The Worst Movie In The History Of Movies. Ever.

I've made it no secret my dislike of the works of Eli Roth. Most people would just ignore his career entirely if they didn't like him, but I keep tabs on him just out of pure hate.

I've seen all of Roth's previous "movies," so it should come as no surprise that I'd see his new opus, Hostel 2, just to see how shitty it is. (If you remember, when I saw the first one, I was pissed that I paid $3 to see it, so I made sure to see this one for free. And I'm still pissed.) And I was not disappointed. In fact, I was more than pleased, because Hostel 2 is so awful that it almost made the experience worth it, just so I can say that Roth has once again proved that he has no business being anywhere near a film set.

It might not be so bad if Roth had tried to do something original or different with this one, but it's the exact same movie. Same plot, same locale, even the same ending. The thing that's changed is that the guys from the first film are now girls (and no, this change does not lead to any "hot lesbian action"). He's also thrown in the unwelcome addition of a subplot involving two members of the Hunt Club, both played guys from Desperate Housewives. Unfortunately, both characters are so annoying that you spend most of their screentime praying for their inevitable deaths. Add it all together, and you have a movie that has less entertainment value than a snuff film, except this is fake. (In one article I read, the reviewer referred to this as "gore porn." Apparently, he's not familiar with the work of Joe D'Amato, which actually was gore porn. This is nowhere near as entertaining.)

Now, I don't want to come off like one of these people, who would rather have no sex and violence in their movies; quite the contrary, actually. One of the best movies I've seen in the past few years was The Devil's Rejects, a movie just as unrelentingly grim and violent as Hostel 2 (possibly even more so), but it at least had the decency to be well-made and entertaining. Hostel 2 is just shit.

There's something else that bothers me about this movie. When you make a violent, bloody, exploitative movie like this, the MPAA is going to cut it to shit. Roth throws a lot of blood on the screen, and still comes out with an R rating (a pretty hard R, but an R, nonetheless). I'm guessing that the movie he made did not make it to the screen uncut. As queasy as the MPAA is, I'm sure they made him cut out something. Which tells me that Roth threw everything and a Home Depot full of kitchen sinks in there, and whatever the MPAA let stick, he ran with. Here's what bothers me about this: If you look back at the history of movies like this, movies that are extremely grim and violent, and look at genre forefathers like the original Hills Have Eyes and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, they were all released unrated. They were too violent to receive a rating, but the filmmakers released them anyway. Nobody saw them, but, over the years, they built a cult following, and are beloved by genre fans. (Even Pedro Almodovar does this, and he gets nominated for tons of awards every time he puts out a movie.) Yet Roth's movie, which seems to be an homage to those old exploitation movies, gets an R. Why? Because NC-17 or unrated movies don't get 3000 screen releases, nor do they receive any advertising, and, consequently, no one goes to see them and they don't make any money. (Ah, there's the rub.) Not that this is surprising; Roth appears to be following in the footsteps of his bitch-out mentor Quentin Tarantino, who has a history of cleverly editing his movie to avoid the dreaded NC-17.

The only good thing about this movie is that, while it has turned a small profit, its continual -60% diminishing returns means it will probably be all the way out of theatres by this weekend. (There's only one theatre within 50 miles of here where it's playing.) Maybe the fact that Hostel 2 cost twice as much as Hostel 1 to produce, yet grossed less than half as much will cause the studios to reevaluated Roth's status as a "golden boy," and stop giving him money to make any more dreadful movies. Or, better yet, maybe his next movie will cost so much to make and gross so little that it bankrupts a studio, and the suits will pull the old "Michael Cimino" and toss him right out of Hollywood.

That would be the sweetest thing in the world.

"Shooter" Beck: 1968-2007

Rod Beck, one of the best closers in baseball in the '90s, was found dead today in his Phoenix home at age 38.

Beck was somewhat of an oddball in baseball. In an era when players were becoming more physically fit, athletic, and clean-cut, Beck actually went the other direction, turning into more of a fat slob with each passing year. His penchant for drinking and smoking, his walrus-like horseshoe mustache, and his scraggly mullet would not be out of place on your Beer League softball team. Yet, there he was, one of the best closers in the majors.

He was also a pitcher with some strange statistical anomalies. He is one of only four pitchers to have saved more than 48 games twice. He once held the major league record for most consecutive save conversions with 41 (a record since obliterated by Eric Gagne). He is also only one of three pitchers to have converted 100% with at least 20 opportunities, a feat he accomplished twice, including the "Comeback Year," where he went 20 for 20 filling in for Trevor Hoffman. (I won't lie and say some of these categories haven't been tailor-made to fit Beck's stats, but, well, there they are.)

By all accounts, Beck was an all-around good guy, even if he did look like he might run you down with his chopper on his way to a meth buy. In these times when everything is tainted by a possible steroid connection, it makes you appreciate a guy like Beck, who succeeded with nothing but talent, beer, and the occasional trip to the weight room.

We'll miss ya, Shooter.

The Year Of The Bad Record

There's been a lot of albums that have come out in these first six months of the year, and a lot of those have been from artists I like; highly-anticipated stuff, if you will.

Yet, as I mentioned a second ago, we're six months into the year, and nothing has come out that I would recommend people go spend their money on. It's an all-around terrible year for music:

You've got The Smithereens, who put out their first new record in quite a while, and, turns out, it's a Beatles tribute record;

Saliva, possibly deciding their last album was too loud and angry, put out a record more along the lines of Winger, or possibly Nelson;

The Stooges put out their first record in ages, and prove that guys in their late 50s just can't bring the punk rock thunder;

Fall Out Boy put out an album that is, well, a Fall Out Boy album;

Trent Reznor cranked out, in record time (by Nine Inch Nails' standards, at least), Year Zero, a concept album that serves as little more than the payoff for the music world's version of The Lost Experience; (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, set aside about two hours and start clicking.)

Linkin Park, who had gotten nu-metal down to an artform, decided to switch gears entirely, and went with puss rock as their "nu" genre;

Maroon 5 released an album where all the songs sound exactly the same;

Chris Cornell had no problem breaking up a great band (Soundgarden) to record his first crappy solo record, and followed pattern by breaking up another (Audioslave) to record his next crappy solo record;

Even my beloved Queens of the Stone Age must have decided their music was getting too "normal," and decided to crank the weirdness (/unlistenability) factor way back up there.

And it only stands to get worse. I'm sure the new White Stripes album will be more obscure and obtuse than their previous one. Bon Jovi has forsaken its Jersey rocker ways and is putting out a country record. Kelly Clarkson, whose career appears to be disintegrating before our eyes, may or may not have a new album coming out. And the new-and-improved Smashing Pumpkins...well, we'll see about that one.

Just not a good year for music fans so far. There is one bright spot, though: Beyond, by the newly-reunited Dinosaur Jr. After being broken up for nearly 20 years and the name "Dinosaur Jr" having become synonymous with "J Mascis solo project," the original band got back together and put out one hell of a noisy record. J Mascis shows us that even though his hair went grey and he got really fat, he still knows how to rock.

I wish I could say the same for everyone else.

Irrelevant Sequel Summer

So, we're officially a month into The Summer of Sequels, with four of the 98 scheduled sequels having premiered. And, as expected, they're the only movies that have made any money so far.

As a money-making venture, I understand why we have sequels. If you paid to see the misadventures of The Ocean Gang the first two times, you're more than likely going to pay to see them a third time. What I don't get is why some movies even have sequels.

There are some movies that almost require sequels, because you can't cram the whole storyline into one movie (like Harry Potter or Star Wars). Or, there are movies which, due to the previous history of the characters, have near-infinite story possibilities (like Spiderman and The Fantastic Four). But is there anything we couldn't piece together from Daddy Day Care that would require it having a sequel (and one that appears to be completely unrelated to the original)?

