Give Trish Helfer Some Credit

As most people suspect, the only exposure most sci-fi geeks get to women is the eye candy the producers of sci-fi TV shows and movies cast as characters on said shows, to cater to the fantasies of said geeks. (And by "geeks," I'm talking about the diehard fans who have learned the Klingon language, or can accurately render a schematic of a TIE-Fighter from memory.) Whether it be Carrie Fisher or Jeri Ryan, these are the women that geeks fantasize about.

And, from time to time, one of these "sci-fi babes" will appear in FHM or Maxim in a cheesecake spread, designed with just those geeks in mind, because, frankly, if you're not a geek, you wouldn't know who these women were. (Seriously, did you know (or care) that Jolene Blaylock was on Enterprise?) And this is what geeks get: the softest of softcore porn. The women of their fantasies presented in a way that's about as titillating as the women's underwear section of the Sear's circular.

And this is why I have to give Battlestar Galactica's Tricia Helfer some props. She decided to give the fans what they want, and posed nude in Playboy. And added points for doing it while her show's still on the air, instead of waiting until the show is gone, her star had faded, and she's looking to get back in the limelight. No, there she is, naked as a jaybird, during the highest popularity of her show. (I'll admit to watching Battlestar Galactica. Not for Trish Helfer, mind you, but because I think I probably saw every episode of the original '70s series first run. This new one's actually a pretty good show.)

So, as a note to any current and future sci-fi babes, give your fans what they want to see. You're making their wildest fantasies come true. And, non-fans will appreciate it too, because, hey, it's a naked lady!

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Something's Happened To Trent Reznor

If you're a Nine Inch Nails fan, you're quite familiar with how Trent Reznor works: release an album, tour for a couple of months, take the next five years to work on the next album. And I fully expected that to be the case after the release of With Teeth. It'd been six years since the release of The Fragile, and I expected things to go as they had for the previous 15 years. But then, something odd happened.

Trent started touring, and hasn't stopped. (He actually played a number of dates before the record even came out.) If I were motivated enough, just within a hundred mile radius of The JVL, I could have seen NIN seven times. Seven times. He's easily played 200 shows worldwide, just on this tour. He's been touring for two years straight.

And he's got a new album coming out in April. And a concert DVD. And there's talk of him releasing remastered editions of all of his other albums.

With this much shit going on in such a short span of time, I wonder if it might be another 10 years before we hear from Trent again. Only time will tell.

The Departed Fucks It Up

I'm usually pretty on top of these things, usually seeing most of the Best Picture Oscar nominees well before I make a judgment call on what's Best Picture. (The exception here is Letters from Iwo Jima, which is difficult to see, due to Warner Bros' odd 400 screen rollout. You'd think they would want people to see it, but, I guess not.) So, I'll admit that I made this year's Best Picture call without actually having seen The Departed. Everybody said it's great, and Scorsese rarely disappoints, so I was comfortable jumping on that boat. Then I actually saw the movie.

I'll preface my comments by saying that I've seen Infernal Affairs (the Chinese movie of which The Departed is a remake) and all of its sequels, so nothing in The Departed came as a surprise to me. In fact, it's a very faithful remake. There are direct lifts from Infernal Affairs in The Departed. And Scorsese follows the movie...right up until the end.

Infernal Affairs, following the scene in the elevator, ends with the scene of the dirty cop coming home and finding his fiance listening to the tape of him talking to the crime boss. It's a great ending: ambiguous, downbeat, rife with sequel possibilities.

But Scorsese changes the order a little. He puts the scene with the girlfriend first, and then the elevator scene. And I was happy with that. But then, Matt Damon comes home, and Marky Mark shoots him in the head. What the fuck?!?

I'm a strong proponent of the fact that a terrible ending can completely ruin an otherwise perfectly good movie. (Anyone up for a rant on Unbreakable?) The only way Scorsese could have ended this worse would be to have The Funky Bunch come in and sing us out with "Good Vibrations." But what we get is still pretty terrible.

Here, I claimed Scorsese deserved that Best Director Oscar. I'm strongly leaning back toward Eastwood again. I'm pretty sure he didn't fuck his movie up.

What I've Learned From 24

Now that I've caught up with the most recent episodes of 24 (thanks, MySpace!), I thought I'd pass along what I've learned over the show's 127 hour run:

-Jack Bauer could make Chuck Norris cry.

-Never involve your family members in geopolitical intrigue.

-The Vice President is a duplicitious motherfucker.

-Everyone needs a dependable guy like Aaron Pierce on their side.

-Los Angeles is the center of all terrorist activity in the US.

-Jack Bauer is undying.

-You can save the world with nothing more than a handgun and a cell phone.

-Well-known character actors are always villans.

-Working in a government office is more dangerous than working in the field.

-The 25th Amendment and the Presidential line of succession get more of a workout than you might suspect.

-They are watching you. All the time.

-You can kick a heroin habit over the course of one really bad day.

-There are more chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons in the US than you would think.

-Thank God for travel time.

-Trust no one. No one.

Random Super Bowl Stuff

Some thoughts on Super Bowl XLI:

-My only comment on the game: if Grossman were actually able to throw a football, the Bears probably would have won. Those wiffeball throws to the other team just didn't cut it. And it was nice to see that the Colts could completely negate the Bears offence, but couldn't stop kick return idiot savant Devin Hester. You can't stop him; you can only hope he runs just one back.

-The commercials all sucked. The only one worth mentioning was the Taco Bell one with the lions, which had a clever Ricardo Montalban in-joke that no one got.

-And apparently, the only big summer movie coming out is Pride, which appears to be an incredibly saccharine movie about a black swim team. I think I remember this movie when it was called Glory Road. Or was it Remember the Titans? I can't remember.

-I must give props to Prince: Even though he's a bad fit for the Super Bowl, he's an absolute fucking trouper for playing out in the rain, and playing well, for that matter. But what was up with him playing two lines of "All Along the Watchtower," and then switching to "Best of You"? Dave Grohl watching at home: "Wait...is that...What?"

All and all, one of the crappier Super Bowls I've experienced. At least the crazy Florida rain was entertaining.

Nice Soup Strainer

I don't usually watch anything on CBS, because I think 99.9% of their programming is shit. (Shark being the one show I do watch on a regular basis.) However, CBS was on the breakroom TV at work the other night, and I happened to catch bits and pieces of NCIS.

The only thing I have to say about this is: What's up with the moustache on Mark Harmon? For a guy who has never really rolled with any facial hair, it looks odd on him. Kinda makes him look like Sgt. Tate from Silence of the Lambs. (You know: "It's Jim Pembry! Now talk to him, damnit!" That guy.)

