Four More Guys From This Picture Are Going To The Hall Of Fame

Four more players from this picture have been nominated to join the six already in the Basketball Hall of Fame. The remaining three aren't already in because they're either a) not eligible until next year, or b) Christian Laettner.

My thoughts on this year's nominees:

Michael Jordan
Depending on your school of thought, probably the best basketball player ever. There's really no need to discuss him any further; he's one of the reasons basketball was invented. And while his bona fides are indisputable, he somewhat damaged his legacy by retiring twice and coming back both times, the second time to a different team in a different city, where he was merely an "All-Star." An absolute lock; anything less than 100% of the vote is an insult.

David Robinson
Excepting (unfortunately) Shaquille O'Neal, the dominant center during the '90s. He almost single-handedly drug the Spurs into the playoffs every year he played, and the one year he missed, the Spurs were so bad that they got the #1 pick and drafted Tim Duncan. Shoo-in.

John Stockton
While he is not the greatest all-around point guard in history, there was no one better at passing the ball. The only player in history to have 1000 assists more than once (something he did seven times). After he broke the career assist mark, he tacked on another 5000 just for the hell of it. In fact, if it weren't for Stockton, Karl Malone wouldn't go into the Hall next year. And pretty good defensive player to boot, with at least 700 more steals than Jordan, Payton, and Alvin Robertson. This guy's numbers automatically put him in the Hall.

Chris Mullin
The weakest of the four, Mullin was THE small forward in the late '80s/early '90s. A consistent top 10 scorer who would absolutely kill you from 3-point land. He was the man in Golden State's "Run TMC" days, but was shoved to the wayside once their offense was retooled for Sprewell and Webber. If anything, the fact that he went from one of the best players in the NBA to a third option in a year, a move from which he never recovered, hurts his chances in the Hall.

We'll find out in April who goes in.

Oh, and Jerry Sloan, Don Nelson, Bernard King, and D.J. are up for the Hall, too. But they're not in that picture, so who cares about them.

Meet Your New Sports Illustrated Cover Model

Israeli model Bar Refaeli became Sports Illustrated's new Swimsuit issue cover model today. It's her first cover appearance.

For those of you not in "the know," Refaeli is the girl that Leonardo DiCaprio dumped Gisele for. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think Leo can upgrade to anything else. If he breaks up with Bar, he should expect a life of celibacy, because he's not going to do any better than that.

But Leo is apparently willing to go to the ends of the Earth to find beautiful women. Bar is from Israel, a country not necessarily known for its beauties. Maybe there's some island in the South Atlantic inhabited by nothing but beautiful Amazon women.

If there is, I'm sure Leo will find it. And the world will thank him.

"Raise Your Hand If You're A Steroid User"

It has not been a good couple of weeks for baseball. First, it became public that the Feds have steroid-tainted samples of Barry Bonds' urine. Then, it turns out that Miguel Tejada probably did inject Ralph Palmeiro with more than just B-12. (Have you noticed that Tejada's numbers have trailed off considerably since 2005? Odd coincidence, that.)

But the real bombshell was when it was revealed that Alex Rodriguez, the highest-paid player in sports, was among the 104 players who tested positive for steroids during MLB's 2003 exploratory sampling that led to its current steroid testing policy. Not that anyone's really surprised...

A-Rod claims that he started taking steroids when he was signed to the Texas Rangers for the most money ever. Rodriguez claims he felt he needed to live up to the incredible expectations of his contract, so he took steroids. Not that that would be a problem on the Rangers, which, at the time, were probably the most juiced team in baseball. In '01, they had Ralph Palmeiro, who...duh; Pudge Rodriguez, who lost 30 pounds as soon as baseball started testing for steroids; Ken Caminiti, an unrepentant steroid user and whistleblower; and, later, Juan Gonzalez and John Rocker. Not a hard place to get steroids.

Now, mind you, when A-Rod tested positive, he tested positive for something that wasn't illegal in baseball. But that's because the players were taking the most high-tech performance-enhancing drugs possible, and baseball was testing for shit like Quaaludes.

What's this mean for A-Rod? Probably nothing, unless he's stupid enough to test positive again. He'll still be in baseball, he'll still win more MVPs, he'll still have all of his record-breaking numbers. But, in the mind of every sports fan, he'll have that big red asterisk next to his name.

I bet the Yankees wish they hadn't opted to take A-Rod for another 10 years. No one likes being that team, the one with the well-known steroid user; just ask the Giants.

Last Five Movies - Oscar Edition

I will say right out that I actually had to squeeze in more movies than necessary, as I didn't want to have to describe the indescribably bad Benjamin Button, which may win the Best Adapted Screenplay award for adapting the screenplay of Forrest Gump into this. Anyway, here ya go:

Rachel Getting Married (2008)
If you can make it through the almost-unbearable first half of this, it has a pretty good second half. If nothing else, the acting is top-notch all the way through.

The Reader (2008)
I'll echo what every critic has said about this movie and say that, if not for the acting of Kate Winslet, this movie be run-of-the-mill. And if you can't figure out the "twist" about 15 minutes in, you need to visit the doctor, because your brain has died.

Revolutionary Road (2008)
Another example of the quiet discontent of the Eisenhower years; think: a movie version of Mad Men. I will say that while it's very well-written, no one in the history of the English language has ever spoken like this; the dialogue is too eloquent by half. They might as be speaking in Shakespearean iambic pentameter.

Changeling (2008)
This, somehow, only got nominated for three Oscars when it deserved many more. A surprising movie, as it turns out to be about more than you think. Followers of L.A. true crime will recognize the story immediately, but others will be in for a surprise. Yet another winner by Eastwood.

Doubt (2008)
Most movies hope to get one nomination for acting. This got four, so you know you're going to see something here. There's a reason why Meryl Streep has been nominated 15 times, and you only need to watch this (what I would consider probably her best role) to understand why. Oh, and everybody else is pretty good, too.

And the award for Best Picture goes to...

Coraline (2009)
So, I cheated on this one. No, it's not nominated for any Oscars this year, nor is it even eligible, as it came out two days ago, but if this doesn't win Best Animated Picture next year, they should probably just not give out that Oscar anymore. Absolutely beautiful and creepy in the best way possible, in hand-articulated stop-motion animation that makes the Herculean effort behind computer-animating movies like WALL-E and Kung Fu Panda seem simple by comparison. It's a shame that only Nick Park and Henry Selick make these kinds of movies anymore, as they seem more impressive (and are generally better) than their computer-animated brethren. A must-see for animation fans, although I will caution any parents that this really isn't for little kids; they will be freaked out.

Check it out anyway.

"I Make How Much Now, Ya Say?"

The release of Major League Baseball's most recent corporate tax return has revealed that, in 2007, Bud Selig, the sport's commissioner, was the fourth-highest paid person in all of baseball, with a salary of $17.5 million. Only Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, and Jason Giambi (who, not coincidentally, were all on the Yankees payroll) made more than Selig. In fact, in the "Big Three" sports, only a handful of players made more than Selig. He's also the highest-paid official in all of sports by several million dollars.

It's good to know that in these trying financial times, when CEOs are being drug over the coals for making a couple of million a year, that someone running shit can still get paid.

I Am Proven Resounding Wrong

Two weeks ago, I made a comment that I didn't suspect anyone would watch the Super Bowl, as who would want to watch the Steelers and Cardinals play?

Turns out, everyone would.

