Good Night, And Good Luck Winning A Screenwriting Oscar

A lot of times, I watch movies just to watch movies. No real interest in seeing a particular movie; just want to watch one. And that's how I ended up seeing Good Night, and Good Luck when it returned to town after its Oscar nom. I saw it, because it's supposed to be a good film, and I needed to see a good film. (As opposed to Date Movie, which is terrible and which I watched out of boredom.)

Turns out, it is a good film. It's well-acted and directed. (I'm sure the Anti-Smoking Council would have something to say about every character in the film smoking at all times. David Strathairn always has a lit cig in his hand.) What isn't so good is the screenplay, which one would think is odd, since it's up for Best Screenplay. "What's wrong with it," you ask? Well, it's some of the laziest screenwriting in history.

In the film, there's about 10 minutes of recreations of old Morrow newscasts, which, I assume, came from transcribing dialogue from old news footage. And then there's another 10 minutes of news footage of Senator McCarthy and the HUAC trials, which require no writing at all, since they're just playing old news footage. Plus, there's the five minute Morrow speech that bookends the film, that I'm guessing was just transcribed from a speech Morrow actually gave.

So, out of a 90 minute movie, you've got about 65 minutes worth of original writing. While I've haven't seen the actual printed screenplay for this movie, I'm guessing it can't be any more than 50 pages, which is pretty thin. Hell, there's more than 50 pages of original writing on this blog, and I'm not up for Best Original anything.

Nice. Really nice.

Last Five Movies

Date Movie (2006)
"Spoof" movies have gotten really terrible in recent years. If you look at the earlier work from the Abrams/Zucker team (like Airplane! and The Naked Gun), sure, those movies made references to other movies (Airplane! takes most of its plot and dialogue directly out of Zero Hour!), but they were just for easy laughs. The rest of the gags were original ideas, and funny. Now, you have a movie like Date Movie, which is basically a clip show of other movies, but with different characters, and that don't make for a good or funny movie. The fact that they're spoofing romantic comedies doesn't help either, since what they're spoofing was supposed to be funny to start with. How 'bout some original jokes? No? Well, so be it. We'll see if Scary Movie 4 finally kills off this genre. Best thing to happen to it, really.

London (2006)
The honest-to-God only reason I watched this was because some website claimed that Jessica Biel had some nude scenes in it. But she doesn't. So, there goes that hour and a half of my life.

Into the Blue (2005)
If watching Jessica Alba trot around in a bikini for two hours offends you, then this isn't for you. All others need apply. Oh, and if Peter Benchley hadn't been dying of lung disease when this movie was made, I'm sure he would have sued the shit out of the producers for ripping off his screenplay for The Deep. Or am I the only one who noticed that? Whoops.

Shaft (2000)
I thought this was a good movie when I saw it in the theatre five years ago, and it still holds up today. But I still have the same problem with it that I had back then: the Peoples Hernandez character. Jeffrey Wright is a great actor, and he should be in more movies, but what the fuck his character is doing in this one is beyond me. Let's clutter up that screenplay with more unnecessary characters, please!

An incredibly obscure choice, yes, but it's the best I've seen lately:

The Dancer Upstairs (2002)
John Malkovich must be a big fan of Costa-Gavras, because he's made a movie that would fit right into Gavras' filmography. It chronicles a South American revolution being led by an unseen terrorist, and the search of a troubled detective to find him. A good movie, and the fact that it stars the always-great Javier Bardem only makes it better.

You And All Your Imaginary Friends On MySpace

As I've mentioned before, randomly clicking through MySpace will lead you to some pretty goofy shit. And one of the goofiest things I've seen is the phenomena of the Phony Friends List: friends lists that are populated by made-up people.

The best lists are the ones populated by movie characters. Take, for example, the profile of John Kreese. Kreese was the evil sensai from the Karate Kid movies. Kreese, in real life, is actually actor Martin Kove. But his friend's list isn't filled with people from Martin Kove's life; it's filled with people from John Kreese's life, all of whom are fictional. And, oddly enough, every character from Karate Kid happens to have a MySpace profile.

But that's just an easy example. More searching will lead you to the really oddball ones. Like this profile for Monique, the foreign exchange student from Better Off Dead. And her friends list will lead you to this incredibly obscure profile for Rick Morehouse, the guy who uttered the classic line, "Where do you get off having tits?" in Just One of the Guys. (That one was for the fans, and you know who you are.)

What's all this mean? That everything on MySpace is bullshit. If you're on MySpace to actually make friends, you may want to consider getting medicated, because you've deluded yourself into thinking that everything on MySpace isn't fake. Even my own profile is 99% made-up. (I actually am a white caucasian.) It's basically a nice place for people like me to make fun of idiots who take this shit seriously. And there's a lot of idiots to make fun of.

But keep that under your hat. I wouldn't want John Kreese and his Cobra Kai badasses coming to kick my ass. I know he's for real.

Chuck Norris Destroys San Francisco

Let's go back: The year was 1981, and the news reports were all over the fact that Chuck Norris had destroyed San Francisco. Honestly, I had forgotten all about it (as I was seven at the time), but the memory came back when I saw this poster, and I knew that I had to buy it.

So, to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking the shit out of the Golden Gate Bridge, here is the piece of history that will soon be adorning my walls:



Seriously: don't fuck with Chuck Norris. He destroyed a whole city just for the hell of it. Imagine what he would do if he was mad.

The Three Degrees Of Tom

For a number of years, a friend and I have discussed the concept of "poor man's" actors: actors you get when your first choice is unavailable. Poor man's actors tend to be lesser actors, and often play many of the same types of roles in smaller budget films that the big star would play in a big budget movie. A real easy example is Donny Wahlberg being the poor man's Mark Wahlberg. There are dozens of other examples out there.

A couple of years ago, a really striking example came to my attention while I was watching The Scorpion King.

Peter Facinelli (pictured at left), better known as Mr. Jennie Garth, is almost an exact duplicate of Tom Cruise. Not only does he resemble Tom, he even sounds and acts like Tom. His performance in Scorpion King was pretty much identical to Tom's in Interview With A Vampire. (I know, you didn't think the vampire Lestat was in The Scorpion King, but I'll be damned if he isn't.)

Ever since, every time I've seen Peter in anything (the show Fastlane was a great showcase for him), he is totally channeling Tom Cruise. The guy must actually think he is Tom Cruise. It's incredible, really.

And then, when I didn't think anything could get anymore fucked up than a perfect doppleganger of Tom Cruise, I happened to catch tonight's episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and my mind exploded.

This guy,
whose name is Daniel Kucan, is one of the design team members on Extreme Makeover, and he is the poor man's Peter Facinelli. Yes, the Tom Cruise clone has his own clone. (This picture, in which he looks like Noah Wyle with AIDS, does no justice to his actual Facinelliness.)

He acts and talks just like Peter; he's a third-degree likeness of Tom Cruise. (The scariest thing about this is that this idea was uttered by The Girl almost simultaneously as me thinking it. It's scary when you're totally on the same page like that.) He is the poor man's Tom Cruise, twice removed. He's the reality TV version of Tom Cruise (which is really pathetic). His list of titles goes on and on.

So, if you ever happen to see Daniel or Peter on TV, and keep thinking to yourself, "Who does this guy remind me of?", now you know.

