Batman Next (Or Not)

What if I told you that Christopher Nolan, the writer and director of Batman Returns, has a new movie coming out, that stars Christian Bale and Michael Caine (also from Batman Returns), as well as X-Man Hugh Jackman? You'd probably say it was the sequel to Batman Returns, right? I'd say the same thing. And we'd be wrong.

No, Nolan's upcoming movie is something called The Prestige, about two competing magicians. One would think that, coming off the huge success of the Batman movie, if you got the cast and crew back together, you would just go ahead and make the sequel. It's like Gore Verbinski getting the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean back together to make Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. But, I guess Nolan wants to wait for the iron to get nice and cold before he strikes with another Batman movie. (And if the rumored casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker proves to be true, it may be a good thing that this sequel is years away. What's next: Jake Gyllenhaal as Penguin? Orlando Bloom as the Riddler? This can only get worse.)

Oh well. Maybe The Prestige will be decent enough to tide us over until Batman returns. Check out the trailer (or don't, if you're spoiler wary, since it gives away the apparent plot twist) if you're interested. I know I'm not.

The Best Thing About Superman Returns

Watched the original Superman the other night. I still stand by the fact that it's only the 2nd best of the original four movies, although it's still better than Superman Returns for the fact that there is actually some interplay between Lois and Superman.

But it did make me realize something else about Superman Returns. Bryan Singer, the writer and director, did something very smart that most superhero movies (that aren't sequels) fail to do: he assumes we know who Superman is.

When you start a series of superhero movies, invariably, the first movie in the series is basically the setup for the sequels. This is the "origin" movie, where the history of the superhero is given. They all start this way. They have to, because most people don't know anything about the characters, and you have to tell them what the deal is. (Comic book fans usually hate this first movie, because this is where the screenwriters tend to fuck up their beloved characters.)

But Superman Returns is different. It doesn't start out on Krypton with Jor-El sending Kal-El to Earth, or young Clark growing up in Smallville, or any of the classic Superman origin bits. Here, Superman is already an established character, Clark already works at the Daily Planet, and Superman already has a relationship with Lois Lane (in more ways than one). And because of this, there's no need to waste screen time telling the story of Superman, because the movie already assumes we know everything about Superman.

This setup also circumvents the problems of "retconning," where writers rewrite history by changing the details of an established character's origins. Batman Begins had Bruce Wayne meeting Ra's Al Ghul first thing, while, in the comics, he didn't show up until much, much later. The Hulk gave Bruce Banner a Hulk-like father. Fantastic Four gave Dr. Doom some ridiculous powers and mutations, and Spiderman was actually able to generate webbing, something he did through artificial means in the comics. It drives long-time fans of the characters nuts.

(The comics make these same mistakes as well. At one time, there were two Supermen, Superboy, Supergirl, Superdog, and the inhabitants of the miniature Kryptonian city of Kandor. They were all "disappeared" 20 years ago, in order to make Superman the sole survivor from Krypton, only to reappear a month or so ago. This shit actually happens all the time.)

But Superman Returns foregoes all of that character exposition, and gives us a good, old-fashioned Superman story. It's the ultimate fanboy movie. Too bad it was mostly not very good.

Comedy Central Makes Good

It's been a good two weeks for South Park. First, the "Trapped in the Closet" episode was nominated for an Emmy, which, in and of itself, may be the greatest thing the TV Academy has ever done. And now, Comedy Central has announced that they will air, for only the second time ever, that same episode this Wednesday.

This is a great time to do this, as it gives Emmy voters another chance to see this brilliant episode, and it throws a big "Fuck You" in the face of Tom Cruise and his "religion." (Yeah, sure he had a child. Sure.)

Tune in. You'll have a great time.

Leaving Las Vegas

A couple of things I learned during my most recent trip to Las Vegas:

-Treasure Island (and I refuse to call it T.I.) has totally lost all of its charm since it ditched all of the skulls and bones to become more upscale. And that's bullshit.

-And, speaking of which, while most of the resorts in Vegas are now attempting to abandon their once-ridiculous ways in order to become more "refined," Caesar's Palace just gets more preposterous. Here's the new foyer to their shopping mall:

Here's the Victoria's Secret in that same mall:

It's good to see that someone thinks that "flashy" is still good.

-I thought Anne Ramsey was dead, but, sure as shit, there she was, working in the box office at Harrah's. No signs of Sloth, Chunk, or the rest of the Goonies Gang.

-Las Vegas now has more nightclubs than every other city combined. "That was a bathroom last time we were here. Now it's a club." The ratio of clubs to Starbucks is now 2:1.

-Taking your style cues from any of the Gotti kids is a bad, bad, bad idea.

-Fernando Vargas is short.

-"I hate this airport. What kind of respectable airport doesn't have a McDonald's?" Apparently, Vegas' McCarran Airport, which makes due with two Wolfgang Puck restaurants. What a shithole.

-The pigeons in Vegas are black. No shit:


-Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill is very un-country and western. It's more Chateaubriand than country-fried steak.

-The bottle-flipping bartenders at Harrah's make Tom Cruise look like the fag he is.

-I'm not sure what Steve Wynn paid to build Wynn Las Vegas, but I'm pretty sure you could have paid off at least half of the national debt with that same money.

-If you want to stay at the Hard Rock Hotel, be prepared to be isolated from anything resembling civilization.

-"Greg" is not as common of a name as I thought.

-The Hooters Hotel and Casino contains more orange and laminated hardwood than I thought it would, if that's possible.

-Louis Vuitton is expensive.

-The Boardwalk, the one of the last "crap"sinos on The Strip, is gone:

It will almost assuredly be replaced by some anonymous mega-resort, which are now a dime a dozen.

-The new Cirque du Soleil show, The Beatles LOVE, is outstanding. It doesn't have as much of the spectacular acrobatics as the other shows, but they don't feature two hours worth of Beatles music. Worth every penny.

-Surprisingly, the waitresses at Gilley's wear the skimpiest outfits on The Strip. If Gilley's had the bartenders from Harrah's, it would be the Greatest Bar in the World.

-The Beyonce mannequin at Madame Tussauds is good times. I'm thinking of getting one for the house.

-The billboards outside the new Trump Tower claim 64 floors. I counted about 15.

-Sephora is a great place to freshen up after a long day's walk. I know, technically, it's stealing, but they wouldn't leave the testers out if they didn't want you to use them.

-I won $5.50 on the stupidest sports bet in history.

-And if one more person tries to sell me a fucking timeshare, I'm going to kill someone.

Great time; can't wait to go back

And The Nominees Are...

The 2006 Emmy nominations are out. Some random thoughts:

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
This year, the Television Academy has gone to a new voting system. Instead of tabulating the ballots and giving the award to whomever has the most votes, now the Academy asks for a dozen or so nominees from every voter, and then the top 10 or so nominees receiving the most votes are judged by a separate committee that decides the winner based on actual performance. While this seems like a good thing, as it keeps the thing from becoming a popularity contest, it has apparently ruined the process, as it's the only reason I can explain how Charlie Sheen and Kevin James got nominated for their shitastic performances on their respective shows.

Choreography
Malcom in the Middle has choreography? Who knew?

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Special
Isn't it a little redundant that the Academy Awards got nominated for an Emmy?

Outstanding Comedy Series
I suppose it's too much to ask that none of the shows that aren't Arrested Development win this.

Outstanding Guest Actor/Actress in a Comedy Series
I'm glad to see they opened this category up to more than just those who had guested on Will & Grace. That being said, anyone who guested on Extras would be a suitable winner.

Outstanding Drama Series
Uhh, where's Lost? And why, in its place, is The Sopranos, which fielded 12 of the worst episodes of TV I've ever seen? (That show has been steadily going downhill since Livia died.)

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
This should be a slamdunk for Denis Leary, which is code for "Chris Meloni will win." And who knew Six Feet Under was still on?

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Yet again, we've got someone from Arrested Development (Will Arnett this time) and Jeremy Piven, both of whom equally deserve to win. That being said, the super-gay guy from Will & Grace will win.

Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
Uhh, Rescue Me? Anyone?

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
In the three years it was on the air, Arrested Development was nominated for this five times. It's two for two on wins. Yet Fox didn't think that was good enough to keep it on the air. Let's give it to them a third time, and show Fox that, yes, they did cancel the funniest show on TV and should be killed.

In The News

It was a fairly busy news day, so I thought I'd comment on some of the stories I saw on CNN while eating lunch today.

-Kenneth Lay, the former Chairman and chief architect of the collapse of Enron, died today at 64 from an apparent heart attack, just a month after being found guilty of defrauding thousands of people of millions of dollars.

Honestly, this is the Best Case scenario for Lay. Let's see: spend the next 20-30 years in jail, or drop dead. Hmmmm. I wouldn't be surprised if they found about five gallons of Drano in Lay during the autopsy. Oh, and fuck you, Skilling; you just got this whole rap dumped on your head.

