Malls Of America

As someone who grew up in a city with three dead malls, and another that just remodeled its 70's interior, I'm fascinated by these websites. Who knew the fucking mall could be so interesting (and ugly)?

Malls of America

Dead Malls

Weekend At The Movies

Not that I tried to see all the movies that came out last weekend; it just worked out that way.

When I heard that there was a movie called The Island in production, I thought that Hollywood had hit the bottom of the remake barrel, and was remaking the Michael Caine pirate movie of the same name. I was relieved to find out this was not the case, but was no less comforted by the fact that the Anti-Christ himself, Michael Bay, was directing. Bay's previous directorial and producing endeavors have been box-office hits, at the cost of any artistic integrity or intelligence. In other words, Bay makes big, dumb movies that people love. So, needless to say, I approached Bay's Island with a bit of trepidation.

If you've seen any previews or heard anything about the movie, you know the plot involves Ewan and Scarlett being on an island, and then not being on an island. There's actually a lot more to it than that, but I'll leave it at that.

First things first: This is honestly not the worst movie I have ever seen. This was surprising, as Bay is one of those directors that can top himself in awfulness every time out. (I thought it was impossible to top the embarrassment that was Armageddon. Then I saw Pearl Harbor, and stood corrected.) Bay has made a film that is actually watchable. Sure, it's big and loud like all his other movies, but is not as dumb as it should be. In fact, only the second half is big and loud, as the first half is a fairly decent suspenser about the true nature of "The Island." Bay even seems to have dialed down his usual explosions in favor of some decent action scenes. (People may think that a flatbed loaded with train wheels is rather ridiculous, but any hobo will tell you they see them all the time.) Even the ending isn't as ridiculous as it should be, although though there are some touches of that You're-going-to-cry-even-if-I-have-to-kick-you-in-the-balls sentimentality at the end.

So, why is this "decent" Michael Bay, as opposed to "complete shit" Michael Bay? I would say the absence of usual producing partner Jerry Bruckheimer has something to do with it. Bruckheimer loves "big and dumb," and was apparently too busy developing more spinoffs of CSI to be involved in this. His presence is not missed, as it appears to have made this movie more enjoyable.

It's a tragedy that this movie is turning out to be a major flop (I saw it opening night, and I was one of five people in the theatre), as it is the best movie Michael Bay has ever made. Which ain't saying much, but it's something.

The other movie I saw this weekend, about which I can't say enough, is The Devil's Rejects, Rob Zombie's pseudo-sequel to his House of 1000 Corpses. I really didn't know what to think going into this one. Corpses sat on the shelf for three years before it was released, not only because it was mercilessly grim and violent, but because it was a shitty movie. (Sitting on the shelf is the fate of many a shitty movie. Witness all the shitty Vin Diesel movies that came out after the success of XXX. They were all "off the shelf".) So, what did Zombie do in the five years since his last movie making endeavor? Apparently, he learned how to make a good movie. ("Good" is a subjective term here, kinda like, "It's good I only lost one eye in that explosion.")

The plot, which is nearly non-existent, revolves around the surviving members of the Firefly family running from the vengeful brother of the cop they killed in Corpses. Along the way, they kill some people, kidnap others: just the usual fun stuff that families do on a roadtrip.

Lots of "genre" movie fans lined up to see Tarantino's Kill Bill, because it promised to be an homage to all of these genre films. And it was. But he tried to cram so many genres into two movies (anyone who believes that Kill Bill, Vols. 1 & 2 were ever one movie is an idiot) that it turned into a jumbled mess. It's a lot of shit to throw against the wall, and not much of it stuck.

Zombie chose another route, and just went with one genre: the "Classic" 70's Exploitation Film. No samurais, no zombies, just pure sex and violence, with no plot to get in the way. (A lot of 70's exploitation films featured samurais and zombies, but their plotlines actually consisted of more than sex and violence.) And it's pretty obvious that Zombie is a big fan and has seen all of these movies, because he slam dunks it. Everything is spot-on perfect. He even knows how to lighten the proceedings by throwing in some clever in-jokes. If only Tarantino were this smart.

