Last Five Movies

Cloverfield (2008)
I referenced this movie a while back, back before it even had a name. Turns out, it was worth the wait. Quite possibly the best "Monster on a Rampage" movie ever made. (Ok, maybe not as good as The Host, but a close second.) The acting, effects, writing, editing, and cinematography are all-top notch. However, a warning: if you're prone to motion sickness or vertigo, bring the Dramamine.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)
I'm not a huge fan of musicals, but...it's another Tim Burton/Johnny Depp joint, so it's worth a look. And, quite honestly, once you get past the fact that there is very little dialogue that is not in the form of song, it's a pretty good movie. And the music is enjoyable as well. Drag that the Academy's bullshit rules kept this from being nominated for any music Oscars, as I think it'd win everything.

Mr. Brooks (2007)
A crazy mish-mosh of a movie, with Demi Moore's secondary plot being completely unnecessary to the movie (you could completely remove it and not notice); with a terrible subplot where Brooks' daughter might be a serial killer; with the somewhat unwanted presence of Dane Cook; all offset by two terrific performances by Kevin Costner and William Hurt as Mr. Brooks and his psychotic alter-ego. If you could edit this movie down to just the scenes with those two, you might really have something there.

Rambo (2008)
I really need not say anything about this, other than that it is possibly the goriest action movie ever. Remember the D-Day scene in Saving Private Ryan? Expand that out to feature-length, and you have some idea of what this movie's like.

Lots of good stuff, but the winner is...

Juno (2007)
Just a great little movie that justifiably got nominated for Best Picture. And even if Ellen Page doesn't win Best Actress (and she should), she's going to be in a LOT of movies. And, it's also refreshing to see a movie with Jason Bateman that doesn't actually require his being on-screen to be watchable (unlike every other movie he's been in recently). If you haven't seen this yet (and it's actually a surprise box office hit), check it out.

On a side note, I was hoping to see The Orphanage, a Spanish horror film produced by Guillermo Del Toro, last weekend. It was playing on at least a half dozens screens around the stateline area during the week. And then the weekend came, and suddenly all those screens were occupied by Michael Clayton and No Country for Old Men. Thanks, studios, for flooding screens with shit I've already seen, just because it got nominated for an Oscar. Particularly Michael Clayton, which I'm guessing most people will just wait the two weeks until its video release to see. Or a month for No Country. But that's fine. I'll just wait the six+ months for The Orphanage to come out on video and get it on a free rental so the studios make no money.

That's fine.

The Greatest MySpace Picture EVER

The picture to the left is from the MySpace profile of a guy I went to high school with (click pic for full effect). Last I knew, he was a cop in my hometown of Rockford. Now, he's apparently some sort of superhero, or possibly a colonial marine fighting the Covenant alongside Master Chief.

If only I were this cool, I would rule the entire known universe. He's carrying a fucking grenade launcher, for Christ's sake!!

Folks: Bow down to your new God.

While The Writers Are Out...

(This post gets a re-up, as I thought of a few more to add.)

Since, as I mentioned in a previous post, the Writers Guild has basically ruined TV, I thought I might throw out a couple of actually scripted shows worth checking out that are currently airing new episodes. Yes, among all of the fucking reality shows that muddy up the airwaves, there are still serialized TV shows:

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox)
A continuation of the Terminator franchise that cleverly circumvents the fact that there was a third movie by having them time-travel right past the timeframe of that movie. (It also makes a nice continuity error, as T3 claims Sarah Connor died in 1997; this Terminator show starts in 1999 with Sarah very much alive. OOPS!!) It's also nice to see that in the 23 years since the original movie that they've perfected "two-way" time travel.

The Wire (HBO)
The last season of probably the best show on TV. If real-life cops misallocated department resources like these cops do, they'd have an 100% clearance rate. A note for newbies: if you haven't seen any of the previous four seasons, nothing on this show will make any sense to you (and yes, that is a subtle hint to watch those seasons).

Breaking Bad (AMC)
Bryan Cranston (yeah, that's right: the dad from Malcolm in the Middle) plays a down-on-his-luck chemistry teacher, dying of cancer, who decides that going into the crystal meth business would be a good idea. It's only aired one episode so far, but it's pretty entertaining. I'll also mention that AMC is currently rerunning Mad Men, which you should check out if you missed it the first time around.

Law & Order (NBC)
The 2nd longest-running show on TV (and one that almost didn't come back) is back with new shows AND back in its old "Wednesdays @ 9:00" timeslot. While I'm somewhat saddened by "Mad Dog" Sam Waterson's somewhat reduced role in the show, the rest of the new cast is pretty good. And it just goes to show that sometimes those mid-season starts can work out pretty good for a show. Where you at now, Life? Oh, you off the air. That's right.

