The World's Hottest Divorcée

Earlier in the week, it was announced that music star Shania Twain and her producer husband Mutt Lange were busting up after 14 years of marriage. This comes as no surprise to me, as couples like this always bust up.

What's more interesting about this (to me, at least) is the whole money thing that usually follows a divorce, especially when one party is super-famous and the other is some ugly dude you didn't even know she was married to. Like Britney and K-Fed. K-Fed gets millions for ruining what used to be Britney Spears. Same with several of J-Lo's husbands. Same with Melissa Matheson, who took Harrison Ford for all he was worth and then some. It would appear to be the same here, because Shania Twain is Shania Twain and Mutt Lange is...who?

But I think it might be different in this case. Before Shania had even left Canada, Mutt was a pretty big deal as a producer. He produced the two best-selling AC/DC records, including Back in Black, the second-highest selling record ever. He produced (and co-wrote) four Def Leppard records which sold 27 million copies in the US alone, before "hair metal" ceased to exist. He wrote "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You," which is still "popular" to this day. He wrote "Do You Believe in Love," the song that introduced Huey Lewis to the world. Oh, and he co-wrote and produced Shania Twain's entire discography.

This all may not seem like anything, but, if you know how music royalties work, you make more money for writing a song than performing it. Mutt has hundreds of millions records sold with him as a songwriter; Shania's got about half that. Needless to say, Mutt's got his own money.

What it all comes down to is this: if Mutt doesn't walk away from this with a lion's share of the money, he should kill his attorney.

Actually...scratch that. What it really comes down to is: Shania Twain is on the market again.

Hooray for everyone!

The Brewers Are Back To Being The Brewers

Had a chance to catch the Milwaukee Brewers last weekend.

Last year at this time, the Brewers had the best record in baseball. And then this happened.

This year, they actually appear to be doing it in reverse, starting out like a complete bag of crap. Only they don't appear to be getting any better.

The thing with the Brewers is that they're not a bad team. They're a very young team with a lot of talent. They have a big-time, legitimate power hitter in Prince Fielder (who wears a three-sizes-too-big uniform that don't make him look any skinnier). They have the reigning Rookie of the Year (whom they just signed to a steal of a contract). They appear to have let Geoff Jenkins go at just the right time. And, I say this with no irony, but they have one of the best pitchers (when he pitches a full year) in Ben Sheets.

All that being said, there a lot of negatives. They have surrounded Sheets with a rouge's gallery of washout pitchers. Most of their infield is terrible, particularly Rickie Weeks, who might pan out to be a career .230 hitter. (At least long-time Brewer Rob Deer had the courtesy to hit 30 homers a year while batting .230 (or less).) And sinking 12% of your payroll in the best closer (circa 2003) may not have been such a great move.

And, speaking of payroll, they may want to sink some of that into a better manager. Ned Yost did a decent job last year, but I think he might have been buoyed by the fact that his team seemingly hit home runs at will. I think now that they've lost that ability that we're getting to see Yost for the manager he is. They had a good manager in Phil Garner, but most of the teams he was saddled with were just shit. Hiring guys like Yost or whoever is next on the Brewers coaching staff might be a bad idea. Even Cecil Cooper, Garner's replacement in Houston AND a Milwaukee fan favorite, would be a better manager than Yost.

But, the season is barely a quarter over. Maybe the Brewers will pull a turnaround. Hell, the Cubs are leading the division, and the only reason they're there is because no one else is. Maybe the Brewers can finish up strong when the Cubs stage their yearly collapse.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Do Ya Like Black Sabbath...

Because "Iron Man" has been inevitably linked to this, the movie of the same name.

A while back, I mentioned that Iron Man might turn out to be pretty cool. (I've also mentioned that it might suck. I'm fickle like that.) Having seen it, I'm kinda in between on my actual opinion of the movie.


I was wrong about Robert Downey Jr. maybe ruining the movie; he was actually pretty enjoyable in it. And Gwyneth Paltrow was completely serviceable as Pepper Potts. All and all, I was pleased with the movie.

But I'm hearing some shit about how great this movie is; maybe the best comic book adaptation ever.

Uh-uh.

In terms of the origin story, they got that right. They even got a lot of the ancillary characters, like Jim Rhodes and Happy Hogan, in there. But in terms of story possibilities as a franchise? Well...there really aren't any more.

Iron Man butted heads with Obidiah Stane for, like, every issue for years. It was Stane who caused Tony Stark to become a drunken vagrant and Jim Rhodes to assume the Iron Man mantle. But after one movie, Stane's dead. (And why is it that comic book movies feel the need to kill the villains. Dr. Octopus has been a Spiderman villain for nearly 50 years, yet, one movie, and he's dead.) There really aren't any other Iron Man villains. I mean, there's the Mandarin, but...Hello, embarrassing Asian stereotypes! Basically, we're to the point where you have to make shit up to continue this story, which is what I suspect they'll do.

I guess we'll see in two years when the sequel comes out.

Trent Reznor: Officially Gone Nuts

Over a year ago, I commented on the fact that Trent Reznor had a new album (which turned out to be Year Zero) coming out a little less than two years after his previous album. For a guy who only releases an album every half decade or so, I figured that Trent must be on fire. I figured we wouldn't hear from Trent for a long time after.

That was a year ago. Since then, Trent has put out three albums, two of them in less than a month. For a guy who took 16 years to put out his first five albums, to crank out three in under a year is, well, a hell of a pace.

So, why is Trent nuts?

Going back to the With Teeth album, Trent has been slowly releasing the source material of his songs for his fans to remix. Giving music away for free is something that drives the record companies nuts. And Trent himself may be nuts, because he's giving away his new album for free.

The Slip, which came out today, is available for free download at nin.com. No gimmicks, no catches, no right-protection. Just go and download it. You can even send a copy to your friends.

And while I appreciate the fact that Trent has decided to become prolific, I don't think he can keep up this pace. He's going back on tour (again) and I think he'll just be burned out once he gets back.

But...he's proven me wrong before. Maybe he'll do it again.

Or end up in an asylum.

Last Five Movies

Lust, Caution (2007)
A movie from a new genre I'm liking very much: the WWII Female Spy Softcore Porno Movie. I call it a new genre, as I can only think of one other movie in the genre, that being Paul Verhoeven's Black Book. It's odd that both movies are by well-known directors (Ang Lee and Verhoeven) who returned to their native countries (Taiwan and Holland) to make these movies. Both are great...if you like WWII Female Spy Softcore Porno Movies.

Prom Night (2008)
Not really a remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis movie as much as it's a movie with the same name about a killer on prom night, much the same way Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 was a sequel of Prom Night because it had a "2" in its title. I don't know what kind of money your typical 16 year old girl makes, but apparently it's enough to take her and a half dozen of her squealing friends to see this movie. I think that also gives you an idea of how terrible this movie is. Go rent the "original" instead.

Dead Heat (1988)
Yet another of the 100,000 crappy horror movies that came out during the '80s (the only good thing about the '80s, really). This one's actually pretty special, because it features the acting talents of Joe Piscopo in one of the three movies he made after leaving SNL. He really doesn't improve the proceedings. I hadn't seen this movie in 20 years, and it hasn't improved with age (although some of the special effects are still pretty gross).

Baby Mama (2008)
One of the funniest movies I've seen in a while. Sure, it's predictable, and the characters aren't fleshed out very well (Tina Fey basically plays her character from 30 Rock), but it's still hilarious. There's a scene where Amy Poehler pretends to be Fey's sister that had me literally in tears. Funny, funny, funny.