What, No Draft Picks?

Last Thursday, in what might be the shittiest trade in history, Al Michaels, longtime play-by-play man for ABC Sports, was traded to NBC for Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. "What's Oswald the Lucky Rabbit," you ask? Why, it's an old Disney cartoon character. Yes, one of the greatest sportcasters ever got traded for a fucking cartoon. (And no, this is not a joke.)

For Disney, the parent company of ABC, this is a huge coup. Oswald the Rabbit was probably the first character ever drawn by Walt Disney. (Yes, it predates even Mickey Mouse.) But, while Disney did produce the cartoons, they didn't own the rights. Those were held by Universal (which is also owns NBC), who distributed the cartoons. In fact, Disney only produced the cartoons for about two years before Universal took over production altogether. Oswald hasn't been a Disney cartoon for nearly 80 years, and hasn't made an appearance in any cartoon in over 50 years.

For sacrificing this valuable character, NBC Universal gets Al Michaels, a 20-year staple of Monday Night Football, and the most recognizable play-by-play man in all of sports. He rejoins John Madden, who also defected to NBC.

So, to recap: NBC Universal gets the man who uttered the "Do you believe in miracles?" call, and Disney regains a cartoon character that no one under, say, 80 even remembers. This deal is about as lopsided as the Yankees trading A-Rod to the A's for the rights to Ty Cobb.

There may be one positive to come out of this, though. Maybe while Disney is in a trading mood, they'll trade Miss Piggy and Kermit to Fox for Arrested Development, a show they've expressed interest in if Fox doesn't renew it. It's win/win for everyone: Arrested stays on TV, and Fox gets yet another couple of "dummies" to put on TV.

Sounds like a fair trade to me.

Goodbye, Arrested Development

Friday marked the last airing of Arrested Development . At least Fox was nice enough to devote their entire Friday night lineup to Arrested (against the fucking Olympic opening ceremonies, no less).

So, now I'll just have to find another Funniest Show on Television. I suspect it will be a long time before I ever laugh again. I guess we can only hope that maybe Fox will resurrect the show in like two years, like it did with Family Guy and (if the rumors are true) Futurama, due to massive DVD sales. Or we can just hope for the movie version that was cleverly mentioned in the "epilogue" of the last episode.

It was a good run. I only wish it had lasted longer. If you didn't watch it (and, therefore, contributed to its cancellation), thanks for ruining my good times. Thanks a lot.

Another Goofy Reality Show

I just happened to be watching TV during the day last week, and happened to catch a mini-marathon of #1 Single, the new E! reality show. The show follows Lisa Loeb in her search for a boyfriend.

Remember Lisa Loeb? If you don't, you may want to check your medical records, because you were probably in a coma in 1995, when her song, "Stay," was on the radio literally every two seconds.

That being said, I find it hard to believe that Lisa would have any trouble finding a boyfriend, as she's famous, as well as attractive. (She's one of the few women whose looks are actually improved by wearing glasses.) I'd think there would be suitors falling out of the woodwork to get with that. Apparently not, according to this show.

Then again, this show is on E!, Your Home of Goofy Reality Shows, so I guess anything goes.

Disney Has Its Cake And Eats Nemo, Too

What do you do if you're one of the largest media companies in the world, and your former CEO alienated your cashcow partner so much so that they wanted nothing to do with you any more? You get out the checkbook and buy them.

I know this is old news, but I felt the need to comment on it. What I'm referring to is Disney's purchase of former animation partner Pixar.

This whole thing goes back 10 years, when Disney essentially bailed Pixar out of financial ruin by agreeing to a distribution deal for Pixar-produced movies. Even back then, when no one knew who Pixar was, this was a shitty deal. Production costs and profits would be split evenly between Pixar and Disney, with Disney additionally receiving a distribution fee, as well as the rights to the finished films. (That last part is a clever little bit, because it means that Disney gets all profits from any merchandising, since they own the characters. Don't let anyone tell you Michael Eisner wasn't one smart motherfucker.) So, in simpler terms, Pixar busts their ass to make a movie, Disney hands them a check and takes the movie. "Here's your cut, minus costs. Good work, guys. When's the next one gonna be done?"

Fast forward 10 years, and Pixar has become the premiere animation studio in the world. Its movies have made so much money for Disney, that Disney essentially shuts down their own fabled animation studio. What Disney didn't count on was that maybe Pixar wasn't happy. And they weren't.

When their deal with Disney came open for negotiation, they wanted more control. They wanted to self-finance, wanted all profits, and to retain all copyrights. Disney would get only their distribution fee. Disney was obviously not happy with this deal. Here's this little upstart that they put on the map demanding everything. Of course, Disney was not the company it once was and their CEO, Michael Eisner, was a shell of his former powerful self. So, the whole thing ended with Pixar pretty much going out on their own, and Eisner leaving Disney after a number of other foulups.

So, that's where it stood, until new CEO Robert Iger did something that Eisner should have done 10 years ago: He wrote a $7 billion check, and bought Pixar outright. It's a genius deal for both companies: Steve Jobs, Pixar's CEO, gets a seat on Disney's board, as well as becoming their largest single shareholder; Pixar gets approval of all Disney and Pixar films; and Disney gets all the money. Sure, Pixar has essentially been forced into slavery, and just lost control of their company, but now they have access to all that big Disney money. Good times for everybody.

Congrats to both Disney and Pixar for ironing out their differences, and deciding to continue one of the most successful relationships in history. Now: get back to work on Toy Story 3.

And The Nominees Are...

Some random Oscar nom thoughts:

-How did Cinderella Man merit a Best Makeup nom? Don't really see that one as being valid.

-The Academy has decided that only three songs would be nominated this year, instead of the usual five, which is good, because that's two fewer painful performances of said songs that I'll have to endure during the Awards ceremony. I wonder if Terrence Howard will actually perform "It's Hard Out Here To Be A Pimp," or they'll do like last year and have someone like Kanye West perform it, even though the original performer is at the ceremony.

-Memoirs of a Geisha gets nominated in both Sound categories. Interesting choice: a movie that is 99% dialogue.

-I can't help notice that Sin City and Star Wars 3 were passed over in the Visual Effects category. Considering both movies are almost entirely visual effects, you'd think the Academy would throw them a bone. I think it's a fairly impressive technical achievement to create worlds that exist solely on a computer, but apparently I'm an idiot.

-The most hotly contested categories this year will be the two Writing categories. There are at least two in each category that deserve to win. The only category that comes close to this race is Animated Feature, which has three equally deserving nominees.

-George Clooney will probably win some sort of Oscar this year, and will ascend into the upper echelons of assholery with his new sense of importance. I suspect he'll attempt to buy the United States if he wins.

-Munich got more noms than it did at the Golden Globes, even though it will win nothing, which is a shame, because it's great.

-I suspect Brokeback Mountain will be the big winner this year. On a tangential subject, has anyone actually seen Brokeback Mountain? I've asked everyone I know, and can't find anyone, through any degree of separation, who has seen it. That should be a category of its own: Best Picture No One Has Seen. Winner, hands down.

We'll see how it all pans out in a month or so.