Nip/Tuck (FX)
FX must have made some kind of deal with the Devil, because they actually have this and at least two other shows on deck (Dirt and The Shield) airing new episodes. They may actually have a lock on being able to air the most new shows. I guess there's something to be said for only airing 13 episode seasons.

Prison Break (Fox)
While I'm not really advocating watching Prison Break, as it's absolutely terrible this season, they are new episodes. So, if you just need to watch anything, this is something to watch.

Lost (ABC)
Yes, I realize it doesn't start until next Thursday, but is there anyone who can really wait for the goofiest yet most addictive show on TV to start again? Not me.

Assorted mid-season shows (every network)
In addition to everything listed above, there are a lot of shows starting up now that I really have no interest in watching, but you might like. Also, shows that just kinda disappeared from the schedule, like ABC's Big Shots, have reappeared, because...hey, new episodes.

Hopefully, one of these years that writers will get back to work and I can get back to some quality TV watching. Until then, I'll just have to make due.

Bob Mould's Second Weirdest Record

I had my first exposure to Bob Mould back in the early '90s when I heard the first Sugar record. Since then, I've picked up as many of his albums as I can. I've seen him in concert three times, with a fourth time forthcoming. Needless to say, I'm a fan.

I've always thought Bob had a good "pop" sensibility which he defused by burying his melodies under layers of loud, loud guitar. (Is pop sensibility a bad thing? Not really. Listen to Nirvana's Nevermind. But then listen to an Avril Lavigne album and try to tell me it's a good thing.) He knows how to write a catchy tune, but all the cacophony and his somewhat underground status has kept him from any mainstream success.

Now, Bob's a kinda weird guy. After years of hard rock, he completely gave up performing with a band and only played solo acoustic. For a while, he moonlighted as a storyline writer for the WWF.

A couple of years ago, Bob decided to get back together with a band and put out Body of Song, a return to his rock roots. And now, he has followed it up with...well, he followed it up all right.

I'll say this about Bob's new record, District Line: if he were to write and produce a record for Kelly Clarkson, it would be this. It's an album of love songs, full of synthesizers, modulated vocals, and catchy melodies. As I mentioned before, if this record were put out by a namebrand pop singer, it would be a smash hit. But, as it stands, it's a collection of Bob Mould love songs, which really doesn't interest anyone. (Also, Bob is openly gay, so I'm assuming most of these songs were written about men, which may drive off some listeners.) It's a strange record, but there's enough "old" Bob on it to make it worth a listen.

All that being said, this record only ranks second on the strangeness scale in Bob Mould's discography. It would be #1 if Bob hadn't released Modulate, which, of all things, was a techno record.

Hopefully, he never puts out another one of those.

I Hope The Dark Knight Doesn't Need Any Reshoots...

...Because Heath Ledger, who plays The Joker in the movie, is officially dead. No official cause of death yet, but, he is dead.

I hope The Joker dies in the movie, because that will make for some awkward casting for the sequel if he doesn't.

The Oscar Noms

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Hmmm...no Denzel or Russell. I guess that completes the shutting out of American Gangster, which apparently wasn't as good as I thought it was. Props, however, to the Academy for nominating a guy who gets in a nude knife fight in his role. Nice.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Why are there even nominees that aren't Javier Bardem?

Performance by an actress in a leading role
I'd love to say that Ellen Page is a lock for this, but...I haven't seen the other movies. Would have been nice to see Jodie Foster here as well.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Tilda Swinton should win this. That being said, Cate Blanchett will win, as she's the only thing anyone ever talks about in that Bob Dylan movie.

Best documentary feature
Please, Jesus, please don't let Michael Moore win another one of these.

Achievement in film editing
I would be surprised if No Country for Old Men won this, as they apparently edited the last reel right out of the film.

Achievement in makeup
Rick Baker wins this almost every time he's nominated (6 for 10), but I suspect he won't win this year, because that would mean Norbit wins an Oscar. Norbit. Really.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song and Score)
Due to a loophole exploited by almost every musical-to-movie adaptation (Chicago, Phantom of the Opera, Dreamgirls, etc.), Sweeney Todd gets shut out of two categories because it remained faithful to the original musical. That soundtrack is better than any nominee in either category.

Achievement in visual effects
Transformers all the way, even if the effects do tend to get lost in Michael Bay's horrendous editing.