I'd shave it off, if I were him. If he wants to keep his tenuous hold on his "sex symbol" status (he was People's Sexiest Man Alive 20 years ago, after all), he may want to lose the Sam Elliot look. Not very becoming.

Tyra Banks: Fat?

The only thing I've heard about the last week is Tyra Banks. Whether it's some magazine calling her a "fatty," or her throwing a "kiss my fat ass" tantrum on her show, Tyra's weight gain is all the rage right now. And, of course, since her "fat ass" is being shoved in my face on a constant basis, I have an opinion on this matter.

First off, Tyra was never skinny. Being 5'10", 130 lbs., is not skinny. But it's all how it's proportioned. Take Gabrielle Reese: 6'3", 160 lbs., and built like a brick shithouse. That's not skinny.

But then, Tyra doesn't need to be skinny. She's not a model anymore (whom we prefer to be skinny); she's a talk show host (and there is no such thing as a skinny talk show host).

The thing I don't get, and this applies to every woman in the media, is that we only seem to care about weight gain or loss. We don't care about those who have always been skinny ("Kate Moss: What A (Stick) Figure!") or fat ("Camryn Mannheim: Still A Blimp!"). We only bring attention to those who lose weight ("Star Jones: Hot New Beach Body!") or gain weight ("Oprah: Pigging Out!"). Even after the media pushes "thin" like they're selling it, they draw attention to those they deem "too thin" ("Kate Bosworth: Not Hot At 85 Lbs!").

So, is Tyra "fat"? Having seen her on the cover of last week's People and the thousand other appearances she's made over the last week, I'd say "no." Looks pretty good, actually. (I will admit that those photos that started this whole stink feature a very unflattering bathing suit.) But, that being said, she'll go one of two ways: become "obese," just to throw it in the face of her critics, or, she'll cave and lose a ton of weight ("Tyra Banks: (insert witty weight loss quip here)!"). Either way, we'll still have to deal with her grating personality, which is waaaaaaay worse than whatever her weight may be.

Last Five Movies

I'm in a movies mood, so I'll do another one of these.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
I recently rewatched The Devil's Rejects, and it's such a well-made film that I thought maybe my initial assessment of Corpses (that it was terrible) was wrong. So, I watched it again. And still the same piece of shit that I originally thought it to be. Time changed nothing.

The Queen (2006)
This pretty much seals the deal on Helen Mirren winning an Oscar. Good flick, even if it does seem about an hour too long. I also noticed that The Wife was the youngest person in the theatre by about 20 years; I came in a close second.

Smokin' Aces (2007)
Does Joe Carnahan not realize that Pulp Fiction came out 12 years ago? Making a Pulp Fiction ripoff is soooo 1996. I think there should be a moratorium on massively cast, dialogue-driven gangster movies. Tarantino pretty much put that whole genre to bed. Oh, and even though Jason Bateman's only in this movie for about two minutes, he steals the whole fucking thing right out from under everyone. It may be worth a watch just for him.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
I must have some sort of mental illness, thinking that this might be even marginally watchable. It's a Michael Bay production, which means it's the opposite of watchable.

An off-beat choice, but...

Pan's Labyrinth (2006)
Del Toro has never done me wrong. And his newest movie is as good as all of the buzz it's getting. The thing about this movie (other than I don't think anyone realizes it's in Spanish) is that people seem to think that it's some sort of kids' movie, along the lines of that Muppet movie Labyrinth. The little kids in the theatre when I saw this were treated to graphic scenes of war, torture, murder, and a man sewing his face back together. Needless to say, it's not for kids. But any adult should most definitely see it.

Good flick; check it out.

The Annual Oscar Post

Since I've done an Oscar nom post the previous two years, I believe that makes it an annual thing. Here's another:

Best Supporting Actor
Djimon Hounsou deserves to win this. That being said, it'll probably be Eddie Murphy, whose ego will proceed to outgrow George Clooney's. And what's Mark Wahlberg doing in there? Seriously: Marky Mark?

Achievement in Makeup
Click had makeup? Huh.

Best Animated Feature Film
Cars. Duh.

Best Supporting Actress
I'd love to see the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine win, purely because her routine in the movie was more offensive than everyone else's. But she won't. Probably Jennifer Hudson, finally capitalizing on her American Idol failure.

Best Documentary Feature
Just give Al Gore the fucking thing. (softly crying in corner)

Achievement in Sound Mixing and Sound Editing
They couldn't decide which had better sound, Letters from Iwo Jima or Dreamgirls, so they put one in each category. The other four nominees are the same in both. Odd. Even odder if those two were the winners. I smell a conspiracy...

Best Original Song
It would be funny if something from Dreamgirls didn't win.

Best Foreign-Language Film
There's usually one slam dunk in this category. And that would be Pan's Labyrinth. Or "Mexico," because this award is for the whole country, ya know. (I find it somewhat odd that Letters from Iwo Jima was ineligible for this category, even though it's entirely in Japanese, and was even filmed in Japan. Damn Clint's luck for not being Japanese.)

Best Actor
There are at least three in this category that I'd like to see win (and yes, one of them is Leonardo DiCaprio). Just, please, sweet Jesus, don't let Will Smith win. Seriously: The Fresh Prince?

Achievement in Cinematography
Nice to see that both turn-of-the-century magician movies made it.

Best Actress
If Helen Mirren doesn't win this, they may just want to not have the Oscars anymore. No point, really.

Best Original and Adapted Screenplay
These are always tough. As long as Babel loses, I'll be happy with anything here.

Best Director
This is Scorsese's year. I know I said that two years ago, the last time he ran against Eastwood, but Clint won't win this year, namely because no one's seen his movie. (Nice rollout on that one, Warner Brothers.) Plus, he's already got already got four Oscars; time to give Marty one.

And that would make our Best Picture winner...
The Departed. It's a great movie that was also a box office hit, which always contributes. Unless the Academy gives it to Babel, this year's overrated, white-people-should-feel-bad-about-themselves spoiler movie, there's your winner.

Finally: Hiatus Season Is Over

A few months back, I lamented the fact that the networks have chosen to put shows on hiatus rather than show a handful of reruns during the season. Well, after months of wondering where the hell all of my favorite shows went, hiatus season is finally over. And I still hate it.

Someone mentioned that it helped continuity, because you don't lose the storyline following, say, a post-sweeps rerun block. But how does it help the continuity of a show like Lost, which is in the middle of a three-month layoff? Or Heroes, which took a month and a half off before showing the next six episodes, only to take another month off before the final five?

I can see delaying the start of a show, like 24, which is showing 24 episodes in a row. Sure, it starts later, but there's a new episode every week. But what does taking a couple of months off accomplish? What you end up with is the same amount of episodes in the same amount of time, but with no reruns. Which means a shitload of downtime and me not remembering what happened on the show last time it was on.