Burger King Is One Cool Motherfucker

I have absolutely no story to go with this picture, other than I'm totally amazed that a picture exists of Burger King hanging out with Brooke Burke. This may be the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

You're No Chuck Norris

If you stay up late enough, every channel on cable reverts to infomercials. One infomercial that is always on is the one for the Total Gym. If you've ever seen it, you know that Chuck Norris is the spokesman for the Total Gym. Watching it, it made me think of something to add to The Chuck Norris Facts: The Total Gym will not make you be more like Chuck Norris, because it is humanly impossible to be like Chuck Norris.

You can try, but you'll just be wasting your time.

The WB + UPN = Even More Shit No One Will Watch

I watch a lot of TV, but I can honestly say I don't watch a lot of programming on The WB and UPN. (I don't watch anything on CBS, and that's the #1 network, so maybe I just have bad taste. But I don't think so.) I have watched a couple of shows on The WB and enjoyed them. As for UPN, the only show I can think of that was on UPN was Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and that's been off the air for two years. I'm not even sure if my TV gets a UPN station.

With that in mind, it comes as no surprise that The WB and UPN have decided to combine to form a new network called The CW, which stands for "Something." Apparently, their TV lineup will be an all-star selection of both networks' best and most popular shows. (It appears that UPN is pretty much bringing nothing but wrestling and Tyra Banks to the table, as, well, that's pretty much all that's on UPN. Oh, that and black sitcoms.)

Maybe it's just me, but this just does not seem like a good idea. Maybe CBS and Warner Brothers, UPN and The WB's respective parent companies, think that combining their networks will produce a combined Nielsen rating that puts them that much closer to fourth place. (UPN and The WB rank fifth and sixth among networks.) Maybe they thought it would be better if they competed for last place together instead of against each other. Maybe they're just stupid. Who knows. All I know is that there's going to be yet another network whose programming I'll entirely ignore.

I can't wait.

Kobe Goes Crazy

If you missed tonight's Lakers/Raptors game, you missed a piece of history. Kobe Bryant decided to take his reputation as a ballhog to the next level, and scored 81 points, the second most points ever scored by one player in a game. (Wilt Chamberlain, of course, holds the record with 100 points in one game.)

I guess this was inevitable, because for the past week or so, Kobe has pretty much been scoring all the Lakers' points. He's averaging a ridiculous 49 points a game in that stretch, which would be impressive if Bryant wasn't playing on such a shitty team.

A nice job anyway.

Yet Another Restructuring

Today, camera manufacturer Konica Minolta announced that it would be getting out of the camera business within the next year. Konica Minolta, while not having invented the 35mm camera, is famous for making the first autofocus one. And, a year from now, they won't make any. They will instead focus on their printer and copier business.

This is the third big business in as many years that has gotten out of the business that they basically created. (The other two were AT&T (for a while) and IBM, who both got out of the phone and PC businesses.)

Konica Minolta cites more competition in the marketplace as their reason for abandoning their camera business. This is probably true. Most people would blame bigger companies, like Sony or Kodak (which doesn't even make 35mm cameras anymore), putting them out of business. (Notice that Leica, which actually did invent the 35mm camera, has no problem staying in business, even though its cameras sell for thousands of dollars.) Me, not having a problem with "big business," I blame the upstarts.

Remember Dell, that little computer company? Have ya seen one of their catalogs recently? They sell everything now. (I'm pretty sure I saw a couple of pages dedicated to beauty products in their last catalog.) And, yes, they manufacture and sell cameras. It's companies like this, that suddenly jump into the marketplace with low-cost product, that fuck up established businesses. Sony and Kodak have been making camera forever. You know where they are in the marketplace. But then Dell, which has a huge fanbase of loyal consumers, comes in, and they have cameras now. And someone whose camera business was already lagging has to give up the ship.

Oh well. A shame, we'll all get over it.

Chuck Norris Is Coming To Kill You...RIGHT NOW

I know this has been bouncing around the web for some time, but, if you haven't seen it, check out the Chuck Norris Facts. Every fact on this list is the reason that Chuck Norris is Friend #1 on my MySpace Friends List. Pissing off Chuck is a bad deal.

And remember: If you're not looking directly at Chuck Norris RIGHT NOW, you may be seconds away from death.

People Google The Dumbest Things (And Find Them On This Blog)

So, the other day, because I was bored, I was looking through the site referrals in my Sitemeter profile. Most of them say "unknown"; some of them are from people hitting the "Next Blog" button at the top of some other Blogger page. The rest came as search results from Google: people searching for something that just happens to be on this blog. And people look for some stupid stuff.

In fact, if you google "stupidest place," my blog is the third result. If you google the phrases "'Everyone has AIDS'" and "'is not funny'," this blog is numero uno. (Mind you, you have to search for the phrases separately, because I would never say "'Everyone Has AIDS' is not funny," because it's fucking hilarious.) I'm only one of two people who noticed that the new nickel features only "half of Jefferson's head." And, apparently, no one has ever quoted from The 40-Year Old Virgin, because the phrase "lines from The 40-Year Old Virgin" is on this and one other site.

The odd thing about this is that people actually look for things that are on this blog. I "blog" for my own enjoyment, and put down whatever happens to be in my head at the time. The fact that there is at least one other person on this planet that happens to have the same things going through their head at any given time is scary. Time to start writing in coded messages, I guess.

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Planet Of The Apes (But Were Afraid To Ask)

I usually don't feel the need to comment on DVD releases, but there's one coming out this spring that really does deserve some mention.

It's called Planet of the Apes: The Ultimate DVD Collection. It contains the five original Apes movies and the excellent documentary, Beyond the Planet of the Apes, that were included in Fox's previous Apes boxset, and Tim Burton's remake of Planet of the Apes.

Now, this may not seem like a big deal, as Fox just appears to have added a shitty movie to an existing boxset, but there's more. Also included is every episode of the Planet of the Apes TV series, as well as every episode of the Return to the Planet of the Apes cartoon series. The only thing not included is a copy of Pierre Boulle's original novel.

And, as if that wasn't enough, it all comes packaged in an incredibly scary bust of Caesar, the damn dirty ape that overthrew the humans in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. (And while I couldn't find a picture of the actual package, if you can imagine a life-size replica of the above picture of Caesar, you have some idea of the monstrosity that will be sitting on top of your TV.)

So, if you're a Planet of the Apes completist freak, it doesn't get any more complete than this.

Happy Birthday, Blog

It does not seem like I've been doing this thing for a year, but, I'll be damned if I haven't. I realize that over the past year that the quality has deteriorated greatly to where I'm just typing a bunch of letters, and I can only hope that the next year brings even worse.

Thanks for tuning in.

The Worst Movie Everyone Loves

Quentin Tarantino has terrible taste in movies. Actually, I stated that wrong: Tarantino has a taste for terrible movies. Everything he lists as his influences and the "sources" for all his movies would make most peoples' "Movies I Hated" Lists.

Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. Movies like Lady Snowblood and They Call Her One Eye (the "inspirations" behind Kill Bill) are completely enjoyable crap that have a surprisingly large cult following. But, they are just that: crap. Some people don't appreciate things like a samurai movie filled with sex and violence. And that's fine; they're not for everybody.