It's a tough call, seeing as how funny Baby Mama was, but...

The Orphanage (2007)
From the funniest to the scariest. This Guillermo Del Toro-produced Spanish import is the creepiest thing I've seen in a long time. It's just more proof that no one in the U.S. has any idea to make a scary movie (refer to my comments on Prom Night), as all of the scariest movies are imports. Well worth a look...if you like scary movies.

Check it out.

Here Comes A Real American Hero

The other day, flipping through some stuff on Yahoo, I came across this slideshow of promo stills from G.I. Joe, the upcoming live-action adaptation of the toy line/cartoon/comic book of the same name. Honestly, before I saw these photos, I didn't even know there was an upcoming G.I. Joe movie. Really seems like a kinda stupid idea to me. But, they made a movie out of The Transformers, the other big toy line/cartoon/comic book of the '80s, and it did good business, so why not G.I. Joe?

After checking on the IMDB page for the movie, and seeing who's going to be in it, I have a few comments:

-I don't know who Channing Tatum is, nor do I care, but do we really want him playing the leader of America's Fighting Force? Was Zak Efron not available?

-I just can't envision Joseph Gordon-Hewitt as Cobra Commander. Unless he's going to talk in that queer screechy voice he had in the cartoon. Then Gordon-Hewitt might be a perfect choice.

-I've seen production stills from the movie in which Sienna Miller still has blonde hair, which is great, as Sienna looks good blonde, but her character, Baroness, had black hair. They've still got a year and a half to dye it, I guess.

-It's nice to see that Zartan made the cut. I wonder if Arnold Vosloo's skin will turn blue when exposed to light, or if he'll have that backpack with the goofy mask inside. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you were deprived as a child.)

-I see both Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are in the movie, so get really for some Ninja Action!

-This movie might be worth sitting through if Rachel Nichols spends the whole thing squeezed into a skin-tight suit. At least her hair's the right color.

I'm sure this movie will suck, but I'll see it anyway. It is G.I. Joe, after all.

The Post Office Has Run Out Of People To Commemorate

I don't usually go to the post office, but I had to stop in the other day for a stamp, a single stamp. I happened to look at the stamp that they stuck on my envelope and noticed it was a rather large commemorative stamp of physicist John Bardeen.

Usually, when the Post Office issues a commemorative stamp, it's of someone well known, like John Wayne or Dwight Eisenhower or a Looney Tunes character; stuff like that. I think they might be scraping the bottom if they're putting out stamps for significant yet pop-culturally obscure physicists.

For those not in the know, John Bardeen was a two-time Nobel physicist: one for his work on the transistor, and the other for...something else. Quite honestly, I really don't anything about Bardeen, except for the Nobel/transistor thing, and the only reason I know that is because my high school Spanish teacher was Bardeen's nephew. As for the other people shown in the stamps above, well, that would require a trip to Wikipedia. But I'm willing to bet the rest of the population would have to make that trip for Bardeen as well.

It's nice to see "science types" getting the recognition they deserve. We might be better as a society if our knowledge of people like Bardeen was greater than our knowledge of Britney Spears, but...that's America for ya. Personally, I was hoping for a Wilhelm Röntgen stamp, but I guess John Bardeen will have to do.

I Change My Loyalties Once Again

Remember a while back, when I switched my online movie renting from GreenCine to Blockbuster Online? No? Well, that's what the link's for.

Anyway...I really liked Blockbuster Online. I liked that you could return your movies-by-mail at their storefront locations for another movie. I liked that they gave you a coupon every month for a free game. I liked that, with some effort, I could watch like 48 movies, 2/3s of which I didn't pay for. It was a good deal, AND it cost about the same as what I was paying before.

Now, I would guess that Blockbuster's ideal customer is one who's on the three-out plan, who maybe will watch all three in a week and then return them in the mail when they're done. Blockbuster has about a $2-3 per unit cost on these people. These are the people they like.

The people they hate are ones like me, who are completely fucking their eyes out on this deal. People who are on the four-out, unlimited returns plan, who can turn movies around fast enough that they actually might get five to six in the mail in a week, and return everything in-store, basically doubling the number of movies they get. Per unit cost on that is, like, 60-70 cents. They hate people like me. And I'm guessing they had a lot of subscribers like me, because, about six months ago, they put an end to those fucking shenanigans.

They got rid of the four-out plan altogether. They made in-store returns a "bonus" (ie, extra cost) feature, the game coupons went bye-bye, and, just for the hell of it, raised the price on all plans across the board. Suddenly, I was actually paying more for fewer movies. In the end, the pleasure of doing my renting with Blockbuster was costing me (get this) $43 a month, with tax. That...really is a lot.

So I switched to Netflix. They have a four-out plan, as well as a five-, six-, all the way up to eight-out (which actually only costs three bucks more than what I was paying with Blockbuster). Their shipping turnaround is a day, as opposed to the 2-3 with Blockbuster. They also have an large and comprehensive collection of video-on-demand that you can watch over the internet. I watched almost all of Season Three of Miami Vice in this way. And this is all costing me $20 less than what I was paying Blockbuster.

Blockbuster was a good ride until they ruined it. I suspect others will leave much as I did.

Window XP Goes Bye-Bye

If you hadn't already heard, Microsoft has announced that they will be taking the Windows XP operating system off the market in June. They've already had Windows Vista online for some time now, and I guess they figured they didn't need two operating systems on the market.

Basically, all I have to say on the matter is this: If you're an XP user, and you really like it, and you don't want to make the switch, then call Microsoft right now and get any issues you have with the program resolved. When Microsoft gets rid of a product, they get rid of a product.

Call Microsoft and tell them you're having some trouble with Windows Me. I bet they hang up on you, or say "Who is this...no, really." Although, I'm sure, for a couple hundred bucks, they might help you out. But then, that's what a normal tech call to Microsoft costs, so maybe that money is better spent actually buying a copy of Vista.

Oh well. I'll get over this like I got over the passing of Windows 3.1, 95, 98, and Me (an OS that couldn't be killed off fast enough).

Wisconsin Man Murders Bucks

For no reason, I happened to catch a Bucks-Pacers game the other day. Both teams stink, so this was a real stinker. The only thing that made the game exciting, and the part I happened to catch, was the fact that Marquette alum Travis Diener came into the game and proceeded to bring the Pacers back from a 10 point deficit to an eight point win.

Diener had 15 points, all three-pointer, in the fourth quarter. The Pacers were down by 10, Diener came in, and suddenly they were winning. And this guys isn't a starter?

Now that Larry Bird is running this team, maybe he needs to make some moves. I think he should see if he can pry Steve Novak away from the Rockets. Novak and Diener played together at Marquette, so they know how the other guy plays. Both are serious long-range threats. With two other shooters in Mike Dunlevy and Danny Granger, this whole team could shoot the lights out, if they wanted. If O'Neal and Tinsley ever come back, you might have a team there.

It's just an idea, though. Probably won't happen.

Nothing But Trailers

I see a lot of movies. It just goes along with that that I end up watching a lot of movie trailers. I actually enjoy them. When I get the opportunity, I watch HDNet's show Nothing But Trailers, which is, as the name would indicate, nothing but trailers. This is how much I like trailers.

But it occurred to me that lots of people don't watch a lot of movies and, therefore, don't get to see trailers. They have no idea what's coming out. And, particularly for a lot of readers of this blog, the ones they do see are whatever's tacked on the front of Alvin and the Chipmunks or The Veggie Tales Movie (ie, shit they really don't want to see anyway).

So, this is for you, those that don't get to see what's coming out: your own personal Coming Attractions. Enjoy.