Now, it may sound like I'm recommending this, but I'm not. In fact, if you don't enjoy movies like Last House on the Left and I Spit On Your Grave, you should avoid this movie like poison. It's not for the squeamish. But, if you're a 70's Tobe Hooper or Wes Craven fan, get in line. You won't be disappointed.

Your 2005 Emmy Nominees

As no one actually cares about the Emmys, I thought maybe I'd try to drum up some interest, as I think it's been a pretty good TV year. I won't cover everything, as there are about 9000 categories. (Art Direction for a Single-Camera Series? What is that exactly?) Some random thoughts:

Drama Series
I can totally see how Rescue Me and The Wire missed the cut so that The West Wing and Six Feet Under could get nominated. Makes perfect sense.

Comedy Series
So, Arrested Development is gonna take it in the ass because the Emmy folks decided that Desperate Housewives is a comedy. Right, and Family Guy is supposed to be funny.

Reality Program and Reality-Competition Program
If these are categories, where's "Best Muscular Dystrophy Telethon"? "Best Public Access Program"? "Best Sabado Gigante Episode"? All that being said, Penn & Teller: Bullshit! winning would please me. And that Sabado Gigante episode with the smoking hot girl with big tits...oh, wait, that's EVERY episode of Sabado Gigante. That Don Francisco is a genius!!

Actor, Drama Series
I can't help notice that Denis Leary's name has been misspelled "Hank Azaria". I'm sure the Emmy people will have this straightened out by the time Mr. Leary accepts his award.

Actress, Drama Series
If Glenn Close doesn't win, the Emmys should just fold it up, because that's a fuck up on the scale of thinking that Yes, Dear is watchable.

Supporting Actor, Drama Series
The following statement has never been uttered before, nor will it ever again, but I'm a HUGE Terry O'Quinn fan. Loved this guy since he beat that guy to death with a 2x4 during a house showing in The Stepfather. That being said, of course he'll lose.

Actress, Comedy Series
Teri Hatcher. Duh. Not because she's a talented actress, or is any good on this show, but because that's whom stupid people (ie Emmy voters) would vote for. I'd also like to say, because four of five nominees in this category fit the criteria, that I'd like to see a moratorium on the "controlling bitch wife" character on sitcoms. Like that's how women are in real li...oh, yeah. Never mind.

Supporting Actor, Comedy Series
There are two actors in this category who equally deserve this award, but won't win, due to voters' answers to these two questions:
1) What the fuck is Arrested Development?
2) Who the hell is Jeremy Piven?

Supporting Actress, Comedy Series
How Two and a Half Men has not one, but two nominees in this category is beyond me. I wasn't aware this was still on TV. Where's Michael Chiklis' nomination for Daddio? That's still on, right?

Guest Actor, Will and Grace
Didn't think this was a category, but the nominees prove me wrong. Seriously though, the fact that Ben Stiller's appearance as Tony Wonder on Arrested Development is not For Your Consideration is a crime against nature.

Animated Program (One Hour or Less)
So, now mid-season replacements can get nominated? Family Guy fields seven episodes, and even the laziest cable shows field at least eight, yet this gets nominated. (Grey's Anatomy got a shitload of nominations, too.) Even though I fall in with the 95% of Americans who don't watch Family Guy or find it funny, I feel sorry for those who do, as it's only a matter of time before Fox cancels it, because they were nice enough to schedule it and American Dad against The West Wing, Law and Order, AND Desperate Housewives. I believe its third cancellation will set some kind of record. Way to second guess yourself twice on the same show, Fox!!

Writing for a Comedy Series
With three of five nominations in this category, hopefully, Arrested Development will win an Emmy here. And, hopefully, it will be here next year as well, even though Fox has moved it against King of Queens, a terrible, terrible show that will inexplicably kick its ass every week. The funniest show on TV is totally going to get canceled. Way to go, yet again, Fox!!

Writing for a Drama Series
Rescue Me's one nomination, and they're not going to win. What a fucking shame.

