Wisconsin: Home Of The Fuck-Up

My adopted home state of Wisconsin is known for producing cranberries and speed skaters. But, I'm seeing we're starting to produce something else: social misfits that make the national news. We had the man who tried to kill Teddy Roosevelt, the kid that stole the actual film version of The Phantom Menace, the three kids who dug up a corpse for a little sexual gratification, we've even had a couple of cannibals. Now, we've got this adorable little brat pictured to the left.

Little Timmy (or whatever his name is), from Antigo, WI (which is in the uncivilized part of WI) somehow managed to crawl inside one of those crane games, when he felt that actually going inside the machine would be a much easier way to get a stuffed Sponge-Bob than using that annoying crane. He was trapped in the machine for a couple of hours, before being rescued by firefighters.

Add one more dumbass to the list.

It All Makes Sense Now

A somewhat confusing aspect of Grey's Anatomy makes sense to me now. Now I understand why it was awkward for Meredith to sleep with George; why George doesn't seem to have any issues with having three hot female roommates; why George would rather go home and hang out with said roommates than have sex with Callie.

The reason? Because he's gay.

Grey's star T.R. Knight, who plays George on the show, recently confirmed that he is gay. I guess he thought it would be a good idea to confirm this after he was involuntarily outed during the much-publicized fight between co-stars Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey.

I find it somewhat odd that, even though Knight just now came out in real life, and doesn't actually play a gay character on the show, the writers seem to have written him as a gay. I wouldn't be surprised if George came out on the show as well.

You watch; it'll happen.

It's About Fucking Time

It's good to see that the industry "leader" in software and technology needed 10 years and seven versions of Internet Explorer to include a feature that every other browser on the planet has had for years.

On Wednesday, Microsoft released Internet Explorer 7, now featuring tabbed browsing. With this upgrade, it now joins the ranks of Firefox, Netscape, Opera, and, well, any other browser you can come up with to include that feature. It's good that Microsoft is right on the cusp of cutting-edge technology. (The Opera browser features an integrated BitTorrent downloader. That will probably be a dead format by the time Microsoft incorporates it into IE.)

In fact, if you look at all of the new features in IE 7, like integrated search and better security, you'll see that Microsoft looked at every browser out there, and included every feature they didn't have. Just years later. (I stopped using IE a number of years ago for many of these same reasons.)

I will give Microsoft props for one thing, though: They have the nicest-looking browser out of all of them; the other browsers look like the open-code, user-generated applications they really are. I do find it somewhat odd that the new, almost concurrent releases of iTunes and IE seem to have traded looks: iTunes took on the harsh, gun-metal grey appearance of IE, while IE went with the soft, luminescent blue appearance of iTunes.

We'll see how long it take for Microsoft to update IE again. I'm sure we can watch all the other browsers out there and see exactly what that new release will consist of.

Steve Wynn Is A Mongoloid Retard

Steve Wynn has made a lot of money in the casino business. His money has allowed him to buy one of the more impressive art collections in the world. Unfortunately, it hasn't allowed him to buy any sort of brain.

Yesterday, Wynn's office confirmed a story that Wynn accidentally destroyed the Picasso painting Le Reve, when he punched a hole in it with his elbow. As if that wasn't stupid enough, he had just finalized the sale of the painting for $139 million.

That's one pricey hole.

An Almighty Fuckload Of Money

Last week, The L.A. Times reported that Evan Almighty, the upcoming sequel to Bruce Almighty, may end up costing upwards of $250 million, once all production and marketing costs are figured in.

How the fuck is this movie gonna cost $250 million? Jim Carrey cost $20 million to star in the first one, and its budget was a third as much. James Cameron built a near-life-sized replica of the Titanic that broke in half and sunk on command, and that movie only cost $200 million. (And Titanic made all that money back, so that's a wash.) So, what the fuck could you possibly put in this movie to make it cost more than that? (Hint: it ain't Steve Carell)

I think we may have a new All-Time Money Loser on our hands. Unless Steve figures out how to open a movie in a real fucking hurry. But I don't see that happening. And I don't think the eight bucks that I'll throw its way is going to help.