Tropic Thunder: Even though I'd seen this before, it was tacked on the front of The Ruins (which really wasn't as terrible as I had suspected it would be) and inspired me to post this. It looks like it might be hilarious. Robert Downey Jr. as a black guy is comic gold.


Street Kings: Keanu Reeves could make a ton of money in Hollywood. He's shown he can open a movie and would easily be worth a $20 million paycheck, yet he continues to star in non-blockbuster stuff.


Meet Dave: Wasn't Eddie Murphy an Oscar nominee, like, a year ago? You wouldn't know it, as his last two movies are this and Norbit. Talk about a career at an absolute nadir.


Get Smart: This one's been out for quite some time, but last week was the first time I'd seen it in a theatre. I don't know if it will be any good or not (I suspect not), but prepare to laugh your ass off around the 53 second mark of this trailer.


Amusement: I have a clue what this is about, but it's got a scary clown killer in it, which is good enough for me.


The Incredible Hulk: Apparently, Ang Lee's existential take on The Hulk wasn't shitty enough by Hollywood standards, so they found someone who would make a shittier version. Yes, that's right: This is NOT a sequel to The Hulk, but an entirely new film. And it looks completely awful.


The Midnight Meat Train: I have no idea how they managed to adapt Clive Barker's story into a movie, but...here it is.


And, lastly, but not leastly,

Righteous Shoot: DeNiro and Pacino, together in the same movie. How are you NOT going to see this?


Check 'em out if you like what you see.

Hit The Road, You Motherfucker

Just days after getting knocked out of the NCAA tournament on a lucky shot, Tom Crean gave Marquette another punch in the mouth, and told them he was going to take the vacant Indiana coaching job.

Indiana's program has recently been decimated by their head coach being fired over recruiting fraud, players leaving for the draft and others getting kicked off the team. This is what Crean left Marquette for.

He leaves a team with all but one of their starters expected to return. He leaves a school that was paying him one of the highest salaries in college basketball, and was willing to give him literally anything he wanted. Leaves all this to coach at "magical" Indiana.

Fuck Indiana. I hope their starters do go to the draft. I hope the players that got kicked off the team stay off the team. I hope Indiana goes 0-34.

Yes, and fuck you too, Tom Crean. Have fun coaching in the Big 10 with your weak-ass program. I'm sure Marquette fans will revel Wisconsin handing your ass to you twice a year for the rest of your miserable career. So, fuck him.

Now begins the rebuilding, chiefly, finding a new coach. There's a lot of talk about Tony Bennett, son of legendary Wisconsin coach Dick Bennett and current coach at Washington State. He's a hell of a coach, and has ties to the state (he's from here). If he was the coach, maybe he could teach the guys how to shoot three-pointers (because they suck at it), as he could sure shoot the shit out of the ball when he played.

But, that probably won't happen. We'll see, but I'm not holding my breath. All's I know is that as long as Tom Crean fucks himself and the horse he rode in on, I'll be happy.

Dr. Pepper Loves G N' R

Today, it was reported that the Dr. Pepper company would give a free Dr. Pepper to every man, woman, and child in the U.S. (with the odd exceptions of former G N' R guitarists Slash and Buckethead) if Guns N' Roses actually releases its long-awaited album Chinese Democracy during the 2008 calender year. The company claimed that they could appreciate the 10+ years it is taking the band to put out the record, as Dr. Pepper itself took a long time to perfect its mix of 23 ingredients.

Axl Rose issued a response, stating, "We are surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper with our album Chinese Democracy, as for us, this came totally out of the blue. If there is any involvement with this promotion by our record company or others, we are unaware of such at this time. And as some of Buckethead's performances are on our album, I'll share my Dr Pepper with him."

Ya know, to me, it sounds like Dr. Pepper doesn't want G N' R to release Chinese Democracy. Three hundred fifty million people times whatever a can of Dr. Pepper costs sounds like a hell of a corporate writedown to me. It sounds to me like they're hedging their bets, and are hoping that, well, it's already been 14 years; why the hell would it come out this year?

It's a nice promotional item, both for Dr. Pepper and G N' R, one that I don't think will amount to anything from either side. I, personally, hope they do release their record, as I could use a Dr. Pepper right about now.

Sure would be tasty.

Last Five Movies

Revolver (2005)
Why is Guy Richie still allowed to make movies? His first two movies were exactly the same, his third was a Madonna vanity project, and this one is a complete piece of shit. Maybe that's why it sat on the shelf for two years and no one has ever heard of it.

Bee Movie (2007)
The most complicated movie ever made about bees. I thought they just flew everywhere. Who knew they used cars?

Female Yakuza Tale: Inquisition and Torture (1973)
Toei Studios in Japan used to make sex-and-violence movies by the dozens. There were actresses like Reiko Ike (who's in this one) and Miki Sugimoto who only starred in these movies. And they're usually pretty great...except for this one, which is nowhere near as good as Sex and Fury, the movie for which this is a sequel. Lots more sex, but a lot less violence. That's bullshit.

The Ghost Galleon (1974)
Armando de Ossorio made four Blind Dead films, of which this is the third. Regardless of title, they're all pretty much the same: the Blind Dead rise from the grave and kill everyone. And that's about it.

Slow, slow, SLOW week:

The Mist (2007)
Actually, a pretty good adaptation of the Stephen King story, which, in movie terms, isn't saying much, but it's still a decent movie. However, it may contain the greatest ending ever committed to film. The morale of the story: Don't count your chicken before they hatch. Or something like that.

Check it out.

You Know It's A Slow News Day When This Makes The Cut

For no reason, I happened to catch part of Inside Edition the other day. The story I happened to catch was about the "Brady Bunch Curse."

As you probably know, the Brady house, which was featured in every episode of the show, is an actual house in Studio City, CA. It's still there to this day (although it looks slightly different). And, as it was in every episode of The Brady Bunch, even though it's currently a private residence, it's still a tourist attraction.

The gist of the story on Inside Edition was that the woman who lives directly to the left of the Brady House has had her house up for sale for three months, yet has had no prospects. Inside Edition speculated that it was because of the tourist traffic scaring off prospective buyers. I, being naive, speculated that asking $1.3 million for a 2000 sq ft house with the economy and the housing market in the toilet was scaring off prospective buyers. But I think Inside Edition might be on to something here. Maybe there is a "Brady Curse" that keeps neighboring houses from selling.

That has to be it. I can't see any other reason. Inside Edition nails another one.

BOOYAH!!

It's March Madness Time

Now that Marquette has been knocked out of the NCAA Tournament by the luckiest piece-of-shit shot I have ever seen, my March Madness is done with. Some comments on what I saw prior to that:

-Is it just me, or does Marquette appear to have a set play where they dribble down court, brick a three-pointer, and then tip in the rebound? Because they do it all the fucking time, so it must be a play, right? Here's an idea: LAY OFF THE GODDAMN THREES. (BTW, I appreciated Dick Enberg's moment of senility when he called Marquette "The Warriors.")

-The Girl had seen one, maybe two, NCAA games prior to this year, yet she's become quite the bracket handicapper. She picked Villanova for the Sweet 16, for Christ's Sake! Speaking of which...

-How crazy is it that every low seed won the first round in Tampa? That's never happened before. Which brings me to...

-Fuck Duke. If ever there was a team that deserved to lose to red-hot West Virginia, it's the Blue Devils. So, good riddance; fuck them. Now I can go eight months without having to hear how great they are.

