But, not just your typical shitty resort; he's got something special in mind.

"We have this romantic notion of a place where you put on a jacket or a dress to go to dinner," he's been quoted as saying. "We will have some sort of dress code so that it will feel like you are walking into a more formal Las Vegas of a different age or a classic Monte Carlo casino. I may be the novice of this group, but I have a good idea of what I like in Las Vegas, and it is all about class."

Maybe I'm missing something here. All of the times I've been to Vegas, I never noticed anyone worrying about "class". The last time I was there, I walked around for five days in shorts and a t-shirt, as did the other 100,000 or so people there, and no one seemed terribly offended. People don't go to Vegas to hang out at a five-star resort; they go there to see white tigers and pirate ships, and drop their second mortgage on the craps table. (You can go to Spago, which is slightly classier than the Sizzler, in jeans and a polo shirt and not feel out of place.)

My guess is that maybe George has never been to Las Vegas. (I realize that Ocean's Eleven takes place in Vegas, but that can all be faked in post-production.) If he had, he might notice that people are there to have a good time, not act like visiting dignitaries.

And this is the problem when assholes with money get some screwy idea about what people want. It's the reason why Tarantino made Kill Bill, and it's the reason Vegas is going to have a new resort that doesn't appeal to anyone but George Clooney.

So, George, you can hang out at Las Ramblas with the rest of the Ocean Gang in your tuxedos, and have a great fucking time. Me? I'll be playing blackjack in my swimtrucks at the Tropicana, and having a waaay better time.

The Second Coming Of Bush

Remember this post, where I commented on bands that break up and become other bands, and yet still sound like their former iterations? Well, it's happened yet again.

After Bush broke up in 2001, Gavin Rossdale pretty much went on to be Mr. Gwen Stefani. And, while not a bad position to be in, Gavin wanted to get the band back together. But, not Bush. What we end up with is Institute.

I've heard most of the tracks off their new record, Distort Yourself, and I can say this one thing about them: They're half Bush, and half not-Bush, which is not a bad thing.

While there's a couple of songs, like "When Animals Attack" and "Boom Box" that are very "Everything's Zen"ish, Institute mostly doesn't sound like Bush at all. I think it's got a lot to do with the fact that two leftovers from Helmet are on board: Chris Traynor on guitar, and Page Hamilton in the producer's chair. Apparently, they were the missing pieces to make Bush a good band. (It's of note that Rossdale is the only actual former member of Bush in the band.)

Hopefully, like that other great "mash up" band, Audioslave, Institute will stick around and put out more great records that sorta sound like someone else. Check it out.

Last Five Movies

Red Eye (2005)
Red Eye had an absolutely brilliant teaser trailer. It started with a scene where two people Meet Cute at an airport, only to keep bumping into each up to and onto the plane. And just when we think this is going to be a remake of Forces of Nature, the trailer goes black, except for that red eye. Great stuff. If only the actual movie had turned out to be as good as those two minutes. What starts off as a great first hour turns into a movie that literally anyone could have come up with. I don't even need to tell you what happens once they get off the plane; you already know. Yes, it's that predictable.

Ong-Bak (2003)
Remember the first time you saw a Jackie Chan movie? Not that shit he made once he defected to the States, but the stuff he made in Hong Kong. Remember that experience of "No fucking way did he just get run over by a hovercraft!"? Well, in the wake of Jackie Chan's recent lameness, Tony Jaa is trying to step into his shoes. Jaa does some things in this movie that are absolutely insane. And the fact that the fights don't appear to be fake at all (pretty hard to fake getting blasted in the face with a foot) only adds to the insanity. Unfortunately, whereas Chan's stunts, while elaborately planned and staged, actually appeared to be somewhat spontaneous, Jaa's stunts appear to be inserted into the movie just for the sake of showing some incredible stuntwork. If Jaa gets some decent producers, watch out; he may be our Next Action Hero.

Oldboy (2003)
It's nice to see South Korean cinema getting some recognition after years of being the redheaded stepchild of Southeast Asia. Oldboy was all the rage at Cannes (and, allegedly, almost won the Palm d'Or), and probably deserves to be. It's very well made and looks great. But the plot is so ridiculous that it pretty much ruins the movie. Unfortunately, it's so well made that you don't realize you've been had until the end, when the secret of the plot is revealed. A great try; check out Park's JSA instead. Much better movie.