Adapted screenplay
The only real competition for No Country for Old Men is There Will Be Blood, which is the loosest of adaptations of an Upton Sinclair novel and really shouldn't be here.

Original screenplay
It'd be nice to see Juno win this.

Achievement in directing
You have to give this to the Coens. Everything else is pretty standard.

Best motion picture of the year
I think you know my pick on this one. It's nice to see Juno in there, but it won't win.

Be sure to tune in on the 24th to see the shortest and least exciting Oscar telecast in history.

Thanks, Writers Guild!

Today's Pitchers Are Babe Ruth League Compared To These Guys

(Note: This has been cross posted at Jesus Melendez's Hall of Very Good. Check it out.)
The other day, I just happened to catch a replay of Game Seven of the 1971 World Series on ESPN Classic. As I wasn't born at the time, I really didn't know anything about this series, but as I enjoy watching old baseball games, back in the days when TV sports broadcasting was so primitive, I sat and watched the thing.

During the seventh or so inning of the game, the play-by-play guy mentioned that there were two Baltimore starters warming up in the bullpen for relief. He said that, at that time, Baltimore's three 20-game winners were all pitching at the same time (Mike Cueller was in the game, with Pat Dobson and Dave McNally in the pen). "Three 20-game winners?" I thought to myself. That's a TON! What I didn't realize (and the announcer didn't mention) until I looked into it further is that Baltimore actually had four 20-game winners, the fourth being some young punk named Jim Palmer. (I know: Who the fuck is THAT?)

Four 20-game winners. Wow. Mind you, those Orioles teams of the late '60s/early '70s were some great teams. They went 318-164 from '69-'71, a win total some teams have trouble hitting in four season, much less a mere three. Those three teams never had any fewer than two 20-game winners on them (two in '69, three in '70). And, '71 was the whopper year with four. For comparison, in 2007, there was one 20-game winner in all of baseball. The '71 Orioles had four on just that one team. I'd say the pitching quality has maybe decreased over the years, wouldn't you?

Now, the instant rebuttal to the four 20-game winners is the fact that that staff rolled with a four-man rotation, which means the pitchers ended up getting more starts per year. If Jake Peavy (#2 with 19 wins in '07) had four or five more starts, maybe he would have broken 20 wins, as would a number of other pitchers. But teams nowadays run with five starter rotations: fewer starts means fewer win opportunities. Maybe if today's pitchers went with four man rotations, they could have four 20-game winners. So, maybe that's not all that impressive. But I suspect that all those wins didn't come from just having a lot of starts.

Pitchers back then were a lot more durable than today's guys. Between them, the four Orioles starters had 70 complete games. For comparison, in '07, both leagues combined had 112. That's four guys with 70 versus at least 30 times as many guys with 112. The individual leader in '07 was Roy Halliday with seven. The least any starter on the '71 Orioles could manage was Dave McNally with 11. So, maybe the Orioles pitchers had so many wins because they were able to pitch it all the way through, something almost unheard of these days. It's gotten so bad, that we have a stat, the "quality start," which has basically replaced the complete game.

But complete games don't mean anything if you go out there and pitch like shit. Oh sure, you pitched nine innings, but you gave up 15 runs. Kinda makes those complete games irrelevant. But that wasn't a problem with the '71 Orioles. The four Orioles starters had a combined ERA of 2.89, with Jim Palmer's 2.68 the best on the team. The best in '07 was Jake Peavy's 2.54. If that's the best ERA in both leagues, I'd be hard pressed to believe that you could come up with any four starter combinations from any team that could top that 2.89 ERA. Hell, the '71 Orioles team ERA was 2.99. The best '07 could muster was the Padres' 3.70. (It should be noted that 17 of the 24 teams that existed in '71 had team ERAs better than the '07 Padres.)

What it comes down to is four guys on the same team who were better than anyone we got pitching today. And the fact that at least three of those guys put up the same stat line year after year only strengthens the case. Everyone seems to blame the past two decades' increase in power on all the hitters being juiced up. I think it's because the pitching stinks. And, the fact that we now have five man rotations means we have more shitty pitchers than they did back in the day.

I may be wrong, but I don't think so.

"Packers Lose Playoff; Brett Favre Blamed"

Once again, like the post directly below this, I have no story here. I just wanted to publish a headline that absolutely no one else will.

Because you know that, had the Packers won, every newspaper would have had as their Sports section headline, "Packers Beat Giants; Favre Hailed As New Christ."