-I was kinda hoping those Wisconsin Badger fuckers were going to play Georgetown in the Sweet 16, but those upstart punks from Davidson ruined that. But, that one Davidson guy scored like 70 points in the first two rounds, so maybe he'll be able to send those Badger jags home as well.

-Is anyone watching the NIT? I saw one game, Ohio St. v. UNC-Asheville, and I will say one thing: Kenny George (of UNC) is incredibly huge. He's the only guy I've ever seen who makes Shaq look like a runt. Unfortunately, George's ridiculous skill at catch-and-dunk were no match for Ohio St. And, speaking of which...

-Does anyone find it a little convenient that Ohio St. and Florida (who both weren't good enough to make The Big Show this year) were placed on opposite sides of the bracket, so that they could possibly play in the NIT version of last year's NCAA championship game (in two different sports)? That NIT selection committee, I tell ya!!

So, that's it: My interest in college basketball is over for the year. Marquette had a nice run, even if they did play Kentucky too early in the tourney to make a real run at it. Maybe they'll do better next year. Or, lose in the first round like they do every other year. We'll see how it pans out in '09.

Oh, and btw: Fuck Duke.

Oh, Now They've Done It

A week or so ago, Warner Brothers released photos of the costumes for the characters in their upcoming Watchmen movie. You can check them out on this slideshow at Yahoo, or just go to the movie's official website.

So, I guess since they have character costumes, and, looking at the website, they appear to have sets and whatnot, I guess they're actually going to make a Watchmen movie.

I've lamented the fact that this would eventually happen before, and I'm really not that pleased about it. It's being done without the cooperation of Alan Moore, who passes on participating in any film version of his work. I mean, look at how pissed off he looks in that picture on the right. Does that look like a guy who's happy to have his masterpiece turned into what will probably be a piece of shit movie? I think not.

Not that any of this is a surprise. Studios have been attempting to turn Watchmen into a movie almost since it was published (as you can see by the "2006" date in the teaser banner that tops this post). This property has been in turnaround for nearly 20 years. And I can understand why.
It's an incredibly dense story, with three or four storylines going on at once, one of which is the narrative of a comic-within-a-comic that mirrors the main plotline. And it's not a "happy" story, by any means. It's violent, depressing, with Nixon still President, and the U.S. is on the brink of war with Russia. It's also got a take on terrorism that might hit a little close to post-9/11 New York City.

And you can't exactly make a faithful adaptation when Moore is of no help. Joel Silver or whatever producer is running this thing can't call Moore and say, "Alan, I'm having some trouble with Chapter 3 here. Any story ideas?" They'll be greeted with a "Go fuck yourself," or some other witty Briticism. The only reason his name will appear at all in the credits is because the Writers Guild requires it to. Otherwise, I'm sure he'd take a pass. Really, this has the makings of a disaster written all over it.

But, I thought the same thing when I heard they were turning the Sin City books into a movie, and that movie was, literally, the comic on film. Maybe Watchmen will turn out the same.

But I doubt it.

Awwwww, Drag

I hate Brett Favre.

Having lived in Wisconsin his entire playing career, all I've ever heard about is how great Brett Favre is. Honestly, in those first couple of years, I couldn't see what was so special about this pill-popping hick with the phonetically-incorrect name. Sure, he won an MVP, but, as I've said before, everybody's got one MVP year in them. I didn't see what the big deal was.

And then the Packers won the Super Bowl.

Suddenly, you'd've thought Christ had come back and was playing for the Packers. Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre and how great the fucking Packers were was all I ever heard. This is where the hatred really kicked in. After he won his second MVP in '96, I threatened to stop watching football if he won it again. (He did, but the Packers getting smoked in the Super Bowl made me rescind my threat.)

The Packers never went to the Super Bowl again, but all you ever heard, year after year, was "The Pack's gonna win it this year!" It's enough to make a player hater like myself wanna kill people.

But, like all bad things, they do eventually end, and Brett Favre finally retired.

Now, like other players I've hated on in the past that retired (Michael Jordan being another good example), Favre can be appreciated for his career, as I no longer have to see him play or hear about how great he is every fucking day.

So, I'll just come out and admit it: Favre was great; possibly the best ever.

During his 16 years, he managed to break every major passing record. He's one of three players to win the MVP three times (in a row, even). And even though he only won the one Super Bowl, the fact that he did it with a very much second-rate team only adds to his greatness. Hell, the fact he was able to win with any of the terrible teams he got saddled with (particularly the '07 squad) is quite a feat in and of itself.

Will his greatness stand the test of time? If Payton Manning stays healthy and consistent, he'll break most of Favre's records. It'll be a stretch, but it can be done.

However, he did set two records last season which are pretty much unbreakable. His 253 consecutive starts at quarterback (270-something including playoffs) is akin to, and possibly more impressive than, Cal Ripkin's consecutive games streak, and just as unbreakable. That's 16 years of never missing a game, which, in football, is unheard of. The more dubious record is Favre's 288 interceptions. The only person who would have a remote chance to beat that is Vinny Testeverde, except that a) he retired, and b) he played until he was 57 and still didn't get close to 288.

And, with the end of the Favre Era comes the end of the Packers ever being good again. I think they expected Favre never to retire, so they really never came up with a plan for when he did. There's no Steve Young waiting in the wings to take over. And when you've got a guy who's never missed a game, it's kinda hard to develop a backup. So, I don't suspect they'll ever be good again, especially since the team they had this year, with the exception of Favre, was really terrible.

And that's that: One of the greats retires, and the Packers become a first-year expansion team. I'm pleased on both counts.

"Where Jacko's Money At?"

Last week, it was made public that Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch would be auctioned off unless he comes up with $25 million in the next three weeks. While, in terms of a real estate transaction, I think that's pretty fair, as banks usually don't give non-Kings of Pop that much time to come up with payment, what boggles my mind is how the hell Michael Jackson can't pay this thing off.

Here's a guy who has one album, a single album, that sold 100 million copies. Add the rest of his catalog, and there's another couple 100 million sales. The 25th anniversary reissue of that same record sold 166,000 copies its first week, good for #2 for that week and is double that now. (Pretty impressive, considering literally every person on the planet already owns the original.)

Here's a guy who, at one point, owned the publishing rights to the entire Beatles catalog, one of maybe two catalogs to sell more records than his. (He's since been reduced to a 25% stake.)

Here's a guy who sold out tour after tour all around the world, including the All-Groweds-Up Jackson 5 Tour.

All that, yet his ass is as broke as a bum in the street. Where the fuck did all that money go?

Take a look at a guy like Ted Turner. Turner lost $9 billion when AOL Time Warner nearly went bankrupt, and still had a billion left. That's what we in the biz call "investing," that you can lose $9 billion and still have enough money left to not have to earn a penny for the rest of your life.

I think Jacko may want to head down to the community college and enroll in an Econ 101 class, because he obviously has no concept of how to hold onto any money. And, because of it, he, Blanket, and the rest of the Jackson clan have to live in a refrigerator box behind the local Costco.

Bravo, Michael. Maybe you can rub your last two nickels together and wish for a magical bankruptcy attorney to appear. You're pretty much fucked otherwise.

Iron Man Might Be Cool

This week's episode of Lost had the newest trailer for Iron Man. Check it out:



Honestly, I haven't made up on my mind on this movie yet. Back in my comic book days, Iron Man was my favorite book. I still have dozens of issues starting at issue #4, all the way through the 200s. Needless to say, I'm a fan.