Ravenous (1999)
I've seen lots of Cannibal Movies; maybe all of them. You start to miss them after a while, because it's been a dead genre for about 20 years. Needless to say, I was shocked and awed when Ravenous came out, because, well, it's a fucking Cannibal Movie. Who makes a Cannibal Movie in this day and age? Well, these guys, apparently. And what a movie they made! Gross and funny, with a plot that isn't just a delivery vehicle for the cannibal scenes. Probably the best Cannibal Movie ever. Seriously.

Love Ravenous, but it's hard to top on...

Lifeforce (1985)
Every so often, a movie comes along that takes everything and the kitchen sink, and crams it all into one movie. A recent example is Brotherhood of the Wolf, which was a Costume Drama, a Monster Movie, a Kung Fu Movie, and a Murder Mystery all rolled into one. That's a lot of shit to be in one movie. The same is true of Lifeforce. Tobe Hooper's second foray into big-budget filmmaking (behind Poltergeist, a movie I still believe was actually directed by Steven Spielberg) combines a Space Movie, a Vampire Movie, a Zombie Movie, and a Disaster Movie into one great flick. With all of these elements, it might sound like a trainwreck, but it's surprisingly well made; it actually appears as though they were trying to make a good movie. And the fact it stars Steve Railsback (who will always be Charles Manson in my eyes) only adds to the fun. Check it out.

The Un-Lost Ringu Sequel

I finally managed to see Rasen, the last of the Ringu movies. Rasen has been available on video since 1998, but never available with English subtitles. And since my understanding of the Japanese language doesn't go much farther than "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto," I was never able to watch it. But now that's it's available on region 1 DVD with Engrish subtitles, I was able to complete the Ringu Cycle. And now I see why it was never available to the English-speaking world.

Rasen is the sequel to Ringu. Both are adaptations of books by Koji Suzuki. The two were produced back-to-back, with almost the same cast and crew, and released almost simultaneously. The Japanese loved Ringu, and hated Rasen. The producers, rather than cut their losses and move on to the next sequel (which they eventually did), decided to bring the cast and crew back, and brought in Hideo Nakata, Ringu's director, to write and direct a remake of the sequel (much like what Warner Bros. did with Exorcist: The Beginning). Hence, Ringu 2 was born.

Much in the way that Ringu 2 and The Ring 2 start at the same source and go in different directions, Ringu 2 and Rasen do the same. Unfortunately, Rasen went in the wrong direction.

Rasen begins right after Ringu ends: with the discovery of Ryuji's body. Mitsuo, a friend of Ryuji's from medical school, is charged with performing the autopsy. During the autopsy and his conversations with Mai, Ryuji's girlfriend and the one who found his body, Mitsuo becomes entangled in the mythos of Sadako and the "video curse".

Now, this is a perfectly good setup for a movie. But Rasen chooses not to follow it. Nor does it bother to follow the pattern set by Ringu. Gone is the "video curse". Turns out the "curse" is actually a virus, contracted by watching the tape. And you needn't actually watch the tape to catch it; you can read about the tape and get it. In fact, you can have sex with someone who watched the tape and get it. And the whole cloning aspect of the virus is ridiculous. (This movie also makes the Duplicating Tape Error: If only two copies of the tape exist (the original and the copy that Reiko made, both of which remained in her possession), where do all of these extra copies come from? Every Ringu sequel, Japanese and American, makes this logical error.)

Oh, and remember Sadako? That nice ghost that caused this whole thing? After Mitsuo watches the tape, Sadako makes an appearance, and (here's where the movie makes its worst error) she's hot. AND naked. Hot, naked Asian chicks could make me do a lot of things, but being scared shitless is not one of them. Speaking of being scared shitless, you won't be while watching this movie, since it's about as scary as any given episode of Fraggle Rock.

After having seen this movie, it's no wonder people stayed away in droves. The sequel to one of the scariest movies in the past 10 years turns out to be something out of a Michael Crichton novel. And not a very good one, at that.