So, tune in September 18, and be just as disappointed with the winners as I'm sure I'll be.

Your Daily Gossip Fix

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, and (unfortunately) Vince Vaughn: What do all of these people have in common? At least two of them are the top story in every form of tabloid entertainment in America.

The Girl likes to read Us (the prettiest of all tabloids) and People (which, at least, pretends not to be a tabloid), and, without fail, two of the people listed above are on the cover, and, invariably, the others appear somewhere in the issue. It's really difficult not to know everything possible about these people, seeing as it's all I ever see at any given time. And, since these folks don't get enough play as is, I thought I'd weigh in on the "Hot" celebrity couples of the moment.

Tom and Katie
I used to think Tom Cruise was a cool guy. He always seemed like he had a good sense of humor, and was pretty easygoing. And then, one day... BOOM, he's stark raving mad. He's scaring the shit out of Oprah, he's arguing with Matt Lauer over shit about which he obviously knows nothing, and is running about the world, meeting and greeting, like he's a candidate for God. I see two possible explanations for Tom's scary antics: a) he's had a psychotic break, or b) Katie Holmes is completely unfuckingbelievable in bed. I'm going with (a), as, well, c'mon, it's Katie Holmes.

Brad and Angelina
A very odd couple, in that they are obviously together, yet completely refuse to admit so. They travel the world together, are photographed together on a daily basis, I believe there was even some video footage of them fucking during one of the Live 8 shows, yet they will deny, deny, deny that they are a couple. Sure, you guys aren't a couple. And Sean Hayes isn't really gay. Whatever.

Jennifer and Vince
A completely fabricated couple. Just because someone sees them sitting next to each other on a movie set in which they play a married couple, suddenly they're a couple. Sure, like Brad Pitt and Angeli...oh, never mind. I don't know Vince personally, but he pretty much seems like he's exactly like Trent from Swingers in real life. And, if that's true, I'm sure he'd rather be getting fucked up and scoring with every other chick on the planet than having to comfort the emotional trainwreck that I'm sure Jennifer is right now. Although, I'm sure she'd be pretty easy to score with right now...maybe not as made-up as I thought.

Quentin and Shar
I know these two weren't mentioned up front, but this is such a goofy fucking couple that I gotta talk about it. For Shar, this is a total plus, as she's gone from dating rich white trash to dating someone who used to be a good director. For Quentin, seriously, dude, what the fuck are you doing?!? Is your life that bad? Are you that desperate, that the only pussy you can get is K-Fed's babies' momma? The only way I'm that desperate is if I'm deaf, dumb, and blind, quadriplegic, dying of cancer, with the world about to end in 5 minutes, and... actually, I'd never be that desperate. Way to go, QT; I hope your next movie is as good as your choice of women.

Return To The Land Of The Dead

After a nearly ten year draught in Zombie Movies, and following the incredibly disappointing remake of Dawn of the Dead, I was pretty stoked when I heard that George Romero, who essentially invented the Zombie Movie, was making another entry in his Dead series, Land of the Dead.

The plot concerns the Living trying not be eaten by the Dead. The Living live in a city completely surrounded by water, in order to keep the zombies out. (Imagine Pittsburgh with a canal on its east side, and you get the idea.) The rich Living live in a giant skyscraper called Fiddler's Green, which has all the amenities of a world not infested by zombies. Everyone else lives in the slums surrounding Fiddler's Green. All the zombies? They're on the other side of the river. Which is also where scavengers go to get all of the essentials needed to make living in Fiddler's Green seem like a normal existence.

Doesn't really sound like a Zombie Movie, does it? Well, it's not. Romero has made this movie (humans holed up, besieged by zombies) roughly three times before, so he doesn't need to focus on the zombies. And that's the genius of Romero: He can make a Zombie Movie that isn't even really about zombies. They just exist in the background, while the plot, which involves John Leguizamo getting pissed at Dennis Hopper not letting him live in Fiddler's Green, unfolds.