-North Korea conducted seven long-range missile tests, much to the chagrin of the rest of the planet.

N. Korea is funny. Here's a country where, like, 90% of the population lives in poverty with no electricity, yet here their government is, conducting billions of dollars worth of ICBM tests. And, to think: their neighbors to the south chose to develop their economy rather than their military. Stupid South Koreans!

-Atlantic City, due to a New Jersey budgetary crisis, which has caused the state to lay off all of their gambling inspectors, closed all of its casinos. Apparently, the casinos aren't allowed to operate if there are no inspectors available.

I don't know about you, but, if I'm the governor of New Jersey, I'm pulling out my personal checkbook and writing out whatever check it takes to balance this budget, because, quite honestly, there is no reason to be in New Jersey, other than to gamble in Atlantic City. I suspect people will begin moving out of the state very shortly.

-Bertelsmann Music Group, co-owner of Sony BMG, the world's second largest record company, is in talks with Sony to sell its 50% stake in the company to its co-owner.

With all of the shit that Sony has gone through in recent months, this is the last thing they need. "Yeah, we know you're hemorrhaging money trying to get the PS3 into the market, but we think we'd like to sell this record company to you. You can afford it, right?" If I'm Sir Howard Stringer, Sony's CEO, I'm putting a gun in my mouth.

Super-Bland Returns

I was pretty excited to see the new Superman movie, the first in almost two decades. And, being a fan of the previous Superman movies (well, the first two, at least), I hoped this one would be great. And, it kinda sorta is. (BTW, this entire thing is going to be spoilers, so stop reading if you don't want to know.)

The plot is irrelevant (and stupid to boot). What everyone wants to know is: Is it any good? Well, there's a lot of extremely cool shit to look at, like Superman catching an airplane before it crashes into a baseball game, or Superman flying right through a building to catch the globe falling from the top of the Daily Planet building. But, whenever Superman isn't doing anything super, the movie is just dead in the water. There's nothing going on to get us excited. Unlike the previous films (well, at least the first two), which built on a romance between Lois and Superman, this one keeps them apart, which doesn't do anything to keep us interested at all. (I found it somewhat funny and ironic that Lois is dating Cyclops from X-Men.) And the gripping conclusion has Superman in a coma. Wow. Exciting.

I also didn't care for the new Superman this movie introduced: Deadbeat Dad Superman. Previously, we've had Plainclothes Superman, who destroyed a hillbilly bar while disguised as Clark Kent, as well as Drunk-and-Horny Superman, who was mean and had a three-day old beard. Those iterations were humorous; Deadbeat Dad Superman isn't funny at all.

What is funny is Lex Luther's plot to create a new continent. I'm not the supergenius that Luther is, but this really didn't seem like a good or profitable idea to me, even though I'm only slightly less evil than Lex.

And I'm pretty sure that Brandon Rousch is a clone of Christopher Reeve, because, not only do they look the same, they sound the same too.

Sorry to say, but Superman Returns is not the return we had been hoping for. Maybe the inevitable sequel will be better.

HD Video Is Here

During a recent shopping trip out browsing at TVs, I saw the first HD-DVD player for sale. (This trip was somewhat ironic, as my TV would die days later. Good thing I went and looked.) Some thoughts:

-The thing is HUGE; like first-VCR-you-bought-in-1983 huge. There was a Sony DVD Walkman across the aisle that, player and screen included, was the size of a stack of three Reader's Digests. Yet this thing is about the size of a breadbox, which, well, isn't all that small, contrary to the old saying.

-At $499, they're priced to sell. I realize that $500 is still a lot, but for a next-generation piece of technology that been on the market for less than a month, that's still a good price. Conversely, the Samsung Blu-ray player that they had in stock, but none on display, is going for $999. (I think it's somewhat humiliating for Sony, which developed Blu-ray technology, to get beat to the market by a competitor, while their own player is still months away.) Blu-ray is, in many ways, superior to HD-DVD, but John Q. Moviewatcher really doesn't care about all that technical crap; they just want a player that doesn't cost $1000. (Another punch in the balls for Sony.)

-There is a great selection of movies for HD-DVD. They had a lot of good titles in stock just there, and Amazon.com has around 100 titles for sale. They had some Blu-ray movies too, and (surprise, surprise) they were the same movies (oh, and Underworld: Evolution) that Sony first offered for the PSP. So, 100 movies vs. five. Nice.

-Another thing about the movies that pisses me off: the cases are smaller. The cases are about a 1/4 inch thinner and an inch shorter than regular DVD cases. HD-DVD and Blu-ray discs are the same size as DVDs, yet we DVD users get stuck with these gimondo cases. What's the deal?

Right now, these players are too expensive for my frugal tastes, but, give it a couple of years; they'll be down to a couple hundred bucks, right in my price range.

Selling Out For Screech

As I've mentioned before, I'm not a big fan of ads on websites. But, a special story has broken my heart and caused me to make an exception. Yep, that's right: I'm giving up ad space to Screech.

As some of you may have heard, Dustin Diamond, who played lovable retard Screech on Saved by the Bell (and stayed with the show after Zach joined the NYPD, Jessie became a stripper, and Kelly got tits and moved to 90210), has come to have some problems with the house he owns in Port Washington, WI. Due to the property values in the PW going up, and Dustin's bad credit, he is now forced to come up $250,000 to keep his house. As Dustin is a d-list celebrity, $250,000 is not easy to come up with. So, he has decided to sell t-shirts, at $15 a pop, with an image of him holding a sign reading, "Save My House." For an extra $5, he'll even autograph it for you. It's a plea for help.

Why, you ask, have I chosen to throw my support behind such an obvious bit of whoredom? I felt no need to shell out money to Pete Rose to pay off his gambling debts. Nor have I felt the need to contribute to Suzanne Somers' or Chuck Norris' or any other celebrity's infomercial retirement funds. So, why this one? Because it's fucking Screech.

You have to give props to a guy who, I'm sure, in real life, is just a likeable average guy, yet, on TV, played one of the biggest mongoloid retards ever. And what has Screech ever done to you, other than make you glad that you weren't Screech? Plus, being a WI resident and having lived in Milwaukee, of which Port Washington is a suburb, for eight years, I feel a responsibility to help a statewide brother out.

So, if you're a Screech fan, or just feel like being charitable, go to GetDshirts.com, or click on the link under the "Dustin Diamond Edition" poll, and pick up your shirt. You'll feel better for it, and it will keep Screech close to you for years to come.

Don't Break A Hip, For Christ's Sake

Rented Firewall this weekend. It was formulaic, predictable, and not very good, which is basically what I expected. What I didn't expect was to see Harrison Ford doing almost all of his own stuntwork.

Ford is 64 years old, but there he is, falling off buildings, breaking through windows, and generally throwing his old ass all over the place. One doesn't expect to see someone as old as their grandfather getting the piss beat out of him. But, Ford does it. He breaks more wood with his body in just this one movie than Bruce Lee did in his entire career.

You'll never get me to admit that the guy is any kind of actor (unless you call playing the same role in every movie "acting"), but I'll give it to the guy that he's got balls for kicking the shit out of himself. Bravo, you old bastard; bravo. I just hope your Medicare covers any injuries you sustained.

How Not To Spend Your Advertising Budget

One of the things (probably the only thing) that has ever impressed me about MySpace is the fact that it's always been rather sparse on ads. There's the occasional banner ad, but, otherwise, no pop-ups, no Goooooogle search results; just a nice clean interface. Well, until today, at least.

Today, I log onto MySpace, and find this, quite possibly the biggest ad ever for Superman Returns. In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd think I'd stumbled onto the Superman Returns official website (which is actually not as flashy).
What's even more puzzling is why MySpace would feature advertising for Superman. MySpace is owned by News Corp., the parent of 20th Century Fox. Superman is a Warner Brothers movie. Why would a company, which also runs a movie studio, put a huge ad for a competitor's movie on the front page of its largest website? Apparently, that crazy Australian that runs News Corp. thinks it's a good idea. I, personally, might put up some ads for one of my company's own movies, like, say, The Devil Wears Prada, which opens on the same day as Superman, and probably needs all the ad help it can get. (I saw the trailer for this the other day, and I believe it was nothing more than the first four minutes of the actual film. That's some lazy editing.)

But, I guess this is why I'm not in charge of a multi-billion dollar corporation. I have some really stooopid ideas.

A Bad Omen

The Girl is a big Omen fan. As we've seen it a number of times, I've become a fan as well. Needless to say, it was pretty much preordained that we were going to see the Omen remake. And now, having seen it, maybe we shouldn't have.

As far as remakes go, this one is extremely faithful to the original. The producers, rather than write a new screenplay, just used the original screenplay. (This raises the question of, if you aren't going to try and bring something new or different to a movie, why bother remaking it?) There are scenes, even bits of dialogue, that are exactly the same as the original.

However, something gets lost in translation. This movie just doesn't have the creepy resonance of the original. It's too slickly made, much like every other horror made these days. Even though it's almost the exact same movie, it just isn't the same. (One change I did appreciate was the appearance of '80s Italian horror movie staple John Morghen.)