That's why I like networks like FX, which, in their "money" timeslot (Tues 10/9c), rather than ever show reruns, they air series with half as many episodes. Every week is a new episode, and, when they run out of episodes, they start a new series. Last year, in that single timeslot, FX aired full seasons of The Shield, Thief, Rescue Me, and Nip/Tuck. Nearly fifty episodes and no reruns. In that same timeframe, ABC showed 20 episodes of Lost, 14 of which aired before June.

The networks totally got this thing under control. No wonder most of their programming sucks.

Jim Kelly: Living Vicariously Through Lesser Players

I was watching TV the other day, and happened to catch a new "Men of the Square Table" Miller Lite commercial. In it, former Buffalo Bills quarterback asks whether or not it's acceptable to leave a game in the fourth quarter to beat traffic. Someone mentions that it might be acceptable if a team is down by 30 points. Kelly rebuts by referencing the '93 AFC Wild Card game, in which the Bills overcame a 32 point deficit to beat the Oilers. Kelly is an expert on this game, as he was a Pro Bowl quarterback on that team.

Unfortunately, he didn't play a single down in that game. (He was injured in the previous game.) What Kelly and no one else who actually saw that game seem to have forgotten is that it was Frank Reich, "The Other Mr. Comeback," who was the quarterback in that game. In fact, Reich won the divisional playoff game as well. When Kelly came back in the AFC Championship game, his under-whelming performance caused Steve Christie to kick five field goals to win the game (actually, Miami was so bad, Buffalo would have won without the field goals), and his completely inept performance in the Super Bowl had a lot to do with their 52-17, third straight Super Bowl loss. That's nice, Jim: Way to bring up a game that you had nothing to do with, because the ones you were in sucked.

I think this calls for a new Man Law: No Man shall bask in the reflected glory of a team's win if he did not play in said win. Sure, you may have gotten them there, but holding a clipboard on the sideline didn't win that game.

So it is written, so it shall be done.

Iron Man Officially Fucked

As a kid, Iron Man was my favorite superhero. Sure, he was just a guy in a metal suit with no powers, but, well, he had the coolest metal suit ever.

That being said, needless to say, I'm interested in any movie adaptation of Iron Man. And today, they announced some new casting info that makes me think that the movie version will really suck balls.

Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow has signed on to play Tony Stark's (Iron Man's alter ego) secretary, "Pepper" Potts, which, well, it's Gwyneth Paltrow; need I say more?

But that's not the worst thing with this movie. No, it's not that they've got Jon Favreau directing, even though the only action movie he's directed is Jumanji 2. It would be the fact that Robert Downey, Jr., is playing Iron Man.

Robert Downey, Jr.

What...the...fuck. Downey's a great actor, but there's, well, approximately every actor in Hollywood I'd pick before him in this role. You thought George Clooney was miscast as Batman? He'd actually be a better pick for this role than Downey. (He's too "important" to star in action movies anymore, though.)

Although I seriously doubt it, maybe Iron Man will turn out to be all right. But I'm not holding my breath.

Isn't This Bitch Dead Yet?

Most of the entertainment headlines today read "Lindsay Lohan, 20, Enters Rehab." I think the world in general would have been better off if they'd read "Lindsay Lohan, 20, Found Dead in Ditch."

Honestly, there is no celebrity on the planet more deserving of the sweet release of death than Lindsay. She contributes absolutely nothing to society, other than to shittily star in the occasional movie; she's had four hospital stays in the past year (as opposed to me, who has not had four hospital stays during Lindsay's lifetime); and she's apparently dating Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild guy, which is just the guy any young woman should be dating. And now she's in rehab.

That's a drag. The chances of her chasing 100 Valium with a bottle of Everclear just went down by half.

Apple: Much Too Predictable

Nearly a year ago, during a comment on Apple's somewhat irrelevant iPod Hi-Fi, I made a facetious comment about Apple being so unoriginal as to come out with an iPod that was also a phone.

And then, on Tuesday, they did.

I'm not so much bothered by they fact that they actually came out with the iPhone; it's that they've already tried it twice before with mixed results. (Anyone remember the Motorola RCKR and SLVR? Yeah, no one else does, either.) But, those were actual "phones," with some iTunes functionality. The iPhone isn't even a phone. It's an iPod with some phone functionality. If you put a phone on a toaster, does it become a phone? If the PSP had some phone function, would PSP stand for "Playstation Phone"? (I find it humorous that, excepting the phone thing, the PSP actually appears to have more features than the iPhone. And I thought Sony had the market cornered on over-hyped, under-developed devices.) It all just plays into my theory that people don't actually want a phone; they just want some little thing to fuck around with.

That being said, I don't see how anyone would be able to afford one of these "multimedia devices." They start at $500 for a 4GB, $600 for the 8GB. While this is not the most expensive "cell phone" ever (the Motorola "Brick" cost $1000 when it was introduced back in the early '80s), it is probably the most expensive, non-jewel-encrusted phone currently available. And much like the PS3 v. XBox 360, HD-DVD v. Blu-ray face-offs, price is a big factor on what is bought, regardless of technological superiority. If Sony was to actually add phone function to the PSP and add $100 ($200, even) to its $200 pricetag, I think we'd have a new winner in this technology segment. (Not that Sony would do this, as it would mean doing something smarter than their competition. And that just doesn't happen.)

But, all of this bitching is probably for naught, as, I'm sure, when this thing comes out in June, they'll sell a shitload of them. And, honestly, it does look pretty fucking sweet. Not that I'd buy one. I've got a phone. I've got an iPod. I don't need another one of each.

Evangeline Lilly: Not In It For The Fame

About a year and a half ago, I commented on the fact that Evangeline Lilly appeared in commercials for the fairly sleazy Livelinks phone service, even though she was enjoying some degree of fame on Lost, one of the most popular shows on TV.

The other night, I was watching TV, and happened to catch another commercial for Livelinks, and, no surprise, it did not feature Evangeline Lilly. (Actually, it was a much hotter girl, which is what actually caught my attention, but that's neither here nor there.) I thought, "Good for her; way to not be associated with that shitbag anymore." But, out of curiosity's sake, I went to Livelinks' website, and there she is, right on the front page. Not moving in up as much in the world as I thought.

But then, maybe Evangeline just does this acting stuff for the love of the game; she doesn't care about the fame. She's about the only actor on Lost who hasn't attempted to parlay their fame into other gigs. She doesn't seem to care about being famous, or with what her name is associated. She's just happy on her TV show and with dating a Hobbit. Personally, I would have filed a cease-and-desist order against those scumbags. I am in it for the fame.

But, that's just me.