But is it any good? Sure, it is. There's a lot of clever (like the incredibly practical solution the zombies come up with for crossing the river) and funny (Tom Savini's callback to Dawn of the Dead cameo) bits to make it worthwhile. And the grossout zombie effects (handled by KNB this time out) will please any gore fan.

The one thing that didn't sit well with me was the "Big Daddy" zombie. He is, of course, a callback to Bud the Zombie from Day of the Dead, who could use a razor, phone, and, eventually, a gun. Here, Big Daddy actually leads the zombie revolt. For someone with no brain function, he really seems to be a regular zombie George Patton. But, other than that one hangup, a good movie; a suitable closing chapter to Romero's Zombie Legacy.

"Fat AND Funny" Redux

Remember this post, where I brought to your attention the sizeable talents of Rosie O'Donnell lookalike Andy Milanokis? Well, now, like Rosie, Andy has his own show on MTV. And it is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Funny as fuck, but stupid as shit. You should check it out.

Flying Once Again:

...The Marquette Golden Eagle. Yes, after much bruhaha, Marquette is once again the Golden Eagles, the same thing they were before this two month-long clusterfuck. Not that I'm surprised: No one wanted this choice before, and now we have it once again.

What is surprising is that, out of the 31,500 votes cast, 3200 of them were write-ins for "Warriors." That's 10% of the vote, good enough for sixth highest vote getter. Pretty fucking incredible, considering that wasn't even on the ballot. I'm sure Fr. Wild sodomized an extra alterboy when he heard those results. Go Warriors!!


In other Marquette news, Travis Diener was drafted by the Orlando Magic, meaning that all current Marquette Alumni playing in the NBA play on three different teams in the Southeast Conference. The Dirty South loves them some Marquette basketball!!

Return To Glory

Apparently, the LA Lakers are so desperate to return to their championship glory days that they not only rehired Phil Jackson as coach after a year hiatus, but they also drafted a 7 foot, 300 pound Shaq clone who happens to be 17 years old. Yes, the Lakers drafted a fucking MINOR. Other teams must just be able to smell the fear. I suspect Magic Johnson's 2nd Return to the Lakers is not far behind.

I Love "Greatest" Lists

Am I the only person who realizes the ridiculousness of "Greatest Whatever of All Time" lists? They're completely subjective, and are revisited on a almost yearly basis, so they're instantly irrelevant. "Remember, two years ago, when I said that the Rolling Stones were the Best Band Ever? Well, now it's Led Zepplin. Times have changed, and now they are Best Band Ever." Truly embarrassing.

The latest embarrassment is Spin magazine's list of the 100 Greatest Records of the Past 20 Years. (The scope of these lists gets a little ridiculous, too. "The 50 Greatest Artists of the Past Week." "The Top 10 Records of The Last 1000 Years.") I particularly like this list, since it roughly covers the years in which I actually started buying records.

The Top 10 Albums of The Last 20 Years:

1. Radiohead - OK Computer
2. Public Enemy - It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
3. Nirvana - Nevermind
4. Pavement - Slanted and Enchanted
5. The Smiths - The Queen is Dead
6. Pixies - Surfer Rosa
7. De La Soul - 3 Feet High and Rising
8. Prince - Sign 'o' the Times
9. PJ Harvey - Rid of Me
10. N.W.A - Straight Outta Compton

Um, am I missing something here? I'm picking up three, maybe four of these records if I see them laying in the street.

Actually, the entire list is not bad. If asked to pick this list, I would pick many of the same records. (Not in this order, but the records would be on there.) What I do have a problem with is the Top 10 list. Some of the choices (Surfer Rosa, It Takes A Nation...) aren't even their respective artists' best records. (Prince is the odd exception here, as his best record, Purple Rain, falls outside the "20 year" criteria.) Others (The Smiths, Pavement) are head-scratching inclusions.

The one that really burns my ass is OK Computer at #1. Radiohead isn't even a good band, so how is their "best" album the Best Album Ever? If given these 100 records and asked to pick one, I'm picking roughly 99 other albums over that one.