Aaron Sorkin: Take Note

In this post, I lamented on my much-anticipated Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip not being as good as it should be. I think it's got a lot to do with the fact that Sorkin has merely taken The West Wing out of The White House, and recontextualized it into a sketch comedy show. I think this same cast could perform a script from The West Wing, and you wouldn't really know the difference.

It seems, however, that Tina Fey (of all people) actually has the upper hand in the Battle of Shows About a Saturday Night Live-like Show with 30 Rock. Fey has done the smart thing, and cast people who were actually on SNL (herself included), and brought along Lorne Michaels to produce as well. And, for a show about a comedy show, it happens to be funny. (Is it just me, or are the "sketches" on Studio 60 painfully unfunny?)

There's a lot of sly, witty humor going on in 30 Rock. While Studio 60 takes place on the fictional network NBS, 30 Rock actually takes place at NBC. (Which I find odd, since both shows actually air on NBC.) They also take jabs at NBC's corporate parent, GE. (The GE Trivection Oven may be the greatest fake product placement ever.) I like that Alec Baldwin plays a GE executive on the show, and is the voice of GE in real life. I also see an upcoming defammation lawsuit from Martin Lawrence for Tracy Morgan's thinly-veiled portrayal of him.

The biggest thing it has going for it is that I could actually see this stuff happening on an SNL-esque show. As I mentioned earlier, the subject matter on Studio 60 seems to outweigh the setting. When they were still both on SNL, I really can't see Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels going through a lot of the stuff that Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford go through in the same roles on their show. It's too serious.

Sorkin should probably watch a lot of 30 Rock; he might learn how to make his show work. Still great, but still not right.

The New Grindhouse Trailer

As most movie idiots like myself know, the next project for both Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino is Grindhouse, a double-feature homage to exploitation films of the '70s, complete with Coming Attractions between the two halves. Here's the first look:

Not sure, but this may be the Best Movie Ever, or The Worst Movie Ever; looks like it could go either way. (Rose McGowan with an M16A4 for a leg may be pushing it a little.) And, having some knowledge about this film, this whole trailer appears to be from Planet Terror, the Rodriguez half of the film. Which tells me that there isn't a lot of footage from the Tarantino half yet, or that it's completely unwatchable.

Unwatchable or not, as long as it's better than Kill Bill, I'll be happy. Hell, THIS is better than Kill Bill:

And that's pretty pathetic.

Oh, The Humanity

When I heard that a small plane had crashed into a skyscraper in downtown New York City on the five year, one month anniversary of 9/11, I figured some Al-Qaeda nutjob just got the date wrong for launching a commemorative terrorist strike on New York. But turns out in was actually Yankees pitcher Corey Lidle, who, I assume, other than his team getting their ass whooped in the playoffs, really had no reason to launch a terrorist attack on New York. So, must have been an accident.

The only comment I have on this tragedy is that I'm glad he waited to crash into a building as long as he did, since I had him on my fantasy baseball team, and him dying would have fucked up my rotation.

That would have been tragic.

While We're On The Subject...

I thought maybe I'd give my views on this fall's new shows (at least what I've seen so far).

Six Degrees (ABC)
JJ Abrams tries to make an entire series out of the "six degrees" aspect that makes Lost such a great show. And it makes for a terrible show. Abrams should maybe stop producing TV shows, and spend more time on the new Star Trek movie.

Heroes (NBC)
Pretty much Unbreakable as a TV show. It's actually pretty good. I especially liked the little Japanese guy who travels five weeks into the future, gets picked up for the murder of a guy who predicted a terrorist attack on New York, and then returns to the past just as New York gets destroyed. Good stuff. The only thing that will kill it is if all these "heroes" get together as an X-Men-ish group, but, it's still watchable now.