But Tarantino doesn't seem to get this. He seems to feel almost obligated to shove all the shit that he loves right in the public's face, to get them to love it too. He might say that he thinks Fulci's The Beyond is the Greatest Horror Movie Ever, and then people take his word on it, and go out and see it, and find out it's actually a piece of shit. (As a Fulci fan, I will say that The Beyond is probably Fulci's best film, but, yes, it is a piece of shit.) It's great that your influences are kinda offbeat, but they're so off the beaten path that they only appeal to a small sliver of the audience. (This is also the reason Kill Bill totally blew, because the only person that could enjoy everything crammed into it is Tarantino. It's the ultimate fanboy movie, but just for that one fanboy.) I didn't think the object of filmmaking was to alienate your audience, but I don't make movies, so I'm not an expert on the subject. (If Tarantino hadn't made Pulp Fiction, he wouldn't be worth wasting any time on.)

All that being said, it doesn't surprise me that Tarantino got his name attached to Hostel, Eli Roth's follow up to Cabin Fever, which, in some circles, was seen as the revival of the "R-rated" horror movie. (I thought that honor went to Scream, but I'm probably wrong on that, too.) Oh sure, Cabin Fever was R-rated, and bloody as hell, but it was also completely moronic. To say it saved the horror movie (and this is not my line, but I use it cuz it's hilarious) is like saying Nickelback saved rock-and-roll. (Ha ha. Nickelback.)

From what I've read, Tarantino was so enamored with Cabin Fever that he persuaded Roth into making a similarly gory follow-up, as opposed to the studio-recommended material he was considering making. And so, we ended up with Hostel. (And speaking of studios, when did the studio that released Hostel, Lion's Gate Films, once a very brave indie studio, become content with releasing nothing but ripoffs of SAW? Those dollar signs turned LGF into a bigger whore than Miramax.)

I'll just come right out and say it: I love gory exploitation films, and Hostel was a complete piece of trash. I hated it so much, I'm considering suing Roth and LGF to get my $3.00 admission and that hour and a half of my life back. (Yeah, I paid three bucks to see this movie, and I'm still pissed.) Oh, there's plenty of blood and guts to go around. The blood gets ladled out like watery soup down at the homeless shelter. No complaints there. But to call this a "movie" would imply that there is some sort of central idea, or "plot," as they call it in the biz, behind all this bloodshed. Nope. None. Any scene in this "movie" that doesn't involve tits (which are plentiful as well) or blood is basically just filler until the next scene that involves tits and blood. To use an earlier example, The Beyond has such a simple plot that the screenplay could have been written on a cocktail napkin, but it has a plot. The gore isn't the driving force in that movie; there just happens to be a ton of it that pops up from time to time. The only reason to watch Hostel is for the gore, because there isn't anything but gore (oh, and tits) to watch. I can sum up Hostel's "plot" in six words: Three morons enter Slovakia (Slovakia?? Who the fuck goes to Slovakia?!? Maybe they thought it was still part of the Czech Republic) and die. Add approximately 90 minutes worth of sex and violence to that, and that's Hostel.

It's tragic that people are actually paying money and going through the theatre-imposed hassles to see this movie. (Not only was I carded, I had to pass a security checkpoint to enter the actual theatre.) It will only encourage Roth to make more movies, and Tarantino to promote them, and both of these guys are about T-plus 20 minutes past their fame running out.

But, after all this bashing, I will say one thing about Hostel: It was better than the similarly-themed Wolf Creek, which was so bad that I kept hoping the characters would die faster, so that the movie would be over. So it's got that going for it.

Go see Munich instead. Best movie I've seen this year.

Giving People Waaay More Credit Than They Deserve

There's a commercial airing on national television for something called the Faraday Flashlight. It's pictured at right, and you can view the commercial here.

The commercial states that the flashlight works due to Faraday's Law of Induction, which deals with electromagnetic fields. They're also nice enough to give us the scientific equation for Faraday's Law,

just in case we thought they were bullshitting us.

Quick show of hands: Who here knows what Faraday's Law is? What, two? OK, here's an easier one: Who here knows who Michael Faraday is? That's about what I thought...

I think this commercial may be a little too technical for its own good. I've never seen any other product that states the scientific theory behind it. People don't give a shit what Field Theory makes this flashlight work; they just want to know that it works when you shake it, and that it doesn't need batteries. It's nice to see a company using the laws of physics to make a more efficient product, but we don't need the physics lesson. People don't care about the chemical equations pharmaceutical companies put in their drug commercials, and they don't care about the physics equations in this commercial. They just want to know that it works. You may as well say it's powered by magic. That's how little people care about that shit.

We appreciate the effort, but can ya dum it down a little next time?

Funniest Episode Ever

If you missed Monday's episode of Arrested Development, you missed probably the funniest half-hour of television ever. And, if you're not watching the show, you're contributing to the downfall of society, as this is the best show on TV, and not watching it only causes it to get canceled.

Seriously, start watching (Mondays at 8/7c), and buy the DVDs while you're at it. You're going to help keep this show on the air if it kills you.

Marquette's Big East Debut

As I've lamented before, Marquette joining the Big East always seemed like a big mistake to me. But, as it turns out, maybe it's not such a bad thing. Sure, Marquette can barely beat creampuffs like Oral Roberts and Winthrop, but they completely destroyed Connecticut, the #2 team in the nation, in their Big East debut. I guess if you're going to blow your load all at once, that's the way to do it. I suspect 0-15 for the rest of the season. Go Warri...uh, Golden Eagles!!

Pirates Have A New Name

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Osama Just Shit Himself

This month's GQ features an article on Saudi Arabian model and singer Wafah Dufour (who is pictured at left). Typically, this would be no big whoop, as I'm sure there are plenty of Saudi model/singers (though I'm at a loss to name one), but this one has something special going for her: She just happens to be the niece of Public Enemy #1, Osama bin Laden.

Now, it's worth noting here that Ms. Dufour is actually an American citizen, born and bred. She lives in New York and went to Columbia Law School. She is not required by law to wear a shroud when she goes out in public.

But, in Saudi Arabia, which is an Islamic country, Wafah would probably be brought up on capital charges for showing so much as an ankle, which is a lot less than what she's showing in that picture.

Which is why I find it hilarious that she's bin Laden's niece. He's a seriously Fundamentalist nut, and shit like this, especially within his own family, must drive him absolutely batshit. I'm sure he sent one of his followers out to find a copy of the issue, prayed to Allah like 900 times for pre-forgiveness for the sin he was about to commit, and then looked at the pictures and shit a golden statue of Buddha.

But, ya know, like a lot of nutty Fundamentalist people of every other religious creed, I bet Osama has that creepy side that goes against his religion. He probably carries around a 1963 issue of Playboy under his beard that he frequently masturbates to when he's all by himself. I'll bet that after he got done with his half-hour rant about the wickedness of the Western world and how it has besmirched his family's blood for the benefit of his disciples, he secretly tore out those pages and stashed them away for later use. "OOooo, my wicked niece! Allah curses you! You are dirty, dirty...DIRTY!! You wicked, dirty, sexy niece! Hey guys, I have to go to the bathroom."

Face it, Osama: You'd be as interested as performing a wankological study on your niece as the rest of the Western world is. You dirty old pervert; you're going straight to Hell.

The Strokes Are Done

Remember when The Strokes' first record came out, and everyone just shit themselves about how great it was? I usually don't fall for this kind of buzz, as I have "shitty taste in music," but it turns out everyone was right: it was a great record. (The only other record that turned out to be as good as its word of mouth was Exile in Guyville. I defy anyone to prove that Slanted and Enchanted and OK Computer are even listenable.)