A good example of this theory, having just announced plans for a third and fourth sequel, is Shrek. The only reason the first Shrek movie was made was because Jeffrey Katzenberg was pissed at The Walt Disney Company, having just come off a massive lawsuit against them. So, he produced a movie with a slight variation of the Sleeping Beauty/Cinderella theme, filled with bitter references toward Disney. (If you look on IMDB, the working title for Shrek was Fuck You, Disney! True story.) And it was very successful. Yet neither sequel was as clever (or as bitter) as the original; they were basically reworkings of the first movie, made solely to make money.

Same holds true for the Die Hard franchise. If ever there was a definition of a high-concept movie, it would be Die Hard. Its basic premise, an action movie taking place entirely in one building, was so seminal that subsequent action movies got pitched as "Die Hard on a (fill in the blank)." The sequel followed that premise, expanding it slightly to an entire airport. The next one (which, I suspect, started life as the third Lethal Weapon sequel, and was actually more entertaining than what eventually became Lethal Weapon 4) expanded further to include the entire island of Manhattan. This new third sequel takes the concept...well, I don't think it even has the same concept, but it's got John McClane in it, so I guess that makes it a sequel. Once again: Just a case of making a movie just because the previous installments made money.

The worst offender is the Rush Hour series. In Rush Hour 1, you've got Jackie Chan as a fish-out-of-water in Los Angeles, and, because he's Chinese, he doesn't understand anything about America! Hilarious! Then, there's Rush Hour 2, which is the exact same movie, except that now Chris Tucker is the foreigner in Hong Kong. Pure comic gold. But are there really enough variations of the "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" joke to merit a Rush Hour 3, where both characters are out of place in Paris? I suspect the only reason these movies are still being made is because Brett Ratner, who killed a perfectly good X-Men franchise, can't get any other work in Hollywood, for fear that he might kill someone else's money-making venture.

But this is all Hollywood economics: The first one made money, so subsequent installments will, too (and usually moreso). We're pretty much stuck with sequels (which are still preferable to remakes), whether we like it or not. So, enjoy Ocean's 13 when it opens this weekend. I know I will.

Yet Another Dead Mall

I'm fascinated by dead malls. Since all shopping malls were built in the '60s and '70s, the ones that don't make it or don't get updated decor become time capsules for the hideous concepts that passed for interior design of the times. The miles and miles of stone-inlaid concrete; the dark-brown laminated wood; the odd fountains and topiaries that dot the floorplan; the absent food court; the shiny aluminum surfaces; and everything swathed in brown and harvest gold. There is nothing more beautiful/ugly than a mall on its last legs.

Last weekend, because The Girl and I were in the area and had nothing better to do, we made our annual stop at the Machesney Park Mall, just because we think it's funny to see what stores could possibly still be in that mall. I used to go to the Machesney Park Mall all the time as a kid, because, even though it was out in the middle of nowhere, it was closer to where we lived than the more popular and still-living Cherryvale Mall (or at least that was my mother's logic). And time has not treated it well.

What we discovered on this particular trip was that Rockford has yet another dead mall on its hands, joining North Towne (which was literally sliced in half and turned into a furniture store) and Colonial Villiage (which became a "church" that draws more visitors than the mall ever did) on the "Do Not Resuscitate" list.

The mall is completely empty inside, with only the anchor stores (JCPenny's and Boston Store) on the ends still open. (Imagine the picture up top, but close the Deb, get rid of the plants, benches, and candy machine, and kill those trees, and that's what it looks like inside.) The parking lot was full of cars, but we soon discovered that all those cars belonged to people who had parked there to catch the shuttle bus to a concert at the Rockford Speedway. I was surprised that you could go into the mall part, which is now a skateboarding hoodlum's paradise and rife with vandalism opportunities. It was totally devoid of life in a creepy and ominous way, and I fully expected to see the occasional zombie shambling about. As the anchor stores had signs posted by their mall entrances that said, "The doors to the mall close at 7:00pm," The Girl thought it might be a neat idea to hide out until they closed and just live in the mall. I rebutted with the fact that there probably already are people living in the mall, and I didn't feature the idea of being murdered by CHUDs after the lights went out. All in all, one dead-ass mall.

But, all hope is not yet lost for the mall. While the mall itself is scheduled for demolition in the next month or so, JCPenny and Boston Store will remain, with the 500,000 square foot space in between being redeveloped into a mixed retail/commercial district. It's all part of a huge development push in that area that coincides with the opening of the I-90/Route 173 interchange later this year. So, from death comes life.

While it's sad to see the old dump go, it's probably for the best. I'm just glad I got to see it in its out-dated glory one last time.

Those Guys

A while back, during a post on "Poor Man's Versions," I made reference to "Those Guys": character actors with a lot of screen time, but no name recognition. I made a crack that maybe Stuff would do a better job with their list of Those Guys than they did with their Poor Man's Versions.

But, it appears as though Cracked has beat them to the punch by compiling a Top 20 List of Those Guys. And it's actually a pretty good list. (They're even nice enough to include their own Poor Man's Versions for every entry.)

It does have its problems, though. Like, what's David Morse doing on the list? I think everyone knows who he is. And if they didn't, who would play the "David Morse" Roles? Same with Danny Trejo and James Cromwell, both of whom are very well-known and have roles that only they can play.

And then there's the omissions. Like, where's Brian Cox, who is in literally every movie. (He's also very well-known, but, if you're putting Morse and Trejo on the list, you gotta put on Cox.) Or Bruce McGill, who's the Poor Man's Brian Cox (and played D-Day in Animal House, even though you wouldn't know it by looking at him). Or Bob Gunton, who's the TV Version of Philip Baker Hall. Or Dale Dye, who always plays the military guy. Or M. Emmet Walsh, who plays the "Sweaty Guy" Role whenever George Kennedy's not available (which isn't very often). Or James Hong, who played every Asian role in Hollywood for 20 years. Or (of course) Colm Feore, who's name gets dropped more on this blog than anywhere else on the planet.

All around, a good list, even if it does have more dead guys on it than you might expect to see.

Oh, and on a sidenote, in that same post I mentioned earlier, I made reference to Keith David, and about how I sensed his name turning up on a list of Those Guys. Well, I'll be damned if he didn't turn up on this list; even used the same picture I did.

Funny how that works, ain't it?

Charles Nelson Reilly, 1931-2007

Just wanted to mention the passing of '70s and '80s game show staple Charles Nelson Reilly, who died today at age 76.

Although I'm a little too young to have seen him much on game shows, his flamboyant (i.e., gay) antics can be caught with some regularity in reruns on the Game Show Network. I best remember his portrayal of Jose Chung on episodes of The X-Files and Millennium, which he played sans toupee.

Now, when Rip Taylor dies, he'll have just enough people (along with Reilly and Paul Lynde) to form a Blatantly Gay Game Show Guest team for the Heavenly version of Win, Lose or Draw.

Bert Convy will be pleased.

Idol Crowns Another Idle

Tonight, America crowned another idol, and it was...honestly, who cares. (It was Jordin, for those that care.) I haven't watched this show in four years, because it sucks. But, watching from the sidelines, I find it humorous. Not because the show is funny (which it isn't), but because the idiots that vote for who wins on the show almost always get it wrong.

Of the show's five previous winners, only two (Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood) have become "stars". That's 40%, an average will put you into Cooperstown, but a a bit of a failure when you're starmaking.

Season One, you had Kelly Clarkson, who's sold 15 million records. I'd call that a win.

Season Two, Ruben Studdard beat out Clay Aiken, but on the show only, as Clay has tripled Ruben's record sales. Oops. Loser.