If you haven't seen the original, you might really enjoy this. If you have, don't bother; you're not going to see anything you haven't already seen.

LT & GP: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars

When was the last time you remember seeing a concert movie? Not a comedy concert movie (which, surprisingly, still turn up fairly regularly), but a musical concert movie. Possibly never, as I think the last concert movie shown in theatres was The Stones At the Max, and that only showed in IMAX theatres. And it's not as though there's not a lot of great ones out there, like Gimme Shelter, The Last Waltz, and (of course) Woodstock. They just don't get made anymore, and, unless they're fairly famous films (like the ones I listed), you probably haven't seen any. I personally have only seen two: Elvis' Aloha from Hawaii (which has a great soundtrack, even if Elvis kinda yada-yadas his way through "Johnny Be Good") and today's selection: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.

For those not in the know, Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders was the alias for David Bowie and his band. They toured under this name for two records: Ziggy Stardust and Aladdin Sane. The Ziggy Stardust movie is a filming of the last show of that tour, notable as not only being the last show, but the last time that Bowie and the band referred to themselves as Ziggy and the Spiders. (Bowie played with that lineup for two more records, but went back to being David Bowie. That terrible haircut remained, however.) Ten years after that show, Ziggy Stardust came out in theatres.

The film quality is terrible. This may have been taped on a camcorder. Plus, the lighting is almost non-existent. The music, however (the only reason to watch this, really), is great. Even non-fans will enjoy the lineup, which features plenty of Bowie hits. And speaking of hits, Bowie hits some all-time lows for costume choices; they're homosexual without being faggoty. There's even some really boring footage of Bowie sitting around backstage in his underwear, smoking cigarettes. (One such scene features Ringo Starr, of all people.)

All in all, a good watch; check it out.

The "Forrest Gump Of Baseball"

A couple of days ago, the Arizona Diamondbacks released pitched Jason Grimsley. This normally wouldn't be a big deal, as, in 17 seasons, he hasn't amounted to shit and deserves to get cut. Pretty much a non-news story.

Except for the fact that his Arizona home was raided the day before by federal agents carrying out a warrant to search Grimsley's residence for steroids. That is what makes this a big deal.

This all goes back to April, when Grimsley was busted by postal inspectors for receiving a shipment of illegal performance enhancement drugs. During his subsequent questioning by authorities, Grimsley laid out his entire history of steroid use and how he had been receiving shipments of the drugs for some time. More importantly, when asked if he knew anyone else who may be using the drugs, Grimsley named at least a dozen players and persons associated with Major League Baseball whom he knew to have used performance enhancing drugs. He even made recorded phonecalls to some of these people and discussed the drugs with them.

This all happened over a couple of weeks. Shortly thereafter, Grimsley stopped cooperating with authorities. They began working a case up against him, and, on Tuesday, they raided his home in hopes of finding more drugs.

Now, I've heard some people say that this will go nowhere, as Grimsley is a nobody, and everyone else in baseball who's been caught using steroids has gotten off fairly scot-free. But those players tested positive for steroids; they didn't get busted for actually possessing them, much less receiving multiple shipments. If the authorities (and these are federal authorities, btw) decide to prosecute this, Grimsley could go away for possession, maybe even trafficking. But I don't think the feds will go after that.

Grimsley has been in baseball for 17 years. He's played for seven different teams over the years, and has had close interaction with hundreds of players and personnel on those teams. He's been teammates with Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro, both admitted steroid users. He played with Sammy Sosa, who's been on the "watch list" for some time. He shares a trainer (which have been a long suspected source of performance drugs) with Albert Pujols. Grimley is to baseball's steroid problem as John Dean was to Watergate: He's the guy who's been everywhere and seen everything, and could bust this thing wide open. If pressured into turning state's evidence, Grimsley could implicate a number of players in the whole steroid brouhaha.

People who don't think this is a big deal need to consider that this Grimsley thing may be the best and worst thing to ever happen to baseball. It may put an end to the steroid problem, but it may destroy the whole sport in the process. We'll see how it pans out.

How Not To Carry The Titles Anyone Wants

Sometimes, I get in funny moods for movies. For example, if I'm jonesing for some Cannibal Movies, I'll fill up my Greencine queue with such shit as Cannibal Apocalypse and Jungle Holocaust, and I'll be all set. The other night, I needed a Matt Damon Spy Movie fix, which, well, basically encompasses two movies: The Bourne Identity and Supremacy. So, I went to the video store.

Being a movie buff, I tend to be picky about what video stores I frequent. I usually prefer the small chain or independant store to the "big box" ones like Blockbuster and Hollywood, not only because they tend to be cheaper, but they usually have a better selection of movies. (I will say, though, that no one, not even actual candy stores, can beat Blockbuster's candy and snack selection.) I chose to go to Family Video, a small chain store, which is big enough to have a decent supply of new releases, but small enough that they consciously stock a good selection of older movies in VHS and DVD. Plus, you get two-for-one on all "library" titles, which I figured the Bourne Movies would fall under.

That is, if they carried those movies. Yes, Family Video does not carry them. Not in the "New Releases," not in "Nearly New," not in "Favorites," not even in "Soon To Be Pitched Out." Oh sure, they have Dollman vs. Demonic Toys on VHS, and Dr. Jeckel & Ms. Hyde , the one where Tim Daly turns into Sean Young, but not a Bourne Movie to speak of. Actually, that's not true. They did have The Bourne Identity, but it was the Richard Chamberlain TV movie version; not what I'm looking for.

It's odd that not even a small video store would carry these. It's not like these are obscure little arthouse movies. The Bourne Movies made over $300 million in the States alone. And yet, Family Video doesn't carry them. So, I went to Premiere Video, an indie store, and, sure as shit, they did me right. In fact, they had four copies of each, on VHS and DVD.

I'm usually a fan of Big Business, but the little guy won out on this one, as they usually do in the video store biz.

What The Living Fuck

Everyone knows I hate "Greatest" lists. They are almost invariably wrong. In some of the
recent lists, I thought maybe I'd seen the nadir of "Greatest" lists.

But now, a British website and magazine has come up with The Worst "Greatest" List in the History of the World. They have come up with The Greatest 100 Albums Ever. The list was compiled from a poll of 40,000 people, just by asking them what the best album ever was. Go take a look and come on back, because you know I have to comment on this.

Done? Here goes:

-Radiohead is not even a good band, yet have two spots in the top 10. You people are totally fucking mental.

-Sgt. Pepper's isn't even the best Beatles album, much less the #2 ever.

-The words "Spice Girls" and "greatest" should not even be mentioned in the same paragraph, unless you're talking about how the Spice Girls are the greatest pieces of shit ever.

-If you prefer The Libertines' Up the Bracket to Bowie's Hunky Dory, you must also prefer asphyxiation to breathing, and I will oblige by choking you to death.

-Why is it that people who vote in these things prefer Sign o' the Times to Purple Rain? Apparently, because they're idiots.

-I'm amused to see Appetite for Destruction and Come On Over on the list. I'm fucking dying of laughter to see Ray of Light.

-Oasis definitely (no maybe about it) didn't make the greatest album ever. I'll give it up that they're a decent band, but no way is that record better than (just to use albums in the top 10) Revolver, Dark Side, or Nevermind.

As always, an insanely disappointing list. Like the saying goes: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Paul Gleason, 1944-2006

Just wanted to mention, in passing, the death of Paul Gleason. While the name may not be familiar, if you came of age in the '80s, you totally know who he is.

Paul was most famous for his role as Principle Vernon in The Breakfast Club, one of the Greatest Dipshit Roles Ever. That character was so great, he reprised the role 15 years later in Not Another Teen Movie. It's awesome when you're so good in just one role, that whenever you show up in a movie, people expect you to be nothing but that one guy.

See ya, Paul; we'll miss you. And remember: "Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns."

When A Stranger Calls Yet Again

Everyone remembers When a Stranger Calls. You remember it because it has one of the greatest setups in the history of movies. A woman is babysitting some kids. The phone rings. The "stranger" on the other end asks, "Have you checked the children?" The shaken babysitter hangs up and goes to check the children. They're fine. The caller keeps calling, each time asking, "Have you checked the children?" The babysitter becomes so upset that she calls the police. They tell her that they can put a trace on her line, so when the stranger calls back, they can find out where he is and round him up. The stranger does call back, and asks his question. The babysitter hangs up, and the phone rings again, only this time, it's not the stranger; it's the police, with this ominous message: "We've traced the calls...they're coming from inside the house!!" Pan to the door of the kids' room upstairs, and the screaming starts.