And, after a while, they came out with Room on Fire. A pretty good album, with catchy tunes to spare, but pretty much the same as Is This It.

And now, we have First Impressions of Earth. And I feel that I'm pretty safe in saying that if you own either of the other two Strokes records, that there's no need to own this one, as it's pretty much a Greatest Hits Record, but all the songs are new.

None of this really surprises me. When Room on Fire came out, and it sounded exactly like Is This It, I kinda suspected The Strokes had hit their creative peak. Turns out, they did.

Not that this is a bad thing. It's alright to put out records that all sound the same, to an extent. Linkin Park has put out the same record twice, and they're both great. And Is This It and Room on Fire are both great. The danger is that you start to suck if you keep putting out the same record over and over. Weezer has put out the same record five times, two records past their sound's expiration date, and Aerosmith has been putting out the same record for 20 years, and everyone knows they honk on bobo.

Music ceases to be interesting if every song sounds the same. You've got to change something if you want people to stay interested. Take Liz Phair, for example. Her latest record doesn't sound anything like Exile in Guyville. I'm sure she's lost some fans for that very reason (because indie snobs actually are snobs), but I'm sure she's gained just as many with her new sound. (Call me a sucker, but I'm still a Liz fan, even though she seriously sold out.) I'm not sure what the fanbase for early-80s New York underground-rock tribute bands is, but I'm sure there's a much larger fanbase in some other genre that maybe The Strokes should cultivate before they alienate everyone.

Maybe I'm way off base here, but check it out, and I'll bet you'll say, "Is this it?," same as I did.

Red Sox Fans: Get Over It

All I've been reading or seeing in sports the past week or so is about how pissed that Red Sox fans are about losing Johnny Damon to free agency. Well, I'm here to tell you to drink a warm cup of shut the fuck up and get over it.

But then, Red Sox fans have always been whiners. They whined about Carlton Fisk leaving, they whined about Clemens leaving, and now this just follows the typical pattern. Maybe that 19 year old wunderkind you have running the team doesn't know what he's doing...oh wait, you don't have him anymore either.

Look, even though your team fucked up, there's no need to complain about it all the time. Look at Cubs fans. They lost Joe Carter, a five-time All-Star who won two championships with another team; Rafael Palmeiro, who left to have (and ruin) a Hall of Fame career; and Greg Maddox, who became one of the best pitchers in history on another team. And the Cubs are now the record holder for World Series drought. You hear them complaining?

The funniest thing about this to everyone but you fans is that Damon ended up with the Yankees. Remember when the Sox traded the best player in the history of baseball to the Yankees? This is just about as funny. It's even funnier that even after signing Outfield Jesus that the Yankees also resigned been-with-the-Yankees-for-50-years Bernie Williams. They didn't really need Damon, but they signed him anyway. What a bunch of dicks.

But, quite honestly, this whole episode could have been avoided had your club just gotten out the fucking checkbook and resigned Damon. Fifty-two million? Are you saving that up so that you can resign ManRam for another year or so of constant bitching? With the money you saved not resigning The Lord, Our Savior, you could bring back Nomar...oh wait, you missed out on that one, too.

I'm glad the Red Sox won the Series last year, because, if they continue to run the club like this, it'll be another 86 years before they win another one.

The Demuttification of Dogs

If I asked you what kind of dog was pictured above, you'd probably say, "Some mutt you picked up from the side of the road for free." Ten years ago, the name and the price would have been correct. Today, it's called a Labradoodle, and they cost as much as a purebred dog.

But "hybrid" dogs like Labradoodles and Cockapoos have been around for years, and, while they're not recognized by any of the dog "governing bodies," they are pretty much considered purebred dogs.

The Girl and I were at the pet store the other day, and I noticed a disturbing trend: There are more and more of these hybrid dogs popping up. They had a dog called a Schnoodle, which was a Schnauzer with a Poodle's curly hair, and another called a Puggle, which was a Beagle with a smashed-in Pug face.

Now, if the world wasn't insane, these dogs would be called "mutts," and we would be picking them up at the Humane Society for $50. But, because we are all insane, these dogs have fancy names, breeding associations, and cost $500.

Have we reached a place in our history where dogs with mixed geneology are bred with similar dogs to come up with a pure(hy)bred dog? Will we reach a point where two different hybrids are crossed to produce Whatthefucks? And why is it that Poodles, one of the ugliest dogs ever, seem to be one of the components of most hybrids?

Every dog but one that I've owned has been a mutt. (The one exception was a Scottie, and I wish someone would have bred the barking gene out of him.) I didn't care that they weren't purebred, or that they didn't have some fancy name. I loved them because they were dogs. But, apparently, I was a pretty stupid kid. If I'd have been smarter, I would have sought out a similarly bred mate for the best "hybrid dog" I ever owned: a St. Bernard/Newfoundland cross. I could have called them Newfernards, and sold them for $1000 a pop, easy. I think that's a pretty fair price for the biggest fucking "mutt" I've ever seen.

The Best News In History

I realize that any given episode of Arrested Development draws more viewers than all five Showtime channels combined, but this would still be pretty cool:

Arrested Going To Cable?

MySpace: The Stupidest Place On Earth

Yes, I know MySpace was already stupid, but it has now transcended into a place of almost God-like stupidity with this: a page by The Carver. Yes, the fucking Carver from Nip/Tuck.

Sweet Jesus.

Tookie Williams, 1953-2005

I want all my loyal readers out there to take off your blue bandanas, and bow your heads in a moment of silence for Tookie Williams.



Done? Good. Now we can get on with celebrating the precious life of this convicted murderer and notorious gang founder.

I'm not sure why Tookie and all of his supporters thought that Governor Terminator would overturn his four-count murder conviction. Is that all you have to do to gain sympathy now: recant your evil ways and claim it wasn't you? If I'm not mistaken, every criminal in history has done this, and I can't help notice that a lot of them don't get off.

Maybe Tookie thought Arnold would be lenient on him the way that G.W. Bush (who would put a motherfucker to death for jaywalking) was with Henry Lee Lucas, who actually confessed to 3000 or so murders. (The fact that no one could prove that Lucas ever actually committed a murder may have had something to do with his pardon, but I may be going out on a limb on that one.) I guess Tookie maybe chose the wrong state to start a gang and kill people in.

But, Tookie was a great man, and his contributions to society are greatly appreciated by those living in the Greater Los Angeles area. He will be missed.

Last Five Movies

Walk The Line (2005)
First off, let me say that this is a good movie (even though it fibs the truth a little), and will probably win plenty of awards. The problem I have with it is that Joaquin Phoenix really doesn't sound like Johnny Cash (or look like him, for that matter). (Reese comes off better as June Carter, but June had a generic voice anyway.) Joaquin would maybe place in the top 25 in a Johnny Cash sound-alike contest. Maybe. There's no need to so totally immerse yourself in a character that you need to mimic their singing voice. Jamie Foxx actually sounds like Ray Charles, yet felt no need to sing like him, and look how that turned out for him. An example Joaquin should have followed here.