Most Comic Book Movies invariably fuck up something that drives the die-hard fans nuts (like all the differences between the comic book and movie X-Men). I'm sure Iron Man does the same, but I'm seeing a lot of things that follow the books. Like Tony Stark getting captured and building the first Iron Man armor to escape. Or the fact that the next armor version was gold. I also see Obadiah Stane, who would ruin Stark's life and business, and the Iron Monger, which would seriously ruin Stane's life.

But, I also see things that are out of whack. Like Jim Rhodes, who was an integral part of the Iron Man books, as he actually was Iron Man for a number of years, but appears to be relegated to the buddy role in the movie. Also, the thing that applies the Iron Man armor resembles the "IT," that mode of transportation that Mr. Garrison invented on South Park (ya know, the one that was powered by fellatio and sodomy?). In the comics, the armor was only rigid when electrical current ran through it. Otherwise it folded completely flat and could be carried in a briefcase.

I'm still kinda stoked to see the movie, but I'm sure they've done something to fuck up my favorite superhero.

They always do.

The Obligatory Post-Oscar Post

A few comments on tonight's Oscars:

-The hilarity started before the ceremony even began, when Regis Philbin replaced the "J" in Javier Bardem's name with an "X". That's right: Xavier Bardem. Classy!

-Tommy Lee Jones was not amused by anything Jon Stewart said.

-Wesley Snipes and Spike Lee get stuck in a corner. And I wonder why they say Hollywood is racist.

-"Gaydolph Titler": comedy gold. Thank Christ the writers are back.

-I liked the clip where Catherine Zeta-Jones dedicates her Oscar to husband Michael Douglas, perhaps not realizing that he already had two. She was only 19 when he won his last one.

-I'd rather stick a shotgun in my mouth than have to suffer the indignity bestowed upon Amy Adams in performing that song. Now she knows how Rob Lowe felt when he sang with Snow White.

-Tilda Swinton seemed as surprised as the rest of us were that she won Best Supporting Actress. But don't say I didn't tell you.

-"The Fascination of Jessie James by the Coward Robert Ford." Jennifer Hudson's grasp of the English language is outstanding.

-The Academy did the right thing, and refused to give Norbit an Oscar, regardless of how great Rick Baker's work is.

-Again, with the fucking animated Oscar presenters. At least Jerry Seinfeld was the only one that got to be embarrassed this time.

-Jerry O'Connell, a 20-time nominee in Best Sound, gets shut out for the 20th time. "Oh well, maybe next year": how many times do ya think he's heard that?

-I still haven't decided whether Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill deliberately tried to look like the Coens or not.

-The slippery spot stage left nearly takes out three people, including one after Colin Farrell pointed it out.

-Penelope Cruz doesn't even get to sit in the same area code as Javier Bardem, even though they're boyfriend/girlfriend. Mickey Rooney had better seats.

-Apparently, no one wanted to hear what Marketa Irglova had to say...until Stewart pulled her back on stage and let her speak. A genuinely nice moment. And I like it when the oddball song wins the Oscar. Fuck you, Enchanted!

-Nicole Kidman was wearing about a dozen too many diamonds, which is nothing, considering she was wearing about two gross.

-The "In Memoriam" part is always enlightening. Roscoe Lee Browne, Deborah Kerr, Lazlo Kovacs: when'd they all die? And who knew Kitty Carlisle was still alive? And it was nice of them to sneak Heath Ledger in there. I didn't even know Lois Maxwell, who starred in more James Bond movies than Ledger starred in movies altogether, had died, yet there's that fucker Ledger upstaging everyone again.

-I realize Harrison Ford is, like, 64 years old, but he acted like he was, like, 80.

-Name one other stripper to win an Oscar.

-Marion Cotillard winning was a legitimate shocker.

-No Country for Old Men walks away with almost everything. No surprise; it was the best movie last year. They finally got one right, for once. Bravo, Oscar! I did find it odd that the two Scott Rudin-produced movies nominated for Best Picture (No Country and There Will Be Blood) were made by a studio (Paramount Vantage) other than the one he's run for the past three years (Miramax). I'm sure The Walt Disney Company really appreciated him giving a shoutout to a rival studio.

A decent, if not predictable, show. We'll try again in 365 days.

Jesus Christ...FINALLY

In what I consider to be possibly the greatest upset victory in history, #2 Tennessee defeated #1 Memphis today. "And why," you ask, "is this the greatest upset in history?" Because it knocks the fucking University of Memphis out of the top spot.

The sad part about this is that they got beat by the #2 team, which means they'll just switch places on Monday. Which is a shame, since Memphis doesn't even deserve to be in the Top 25.

Yeah, you heard me: Memphis doesn't deserve to be a ranked team. They play in an absolute joke of a conference. When Louisville, Cincinnati, Marquette, DePaul, and South Florida all left for the Big East three years ago, every other team that had any basketball ability also moved out. A whole conference worth of filler moved in, and, suddenly, Memphis was the best team in a really bad conference.

Did you happen to notice that, before three years ago, Memphis was never ranked? (The same could be said of Marquette, but they actually moved into a good conference, probably the toughest conference in basketball. They really do deserve their rank.) Last year, Memphis ran the table in its conference games. Is that really a surprise when you're playing SMU, Rice, and East Carolina twice a season? Same deal this year, except that they just happened to be undefeated when they went into their conference games. Hence, the #1 rank, because...hey, undefeated team.

I'll admit that Memphis' non-conference schedule (the Tennessee game included) was tough. Their athletic director must be insane, because no one makes a non-conference schedule that tough. But, I guess when you know that you aren't going to have any challenge whatsoever in your conference games, you need to make it at least look like you're trying to be competitive. In fact, their RPI rank is a miraculous #2, solely because of their non-conference games.

But, still...

Do sports writers not have access to Memphis' schedule? Do they just look at their record and go, "Wow: undefeated. That gets my vote!" Are all sports writers located in Memphis, and this is how they root for the home team?

Maybe we'll get lucky, and everyone will go, "Hey, look what happens when Memphis plays a tough team. They lose!" and (not) vote them right out of the Top 25.

I doubt it, but one can always hope.

Law & Order Officially Ruined

Yesterday, it was announced that Jesse Martin, who has played Det. Ed Greene on Law & Order for nine years, was leaving the show. Martin has one more episode to film before his tenure is over.

Now, if you watch Law & Order, actors leaving the show is no big thing, as it happens all the time. Every actor that started on the show 18 years ago has moved on. (In fact, two of them, Dann Florek and Chris Noth, play the same characters they did on Law & Order on different shows now.) Only a handful have made it past the five-year mark. So, actors departing the show really doesn't bust me up that much.

No, what really busts my balls about this is that they're apparently replacing Martin with Anthony Anderson, my most hated of all actors. (And, apparently, Fox is about to cancel K-Ville.)

Now, I'll admit that Anderson was watchable, even enjoyable, in his two season guest stint on The Shield. But that's it. Every other performance has made me cringe. I've even shied away from movies and shows due to Anderson's presence in them. And now he's a regular on one of my favorite shows. Great!

Maybe he'll be able to dial down his annoyance factor enough for me to continue to enjoy the show. I seriously doubt it, but, Law & Order is one of my Shows; I'll watch regardless of quality.

So, check it out when Law & Order begins the Anthony Anderson Era this spring. Oh, and be sure to check out Anderson in Gobots: The Movie, coming to a theatre near you July 25th. I'm sure he'll be just as annoying in that Transforming Robot Movie as he was in Transformers.

(Praise be to Jesus for the Gobots poster.)