Super Bowl 43 became the third-most watched TV program ever, falling only behind the series finale of M*A*S*H and last year's Super Bowl. I tried not to contribute to the viewership at all, but happened to catch the last 10 minutes, which, apparently, was all you needed to see.

I will say that it was impressive to see Ben Roethlisberger, who now has more Super Bowl wins than complete seasons played, go Joe Montana on the Cardinals in the last minute and a half and ruin the beatification of Kurt Warner, who now has as many Super Bowl losses as MVPs. But, even though it did eventually turn out to be a competitive nail-biter, it was still a game between the Steelers and Cardinals.

Just goes to show you that people will watch anything that's called "Super Bowl."

Coach Fired For Being Too Good

Sometimes, you can be too good.

Last week, the Covenant School's girl's basketball team beat Dallas Academy in a 100-0 blowout. Shortly after the win, school officials posted a public apology to Dallas Academy for needlessly running the score up against a team whom they obviously outmatched. In his own defense, team coach Micah Grimes posted his own "apology," claiming that he wasn't sorry that Dallas Academy got beat and that his girls played with "honor" and "integrity." For this he was fired.

Ya know, this kinda reminds me of the time back in 2003, when some reporter twat asked Geno Auriemma what he going to say to keep his team from losing after getting knocked out of the Big East tournament. Auriemma responded with something to the effect of "We just lost a game after 70 straight wins. What could I possibly say?" Auriemma had to apologize for that, even though he was right and UConn would win the national championship that year and would go on to win another 15 straight games on their way to another championship the following year.

Isn't this why we hire coaches: to win? I don't see anyone complaining when, despite being the lowest form of sportsmanship, Greg Popovich breaks out the Hack-a-Shaq defense whenever the Spurs play Phoenix. Why? Because he's consistently one of the best coaches in the NBA and he wins championships (four in 10 years). I don't see anyone in the Spurs organization apologizing for Popovich using one of the shittiest defensive tactics known to man.

Of course, the Spurs have never beat anyone 100-0. Maybe that's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

And the Nominees Are...

So, here's the Oscar thing again:

Performance by an actor in a leading role
With the exception of Brad Pitt, who really shouldn't be here, there's a lot of good guys in this category. But I think it's a foregone conclusion that Mickey Rourke will win this. It's nice to see perpetual "That Guy" Richard Jenkins get nominated, though.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
I'd love to see Robert Downey, Jr. win this, as that shit was hilarious, but this category is haunted by an extremely popular ghost.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
This is probably the one category that's a complete toss-up. If you look at all the other award shows and presentations up until now, I think every one of these actresses has won something for these roles. This one is going to come down to votes. There may even be a recount.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
For my money, it's between Penelope Cruz and Marisa Tomei, with the edge to Cruz because Tomei has already won once. That being said, neither will probably win.

Best animated feature film of the year
Wall-E makes the other two look like flip-book animation.

Achievement in costume design
Every year, there's that one movie that gets nominated for everything, even in categories that it doesn't deserve to, just because everyone seems to think it's the greatest movie ever. I'm surprised that Benjamin Button wasn't nominated for Best Foreign Film as well.

Achievement in sound editing and sound mixing
Two years ago, I postulated a conspiracy theory about the winners of these two categories which turned out to be true. I'd bet my money the same way this year.

Achievement in film editing
I don't understand why Dark Knight and Benjamin Button are nominated here, as both of those movies needed a reel or two edited out of them.

Achievement in makeup
I wouldn't be able to understand anything but Hellboy winning this.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
So...we're back to three songs again? Will there be a year when there's only two? Or maybe six?

Achievement in visual effects
Again with Benjamin Button. If that beats Iron Man, I'll break your TV (because why would I break mine?).

Adapted screenplay
If there was ever a category about which I could care less, this is it.

Original screenplay
Although it will most certainly lose, In Bruges was the best out of all those movies. In my mind, at least.

Achievement in directing
David Fincher. Not that he deserves it, but he's who will win it.

Best motion picture of the year
It will be Benjamin Button. It is not a good movie and doesn't merit an Oscar, but since Forrest Gump won an Oscar, and Benjamin Button is a less-clever version of that, it will win the Oscar. That, and because Oscar voters are typically stupid and vote for exactly what you would think they would vote for. And I think they're stupid enough to vote for this.

I'd also like to point out the complete drubbing of Clint Eastwood. One of the most respected and prolific directors, whose films have been nominated 19 times (including three Best Pictures) and won seven Oscars in the past five years, puts out two movies in '08 and gets a whopping three nominations. Gran Torino, the weaker of the two, is at least twice as good as Benjamin Button.

The Academy is nothing if not fickle. At least they had the common sense to only give The Dark Knight seven nominations.

Lost: Now 25% More Goofy!

In case you missed the season premiere of Lost last night, I just wanted to inform you that it's become the goofiest show in the history of television. Goofier than The Prisoner, goofier than Small Wonder, even goofier than Woops!, a sitcom about nuclear holocaust. Nope, Lost takes the cake.

First, we're led to believe that the show takes place in the present, with occasional flashbacks to reveal the backgrounds of the characters. Then, we learn that the whole show has been a flashback, with occasional flashes into present day. Now, the show is occurring in (at least) two different time periods: one in the present and one two years ago.

That doesn't even take into account all the other crazy shit that has happened on the show. When Hurley briefly summed up the first four seasons to his mother during the second of last night's episodes, it made me realize how preposterous this show actually is. I've seen every episode and actually understand what's going on, and I'm still confused as hell.

Still, it's a sign of good TV that even though a show is as perpetually goofy as Lost is, I can't wait for the next episode to air. We'll see what craziness happens next week.

At Least The 3-D Was Better

3-D filmmaking has been around for a long time. It first gained popularity in the '50s as one of the gimmicks used by studios to get people away from television and back into theatres. It fell out of popularity, but made a comeback in the '80s as a way to make crappy horror and action movies seem better before disappearing again. It's back in full effect now, with movies in 3-D coming out all the time.

But those movies are 2-D movies that have been "ported" to 3-D, movies like Polar Express and Nightmare Before Christmas. Movies that are actually made to be shown in 3-D, with shit jumping out of the screen, are as rare as a good horror movie, so it's rather ironic that the newest "true" 3-D movie is a crappy remake of the crappy '80s horror movie My Bloody Valentine.

I'm somewhat of a 3-D neophyte, having only previously seen one movie in 3-D, that being Spy Kids 3-D. But that was only half in 3-D, and the 3-D was so bad that it gave The Girl an aneurysm-level headache. (I've also seen the partially-3-D movie The Mask in an unusual 3-D TV broadcast which was particularly brutal, and while I own a pair of 3-D glasses from Hondo, I've never actually seen that movie, in 3-D or any other format.)

Having seen My Bloody Valentine 3-D, I can safely say 3-D technology has advanced leaps and bounds in five years. Gone are the blue and red-lensed glasses that create the 3-D image, but make everything look blue and red. Gone are the two projectors needed to simulate 3-D. Gone are the side effects of headaches and distorted images from not staring directly at the screen. My Bloody Valentine 3-D has almost View-Master-like 3-D effects. All the colors look like what they're supposed to. The glasses are more like Ray-Bans than the cheap pieces of cardboard and cellophane they used to be. The 3-D was so great that it's a damn shame the movie was so awful. In fact, if you plan on seeing My Bloody Valentine 2-D, I'll tell you to skip it, as watching a perfectly awful 3-D movie in 2-D is a waste of your time. (You'd better skip it on video as well, unless they perfect 3-D home video by then.) The 3-D in Spy Kids 3-D may have sucked, but at least the movie had the decency to be remotely entertaining.

