Constantine Gets Me To Thinkin'

The Girl and I saw Constantine opening night, and as far as Heaven v. Hell Movies go, it's pretty enjoyable. But something about its premise (and that of all Heaven v. Hell Movies, for that matter) is problematic. So problematic, in fact, that it fucks with the entire foundation of Christianity.

The basic premise of all Heaven v. Hell Movies (the Prophecy movies are a good example) is that angels and demons fight each other on Earth. The reason they fight each other always has something to do with The War of The Angels, wherein Lucifer, himself a former angel, led a rebellion of other angels against God, and, in losing, got himself and his followers banished to Hell. So, the angels and demons continue this fight on Earth throughout the centuries. It's Homeric melodrama of literally biblical proportions. There's one problem with this biblical story, though: it's not in the Bible.

Now, let me clarify something here. I am, by no means, a biblical scholar. Everything I know about the Bible I learned in Sunday School 20 years ago (that shit stuck, though; I will fuck up any Bible category on Jeopardy). I've only read bits and pieces of the Bible. But, I have a pretty good understanding of what is and isn't in there. And this "War" ain't in there (there is a small passage in Revelations that makes mention of Lucifer being tossed from Heaven, but Solomon cutting the baby in half gets more page time than this supposedly epic battle). In fact, only two angels are mentioned by name: Michael (once played by Travolta) and Gabriel (played three times by Walken).

So, where did this legend come from? Since it only seems to appear in movies, it could be said that some legendary screenwriter like Robert Towne or William Goldman came up with it. But, I don't think so. It sounds like something that would be in the Bible. So, where is it? Well, that's where it gets tricky (any good Christians should turn away now, cuz this is gonna get messy).

Christians hold The Bible to be a literally accurate historical document. If it's in the Bible, it really happened, just as it's written. If what's in the Bible is supposed to be an accurate record of what happened in that era of history, we may want to check the archives, because some shit is missing. Check this: there are books of the Bible, commonly referred to as the Apocrypha, which aren't in most standardized Bibles.

If that doesn't sound right, think of it this way: the Bible is a book, written over a number of years, by many different authors. How long it took to write it and who actually wrote it is disputable. In fact, the Old Testament is mostly taken from the Jewish Bible. But, at some point in time, what you had were all these documents that someone decided to combine into one book. This person looked through everything that had been written on this particular subject, and put it together as a single book. And, like any good editor, he cut out some stuff that he didn't feel was "Bible material". So, what we end up with is the Bible, and a bunch of miscellaneous documents of the same ilk that didn't make the cut (maybe this "War" story was amongst those documents). This exclusion of material brings up a very scary question: if this is a literally accurate historical document, why is this stuff missing? Are they hiding something in history? Are there angels and demons fighting in the fucking streets that I should know about?!? In fact, no, they aren't hiding anything, because (wait for it) you can't hide something that never existed in the first place. Very few things in the Bible can actually be proven to be true, and we're supposed to take this as a literal history of the world, all the way back to Creation. Suuure we are.

The religion of Christianity was started by someone. Quite obviously, the basis of this religion are the teachings of Jesus Christ(ianity; see how that works?). Some one decided that Jesus had some great things to say, and wanted to share it with the world. And here's this book that has all of Jesus' teachings nicely compiled, along with a whole lot of stuff from Judaism (which mostly turn out to be parables and fairy tales; there's no proof that Moses even existed). But, and this is a pretty huge "but", no one can actually prove that Jesus existed. I'm sure he actually did, and may have even claimed to be the Messiah. In fact, for argument's sake, let's say he even founded Christianity as a religion during his lifetime. Now, let me change directions for a sec.

Go pick up a copy of Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith by Jon Krakauer. One of the stories it tells is of the founding of The Church of Latter Day Saints by Joseph Smith. Take some time and read this book, and pay careful attention to the parts about Smith and the writing of The Book of Mormon. Once you're finished, go through again, and cross out every reference to "Joseph Smith" and "The Book of Mormon", and replace them with "Jesus Christ" and "The Bible". Most people think Mormons are a bunch of kooks (even though they, too, are Christians), but if you look at their story with the alterations I suggested, how does that make your run-of-the-mill Christian look?

But, that's just to prove a point. Jesus didn't write the Bible, nor did he found Christianity. But someone did. And he (or they) took these beliefs and this book on the road, and found a lot of people who thought it sounded like a good idea, to the tune of it becoming the largest religion in the world. Many Christians look down at other religions as being "false" or "crazy", but how is Christianity any different? Just because the main prophet of Christianity claimed to be the Son of God, that gives Christians a free pass to look down on other religions as lesser, just because their prophets were simply enlightened men who claimed to carry the Word of God? It's really quite ignorant and hateful for the world's largest religious population to be so intolerant, when their shit is exactly the same as everyone else's: someone claimed they heard The Word of God, and someone else believed him. It may all be horseshit. It may all be real. Really won't know until we get our tickets punched for The Big Ride. We might all get to The Afterlife and see Zeus sitting on the throne. There might be angels fighting Norse gods there, and Lucifer getting his ass kicked by Shiva. No one knows. So, worship what you want, but don't be disappointed if it turns out to be a false idol. Cuz it's all about the same; it's what you believe that makes it different.

And you thought this was going to be about Constantine.