I Have A New Hero

The other day, I was on Fox.com, watching what turned out to be the Season Three finale of Prison Break (which really needed about six more episodes). Just on a lark, I was flipping through the rest of their on-demand shows, and noticed that they offered Kitchen Nightmares, Gordon Ramsay's latest shoutathon. I had never seen this show before, or his other show, Hell's Kitchen, but I remembered a couple of guys on the radio a while back saying that it was the greatest show on TV. So, I decided to watch an episode.

And they were right. This may be the best show on TV. Not because it's a good show, as I'm loathe to call any reality show "good," but because it's ant-/protagonist, Gordon Ramsay, may be one of the greatest people to ever have a TV show.

I would love to be like Ramsay. Here's a guy with a dozen successful restaurants around the world. He's been awarded numerous stars by the Michelin Guide, including three for his flagship restaurant in London. He regularly has a restaurant make the Best Restaurants in the World List. He was even made an Officer of the British Empire for his contributions to the UK hospitality industry.

He also happens to be one of the meanest bastards I've ever seen.

And that's the great thing about the show and what inspires my wanting to be him. Obviously, Ramsay is great at what he does. He's one of the best restaurateurs in the world. So it's great to see him go into a floundering Mom-and-Pop joint and tell them that they know fuck all about running a restaurant, with every other word being "fuck." Ramsay actually wants to help these people be better, going as far as redesigning their restaurants and coming up with new menu items. But the fact he completely tears these people down before building them back up is what makes him great. Break 'em before you make 'em, I always say.

I wish there was something that I was so good at that I could completely trash anyone and not be speaking out of line. Who doesn't want that?

Since it's currently between seasons, you'll have to go to Fox.com to check it out, but it's well worth it. I watched half the season in one sitting.

Oh, and while you're there, why not watch those episodes of the apparently-canceled K-Ville that you might've missed. You know you love Anthony Anderson.

Admit it.

Sony Finally Wins A Format War

Sony always seems to find themselves embroiled in some sort of format war. In the neverending quest to make money, rather than just go with the flow and attempt to perfect already existing technology, they insist on "innovating" their own technology. This has never worked.

They were on the losing side of VHS v. Beta. Their MiniDisc got killed by CDs. The rest of the world uses the MP3 encoding format, while Sony insists on using ATRAC. The only people who use their Memory Stick flash memory are those dumb enough to have purchased a Sony product that requires them (Hello, PSP owners!). The only format which they were able to dominate with was Hi8, only because no one made a comparable product. But even Hi8 has almost been run out of town by MiniDV, which isn't even the same technology, but when was the last time you saw someone rockin' the Hi8?

And it all appeared to be happening once again when Toshiba decided to come out against Sony's Blu-ray in HD video with the HD DVD. The HD DVD was cheaper to produce, the players were cheaper, and the format got to market first. It appeared as though Sony was going to lose again.

But then Sony did the smartest thing they've done in a long time: they included a Blu-ray player with the PS3, essentially flooding homes with their disc's player. Although stand-alone HD DVD players outsold Blu-ray players, it couldn't compete with the fact that everyone that owned a PS3 (seven million and counting) has a Blu-ray player in their home.

A real backbreaker came when Warner Bros., the world's largest video distributor and the only major distributor to back both formats, claimed it would distribute only in Blu-ray going forward. The largest retail and rental chains (Wal-Mart and Blockbuster, respectively) had already made this switch. Things were looking even better for Sony.

And then Toshiba dropped their cards on the table, and came out with the announcement that they were no longer going to produce the HD DVD player, a machine they had invented to play their format. Paramount, which was distributing in solely in HD DVD, immediately switched sides. Microsoft, an HD DVD supporter from Day One, stopped production of their HD DVD player add-on for the Xbox 360.

Roughly, within one week, HD DVD was essentially dead (although it still roams the earth in zombie form). Sony wins by default.

Congrats, Sony; well done. Now that you've got this one sewn up, you should probably get to developing that next format that's going to be a laughingstock in five years. You're so good at it. I know you can do it.

It Was Only A Matter Of Time

In regards to Lindsay Lohan, I think there's always been a definite set of inevitabilities for her: that (a) we would see her naked, or (b) we would see her dead. Luckily for us, (a) happened before (b) (which is great, since I'm not that into dead chicks).

For no reason, other than her career being over, Lindsay has decided to appear in various, mostly naked, states of undress in New York magazine, in a recreation of Marilyn Monroe's final photoshoot. (Maybe there's some foreshadowing here; maybe option (b) is closer than we think.)

I don't understand why they'd pick Lindsay for this, as she really doesn't look anything like Marilyn, and Marilyn was pretty and Lindsay is...not, but, hey: Lindsay Lohan naked.

So, you might as well get it over with, and head over to New York magazine and check it out.

Now that we've got Lindsay's tits out of the way, maybe we can get on with writing her out of the cultural lexicon, so we can see how this Britney Spears thing plays out.

I'm hoping for the worst.

The NBA All-Star Game

I really didn't watch that much of the NBA All-Star Game, as I switched it off to be disappointed by the Knight Rider movie (which was terrible), but here's a couple of comments on what I did see.

-When did the player introductions become a Cirque du Soleil production number? The last time I actually sat down and watched an All-Star Game was 1989, and the players just trotted out on the floor when their names where announced. It about as elaborate as the visiting team introductions of any given NBA game. I guess some things have changed since then.

-And, speaking of changes, when did they move tip-off to 8:00 pm? This thing used to be on, like, 4:00 in the afternoon. Again, with the changes.

-As you can see from the picture above, this year's game featured the most confusing uniforms of all time. (Kidd and Iverson were not on the same team.) They were only colored on one side, but it was the opposide side on both uniforms, so you could only tell they were on different teams when the East players were facing you and the West players had their backs to you. The other way around, they appeared to be on the same team. I'm so confused, I may still be wrong on that.

-It was nice of Kobe to clock in his three minutes before sitting on the bench for the remaining 45. No, his finger injury isn't that serious. Not at all.

-Speaking of Kobe, when The Girl found out he was playing, she said, "What's he doing there? How's my team going to win now?" (Girl's a big Wade fan.) Turns out, she needn't have worried.

-While I appreciate the NBA and Harry Connick Jr's attempt to enlighten us on the New Orleans jazz scene, can't we do better than that for a half-time show? Do I really need to haul this out again to show the potential of a half-time show? Apparently, I do.

Really, not a great All-Star Game. As I mentioned earlier, it'd been 19 years since that last one I watched, and, if they're all like this, it'll be another 19 before I watch another.

Bravo, NBA, for knowing how to disappoint.

Last Five Movies

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)
I've seen the movie Poltergeist a hundred times, but I think I've seen it all the way through maybe twice. Same thing with this movie. Until this viewing, I had never seen the first 45 minutes, yet I've seen the rest several hundred times. I was hoping to finally see the infamous failed stunt which killed Vic Morrow and two children, but they cleverly edited that out of the movie.

I wonder why.

The Amateurs (2005)
Or How to Make a Porno With No Porn. The only reason I picked this up was because it appeared to have a fairly entertaining B-list cast. And, speaking of which...do you remember when Jeff Bridges used to have a better career than Beau Bridges? Those were the days.

Return to Horror High (1987)
Nothing entertains me more than watching movies from the pre-E.R. filmography of George Clooney. And I mean the E.R. that's still on TV, not the sitcom with Elliot Gould that he was also in.

Employee of the Year (2007)
I still hold the same opinion of this movie now as when I first saw it: that the screenplay cheats and forces us to root for the wrong guy. Dane Cook's character is a shitbag who wants to be employee of the month so he can sleep with Jessica Simpson. Dax Shepard's character wants to be employee of the month because...he likes being employee of the month. And any movie that makes us root for Dane Cook is inherently wrong.