'Til Death (Fox)
This show was much better when Ray Romano played the Brad Garrett role. It's still funny, if not insanely derivative. And this makes how many sitcoms Joely Fisher has been in? At least 50?

Smith (CBS)
This show is the only reason I've watched CBS since, shit, Falcon Crest went off the air. And it really wasn't worth the wait. I mean, I like Ray Liotta and all, but he just isn't Ray enough on this show. (Ray Liotta fans know exactly what I'm talking about.) May require a couple more viewings. The episode where the guys break into a National Guard armory carrying a kitten was adorable, though.

Shark (CBS)
In truth, I found another reason to watch CBS. James Woods, in recent years, has dialed it down quite a bit. I was beginning to miss the old coked-out, manic Jimmy Woods. But, he's back here. Shark would be infinitely better if Woods was allowed to say "fuck" every other word, but this is network TV. And decent network TV, at that. Ray Liotta should take some tips from Woods, and play up his lunatic tendencies.

Standoff (Fox)
When you make a show called Standoff, you might expect the show to focus more on standoffs, and less on whether the two main characters are fucking. No such luck here. Not good at all.

Friday Night Lights (NBC)
Movie-to-TV show adaptations are shaky at best, but I got a good feeling about this one. I have a obsidian heart, and an adamantium spine, but I'll admit I got a little choked up in the last 20 minutes. Fuckin' sports shows love to do that shit: play with mens' emotions. If every episode is like this, I might actually think about shedding a tear. Just maybe. And it's nice to see that Connie Britton made the movie-to-TV show transition. Very rare these days; brings some credibility to the proceedings.

Justice (Fox)
Yet another slick Jerry Bruckheimer procedural show, this time with defense attorneys. And this show does what no other lawyer show does, and that's portray defense attorneys for what they are: lawyers, not bleeding hearts out to save the world pro bono. It also features a cast made up almost entirely of actors from shows canceled in the last year or so. Which is great, since one of them is Victor Garber, and him reading aloud from The Washington Post would be more interesting than most of the shit on TV. Well worth a watch.

Dexter (Showtime, of all places)
Who knew that the best pilot I've seen all year would be on fucking Showtime, the red-headed stepchild of premium cable? What's not to love about this premise: a forensic pathologist who moonlights as a vigilante serial killer of other serial killers, all while playing a cat-and-mouse game with yet another serial killer. If the rest of the season delivers as much as the pilot did, this may be the best show on TV. Along with Weeds and Bullshit!, it's the only reason to watch Showtime.

By Reader Request

I consider myself an Aaron Sorkin fan. I've enjoyed everything he's written (with the exception of Sports Night, which, I don't know, just didn't seem that good). So, needless to say, I was pretty stoked when he decided to come back to television with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

The verdict is still out on this one. The writing is great, but maybe Sorkin just isn't suited for this material. It's nowhere near as smart or well-written as The West Wing (which won the Best Drama Emmy every year Sorkin, who also wrote every episode, was with the show). There's a weird religious undertone to the show which seems out of place.

The casting also leaves something to be desired. Oh sure, Bradley Whitford is great in the Bradley Whitford part, and Matt Perry has dialed the Chandler down enough to be entertaining, but some of the other choices just don't work. Allison Janney would have been much better in Amanda Peet's role. (And why can you still see Amanda's teeth, even when her mouth is closed?) And Steven Weber just doesn't work in a role that, well, Tim Daly should have played. (How's that for a Wings mix-and-match?) And don't even get me started on the "cast." They should pick up Horatio Sanz and Chris Parnell now that they've been kicked off SNL; at least those guys have actually been on a sketch comedy show.

Like I said, verdict's still out on this one. Hopefully, even though it's doing so shitty in the ratings, it will stick around long enough to turn into something good. I sure hope so; there's gotta be at least one decent thing to watch on TV.

CSI Got Pantsed

Ever since CSI moved to its Thursday 9/8c timeslot, it has never lost that timeslot. In fact, it is consistently the highest-rated show of the year. (Actually, American Idol is the highest-rated show, but I won't even acknowledge that as a TV show.)