If this is the direction that 3-D filmmaking is going, I suspect this won't be my last 3-D experience. However, if the movies are all this stupid, I may have to reevaluate my position.

I went this long without enjoying 3-D; I can go even longer.

P.S. I now remember that I saw Captain EO during a trip to Epcot back in '83, and that was in 3-D. Twenty five years ago, and that 3-D was better than Spy Kids 3-D.

Cardinals Advance To Least-Watched Super Bowl Ever

By some strange twist of fate, the Arizona Cardinals, one of the lowliest franchises in the history of football, will be playing the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl 43.

I'm not sure of the terms of the contract that Kurt Warner signed with Satan, but I would have thought that winning two MVPs and a Super Bowl with the Rams would have been enough to make God cry, but apparently I'm wrong.

And I'm not sure what the television-viewing fanbase of the Pittsburgh Steelers is, but I can't see it being enough to keep this from being the least-watched Super Bowl ever, 'cause you know there aren't any Cardinals' fans, and why would anyone else watch this (other than for the commercials)?

We'll see if I'm proved wrong in two weeks.

Number Six Goes To The Big House In The Sky

Patrick McGoohan, star of Danger Man and star, writer, director and co-creator of the seminal '60s show The Prisoner, has died at age 80.

This will go unnoticed by the general public, seeing as McGoohan's most high-profile role in America was King Edward Longshanks in Braveheart, but fans of The Prisoner will mourn the passing of the last remaining link to the show's strange plot and inner meaning. That, and he always seemed like a pretty classy guy.

We'll miss ya, Pat.

And Your New Hall Of Famers Are...

Rickey Henderson, who had enough stats for two Hall of Famers, and Jim Rice, who gets elected in the 11th hour of his eligibility.

Henderson was a no-brainer in his first year of eligibility. Sure, he's the all-time leader in runs, #2 in walks, probably the best lead-off hitter ever, but what he's known for is the stolen base. Here's a guy who put the single-season standard so high that it takes most guys two or three seasons to get that many. (Just for reference, last year, there were only five TEAMS that managed to accumulate more steals than Henderson had by himself in 1982.) He was nearly untouchable on the basepaths, with an 80% steal rating. After setting the all-time steal record with 939, he tacked on another 500 just for good measure. In fact, the only reason it took so long for Henderson to get elected was that he refused to retire.

Jim Rice, on the other hand, has always been a harder sell. Looking at his stat totals is nothing impressive; he's not in the top 50 of any of the major statistical categories. But what you need to keep in mind is that Rice only played 16 years. If you tack another five years of stats on there, he's got 500 homers, he's got 1800 RBI, maybe even 3000 hits. To see Rice's stats for what they are, you need to look at the seasonal level. This is where you see that Rice hit for power and average, that he was top 10 in nearly every stat category during his career. If you ask pitchers from that era who the most dangerous hitter was, the unanimous answer tends to be "Jim Rice." In fact, if Rice had a better relationship with the press, which hated him and just so happens to vote for Hall of Famers, he might've been in by now. But they finally cut him a break and let the poor man in.

Congrats to everyone. It's been a long time coming for both of you.

"Brewers Sign Pitcher Not Named Sabathia"

Today, in a move to keep themselves in playoff form, the Brewers signed relief pitcher Trevor Hoffman, baseball's all-time saves leader. This, of course, after letting CC Sabathia go to the Yankees, who already have every other player and might as well have that one too.

Much like the Brewers' signing of Eric Gagne three years ago, this would have been a great signing around the turn of the century. At 41, Hoffman is on the downside of his career, and, barring a steroid-fueled breakout, he'll be good for about 30 saves: exactly what you'd get from any guy who you let pitch the last inning of any win.

For the honor of having the all-time save leader on their team, the Brewers had to give up Sabathia, whom I have no problem calling the best pitcher in the NL last year. Sure, he only pitched 17 games, but I defy you to find another pitcher who had a better 17-game streak than Sabathia. This, they'll give up for a guy who...well, there's a lot of closers out there.

Oh well. If nothing else, the Brewers can now play "Hell's Bells" when they bring in their closer without feeling like ripoffs.

Last Five Movies

The Spirit (2008)
One of the silliest things committed to film in recent history. It's bad, but in a good way. I understand what Frank Miller is trying to accomplish, but it comes off as odd in a movie made in 2008 rather than 1958. Lots of intentional laughs, the least of which is the sight of Sam Jackson in full Nazi regalia.

Valkyrie (2008)
This movie has gotten an absolutely terrible rap, mainly due to the fact that Tom Cruise is in it. Despite the many opportunities for it, there aren't as many "I want the TRUTH!" moments here as you may expect; Cruise is actually fairly subdued in it. In fact, if it were anyone BUT Cruise, I think people would take to it better. Still, it's pretty good.

"The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (1981)
The TV series version of the novelization of the radio series written by Douglas Adams. This is of the highest order of geekdom, influencing pop culture to this day (AltaVista's Babel Fish and Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" take their names from it). Your tolerance of this will depend on your tolerance of the driest and silliest of British "humour."

The Wrestler (2008)
A movie about where has-been professional wrestlers literally go to die. The fact that Mickey Rourke has aged badly and has plastic surgeried his face to near-unrecoginizability really helps sell him as a wrestler who has gone from his late-'80s WrestleMania heyday to wrestling in high school gyms. There are only two wrestling movies better than this: Hitman Hart and Beyond the Mat. But those are both documentaries about real wrestlers. This is as good as "fake" wrestling movies get.

Lots of Oscar bait out at this time of year, and, if it wasn't so damn depressing, The Wrestler may have been better than...

Gran Torino (2008)
It's scary to think that Clint Eastwood is actually age-appropriate to play the racist, retired auto worker in this, his probable last on-screen role. I suspect Clint will keep directing (hell, Sidney Lumet is still directing at 84), but I doubt we'll see him acting again. Which is a shame, because he's really good in it.

A fitting final role. Check it out.

The Lions Hit Rock Bottom

The curse of Bobby Layne has come to full fruition for the Detroit Lions. While folks outside of Detroit aren't that familiar with The Curse, Lions' fans have been haunted by it for 50 years. It has apparently caused futile playing, subpar coaching, bad draft choices, career-ending spinal injuries, superstars retiring in their prime, even death. All of this attributed to a man who played for the Lions 50 years ago.

Not familiar with The Curse? Basically, it goes like this: In 1958, Hall of Fame quarterback Bobby Layne, who had led the Lions to three championships in seven years, was unceremoniously traded to the Steelers. Layne hated the trade so much that he is reported to have said that the Lions wouldn't win for another 50 years. And while the Lions did actually win games in that 50 years, they didn't win many.

In the Lions first 24 years of existence, they won four championships. In the 50 years since, they've won none. In fact, they've only been to the playoffs nine times since, winning a whopping one game. Over that same period, they've managed to accumulate the worst winning percentage in the NFL, culminating in this season's 0-16 record, the only team in history to accomplish such a feat. And all of this attributed to what some bitter jackass may have said 50 years ago.

But, there is a bright side to all of this. Layne said the Lions wouldn't win for 50 years. The 50 years is up in 2008. If the Lions don't win the Super Bowl next year, they've got no excuses anymore.