I don't even know who won Season Three, but I do know that the seventh place finisher just won an Oscar for her role in a musical. Yes: An Oscar for singing. And I bet you remember William Hung, who didn't even make it past the tryouts, better than you remember who actually won.

Season Four: Carrie Underwood. One record, 6 million copies. 'Nuff said.

Season Five saw George Clooney's older brother beat out the cute bulimic chick. But they're both losers compared to fourth place finisher Chris Daughtry, whose record has sold more copies than those of the three that finished ahead of him combined.

And now, they've crowned another loser. We'll see how their career doesn't pan out.

The thing about this is that I'm sure the producers don't see those as "loses". I'm sure they spin it as, "Well, the person we crowned 'American Idol' hasn't sold a single record, because he/she is completely talentless, but, boy, that guy who finished 19th: 10 million records! Boo-yah!!" Anybody who sells a ton of records who was on that show for even a second is a win for them.

Basically, it all comes back to the viewers. You haven't put their money where your mouth is. Which, pretty much, makes you idiots.

On a side note, the ratings for the season finale of American Idol are being viewed as disappointing, as they were a 15% dropoff from last year's show. Maintaining 30 million viewers throughout a two hour show that is less entertaining than any given episode of The Gong Show, yeah, that's an absolute disaster.

The networks are idiots, too.

Ronnie Gardocki: My Hero

I've sung the praises of Ronnie Gardocki before, of how he, and not Vic Mackey, is The Man on The Shield. There has not been a better cop since Harry Callahan.

And he solidified my opinion of him on Tuesday's episode of The Shield, after being told by Shane of Vic's complicity in Terry Crowley's murder. When Ronnie confronted Vic about it, and Vic was absolutely speechless, what did Ronnie say? "I wish you'd been straight with me. I could have protected you better."

How cool is that?

If only we all had friends who would protect us from a murder rap. The world would be a better place.

The Network Fall Schedules Are In

So, the Network Upfronts, where the networks announce their fall lineups, are over, and the bad news is in: Network programming still sucks.

In a move that is possibly one of the most predictable in the history of TV, ABC picked up Private Practice, the Kate Walsh spinoff of Grey's Anatomy. This surprised no one, as ABC had already aired the pilot episode the week before, cleverly disguised as an episode of Grey's. They also decided to go forward with that sitcom about the Geiko cavemen. (Worst...pickup...ever.)

They also announced that Lost will be on for another three seasons. But, while it's nice to see that ABC took my advice and will produce those three season as short, uninterrupted, mid-season replacements, how the hell are they going to crank out 48 more episodes of that show? I don't see how they can turn out one more to finish up the current season, much less another 48. (This is officially now The Show That Will Never End.)

NBC, in an attempt to firmly secure their position in fourth place, did nothing to improve their lineup. They did, however, figure out a way to circumvent the "hiatus season" that plagued Heroes this year by coming up with Heroes: Origins (or, America's Next Top Hero, as I like to call it), which will air during Heroes' six-week hiatus. (Nice strangling of the "golden egg" goose, btw.) And it's nice to see that Kim Raver is in another pilot, so the chances of her turning up as Audrey Raines on 24 are pretty slim (although I'd've said the same this year, but, I'll be damned if Audrey didn't return from the dead after The Nine got canceled).

They also figured out how to solve their Law and Order problem, by banishing the lowly Criminal Intent to sister network USA, and making them pick up the tab (welcome news to fans of the original Law and Order).

CBS, working the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" strategy, also did nothing to improve their lineup, but, well, when you're the landslide ratings winner, you don't need to do anything. (I was glad that King of Queens was finally shown the door after nine riotously unfunny seasons.) In fact, the only real move they made was to move Shark, the only show I've watched on CBS with any regularity since The Flash got canceled, to the No Man's Land that is Sunday nights at 9c. Bad timeslot, but it's up against, well...nothing. (I like those odds!)

The biggest loser at the upfronts was Fox, which canceled all but one of its freshmen shows. (That's some quality programming.) And that one show is 'Til Death, because they're going to make Brad Garrett's post-Raymond career work, goddamnit! They also chose to move Bones to Friday, The Death Night, despite its decent ratings. And they renewed 24 for two more seasons, which includes an apparent retooling of the show, which I'm sure will effectively kill it (ala Alias). The only positive thing to come out of it is that some of their new shows appear promising, but Fox has always shown what they think of promising shows.

Speaking of which, they did make the ballsiest pickup of the year by bringing back King of the Hill, a show that they've attempted to kill for years, for a twelfth season. (Then again, they did re-up American Dad, so it just goes to show they'll pick up anything animated.)

Actually, I prematurely granted Biggest Loser status. That would be The CW, which canceled Reba, 7th Heaven, Veronica Mars, and Gilmore Girls, the only reasons that anyone watches The CW. I believe that cuts them down to about six hours of programming a week.

(It's also worth noting that, of all the new shows that premiered in '06-'07 that I actually liked, only two (Heroes and Shark) got renewed. I'd say I have bad taste, but I think we know better than that.)

Check back in September; we'll see how the whole thing shakes out.

Last Five Movies

Rabid Dogs (1974)
While not technically the last film directed by Mario Bava (that would be Beyond the Door 2), it did take nearly 25 years for it to see the light of day, due to the production going bankrupt and the negative going into hock. And now that it's been finished by his son Lamberto, I kinda wish he hadn't. It's more along the lines of something that lesser directors, like Lenzi or Fulci, would have directed; just not up to the standards of the Godfather of Italian Horror Movies.

Harsh Times (2005)
Yet another movie that I can understand why it sat on the shelf for so long. If seeing Christian Bale overact past the point of insanity is your idea of a good time, this is your movie. If not, don't bother.

The Ex (2007)
The second movie I've seen this year saved solely by the presence of Jason Bateman. I can only hope Scrubs is on for about another five years, because it will keep Zach Braff out of movies, where he clearly doesn't belong. It was nice to see Charles Grodin in a movie again, however.

The Entity (1981)
I didn't think there was enough material out there to make a two hour movie about ghost rape, but I've been proven wrong. And I wish that I'd been proven wrong that this movie was watchable. It's sad when the best part of the movie is Barbara Hershey's prosthetic nudity double. Classic stuff.

A terrible week for movies, but here it is:

28 Weeks Later... (2007)
This movie has two big problems: 1) It wasn't directed by Danny Boyle, and b) it wasn't written by Alex Garland. It was that duo that made the first film such an unexpected treat. This one was written by a slew of unknowns, and directed by a man who hasn't see a handheld jumpcut he didn't like. Still, it's entertaining, like when the US military firebombs London. And I found it humorous that the US military commander is played by a Brit (although I don't think anyone realizes that Idris Elba is actually British, so it doesn't matter). It's not as entertaining as the first one (and contains a particularly stupid role for Robert Carlyle), but it's still a virus-infected good time.

Check it out.

Eli Roth's Career Now Officially A Joke

Check out this clip (courtesy of G4) of Eli Roth at last week's Saturn Awards, and then come back.


Couple o' things:

When does making a movie entirely out of fake trailers (like those featured in Grindhouse) seem like a good idea? There's a half hour-long show on HDNet called Nothing But Trailers, that is...nothing but trailers: no commercials, no commentary, just trailers. A solid half hour block of trailers is about my tolerance level. And yet this idiot wants to make a 90 minute movie of fake trailers; wants to spend millions of dollars compiling a movie full of trailers (which most people hate) for movies that don't exist.

A better idea would be to make a compilation movie (ala Terror in the Aisles) of actual trailers from crappy grindhouse-era flicks. (Much like how Anchor Bay uses the original theatrical trailers for all of their "Coming Soon to DVD" featurettes.) But apparently Roth had such a good time making his Thanksgiving trailer for Grindhouse that he thinks a whole movie of the same might entertain others.