Then, something funny happened. ABC decided that Grey's Anatomy had gotten its sealegs, and no longer needed its Desperate Housewives lead-in, and moved Grey's against CSI. And, guess what: CSI lost.

Mind you, both show garnered more than 20 million viewers, which is a lot for just two shows, but CSI still lost.

I've got one thing to say about this whole thing: Fuck you, Jerry Bruckheimer; stings, don't it, big boy. There's a reason that Law & Order is no longer a top 10 show, and I think you just figured out why. Bravo.

Reason #2,596 Not To Remake A Movie

I'm not telling you anything new when I say I don't like remakes. If you want to see a movie, go fucking see the original; it's always better than the remake. And, of course, it's the case with the remake of The Wicker Man.

First off, there's no reason to remake The Wicker Man. When the original was released in 1973, it was not well-received. Only in the 33 years since its release has a gained an avid cult following. A CULT following, meaning that really no one has still seen it. Popular movies like Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre have huge followings, and the greedy cocksuckers who produce the remakes know they can mine the nostalgia of the original films to line their own dirty fucking pockets. (Bitter much?) But Wicker Man? No one saw it the first time around; who's going to see the remake? (Me, apparently, but that might have something to do with my borderline retardation.)

Of course, as is the case with all remakes, the producers feel they have something new to bring to the movie, and feel the need to change the original story. And this is what completely destroys The Wicker Man. Rather than, like in the original, having a plain old pagan society, you have a pagan society where the men are subservient to the women. Not a big deal, but it's a detail that doesn't improve the movie at all; makes it a little worse, actually. And, while the concept of pagans, dressed up like animals, singing and dancing about, may have mirrored the hippy, dippy vibe of 1973, that same concept comes off as pretty hokey 33 years later. (At least we don't have to experience Christopher Lee singing and dancing in this one. It's a scary thing.)

The worst change that Neil LaBute, who wrote and directed the movie, has made is that he extracted all of the intelligence from Anthony Shaffer's original story. The whole Christian v. Pagan, Science v. Religion argument, that made the original film at least moderately interesting, is gone. There's no reason for Nick Cage to dislike the citizens of Summersisle, other than the fact the women don't like men. Ed Woodward didn't like them in the original because he was a devout Catholic. At the ending of the original, Ed Woodward actually postulates a scientific explanation for the crops failing. Nick Cage just goes out screaming. That's some terrible writing.

At least LaBute was smart enough not to bitch out on the ending of the original. Turning it into an feel-good ending would have been a killable offense. However, he did feel the need to tack on an absolutely idiotic epilogue that really blows the air out of the surprising ending. Way to go, moron.

All and all, a pretty rough experience. Avoid like poison ivy.

Something Else I Learned From The Wicker Man

The actress pictured above, whose name is Kate Beahen, and plays the mother of the missing girl in The Wicker Man, is not the same actress as this woman,

whose name is Vera Farmiga, and got a blow job from Paul Walker in Running Scared.

Learn something new every day.

I Guess This Makes My Morten Andersen Jersey Good Again

Earlier this week, the Atlanta Falcons announced that they were bringing in a new kicker to take over placekicking duties for kicking phenom Michael Koenen after the Falcons discovered that he couldn't actually kick fieldgoals. So, they brought in the best kicker they've ever had (and possibly the best kicker ever): 46 year old Morten Andersen.

Since Mort is back in the league, I guess I can bring my Andersen jersey out of retirement. Mind you, it's a Saints jersey, and Andersen hasn't played for the Saints in 10 years, but, hey, it's a Morten Andersen jersey. You find another one of those in existence, and I'll give you a kick in the balls for being a smartass.

Take that how you will.

Change This/That Channel!