But, let's call a spade a spade: Favre threw the INT that allowed the Giants to set up their game-winning field goal. And, seeing as Favre is the career leader in interceptions (a record he set this year), his throwing the game-loser is a completely unironic ending to an otherwise mind-boggling season.

So, hopefully, Favre will go home and have a good cry, and get on with retiring, so that the Packers can go back to their pre-Favre (ie, terrible) form. Maybe then I can finally stop hearing about how great the fucking Packers are.

One can only hope.

"Cowboys Lose Playoff; Jessica Simpson Blamed"

I really have no story here. I just wanted to be the first one to post this inevitable headline.

And maybe to circumvent this possible headline, consider this: Tom Brady is fucking one of the hottest models on the planet and has some new baby-daddy issues, yet he hasn't lost a game. And a skank like Jessica Simpson is throwing off Tony Romo's game.

Right. You just go ahead and publish that story, Us Weekly. You go right ahead.

FAG...er, uh, SAG Scores A Coup

I love the Writers Strike. Best thing to ever happen to TV. Nothing but reruns and reality shows.

But now, the strike has infected other aspects of Hollywood. Last Friday, it was announced that, in support of the striking writers, the membership of the Screen Actors Guild (which is basically every actor in Hollywood) would not be attending the Golden Globes. The Globes ceremony have been a point of contention during the strike, as the writers have planned to picket the show, due to the Globes unwillingness to come to a deal with the writers. And, because it's considered bad form for the members of any union to cross another union's picket line, the membership of SAG has elected to sit the ceremony out as well.

So, the Golden Globes will be attended by...well, maybe a handful of producers, and some directors who aren't members of the Writers Guild.

Thanks, SAG! Your solidarity fucks an already fucked up situation even more. Seriously, thanks again.

And be sure to tune in next Sunday to see the emptiest auditorium in the history of award shows. It'll be great!

Last Five Movies

Altered States (1980)
I've never done LSD before, but I imagine it's pretty much like watching this movie. If you were on acid and watched this movie, I'm sure your head would explode. Trippiest...movie...ever.

Shoot 'Em Up (2007)
I can review this movie in three words: What. The. Fuck. Is this movie supposed to be funny? Is it supposed to be action-packed? What are Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti doing in it? (It does also star Monica Bellucci, who actually appears to be getting more attractive as she ages.) Completely awful. Before Bush leaves office, he should create a list of banned movies that can never be owned or viewed by anyone, and this movie should be the only movie on that list. Yes, it is worse than even Cannibal Holocaust, the most vile thing ever committed to film. And that's really saying something.

The Brothers Solomon (2007)
With the exception of the above movie, this is one of the dumber movies I've seen in a while. That being said, I laughed almost non-stop. "What the fuck is THAT?" "THAT the fuck is the crib." If you're not on the Will Arnett bandwagon, you seriously have no concept of what "funny" is.

The Psychic (1977)
No need to review this one again: My IMBD review (first review for this title, btw).

Not a hard choice here...

Eastern Promises (2007)
I've been a fan of David Cronenberg since the '80s, when I discovered his gonzo horror movies. And, like my other two favorite gonzo horror movie directors of the '80s, Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson, he's toned down over the years. But, unlike Raimi and Jackson, who became sellout kiddie-movie bitches, Cronenberg actually matured, directing more obscure and darker fare, finally becoming a "respected" filmmaker. It started with Spider, and then A History of Violence, and now this. Cronenberg gave up on grossout, and instead decided to focus on complicated character studies, which has worked out pretty well for him. While I'd love to see Cronenberg direct something as goofy as The Brood or Naked Lunch again, I'm sure whatever he directs next will be just as good. Hopefully, it will be an adaptation of Dr. Strange or some other shit comic book property, so that I can get on with hating him, too.

Fingers are crossed.

Greatest Football Game Ever?

On Saturday, the New England Patriots messed around and got themselves a perfect season. Not only did the game top off the only second perfect regular season in NFL history, it may go down as the most record-laden game in football history.

In going undefeated, the Patriots became the first team to win 16 regular season games. The win also brought their running consecutive wins total to 19, another record. They scored the most points in a season by a team. Tom Brady capped off his MVP season by breaking the passing touchdown record with 50. He also became the fourth QB to throw for 4800 yards. (Marino's 5000+ record looks harder and harder to beat every year.) Randy Moss topped off his comeback season by breaking Jerry Rice's 20-year old TD record. (An achievement somewhat diminished by the fact that Rice set the original record in a strike-shortened 12 game season.) And, in a television first, this game became the first to be shown on three different networks (CBS, NBC, and NFL Network).