An odd choice, but the best I've seen...

In Bruges (2008)
The goofiest movie so far this year. It's also probably the funniest movie so far. It's nice to see Colin Farrell speak in his actual voice, as opposed to that Sonny Crockett voice he uses in all his American films. I'd never really thought of him as a funny guy (or any of the actors in this movie, for that matter), but he pulls it off. And I believe this movie will do more for Belgian tourism than anything their Department of Tourism can come up with. I know I can't wait to go.

Good flick; check it out. (BTW: Worst...Poster...Ever.)

Clemens Is Screwed

If you've been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks, it'll come as a surprise to you that Roger Clemens may have irreparably fucked up his legacy as one of baseball's greatest pitchers. Not that you couldn't have seen it coming from miles away...

It all started, well, when Clemens, at age 36, became the best pitcher in baseball. Everyone wondered how a guy, who was on his way downhill in Boston, goes to Toronto and is better than he was 10 years before.

And then, the most hated man in the history of baseball, Jose Canseco, put out that book that named Clemens as an avid steroid user. Suddenly, baseball became very concerned about steroids. This, and Game of Shadows, the book about Barry Bonds' alleged steroid usage, led Commissioner Bud Selig to authorize an investigation by George Mitchell into steroids.

The Mitchell Report came out, and the biggest surprise in there? Roger Clemens. Clemens, of course, was quickly on the defensive, claiming that he was innocent and that any incriminating evidence listed in the Mitchell Report was all lies.

Which leads us today's debacle, of Clemens going in front of a Congressional hearing and acting like a complete moron, much like Palmeiro, McGwire, and Sosa before him. Even after his former teammates and friends throw him directly under the bus while admitting to their own steroid usage, Clemens still claims he's completely innocent. Seriously, when Chuck Knoblauch's rambling stories about his own inability to throw to first make people believe Clemens is guilty, he's probably guilty.

Which brings me to the bigger question: What exactly did Bud Selig hope to accomplish with this? When the whole Bonds thing came out and then Canseco's book, I could see him wanting to keep this thing from snowballing. So he instituted the drug policy and the drug testing, which led to him actually finding steroid users. And then he commissions the Mitchell Report to see what else he can ferret out.

But I don't think he expected that this is what they would find. (Or maybe he did, if you believe what John Rocker says.) I don't think he knew that Mitchell would find guys like Brian McNamee and Kirk Radomski, who could corroboratively link known steroid users (like Jason Grimsley) to unknown steroid users (like Clemens and Pettite, a claim which was later proven to be false, but actually appears to be true). That McNamee would take sports memorabilia collecting to a new level, and keep steroid-laced DNA samples of the players he'd injected. And I don't think he suspected these players, once they're called on it, would actually come out and admit to using steroids. I think what Selig saw as a measure to assuage public outcry on the whole steroid thing showed him that, like it or not, a lot of great players in the past 10 years might have gotten that way from using steroids.

Everyone, that is, except for The Rocket, who's as clean as new snow on this one.

Sure.

Finally

After three months, the Writers Strike is finally over. Not that it means anything for our TV watching habits. Even if every show resumes production tomorrow, it will be at least sometime in March, maybe April, before we see any new shows. Some shows, like Heroes and 24, won't even be back until next season. Others, like Bionic Woman, won't come back at all. And I suspect there won't be a lot of pilots for new shows this fall. So, be prepared for even more reality shows (except for Fox, which couldn't fit more reality shows in its schedule unless it extended its programming to more than two hours a night).

All this so these "starving" writers could get a $1400 check for the next two years.

Yeah: fucking TV up for the next six months, that was worth it.

Who Knew?

So, the Grammys were last night. The big shocker of the evening (other than the fact that Amy Winehouse was still alive to attend the ceremony live via satellite) was that Herbie Hancock won the biggest award of the night, the Album of the Year Grammy. It was one of two Grammys Hancock won last night, the other being Best Jazz Album.

Up until this point in time, I guess I realized that Herbie Hancock wasn't dead, but what I didn't realize is that he was still a vital and important musician. I mean, can you name any other Hancock song that isn't "Rockit"? (And if you can, I'm going to stab you in the throat for making shit up.) I also didn't realize that the two Grammys he won last night were the 11th and 12th of his career (and yes, one of those was for "Rockit"). Who knew?

Maybe it's me, but I think it's odd that an album of Joni Mitchell covers would win Best Album. I know the new Foo Fighters record isn't that good, but...seriously?

Stranger things have happened, I suppose. Jethro Tull did beat out Metallica that one time for the Best Heavy Metal Grammy. I guess having the word "metal" in your band's name counts for nothing in that category.

"You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat," He Says

Just wanted to mention the myeloma-related death of Roy Scheider. He was 75.

And, not to beat a literally dead horse, but this is another example of a guy whose passing will be greatly overlooked. Here's a guy who was in the business for 50 years, was the star in one of the highest-grossing movies of all time (a movie that everyone has seen), uttered the immortal line which I co-opted as my post title, yet he might get a page-length writeup in any of next week's magazines. Might.

Heath Ledger, on the other hand...well, I don't remember exactly when he died, but he's still on the front page of every tabloid this week.

As for Scheider's career, I'm a fan of Jaws, just like everybody else. I also enjoyed him as Bob Fosse's doppleganger in All That Jazz and his goofy turn as Dr. Benway in Naked Lunch.

Yet another one of the great old-timers bites the dust. He'll be missed.

Shaq Can Grab Nash's Ass Every Day Now, If He Wants

A couple of days ago, I posted on the Lakers getting Pau Gasol as a possible replacement for that "thing" they've been missing since they lost Shaq. The Miami Heat found it when they actually got Shaq and won a championship. Well, turns out, the Heat, who are really awful this year, no longer have Shaq. He's a Phoenix Sun now.

Shaq has been traded to the Suns for disgruntled forward Shawn Marion and a player to be named later (who is actually Marcus Banks, but like he's ever gonna play).

This is actually a really great deal for the Heat. They get a pretty versatile big man in exchange for the seat on the bench that Shaq's fat ass has been occupying since the onset of his latest injury. It's a good deal for Marion as well, as he instantly moves in as option #2 in an offense that pretty much just has that one option. (Wade's my boy, but he's not Kobe or Iverson; he's just not good enough to will a team into being good.)

As for the Suns...their fast-paced offense gets the 340 lb anchor that is Shaquille O'Neal. Remember in Aiplane!, when Kareem tells that kid to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes? Steve Nash will be saying something similar to this when he's asked why the Suns are suddenly running the "water torture" offense. Luckily for them, Shaq is still injured, so his lumbering presence won't be felt until at least next week.

Honestly, I don't know what the Suns thought they were getting. Maybe they don't realize it's 2008 and think they're getting the svelte Shaq that used to hustle down the court in Orlando. Maybe they think they're good enough that they can overcome the fact that Shaq may not cross halfcourt by the time they score (ironically, much the way Kareem did in his later years). Maybe they just got so tired of Marion bitching about his role that, "hell, if we could get Shaq for him, that might not be a total bust."

Regardless of how it turns out, whether the Heat improve or not, whether the Suns slow down or not, a lot of people are going to be watching Shaq. Either Suns' new President Steve Kerr will be hailed as a genius for bringing Shaq to Phoenix, or be run out on a rail as the guy that saddled the Suns with that behemoth.

I suspect the "genius" calls will be held in check.

Heath Who?