Which brings me to another point: When does it seem like a good idea to steal ideas from Quentin Tarantino? (While I can't confirm that the fake trailer idea in Grindhouse was his, it kinda has Tarantino written all over it.) How bad is your career when you steal ideas from one of the biggest plagiarist working today? Pretty bad, almost to the point where you should stop making movies, like, right now.

On a side note, the best thing about that clip is Greg Grunberg floating around in the background. You know it's a terrible interview when guys in the background are more interesting than the subject.

Terminator 4...Now With Less Arnold!

Some things just never die. And in the case of the Terminator franchise, they can't be destroyed either.

Earlier this week, it was announced that a production company named Halcyon was going forward with plans to produce a fourth Terminator movie. The catch? No Governator in this one.

In fact, none of the parties involved in the previous three films will be involved in this one. Not Schwartzengger, for obvious reasons; not James Cameron, who apparently doesn't make movies anymore; not Gale Anne Hurd, who's too busy with the Hulk remake to worry about this (Yes, that's right: The upcoming Incredible Hulk is not a continuation of Ang Lee's The Hulk); not even Mario Kassar and Andy Vajna, who loved the success they had with Terminator 2 so much that they independently financed the third movie.

And that's how this Halcyon Company ended up with the rights to the Terminator franchise: they bought them from Kassar and Vajna, who, I assume, are still hurting for money since they bankrupted Carolco. (And Basic Instinct 2 didn't exactly put them in the black.)

Of course, this may all change in time, and everyone may jump right on board. Except for Arnold, who will probably keep his post as Governor, rather than resign to play The Terminator again.

We shall see.

It's News To Me

I read on the front page of Yahoo! the other day that, after 25 years, British New Wave act New Order has decided to break up.

WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????!!!?!?!? New Order is still a band?!? The last thing I remember from them was "Bizarre Love Triangle," which came out when I was in middle school...and that was 20 years ago. Apparently, they've had some sort of secret existence since then, where only the "cool kids" who listened to them way back in the day are allowed to know they're still around. But now, the gig is up.

Learn something new everyday, I guess. Next, they're going to tell me Silverchair is still a band. That would be a laugh.

Pilot Season Starts Early

If you're a loyal watcher of Grey's Anatomy (as I tragically am), you may have noticed that the last episode was less about the shenanigans at Seattle Grace, and more about Addison's visit to a Los Angeles "wellness clinic." While it may seem like a bizarre one-off episode, there's a perfectly logical explanation.

It's a well-known fact that Kate Walsh, who plays Addison, is getting her own Grey's spinoff next year. And ABC, in its infinite wisdom, decided that they, rather than produce a separate pilot episode for that show, would just take their production budget for Grey's and use it to produce this pilot, and stick it right in the middle of a double-wide episode of Grey's.

It's actually a pretty brilliant idea, as Grey's has a built-in 20 million viewers who will watch every episode, regardless of its content, whereas this new show, well, might be watched by no one. (And, based on what I saw, I believe that might turn out to be true, because it was just not good.) So, 20 million people watched this "pilot," even if they did get duped into it, thinking it was just another episode of Grey's. It's an odd strategy, but goddamn if the numbers don't justify the means.

I did notice something odd about this pilot: almost the entire cast is made up of actors from recently canceled ABC shows. It's as though the producers went through all of ABC's open acting contracts, and said, "Well, we got Tim Daly and Taye Diggs and Francie from Alias still on the hook...look's like we got ourselves a cast!" (I fully expect to see guest appearances by Ericka Christensen and Jonathan Silverman if this show gets picked up.)

I'm sure when this show finally comes to be that it will suck. And be universally loved by Grey's fans.

Maybe.

Let The Summer Movie Pogrom Begin!

Friday marks the start of the Summer Movie Season, where the studios cram all of their movies that they think will make a ton of money. (It could more appropriately be called The Summer of Sequels, as the summer movie slate is composed almost entirely of sequels.) And while I understand why studios give this kind of release schedule to their blockbusters, I honestly think they could make more money by releasing them elsewhere in the year.

The poster child for this alternative release theory is Titanic, the highest-grossing movie of all time, pulling in $600 million in the U.S. alone. Titanic had an absolutely horrible release date, opening the week before Christmas, against Tomorrow Never Dies. (And Bond movies always make $100 million, regardless of their quality.) The weekend before Christmas always leads up to a short week, as movies the next week come out on Christmas Day, regardless of where it falls in the week. So, Titanic was basically set up to fail. But, it won the box office that first weekend, and proceeded to win every weekend until Summer Movie Season started.

Greatest movie ever? Hardly. (A two hour, godawful love story, followed by an hour-long sinking of the Titanic sounds like shit to me.) It won the box office every week because absolutely nothing opened against it. After 15 straight weeks at #1, the movie that knocked it from the top spot was Lost in Space. (Fucking Lost in Space. Talk about a pathetic year.) But, by that time, Titanic had already made $500 million, and nothing else came anywhere close. In fact, of the 70+ (!!) movies that came out during that time, only two made $100 million. Two. (A third, Good Will Hunting, was released before Titanic in limited release and went wide about a month later, and would go on to gross over $100 million.) As a comparison, in the following four months, more than 10 movies made over $100 million. But...that was Summer Movie Season, when all the money makers come out.

And that's how movies like Disturbia win the box office weeks in a row: there's nothing else worth watching opening against them. I enjoy watching movies in the theatre. I sometimes go to the movies just to go, if I can find something worth watching. I might go two, three times a weekend. Last weekend, I went to Hot Fuzz. Before that, Grindhouse on its opening day, 4/6. Before that, 300, a whole month going by. I'll watch anything, but I honestly don't see anything out there worth sitting through.

Yet the studios still insist on cramming all of their movies into the summer months, instead of spreading them out over the other nine. With all the shit that's come out so far this year, can you imagine how much money Spiderman 3 would have made had it come out last month? It'd be past $400 million and counting by now, instead of having basically two weeks to make all of its money before the Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean sequels cannibalize its box office. And this is the way things are done; makes perfect sense to me.

The only plus side to all this is that I can finally go back to the movies, as, well, it's when all the movies come out. I can't wait.

Law & Order Loses Another D.A.

Over its 17 year run, Law & Order has had three different actors play the New York City District Attorney: Steven Hill, who left the show after 10 years to pretty much retire from acting; Diane Wiest, who left the show to, I don't know, maybe win another Oscar; and current office holder Fred Thompson, who will more than likely leave the show to, of all things, run for President.

While this may seem like an big leap, to go from playing Arthur Branch on Law & Order to running for President, it's not much of a stretch for Thompson. When he first started on the show in 2002, he was the senior U.S. Senator from Tennessee (a post he held longer than his tenure on L&O). Actually, his political resume is more impressive than his acting resume, even though I don't think anyone remembers him being a former politician.

Not that Thompson will have to "resign" his fake office on Law & Order to run for a real one. Rumor has it that NBC is considering cancelling L&O, due to low ratings and high production costs, officially killing the 2nd longest-running show on TV.

Oh well. Good luck to Thompson on his Presidential bid, and may his legacy as one of NY's finest live on in syndication.

Things That Should Embarrass Me, Yet Don't

I've spent some space on this blog talking about guilty pleasures, things (like poorly-made foreign films with the words "Zombie" or "Cannibal" in the titles) which no one should like, but do. For some reason, this idea popped into my head the other day, and I got to thinking about things that I like, yet, based upon everything else I enjoy, should really dislike. Maybe it's due to some bad brain chemistry or really poor taste on my part, but there are some things I should be embarrassed to admit enjoying, but, well, life's too short to worry about how terrible my taste is.

That being said, my most embarrassing guilty pleasures:

-The entire filmography of Hugh Grant
So I like Hugh Grant. What're you gonna do about it?

