Leaving South Beloit (And Never Going Back)

A big deal was made in these parts a few months back about the razing of the "Magic Waters" Toll Plaza in Cherry Valley, IL. Governor Rod Blagojevich claimed that removing this toll would not only relieve traffic congestion, but would promote interstate commerce, as now people didn't have to pay the toll to use US20. Knowing that the IL Tollway is a legalized form of carjacking, I knew that this was a scam. And it was (I should note that it is free to drive anywhere in WI). The South Beloit Toll, the one I use most frequently, was raised .10 to 50 cents. And that's fine: I'll make up for the cost of a toll I never used; I'm sure they felt I owed them. It's a compromise I was willing to live with. I understand the need to tax the shit out of the citizenry (I do, afterall, live in "Tax"sconsin, and was once forced to help pay for a new stadium for the worst team in baseball).

It was much to my chagrin when I pulled into the S.B. Toll the other day, 50 cents in hand in the "Exact Change Only" lane, to find that the toll was now $1.00. Scrambling to find change, I paid the toll and cursed the tollway for the rest of the day, and into the next (I was tempted to throw a dollar bill into the basket and crash through the gate; with these new prices, I'm sure they can afford a new 2x4). Being royally pissed, I did a little research and found out that the entire toll system had been raised. It now costs $10 for me to drive to and from Chicago. TEN FUCKING U.S. DOLLARS. Just for the pleasure of driving on the IL Tollway (I should also mention that this is nothing: the tolls on the Ass Rape Highway, also known as IS88, are so embarrassing high, I refuse to print them here, but refer here: The Illinois Tollway).

So, what is to be gained from the toll hike? Well, it's obvious to me: to keep anyone from entering or exiting the State of IL, or from even thinking about going anywhere near Chicago. An extremely effective plan as is, but, in my eyes, not drastic enough. Maybe raising the tolls to $10/toll would be more appropriate. Paying $100 for a round trip to Chicago would dissuade almost everyone (erecting brickwalls at regular intervals across the tollway would be along the same vein, but a little extreme; it's also a poor revenue stream). Not only would this keep ugly foreigners out of the state, it would promote interstate commerce as thousands of acres of WI vacation property would be put up for sale, its IL owners no longer being able to travel there. It would also be a good way to prop up IL's slumping premiere air carrier, UAL, as commuter flights in and out of Chicago would be cheaper than attempting to drive there (although I'm sure out-of-state fares would need to be raised by at least $1 million). This is a plan I promote 100%, as it has reached maximum effectiveness already with me: I will no longer be traveling into the State of IL. I realize most of my friends and family live there, but, I'm a law abider, and if your governor wants to stop interstate travel, who am I to interfere? It was nice seeing all of you whenever that last was; feel free to email pictures of yourselves as you age, and I'll do the same. I'll be sure to let the world on the other side to the Iron Curta...er, South Beloit know how you're doing. Goddamn, it was a good run, boys.