They should probably just pack up the franchise and move to Oklahoma City before it gets any worse.

"Walsh Murder Solved; Dead Serial Killer Rolls Over In Grave"

On Tuesday, the Hollywood Police Department announced they had closed the murder case of Adam Walsh, one that had been standing open in their books for 27 years. The police pinned the murder on dead serial killer Ottis Toole, who had long been a suspect in the case, even confessed to the murder at one point, but against whom there was never sufficient evidence. Apparently, despite the fact that no new evidence has surfaced in the case since Toole's death 12 years ago, the police are comfortable placing the blame firmly on Toole and calling the matter closed.

I believe everyone is aware of how fucked up Los Angeles' police department and justice system are without me having to remind them, but this is some of the laziest police work in history. If you thought letting O.J. get away with a slamdunk conviction for two counts of murder was sloppy, that's nothing compared to this Walsh case.

As I mentioned before, there hasn't been any new evidence in this case since Ottis Toole, once the prime suspect, died. And there most definitely wasn't any forthcoming. I'm sure the only reason they actually decided to close this case was because they got tired of John Walsh, who turned Adam's death into a crusade to bring felons to justice, calling them every few months and asking them how the case was going. So, they picked the dead guy they liked for it anyway and blamed it on him.

Blaming this on Toole is like blaming the weather on Zeus and the other Greek gods. Sure, Toole confessed to the murder at one time, but Toole also confessed to hundreds of other murders he didn't commit. He couldn't be linked to any of those, and he couldn't be linked to this one either. I'm sure Walsh, who also long suspected Toole as the culprit, had something to do with the decision to blame this on Toole: "We'll just blame it on the dead guy Walsh likes for it; what's he going to do, deny it?"

This is a great coup for the L.A.P.D., as it opens a new avenue to close cases. I suspect within the week that they'll announce the closure the Black Dahlia case by pinning it on Henry Lee Lucas, another dead serial killer who confessed to thousands of murders he didn't commit.

Methinks that motherfucker fits the profile perfectly.

What I'm Listening To

In my pursuit to cram everything possible into my head, I'm constantly listening to new music, be it new to stores or new to me. Here's what I've been listening to lately:

Alice Cooper - Along Came a Spider
How do you not love a concept album about a serial killer who cuts legs off his victims to make his own spider? Ya know, for a guy in his 60s who plays golf five days a week, Alice Cooper can still rock. Best song: "The One That Got Away," which begins with the line, "You look like you'd fit in the trunk of my car."

T.I. - "Live Your Life"
I like this song, because it has Rhianna singing a bit of the "Numa Numa" song. That, and they play it at least once an hour on the radio. I like it when the radio tells me what to like.

AC/DC - Black Ice
It's good when bands don't change, especially when it's AC/DC and they sound exactly the same as they did on Back in Black. For two guys pushing 60, the Young brothers sound more vital than guys half their age.

The Lemonheads - The Lemonheads
I, like everyone else on the planet, wasn't aware The Lemonheads were still in existence until I saw this record. (Actually, they aren't; it's pretty much just Evan Dando now.) They were always a little too "stoner" for me, so I listened to this on a lark. What I found was a uncharacteristically hard rock record; no "It's a Shame About Ray" here. Fans of J Mascis will recognize his screeching guitar throughout. It's nice to be surprised occasionally.

David Bowie - Live Santa Monica '72
If you like the Ziggy Stardust soundtrack, you'll really like this one, which has an almost identical setlist (excepting all the songs from Aladdin Sane, which hadn't come out yet) and better sound quality. Somewhat of a "lost" record, this recording, originally recorded for radio transmission, has been traded in bootleg for 25 years. It was worth the wait.

Billy Squire - "My Kinda Lover"
Have you ever had one of those times when a song you've never cared for suddenly gets lodged in your head, and the only way to get it out, other than with a shotgun blast, is to listen to it, like, 500 times in a row? That's how I ended up purchasing this song off iTunes. Best 99 cents I've ever spent; much cheaper than shotgun shells.

Marilyn Manson - Eat Me, Drink Me
Yet more proof that you need not like an artist's entire discography to listen to them. Probably the most conventional record that Manson has ever put out; maybe that's why it's actually listenable.

I Actually Contribute To The Nielsen Ratings For Once

If you've read at least one post on this blog, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I end up hating most TV shows that everyone likes, which is why I'm invariably disappointed every year when at least one show I like gets canceled due to poor ratings. (Seriously, one every year; usually more.) With the exception of Law & Order, I particularly hate Crime Shows, because they are all pretty much the same and pretty much stupid (probably because they're all produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, or would like to make you think they are). And seeing as CBS' lineup is approximately 50% Crime Shows (the other half is sitcoms, with some Reality rounding out the mix), I'm particularly loath to watch any of their programming.

However, I have been watching The Mentalist, a new Crime Show on CBS this year, which is not all that surprising, because I end up watching most of the new fall shows to some degree. What is surprising is that not only do I enjoy it, it's the #1 show on television, something of a rarity for me. (That's a bit of a misnomer, as I've somehow managed to watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy, and that was the #1 show for a while.)

Usually, when I like a show, it's quick to be canceled. If not immediately, then somewhere not far down the line. But not The Mentalist: #1 show on television.

I'd say that America has stepped up its standards to meet mine, but, in actuality, I believe I've lowered mine. It's a Crime Show on CBS, for Christ's sake! It's official: I've become an idiot. But at least I know there's one show I watch that won't get canceled.

At least not this year.

NBC Changes Their Name To NBL (For "Nothing But Leno")

NBC, in a desperate grab to keep their late-night ratings champ from going elsewhere when he leaves The Tonight Show in six months, have announced that Jay Leno will be hosting his own primetime talk show, five nights a week. His new show will take over the 9:00pm slot on weeknights. For NBC, this is a great coup, as they get to keep Leno at NBC and out of the hands of competitors. Also, they will save millions of dollars by continuing to pay Leno's salary and maintaining his show budget, rather than plowing money into scripted programming, which costs up to three times as much an episode of The Tonight Show.

Unfortunately, for us, the TV viewers, we get stuck with five nights of Leno in primetime.

That's all fine and good, if you like Leno, but I personally haven't seen 16 of his shows in the 16 years he's been on the air. However, every year, I watch at least 16 episodes of Law & Order, a show that just happens to air in the new "Leno Slot."

And that's where we're going to get fucked. NBC is essentially turning into Fox, in that they'll only offer 10 hours of non-Leno programming during the week, as opposed to the 15 they're airing now. That's five shows that will have to go. And they'll do that by either canceling poor performers (like Law & Order, which nearly didn't come back two seasons ago) or by not making any new shows and moving everything else around to fit Leno's schedule.

I would guess they'll simply cut shows to make room for Leno, and then not make any new shows, because that's why they kept him in the first place: to eliminate that cost. If I was handicapping, I would say the shows that are gone (and NBC has helped me out by already canceling some of these) would be ER, Knight Rider, Lipstick Jungle, My Own Worst Enemy, and probably Law & Order. Three of those already air in Leno Slots, so you wouldn't even have to change the schedule. Works out good for everyone really...

Except fans of those shows. Obviously, I'm a Law & Order fan, and I actually liked My Own Worst Enemy, which joins Raines, Journeyman, Bionic Woman, and Heist in the shows-that-I-liked-which-NBC-canceled-in-less-than-a-season pile.

But fuck what I like. As long as NBC gets to keep Leno, we should all be happy.

Aren't you?