Going Straight To Video Waaaaay Before Its Time.

About six months ago, I saw a poster for Idiocracy, Mike Judge's new movie, in the local theatre. Now, where I live in The JVL, which is so far away from the pulse of America that I sometimes wonder if it doesn't exist in an alternate dimension, if a movie isn't going to be showing at that theatre, they don't advertise it. Mike Judge has never failed to make me laugh, so I was pretty geeked to see it.

Time came and went, the poster came down, and the movie never showed. In fact, I never heard about it getting released anywhere. I kinda forgot about it, actually.

So, I'm at Blockbuster the other day, and, there it is: Idiocracy, new to video. Totally bypassed the theatre, as far as I can tell.

Here's what I don't get: 20th Century Fox, who released Idiocracy, will give a 2500 screen rollout to The Marine, a moronic Commando-ripoff starring vehicle for the WWE champion, yet will throw a movie that might actually be enjoyable to watch directly into the DTV bin. I just don't get it.

BTW, the movie's hilarious; check it out.

Improving Universal City, And Destroying History In The Process

During one of the random clickathons that comprise my typical internet session, I happened upon this, the NBC Universal Vision Plan. In a nutshell (to save you the trouble of having to read the whole thing), Universal City, NBC Universal's home base, has decided to give back to the City and County of Los Angeles, and open up their somewhat private "city" to housing development and mass transit opportunities. Honestly, it's a pretty good idea, except for the fact that they'll have to destroy movie history in order to do it.

Part of the "Plan" is to add a housing development called Universal Village on 120 acres of Universal City's land. Unfortunately, this 120 acres happens to be a good portion of Universal Studio's backlot. In order to make way for this development, they'll have to get rid of the famous attractions that happen to reside there. Like the giant water tank that current houses the Ark from Evan Almighty; the Jaws ride; the ancient street set that houses both Desperate Housewives and Ghost Whisperer; the remnants of Whoville; the massive War of the Worlds planecrash set; and the Bates Motel and Psycho house (possibly one of the oldest things on the backlot). All of these things will go the way of the MGM Studios lot, just so Los Angeles can have some more fucking houses. (That state can break off the US and sink into the ocean any time now.)

Oh well. In the meantime, enjoy Your Studio and You, a celeb-filled promo video (which features some of the sets that are going bye-bye), made by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, commemorating Seagram's acquistition of Universal Studios in 1995. Needless to say, it never saw the light of day.

Ruining College Football, One Bowl Game At A Time

The New Year is upon us, which means the college football Bowl Season is well under way. I personally do not follow college football, as my alma mater hasn't had a football team since 1960, but, even if they did, I don't think I would follow it, due to the absolute bullshit postseason system that college football follows.

Unlike every other college sport, post-season college football is not organized by the NCAA. It has been outsourced and privatized, so to speak. And there is no tournament, as in every other sport; the national championship is determined by winning the Tostitos Bowl (not to be confused with the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl), the participants in which are determined by a complex computer formula. (This is at least better than previous years, where it was possible to win the "National Championship Game," and not win the national championship. This system is on the same complexity level as rocket science.) So, basically, if you don't get "picked" to play in the Tostitos Bowl (which will be called the Allstate Bowl next year, by the way), there's no way to win the national championship. No Cinderella stories, no spoilers, no upsets. But, just because you don't get picked for the Tostitos Bowl doesn't mean you won't get some post-season play; quite the contrary, actually.

Remember when there used to be like 10 bowl games? Well, if you do, that means you're getting old, because, now, there's 32. Thirty two bowl games. With 119 teams in Division 1-A football, that means more than half of the teams in Division 1-A are going to a bowl game. More than half. Even before a team plays a fucking game, they have a better than 50% chance of ending their season with a bowl game. The NCAA basketball tournament actually fields more teams (65 v. 64), but there's well over 300 teams vying for those 65 spots, and getting into the tournament actually grants you a shot at the national championship. With college football, if you're not playing in the Tostitos Bowl, you got no chance at the title, but, you will get a shitload of money.

For merely participating in a bowl game, win or lose, each team is given a cash prize, which, if a team is affiliated with a conference, is split up amongst the teams in that conference. (Unaffiliated teams, like Notre Dame and Army, get to keep the entire payout.) The fact that this money goes to the conference means that a team needn't even play in a bowl game to get paid. This is a pretty sweet deal for teams like Mississippi State, who went 3-9 and didn't go a bowl game, but will get a shitload of money for sitting at home, due to the nine other teams in the conference that are going to bowl games. Pretty nice.

As you may have figured out, the whole thing is about money, which is why there'll never be a college football tournament, because, well, that's pretty much playing for the love of the game. All the money for these games comes from corporate sponsorship, who, in turn, are given the naming rights to the bowl game, which serves as nice product placement. (Remember the Citrus Bowl? It's the Capital One Bowl now.) And the willingness to sponsor a bowl game is prolific and almost completely random, which is how we ended up with the Chick-fil-A Bowl and the Papajohns.com Bowl, and a dozen other ridiculously-named bowl games. (Not the Papa John's Bowl, but the Papajohns.com Bowl. A bowl game sponsored by a website.)

Seeing as they add a new bowl game about once a year, I'm sure we will reach a point when almost every Division 1-A team will get to play in a bowl game. It will be nice to see New Mexico State and Eastern Michigan play in the Ty-D-Bol Bowl in 2010. That will be a good time.

Ren & Stimpy - The Lost Episodes That Should Have Stayed Lost

The '80s were a bad decade for cartoons. They started with cheaply-drawn Hanna-Barbera cartoons, and ended with insanely intricate Japanese-made cartoons that were just as inane as their American brethren. It was enough to put everyone off cartoons forever.

Then came Ren & Stimpy.

This oddball, seminal cartoon singlehandedly changed cartoons. Now, it was alright to be gross. It was alright to be overtly weird. It was alright to be adult. You can still see the influence of Ren & Stimpy in Adult Swim's lineup of cartoons.

The problem with having a show that originally aired on Nickelodeon, very much a network geared toward children, is that you can't necessarily get as outre as you might like. So, nearly 10 years after the show went off the air, John Kricfalusi, the show's creator, decided to make a batch of new episodes for Spike TV, stuff that Nickelodeon wouldn't let him do during the show's original run. And now, having seen these episodes, that were recently released on video, I can honestly say he shouldn't have bothered.

Ren & Stimpy was a weird show. A good show, but probably the goofiest cartoon ever made. These "lost" episodes are even weirder. Everything has been cranked up to 11. What was once pushing the envelope is now cramming that envelope right down your throat. Everything is so over-the-top that it's almost painful to watch. Imagine Al Pacino at his most manic, and you might begin to have an idea of what these cartoons are like. And adding profanity and heaps of cartoon boobies really don't add to the viewing experience; they just make it more mind-hurting. (Yes, I just made that word up.)