Great setup, and one that everyone remembers. You don't even need to have seen the movie, and you know that setup. What most people don't realize is that that whole setup is only the first 10 minutes of the movie. Ask anyone what When a Stranger Calls is about, and they will recount the description I gave in the first paragraph. But that's not what it's about; that's only the setup. The rest of the movie is actually about the babysitter getting on with her life (the kids die, BTW), and about the killer thinking about the babysitter. But no one remembers that. In fact, the rest of the movie is so shitty, that I think most people just suppress the rest of the movie from their memories after those first 10 minutes.

Since all movies ever made are eventually remade or sequelized, it was only a matter of time before When a Stranger Calls' number was up. (It's already been sequelized as When a Stranger Calls Back.) And, apparently, the producers of this remake only remember those first 10 minutes, as they've made a 90 minute movie out of that 10 minute setup. But, what works as a 10 minute prologue just doesn't work as a 90 minute feature.

Basically, what you've got here is a girl babysitting for two kids in an oddball house that would make Frank Lloyd Wright jealous. It has a Japanese garden inside the house, with a sprinkler system that goes off at inappropriate times, lights that go on or off when you enter or exit a room, and a refrigerator ice machine that makes more noise than an avalanche. It's also full of every cliche known to Horror Movies: the "cat in the closet", the "oh-it's-not-the-killer phonecall", the "non-starting car", and the "pop-in by a friend"; all terrible things to experience when you're expecting a killer to maybe show up.

Amongst these plentiful cliches, we have the stranger calling. He's more of a prank caller in this one. In fact, the movie is half over before he utters the famous line: "Have you checked the children?" (After he said it, The Girl said, "Wow, it only took him 50 minutes to say that.") And then he never says it again. Actually, I'm glad he did eventually say it, because there's really no mention of the children before then, or after then, until the end.

The cops are eventually called, and they put a trace on the line, but they never get to utter the other famous line, because the killer just shows up, and decides to kill everyone before the police can even trace the call. So, what we end up with is just another dumb Chase Movie, although the killer never moves faster than a walk. Not that it was an intelligent Chase Movie up to that point; it was just the babysitter running from cliche to cliche by herself.

And the biggest bullshit in this movie? The kids live (as does the killer, for that matter). That's some emotional jolt when everyone escapes unharmed from the world's wussiest killer. Whatever.

It's a sad statement on moviemaking in this day and age when 10 minutes of a shitty movie made 27 years ago are better than the entire 90 minutes of a movie made six months ago. Haven't people learned yet that all remakes suck? What's that old saying about repeating history?

Right here's a perfect example. Avoid like poison.

LT & GP: Ripley's Game

There are hundreds of movies made every year that go directly to video. While most of them are terrible enough to merit such a fate, there are the occasional gems that unjustly bypass the theatres and, therefore, a larger audience. And Ripley's Game is one of those gems.

Ripley's Game is an adaptation of the Patricia Highsmith novel of the same name. The Tom Ripley character has appeared in movies before, most recently in The Talented Mr. Ripley (also a Highsmith novel). Game has been made into a movie once before, as The American Friend, with a terribly miscast Dennis Hopper as Ripley. Ripley's Game doesn't have that problem, as John Malkovich has been perfectly cast as Ripley.

On to the plot:

Ripley (Malkovich) is a cold, calculating, psychopathic criminal. Yet he lives in a palatial villa and has tons of money. One night, he attends a dinner party. He overhears the host, Trevanny (Dougray Scott), make a crack about Ripley having no taste, which Ripley overhears. Trevanny has cancer, is dying, and really can't pay to have it treated, nor can he afford to provide for his family, post mortem.

A while later, Ripley is contacted by a former associate, Reeves (Ray Winstone). Apparently, the victims of a scam pulled by Reeves and Ripley are seeking retribution. Reeves says a man needs to be killed in order to make it go away. Reeves will pay Ripley to do it. Normally, this is the sort of thing that Ripley would handle himself, but he has something else in mind: He'll double the money and get Trevanny to do it. He knows Trevanny has cancer, and doesn't have much to lose, and he could use the money to set up his family after he dies. That, and Ripley's still seething about the remarks Trevanny made about him. Trevanny accepts, but, as you may have guessed, things to not go as planned.

The great thing about this movie, and the thing that sets it apart from every other Ripley movie, is that Ripley is portrayed by Malkovich as an unfeeling psychopath. In Highsmith's books, everything Ripley did was for personal gain. He was always a psychopath; he didn't just come into it. In the movies, he's always portrayed as a con man, but never as someone who is evil, as he became in the books. And Malkovich is the perfect guy for it. He feels no joy in murder; it's a necessary evil, something that's a means to an end. Nor is he sympathetic. When a character sacrifices himself to save Ripley, Ripley is astounded, asking, "Why would you do that?" as though he expected his comeuppance the way most people expect the sun to rise. Anyone else in this role (like Matt Damon, let's say), and this movie doesn't work. But Malkovich can play these kinds of roles in his sleep, and he makes this scary, scary character work. And the movie is all the better for it.

A great movie that totally got jobbed by its distributors. Check it out.

Blast From The Past

Remember Godzilla? No, not Gojira, the rubber monster that's been kicking the piss out of Japan for the past 50 years. I'm referring to the CGI monster from the Matthew Broderick movie from eight years ago, that no one remembers or cares about.

I never understood why there was an American version of Godzilla. It's not as though the Japanese originals were far past or long-forgotten. Toho, the Japanese studio that produces the Godzilla movies, just released a new one a couple of years ago, and has made them almost yearly since 1954. (And yes, it's still a guy in a rubber suit.) Yet, this being America, we can't stand anything foreign, and, instead of releasing a foreign movie in our theatres, we just make an American version.

And, like all remakes, it sucked. Sure, it made some money, because Sony marketed the shit out of it, but it was just a stupid action movie with a giant lizard-looking thing that didn't look like Godzilla at all. It wasn't as campy or entertaining as the Japanese versions, and it fell from memory quickly after its first-run through theatres, video, and cable. In fact, I bet you'd even forgotten there was an American Godzilla movie. It's just that forgettable.

So, I find it odd that American Godzilla is back. There's a Doritos commercial airing right now, in which a monster destroys a city to get to a semi trailer of Doritos and then eats it. You've probably seen this commercial. (I saw it twice during a episode of Kolchak: The Night Stalker on the Sci-Fi Channel.) And you probably just thought it was just a giant anonymous lizard monster that ate that Doritos truck. But no: that was American Godzilla, the monster that everyone forgot.

Why would Frito Lay, who makes Doritos, use a character no one remembers to pitch their product? It's like using Clutch Cargo to pitch ChapStick. If you want to use Godzilla, use the one everyone knows: the one in the big rubber suit. Apparently, Frito Lay is marketing their wares to geeks like me, who remember shit like a Godzilla movie that no one else does. And it's working: I sure do love me some Doritos! Thanks, Godzilla, for showing me how fun eating Doritos could be!!

Climbing Mt. Everest No Big Deal

There was a story in the news a week or so ago about a double amputee that reached the summit of Mt. Everest, the tallest mountain in the world. This climber was a former mountaineer rescuer who lost his legs in a climbing accident. He kept active in the sport with the use of prosthetic legs, and has now become the first double amputee to summit Everest.

Before 1953, no one in, I don't know, 1 million or so years had climbed to the top of Mt. Everest. Since Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay climbed it in 1953, nearly 2000 people have done the same. (Conversely, K2, the world's second tallest mountain, a mere 700 feet shorter than Everest, has been summited by fewer than 200.) Apparently, climbing a mountain that's five and a half miles tall is not the feat it used to be.

Climbing Everest used to be something special, and something only the bravest and most skilled climbers could accomplish. Before Hillary, numerous climbers tried unsuccessfully to reach the summit. Famed mountaineer George Mallory made numerous attempts to the top, and eventually, died up there. (His body is still there today.) After Hillary reached the top, he was promptly knighted by Queen Elizabeth. This used to be a big deal.

Now, you don't even have to be that skilled of a climber to go up there. All you need is a lot of money (to pay the astronomical fee Tibet charges climbers) and a pretty good guide, and they'll drag your ass right up that mountain. Sure, you might die (like the eight people that died on a single day in 1996), but they'll get you to the top. You have people summiting multiple times. Filmmaker David Breashears, who directed the movie Everest, has been to the top four times, including twice in one year, and another time dragging a 70mm IMAX camera with him.

But Breashears is able-bodied; he has all his limbs and vital functions. But it seems you don't need any of that, because a guy with no legs just did it. I read another story about a blind man who reached the summit. A blind man. How the fuck does a blind person climb the world's tallest mountain?!?

I guess all you need nowadays to accomplish what was once the world's most daunting feat is have a heartbeat and at least two limbs. If that's the case, sign me up; I'll kill that fucking molehill.

Communist Mecca Falls To Capitalism

Today, The Girl and I visited State Street in Madison. It'd been about two years since we'd been there last, and it's a place we've always enjoyed visiting. And what a difference two years makes.

For those of you not in the know, State Street is the five block span between Memorial Library on the University of Wisconsin campus and the Wisconsin State Capitol building. It's a common tourist attraction, and the epic Halloween party held there has put UW-Madison on the top of The Princeton Review and Playboy's party school lists. It's closed to automobile traffic, and is usually filled with people.