It's '90s Flashback Night (Now With Better Pictures!)

Went to a Juliana Hatfield show last night. It was kinda an impulse thing that I'd been thinking about doing for a while, but I did go, and I had a good time.

For those of you who don't remember, Juliana had a minor hit in the early '90s with the song "My Sister." She's out on tour now supporting her new record, How to Walk Away, and, oddly enough, her new book, When I Grow Up.

There were a couple of opening acts. The second one, a Massachusetts group called The Everyday Visuals, were so fey that they made the Counting Crows seem butch in comparison. Every member of the band was a multi-instrumentalist, so you had no idea who was going to be playing a guitar or keyboards on any given song. My favorite part of their set is when the lead singer, who looked like a less greasy version of Chris Robinson, jumped off the stage and loudly whispered the lyrics into the ear of a female patron.

Now THAT was gay.

Something else I noticed during all the sets: almost everyone playing a guitar would just casually lay their guitar on the floor or prop them against an amp when they weren't being played. It made me wonder why they didn't have guitar stands. I realize most of these guys are unwealthy, working musicians who can't afford luxuries like, say, guitars cabinets with two of every guitar, like what Stephen Carpenter of Deftones carries around with him. But guitar stands, just basic guitar stands, cost $10, and are in every music shop in the nation. Hell, you can even buy one that holds two guitars for less than twice the price. They're such a common item that even I own one. Is it possible that I make more money and am able to afford simple luxuries such as this, moreso than a working musician?

I shudder to think.

Oh, and not to post another "Where's Waldo" picture like this, but here's a picture of me at the show:


Good luck with that one.

Finally

A Las Vegas judge yesterday managed to do what no other judge has been able: to put O.J. Simpson behind bars.

I've heard a lot of people say that "They" are out to get O.J. Well, that's probably true, but wouldn't you be out to get a guy who got away with double murder, all because of a racist cop and gloves that O.J. couldn't fit over three other pairs of gloves?

And that civil suit, that was supposed to punish O.J.? That was a joke. O.J. never went poor. O.J. was never homeless. O.J. was never stealing shi...well, that one he DID do.

Have fun in prison, O.J. You've earned it.

Time Travel Is Confusing

Last night's episode of Terminator featured a storyline in which a Terminator accidentally traveled back in time all the way to the '20s. Which showed me two things: That time travel on the show doesn't work as I thought it did, and that Terminators are stupid.

I guess I always assumed there was some limitation on time travel in the Terminator universe, a reason why they could only travel into the present. Any time there is a situation where Skynet sent a Terminator back to get at the Connors, it was always into the present. I guess I just figured that maybe the Terminators could only travel, at most, 45 years into the past.

But then, here's this Terminator that goes back 100 years, in a botched attempt to assassinate the Governor of California, which blows my theory out of the water. It also raises the question, if the Terminators are able to travel that far back in time, why don't they travel farther back in time to kill off Sarah Connor and her spawn?

Let's look at the history. First, you've got a Terminator going back to '84 (which was the present at the time) to get Sarah Connor before she gets pregnant. But you've got Michael Biehn there to safeguard (and tap) that.

Then, you've got the Terminator(s) going back to '89, but this time, Sarah and John Connor are savvy to Skynet's plans, and they're looking everywhere for Terminators.

Now, you've got this show, where the Connor family actually jumps nine years into the future, and when the Terminators come back into the present, there are shitloads of people there safeguarding the Connors. At this pace, the Terminators are going to fail miserably.

It would seem to me that the smart thing to do would be to travel back to a period where the Connor clan wouldn't suspect anything, instead of just traveling into present day, where they are more than ready for any Terminator attacks. Why not go back to, say, 1876, when people didn't even understand electricity, much less time travel or artificially intelligent cyborgs? You could kill off Sarah's ancestors and change the outcome of the future. I seriously doubt you'd have much trouble killing those simple-minded motherfuckers.

But, no. The Terminators won't do the easy thing. They just keep attacking the Connors when they are at their strongest. Which would lead me to believe that Skynet and the Terminators are the stupidest machines in history.

I think there's a more practical answer, however. It's easier to make a movie or a TV show set in present day than it is to make one that takes place sometime in the past. You don't have to get "period" set dressing, you can use modern cars, you can wear modern clothing. Hell, the TV show had the Connors travel forward from '99 to '08 (something that Michael Biehn claimed was impossible in the first movie), just so they didn't have to haul out all the late-'90s set decor. So, as it turns out, the Terminators aren't so much stupid as the producers of the show are cheap.

I was hoping for a trip back to medieval times, but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon.

Axl Makes Good

There are a lot of urban legends about getting free stuff. Like the one about being able to get a free Tootsie Roll Pop if you redeemed a wrapper with the picture of an indian shooting an arrow at a star. Everyone's heard that, but is it actually true? Probably not. But that's just one example. I'm sure there are hundreds of others that got started by someone. I'm sure there are more false ones than have ever been true ones.

However, this one turned out to be true.

Honestly, I originally brought this up because I like Dr. Pepper, and was hoping that Axl Rose would stop procrastinating on this damn album and get us all some free Dr. But I, like the rest of the free world, took this at face value as a hoax and completely forgot all about it. I was even at Best Buy the day Chinese Democracy dropped, and still forgot about it.

And I think that's what Dr. Pepper was relying on, as they made the coupons for free pop available for 24 hours only. If you missed it, you missed it. Maybe they'll bring it back. But I wouldn't count on it.

BTW, the album is terrible; the absence of Izzy and Slash is a deathblow to the record and GN'R.

I suspect more people got free Dr. Peppers than will buy this album.

24 Returns

Last night marked the return of 24, coming back after a Sopranos-esque 18 month hiatus. However, it wasn't the season premiere; it was only a "prequel" movie that sets up Season Seven, which starts in January.

And while it's good to have 24 back on the air, I hated that nearly the whole thing took place in Africa, my most-hated of locales. It also appears that some of the season takes place there as well.

Maybe we'll get lucky and it won't take place in Africa. The movie isn't just the first two episodes joined together, as I first thought, but a completely standalone product they made about six months ago. And Jack does leave Africa at the end, which is a good sign.

We'll see what happens in January.

It's Time To Break Out The Old Guitar!

The Hollywood Reporter is reporting (what terrible alliteration) that both Mitchell Hurwitz and Ron Howard have signed deals with Fox to produce an Arrested Development movie.

If this really does turn out to be true, I guess it is time to break out the old guitar.

It's Almost Over

Last night, the second-to-last episode of The Shield aired. I've tried not to read any spoilers about the final episode, but, based upon what's happened so far and where the show appears to be heading, I'm going to say that the show ends with Vic Mackey going down. And I don't mean to jail; I mean into the ground. And who's gonna do it? Well, I don't won't to jinx it by telling you, but, if you go back and read any post I've written about The Shield on this blog, you'll get a pretty good idea of who I think the triggerman will be.

And, with the end of the "evil" Vic Mackey comes the end of The Shield. But, with this particular ending also comes the reason I typically hate shows like this: They make us root for the wrong guy.

Vic Mackey is obviously an anti-hero of the highest order. He bends, even breaks, the law to serve his own twisted agenda. He is inherently evil, but, still...he's the best character on the show. It's not helped by the fact that all of the "good" characters are boring and tedious. It's impossible NOT to root for the charismatic bad guy.

But, since our society and morals require that evil be punished, guys like Vic Mackey end up going down in flames. And I end up being pissed off.