-30 Seconds to Mars, A Beautiful Lie
The wussiest of Wuss Rock. The band's lead singer/songwriter is Jared Leto, for Christ's sake; don't get much wussier than that. Yet I find myself listening to this album over and over again, its catchy wussiness somehow mesmerizing me into repeat listening. The Girl even used to make fun of me for listening to this...until she began requesting that I dial it up on the iPod whilst we were in the car. I think I may have something with it being infectious...

-Grey's Anatomy
I've somehow managed to watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy. I really don't even enjoy the show that much, but, for some reason, I tune in every week. This one really may be attributable to mental illness.

-American Idol finalists
I have not watched an episode of American Idol in five years, right about the time The Girl decided the show wasn't worth dedicating 15 hours a week to watching it. (And do we really need Idol on a near-nightly basis? Remember what happened to Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? Yeah, me neither.) In fact, anyone who watches the show (or any reality TV, for that matter) should be forced to watch it, Clockwork Orange-style, in a never-ending loop for eternity. However, I do sure enjoy the hell out of the respective discographies of Kelly Clarkson and Chris Daughtry. Maybe my Hell punishment will be to listen to Clay Aiken and Justin Guarini records for the rest of time. That would be bad.

-Last Action Hero
For most people, watching a movie a dozen or so times is an honor they reserve for only their most favorite of films. The same is true for me. Yet, I have seen the complete trainwreck that is Last Action Hero at least that many times. And what is there to like about a movie with a horribly rewritten screenplay, full of awful one-liners; a movie with a grim and depressing second half; a movie that was grossly over-budget and grossly under-produced; a movie that saw its opening weekend gross get doubled (and keep getting doubled every subsequent weekend) by Jurassic Park, which opened the weekend before? Well, it entertains me (and possibly only me). That's what's to like about this disaster of a movie.

-And, of course, there's this.

Let the ridicule begin. But only if you don't have any glass houses for me to throw shit at.

I One-Up Tarantino

In my review of Death Proof, I claimed that there is a good movie to be made from the idea of a serial killer who murders his victims via vehicular homicide. And then, the other day, during a conversion with a friend about Jim Caviezel (yeah, I know: Who talks about him?), I realized that I had seen a better movie made from this idea.

Of course, I'm talking about Highwaymen, starring Caviezel, Rhona Mitra, Frankie Faison, and Colm Feore. Basically, it's the story of Caviezel, driving around the country in a beat-up Hemi 'Cuda, trailing serial killer Feore, who runs down his victims with an old-school El Dorado.

Now, I'm not accusing Tarantino of plagiarism (even if his entire career has been based on how creatively he can rip off other movies), but Highwaymen pretty much shares its plot with Death Proof. Not saying he's seen the movie, or that it's of enough pop-cultural significance to even cross his radar (the movie went direct to video, a year before Caviezel played Jesus), but, there you have it.

What's sad is that Tarantino tries to be brilliant, and come up with something clever, but, the fact is that Highwaymen, which is really not that good a movie, is approximately 10 million times better than Death Proof. It's better written, has a better developed plot, and has better action scenes (rather than just a single, 45 minute one). It's even a nice antithesis to Tarantino's penchant for stunt casting, by having the prolific and highly-recognizable Colm Feore (one of "Those Guys," who're literally in every movie, yet no one knows their names) as the killer; one starts to tire of the "clever" casting of Michael Parks after a while.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend running right out and renting Highwaymen (good luck finding it), because, well, other than getting to see Rhona Mitra topless, it's not that great. But...it's better than Death Proof. And that's all that counts.

Check it out.

The Best Fuzz Movie Ever

While there haven't been many movies with the word "fuzz" in the title, they've usually turned out to be a lousy lot. The only ones I can think of are an early starring role for Burt Reynolds and an American action vehicle for Terence Hill. And now, we have Hot Fuzz, the best movie ever made with "fuzz" in the title.

If you know anything about this movie, I won't bore you with the specifics. But, I will say this is probably the funniest movie you will see all year. And yes, it is dumb, in the tradition of the action movies it parodies. (There are some very gratuitous visual references to Bad Boys 2 and Point Break that are very well played.) It's also a showcase for long-forgotten British actors; I found myself saying, "So that's what happened to The Equalizer, and there's Belloq from Raiders of the Lost Ark." It's also more gory than one would expect from an action movie. But it's still hilarious.

It's only real weakness? It's about 20 minutes too long, as the protracted conclusion goes on forever. Other than that, another win for Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright.

On a tangential note, while I was looking up showtimes for Hot Fuzz, I noticed that some theatres are listing separate showtimes for the two movies that make up Grindhouse. Which I find to be somewhat unnecessary, since there's absolutely no reason to see Death Proof. In fact, if you're paying to just see Death Proof, well, you really are dumb enough to be robbed of seeing a double feature.

Good News For Virtuous Pagans

Every Pope wants to make their mark during their papacy. And Pope Benedict XVI has made his mark in a big way in just a short time.

Limbo is a concept that's been around for ages. It's typically been considered the place where unbaptized children go when they die. Infants are too young to commit sin, but have not been cleansed of original sin through baptism, and, therefore, aren't worthy of hanging with Jesus. But, rather than have them end up in Hell, the Catholics came up with Limbo, which has none of the punishments of Hell, but is away from God. It's a traditional Christian concept that has never been properly indoctrinated into Christian theology.

And appears it never will be. A treatise commissioned by the Pope has basically opened the way for the abolition of Limbo. While the Pope has not officially spoken on the matter, he often spoke on the subject back when he was Cardinal Ratzinger, and it's basically a matter of time before the Pope kiboshes the whole thing. So, welcome to Heaven, all you babies.

On a related note, this also allows a loophole into Heaven through which Homer, Virgil, and all the other residents of the First Ring of Hell can pass. Welcome to Christian Heaven, you glorious pagan bastards! It's been 2000 years, but you've earned it. And you didn't even have to believe in Jesus. Bravo!

The Fuck Is Wrong With This Girl?

For those of you who don't watch Heroes, Hayden Panettiere plays Claire, the indestructible cheerleader on the show. Until being on this show, she was a fairly unknown commodity, her only notable credit being (ironically) a cheerleader in Bring It On 2. She was a fresh face, the Next Hot, Young Thing, for those who had become disenchanted with previous incarnations like Lindsay and Britney. And, seeing as how the show is a hit, she's been getting a lot of exposure. The world was her oyster.

And then that picture came out last week of her licking another girl's tit. And now, this incredibly phallic picture of her licking the Stanley Cup.

You need only look at the career/life trajectory of the previous Next Hot, Young Things to see exactly where this is going. As soon as she's old enough to buy her own cigarettes, it's all over but the crying.

Oh well; she's not the first or last fish who's jumped into the fire.

Spree Killing At Its Finest

If you've been living off the planet for the past 12 hours, you might have missed the news that there was a shooting spree at Virginia Tech University that left 33 dead and another 26 injured. The shooting finally stopped when the gunman, trapped inside by police, killed himself. Even though the deathtoll may possibly rise, if those injured die later, it already stands as the worst shooting spree in U.S. history.

The only question I have about this whole thing (other than "How do you do all that with a couple of handguns?") is: How does a guy shoot two people, disappear for two hours, and then reappear elsewhere on campus to shoot nearly 60 more? It's not as though the guy shot the first two, and then took a leisurely drive to Roanoke to resume his spree; he shot the two, and then spent the next two hours going a couple hundred yards across campus (peep this map to get an idea of the distance), with police looking for him the whole time. (This impressive bit of policing reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Willy and Santa's Little Helper gets stuck in the ventilation duct, and when Chief Wiggum arrives to find his men shooting hoops, his response is, "That's some nice work, boys." Just about the same deal in here.) And what's up with notifying everyone of the first shooting via a school-wide e-mail? 'Cuz that's the best way to let everyone know a killer's on the loose.