So, after having set all these records, do the Patriots have what it takes to win the 19 games for the "true" perfect season (which would be another record, btw)? Six weeks ago, before the Philly game, I'd have said no problem. Considering their average margin of victory since then has been seven points, I'm not so sure now. But, hell, the last undefeated team won the Super Bowl; why wouldn't the Patriots?

We'll see in February. Happy New Year, by the way.

The Onion Has Lost Their Mind

It's the month of December, so every publication is printing their "Best of the Year" lists. The Onion is no different. I picked up their year-end issue and perused my way through their "Best of" lists. (Most people read The Onion online, but, as I live within 50 miles of two of the 10 cities which distribute the print edition for free, I read the paper version.)

I looked at the Best Albums of the Year list. It was full of albums I've never heard of by bands I could give fuck-all about. Albums by Amy Winehouse, who "rocks like a '60s crack whore." (Not a real quote.) Or by "insert obscure indie rock band name here," who released a "solid, hook-filled rock album that...manages to translate the band's usual anti-capitalist screeds and industry-related laments into digestible, sing-along packages." (Unfortunately a real quote.) It's the same stuff that was on the list last year, and the year before, and etc, etc.

Then, I got to the bottom of the list, and came across the funniest misprint that wasn't actually a misprint. Right there, at number 23, behind all these pretentious records by rock critic spank bank bands, was Infinity on High, the newest record from Fallout Boy.

Fallout Boy? The same Fallout Boy with the lead singer that's a serious version of Jack Black? The same Fallout Boy with that ponce that's dating Ashlee Simpson? Yeah, that Fallout Boy.

Now, Fallout Boy is Top 40, emo band garbage, even somewhat below my tastes. And while I never agree with Best Of lists, I thought this was WAAAAAY below the uppity standards of any decent rock critic. (In the history of Best Album lists, I have agreed with two choices: Is This It by The Strokes and Exile from Guyville by Liz Phair. Everything else is just ridiculous.) But, maybe because I think that it's a shitty record means that rock critics love it. This seems to be the case with every other record; maybe it's the case here as well.

I checked out the two main homes of pretentious rock criticism, Rolling Stone and Spin. Both of their Best Album lists contained every album from The Onion's list...with the exception of that Fallout Boy album. So, either Fallout Boy's inclusion is indeed a misprint or one of their music editors is a 15 yr old girl.

Either way, it looks as though the bad taste exhibited in their news section has spilled over into their A.V. section. I can't wait to see what makes the list next year.

I Think I'm Turning Japanese

On Tuesday, the Chicago Cubs did what has become the adopting of Third World children of the baseball world, and signed Japanese baseball superstar Kosuke Fukudome to a four year, $48 million contract. (I'm not really sure how you pronounce that last name correctly, but I'm pretty sure it's not "Fuck-you-dome," as everyone at work calls him.) The Cubs become one of the latest in a list of teams that think that bringing talent from Japan could net them The Next Sadaharu Oh.

While we're on the subject of The Big Oh, I think people may be misled as to his great accomplishment, which was hitting 868 home runs, 100 more than than Bonds has hit in the same number of years. Back in the days when Oh played, the ballparks in Japan were about the size of Little League fields, with the foul poles in the 290 foot range, and 390 feet out to center. In a field that size, Hank Aaron would have hit 1000 home runs...a year. Nowadays, they play in regular-sized fields, and no one's been able to get even halfway to that record. Plus, I'm pretty sure baseball over there is quite similar to the video game RBI Baseball, where you're able to hit like 20 home runs in a game. And yet, teams think just because a guy is the best player in Japan that he's going to cross the ocean and be an immediate impact player on their team.

Here, let's play a little game: Name one player originally from Japan who is just as good here as he was there who is not named "Ichiro Suzuki."

Give up? Well, the answer's "no one," since no other Japanese players that have come over here have had their skills translate to American baseball. Not Hideki Matsui, who did more in fewer games in Japan than he's done with the Yankees. Not Daisuke Matsuzaka, who should be better than the second-best pitcher for a Red Sox team that paid $100 million to acquire him. Not Takashi Saito, who spent 13 years in Japan not being any good, only to come to America in the final years of his career. Not even Hideo Nomo, the guy who started this trend, who was just pretty average. (We got plenty of average, home-grown talent; no need to import it.) Just a lot of guys who were hot shit in Japan that aren't all that great over here.