But then, look at the source: This is from Spin magazine, Your Home of Pretentious Music Criticism. What John Q. Musiclistener considers a good record wouldn't even be good enough to wipe Spin's critics' asses with. They want to tell you how awesome Crooked Rain Crooked Rain is, when all you want to do is listen to the new Destiny's Child record.

Oh well; assholes will be assholes, and their "Greatest" Lists will always suck. Listen to what you like, critics be damned!

Last Five Movies

I noticed this was kinda becoming a monthly thing, so, since it's been a month, yet another installment of Last Five Movies.

Mindhunters (2005)
Have you ever seen a movie that was so bad that it made you wonder why the human race exists? Surely, we'd all be better off dead than having to watch that movie. Well, this is that movie. When I saw previews for this a year ago, it looked like a terrible movie. And then, when it sat on the shelf for a year, I thought, "Wow, this movie must be so shitty that I have to see it!" And I was not disappointed. Luckily, I saw it for free, so as not to perpetuate Renny Harlin's filmmaking career. (I did pay to see Exorcist: The Beginning, however, so I kinda fucked myself on that deal.)

The Longest Yard (1974 and 2005)
Since it'd been about 12 years since I'd seen the original Longest Yard, I thought, for comparison's sake, maybe I'd better rewatch it after having seen the Adam Sandler remake. My findings? They're virtually the same movie: near scene-for-scene carbon copies. If you've seen one, no need to see the other. If you haven't seen either one, go with the original. They actually appear to be playing football in that one.

The Machinist (2004)
I had high hopes for Brad Anderson's newest movie, seeing as his last film, Session 9, is one of the creepiest movies of recent years. And, his new film is creepy. Not the movie itself, but the sight of seeing Christian Bale at a skeletal 120 pounds is enough to keep a person awake at night. There are some nice spooky moments, and a plot twist at the end that ties things together nicely. I wasn't disappointed.

High Tension (2005)
Yet another horror movie, with an identical plot twist. (I've seen this particular plot twist at least four times this year, so much so that I've named it "The Imaginary Antagonist.") Yet, whereas that twist explained everything rather nicely in The Machinist, here, it makes me want to kill the filmmakers. There was really only one way to fuck up this incredibly gory movie in my eyes, and this is it. I was so pissed off when I left the theatre that I actually punched a baby in the face. It's really that bad.

And, so, that would make the winner:

Batman Begins (2005)
If you're going to revive a dead series, best thing to do is to shitcan everything that everyone before you has done, and do something completely new. Which is exactly what Chris Nolan has done with the new Batman movie. A perfectly enjoyable movie. (I was sorta busted up not to see Ra's Al Ghul sporting the bouffant and muttonchops that he wore in the comics, but he did have the goofy goatee.) A great start to a (probable) new series; let's see what he does with the next one.

Acquittal of The Century

Since the fine citizens of California have proven their insanity by acquitting serial child molester Michael Jackson of any wrongdoing, I thought I'd post this clip of Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog showing us just how crazy these motherfuckers are. Enjoy.

Triumph and the Jackson Freaks (Courtesy of GorillaMask)

A Day At The Races

On Saturday, I attended the Champ Car race (yeah, I know, fucking Champ Car) in Milwaukee. Here's some totally random pictures of race day.

The official mascots of the TimeWarner Roadrunner 225. Love that corporate synergy.


Lee Greenwood, surprisingly, not singing Proud To Be An American.


A really fucking big flag.


On lap five (!!), Ryan Hunter-Reay crashed the Briggs & Stratton car. Here's his pit moments after the crash:

And 20 minutes later. They're halfway to Portland by this point.


A Tale of Two Spotters: On the left is the spotter for Alex Tagliani, hurriedly updating his driver's status. On the right, the spotter for Paul Tracy, who had a 10 second lead at that point, doing absolutely nothing. Probably got sick of Tracy yelling over the radio, "I know what position I'm in. If you show me that fucking sign one more time, I'm crashing this car into you."