All the fuckups aside, this incident does seem to bear some interesting poisonous fruit. Mark my words: When the '08 presidential candidates begin campaigning, the number one item on their agenda is going to be gun control reform, seeing as how the Brady Bill and the Assault Rifle Ban both went the way of the dodo before all of this happened. I think it will be an especially hot talking point in the state elections in Virginia, which has some seriously lax gun laws (no licensing, the ability to purchase multiple firearms, and a NICS-type background check).

We'll see how it all plays out in the coming days; we'll get firearms banned out of this country yet.

Feds Gone Wild!

I used to think it was a pretty sweet deal to be Girls Gone Wild! creator Joe Francis: going to exotic spring break locations and filming 1000s of female co-eds flashing whathaveyou, and then selling said films for hundreds of millions of dollars. This guy has figured out the cushiest way to make money.

But he's fallen into some troubles in the past few years. In addition to some minor assorted maladies, he was just forced to settle a multi-million child pornography judgment in Florida, he's currently in jail on a contempt charge stemming from that same case, and he's still under indictment in California on a whole list of charges that could land him 40 years in prison. (And he's been romantically linked to Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.) Life can't get much shittier.

And then the Feds busted him for about $40 million in income tax evasion.

If this is the good life, I'll take a pass, thank you.

Finally...

A while back, I lamented the fact that the second season of Twin Peaks, one of the more addictive shows of the past 20 years, was caught up in copyright Hell, and was not coming out on video anytime soon.

Turns out, I spoke about four months too soon, because now it's on video. And I couldn't be happier. Now, I can finally, again, watch those 22 incredibly disappointing episodes where ABC wrecked the series by revealing the killer seven episodes into the season.

Way to make us sit through 2/3s of a season of anticlimax, you silly motherfuckers! I can't wait to pick it up.

Kurt Vonnegut Has Joined The Choir Invisible

When someone's around for a long time, you kinda take for granted that, some day, they won't be there anymore.

And that's the stance I had taken with Kurt Vonnegut. I'd read all of his books, and kinda forgot about him, as he's not really a prolific writer. (He hasn't written a novel in about 10 years.)

And then, he died, from complications from an accident earlier in the year. It's a bit of a bummer, since his hometown of Indianapolis just declared 2007 "the Year of Vonnegut." (Some year.)

I'm sure he's in Heaven right now, living out the plot of God Bless You, Dr. Kervorkian, interviewing various dead celebrities. Might be time to bust out the Complete Works of Vonnegut again.

The Best Of Times, The Worst Of Times

Saw Grindhouse the other day. Thought I'd talk about the two films that make up this odd double bill before talking about the thing as a whole.

Up first is Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror, a whale of a Zombie cum Disaster Movie. What it lacks in story (which is grade-z all the way), it makes up for with exploding everything. (Speaking of explosions, it's good to see that Rodriguez adheres to the theory put forth in Contamination: that the human body is merely an exploding bag of blood.) And the cast of mostly late '80s/early '90s character actors (who knew Jeff Fahey was still in the business?) appear to be having a good time. Movie even has the common decency to be funny, and has a spot-on Carpenter-esque music score. It's a dumb, yet highly-entertaining good time.

And then we come to Death Proof.

I'll start out by saying that, while I'm not as obsessive about his stuff as some fans, I consider myself a Quentin Tarantino fan, and have seen all of his movies (Reservoir Dogs included) in the theatre. That being said, it's been 10 years since he's committed anything watchable to film. And Death Proof is no exception.

The idea of a psychotic stuntman who commits vehicular homicide is actually a pretty good premise. I could see how you could make an entertaining 90 minute feature out of that. But Tarantino goes another direction. Kurt Russell, who plays the aforementioned stuntman, has possibly 15 minutes of screentime, tops.

The rest has been filled with scene after scene after scene after scene after scene (and onto infinity) of inanely witty dialogue. (Actually, saying "scene after scene" is a bit of a misnomer, because it's actually just a couple of scenes that go on for about half an hour apiece. Someone I saw the movie with thought maybe they'd forgotten to edit the movie. I wondered if they'd slowed the projector down to four frames per second.) And the dialogue can only be called witty if you think the stuff written in bathroom stalls is a little too highbrow. It's hard to believe this dialogue was written by the same guy that wrote Pulp Fiction. (Maybe Roger Avery is a better writer than previously thought.))

The awful writing isn't the film's only flaw. It's full of material "sourced" from other movies (even his own); it's got more stolen material than a Carlos Mencia standup routine. (But that's Tarantino's trademark: being a clever plagiarist.) And, much like I didn't realize that I could be bored by a lightsaber fight until I saw Revenge of the Sith, I didn't realize a could be bored by a car chase until I saw this movie. And that's not a good thing for a pseudo-Car Chase Movie.

I hate to say, "I told you so," but I did kinda predict that Death Proof would be unwatchable. And it pays off in full. Really, a completely awful movie; the worst I've seen this year.

And now, the thing as a whole.

The idea behind this whole venture was to replicate the "grindhouse" experience: two low-budget, grade-z exploitation movies shown as a double bill. And while Planet Terror and Death Proof get the tone and material right, they are big budget movies with high-priced stars. There's something false about trying to pass off these extremely costly and well-produced movies (particularly Planet Terror) as cheapo exploitation movies. It's like comparing Saving Private Ryan to that war movie you and your buddies made in the backyard with a video camera: same material, $50 million difference in budget.

The films incorporate little tricks to make these silk purses appear to be sows' ears. The clicks and pops on the soundtrack, the excessive film grain, the overexposed and skipped film frames (a trick Rodriguez uses with some artistic flair) are all clever ideas, but they kinda disappear after a while. And the "missing reel" gag gets old after approximately one use. (Again, a trick well utilized by Rodriguez, who segues from a sex scene to the beginning of the Apocalypse. Oh, and doggie style is an impossible position with a peg leg like that.) It's a nice try, but the movies are more blockbuster than bargain basement. (To see a recent movie that does it right, check out Jim Van Bebber's Deadbeat at Dawn.)

It's not all a waste, however. I liked the retro film snippets that connect the films, and some of the fake trailers have a nice period feel. (As someone who's seen a lot of trailers for these kinds of movies, I think Edgar Wright's trailer for Don't! just about nails it.)

All in all, I'd call it a failed experiment: the parts are mostly better than the whole. (It also doesn't help that the better of the two movies comes first.) Maybe if Tarantino had made a movie that wasn't a complete piece of shit, this would have worked out better. In fact, it can work out better for you. And here's how you do it: Find a theater that's playing both Grindhouse and The Host, the Korean monster movie. Go to a Grindhouse showing that starts about two hours before a Host showing, and watch it all the way through Planet Terror and the trailers in the middle. And then leave, and go see The Host. What you'll end up with is a great Monster Movie double feature in the same amount of time.

And you won't have missed a thing by walking out of Grindhouse. Trust me on that one.

It's Hard To Find Good Help

It must be trying for Vic Mackey to go to work every day, considering the number of traitorous and duplicitous members of his Strike Team that he's had to deal with.

Like Terry Crowley, a Justice Department spy, who tried to get Vic busted for bending the law to the breaking point. Or Lem, who, not only destroyed most of the money from the Armenian "money train" heist, but also wore a wire for IAD to implicate Vic in Terry Crowley's murder. Or Army, who threw the whole Team under the bus by refusing to take a lie detector test that would have cleared him of being in league with Antwon Mitchell. Even long-time partner Shane Vendrell, who covered up the fact his wife stole the missing money train money, threw a racially-motivated beatdown on Tavon and then begged Vic to cover it up, fractured the Team by choosing the money over loyalty, and got implicated in a murder-for-hire plot against Vic when he got in too deep with Antwon Mitchell. (Oh, and he killed Lem.) Almost everyone who has entered the Team's clubhouse has made life hard for Vic.