The reason people go there isn't because of some historical significance (although you're a stones throw from the national landmark Capitol building); they go there for the businesses located along State Street. It used to be covered with trendy little boutiques and restaurants. The shops catered to the hippie/slacker/potheads that frequent State Street, and the restaurants feature little bar-and-grills and ethnic cooking ranging from Mexican to several different kinds of Middle Eastern and Asian cuisine. Headshops and patchouli-stinking shops were plentiful. Everything was perfectly geared to the liberal-bordering-on-communist sensibilities of Madison. But, that was two years ago.

Now, a good many of the little shops and bars are gone, replaced by corporate retail shops and chain restaurants. Oh sure, a lot of the old staples are still there, but they're few and far between now. Everything is new and improved, to go with the new, more "mainstream" image. (Even long-time, trendy vintage clothes retailer Ragstock, which, ironically, is itself a chain store, has a new facade that makes the Gap store next door look like an antique.) State Street is becoming more like The Magnificent Mile in Chicago (the Midwest's premiere shopping destination) than the hippie haven it once was.

Oh well; things have to change with the times, I guess. We still had fun. And as long as some of those long-time staples (like bathing supply store The Soap Opera, one of The Girl's faves) remain open, we'll keep going back. We'll probably even still go after they've all turned into Qbodas and Old Navys. Not as interesting, but something to do, nonetheless.

Breaking The Da Vinci Code

Despite all of the incredibly negative buzz the movie has been getting, I think everyone should see The Da Vinci Code. Not because it's a good movie (which is debatable), but because of all the ridiculous shit that it postulates.

I suppose the same could be said of Dan Brown's book on which the movie is based. All of the theories about the "Holy Grail" are interesting, but, ultimately, ridiculous. Some simple homework blows most of the theories out of the water:

-the "Holy Grail" is never mentioned in The Bible. Its first known mention is in the late 12th century, in fictional works about the Arthurian legend. And in those, it's an actual cup;

-the "Mary Magdalene" supposedly depicted in Da Vinci's The Last Supper is actually John the Apostle;

-the Priory of Sion was not an ancient organization that protected the Grail, but a debunked hoax by a couple of Frenchmen;

-the "rose line" (which allegedly leads you to the Grail) that runs through the Church at Saint-Suplice and the gold markers that denote the Prime Meridian that once ran through Paris are not along the same line of longitude;

-while it's not mentioned and is an unintentional side-effect of the book, I sure I.M. Pei, who built the glass pyramids in front of The Louvre, would be offended by the implication that he helped conceal the hiding place of the Grail;

-and, for any of these theories to be true, you have to able to prove that anything in The Bible actually happened. (Good luck with that one.)

Oh yeah, we were talking about a movie, weren't we? (This post was starting to turn into this post, which started out about a movie, and went somewhere else entirely.)

The movie is about what you'd expect, except about nine hours longer. (Your watch will say you've only been there for two and a half hours, but it sure does seem longer.) Most of the running time comes from the fact there is at least an hour's worth of expositional dialogue explaining the whole conspiracy. The screenplay for this thing must have been 500 pages long. In fact, before you go, read Brown's book first (which you could probably read in less time than watching the movie), so that you understand all of the theories, and you can sleep through all the talky parts. The movie will just fly by that way.

GE Tries Mind Control

General Electric is known as a deadly serious company with a long line of innovation. They are the ninth largest company in the world, and, based on performance, lay off the bottom 200 of their workforce every year. You don't get to be known as the "inventor of the light bulb" without being serious.

So, it's nice to see that GE is lightening up a little bit as they enter a new field of innovation. (More on that later.) There's a commercial out there for GE's new hybrid locomotive. You know the one: All the turn-of-the-century folks get covered with soot from the old coal-powered locomotives. A funny little commercial. But there's something in the commercial that hints at what GE may be innovating next (and I'm not talking about hybrid locomotives).

Toward the very end of the commercial, before all of the icons for GE's various businesses flash on the screen, there's a flash of something else; something red. It's too quick to see. In fact, you probably didn't even notice. But, if you slow it down, there's about eight frames of something called "One Second Theatre." (Film moves at 24 frames per second, so you have some sort of idea how fast this flies by.) It's a clever vignette about what happened to all the folks in the commercial. If you can't see it, there's even a website you can go to to see this little thing. But, I'm not going to give you the web address, because, if you've seen the commercial, you already know it; you may not think you know it, but you do. Yep, that's right: GE has gotten into subliminal advertising.

Ever watched a airplane engine commercial and suddenly felt the need to watch NBC? Or seen a commercial for an open MRI and wanted to buy lightbulbs? Probably not, but if GE is willing to subliminally sneak dumb shit into their commercials, imagine what they would do if they really wanted to sell you something. You don't get that big without being able to control peoples' minds a little bit.

Lost Treasures & Guilty Pleasures: The Stepfather

I could have added this to the Horror Movies You Should See post, but this one deserves it's own post.

The Stepfather tells the story of a reverse-"black widow": a man who marries into families, and then kills them, not for their money, but because he likes killing people. The "stepfather" is Jerry (Terry O'Quinn), who marries into the family of Susan and Stephanie ('80s staples Shelley Hack and Jill Schoelen). At first, Jerry seems like the world's nicest guy. At least to Susan. Stephanie never trusts her stepfather, and with good cause, because he's actually a serial killer on the loose. It's all good as long as Jerry is happy, but once Stephanie starts raising questions about his past, look out: it's gonna get messy.

This was probably the first time I'd ever seen Terry O'Quinn in anything. In fact, this movie is essential viewing if you're a Terry O'Quinn fan. If you think he's creepy on Lost or any of the other hundred things he's played the "Creepy Guy" in, you don't know what creepy is until you see this movie. He goes from perfectly normal to Freak City in a heartbeat. He's even got the great scene where he beats a guy to death with a 2x4 during an open house. Absolutely classic shit.

The movie itself is actually pretty good. Movies like this were a dime a dozen in the late '80s, but this is one of the better ones. Sure, it's a Cheesy '80s Movie, but a very well-made Cheesy '80s Movie.

It's a damn shame that his movie is essentially unavailable in the States. It's a great horror flick that everyone should see. Psycho killers don't get any creepier than this. Check it out.

ABC Causes Panic

I love it when people play off of a hysteria-causing phenomena to sell their wares. Or, in this case, to get people to watch their TV shows...

For about a year now, there's been talk of the "bird flu," or avian influenza, that has been running rampant among birds. There is a particularly deadly strain spreading amongst birds as we speak, one of the kind of strains that has caused pandemics in the past. Fairly scary shit, but let's get some things straight.

Influenza is a virus. It is found in birds and other mammals. (And yes, there is probably some influenza virus inside you right now.) The thing with viruses, though, is that they tend to be specific to a particular species (for example, mammals can get influenza, but not fish or lizards). The influenza that is killing millions of birds is relatively harmless to humans. In order for it to become harmful, the virus would have to mutate into something that would infect humans. Right now, it's just harmful to birds. It may never be harmful to humans.

Still, this didn't stop ABC from making Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America, an Outbreak-esque thriller about the "worst case" scenario of bird flu becoming harmful to humans. I'm not sure, but this was probably sponsored by some drug company who makes an influenza vaccine. No need to worry, though; you got your flu shot...

Here's the thing about that: Vaccines are derived from existing strains of a virus. In order for there to be a viable vaccine, it must come from an existing virus. Let's go another direction and look at smallpox, a virus that was extremely fatal to humans. Edward Jenner developed the smallpox vaccine in the 1700's. (It's somewhat ironic that the vaccine for smallpox is cowpox, a virus that is fatal to some humans.) Due to this vaccine and, well, death, smallpox ceased to exist in the wild by 1980. That particular form of smallpox no longer exists. But, let's say another strain of smallpox came to exist. (It's suspected that smallpox may have mutated from a strain of monkeypox. Yes, monkeypox.) You're safe because you got the smallpox inoculation, right? If by "safe," you mean "dead," you'd be correct. Ya see, all of our existing doses of smallpox vaccine are for a disease that doesn't exist anymore. If it turns up in another form, that vaccine would do about as much to that smallpox as Robitussin does to cancer: a whole lotta nothin'.

Same deal with bird flu. That flu shot you got at Wal-Mart last summer was derived from whatever flu strain was going around at the time. If this strain of bird flu mutates into something that affects humans, they got nothin' for ya. Well, that is, until a couple of thousand people die and they can cobble together a vaccine from their corpses. Otherwise, you're perfectly safe.

But, all of this hysteria revolves around that fact that bird flu has to mutate into something that will affect humans, something that might never happen. Chances are you'll catch mad-cow or chronic wasting disease (two more diseases that have never been linked to human death, yet cause panic) before you get bird flu. I know I'm not holding my breath. Or maybe I should...?