I think the thing that hurts these episodes the most is the absence of Billy West, who was the voice of both Ren and Stimpy. If you can impersonate Larry Fine, you can do Stimpy, and the guy who does the voice is capable enough. But Kricfalusi's attempt at Ren's voice just doesn't cut it. This is odd to say, as I'm talking about a cartoon dog, but his Ren just doesn't have the same subtlety as West's. West is the only person I know who would think to combine Peter Lorre and Burl Ives to voice a cartoon dog. And Kricfalusi just don't cut it.

So, if you're a Ren & Stimpy completest, check these out. Even if you hate them, you'll get to see some bouncy cartoon boobies. But I still don't think that's worth a watch.

It's That Time Of Year Again...

...when Ken Griffey, Jr., gets a season-shortening injury. He usually waits until later in the season to do this, but, this year, he's decided to do it before spring training even starts. Yet another in a long line of Griffey injuries.

Griffey is a player whose potential talent has made him one of those Possibly The Best Player to Ever Play the Game, If Only He Played in Every Game. The thing with Griffey, though, is that, even having missed nearly four seasons worth of games due to injury, he still has had a Hall of Fame career. If he plays for four or five more years, and can remain relatively healthy, his stats will easily merit him a first-ballot Hall election.

It gets scary when you average his stats over those 500+ games he missed. He'd have a stat line pretty close to Hank Aaron's by the time he played 20 years. Yet, like Mark McGwire, who hit 580 homeruns in 500 fewer games than anyone else who's ever hit 500, his injury-riddled stats are still good enough to put him in the Hall. (Although, with McGwire, even if you average his stats out for however many fucking games you want, I still don't think he's good enough to go to the Hall. He hit homeruns. That was it.)

We'll see if Griffey can come back in time to salvage at least half a season. The last time he broke his hand, he missed almost all of the season. He'll still get into the Hall, even if he never plays another game. And that's some quality shit.

Coming Soon To Theatres Waaaaay Sooner Than Expected

So, I'm watching The Good Shepard (which really wasn't that good) the other day, and I saw a trailer for something quite surprising. I mean, I knew this movie was coming out, but I guess I didn't realize that it was finished and only two months away from release.

The movie? Why, it's Hannibal Rising, the movie adaptation of the Thomas Harris novel of the same name. It's not that I'm surprised this book has become a movie, as all Hannibal Lecter properties are always hot, and all of Harris' previous books (a whopping four) have been made into movies. What surprises me is that the movie is coming out in February, and the book came out in December, like three weeks ago. (There's even a promo for the book at the end of the trailer.)

In order for any of this to work, the book has to have been complete for quite some time, as it takes at least six months to make a movie from start to finish. What's even odder is that Harris also wrote the screenplay for the movie, which means he must have written the book and screenplay almost simultaneously. (This is the only logical way for this to work, as any other screenwriter would have had to read the entire book in draft form and then cranked out a screenplay in about five minutes.) By whatever means, I think this is probably the fastest turnaround in history.

What it all comes down to is I've got about a month and a half to read the book before I see the movie. Hopefully, Harris chose to faithfully adapt his own book, and not bitchify it like the screenwriters of Hannibal did to that book. I'm guessing he chose correctly.

Just as a sidenote, I'll also mention I saw a preview for a Mark Walberg movie called Shooter, which appears to be a movie version of the first season of 24. No word on whether or not Marky Mark will have an annoying wife and child to chase around.

The Day Will Come...

While we're on the subject of trailers, I saw a trailer for the remake of The Hitcher the other day. You all know how I feel about remakes...

What's scary about this one is that the original Hitcher came out a mere 20 years ago. With the exception of Red Dragon (the unnecessary remake of Manhunter, which only took 16 years to remake), I can't think of another movie that has hit the remake bin quicker. (I'm not counting American remakes of foreign films, as they get remade as soon as the rights can be secured.)

It doesn't surprise me that this remake Hitcher is the brainchild of Michael Bay, who, when he's not directing his own shitty movies, produces shitty remakes of old horror movies. (Although, if you haven't seen the new trailer for his Transformers movie, prepare to have your head fucking explode.) Because it's not enough to leave something the fuck alone; it has to be given to a new audience years later, to milk as much money as possible from a dead property.

As I said before, what scares me is that The Hitcher came out when I was a teenager, and now I have a remake in my lifetime, which is bad, considering I'm only in my early 30s. We're quickly approaching what I've long predicted as the worst future possible: where all movies are remakes, remakes of remakes even. The Front Page has been remade several times; who's to say that The Amityville Horror doesn't have another remake coming 10 years down the road?

It's a good thing I see as many movies as I do, since I foresee me not watching anything within the next 15 to 20 years. I can't wait.

New Grindhouse Trailer Online

Check out the new trailer for Tarantino and Rodriguez's Grindhouse. I'm still very much up in the air on this one, but, if the movie's anywhere near as cool as the promotional material (like the faux '70s-era lobby card above) they're releasing, I might not be disappointed.

We'll see.

Poor Man's Versions

In this post, I mentioned the concept of Poor Man's Versions: B-list version of A-list stars. Well, Stuff magazine has latched onto the idea and run with it, with some terribly mixed results.

Some of their comparos are really good, like Skeet Ulrich for Johnny Depp. Others are really terrible, like David Keith for Patrick Swayze. (Considering Swayze's recent output, I think they've got this backwards. But, all things considered, like the caption mentions, I'd take Keith David over both these guys, even if he is the Poor Man's Lawrence Fishburne.) Some are head-scratchingly dated. Lori Singer? Is she still alive? Where's the Meg Foster for Kirstie Alley comparo?

And, with all of these other errors in judgment, they attempt to improve on a classic comparo, by pairing Tom Cruise with Scott Wolf?!? Seriously, if you've ever seen Peter Facinelli, you'd know he is Tom Cruise. Just at a bargain basement price. There is no room to improve on that.

Nice try, Stuff; too witty by half. Maybe you'll do better with your guide to "Those Guys": actors like Colm Feore and Zeljko Ivanek, who are in everything, yet no one knows their names. I sense another Keith David reference coming on...

"Coming Soon To Home Video..."

Every time I go to Best Buy, I take a look at their massive TV show DVD section, seeing what series have made their way on to video. And I'm always astounded by what I see.

I don't understand why shows like Acapulco H.E.A.T. and Men Behaving Badly, shows that didn't deserve to be watched when they actually aired on TV, get DVD releases, while shows like Birds of Prey and Robbery Homicide Division, shows that probably should be watched and got their plugs pulled too early, are nowhere in sight.