Paul Newman (with his arm up) accepting a giant novelty check.


And, finally, Paul Tracy, after having led 192 of 221 laps and finishing a quarter mile ahead of everyone else, does the obligitory victory donut.


Other than the hearing loss and sunburn I suffered, all and all, a good time.

Greatest Record Ever?

So, I recently had an opportunity to listen to the new Coldplay record, X&Y. Quite honestly, I don't think I'd ever heard a Coldplay song, and really don't know much about the band, except that everyone seems to speak very highly of them. Hell, they must be awesome, as their lead singer was allowed to knock up Gwyneth Paltrow. (Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck never got that far with her.) So, this band must just rock, and this record must be better than Exile on Main Street or Songs in the Key of Life, right? So, I gave it a listen.

Turns out, Coldplay is not as awesome as they would seem to be. If this record is anything like their other albums, I'd say their entire discography isn't as good as, say, "Tumblin' Dice" or "Sir Duke," and those are just single songs, songs that are better than this band's entire repertoire, apparently.

I dunno; maybe I'm too heterosexual to enjoy this band. Maybe they are a good band, as far as some people are concerned. But not for me. My verdict on X&Y:

Sith Happened

Since I assume that everyone has seen this movie, I can speak about it without "ruining" it for some dork.

The initial buzz of Sith was that it was just great, like Empire great. And that's a tall order to live up to, since Empire is the best Star Wars movie. So, needless to say, I was pretty psyched to see it.

During the first minute or so, when the two ships are flying about, and they fly over the big spaceship, and then you see the massive space battle going on below, I thought, "Wow, here comes some SHIT!" And, two and a half hours later, I was still waiting for that shit to happen. The verdict: This movie may be in the same league with the first three movie, maybe even on the same team, but it's like comparing Scott Seabol to Albert Pujols. Big difference in quality.

The thing about the recent trilogy is that each one has something great about it, even if the movies aren't very good. Phantom Menace had the pod race, and the great lightsaber fight at the end. Clones had the droid factory, and the clone war. Sith, well, had some stuff.

Quite honestly, there wasn't anything of great interest in Sith. (About half way through, one of the guys I saw this with said, "I think it's about time for a montage." It coulda used it. Anything at that point.) The way the Emperor got Anakin to turn to the Dark Side was well written, and the space battle in the beginning was kinda cool, but, really, there's nothing to put this movie up with the first trilogy. The story is as typically shitty as anything I'd expect from Lucas, as was most of the dialogue. After about the fifth lightsaber fight, I kept hoping for the Jedi to die faster, so that I didn't have to see anymore lightsaber fights. The Emperor destroying the Senate chambers was really lame, and I'm really sick of seeing fucking Yoda fly around. The dude's 900 years old, for fuck's sake!! And all of the last minute exposition (C-3PO's memory loss, Obi-Wan's learning to communicate with the dead) all seemed a little rushed, just kinda thrown in there to keep geeks from going, "Well, in A New Hope, C-3PO blah blah blah."

Is Sith "Empire good"? No, not even close. It may not even be "Jedi good." And that's really not very good.

This Shit Again

At the beginning of the month, I posted on Marquette's second nickname change in 10 years. Now, we're witnessing their second name change in a month.

Due to the outstanding negative response of every person on the planet to the fourth gayest nickname you could pick for a team (Flamin' Faggots and AssRammers are second and third; more on Number One later), Marquette has decided to open an "election" to have The People vote for Marquette's new nickname. As I mentioned before, this was done in '95, when absolutely nobody "voted" for the name to be changed to Golden Eagles. This time around, we're given 10 unwanted choices, instead of the two we were given last time. Four of the 10 are names Marquette has already gone by. The rest are total shit.

Conspicuously absent from a list filled with former Marquette nicknames is the name that everyone wants: Warriors. On the official nominee list, you'll notice that there's a provision for write-in votes. Underneath that, this disclaimer:

Any nicknames under review by the NCAA for their relationship to Native American imagery will not be counted. Examples of nicknames that will not be counted include Warriors (or any variation of the word, i.e., war)

So, no one will vote for anything then? (I suspect that "Warriors" will still get a ton of write-ins, maybe even the leading vote getter.)