Sony Prices Self Out Of Market

Everyone is waiting for the PS3. It's the next generation of Sony's market-leading game console. Its groundbreaking technology allows it to play Blu-ray hi-def video discs, a first in the gaming market. Needless to say, any info Sony releases on this thing is a big deal, and is anticipated by everyone.

Except when the news is bad. Today, Sony announced the release date and price for the PS3. It comes out November 17 (waaaay later than the previously announced summer release), at a cost of (hold your ass) $499. And that's for the "base" model, which comes with, well, nothing. The most awesome part about this one is that it come with (get this) no HD video-out jack. It has an HD video player, but can't play them in HD. Talk about defeating the purpose.

However, this is a function on the "deluxe" model, which will cost you another $100. And, just for comparison's sake, the top-of-the-line XBox 360 costs $100 less than the base PS3. Oh sure, that PS3 come with USB ports and flash memory slots, but, did you need those things back when you were rockin' the Sega Genesis? Guess what: You don't need them now, either. (It's worth noting that $500 will buy you the deluxe XBox, two controllers, and a game. $500 buys a PS3 with...I don't even think it comes with a casing; it's just the guts.)

I'm not sure I understand Sony's gameplan on their electronics rollouts. First they get beat to the HD video market by HD-DVD, with a player that costs $500 less than Sony's still-unreleased Blu-ray player. And now, they're delaying the release of their overpriced game console, while Microsoft will have had the XBox 360 out for a year before PS3 debuts. Six months from now is a long time. I wouldn't be surprised if Microsoft puts an HD-DVD player (their player of choice) in their machines, and adds $100 to the price sometime before PS3 debuts. Better machine, still cheaper than the PS3.

I've posted on Sony's missteps before, and they appear to be setting themselves up for another one. (Notice how my prediction of them getting a jump of the HD video market failed to happen.) We'll see how it pans out, but it ain't lookin' good.

Apple Jobs Apple

It's no secret that there's no love lost between Apple Computers and Apple Corps, which, as some of you might remember, is The Beatles record imprint. Apple Corps has been on the other Apple's ass since Day One. When the computer company was first started, the record company sued them for copyright infringement. They eventually settled, with Apple Computers agreeing to stay out of any music-related business. Apple has been sued twice more over the years, most recently for the advent of the iPod and iTunes. They lost the second lawsuit (which had to do with music making software on Apple computers), but that's not the important one.

Yesterday, a British judge decided that Apple Computers did not violate the terms of their previous settlement with Apple Corps by producing and distributing iTunes and iPods with the "apple" logo on them.

Don't know about you, but I think that's fucking awesome. The previous two times that Apple Corps sued, they got quite a great deal of money in settlements. And those were over some Mickey Mouse bullshit, back when Apple wasn't making any serious money and only weirdos bought their shit. But now, they are just rolling in money, by means one of the most important pop-cultural creations of the millennium, and Apple Corps doesn't get a fucking penny. That's awesome.

Fuck you, Paul, Ringo, and the families of the dead ones! Way to go to the well too many times when it's dry. If you're that hard up for money, maybe you should try buying your music catalog back; I hear it's for sale.

Ashlee Simpson Nearly Worth Looking At

There are now photos surfacing that seem to prove out what was widely reported last week: that Ashlee Simpson appears to have had a nosejob. Her transformation into Jessica Simpson is nearly complete.

Now, if she could just get rid of the witch chin that went with her witch nose, she might be what we in the biz call "attractive." But just maybe.

The Most Roundabout Post On The Information Age Ever

Digital cable is a buggy invention. This is, of course, the "upgraded" version of cable. It's more channels, better picture, better sound, more features. Most people don't realize they have digital cable in their home. It's piggybacked on the basic cable signal. But you can't watch unless you have the cable box that decodes the signal. The problem with that box is that the decompression of the video signal causes a lot of glitches: video artifacts, missing sound, loss of signal altogether. Adding TiVo to the mess compounds the problem. The signal runs through TiVo, and it controls your cable box. Any problems the cable signal might have with the cable box are amplified by TiVo. If your cable box loses the signal for a couple of seconds (a common occurrence), TiVo will just lose it altogether. And this is how my TiVo ended up only taping the first 15 minutes of Wednesday's episode of Lost before recording 50 minutes of blackness. (The Girl watched the episode live, and saw the whole thing, no blackout. Fucking TiVo.)

Now, normally, when I miss an episode of something, I'd wait for the reruns, or procure it in some "other" manner. And then I remembered something...

Remember like 10 years ago, when all these media companies started merging? AOL bought TimeWarner, Disney bought ABC, Viacom bought Paramount and CBS. Back then, the buzzwords were "synergy" and "multimedia." They all wanted to come up with new means to offer their content to people (and make shitloads of money); they wanted to put content on the internet. It was all pretty much big talk, until a month ago, when ABC announced it was going to offer episodes of its most popular shows for free over the internet. (It already offers these shows for $1.99 a pop on iTunes, but this is FREE, with limited commercial interruptions.) And this is how I ended up watching the last 50 minutes of Lost over the internet on ABC.com. It's pretty fucking slick if you have a broadband connection fast enough to run it. Check it out.

Oh, BTW, happy Cinco de Mayo.

Those Were The Days

Remember Britney Spears? Not the Britney Spears that appears weekly on the cover of Us and Star. No, I'm talking about the Britney Spears that was the masturbatory fantasy of every man alive, pretty much.

How do you fall so far so quickly? How do you go from being any international superstar millionaire to someone who shits out two kids in the same fiscal year? From dating a handsome popstar to marrying two complete losers in the same year? From hot to, well, not?

I only bring this up because Brit is back in the news again for allegedly being pregnant again. Ya know, when your career is about five seconds from being deader than the Kennedys, the first thing you should do is the exact same thing that killed your career in the first place: procreate or have anything to do with that mongoloid, wigger-wannabe husband of hers (who is on his fourth kid in as many years).

Dump K-Fed and his "awesome" rap career, and get yours back on track. You bring more joy to people as "Britney" than as "Mrs. Federline." I don't see how anyone could enjoy that.

When Morons Breed!

If you missed Oh, Baby...Now What? on A&E tonight, you missed some seriously classic shit.

It tells the story of Brad and Sara, two idiots who have a child together. The backstory is that they were going out and having sex, and suddenly, they're knocked up. (To give you a timeline, they celebrate their one year anniversary days before their baby is born. That's a meaningful relationship.) Brad is a complete dummy who moved from St. Louis to L.A. to become an actor (a classic Idiot Maneuver) and always has a toothpick behind his ear. Sara is a flaky ex-stripper who states, first thing, "I don't believe in birth control." (Wow. And they got pregnant? How'd that happen?)

The two really can't stand each other, nor do they live together, yet they go to couples counseling together, and pretend they have some sort of relationship. All of their roommates/friends hate them, as they have no problem alienating everyone around them.

This isn't even the good part; wait 'til the baby's born. Who lets a six-week old baby get second-degree sunburns? Or leaves the same baby at home alone while the mother goes out looking for the father? And who names their kid "Hunter"? If you guessed "these two retards," you slammed dunked it.

The most fascinating thing about this whole mess is the couple themselves. If this story took place in Arkansas or Kentucky, this show would be wholly unremarkable, as this is standard operating procedure for parents there. But these people live in Los Angeles. They aren't poor, white trash living in a trailer park; they're young, attractive 20-somethings living in Hollywood. White trash doesn't know not to raise children like that. It's how they were raised; they don't know any better. But Brad and Sara, who are much farther up the socio-economic ladder, are just stupid. They're terrible parents (and terrible people) because they have non-functioning brains. There should be some sort of governmental agency that monitors people like this, so that when they prepare to breed, they can be sterilized, as to keep their idiot DNA from spreading.

If you're thinking of having a child, watch this first. And then do the opposite of everything you see on this show. Your kid will turn out fine.

Lost Treasures And Guilty Pleasures

I've decided to kick off a weekly (and by "weekly," I mean "whenever I get around to it") feature in which I bring to your attention some things you haven't heard of, but should, or things you have heard nothing good about, but actually are good.

So, in keeping with our "creepy" theme, and because it just came out on DVD today, I thought I'd kick things off with Magic, the 1978 Anthony Hopkins creepshow. The movie tells the story of Corky (Hopkins), a second-rate magician whose act is just as terrible as every other second-rate magician's. So, he does what every crappy magician does: he adds a ventriloquist's dummy to the act. And suddenly, his act is a hit. An agent (Burgess Meredith, in a great toupee) sees his act and catapults Corky into stardom. Pretty simple story, right?

It would be, except that Corky has a bit of a problem: his dummy, whose name is Fats, talks to him. And not just during the act; he talks non-stop. Needless to say, Corky gets a little stressed. So, he and Fats drop out of the spotlight, and take up in the guest cottage of a couple (Ann-Margret and Ed Lauter) out in the middle of nowhere. And when you're stressing, a couple of weeks alone with your living dummy is just what the doctor ordered.