Derailed (2005)
A movie with a ridiculous plot that actually seems to work (albeit pretty stupidly). What doesn't work is that I just can't see cheating on Melissa George with Jennifer Aniston. It's pretty much a toss-up, but I'd have to go with Melissa. I guess Clive deserves what he gets, the dumbass.

Just Friends (2005)
Not sure how one becomes a Ryan Reynolds fan, but seeing as I've seen his last four movies in the theatre, I believe I've involuntarily become one. His newest is pretty funny, despite the fact that it's really stupid. The funniest bits are when Reynolds and Chris Klein are both geeks. And, apparently, Reynolds' character became a heterosexual when he lost all that weight, because there's no way he's not gay when he's fat. No wonder he can't get the girl.

A Night At The Opera (1935)
I realize this movie is 70 years old, but it's still funnier than hell. A very close second to Duck Soup as the Best Marx Brothers Movie. And, yes, the gags are old-timey and corny, but that doesn't make them any less hilarious.

Hard to top on the Marx Brothers, but here goes...

Syriana (2005)
Probably the best movie I've seen this year (and, as you can see, I've been watching a lot of Oscar contenders). The movie is somehow more complex than Traffic, Gaghan's other intricately plotted masterpiece. And even though it's based on a book that's 10 years old, its blood-for-oil theme is more relevant now than it was then. Should rightfully be nominated for Best Picture, just so it can lose to the big monkey or gay cowboy movie. C'est la vie.

Sony Is Sneaky

When it comes to technological breakthroughs, Sony has taken some serious beatings over the years. Their Betamax was killed by VHS, their MiniDisc failed to replace the CD, and its ATRAC audio format has not caught on as an MP3 killer. And now, they're about to get into another fight-to-the-death for video supremacy.

The next breakthrough in media technology is the introduction of the high definition video disc. We have TVs that are HD capable, we have TV signals that are broadcast in HD, we're even able to shoot movies in HD. Yet, we have no way to play HD movies at home. But that's about to change.

Now, Sony has never been happy just going with the crowd and marketing someone else's technology. They always want to set the standard. Sometimes it works (Walkman, PlayStation), sometimes it doesn't (Betamax, MiniDisc). And the HD video disc is no different.

Toshiba was the first out the gate with the HD-DVD. It quickly gained the support of many techies and movie studios. And then Sony came out with Blu-Ray, its somewhat more technologically-advanced version. And things have kinda shifted the other way now.

While neither format has been released in a significant way yet, HD-DVD seems to have the advantage. Its discs are less advanced than Blu-Ray's, and are exactly the same size as DVDs, and will therefore be easier (and cheaper) to produce. Both formats have split studio support down the middle, with some studios agreeing to distribute movies in both formats. And, while Blu-Ray has gained the support of Dell and Apple (the people who make computers), Intel and Microsoft (the people who make computers work) back HD-DVD. It's also rumored that Wal Mart will sell HD-DVD players when they become available.

So, Sony appears to have backed itself into a corner once again. While its format will have better sound and video, more capacity, and more data layers than HD-DVD, it appears as though the consumer will kill the format. A lot of movie watchers don't give a fuck about audio and video quality; they just want movies as cheaply as they can get them. And with Blu-Ray players expected to start at $1000, Sony appears to have priced itself right out of the marketplace.

But Sony has been through this before. They know how to take a beating and keep living. So they pulled some sneaky shit that will give them a leg-up on the HD-V market: When the PlayStation 3 comes out next year, every unit will come with a built-in Blu-Ray player. These will, more than likely, be the first HD players to hit the market. And, they basically come for free with a game system that people are going to pay $400 for anyway. Even if Sony doesn't sell a single stand-alone Blu-Ray player, it will already have millions of them in peoples' homes. It's an absolutely brilliant move (and one that has Microsoft considering rereleasing the XBox 360 with an HD-DVD drive). If Sony wants to win this fight, this is the way to do it.

Now, they just have to hope that people buy the PS3. Otherwise, they might be fucked.

AIDS Now Officially A Joke

In a show of support for AMFAR, designer Kenneth Cole has rolled out an AIDS-awareness campaign with plenty of celebrity endorsers. To show your support, you can buy one of the shirts pictured at right. Now, I know AIDS is a serious health issue and is not funny at all, but then why did I laugh my ass off when I saw this shirt?

My guess would be that the shirt's message, "We All Have AIDS," is bordering on copyright infringement territory with "Everyone Has AIDS," the song-and-dance number from Team America, which was funny.

Maybe Kenneth saw Team America, and said, "Wow, 'Everyone Has AIDS.' That could be a slogan or something..." Yeah, it could. A funny slogan, like something you'd put in a movie where all the actors are puppets.

If you want to raise AIDS awareness, you maybe want a slogan like, "We're All Affected By AIDS," or anything else, for that matter, as long as it doesn't make me think of singing and dancing puppets. (So, "AIDS: Fuck Yeah!" is right out as well.) I shouldn't be laughing at AIDS, but you're kinda forcing me to here, Kenny.

X-Men 3 Trailer Out There

The trailer for the new X-Men movie is online now, and it does not appear to totally suck.

X3 Trailer

Brad Pitt Makes Hasty Decisions

This weekend, as reported by every newssource on the planet, Brad Pitt decided to adopt Angelina Jolie's adopted children. And while it may seem like a noble gesture for one millionaire to adopt the children of another millionaire, I don't think Brad gave this decision the due diligence it requires.

For, you see, when Brad and Angie break up (and I'd give them two years tops), should Angie choose to be so spiteful, she could sue Brad for child support, because he would legally be them babies' daddy. In fact, as they aren't currently married (or dating, as far as I can tell), she could petition for support as soon as the adoption paperwork goes through. That's kind of a "worst case scenario," but stranger things have been known to happen.

I'm not sure who Brad gets his legal advice from, but he appears to be earning every penny of his $5.75 an hour fee. He's good. Real good.

How To Show Tits On Network TV (And Have No One Notice)

A week or so ago, there was an episode of The O.C. in which Mischa Barton's boob popped out of her top. As I don't watch The O.C., I didn't see the scene when it aired, but a 30 second search on the internet turned it up. (I only know one person who actually watches The O.C., and I've called him a fag many times for doing so. With this sort of "tit"ilation happening on the show, maybe he's not so gay after all. But I doubt it.) Having watched the clip, what amazes me is not that they showed tits on TV (as they're on all the time), but that they managed to sneak unnoticed onto primetime network TV.

I assume this show is shot on film with a single camera, so there wasn't a second camera that managed to get a better shot. And, if there happened to be a second take, this is the one they used. Mischa obviously noticed it happened, as she quickly rearranges her boobage. But no one else seems to have noticed. Not the cast or crew, during filming or the viewing of the dailies. Not the editor, who must have seen the scene while cutting the show together. Nor the network censors, who, I assume, must have watched the final cut to watch for FCC-offending material just like this. And hence, Mischa's tits make their network television debut.

So, how exactly does something like this go unnoticed by so many people? It's not as though this was a live telecast where Justin Timberlake "unexpectedly" tore Mischa's top off. It's a taped show that plenty of people get to see before it airs. I suspect a network-wide conspiracy that goes a little something like this:

Man #1: Umm, did Mischa's tit just pop out?
Man #2: No. No, it didn't.
Man #1: Well. All righty then.