Regardless of how it ends next Tuesday, it's still been a great seven-year run. I just wish it had worked out a little bit better for my favorite bad guy. Who knows; maybe he walks away in the end.

There's still hope.

Last Five Movies

Quantum of Solace (2008)
Or, The Bond Supremacy. Anything that made Casino Royale a new and fresh take on the Bond franchise is gone in favor of making, essentially, a fourth Bourne movie. In fact, I'd go so far as to say this movie isn't as good as the Bourne movies OR the last couple Brosnan Bonds, for that matter. It doesn't help that the movie is burdened with a boring villain, or that the movie is at times incomprehensible due to some Michael Bay-level editing. And if you think Quantum of Solace is a stupid title, wait until you say it aloud at the box office. Disappointing.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)
Not the worst movie Kevin Smith has made, not the best movie he's made. Like 99% of his movies, it's basically another take on Clerks. Funny as hell, but nothing we haven't seen before.

Black Belly of the Tarantula (1971)
Yet another of the 100,000,000 Italian murder mysteries that came out during the '70s. The only thing that separates this one from the other 99,999,999 is that it features three Bond Girls in various stages of undress.

Hell Ride (2008)
Really? 2008 and people are still making Pulp Fiction rip-offs? Isn't there a more recent movie people can rip-off? It's not helped by the fact this piece of crap was written, directed, and stars Larry Bishop, who directed another deplorable Pulp Fiction rip-off called Mad Dog Time back in '96, back when it was actually fashionable to do so. Let's leave the Pulp Fiction plagiarism to Tarantino, who's making an entire career out of it.

Zack and Miri is a close second, but...

Role Models (2008)
Take any romantic comedy that Kate Hudson or Anne Hathaway (who actually have a really terrible-looking joint flick coming out) has ever made, reverse the genders, and actually make it funny, and you have some idea of what Role Models is like. It's a heavily-disguised Chick Flick, with a plot that you've seen a thousand times before. But the fact that it's so goddamned funny sets it apart from the rest of its ilk. It's a great date movie that everyone will enjoy.

Check it out.

Dr. Greene Returns From The Dead

If you happened to catch last night's episode of ER about half-way through, you might have been tricked into thinking that NBC was just fucking around and airing a rerun. But no, it was a brand-new episode. And why might you think it was a rerun? Because it starred Anthony Edwards, whose character, Dr. Mark Greene, died six years ago.

Actually, the show was a half flashback, half real-time show. Other actors from the past, like Laura Innes, Abe Benrubi, and Paul McCrane made appearances as well. Admittedly, it was pretty cool to see characters that have been off the show for years reappear. And Edwards' appearance was some particularly soap opera-type shit, like when Roger Thorpe on Guiding Light returned from the dead after nine years. (Paul McCrane's character died on the show, too, but I don't think anyone remembers he was on it anyway.)

I did wonder why they didn't have more "period" characters on, like Dr. Carter or Dr. Lewis, who were on the show around that time. It must have been their days off. Maybe they'll turn up in the finale.

By the way, Eriq La Salle, who eulogized Michael Crichton, the show's creator, at the start of the episode, looks like hell. Apparently, not doing anything since leaving the show really wears a man down.

Rays Lose First World Series, And No One Notices

So, after 10 years of being the laughing stock of the American League, the Tampa Bay "Don't Call Us Devils" Rays have gone to their first World Series...and got smoked in very convincing fashion. Even with a "do over" game, they still couldn't keep from getting knocked out in five games. And, based upon the TV ratings, not a damn person cared.

This year's World Series holds the dubious distinction of being the lowest-rated Series ever, 17% lower than the previous low series. The only night the World Series won in the ratings was the night of the Obama infomercial. It was an all-around loser of a Series. Not that it's a surprise.

The previous lowest-rated series was the '06 Series between the Tigers and Cardinals. Even though those are big-market teams with large fan bases, that was like the 50th time those two have played each other in the World Series. Hell, there was one Series that was watched by no one. THAT SHIT IS BORING!

The second-lowest-rated Series was last year's contest between the Red Sox and Rockies, which is self-explanatory, as, since the Red Sox have broken their curse, and appear to be capable of winning the Series every couple years or so, they've basically replaced the Yankees as the team everyone hates. And that brings us back to, ratings-wise, the worst World Series ever.

The last team the Phillies took to the Series was a rag-tag bunch of hillbillies and scumbags that fascinated the nation. A lot of people watched that Series. This year's team aren't fascinating in the least. Other than Ryan Howard, I can't name any other Phillies. Is Von Hayes still with the team?

And as Tampa Bay is not a city, but a body of water, I can't see what kind of fanbase a team that plays there would have. (Seriously, do you know ANY fans of ANY Tampa sports team? If you say "yes," you're a fool for believing whoever told you those lies.)

So, when you put these two forces of nature together, it only stands to reason that nobody's going to watch.

I know I didn't.

ABC Doesn't Air Obama Infomercial? Blasphemy!

In opposition to all the other major networks and a couple of cable networks, ABC chose not to air Barack Obama's personal infomercial. Even Fox, which had to delay the start time of a World Series make-up game, aired the infomercial.

Instead of the infomercial, ABC aired a new episode of Pushing Daisies (the best show on TV, IMO), which might have been a bad move, since Pushing Daisies is reportedly on the cusp of being canceled due to low ratings.

I like the out-of-box thinking, which chose not to drink the Kool-Aid and made their own programming choice. "Hi, I'm Barack Obama, and I've got a half-hour infomercial all about me which we're offering to air on your network. Would you like to partake?"

"Pass." Nice move, ABC.

Rudy Ray Moore, 1927-2008

Just wanted to mention the passing of Rudy Ray Moore, better known to the world at large as Dolemite.

I'm not sure why a hard-ass pimp brother like Rudy Ray would take the name of a relatively weak, usually white mineral as a moniker, but I guess he liked the name more than the chemical properties that went along with it. I'd say obsidian or onyx would be better picks, but, hey, to each his own.

Anyway, tip out a 40 to one of the good ones.

The Annual Fall Shows Rundown

Here's a brief recap of the fall shows I've seen far, as well as my thoughts on a couple of returning shows that got the "Writers Strike short shrift," and one that has been hideously retooled:

Life on Mars (ABC)
It's always a really bad sign when, mere months before it airs, a network completely restaffs, recasts, rewrites, and reshoots a pilot episode. It basically says that that original pilot was not good at all (possibly because it had Lenny Clarke and Colm Meany in it). What I don't get is how this "new and improved" version of the pilot is an improvement, as it's a scene for scene remake of the pilot of the British version of the show, complete with allusions to future episodes of the show identical to those in the British version. Is that what this rework amounts to: copying the British show to a "T"? If so, you've got 15 episodes until you're on your own.

Gary Unmarried and Worst Week (CBS)
With dreck like this on the air, it's no wonder that the sitcom is essentially dead. What astounds me is that CBS just keeps cranking them out, all equally unfunny. They have nearly succeeded in making their programming 50% crime shows, 50% sitcoms; they air more of each than every other network combined.

My Own Worst Enemy (NBC)
A great concept: A man comes to learn that he's the split personality of a secret agent. You really couldn't come up with a better starring vehicle for Christian Slater. And Mädchen Amick, whom I hadn't seen in nearly 20 years, still looks great. All that being said, this will probably be canceled after next week.