Now, this may sound like a Child's Play-type shocker, but it's not. It's actually more of a melodrama. But what makes it a Horror Movie is that fucking dummy. It is, quite possibly, the creepiest thing to have been created by man. If it were possilbe to see Satan, it would look like this dummy. When I was a kid, I saw an ad for Magic (which looked like the poster posted above) in a magazine, and just that picture freaked me out.

The movie itself is only so-so. It was written by William Goldman and directed by Sir Dick Attenborough (both deserving Oscar winners), but there's only so much you can do with material as goofy as this. Hopkins is great, as always, and Meredith is particularly slimy. Oh, and that fucking dummy; that scary, scary dummy. Throw in some Ann-Margret nudity, and you may have the greatest Talking Dummy Movie ever. Check it out.

Freaks Of The World Rejoice

While we're on the topic of "creepy shit," I thought I'd bring this to your attention.

This weekend, the U of Pennsylvania claimed they had come up with the cause, and the beginnings of a possble cure, for a rare disease called fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva (or FOP, for short). FOP causes the body to produce an extra skeleton (!!) inside the effected person. (The picture to the left is a CAT scan of an effected person.) Basically, your muscles, tendons, and ligaments turn into bone. Any damage to a muscle (like a bruise) or a ligament (like blowing out your ACL) will cause it to turn to bone. Almost all fiberous tissue damage does not heal, but turns to bone. Operations to remove said bones cause more bones to grow.

Yikes. Just looking at that picture gives me the creeps. Freak Show City, man.

Horror Movies You Should See

Saw Silent Hill tonight, and, while it's absolutely gorgeous to look at, it's totally incomprehensible. Unless you're a fan of cinematography and production design, I can't really recommend it.

So, in lieu of a review, I'll give you a couple of Horror Movies you should see. Some you'll have heard of or seen; others will have you scratching your head. Either way, if you're a Horror Fan, check 'em out.

Session 9 (2001)
Who knew that asbestos removal could be so scary? It is, particularly when your project is the condemned Danvers State Mental Hospital. And anytime you throw David Caruso into the mix will make for a scary ride. They just don't make spooky movies like this anymore.

Exorcist 3 (1990)
One of the few sequels in history to be scarier than the original. An odd premise, in that two minor characters from the original are the main characters here (similar to the sequel of another entry on this list). Flawed by some obvious post-production tampering, it still has some really creepy shit (like the old lady on the ceiling) and snappy dialogue (adapted by Blatty himself from his novel) that makes it worth a watch.

Ringu (1998)
The movie that singlehandedly ruined the Asian Horror Movie (as every horror movie released in Asia after this was a knockoff of it) is still one of the scariest things of the last decade. Without resorting to any sort of visual or audio trickery, it delivers the scares on atmosphere alone: something no director in America has figured out how to do.

The Evil Dead (1981)
The movie that launched Sam Raimi's career is still some trippy shit. Many prefer Evil Dead 2, the sequel-cum-remake, but the cheap, fast, and out of control filmmaking of the original makes it my fave. And, without it, we'd have no Bruce Campbell, which would be a damn shame.

Braindead (1992)
And speaking of directors who've sold out, the last movie by Peter Jackson (and yes, I was a Jackson fan from Day One, and then he went Hollywood) before he went to the Dark Side is one of the grossest movies ever. Plus, it's a Zombie Movie (and a funny one, at that), which may make it one of the best movies ever.

The Crimson Rivers (2001)
This little-seen French entry proves that you needn't be in Hollywood to make a slick-looking movie. Even though it's so complexly plotted that you need a Doctorate in Confusing Plots to figure it out (I've seen it several times, and am STILL a little fuzzy on what happens), it's still a fun little thrill ride.

The Changeling (1979)
Probably the last Haunted House Movie worth watching, it's also one of the best. Another movie that doesn't resort to smoke and mirrors for its scares, unlike every other Haunted House Movie these days.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)
C'mon now. You think I'm not going to sneak this one in? The magnum opus of the man who invented the Zombie Movie is one of the best Horror Movies ever. Some prefer Night; some prefer Day. For me, there is no Zombie Movie above Dawn.

And, while I can't necessarily recommend Silent Hill, I can recommend director Christophe Gans' previous endeavor:

Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)
Not really a Horror movie, but not really any kind of movie. It borrows elements from several genres (including Kung-Fu Movies!!), and crams them all into one wild, scary movie. Waaaayyyy better than any video game-to-movie adaptation I've ever seen.

Matt and Trey Lose Their Minds

Matt Stone and Trey Parker must be burned out. It's the only reason I can explain why, after a couple of brilliant episodes in this season of South Park, they would come up with a pretty unfunny parody of the whole James Frey/A Million Little Pieces brouhaha. The episode isn't even really about that, as it's mostly about Oprah's talking vagina and asshole.

Guys, if you can't come up with any decent ideas, take a week off. I'm sure this idea was absolutely hilarious at like 4:00 in the morning when you're stoned, but really not funny at all when it's on TV. Like Towlie, you shouldn't get your good ideas from marijuana; you should only use it as a reward for good ideas.

So, next week, let's see the citizens of South Park again, and no more "one-off" episodes. Everyone will be much happier.

"Didn't That Show Used To Be Called..."

I'm not a fan of reality shows, but The Girl likes them, and, since she controls the TV, I end up watching quite a few. One The Girl watches is Sell This House!, on which the host and a designer help homeowners sell their stagnating properties with some simple interior design tips. I enjoy the show, because it's neat to see what some paint and rearranging your furniture can do to a house (and host Tanya Memme's not exactly hard on the eyes, either).

During a random channel surf, we came across a commercial for a show on WE called Take This House and Sell It, which appears to be exactly the same as Sell This House! (It even contains the title, which borders on outright plagiarism.) Not being a fan of reality shows, I'm not used to this sort of blatant ripping-off of ideas. But then, just watching commercials, and knowing what's already on TV, I saw that it's rampant.

Another one of The Girl's shows is What Not to Wear (which entertains me because the hostess is a total bitch-on-wheels). There's an almost identical show on Style Network called How Do I Look? Then, there's Skating's Next Star and Skating With Celebrities (both of which are ripoffs of Dancing with the Stars, which was a ripoff of American Idol). There's Iron Chef and Celebrity Cooking Showdown, Nanny 911 and Supernanny, and (worst of all), Wife Swap and Trading Spouses.

I can understand copying the formula of a popular show; that's been going on since the beginning of TV. What I don't understand is how big can the audience for some of these shows be? Are shows about swapping your spouse that in-demand that we need two of them? And we've already got two celebrity cookoff shows (the two Iron Chefs); do we really need a third one?

Sometimes, you can catch lightning in a bottle. You can come up with a totally stupid idea, and it turns out to be a hit. If you're a TV programmer, you should be happy for the other programmers, because they lucked out with something stoopid. What you shouldn't do is figure out a way to rip off that show in order to cannibalize their audience. Eventually, what you'll end up with is a whole bunch of shows that are only slightly different than one another that no one watches, because (DUH!!) they're still fans of the original show and still watch that. There's plenty of uncharted territory out there as far as "reality" goes. (I just saw one on A&E about young adults deciding whether they wanted to be priests or get married. That's not a choice at all, as far as I'm concerned.) Why don't you (and it pains me to say this, as it encourages the proliferation of reality shows) come up with some other dumb idea? People will watch it, or they won't. It's the same crapshoot you get if you just come up with some ripoff. But, at least it's your crapshoot, and not your version of someone else's.

Hopefully, my message will reach somebody, but I honestly don't think we've seen the last of Celebrity (Fill in the Blank) Shows. I know I can't wait for the next one.

Parody Has Run Its Course

Twenty five years ago, Jim Abrahams and the Zucker brothers made one of the funniest movies ever: Airplane! Twenty five years later, two of the three made one of the unfunniest movies ever: Scary Movie 4. How do the guys who essentially perfected the Parody Movie genre make such an unfunny Parody Movie? By forgetting how to write jokes.

Let's go back to Airplane! for a moment. The Zuckers and Abrahams bought the rights to the movie Zero Hour!, and took the screenplay almost intact and filled it full of ridiculous jokes. And we end up with Airplane! And they followed that with Police Squad!, Top Secret!, and The Naked Gun. (Oddly, they had nothing to do with Airplane 2.) And they were all funny

Then, a funny thing happened: Parody Movies stopped being funny. And I blame Mel Brooks.

Yes, Mel Brooks, who may have invented the Parody Movie, and made two of its funniest entries, Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles. In 1987, he made Spaceballs, which, while funny, really didn't bother coming up with original jokes. It just took scenes from other movies, and turned them into funny situations, rather than coming up with funny scenes of its own. This opened the floodgates for all kinds of lazy writing in Parody Movies. And the Parody Movie pretty much died. But people kept making the fucking things. (And speaking of people perpetuating dead trends, there was a kid at the theatre today that had six inches of his boxers showing above his pants. That shit went out, to quote Eminem, "back when Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark," which was longer ago than most of the people who wear them that way have been alive.)