From time to time, the studios surprise us, and release shows like Action! and Freaks and Geeks, much to the joy of their deprived fans. But for every one of those surprises, we get two or three Complete Series of Stacked or Greg the Bunny, which, well, have no fans at all.

And while I'm on the subject, where is the Second Season (or the Pilot Episode, for that matter) DVD release of Twin Peaks? Twenty episodes of the most cult-followed show of the last 20 years are absent, with no release date to speak of. Oh sure, it is possible to find them on video, but that would mean finding the now-extinct Complete Series VHS boxset. And they ain't cheap, depending on where you look.

I'm actually kinda glad that not everything gets released to video. If it did, I wouldn't have anything to bitch about. And that would make my life Hell.

Wii Cleans Up

I read a news story the other day about the November sales figures for the Nintendo Wii and the Sony Playstation 3. November was the first month of sales figures for these two consoles, as they both debuted in November. And the figures are somewhat surprising. The Wii outsold the PS3 by a staggering margin of 476,000 to 196,000. Both consoles blew through their initial shipments, and are, for the most part, currently sold out.

Couple reasons why this might have happened. Sony, being Sony, just might have not made or shipped enough, so there were more Wiis available. Or, it might have something to do with the fact that you can buy two Wiis for the price of one PS3. Or, it might be the fact that the Wii's goofy control scheme and the games suited for them actually appear to be fun to play, whereas the PS3 is just an upgraded version of the PS2, with a handful of shitty games no one wants to play.

There's an ironic twist to this story. The overall console sales leader for November? The XBox 360, which has been out for a year, with 511,000. Say what you will about their flubbed launch last year; look who's laughing now.

Oh well. While you're waiting for your console of choice to become available, go ahead and read The Onion's comparison of the Wii and PS3.

Borat Takes Over

Talladega Nights just came out on video the other day, so they're promoting the shit out of it. If you've seen it, you know that Talladega Nights is the story of Ricky Bobby, who's played by Will Ferrell. But, from watching the commercials, you'd think maybe it was all about Borat (or someone bearing a striking resemblance to him).

In a not-so-clever marketing move, Sony has chosen to ride the wave of Borat's success by airing commercials for Talladega Nights that rely heavily on Sacha Cohen, who also happens to play Borat. This is, by no means, revolutionary, as companies do it all the time: ride their product on the coattails of something else that's getting a lot of buzz.

The funny thing about this is that it's probably a wasted effort. Ya see, I don't think that John Q. Hillbillie realizes that Cohen and Borat are the same person. Oh sure, they know who Borat is; he's hiLARious. And they know there's a gay French guy in Talladega Nights, but they have no clue that's the same guy. Sony's trying to get you interested by saying, "Hey, look: Borat's in this movie," but most folks are replying, "Why do they keep showing that French fag?" Don't believe me? Ask the idiots at your workplace; they gots no idea.

So, once again, Bravo, Sony, for doing something that makes no sense whatsoever.

Jim Carrey's New Career Direction

On HDNet's Nothing But Trailers, I keep seeing the preview for Jim Carrey's new movie, The Number 23. And, from all indications, it appears to be a horror movie. And not a funny one.

This is just an all-around odd career choice. I mean, there's a lot of big-time funny men, like Tom Hanks and Steve Martin, who have transitioned into more serious fare. (Martin may be a bad example, because, if you've seen his recent output, he stopped trying to be taken seriously long, long ago.) But I don't remember any of those guys being in a horror movie.

Not that Carrey couldn't pull it off. If you've seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you know he can play it straight, but a horror movie?

I'll guess we'll have to wait and see.

The Dumbest "Very Special Episode" Ever

I don't watch USA Network very often, except for the occasional episode of House or Futurama when the choose to air them, so I don't catch a lot of their regular programming. However, during the aforementioned times when I do happen to pop by the network, I catch some of their ads. And one, in particular, makes me wonder what the fuck USA is doing.

On December 22, USA will air an episode of Monk, which is no big deal, since they do it all the time, but, this night, they'll air two. And not two different ones, but the same one. And not just one and then an encore (like FX does with all of their shows), but one in color, and one in black-and-white.

My only question is this: Why? This has to be the dumbest idea in the history of television programming, bar none.

Oh, and be sure to stop by the official site, and vote for your favorite version, as well as learn about chromophobia, the fear of color. I know I won't.

Paris Is The Sensible One

Last week, if you only use the internet for "work" or "research," or if you live in someplace like Dafur, which doesn't have internet, you probably missed out on the fact that last week was all about Britney Spears' vagina. I couldn't look at a website without seeing it. And, the fact that she kept showing it (at least three times that I saw) made it all the more unavoidable.

But, while most people who covered the story focused on the fact that, well, there's Brit's vagina, I noticed something else; namely, the picture above. It appears as though Paris Hilton may actually be trying to keep Britney from exposing herself yet again. Which is odd, because I'd never figured Paris to be a model of decorum and etiquette. I've seen Paris getting tit fucked, and yet, here she is, keeping her BFF from exposing herself. And isn't that what friends are for?

The Casino Royale Story

Seeing as Casino Royale is on its way to becoming the highest-grossing Bond movie ever, I thought it might be time to reveal the story of how Ian Fleming's first Bond novel finally made its way on to the screen some 50 years after it was written. It's not merely a tale of "they just never got around to it"; it's a 40 year-long epic in the making, that required three corporate mergers, the embittered screenwriter of Thunderball, and the film rights to Spiderman in order to come into being.

So, without further ado: The Casino Royale Story.

Casino Royale was written by Ian Fleming, and was published in 1953, the first of 14 Bond novels Fleming would write before his death in the mid-'60s. In 1955, Fleming sold the film rights for the book to two producers, who, despite their best efforts, were never able to get a film version made. The rights would eventually end up in the hands of Charles Friedman, who would sit on the property for nearly 10 years. (More on him later.)

In the meantime, Fleming sold the remaining film rights to his current and future novels to Harry Saltzman and Cubby Broccoli, who then made a deal with United Artists to produce a series of James Bond movies, the first being Dr. No in 1962. Subsequent films came out about once a year, and were incredibly successful.

During this period, the most contested Bond property in history came into play. No, not Casino Royale (which would be the logical guess, since that's what this story's about), but Thunderball. Thunderball started life as a screenplay for a Bond movie, written by Fleming and a man named Kevin McClory. McClory unsucessfully tried to get Thunderball made into a movie for a number of years. Following McClory's failure, Fleming sold the Bond novels to Saltzman and Broccoli, and went ahead and adapted Thunderball into a novel. McClory, angered by Fleming fucking around with material he thought was partly his, successfully sued Fleming, and was given the rights to all nearly all aspects of Thunderball. (This lawsuit also prevented Thunderball from being made into the first Bond film.) And, after unsuccessfully trying to get it made into a film once again, he ended up going to EON (Saltzman and Broccoli's production company) to get his movie made. As part of his agreement with EON, McClory was prohibited from doing anything with the Thunderball property for 10 years after the movie's release. His anger over this stipulation would cause McClory to become a thorn in the Bond franchise's side for more than 40 years, and eventually be integral in bringing Casino Royale to the screen.