Which brings us to Ronnie Gardocki. Through the good times and the bad, Ronnie has remained completely loyal to Vic, backing him almost all of the time. When the Strike Team disbanded, it was Ronnie who remained as Vic's partner. Even when Armadillo burned off Ronnie's face in retribution for what Vic did to him, instead of being mad at Vic, Ronnie used his recuperation time to plan the money train heist. If only we all had someone who was that loyal to us; the world would be a better place.

Check out the ongoing saga of Ronnie Gardocki when The Shield starts back up on Tuesday.

Showtime Has Another Winner

Back in olden times, before Henry VIII gobbled his way through six wives and any food he could get his hands on, before Anne Boleyn lost her head, before Thomas More was anything more than a lawyer, this is the setting for The Tudors, Showtime's new weekly series. I happened to catch the first two episodes on Showtime On Demand. (I believe you can also watch them on Showtime's website.) And I rather enjoyed it.

Like most historical dramas, it's fairly dense in the historical aspect, sometimes requiring picking up a history book to understand what's going on. (Like Lord Buckingham's being bitter about not being an heir to the throne due to his family losing The War of the Roses and the subsequent death of Richard III.) However, it's actually easier to follow than HBO's Rome. And, of course, it's filled with the requisite sex and deceit present in every Medieval Times Show. It's a good time.

I think it also marks a shift to where all the good programming is on premium cable. Historically, HBO has always had the best shows, but they currently only have one worth watching. (And that would be The Wire) Showtime, on the other hand, just keeps putting out shows that turn out being some of the best stuff on TV. (Which is a good thing for Showtime, because their original programming is the only reason to watch Showtime.)

Now, if they could just get their movie selection to be as good as their original programming, Showtime might be the new network to watch.

The Final Four Is Set

With yesterday's games behind us, the Final Four are set. But, with this Final Four comes an odd anomaly. Should Florida and Ohio St. win their respective games, the matchup for the basketball championship will be the same as it was for the football championship. And, should Florida win that game, they'll have beaten the same team for two championships in two different sports in the same year. I don't think that's ever happened before.

We'll see how it all plays out when the tourney resumes next week.

Six Degrees Has Another Go At It

It's strange how shows just disappear off TV, seemingly canceled, only to magically reappear sometime later. Like when King of the Hill suddenly started airing after being MIA for nearly a year. Or, when Day Break, the show that replaced Lost, disappeared after a couple of episodes, only to reappear, in its entirety, on the internet.

Or, like Six Degrees, which stopped airing four months ago, just popping back into the schedule on Friday nights. As I mentioned a while back, the show really wasn't that good, and I can see why it would possibly get canceled. But, apparently ABC decided that new episodes of a bad show were better than reruns from the night before.

So, tune in tonight and every other Friday, and see if it gets any better. Maybe Tom Brady's baby will make a cameo appearance.

Marquette Got Smoked

After their first, transitional year into the Big East, Marquette appeared to be ready to do something. They started the preseason ranked, were ranked all but one week of the season (once, as high as eighth), and did pretty well against some big-name schools (like beating Big East powerhouse Pitt twice).

And then they got blown out of the brackets by Michigan State.

Not that I should be surprised. Marquette only seems to be able to advance out of the first round when there's a chance that might beat Kentucky somewhere down the line.

Oh well; we'll see what next year brings.

Another Vegas Legend Goes Bye-bye

And yet another chapter in the ongoing saga of The Dismantling of Vintage Vegas. On Tuesday, the Stardust Hotel and Casino, the last of the once mob-controlled casinos still on The Strip, was razed in the name of progress.

Honestly, I had no idea this was in the works. I was just in the Stardust eight months ago, and it didn't seem like a place that was mere months from extinction. But, when Mr. Vegas himself, who had been playing there for nearly 10 years, pulls up stakes and leaves, I guess the writing's on the wall.

In the Stardust's place will be this monstrosity, yet another resort-only property featuring four differently-themed (read: boringly Modern) hotels. Look for it in the next four years.

In the meantime, feel free to reminisce about the Stardust at their still functional website, or at Leaving Las Vegas' Stardust retrospective.

Up next for probable demolition: The New Frontier, home of Gilley's, the best bar in Vegas. What a damn shame.

300 Could Have Been 300 Times Better

I think most of your action-minded fans were geared up to see 300, and, from the looks of the box office, I think most of them did. (With the exception of anyone in Iran, which disapproves of the movie's portrayal of its ancient Persian ancestors. That and the fact I believe it's against the law to watch movies over there.) And The Girl and I were two of the several million that went to see it.

If you love medieval war violence, this is your movie. If you're looking for a well-made movie, well, not so much. While it's nice to look at, with all of its sepia-toned, computer-generated landscapes and armies, its plotting is something that may have been generated by a computer as well. Here's a quick plot summation: Greeks kill hundreds of Persians in battle; Greeks talk about how easy that battle was; Xerxes gets angry over his army's losses; a quick scene of how things are going back in Sparta; repeat until everyone's dead. It's also fairly predictable, even without having read Frank Miller's book. If you can't predict that the hideous freak is going to turn traitor, you may want to consult a neurologist, because your brain has stopped functioning.

I figured after the last outstanding adaptation of a Frank Miller comic that this one would be good as well. But, as anyone who's seen Daredevil or Electra can attest, they usually don't turn out that well. C'est la vie.

I Join The Next Generation

Serendipity is a funny thing. The other day, The Girl was out with one of her friends. The friend regaled her with stories of how her husband had just bought an Xbox 360, and about how cool it was. The Girl has known I have wanted one since they came out, but, being as I'm a cheap bastard, would never spend that much money on myself. The Girl heard how much joy it had brought to the friend's husband, and she figured it might bring some joy to me as well.

And this is how I ended up with an Xbox 360.

I don't know why it took me so long to buy one, as it's pretty goddamn cool. I didn't think gaming in 1080i HD would look this good, but it does. And once I managed to scrape together enough leftover Best Buy giftcards, I bought the insanely overpriced wireless adaptor and got hooked up to XBox Live, where I proceeded to download every demo they had available. (If you're in the market, and wondering whether to go with the Core or Pro setup, the essential 20 GB hard drive that comes with the Pro version easily makes up the price difference.)

The big downside? The spotty backwards compatibility with the old XBox games, which they have been slowly rolling out as they port them to the new console. As someone who owns three of the four Hitman games for the original console, I'm somewhat disappointed that only one is compatible (and no, it's not the one I don't own, which would piss me off even more). Oh, and the fact that the wireless controller just eats batteries.

All and all, a great investment. And if Dead Rising isn't reason enough to buy one, you must just not like having fun.

The Most Confusing Schedule Ever

I've bitched almost non-stop about this new "hiatus season" the networks are trying, and I'm about tired of it. But, it makes me ask just one question: Is House still on the air?

I honestly don't know. I don't even know what they're airing in it's place. I just know that when TiVo is taping The Unit rather than House, House isn't on.

But then, this is Fox, the Home of Nonsensical Programming. They chose to premiere their three most popular shows in January. King of the Hill, one of the longest-running shows on TV, was MIA for almost a year, only to come back with three episodes before disappearing to make room for Seth McFarland's latest abortion. (And when did Sunday become SethMcFarlandDay?) The Simpsons, which usually premiers in November, started in September, and has aired 12 episodes. (I thought there were more than 12 weeks in seven months, but I might not know what I'm talking about.) Plus, on any given night, you'll have no idea what might be airing on Fox. (I believe they've canceled every show that was new this year.)