And, apparently, if this little exchange takes place enough times, you can show tits on network TV and have no one "notice." No one except any viewers at home and anyone with access to the web. But, honestly: How many people could that possibly be?

Reggie Bush Was Crazy Good Back In The Day

Everyone knows that Reggie Bush is good. He's helped the USC Trojans to the last two NCAA football championships. He's the leading candidate for the Heisman this year, and he's an offensive threat regardless of where he is on the field.

But, if you think he's impressive now, wait until you see this crazy video (courtesy of The New York Times) of him in high school. (The video is linked under Reggie's picture.)

If I was a player on one of the opposing teams, I would commit suicide after some of the shit that Reggie pulls here. You could put leg irons and a straitjacket on the guy, and he'd still be the best player on the field. Yes, he really is that good.

Thanksgiving: A Good Day For Bad News

As I predicted in this post, ABC has gone and canceled the JJ Abrams show that isn't keeping the network out of last place. Not that I'm surprised...

Alias, like people, has been dying since it was born. It was only really good that first season, and parts of the second season. It's gone downhill ever since. The once-complicated plotlines are now less complicated than any given episode of Blue's Clues. And I'm sure fans have noticed this, and are turning away in droves.

While this show has been deserving its cancellation for quite some time, I don't think Rachel Nichols, who plays "Hot Girl" on the show, deserves the fate that has befallen her: She has somehow managed to star in two shows that have been canceled this year. (The other was The Inside, a summer show that lasted a whopping seven episodes, of which, I saw one.) That's something to be proud of on your resume.

It was a good run while it lasted. Which brings us to the other bit of bad news...

The Newlyweds themselves, Nick and Jessica, announced that they were busting up, a fact already known by everyone. (And by "everyone," I mean every living creature on Earth, including animals. My cats have been talking about this for months.) And they announce this like we're supposed to be surprised. "WWWHHHHHHHHAaaattt?!? Nick and Jessica busted up??!? NOOOOO!? Really??" Well, let's see: IMDB claims that Dukes of Hazzard was shot at the end of 2004, which is when Jessica "allegedly" fucked Johnny Knoxville, AND, also happens to be around the same time that Nick "allegedly" fucked Jessica Jaymes, so, yeah, the entire world has known this relationship was done for about a year. But, apparently, Nick and Jessie are so stupid that they just now realized they were done. Way to kid yourselves to another anniversary. Good job, you dummies.

Family Guy Is Funny

I usually don't watch Family Guy, but, the other night, I fell asleep during The Simpsons, and when I awoke, Family Guy was on. And, let me tell ya: that show is funny.

Not just funny funny, but cancer funny; genocide-in-Somalia funny even. Especially the scene where Peter sprays Lois off the toilet with the garden hose, and then drowns her in the lake, Susan Smith-style. I haven't laughed that hard since Mother Teresa died (and I laughed so hard then that I pissed blood).

I now see why Fox chose to cancel Arrested Development and keep Family Guy. If a show isn't as funny as the time your dad died in a car wreck, why would you keep it on the air? Makes perfect sense to me.

Nice Hair, You Tools

One of the most fucked up things about MySpace (which I love, BTW) is the pictures that people post of themselves. Allow me to draw your attention to a compilation of some really classic pics:

The First Annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards (courtesy of demonbaby)

What's remarkable is not the amount of research it took to find these hairdos, because just randomly clicking through peoples' friends lists will give you those; it's the amount of research that went into matching them with Marvel Comics characters. That's outstanding. Bravo.

That's A Lot For One Fucking Poster

Remember how, in this post, I mentioned Tony Nourmand and the high-end material he deals in? If you wondered what I meant by "high-end," this deal, brokered by Tony, should give you a pretty good idea:

The Most Expensive Poster Ever

This poster (pictured at right) has a interesting history. Andrew Cohen bought it from another high-end collector named Matt Shapiro. Shapiro has a large collection of rare and valuable posters, including a Star Wars style C with another poster for an unproduced movie printed on the back. (Needless to say, a one-of-a-kind item, and one he attempted to sell on eBay for years.)

A number of years after Shapiro sold this poster, another copy of it came up for auction at Sotheby's. The estimate for this poster, which had been professionally restored to mint condition, was over $400,000. Shapiro was so pissed that he had sold his unrestored and better condition copy of the poster for less money, that he somehow managed to obtain pictures of the Sotheby's poster in its pre-restoration condition, which was pretty poor, and sold them on eBay. Word of these pictures got around (people obviously saw the pictures, as they were right there on the internet), and the results were so damaging that the poster received only one bid when it came up for auction. Unfortunately, that bid was for $360,000, and was from someone who had not seen the pictures. (D'OH!!)

If that sale, for a poster he never actually owned, pissed Shapiro off, imagine how this new sale, for a poster he did own, makes him feel. Pretty fucking sore, I'd imagine.

Spammers Love Meiko Kaji

It's the only reason I can explain why they're drawn to
this post, which happens to prominently feature Meiko Kaji.

At least twice a day, this particular post gets spammed with comments like, "Hey, you have a really nice blog here. You should check out my site. It pretty much covers lawn mowers and related stuff." (I actually wish I got spam from big companies like that.) And I do what every person does: I delete them. And they keep reappearing, from a different person every time. But the fucked up thing is that they only appear on that one post: a post that isn't even on the front page any more, a post that's eight months old.

And the only reason I can come up with as to why this happens is that blog spammers love Meiko Kaji. But, then again, who doesn't love Meiko Kaji? She was Lady Snowblood, for Fuck's sake!

The Craziest Auction Ever

One of my oh-so-numerous hobbies is collecting vintage movie posters. I've been doing it since I was a tweenager, and have amassed quite a collection over the years. Nothing spectacular; just mostly stuff I like.

After you've seriously been into the hobby for a number of years, you get to know some of the people in the "biz," and by "biz," I mean the poster-selling bizness. Like Sam Sarowitz, who owns the Posteritati Gallery in New York, and sells to famous people like Martin Scorcese. Or Tony Nourmand, owner of the Reel Art Gallery in London, who has written most of the definitive books on poster collecting. (His new book on James Bond posters is great.)

But, while Sam and Tony may be the Bloomingdale's and Harrods of the poster selling world, there is no one bigger than Bruce Hershenson. Bruce is Wal-Mart.

Anyone who has been collecting for any amount of time knows who Bruce is. Bruce's Tuesday night eBay auctions, where he lists between 500 and 1000 posters week, ranging from the '20s to the new millenium, in all shapes, sizes and conditions, draw hundreds of viewers. And while a majority of his items aren't the high-end material that Tony and Sam sell, I'll be damned if he doesn't sell 75-80% of his stuff every week. (I purchased the DOTD poster pictured above from a Bruce auction, as well as many others.) And at a premium price, because, well, it's Bruce, and his reputation alone commands a premium. There, honestly, is no one bigger.

That's why it came as a surprise when I checked Bruce's listings this week, and found this auction. Two million dollars buys you what is rightfully called the "#1 movie poster business in the world." That is some seriously crazy shit.

But, while this auction may be seen as crazy (and caused quite a stink amongst collectors), it's not as crazy as stipulation #3:

3. They must offer a long term contract to Phillip Wages, my number one employee (eMoviePoster.com would not be eMoviePoster.com without Phillip)!

And while that may not seem entirely crazy to the lay person/non-collector, to collectors, it's akin to blasphemy.