There's a reality show on TV called Flip This House that I enjoy. It's about a Charleston, SC, property development company that buys properties, fixes them up, and sell them for a profit. Hence, the title, Flip This House. Until recently, I had no idea what channel this show was on. I would just see it in the TiVo guide and flip to it.

So, the other day, while flipping through the guide, I see there's a marathon of what I thought was Flip This House on TLC. I go to TLC, and find out that it's an entirely different show. Same concept, different show. This is when The Girl informed me that Flip This House was on A&E. What I was watching was Flip That House, not Flip This House. How confusing is that!

This is made even more confusing by the fact that A&E has two other versions of Flip This House that they air. So, when you flip to it, you never know what you're going to get.

Oh well. I guess that just means I watch too much TV.

iTunes 7.0 Is Pretty Much Shit

In the auto industry, every so often, they come out with a new model of a car. Sure, cars change every year, but, every five years or so, they junk it out and come out with a whole new version. Software is the same way. There are lots of upgrades, but they do occasionally come out with brand new versions. And iTunes, which has been essentially unchanged since its creation, is "all new for 2007." And it's all bad.

I really liked iTunes 6.0: the luminescent buttons and scrollbars that glowed blue when you used them; the simple drop-down interface on the left side. It was a nice piece of software. ITunes 7.0: not so much. The blue buttons have been replaced by ugly gun-metal grey ones that do no sort of glowing; the buttons on the top and bottom aren't even the same color, kinda throwing the pleasing aesthetic of the whole thing out of whack. The menu bar on the left side is now broken up into different categories that drop down that don't even fit in the space allotted in the sidebar. When you plug in your iPod, instead of going to its library, it brings up the setup screen, which is great, if you want to change the settings on your iPod every time you plug it in, but mildly annoying if you just want to listen to some fucking music.

iTunes 7 does have some nice new features, however. I like how you can flip through all of the album covers and see what songs you have from those albums. And I like the counter that shows how many unlistened to podcasts and unfinished downloads you have. But, other than that, there is no improvement on the old iTunes; just more to hate.

George Lucas Is A Motherfucker

I respect an artist's integrity and the choices he makes to protect it, but, when his choices just fuck with people, that's just wrong. And George Lucas is that kinda guy.

None of what follows will be any surprise to Star Wars fans, but I'll recount the whole thing just for posterity's sake. It all started back in 1997, when George Lucas decided to rerelease the three original Star Wars movies as a gear-up for the impending release of The Phantom Menace. Instead of doing just a plain, old rerelease, he went back and reedited and changed the movies to correct things that he thought were wrong with the movies. (I, personally, never had any problems with these new versions, except for Star Wars. Not to sound like a fucking film geek, but the "Greedo shot first" thing is gay.)

Following the theatrical release, the "revisions" were released on video, but VHS only; no DVD. These were now the "official" versions of the films. The original versions (like the aforementioned version of Star Wars that I preferred, that had had seven previous video releases) were no longer available. They also came out with a fourth version of the trilogy boxset that was nothing but the revisions. But, once again, no DVD. Disappointing, but Star Wars fans made due.

Jump ahead seven years, and now there's a DVD boxset of the revised movies. Seeing as VHS is essentially a dead format, this is huge news, as no one owned them on DVD until now, and Lucas was even nice enough to add a ton of extras and even make additional changes to the movies (like adding Hayden Christensen at the end of Jedi). Needless to say, everyone (including me, who had never owned any of the previous versions of the movies) went out and bought that set. Even if you preferred the old versions, you bought them, as they're the only thing available on DVD.

Until tomorrow, that is. On September 12, Lucasfilms is releasing the DVDs again, this time with the original versions of the films as a bonus disc for each movie. Remember that original version of Star Wars that I liked? Well, now I can own it on DVD. Too bad I already own that version I don't care for so much (and I don't buy shit twice).

I have one thing to say on this whole thing: Make up your fucking mind. You're either going to go with the originals or the revisions. Stop rereleasing the fucking things. If you're going to take them away, take them away forever; don't say they're gone, and then release them a year and a half later. In fact, if you'd've done this the first time, you could have saved some money by not having to release these things twice in such a short time.