Which brings us back to House. If I'm not mistaken, House was the first show on all of TV to air its season premiere, waaay back in the first week of September. Since then, they've aired 14 episodes. (For comparison, 24, which premiered in January, has aired 11.) House went on World Series hiatus, post-sweeps hiatus, the no-real-reason hiatus, and now, well, I don't know why it's not on.

Which brings me back to my original question: Is House still on the air?

Bravo, Fox, for making your schedule so fucking confusing, all in the name of not airing a couple of reruns. Bravo.

I Sell Out To Corporate America

I've been with my video service, GreenCine, for a long time. When I first decided to sign up for an online video service, I went with GreenCine because, at the time, they had the largest library out there. (They still do, actually, as well as thousands of video-on-demand titles. They even have a sister site which offers nothing but porn.) They were a nice little indie business that carried all of the hard-to-find titles I was looking for.

But, with all of their perks, they have three big negatives that always raised doubt: 1) they're more expensive than everyone else; 2) shipping is about a five day turnaround (they ship everything from San Francisco); and 3) they only seem to carry about one copy of everything, which is bad if you want a new release. And, seeing as how, on a good month, I can turnaround about 20 movies, I thought maybe I could do better.

So, I made a change.

Every time I go into Blockbuster, I'm assaulted with their Total Access video service. Getting that much exposure, I decided to give them a try. And I made a good choice.

Every single obscure movie I could think of is carried by Blockbuster, with immediate availability, even new releases, of which I'm sure they have hundreds of copies. If you want something that comes in a set, they send them in order automatically. If a movie is currently in theatres, you can reserve it in your queue, and is added once it comes to video. And, should I choose to, one day, upgrade to HD video, Total Access offers both Blu-ray and HD-DVD. In a five day period, I got five movies; not bad for a three-out plan. And, it's cheap.

But, this is all pretty standard shit. Where Blockbuster really turns into a Netflix buster is with its stores. Instead of mailing the movies back, if you return them to a Blockbuster store, they give you a free rental on the spot, one for each one you return. PLUS, they scan the movie you just returned, so the next movie in your queue will ship right away. PLUS, every month, they give you a free coupon for any movie or game in the store, which, in light of recent developments, is extremely cool.

I thought I was pretty cool not to have turned to the Netflix Darkside. Turns out, I just needed a better offer.

I'm such a sellout.

The Annual Oscar Recap

-Ellen DeGeneres was pretty funny, not by actually saying anything funny, but by making everyone else feel bad about themselves. Nice.

-First nominee for Word of the Year: "sticktoitiveness."

-The Showing of the Costumes was awkward.

-There's something not right about the thought of Jack Black and Will Ferrell double-teaming Helen Mirren.

-My conspiracy theory regarding the Sound categories turned out to be true.

-Everyone was spared the shame of having to interact with the animated characters.

-Best Supporting Actor, typically the first award, gets pushed back waaaay into the show. Nice pickup by Alan Arkin, btw.

-The screen constantly switching back to 4:3 aspect ratio to accomodate the ticker for the local school closings ruined my HD viewing experience.

-The Reading of the Screenplays was awkward.

-Cars not winning Best Animated Feature ended The Girl's streak of correctly handicapping the Oscars up to that point.

-This whole "penguin movie craze" must end. George Miller: Step away from the cute animal movies, and resume production on Mad Max movies.

-Nice to see Mummenschanz back in action again.

-Through some apparent ballot miscount, Pan's Labyrinth didn't win Best Foreign Film, the one real travesty this year. Oh well; it still won three Oscars. Fuck Hollywood, Viva Mexico!!

-Larry David was not amused by An Inconvenient Truth winning an Oscar.

-The Stiffing of Dreamgirls was awesome.

-Matthew Broderick must be pissed that Little Miss Sunshine won Best Original Screenplay, because the chances of him getting his personal assistant back just went down to zero.

-Ennio Morricone and Quincy Jones are tight. And I wonder if that song will be the first single off Celine Dion's next record. Hmmm...

-A musical not winning Best Song is awesome. And The Girl and I agreed that it would be better if all the performers had just come out and played one of their greatest hits than what they played. I would have preferred "I Wanna Come Over" to whatever it was that Melissa Etheridge actually won for. (Eddie Murphy performing "Party All the Time" would have been good, too.)

-Helen Mirren got what she deserved. Not that there was a doubt, considering she'd won every other award possible for that role.

-Marty Scorsese did the right thing, and mentioned Andy Lau in his acceptance speech.

-And, even with its dogshit ending, The Departed was the right pick. I'll always cheer for Clint, but it was Marty's turn.

Good stuff. See you in 365.

Last Five Movies

Hollywoodland (2006)
Maybe it's the obscure subject material (because, really, who gives a fuck about George Reeves), but I really couldn't get it this. Next thing you'll know, they'll make a movie about the mysterious death of Bob Crane.

The Number 23 (2007)
A movie of which The Girl and I had differing opinions: she thought it got better as it went along, while I thought the opposite. And, when you see it, you too will make the obvious references to Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Good idea, so-so execution.

The Science of Sleep (2006)
A weird, weird, weird movie that is basically for Michel Gondry fans only. Lots of nice, inventive set pieces, but your head will probably explode trying to decipher the plot (if you can call it that).

Murder-Set-Pieces (2004)
Direct-to-video movies usually go that route for a reason, and this DTV offering is no different. Sure, it's got plenty of sex and violence, but you know you're in trouble when the best part of the movie is the villain's '72 'Cuda. That's not good. Also, a big bonus for being yet another movie that assumes no one watching has been to Las Vegas, and don't know where anything is on The Strip.

It's a pretty slow week when this is the best I've seen, but...

Clue (1985)
One of The Girl's faves, so it gets a semi-annual screening. If you've played the game, you've seen this movie. Good, clean, inoffensive family fun. It's also worth noting this is probably the first time I'd seen Tim Curry not dressed up like Frank N. Furter.

Check it out.

What The Fuck?

Once she unbolted the wreck of the Titanic that was her marriage to K-Fed from her ankle, I thought maybe Britney Spears would go into turnaround, maybe get back to where she was two years ago, before she threw her life in the toilet.

And then she shaved her head.

This just has no upside. As Keith Oberman so aptly put it, I see this ending with a meth lab explosion. Really, the best thing to do would be for her to put a gun to her head and pull the trigger. And maybe Lindsay Lohan could get hit with a ricochet or something. The world would be a better place by half.

The Land Of Misfit Restaurants

As I've mentioned before, I believe the city I live in exists in some alternate dimension, just a little left of the norm. Kinda like The Twilight Zone or Tales from the Darkside, if you will. My suspicions about this theory are confirmed on an almost daily basis.

Like the other day, when The Girl and I were driving about, looking for someplace to eat. It dawned on me that The JVL has the strangest assortment of chain restaurants of any city I've ever been to. Oh sure, we've got your McDonald's and Chili's and IHOP, just like every other city in the States. But then there's others that exist in other cities, but you'd have to combine about eight states just to get the combination that exists here in Janesville. Like Shakey's (which has three locations east of the Mississippi, and this is one of them), Ground Round (which went bankrupt, but lives on here), Hardee's (another dead one, of which we have two), Happy Joe's (which has been around forever, but is otherwise nonexistent around these parts), and Ponderosa (the last one around the region that hasn't been turned into a Chinese buffet). Shit, up until a couple of months ago, we had what I believe to be the last remaining Chi-Chi's in the United States. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a HoJo's or a Planet Hollywood hidden away in some corner of town.

But, I guess being trapped in some wormhole restaurant anomaly keeps us from having to eat at TGI Friday's every night. (Although that would taste good right about now...)