The biggest problem with these guys is their limited upside. Since most of them have been playing in Japan for some time, by the time they get here, they're already in their 30s or fastly approaching it. They're in the primes of their careers right now, and it's only going backwards from here. (I suspect the days of players having a late-30s resurgence are over with. They'll just get old and retire from now on.) Ichiro is easily on pace to break Pete Rose's hit record; too bad he'll be as old as Rose (who played until he was 87) was when he does it, and that'd only be like 18 seasons!

Fukudome is already 31. Forty eight mil for a guy about to start the downslope of his career seems like a lot to me. It's one thing if you want to bring an old guy like Crash Davis up from the minors for the league minimum. It's quite another to import one who's never played in America before at $10 mil a year. (Dice-K, who's only 27, is a steal at $6 mil.)

But, what do I know? I don't run a baseball team. I think paying a $51 million tariff on a guy is a bad deal, but this is obviously something that time and life experience teaches you is "a good deal."

What's that? Theo Epstein's the same age as I am?!?

Hmmm. Maybe that was a pretty stupid deal after all.

I Am Lightly Disappointed

I recently had an opportunity to see the new Will Smith actioner I Am Legend. For those of you who know nothing about the movie, it's the third adaptation of the Richard Matheson novel of the same name. But, while it has the pedigree of being the only adaptation to bear the name of the novel, it's actually just a remake of adaptation #2, The Omega Man, which had nothing to do with the novel other than the "last man on Earth" theme. (Oddly enough, The Last Man on Earth was the first adaptation of I Am Legend, and the most loyal, as its screenplay was actually written by Matheson.)

So, basically, what you end up with is a warmed-over version of a movie that wasn't that good to begin with. The new special effects are nice, making New York City actually look deserted, instead of just looking like it was filmed in abandoned back alleys. But the "infected" humans look stupid and their increased presence at the end of the film turns this into just another mindless action movie, instead of the study of loneliness that Matheson originally intended.

And speaking of which...the major theme of the book and all three movies has been what happens to a person when they are subjected to complete loneliness, the complete absence of anyone else but you. The book and movies portray this as a bad thing.

To be quite honest, that would be my ideal existence. In this new movie, Will Smith seems to have fun standing on the deck of the USS Intrepid, hitting golf balls off the tailfin of a Blackbird. And going to the video store and interacting with the assorted mannequins he has set up throughout the city. But, the fun all ends when he mopes back to his lab to think about how lonely he is, and find a cure for the virus that wiped out the population.

I think being the last man on earth would be great. Imagine where you could live; imagine what you could do. Smith refuses to leave the island of Manhattan; no wonder he's so pissed (although he does appear to have plundered New York's Museum of Modern Art). Me, I'd be all over the place. Hell, I'd be happy just to drive around town, knowing that I'm not going to have to deal with all the mongoloid drivers. I'd live in Las Vegas, on an entire floor of suites in the Wynn. I'd drive a Lamborghini backwards down the highway. I'd shoot small and large arms fire at all the condos and timeshares. I'd light my cigarettes with $100 bills and use a pile of gold bouillon as a hot plate. And not a person in the world to stop me.

"Last man on Earth"? Hardly. More like, "Best Man on Earth"!

A Little Norman Mailer To Pass The Time

For no reason other than I'm psychotic, I've always been a fan of Norman Mailer's Tough Guys Don't Dance. I've read the book and seen the movie of the same name that Mailer himself wrote and directed. And while it ranks as one of Mailer's lesser works, I've always liked it, particularly the title, which I've long used as a motto.

Now, I'm a little behind the times here, as Mailer has been dead for a month now, but, I thought, as a tribute to him and that great piece of shit book, I'd stick a clip from his equally great piece of shit movie over in the sidebar.

Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass here, but I think this may be Ryan O'Neal's greatest bit of acting ever.

Check it out.

Once Again, Someone Goes Out Of Business, And I Make Out Like A Bandit

It's a shame when stores go out of business, but, when you can't make it in the marketplace, maybe you deserve to go out. And I'm usually one of the first guys standing at the door to pick over the remains (like the time I bought every good movie Sam Goody had at their going-out-of-business sale). I recently had an opportunity to do so again.

Tragically, the business going under was Premiere Video, probably the best video store in The JVL. I've referenced them here before as the only place in town I could find the Bourne movies. (I've noticed that since I posted that, both Blockbuster and Family Video now carry multiple copies. I don't think it has anything to do with the fact a new one just came out...) And, while they always had a great selection of movies, and the best selection of VHS movies this side of 2003, they just couldn't compete with Blockbuster and Family Video, both of which now have two stores here in town. Even I, a loyal patron, saw my visits decrease after I got hooked on the rent-o-rama that is Blockbuster Total Access.