Ya see, about six months ago, Phil Wages was almost entirely responsible for getting Bruce kicked off eBay. Turns out, he had been bidding on Bruce's auctions (allegedly, for his own personal collection) from one of the office computers. Some people might call this "trying to win an auction"; others (me included) might call this "shill bidding": placing bids on your own items to artificially inflate the price. And it's impossible to tell what Phil was "bidding" on, since all of Bruce's auctions are private, and don't show any bidder info. EBay found out and tossed The Bruce out. After a brief investigation, he was reinstated, but any serious collector who'd bid on his auctions felt pretty burned. While I've forgiven him somewhat, there are still people who refuse to bid on his stuff for this reason. (That and the fact that Bruce played it off as though he had done nothing wrong, and that it was all eBay's fault. Suuuuurrre it was.)

So, if you happen to have $2 million just laying around the house, feel free to bid. If nothing else, even if the business tanks, you'll get a shitload of posters out of the deal.

Arrested Development Has Arrested Development

As I predicted a while back, Fox has all but canceled Arrested Development. They suspended the show for what seemed like six months for baseball, cut back their show order from 22 to 13, and pulled the show from its lineup for the rest of the month. They may not officially be on "hiatus" (a clever industry term for "canceled"), but it doesn't look good.

It's fascinating that Fox isn't even attempting to keep The Funniest Show on Television on televisions. When was the last time you saw a promo spot for Arrested Development, a six-time Emmy winner? Never, as far as I can tell. Yet there is a promo for Family Guy (a show that has been canceled not once, but twice, and will probably get canceled again) roughly every eight seconds. And this for a show that isn't even funny. Imagine the ratings Arrested Development could get if people knew it was on TV. (I can't badmouth Fox too badly for not promoting it, as they have devoted no fewer than six websites to the show, the best being this "I'm Oscar" site. But, honestly, who the fuck looks at anything on the internet?)

So, all we can do is wait and see if Arrested Development returns next year. In the meantime, sign one or both of these online petitions (here and here) to save Arrested Development. I have; it's the least I can do for a show that makes me piss my pants laughing on a weekly basis.

MySpace: Making The Web Not-Fun

Remember Friendster? Yeah, me neither. MySpace has surpassed it in "friendliness" in such a big way that Rupert Murdoch recently bought it to add to his already-huge News Corp. empire. That's awesome that the old fossil wants to "get down" with the teens. Too bad he bought such a shitty site.

"WHHAAAAAAAA??!? I LOVE MySpace!!" Well, I'm sure you do. It's a perfectly nice place to trade banalities with people you don't know. The problem with it is that it takes away the one freedom that the internet grants all of us: to do and say whatever we want, wherever we want, with almost total anonymity.

Most sites, if they have message boards or comment-enabled blogs, you can go on there and post your Nazi hate propaganda, or tell people about your home-refinancing site, or start a fight about Tony Danza's best movie roles, and there's really not much anyone can do about it (other than kick you off, or backtrack your IP address and come to your house and kill you).

But MySpace is above those kind of shenanigans. Let's say you're looking at a band's MySpace page, and you've heard their album that inconveniently plays when you visit their page, and you want to tell them that they make Molly Hatchet sound like Molly Hatshit. Or you see some girl's picture on a page, and want to tell her she has big tits, or that her face resembles your dog's ass. Any other place on the Web, you're good to go. But not on MySpace.

In order to do any of the above on MySpace, you have to "befriend" the person you want to talk to. You have to send them an email and ask them if you can be their "friend," so that you can make fun of them (and there's a lot of shit to make fun of on MySpace). Failure to do this will result in the message "You must be this person's friend to [do whatever]." Even if you just want to throw them a "Hey, how's it goin'," or "I think your blog is 'cool'," no can do. Based upon your profile, which may be real or total bullshit, whoever you want to talk to may not give you the time of day. What the fuck is this? Real life?

I'm sure when Tim Berners-Lee developed the World Wide Web, he didn't envision a place where the free exchange of information was allowed only amongst a select group of "friends." In fact, I believe this is the direct opposite of his vision. (I'm sure he didn't envision a lot of the things his creation would be used for, but fuck him for being so shortsighted.) If you want to call someone a tool in their comments, well, goddamnit, you should be able to. It's hard enough for most people to make friends in real life, and now we want them to do the same thing in this fantasy world we call "the internet." After a hard day at the office or school or wherever, we just want the free exchange of whatever, with no strings attached. And you can do that. Just not in the exclusionary world of MySpace. Sounds like some bullshit to me.

But, to show there's no hard feelings, I've made a MySpace profile. Feel free to become my "friend"; I won't turn you away. But, be warned: If you're going to get on there and tell me that Tony Danza's role as the monkey car driver in Cannonball Run 2 isn't his Best Ever, you and I can't be friends anymore.

Exorcist: The Shittening

Couple of questions:
1) How bad does a movie have to be that, instead of releasing it, the studio chooses to shelve it and totally remake the film?
2) What studio is crazy enough to spend $80 million to make two movies, and only attempt to recover half of that?

Answers? Read on...

This week marks the video release of Dominion, a prequel to The Exorcist. I say "a prequel" instead of "the prequel," because there are actually two of them. "How the fuck does that happen?" you ask.

Well, ya see, back in 2002, Warner Brothers decided they wanted to revive the Exorcist franchise for the third time, and decided to make a prequel to The Exorcist that would follow the life of Father Merrin before the happenings in The Exorcist.

So, they brought in Caleb Carr and William Wisher (two pretty good writers) to write a script and hired Paul Schrader to direct. They brought in a full cast and crew and made a movie that became Dominion.

Now, usually, when a movie is in the can, and the studio doesn't like it, two things tend to happen: it gets thrown "on the shelf" for possible later use, or the studio attempts to fix what it thinks is wrong with the movie so they can release it and recoup their investment. But, apparently, Warner Brothers is not your "usual" studio. They didn't like Dominion. But, they decided that, rather than fix it, they would make an entirely new movie. (If this sort of thinking sounds insane, it really is no wonder that TimeWarner, Warners Brothers' parent company, would go on to post a $99 billion loss that year. That's insane.) They brought in a hack to "scary" up the script, hired Renny Harlin (whose Mindhunters had just been shelved) to direct, recalled some of the cast and crew, and made Exorcist: The Beginning. This is the movie that passed muster and made into theaters.

However, I guess after a couple of years, Warners decided Dominion didn't look so bad after all (or probably because they lost money on The Beginning), and gave it like a six minute theatrical release. And now it's on video, two years after being thrown on the shelf.

I saw Exorcist: The Beginning, and, after watching it, really couldn't imagine what could be any worse than what actually got released. Having just seen Dominion, now I know.

It's not that it's the worst movie ever; it's that it's boring as hell. Paul Schrader's a cerebral director (and a bit of a nut), and he was obviously going for more of a thinking man's horror movie. Filming a funeral procession may have turned out to be more terrifying. Harlin's version, while incredibly stupid, at least had the decency to be somewhat scary. Both versions turned out to be about as good as Exorcist 2, and that's really not good at all.

So, the moral of this story: Why make one movie when you can make two, or, Always throw good money after bad. If you ever have $80 million to throw down the toilet, take this lesson as a perfectly good way not to spend it.