And now we're back to Scary Movie 4, the third sequel to Scary Movie, which repopularized the Parody Movie, but was just as lazily written as its predecessors. And, as is the case with most sequels, the Scary sequels have gotten less funny the farther they've gotten from the original. You'd think the guys who'd done such great work with the genre before could do something with this movie, but they just fall back on the same old hack-ass shit that the previous movies (including the recent Date Movie) used. Who came up with the rule that if a scene doesn't exist in another movie that you can't make a joke about it? I realize that parodying existing material gives viewers an easy frame of reference, but do we really need jokes about it? Yes, we get it: Brokeback Mountain is about gay cowboys. Yes, Tom Cruise making an ass of himself on Oprah is rife with comic material. But we can come up with jokes about that shit ourselves, or hear the same jokes from any comedian. Do we really need a whole movie about it? No, we don't.

So, if this is the course that the Parody Movie is going to continue on, it's dead. (Actually, it's been dead; it's in a zombie state now.) Maybe if guys like the Zuckers and Abrahams could come up with some original material, I might change my opinion of the genre. If not, they shouldn't even bother. Pack it up and head back to Wisconsin; you're pretty much done.

South Park Gets Its Comeuppance

So, I'm watching part two of the "Cartoon Wars" South Park episode, in which Cartman (in cahoots with Bart Simpson, no less) figures out how to get Fox to take Family Guy off the air. I'm ruining the plot here, but he's unsuccessful, and Fox airs a uncensored episode of Family Guy as planned.

Now, I've mentioned this "censored episode" before, but I didn't tell you why it was so "inflammatory." In one of the show's random jokes, there was a depiction of the Islamic prophet Mohammed. On the show, Fox censored the image because various Islamic terrorist organizations claimed they would retaliate if the image of Mohammed was shown. So, Fox censored the image from Family Guy. After Cartman's plot to have another episode containing Mohammed pulled from the air, the Family Guy episode aired with the image of Mohammed intact.

Except it didn't. Right when they were about to show Mohammed, the screen cuts to black title cards that read, "In this shot, Mohammed hands a football helmet to Family Guy; Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammed on their network." It's a great joke: Stone and Parker taking a swipe at Comedy Central, making a rather loud comment about the previous censoring of a another "religiously volatile" episode. (For that statement to work, you have to accept Scientology as a "religion.")

But, it wasn't a joke. In an ironic twist, Comedy Central actually censored the image of Mohammed that Stone and Parker inserted into the episode. It's funny when a joke emulates real life, but no so funny the other way.

"What's the big deal," you ask? For some Muslims, it's considered sacrilege to depict Mohammed. Making fun of him could be punishable by death. (For those of you wondering what Mohammed looks like, he's the chap pictured at the top of this post. I'm expecting WMDs to rain down on me any minute now.) I'm assuming that Comedy Central, much like on the episode, feared some sort of terrorist retaliation for depicting the Islamic holiest of holies.

What's completely fucked up about this whole thing is what they didn't censor. On the episode, after Family Guy airs, the terrorists immediately retaliated with their own "inflammatory" cartoon. It, of course, features Jesus, President Bush, and other decadent Americans involved in a scatological fun fest. It's a no-go to show Mohammed holding a football helmet, but just fine to show Jesus and the President shitting on the American flag. (It's a sad state when that 30 second segment is funnier than four seasons worth of Family Guy episodes, but, that's the way it is.) Why don't we get our priorities straight? I'm willing to bet there are more people upset by the depictions of Jesus and the President than would have been by a depiction of Mohammed. I, honestly, could give a fuck-all (because these things don't bother me), but, if you're going to be censoring assholes, you might as well go all the way, and not half-asshole it; something about the goose and the gander comes to mind.

I guess we can forget about ever seeing the "Trapped in the Closet" episode again. If they'll censor the rather innocuous "Cartoon Wars," there's no fucking way we'll ever see "Closet" and its Scientology bashing again. Those are some religious extremists you don't want to piss off.

The Joys Of The Shitty Horror Movie

I won't lie: I love Shitty Horror Movies. (I love good ones as well, but the words "good" and "horror movie" tend to be mutually exclusive.) Most great Shitty Horror Movies know that they're Shitty Horror Movies, and they run with it, balls to the wall. There are entire production companies who make nothing but Shitty Horror Movies (Full Moon and Troma are two of note).

But these movies never get a theatrical release. This is strict direct-to-video fare. They're too low-budget for the major studios to want to distribute them. That's why it's great when someone tricks a studio into giving them tons of money to make one. And there's a great one in theatres right now.

Of course, I'm talking about Slither, a great, gonzo piece of crap that some genius conned Universal into releasing. Dozens of movies exactly like this pop on Blockbuster's shelves every week, yet this one makes it into theatres. And I'm glad it did, because it's worth it.

What makes it so great is that the producers aren't even really trying to make a good movie. They just throw as much grossness as they can at the screen, and it all sticks. (I should note the movie is pretty funny, as well.) Honestly, as far as filmmaking and content, this movie isn't any better than, say, Hostel. But, what makes Slither a better movie than the aforementioned piece of shit is that doesn't even attempt to take itself seriously. (I mean, could you make a serious movie about slugs from outer space?) It just goes wherever it's ridiculous premise and cheesy gore take it. And it's all the better for it.

Good, clean family fun. Check it out.

Sam Goody Closes, And I Make Out Like A Bandit

As is, I suspect, the case in the rest of the country, the Sam Goody and Suncoast stores in town here are shutting down. Suncoast closed a week or so ago, and now looks to have a jewelry store going in. Sam Goody will be gone in another week, with a last-ditch money grab going on as we speak. Being bored, and making a round of the mall, The Girl and I stopped by Goody's to see if there were any bargains to be had.

I knew, going in, that I wasn't going to find any music I wanted. (They had about a thousand copies of Madonna's Confessions on a Dance Floor at a price that still didn't merit buying it. Not that I would, as that record blows.) I went in looking for movies. And, as I suspected, it was some pretty picked-over shit. Oh sure, if I wanted Superman 4 or War of the Worlds, this was the place to go. A lot of shit, but what did I expect from a store going through a liquidation sale?

But then The Girl stumbled upon the Mother Lode: the Used Movies section, something I didn't even know existed. While all the dumb mallrats were picking through the scattered remains of the "new" movies, all of the hidden treasures were in the "used" section. Look at the stuff I found tucked away:

Spartan: the great Mamet flick from two years ago;
Adaptation: the Spike Jonze/Charlie Kaufman co-op that should have won more Oscars than it did;
About Schmidt: The Girl likes this one;
Exorcist 3: better than the first one, and a lot scarier;
Phantom of the Paradise: Brian DePalma's cult-classic Phantom of the Opera/Faust/Dorian Gray retelling, with Paul Williams (!!) as The Devil;
and, the Find of the Century,
The Changeling: one of the best horror movies of the past 25 years, and one of The Girl's favorites.

And the cost of this monster haul? Six movies = sixteen bucks. A veritable score, and a historic one, as well: In my near 32 years of movie buying, I have never once bought a George C. Scott movie; today, I bought two. (I'm contacting the Guinness people, as I think this may be a record.)

All things considered, I don't think I could have made out any better. If every trip out of the house was this fulfilling, maybe I'd go "outside" more often. But I doubt it.

Turns Out, I'm Not The Only One...

If you've read this blog more than once, you know that I hate Family Guy. Not just because it's a startlingly unfunny show, but because Fox has seen fit to resurrect it twice, while incredibly funny shows like Arrested Development are shown the door. Arrested could only wish to get as many chances to be as unfunny as Family Guy.

Yet I seem to be alone in my hate of Family Guy. Whenever the subject of Family Guy comes up, I'm told what a funny show it is, and what a dummy I am for hating it. I've even had people tell me about parts from a show that sound funny, but when I watch it, I'm laughing about as much as I would watching Schindler's List. Maybe it's just me: I don't know what "funny" is. Maybe Schindler's List and Family Guy are hilarious, and the jokes are just going over my head.

But then, two guys who have never failed to make me laugh, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, rather boldly showed me that I was right.

If you missed it, the most recent episode of South Park, called "Cartoon Wars," featured a plot in which Cartman is determined to get to Hollywood to get Family Guy off the air, not because of an inflammatory episode (shades of South Park's own recent tribulations), but because it's just not funny. I am totally on the same page.

The funniest thing about the episode, which is oddly serious in tone, are the parodies of the aforementioned "inflammatory" episode. The jokes that Stone and Parker wrote are pretty much exactly what Seth McFarland would write. (I wouldn't be surprised if McFarland, who's an infamous plagarist, used these same jokes in future episodes.) And if jokes that are meant to be unfunny parodies are identical to the "funny" jokes in the actual show, well, folks, what you've got there is an unfunny show.

It's always good to know that you've got powerful friends in what appears to be a losing cause. Now, if only everyone else would see the light...