This blatant disregard of what everyone wants is due to the machinations of Marquette president Fr. Robert Wild, who hates the name "Warriors," and, allegedly, threatened to resign if Marquette was renamed the Warriors. Well, good riddance, you pedophile. Let's give this motherfucker the kick in the ass out the door he needs, and vote the Warriors back in!

Since Marquette's official ballot is rigged so that only certain people can vote (and, apparently, I'm not one of those people, even though I attended the fucking school), vote on the poll to the right. Hopefully, our voting goes better than I suspect Marquette's will.

Oh, and the Number One Gayest Nickname in History? Number eight on the nominee list. If this wins, I will blow the school up. No shit

Sorry For The Lack Of Updates...

But I recently listened to the new Limp Bizkit album once through, and it was so bad that I immediately went into a coma. I really didn't think that an album could suck so terribly that it would cause my body to shut down to recover from the experience, but, there you go. A terrible record; I'm embarrassed for everyone involved, and their families.

My heart, in particular, goes out to Wes Borland, who left the band, and then came back to make this record. He's a talented guitarist, and it's a shame that he came back to make this: An album that makes the collected songs of the cast of Star Trek seem like The White Album. It's the worst record that Rage Against The Machine never got a chance to make.

And speaking of Rage, the "new Rage" has put out two really fucking good records since that got rid of that commie that used to front the band. Why doesn't Limp Bizkit take a page from the Rage playbook, and unload their awful frontman in favor of one who can actually sing, and write listenable songs? Musically, Limp Bizkit is not a bad band. Listen to songs like "Nookie" and "My Generation"; there's some subtle and interesting music there. Pretty good stuff, until Fred Durst opens his mouth and sings whatever gay thing he thinks passes for lyrics. It's gay to the point of going so far past gay, that it comes all the way back around to hetro.

Seriously, lose this retard. I'm sure there's a sea lion or a candy wrapper or something out that has less songwriting inability than Fred Durst. Get rid of him, and get to making some real records.

House of Wax

Saw the new remake of House of Wax this weekend. Some random thoughts:

--It's good to finally see a good, old-fashioned R-rated horror movie again, instead of the PG-13 tweenybopper crap that passes for horror movies nowadays.

--This movie and Deliverance just prove my theory that hillbillies are not to be trusted. This is why, living in a hillbilly town as I do, I never leave the house.

--It never occurred to me that you could SuperGlue someone's lips together. Now I know.

--I also didn't realize that wax is strong enough to make buildings out of, yet weak enough to melt in fire. Who knew?

--For being a well-to-do, High Society-type person, Paris Hilton dies a particularly gruesome and prolonged death. One might expect her to die of something more along the lines of a broken finger nail.

--The 1953 version of House of Wax starred Vincent Price and Charles Bronson, and was the first movie shown in 3-D. The 2005 version of House of Wax stars Elisha Cuthbert and Paris Hilton, and is notable for no reason in particular (other than getting to see Elisha and Paris in their underwear).

One might expect the "House of Wax" genre to be limited to this movie and the original. But there's actually a plethora of "Wax" movies out there. This is not the best one, but not the worst, either. Watch it if you happen to find a ticket in the street.

Weezer Doesn't Disappoint...

...And I don't mean that in a good way.

A couple of weeks ago, I predicted that, based on the first single, the new Weezer album would suck. And now, having heard it once through, I consider myself to be the next Nostradamus, as the album does suck.

"Why does it suck," you ask? Because they've already made this album approximately four times. Every song sounds like another song they've already made. And they're not even good ripoffs. Just bad.

Save your money, and go buy the new Audioslave record when it comes out.

Last Five Movies

The Amityville Horror (2005)
Well, when you have a horror movie produced by Michael Bay, it's going to suck (just as the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre sucked). And this movie, produced by Michael Bay, does indeed suck. Of course, the original version of The Amityville Horror sucked, so why should an inferior remake be any different? (Alias fans will be pleased to know that you nearly get to see Melissa George naked, but there's not much to recommend other than that.)