And so, they went out of business. But not before they had a going-out-of-business sale. And, while I find it tragic that this great little business went under, The Girl and I had no problem plundering their stock. Here's what I made out with from their DVDs:

The Dark Crystal, Patton, Series 7, Land of the Dead, Out of Sight, Valentine, Friday the 13th, Erin Brockovich, The Fog, Manhunter, Spinal Tap, Ripley's Game, and The Omen.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, Premiere Video had a huge selection of VHS tapes. (Up until three years ago, their VHS section took up half the store. They had shit that doesn't exist in any format anymore.) And, since I refuse to accept VHS as a dead format (hell, I just got rid of my SelectaVision player last year), we scored in the VHS section as well with a lot of truly vintage shit:

Fried Green Tomatoes, When a Stranger Calls, Johnny Dangerously, April Fool's Day, Body Double, Stand by Me, Flowers in the Attic, The Lost Boys, The Amityville Horror, The Witches of Eastwick, The Dead Zone, and The Omen 2. (BTW, all the movies here are the originals and not the remakes. There was one exception, which was Psycho, which The Girl mistakenly picked up, thinking it was the original. It was promptly thrown out the window upon discovery.)

How big a score was this? Twenty six movies for less than $80. You can't even rent 26 movies for less than $80. And, compared to other people, we didn't even get that many movies. We bought those over the three days of the sale: I went the first day, we both went the second, and then we checked out what was left on the last day. There were people who bought at least that many just on one day, and I'm sure they came back, as the prices decreased by $2 every day. (While we only picked up movies we actually liked, there are some that were buying shit because it was cheap. I saw one guy buying Chill Factor. Yeah, that's right: Chill Factor. I wouldn't take that movie if it were free. I'm sure Cool As Ice and Stone Cold also managed to make their way into someones' collections.)

Like I said before, I wish Premiere had stayed in business. But, if they did, how would I be able to get Johnny Dangerously for a buck?

Another one of the tragic ironies of life.

Futurama Returns

For fans of the show, it was a dark day when Fox rather ungraciously ushered Futurama off the air four years ago. The brainchild of Matt Groening, it was probably one of the smartest shows to air on TV at the time (which is probably why Fox, which also airs the stupidest shows on TV, was so quick to cancel it (yet they keep bringing back Family Guy)) and was actually better than Groening's other show, The Simpsons, for the time it was on. But, that didn't last.

So, it was off to the video and syndication market for Futurama. And this caused something odd to happen. (Well, not really odd, as the same thing happened to Family Guy.) During Comedy Central's negotiation to pick up the syndication rights for Futurama, due to good DVD sales and high-rated reruns on Cartoon Network, Fox claimed it was open to producing a sixth season of the show, which would air on Comedy Central when they began showing the reruns in 2008. It was decided that, instead of producing 16 new episodes, four feature-length movies would be produced, which would be reedited into episodic format for the sixth season.

This has been in the works for two years. And now we have the first of those movies: Bender's Big Score.

Let me start off by saying that Futurama has lost nothing in its four year absence. In fact, as someone who's seen every episode, I can say that this movie may be the best Futurama episode(s) ever (unlike The Simpsons Movie, which isn't even as good as some individual episodes). The entire voice cast is back, as is most of the writing and production staff, and everyone's at the top of their games. So on top of their games that they have concocted the most complicated story ever, like Mission: Impossible-complicated. But, if you follow the story, it's great. If this is any indication of the quality of the other movies, I think we might be looking at Futurama's best season.

Seeing as this is a stand-alone DVD release (for the moment), there's some nice extras. The commentary with a good portion of cast and crew is funny and informative. And while I didn't watch a lot of the other features, I did watch a rather fascinating lecture on mathematical facts and figures that appear in Futurama. (It sounds dry, I know, but it just goes to show you how clever this show can be.)

I wish there were going to be more than just sixteen new episodes, but, hey, 16 new episodes sure beats zero. And, hey, Fox canceled Family Guy twice, and it's aired almost 50 episodes since they brought it back. If a show that stupid can get a second/third chance like that, I'm sure we can look forward to more Futurama in the futurama.

(Worst...pun...ever.)

Last Five Movies

Hitman (2007)
Remember that Stallone movie Assassins? Yeah, me neither, but, if I did, I'd say this movie was about the same, except maybe a little more stylishly done. Plus, it's got T-Bag from Prison Break; how do ya not like that?