Oh well. When you have all the money in the world, and sole control of the most popular movies in the world, I guess you can do whatever the fuck you want. Even if it means acting like a real motherfucker to your fans. Thanks bunches, George.

No One Really Cares

Earlier in the week, Brad Pitt made the announcement that, unless the government took steps to approve gay marriage, he and Angelina Jolie would not get married.

Hmmm, let me check something out. The world didn't end, there were no disasters, no national guard troops deployed to Malibu, no new legislation was passed: everything remained the same after this Earth-shattering news. I guess no one cared.

Not that I'm surprised. It's just another case of some fucking celebrity thinking that what he says is important in any kind of way. It's especially worse coming from a guy who left his hot wife and a life of luxury in California to go to deepest, darkest Africa and carry around a baby with a woman who's been around the block more times than the mail man.

Sounds like someone I'd take all my advice from, seeing as he doesn't even know what a good trade is.

Best Buy Will Totally Anally Rape You

Seeing as I was about to upgrade to HD cable, and TiVo has an impending HD box coming out, I figured it was about time to upgrade to free up some of those component video inputs on my TV. So, I decided to buy an HD DVD player. Mind you, not a true HD DVD player, like the one Toshiba makes, as those players are insanely expensive, and there are two competing formats (Blu-Ray is the other) and I don't want to get stuck with Beta (if you know what I mean), but an "up-convert" model that plays conventional DVDs in HD. I did some on-line shopping, and found a Samsung DVD/VCR player that did what I wanted at Best Buy. (I found a Sony that was virtually the same as my current player, but, for some reason, Best Buy only offers that one on-line.) So, of I went to Best Buy.

The first thing I looked for was an HDMI cable, the wondrous audio/video connector that makes 1080p resolution possible. And Best Buy had plenty of them. Unfortunately, some of them cost as much as the player itself. Their cheapest one was $60. Nigga, please. (I later picked up an HDMI cable, a surge protector, and an S-video cable for $45 at Wal-Mart. Sixty bucks, my ass.)

The next problem I ran into was they didn't appear to have the model I wanted in stock. Oh sure, they have the demo model, but none in stock. Every other DVD player, they got. But not this one. I waited approximately six hours for someone to help me, and, finally, I was given the one I wanted. (I don't know what it is with Best Buy: If you're just browsing, they're all over you; if you're buying, it's like a fucking ghost town.)

So, I get it home, get everything hooked up, and...it only played discs distributed by Anchor Bay. Which is fine, if I only wanted to watch The Beyond or Army of Darkness, but not so good for everything else. (I will say that The Beyond looks absolutely great in 1080i; too bad it doesn't improve the quality of the actual movie any.) Needless to say, I was mildly pissed.

Back to Best Buy I went, where I exchanged it for another one, hoping that this was just a problem with that unit, and not every one of that model. When I got it home, this one worked. (Thank Christ.) And everything I played on it looked great. Everyone (and by "everyone," I mean "me") was happy.

If you're still rolling with the old analog equipment, you pretty much need to upgrade as soon as possible. And if you're cable isn't HD, you need to get that, too; you have no idea what you're missing. Just maybe avoid Best Buy, if possible.

The Crocodile Hunter Finally Gets His Comeuppance

Talk about irony: Steve Irwin, who has wrestled crocodiles, grabbed poisonous snakes with his bare hands, and had countless run-ins with hundreds of dangerous beasts, finally got killed by a stingray, an animal I myself (and thousands of others) have had a non-lethal encounters with at Sea World.

Seriously, it was only a matter of time. You'd think maybe he would have learned from the example of Roy Horn, who got mauled by a white tiger that actually lived with the guy. If your own pets are going to try and kill you, don't be surprised when a totally random stingray decides to kill your ass.

Oh well. It was a nice run while it lasted. Have fun in that great animal sanctuary in the sky, Steve.