Meet the Fockers (2004)
As is the rule in Hollywood, whenever a movie makes money, there has to be a sequel. And since Meet the Parents made money, there has to be a sequel. And here it is. It's not really a movie, per se, as one expects a movie to have some sort of story or screenplay or some connective ideas. Fockers basically seems like they got the cast of Parents back together, added Hoffman and Streisand, and just filmed whatever happened. This is, historically, a bad way to make movies (witness Lethal Weapon 4, a movie that was made up as they went along), but (like Lethal Weapon 4) it produces some pretty funny results. And, much like with Anchorman, which is a terrible movie, but is funnier than fuck, it's sometimes funny to watch people waste a movie studio's money.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
Now here's a movie with a script, a very good script, well adapted from the popular series of childrens' books. The problem with this movie is that Jim Carrey doesn't appear to have read that script. He's just out there beboppin' and scattin' all over this bitch. Which is really too bad, because, when he's not in the movie, it's pretty enjoyable. But, he is the star, so he's in it a lot. When are people going to figure out the Carrey has become the Robin Williams of this generation: That his shit was funny 10 years ago, but 10 years of the same schtick ain't gettin' any funnier. Go watch Ace Ventura instead.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
Here's a literary adaptation to kill all adaptations. The Hitchhiker series of books has a huge fanbase, and I'm sure when Doug Adams died, fans exhumed his body so they could masturbate to him in person, instead of to his book jacket photo. That being said, I'm not sure the Hitchhiker movie will please them at all, as it seemed like a cluttered mess to me, someone who hasn't read the books. I didn't necessarily like it. (It's real purty to look at though). The one fan of the books that I spoke to didn't like it. Therefore, no one likes this movie. You won't either.

Well, seeing as I've shit on everything else, that would make the best movie I've seen recently:

Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974)
A really trippy movie, made during a particularly fucked up time in Sam Peckinpah's life. It's Sin City without all the noir elements.
A wealthy Mexican rancher is upset with Alfredo Garcia, as he has impregnated one of his young relations. "El Jefe" orders his lieutenants to "Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia!" for a million dollar bounty. Enter Bennie (Warren Oates), a down-on-his-luck piano player, who sees this bounty as a primo way to get out of Mexico. Plus, he knows the one thing that no one else knows: That Alfredo is already dead, and won't necessarily miss his head. So, Bennie and his girlfriend begin a cross-country trip to Alfredo's grave to procure the head (and the reward). And what a long, strange trip it is. Next to The Wild Bunch, this is Peckinpah's best. Check it out.

I'm Soooo Embarrassed

When I attended Marquette University, our team logo was the Warrior. During my senior year (95-96), the powers-that-be decided that the Warrior logo was offensive to no one who actually paid money to attend the school, and, therefore, needed to be changed. Hell, that had only been the logo for 40+ years, and any alumnus who was contributing money to the school probably attended as a Warrior. But, fuck the students and alumni; who really gives a shit what you want anyway, right?

So, a vote was held to decide on a new name. Two choices were given (how these choices were picked or why "Warriors" wasn't one of the choices was never disclosed): The Golden Eagles or The Faggots. (I actually voted for Faggots, but the majority voted for the gayer name.) And so, based on the results of the "vote," in 1995, the Marquette Warriors were rechristened the Marquette Golden Eagles. And no one rejoiced.

Fast forward 10 years. Since the name change, there has been much lobbying to have the Warrior name returned. In 2004, two members of Marquette's Board of Trustees, which makes decisions like what the school's logo should be, volunteered to donate $2 million to the school to have the name changed back. While the school declined that offer, it did authorize the Board to look into a name change. And, yesterday, it happened: The long-awaited name change. Yes, my friends, I am proud to announce that, as of today, Marquette is now the Home of The Gold.

The Marquette fucking Gold. This is our return to glory? I am thoroughly fucking embarrassed.