In the late '60s, seeing the success of the Bond franchise, Charles Friedman went to EON in an attempt to get Casino Royale made into a movie. EON, soured by their collaboration with McClory, took a pass. Friedman went on to produce a comedic version of the book at Columbia. Because it was not made by EON, and is a comedy, no one has ever considered it one of the "official" Bond films. The property would remain dormant at Columbia until...

Let's jump ahead about 30 years: United Artists (which, due to bankruptcy in the early '80s, was now owned by MGM) continued to make Bond films; Kevin McClory had finally made a version of Thunderball in 1983, now called Never Say Never Again (yet another film not considered to be an "official" Bond movie); and Columbia Pictures was now a part of the growing Sony empire. Pretty much all was good in the Bond World.

That is, until the mid-'90s, when McClory got the bug in his ass that he wanted to make Thunderball yet again. He went to Sony, who owned the only other Bond property not owned by MGM. Together, he and Sony cooked up a plan to start a "rival" Bond franchise to compete against MGM's. (Remember that nonsense in the mid-'90s about Tarantino directing a Bond movie? Well, this is what that was all about.) Needless to say, MGM was quick to file suit to prevent this from happening. And, MGM might have lost that suit, seeing as Sony and McClory were the rightful owners of the properties they intended to produce, had they not owned the one thing Sony wanted more than a Bond movie: the movie rights to Spiderman, which MGM had acquired when Carolco went bankrupt.

In exchange for the rights to Spiderman, Sony relinquished any claim to the Bond franchise, giving MGM the rights to everything James Bond. This allegedly also included Thunderball, a fact McClory still contests. (It's worth noting that Sony went on to make two Spiderman films that grossed roughly half of what the entire Bond franchise has grossed, and MGM went on to make two Bond films that, well...they should have kept Spiderman.)

Which brings us up to 2005. Kirk Kerkorian, the billionaire who had owned MGM, on and off, for 35 years, decided it was time to sell MGM for the fourth time. And, after a brief bidding war, MGM ended up in the hands of (surprise, surprise) Sony. With the acquisition came the rights to the Bond movies, including Casino Royale, a property it and Columbia Pictures had previously owned for 35 years.

Which is how it came to pass that Sony finally got to make the "official" version of the last original Bond property, 50 years after the original book was published.

And I bet you thought they just picked that one out of a hat.

Eight Films To (Not So Much) Die For

For the past month or so, they've been airing commercials for something called "Eight Films to Die For," a three day film festival of undistributed horror movies. Honestly, it sounded like a good time, but, like most fun things, I didn't think it would come anywhere near The JVL.

But, turns out, it did. Unfortunately, I found out about it on the last day of the festival. Fortunately, they were airing encores on Monday and Tuesday. And this is how I was able to see two of the films.

The first film I saw was Rinne (or Reincarnation for those of you, like myself, who don't speak Japanese). Rinne is the newest movie from Takashi Shimizu, who apparently got tired of having made The Grudge roughly six times, and decided to make something new. This one tells the story of a movie crew who begins shooting the story of a notorious murder at what appears to be a haunted hotel. (Actually, it isn't so different from The Grudge at all.) It's pretty standard shit. The best thing about the movie, though, was that I think I was the only person that knew this movie would be in subtitled Japanese. ("Oh, this isn't in English?" was heard throughout the crowd.) If you don't like subtitles either, not to worry: It will be in English when they remake it as a Rachel Bilson or Alexis Bledel vehicle in a couple of years. I can't wait.

The second movie (and I should call it the "#2 Movie," because it was pretty close to shit) I saw was Dark Ride, about a bunch of dumb kids who hole up in an abandoned dark ride that was the scene of a number of murders years earlier. It's really not very good. It has a ridiculously convoluted plot, in which a number of coincidences conspire to get a number of dumb kids killed; screenwriting at its worst. And why is this movie called Dark Ride, as a dark ride is a funhouse that you ride around in a little cart on tracks. This place is just a number of spooky rooms connected by a bunch of hallways...with no tracks. Dark Walk may have been a more appropriate title. Its one saving grace was that it gave a funny new meaning to the term "giving head."

All in all, not a very good experience. Instead of Dark Ride, I wish they would have encored Wicked Little Things, which is not only a Zombie Movie, but a Kid Zombie Movie, where all the zombies are children. That's oh so wrong, but oh so right, all at the same time.

I LOVE Duke

Actually, I hate Duke, and any sycophantic cocksucker who claims to like them should have to choke on their own balls. That's why it was a seriously great time for me to see my Golden Eagles beat their asses.

This is somewhat of a big deal. This is the first time Marquette has played Duke since they lost to them in the '94 NCAA tourney. And, this time, they beat them rather handily. (In all fairness, that '94 Duke team had Grant Hill when he was the best player in college ball, and this Duke team, well, they could use Grant Hill right about now.)

But, we did beat them, and, on Monday, when the polls come out, I expect we might crack the top 10, something we haven't done this early in the season since...in forever. Should be a good time.

Oh, and Fuck Duke.

Mighty White Of Ya, CBS

In this post, I claimed that the new Ray Liotta show, Smith, wasn't very good. And, CBS agreed with me, and canceled it. Now, usually when a show gets canceled in such a prompt way, it just goes away, until someone buys the DVD rights and releases that one-disc "The Complete Series" DVD. I suspected the same fate would befall Smith.

Needless to say, I was rather surprised to see, during a random look through their website, that CBS has put the entire series of seven episodes (four of which never aired) in their on-demand video section. Now, you can see just how terribly the series would have turned out, just like CBS did!

Check 'em out; I know I will.

Lost Gets Lost

For those of you excited to tune in tonight to get your Lost fix: don't bother. Last week's episode was the last we'll see until February. (Apparently, Lost only airs during sweeps periods now.) It will be replaced in the schedule by Groundhog Day: The Show, with Taye Diggs in the Bill Murray role.

I don't understand why ABC would do this. They don't seem to understand that a majority of TV watchers are idiots. When they tune in on Wednesday at 8, and see that Lost is gone, and they don't see any ads for it, they'll assume it's been canceled. This is why shows that get moved from their usual timeslots end up getting canceled: People don't know they're on anymore, and don't watch them.