Gone Baby Gone (2007)
Yet more proof that the public is best served by Ben Affleck being an off-screen presence. Much better writer/director than he is an actor (even though he was the bomb in Phantoms). And, just for the record, Casey Affleck's character makes the wrong choice at the end. For the record.

Skinwalkers (2007)
A movie in which every character is some sort of werewolf vampire. Basically, a really poorly-made ripoff of Underworld. The only entertaining part of this movie was the scene in which all the townsfolk drop everything they're doing to participate in a gun fight. Dumbest...scene...ever.

Stir of Echoes, Part Deux (2006)
A made-for-TV sequel to the Kevin Bacon movie of the same name. Not really connected to the first film at all (with the exception of one character) and not entertaining at all. In fact, I was so disappointed that I watched the first Stir of Echoes directly after to make myself feel better. Props, however, go out to the movie for setting part of the action in my hometown of Rockford, IL. But that's about it. Everyone not from Rockford (ie, 99.99% of the population) need not watch.

A no-brainer, what with all the crap I've seen over the past couple o' weeks:

No Country for Old Men (2007)
As good as everyone claims it is; a must-watch for fans of Blood Simple. And I don't know whether to attribute the quality of writing to the Coens or Cormac McCarthy, who wrote the book, but I'd say a Best Adapted Screenplay nomination is a pretty safe bet. Yes, it does drag at times, and has the most abrupt ending in the history of movies, but it's still great.

Check it out.

The Goddamned Writers' Strike

If you've read this blog more than once, you know I watch a lot of TV. Needless to say, I'm a little pissed about this Writers' Strike, now entering its second month.

The strike came at a time when most TV shows were about halfway through their production schedules, meaning most shows had around 10-15 episodes in the can before their writers walked out. Others, like Lost and 24, which started production later due to their January premiere dates, have even fewer and may not even come out on time. At least one show that I can think of (Heroes: Origins) has been shitcanned altogether. And as we're already about 10 weeks into the new TV season, every show is going into reruns to preserve their remaining new episodes, regardless of whether they had a hiatus scheduled or not. It's a really great deal for the TV viewer.

I'm going to change gears here for a moment. I've worked in the auto industry for a number of years, and have had to deal with the United Auto Workers for every one of them. The UAW is a huge union, with over half a million active members. (The two Writers Guilds have about 12,000.) Their union contract with the auto manufacturers is the size of the Greater Los Angeles white pages. Every and anything the union can get from the car makers they will take. And, over the years, they've taken a lot.

In September and October, the UAW struck two of the Big Three American car companies, after negotiations on their new contracts broke down. The major sticking points in the negotiations were healthcare and the establishment of a company-funded, union-run retiree pension fund. These were both huge points for the auto makers, as legacy costs have nearly driven the Big Three (especially GM) to the brink of bankruptcy. Now, I can see why you would strike over these points, as healthcare is an extremely important (and expensive) issue for companies and employees alike.

The two strikes lasted three days each. The UAW agreed to pay for some of their health care, agreed to the new pension deal, took a one-time bonus in lieu of yearly wage increases, agreed to the establishment of a two-tier wage scale, and took the auto makers' word on increased production in the US. It doesn't seem like the UAW got a whole lot out of the deal, but, trust me: They got exactly what they wanted.

That being said, the UAW looks like a poverty-stricken monastic order compared to the Writers Guilds. Basically, the point of contention in their negotiations is that they want a cut of everything that can make money. Advertising revenue from internet broadcasts, royalties from DVD sales, even profits from reality programming, which doesn't even have writers (except for The Hills, which is about as spontaneous as a glacier). They even want any possible revenue from internet-only content, which makes no money. In short, if there's money involved, they want a cut.

I read that the average Guild member makes $60,000 a year. Hardly slave wages. And they want every possible royalty on top of that. Most unionized employees would be ecstatic to make that much. Yet I don't see them clamoring for royalties. Can you imagine if the UAW demanded that they be paid a percentage of every vehicle sold? Or if garbage men asked for a bonus based on the amount of trash collected? Their respective employers would laugh in their faces and fire the whole fucking lot and start from scratch. And those are jobs that make the world go 'round, so to speak.

But, apparently it's ok for a bunch of dingleberries who write TV shows to expect to be compensated thusly, and still expect to keep their jobs. I do appreciate the fact that the networks are retaliating by firing the non-writing staffs of their shows: no money coming in, no need for money to go out. Gotta save up the money that these asshole writers are going to end up making while you can.

So, until the strike comes to a close, enjoy the reruns and endless hours of reality programming the networks will be showing in lieu of original programming. I know you'll enjoy it as much as I will.