Not that Ringu 2 turned out to be any better, but at least it had the common decency to be scary.

For completists only.

"Gay Rights" Redux

A week ago, I posted on an Orbitz.com commercial which perpetuates every gay stereotype known to straight man. I saw this commercial again tonight, and noticed something I hadn't before. (The Girl, who had never seen the commercial before, sat silent for about 10 seconds, and then said, "Did they actually just say, 'The place for gay-friendly travel'?" Yes, ma'am, they certainly did.)

At the end of the commercial, at the bottom of the screen, is the address for this website. Go ahead and click it now, and then come back.








What.

The.

Fuck. Apparently, gay people don't want to go anywhere that straight people might want to go, so they have to have their own special travel site, so as not to be confused or included with straight people.

Nice. Bravo once again, Orbitz. And remember: keep your history straight and your nightlife gay.

"Worst Movie In History" Really Is Worst Movie In History

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No End To The Annoyingness

The Girl loves cooking shows; if she had her way, I believe she would watch the Food Network 24 hours a day. As we share a television, I am, at times, forced to watch these shows. Most of the time, I have no problem with these shows. They are informative, feature good food, and the host has a good personality. However, there are exceptions. (For a HUGE fucking exception, click here.)

One of those exceptions (and probably the most annoying) is Rachael Ray, the host of at least three shows on the Food Network. "But, what's wrong with Rachael," you ask? She's "spunky", makes good food, and has posed in FHM. What could possibly be wrong with her? Oh, where do I fucking start...

First off: that mouth; it's like her head is hinged at her spine, and she talks by flopping her head up and down, like Terrance and Phillip from South Park. A person could go crazy looking at that mouth, and from listening to what comes out of it. Her speaking voice and manner of speaking are brain rattling. She's the only cooking host I can think of that actually makes up words. And not made up in a clever way words; made up in an oh-please-kill-me-now way words. And then (if her whole head thing wasn't enough), there's her personality. She must snort at least a half pound of blow before each show, because she's as flighty as hell. Slow it down, sister; you've got a WHOLE half hour, not just six minutes. She's so perky, I could choke her.

And then there's the format of her showcase show, 30 Minute Meals. Instead of just having all of the ingredients needed ready and waiting on the counter, she goes around her fake kitchen and gets everything from her fake cupboards/fridge all at once, so by the time she gets back to the counter to start cooking, she's carrying a huge pile of shit. I don't ever remember seeing Emeril carting around a wheelbarrow full of ingredients, but I'm an idiot. Maybe I miss that part on every other cooking show on television. As she prepares her food, rather than disposing of refuse under the counter, as everyone else does, she throws it in a big bowl right there on the counter. So, at the end of the show, there's the food, and there's the trash right next to it. Yummy. Where's my fork?

Now, as with most things that I hate, I figured that my dislike of Rachael was being perpetuated by some misinformation from the voices in my head, like when they tell me to hit pedestrians in the crosswalk, or punch children in the head. But, as it turns out, I am not alone. There are splinter cells of fringe lunatics like myself all over the internet who would rather gouge their eyes out then have to watch $40 A Day. Here's a small sampling:

Rachael Ray Sux
I Hate Rachael Ray
Rachael Ray Rules' Journal
Rachael Ray Drinking Game

And those are just the sites dedicated to hating Rachael; there are plenty of message boards out there that have some great things to say.

I know I shouldn't hate people I don't even know, but if I have to look at that Joker mouth one more time, I may very likely commit suicide. And if that's not a reason to hate someone, I don't know what is.

What Do These Guys Have In Common:

Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Jason Giambi?

Give up?

They are all All-Star caliber suspected (or confirmed) steroid users, and they all wear the number 25. Coincidence? No way. Dopers love the 2-5.

Totally Random Thought

I heard an ad on the radio the other day for a band that was billed as a "hot new punk-pop act." And, of course, the song played in the commercial was totally gay. It did not make me want to rock out with my cock out.

It did, however, make me realize how inane the concept of "punk pop" is. Take any punk pop band. Here's a bunch of guys who look like the opening act of a Ramones show at CBGB, and sound like an Air Supply cover band.

Yeah, you guys are "punk" alright. PunkASSES!