My friend Jesus brought up something interesting in the comments of this post about Heath Ledger's death. That, unless you're a big Ledger fan (and how can you not be), most people really can't name any movies they've seen with Ledger in them. I've seen two, and only remembered them when I looked him up on IMDB. But I watch a lot of movies, and when you watch 5-10 movies a week, you're bound to see one on accident. The Girl couldn't remember any she'd seen until I told which ones she'd seen.

And yet this guy's getting comparisons to James Dean in his cultural significance. This for a guy who, even though people can name some of his movies, I don't think a lot of people have seen (or will admit to, as he did star in Brokeback Mountain). Just for the sake of comparison, let's look at another actor.

I'm willing to bet that every man, woman, and child living in the U.S. has seen a Darren McGavin movie, THE Darren McGavin movie, if you will. I know they have. Yet I'd also be willing to bet that most people have no idea who he is or that he is currently dead. Or, take, for example, Christopher Lee, who, when he dies, probably won't get 24 hr coverage on CNN or a front page writeup in People, even though he's starred in about 150 movies.

Yet, here's a kid who's been in about 10 movies, who died of a prescription narcotic overdose, that they're just treating like he was the greatest actor ever. (And they throw Brad Renfro, who was the same age and died the same way a couple days before Heath, right out with the trash.) But, that's the media for ya: they pick and choose their darlings. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have contributed absolutely nothing to society in about five years, yet they might as well rename People and Us Weekly to Britney and Lindsay for the amount of coverage they get. A young, attractive guy like Ledger will get more coverage than the death of a President, but a prolific, respected guy like Christopher Lee might get a blurb in the obits, because, well, he's 85 and looks like Dracula.

All this complaining will be for naught when The Dark Knight comes out, because everyone will see that. Then people will actually be able to name that Heath Ledger movie they've seen.

His legacy lives on.

Hannah Montana Rules The World

Apparently, Hannah Montana is popular. I wouldn't know, as I've never seen her show, because I'm 34 and a) it has no appeal to me, and b) it's illegal for me to even look at Miley Cyrus. But my abstinence from the whole Hannah Montana phenomena didn't stop everyone else from making her Best of Both Worlds concert movie from becoming a record-setting box office smash.

The movie won the weekend's box office with a $31 million take. It became the biggest opener on a Super Bowl weekend. On 683 screens, it opened at #1 on the fewest screens ever. At $45 thousand per screen, it set a record for per screen average for a wide release movie. And, as it's a 3-D movie, it had the 2nd largest opening for a 3-D movie ever (Spy Kids 3 is #1) and is already the 8th highest-grossing 3-D movie ever.

It's no surprise this movie is a hit, as it's a movified version of her "Best of Both Worlds" tour, which sold out every show and tickets drew astronomical scalper prices. Who wouldn't pay $10 to see something they didn't get a chance to pay $100 to see?

Unfortunately, this movie, which could dominate the upcoming weekend's weak openings as well, is short-lived. You've only got until Thursday to see it, as they've chosen to just release it for seven days. So, a movie that could easily make $100 million if they opened it to 2000 screens for a month is happy just making, like, $40 million in seven days.

I appreciate the long-time Disney strategy of "catch it before it's gone!", but, this is Hollywood. Isn't the object to make as much money as possible?

Oh well. I'm sure Disney is happy to make that much money on this deal, seeing as Miley Cyrus is about two years away from pulling a Lizzie McGuire, and forcing them to find some other 13 year-old girl to be the Next Big Thing.

Eli Manning Is Going To Disney World

Some random thoughts on the Super Bowl:

-Too bad 18-1 doesn't count as a perfect season. I don't think anyone will ever do it again, but "perfect" means no losses.

-Plaxico Burress, who completely destroyed the Packers to get to the Super Bowl, is shut down for two catches. Luckily, one of them was the game-winning touchdown.

-On the losing team, Wes Welker caught a record-tying 11 passes to cap off a season that would have put him in the Pro Bowl if he didn't play on the same team as Randy Moss. I know: "Wes Who?"

-I saw a graphic that claimed that the Patriots had the 2nd fewest yards of offense at halftime in Super Bowl history. Number one on that list? The '85 Pats team that got smoked by the Super Bears.

-In a completely ridiculous move, the NFL puts one second back on the game clock and forces the Giants to run one last play. Bill Belichick is already in the locker room. Nice.

-While it was nice to see the NFL haul Doug Williams out of mothballs to present the Lombardi Trophy, I'm not sure I understand exactly why they chose him. Was Phil Simms busy? He at least played for the Giants.

-I'm not sure what they paid the cast of Prison Break to stage a break in at the Super Bowl, but it was well worth it. T-Bag rules!

-Good slate of commercials this year. My favorite was the Bridgestone commercial with Alice Cooper and his snake in the road.

-Even though he's a better fit for the Super Bowl, Tom Petty was nowhere near as good as Prince was last year. I don't even think his guitar was plugged in. (Prince's sure was, and in a rain storm, to boot.)

-This was the most-watched Super Bowl ever. In fact, so many people watched it that it's become the 2nd most-watched program ever, behind the series finale of M*A*S*H. Maybe the Patriots and Giants should play in every Super Bowl.

Overall, one of the better Super Bowls in a while. It was a letdown not to see the perfect season come to fruition, but I'm sure Tom Brady will get over it later tonight when Gisele disrobes for his sympathy fuck. And I'm sure the kids in Somalia prefer getting shirts claiming the Patriots won Super Bowl 42.

Maybe they won't get so lucky next year.

Lakers Finally Admit Kobe Is Useless

The LA Lakers made a bold move to improve their team on Friday, by trading for Memphis center/forward Pau Gasol. This trade will greatly strengthen the Lakers, as the Triangle offense depends upon having someone big who can score down low (and Kwame Brown or Andrew Bynum aren't those guys). And, I think it's the Lakers' way of finally saying that Kobe Bryant is completely useless to them winning any championships.

Kobe is probably the best player out there right now. Guy can beat you in so many ways. Last year, he had a string of four games where he didn't score any fewer than 50 points, and a couple of those were for 60+. Yet the Lakers only finished two games over .500. Kobe could average 60 points a game, and the Lakers would still suck. You take Kobe off that team and the Lakers might, might win two games, and that would only be if the other teams forfeited.

"But if Kobe is so great, why can't the Lakers win?" Because the Lakers got rid of what Kobe needed to win.

When Shaq was still with the Lakers, he and Kobe won three straight championships. When Shaq got exiled to Miami, he found a suitable Kobe substitute in Dwanye Wade and won another championship. The Lakers replaced Shaq with Chris Mihm, and haven't been past the first round of the playoffs since. Go back and look at when Kobe and Shaq still played together. Kobe + Shaq = wins. Kobe - Shaq = not wins.

Basically, it's impossible for one player to single-handedly drag his team to a championship. Not even the incredible Michael Jordan could win a championship until the rest of his team stepped up their games. (Look at his famous 63 point game against the Celtics for a perfect example of how not to win.) Jordan couldn't do it, Iverson couldn't do it, and Kobe can't do it. Every great team built around a superstar needs another player to pick up the slack. Kareem had Magic (who, in turn, had Worthy), Bird had McHale, Jordan had Pippen, Thomas had Dumars, and Shaq had...uh, Kobe.

Is Pau Gasol that guy? Well, considering the Lakers offense that won those championships consisted of a little guy throwing the ball to a big guy or vice versa, having a big guy that can actually score might just be what the Lakers need. Or, Kobe will continue to hog the ball and the Lakers will still suck.

We'll see how it pans out in the coming weeks.