Pushing Daisies (ABC)
Hands down, the best show on TV right now. While all the other "Talking to the Dead" shows take the "scary" route, this one turns the same concept into the blackest of comedies. The casting, the writing, the production design, everything is perfect. If you're not watching this, you probably shouldn't watch TV at all.

Lipstick Jungle (NBC)
Sex and the City without the sex (as this is network TV). I don't understand how Candice Bushnell can continue to crank this crap out, because, pushing 50, she's just about out of the demographic for this show.

The Ex List (CBS)
A psychic tells a woman that the man she will eventually marry is one she has already dated. So, she must go through her "ex list" to find Mr. Right. This is about enough material for a 90 minute movie, not a 26-hour series. In fact, I'd lay money down that there's something very similar to this airing on Lifetime as we speak.

Kath and Kim (NBC)
I don't claim to be the smartest person, but this show is either a) way too smart for me to understand, or 2) stupider than I am by half. I'll guess, um...

Sanctuary (SCI FI)
This starts out to be like Millennium, but turns into...I don't know, Munsters Go Home? Not worth a second look.

Sons of Anarchy (FX)
I generally enjoy every series on FX. Unfortunately, most of them take a while to get going, like the recently-canceled The Riches, which took two boredom-filled seasons to go nowhere. This one's a slow starter, too. I'll give it 'til the end of the season.

Eleventh Hour (CBS)
Yet another "imported from Britain" series clogging the airwaves (three of which are on CBS). This might be something I would watch...if Fox hadn't already been airing a better, nearly-identical show for the past four weeks. Yes, Fringe is the better of the "If You Liked The X-Files, You'll Love..." shows.

The Mentalist (CBS)
One of CBS's plethora of Crime Shows, it's another Psychic Who Solves Crimes Show, with a twist: the protagonist is not actually psychic, but literally played one on television. A pretty clever take on a pretty tired concept, I think this one has some wheels.

And the show that has been retooled within a inch of its life? Why, it's...

Prison Break (Fox), of course.
For a show that had the best first two seasons in recent memory, it sure has had the worst last two seasons I've ever seen, capped off by this new and improved "caper-filled" season. It's like Ocean's Eleven, except that there are only seven in the Scofield Gang. (There was even an episode set in Vegas the other week. How embarrassing.) You know it's gotten bad when the writers ankle the best villain on TV with a subplot in which he sits in an office and reads a bird book all day. (No, seriously, that's all he does.) By Season Two, this show had assembled the best cast on TV. Now, that same cast is reduced to slogging through the same plot, week after week: Steal x from y for z. They even miraculously brought back Sara Tancredi from the dead; maybe they'll bring back John Abruzzi, too, as death is apparently not final on this show. (Not that I'm complaining, as it's nice to have at least one female in this sausage fest, but how do you survive a decapitation? I'd really like to know.)

Hopefully, this will be the last season of Prison Break. It'd be the only way to preserve any sort of legacy this show has. It can't get any worse.

Don't check it out. I want them to cancel this.

Last Five Movies

Eagle Eye (2008)
Standard fare action movie drivel. I'm not sure how Shia "The Beef" LaBeouf became an action star, considering he looks like a guy who couldn't get a prom date unless he paid for one. I like it when Hollywood tells me who I'm supposed to think is cool.

Blindness (2008)
Really high-concept stuff here, based on the work of a Nobel Laureate. Incredibly depressing, with the scenery switching from pitch blackness to whiteout within seconds. This got slaughtered at the box office, only to be outdone in ineptitude by...

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People (2008)
Maybe if this movie had been more true to Toby Young's book (which I hear was actually more outrageous than the movie) it would have been more enjoyable. Instead, it's just a cheesy romantic comedy that wastes the talents of everyone involved, particularly those of Simon Pegg and Gillian Anderson.

Body of Lies (2008)
Yet another in a long line of "Hate the Government" movies that worries more about the message it's conveying than about actually being entertaining. It is possible to do this kind of movie correctly (like in Blood Diamond), but this ain't it.

With movies like these in release, it's easy to be the best with a little effort...

Appaloosa (2008)
A Western written by Robert B. Parker (of all people), adapted and directed by Ed Harris. It takes some balls on Harris' part to not even give himself the best role (that honor goes to Mortensen). Harris has only two directing credits to his name, and they've both been great. If only he wouldn't wait so long between films.

Check it out.

What I'm Listening To

Not as though you care, but just so you know, here's what albums are spinning in my CD player:

Ozzy Osbourne - Tribute
Osbourne's somewhat-belated live album tribute to the guitar virtuosity of Randy Rhoads, recorded over several shows of the Diary of a Madman tour. Would probably be a perfect live album, if it wasn't for Osbourne screaming "STAND UP!" at the audience every 15 seconds.

Black Stone Cherry - Black Stone Cherry
Debut album of the Kentucky hard rock band. If all debut albums were as good as this, no band would ever release a second album.

Queen - Live Killers
I know some would say the Live at Wembley '86 is Queen's best live album, but Live Killers has all of their early hits, not just "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "We Will Rock You."

Metallica - Master of Puppets
Metallica's major label debut is also the one that put them on the map. Probably the most influential metal record ever. Metallica would keep up this frenetic pace for one more album before they essentially turned into Nickelback.

Prince and the Revolution - Purple Rain
Prince lets his inner Hendrix fly, and comes out with a record that wins two Grammys, an Oscar and sells 13 million copies. Albums don't even attempt to achieve this level of genius anymore.

Guns N' Roses - Appetite for Destruction
Remember what I said earlier about debut albums? Case in point, right here. GN'R put out an actual heavy metal record at a time when other metal bands had gone glam. They also had the distinct misfortune of being a truly great band to release their first album T minus four years before heavy metal was made irrelevant by the release of Nirvana's Nevermind.

Ya know, after actually writing all those down, it's occurred to me that it's '80s Flashback Night in my CD changer. For a guy who claims to loathe the music of the '80s, I sure do listen to a lot of it. Next thing you know, I'll be listening to Men Without Hats and The Human League.

I shudder to think.

O.J. Is Going Away

If you hadn't already heard, O.J. Simpson was found guilty on all 12 counts in his robbery and kidnapping trial.

Now, no sentence has been passed down yet, but I suspect it will be the absolute most years you can receive. Maybe even a number that doesn't even exist: "Orenthal James Simpson, I hereby sentence you to 70 gabillion years in prison, with no possibility of parole."

It may have taken 13 years, but I think justice has finally caught up to this motherfucker.

First Time In 25 Years...

...That the Milwaukee Brewers have lost a postseason game. Mind you, they haven't been to the postseason in 25 years, and have only had two winning seasons in 15, but you've got to hope for something. I honestly don't expect the Brewers to advance past the first round, because I have realistic expectations, unlike Cubs fans, who are completely delusional.

I had the pleasure to attend the Brewers-Cubs games last weekend, and all I heard from the Cubs fans was that they were going to win the World Series. I suspect they won't win the World Series, much as they haven't for the past 100 years, or even go, because they haven't in 63 years.

Hell, even the Brewers went to a World Series fewer years ago than that.

How Magical!

Am I the only person not amazed at David Blaine's brand of "magic"? I think this newest "trick," the Dive of Death, is the straw that breaks the camel's back and gets people to realize this guy is a complete joke.

Basically, the premise of the trick is that, after occasionally hanging upside down for 60 hours ("Wow! How dey do dat?"), he jumps off a scaffolding to the ground below. What amazing things will happen?