Don't Quote Me On This One

Since the American Film Institute recently published their list of the
100 Greatest Movie Quotes, I thought maybe I should point you towards the 70 Most Profane Movie Quotes. Give it a look.

Top 70 Profane, Rude or Inappropriate Movie Quotes (Courtesy of Crushed By Inertia)

Putting The Gay Rights Movement Back A Million Years

So, there's this commercial for Orbitz.com, the online travel service. The commercial is set up like a gameshow, with Wink Martindale hosting. The object of the game is to see who can book a vacation faster: someone using Orbitz or someone using some other online service. Everyone's seen this commercial; it's on all the time.

Well, there's another one out there. In this commercial, the contestants are, let's say (because I don't remember), an architect, and a pair of gay men. The object of this commericial's contest is to find a) a hotel b) in San Francisco c) with a gym. The gay men are using Orbitz, so, of course, they find the hotel in record time. (Actually, one finds it while the other stands behind him and plays with his partner's ears.) To summarize: Two gay men are able to find a hotel in San Francisco with a place they can work out faster than someone who's apparently not gay.

So, now we need commercials to perpetuate gay stereotypes? I thought that's what Will and Grace and LOGO were for. (I've never actually watched LOGO, but seeing as it's stuck right in the middle of all my movie channels, I see what's playing on it whenever I look at the cable guide. And all of their programming is pretty much what people would suspect is on a gay network.)

Bravo, Orbitz, for confirming everything straight people think about gay people. Take a bow.

And speaking of perpetuating stereotypes, there a commercial for Burger King's Chicken Fries, in which a "unit" of black people go around spreading the word about Chicken Fries to other black people.

Classy. No word yet as to how Burger King will promote its new Watermelon Shake. (Seriously, ad people must be fucking insane. I'm sure there's a class action lawsuit somewhere in the works on this.)

Last Five Movies

Been a while since I did one of these.

Wedding Crashers (2005)
You'd think a movie with Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Christopher Walken would be some seriously funny shit, wouldn't you? I mean, these guys don't even have to do anything and they're funny. That's why it's astounding that Wedding Crashers isn't funny. Oh, it is funny at times, but, just when it's like five seconds away from becoming absolutely fucking hilarious, that dude who played Will on Alias beats someone up, or one of the girls speaks, and the movie comes to a screeching halt. Seriously, get rid of all the excess plot, and just let these guys riff. Now that would be a movie.

The Hunger (1983)
An absolute trainwreck of a movie that is essential viewing for two reasons: Dick Smith's awesome old-age makeup on David Bowie, and the lesbian sex scene between Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon. There's a reason why no one knew who Tony Scott was before he directed Top Gun, and this is it.

Premature Burial (1962)
It's funny that Roger Corman is seen as a hack director. Let's take a movie like, let's say, Guess Who. Probably had a budget of about $40 million, has boring, uninspired sets, a screenplay probably written by a preschooler, and probably took a month or two to film. Then, you look at Corman's Premature Burial, which had a budget of less than $100,000, has beautiful Victorian sets, a story by Edgar Allen Poe, and took 10 days to film. And it's the better movie by at least a factor of 10,000,000. This guy was literally throwing together films that are better than 95% of the movies made today. Hack, my ass; this guy's a fucking genius.

The Wolf Man (1941)
One of the All-Time Classic Horror Movies. Also the movie that launched Lon Chaney Jr.'s attempt to take over his father's moniker of "The Man of 1000 Faces." (The fact that Lon Jr. had no talent whatsoever kinda killed that, but who else can say they played Frankenstein, Dracula, the Mummy, and the Wolf Man in their career?) A great film, with an (at the time) all-star cast, and some of the funniest transformation scenes ever.

Wolf Man is great, but the winner is...

Used Cars (1980)
Bob Zemeckis' first venture into "big budget" filmmaking, this is the movie that Wedding Crashers should've been. Sure, there's a plot here, but not enough to get in the way of these guys being the biggest assholes in the used car business. Mean spirited and played from the hip, this is one of the funniest movies of the early 80's. Gerrit Graham coming inches from being hit by a car and not breaking character for a second is one of the classic bits in film history. Check it out. "Fifty bucks never killed anybody."