Alright, for one, this isn't a trick. If I step off a curb in front of a bus, and it somehow doesn't hit me, that's not a magic trick. Same deal here: Jumping off a scaffolding and not dying is not a magic trick.

It's also not very magical when, seconds before hitting the ground, Blaine's descent is stopped by a decelerator, a pretty common stunt device. I would have been impressed if Blaine had taken this jump and landed on his feet, apparently unaided, and then walked off the stage with no "strings" attached. But...no. Blaine just pulled off the world's most overglorified bungee jump.

And the fact that he only jumped from 44 feet up is embarrassing. It's quite possible to survive a freefall like that without dying. Yet Blaine felt he needed some safety equipment...to fall 44 feet. The late stuntman Dar Robinson twice jumped off the CN Tower, the second tallest structure on the planet, with the use of a decelerator. Robinson's jump was 1200 feet; Blaine's jump was 44. I think you can see who the bitch is.

And then, after the trick is over, Blaine "magically floats away." Wow: An off-camera crane lifts him out of view while John Saunders sells it to the audience. "How in the world did he escape into the atmosphere?" Fucking amazing. David Copperfield did the same thing when he made the Statue of Liberty disappear by making everyone look in the wrong direction. That was impressive; this was not.

Hopefully, people will see what a sham Blaine is and will run away screaming when he approaches them on the street and says, "Hey, you wanna see something."

Best that could happen to him, really.

Shocking. Absolutely Shocking.

Get. The fuck. Out.

The only thing more obvious than this is that the sun rises every day. But thanks for being honest with us, Clay.

And I have a question: Exactly how much does People have to pay you to come out of the closet?

Just curious.

The Emmy Results

When I make my annual Emmy picks, they're strictly "for entertainment purposes only." It's too bad I didn't lay some money down on this one, because I actually handicapped these pretty well.

Actually, I only picked two wins, but I am particularly proud of the Bryan Cranston and Glenn Close picks.

Last Five Movies (Extended Edition)

Righteous Kill (2008)
You can put DeNiro and Pacino together in any movie, and THIS is the movie you make? I'd be absolutely fascinated to see a pre-editing version of this movie, because I'm sure that it would be infinitely better than the jumbled, scattershot mess that actually got released.

Burn After Reading (2008)
I'm sure that this seemed extremely clever on paper...to the Coens, at least. What it seems like to ME is a mish-mosh of ideas with no plot that's only occasionally funny. In fact, when Brad Pitt isn't on the screen, the movie suffers greatly.

Find Me Guilty (2006)
Despite what people think, Vin Diesel actually CAN act, as evidenced by this movie, Sidney Lumet's second-to-latest. People might have a better opinion of Diesel if he made more movies like this, and fewer movies like...

Babylon A.D. (2008)
If I hadn't already seen Children of Men, maybe this would have been more entertaining, but I have, so it wasn't.

Vantage Point (2007)
This movies tries to disguise the fact that it's basically just a stupid Chase Movie by coming up with the silly gimmick of the multiple "vantage points." Turns out, it's STILL a stupid Chase Movie.

The Ballad of Cable Hogue (1970)
A year after Sam Peckinpaw reinvented the Western, he turned the genre on its head again with this, the most upbeat and lighthearted revenge story ever put to film. This also begins the most prosperous decade of Jason Robards' career, during which he won two Oscars.

Usually, this spot is reserved for the best movie I've recently seen, but, this time, it's for the worst. And, of course, that movie is...

The Boondock Saints (1999)
Am I really seeing this? Yet ANOTHER fucking movie about Irish gangsters in Boston? Really? Again? Ya know, I live in Milwaukee, which is not only bigger than Boston, but was home to an actual Cosa Nostra family. Ya know how many movies have been made about that? None. Yet this is approximately the six millionth movie made about Irish Boston street thugs. And the fact that it's probably one of the worst movies ever made doesn't help its case. After seeing it, it's no wonder that the career of writer/director Troy Duffy, who was once touted as the "next big thing," crashed to the ground so hard that it actually went all the way through the center of the Earth and came out the other side and out into space, never to be heard from again. I'm embarrassed for everyone involved.

That being said, I do have a recommendation. Gene Siskel once said that some movies are so bad that a documentary of the making of that film would be more entertaining. And, in the case of The Boondocks Saints, this is entirely true. And while Overnight (2003) isn't entirely about The Boondocks Saints, it's enough about it to show why it's so incredibly bad. And it also paints Troy Duffy out to be one of the most arrogant and egotistical douchebags in the history of the planet.

He gets exactly what he deserves in the end. Check it out.

The Soft Drink Civil War

I was clicking about on the "Internet" when I came across this, a map showing what soft drinks are called throughout the United States. As I'm from a "pop" state and I currently live in a "soda" state, I thought it was interesting.

If I was really motivated, I could make up a "drinking fountain" v. "bubbler" map, but I know that only one state would fall into the latter category.

That's pretty much a waste of time.

The Greatest Sports Injury Ever?

I love it when bad things happen to "good" people. And, while Brady's blown knee may not be the greatest sports injury ever (that honor goes to Joe Montana, whose injury in the '91 NFC Championship not only kept the 49ers from their third straight Super Bowl, it effectively ended Montana's career with the Niners), it's a pretty damn good one. The guy went mentally retarded last year, setting nearly every passing record, accumulated the most wins ever in a season, and almost won the Super Bowl. AND he's dating Gisele. After this, he's gonna be a guy holding a clipboard.

Ya know what the Patriots need right about now? Brett Favre. Oh, wait...he'll be playing AGAINST them next weekend.

Oops. I guess you can never plan too far ahead.

East Bound And Dead

I usually don't do obituaries except for those that merit notice, and this is a whooper. Jerry Reed, the two-time Grammy winner who secured his place in history with his role as Cledus Snow in Smokey and the Bandit, has died at age 71.

It's a shame that Reed was relegated to relative obscurity in the country music world, because he was country music exemplified; he actually was a good ol' boy. Oh sure, he won two Grammys, but I defy you to name a Jerry Reed song that isn't "East Bound and Down."

A great loss for country music.

And, in other obscure death news, Don LaFontaine, the most recognizable voice-over actor since the death of Ernie Anderson, has also died.

If you don't know who LaFontaine is, check out this clip of him in a limo with four other well-known voice-over actors:



Promos for 24 will never be the same.

My Hero Comes Back

Half a year ago, I posted about my new favorite show, Kitchen Nightmares. Like all shows that feature a British protagonist, I figured the show must have been adapted from a British show, but I'd never seen it. However, I now have BBC America on my cable, so I'm able to watch the original show, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. And I must say that it's actually a better show.

Like every show on Fox, Kitchen Nightmares is designed and edited to be nothing but Ramsay shouting and acting like a general lunatic: "After the break, see what crazy shit Gordon does next!" The British version, of course, is much more subtle. Oh sure, every other word out of Ramsay's mouth is "shit" or "fuck," and there is a fair amount of shouting, but the show isn't solely about that. This show is actually about Ramsay trying to fix these restaurants, not just about him going apeshit on their owners. If you pay attention, there's a lot of tips about how to run a successful restaurant, like how to maximize food profits and how to push food with short prep times in order to offset the high prep time foods. And it's funny; the show actually highlights the fact that Ramsay's a pretty funny guy who yells and swears a lot.

Regardless of which version you're able to watch, you should watch it. So, check it out the original on BBC America or catch the American version on Fox when it starts up again next week.

I can't wait.