I also don't understand ABC would split up the season of its third highest-rated show in order to air a mid-season replacement in its timeslot. (I refuse to acknowledge Dancing with the Stars as a show.) What if The Taye Diggs Hour turns out to be a dog, and they are stuck airing this piece of shit until Lost returns? What are they gonna do, air another night of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy reruns?

I'd say that ABC was the dumbest network on TV, but at least they're smarter than FOX, who put the premieres of their two most-popular shows, 24 and American Idol, deep into January. That's stooppid.

Famous People Call My House

It's no secret that celebrities stump for political candidates. They sometimes even go out on the campaign trail for them. It is odd, however, when a celebrity calls your house on behalf of a candidate.

The other day, there was a message on the machine from none other than Bradley Whitford, the star of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. He was calling on behalf of some candidate whose name I don't even remember. I was so surprised that Bradley called that I didn't even pay attention to whom he was calling about.

I did notice that when he called he said, "Hi, this is Bradley Whitford, from The West Wing," as if him being on West Wing lent him some sort of political credo. As a TV buff, I think he's less credible due to the fact that he's not even on West Wing anymore. He might as well have said, "Hi, this is Bradley Whitford, from Billy Madison"; just about the same thing.

An odd experience all around. I'm hoping for a call from Jane Kaczmarek in 2008.

Good To See Someone Listens To Me

In this post, I lamented the fact that the theatres in The JVL had taken a pass on The Prestige, in order to keep theatre space open for Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

Just wanted to follow up and let you know that they took my advice and made the change. Two weeks later than i would have hoped, but it eventually happened. I know y'all were concerned, but there's no reason for concern any more.

BTW, The Prestige is very good (if not highly predictable), and Borat is fucking hilarious (if not slightly staged). Check 'em out.

Hasta Lumbago, Saddam

Today, it was announced that Saddam Hussein was indeed guilty of war crimes, and was sentenced to death by hanging.

I'm glad they tried this guy in another country, because spending my tax money to reach the most foregone conclusion in the history of jurisprudence would have pissed me off.

Oh well; it was a nice run while it lasted. See you in Hell, Saddam.

United Artists Has New Bosses

Earlier in the week, it was announced that Tom Cruise and Paula Wagner, who were booted from Paramount just mere months ago, have been tagged to head up United Artists. Wagner will be CEO, and Cruise will have some say over the production slate, as well as having a place to star in and produce movies.

It's rather ironic that Cruise and Wagner weren't good enough to merely produce movies for Paramount, yet are good enough to run an entire studio. This is how movies like Battlefield Earth end up getting made.

I thought of something else when I heard this. Even though Cruise can no longer make any Mission: Impossible movies, since those rights are owned by Paramount, he's not entirely out of the spy game. United Artists owns the rights to the Bond franchise. Cruise could make himself the next James Bond if he wanted to. (Scary, but true.)

We'll see how it all pans out, I suppose.

J.J. Abrams Has Found New Ways To Fuck With Us

While I'm on the subject of Tom Cruise, I thought I'd pass along something I noticed while watching M:I:3 (that's a lot of colons) the other day.

I was watching M:I:3 with the commentary on, as I'd already seen it and didn't really need to know what the characters were saying. Cruise and Abrams talked for the entire 130 minute or so running time, all the way through the credits. So, I listened the whole way through.

As I was browsing through the credits while they commented on them, I happened to notice something odd. At the bottom of the "Producers Would Like To Thank" section, I noticed a thanks for The Hanso Foundation, which, as fans of the show will know, is the fictional entity responsible for the crazy shit on Lost, which also happens to be an Abrams show.

Can you tell that Abrams has let the success of Lost go to his head? I'm surprised one of the characters on Six Degrees doesn't work for The Hanso Foundation. Might give someone a reason to watch that show.

I Can't Believe They Made Another One

I found out something somewhat disheartening today: Eli Roth has apparently made Hostel, Part Deux.

Let's go at this another way. There's a movie called The Blair Witch Project (maybe you've heard of it) that a couple of guys made for around $40,000. It went on to make about $150 million in the US alone. To this day, it is the most profitable movie ever. And, while Artisan, the company that released it, was quick to make a studio-produced sequel, those two guys didn't try to cash in on the success of their movie. And a good movie, at that. Sure, its "concept" was co-opted from Cannibal Apocalypse, and the acting and dialogue were slightly above laughable, but it's still a good, scary movie that those two guys didn't try to milk for all it's worth.

Which brings us back to Hostel 2. The original didn't make a hell of a lot of money (although I'll admit it was profitable), and it was shitty by most definitions of the word. No reason to make a sequel. Yet, we're going to get one. (It is being distributed by Lionsgate, which would distribute a film of a man taking a shit if they thought it could make money.)

The most disheartening news is that this sequel appears to be more exploitive than the original, if that were possible. It has an all-girl cast, that will go through the same ordeal in the same country (wow, that's original) as the fellas did in the original. Just what we need: some quality murder and torture of women.

This has "shit" written all over it.

Making Some Odd Movie Choices

I was looking through the local movie listings, thinking maybe I wanted to see The Prestige. The Girl had expressed some interest as well. But, my search proved fruitless, as neither of the theatres in town here are playing the movie. Which seems odd to me, as The Prestige was the #1 movie at the box office last week.

What's odder still is that one of our theatres, rather than have one showing of The Prestige, decided to go with three showings of Pirates of the Caribbean 2, which has been out for three and a half months. It comes out on video in another month. I suspect that most people who are going to see it have seen it, since it's already the sixth highest-grossing movie ever; I really can't see a high enough turnout to justify three shows. Yet, apparently, theatres here in The JVL won't even show new movies for fear that folks might not be able to get their Pirates fix, being such big fans and all.

What a goofy fucking place this is.

Wisconsin: Home Of The Fuck-Up

My adopted home state of Wisconsin is known for producing cranberries and speed skaters. But, I'm seeing we're starting to produce something else: social misfits that make the national news. We had the man who tried to kill Teddy Roosevelt, the kid that stole the actual film version of The Phantom Menace, the three kids who dug up a corpse for a little sexual gratification, we've even had a couple of cannibals. Now, we've got this adorable little brat pictured to the left.

Little Timmy (or whatever his name is), from Antigo, WI (which is in the uncivilized part of WI) somehow managed to crawl inside one of those crane games, when he felt that actually going inside the machine would be a much easier way to get a stuffed Sponge-Bob than using that annoying crane. He was trapped in the machine for a couple of hours, before being rescued by firefighters.

Add one more dumbass to the list.

It All Makes Sense Now

A somewhat confusing aspect of Grey's Anatomy makes sense to me now. Now I understand why it was awkward for Meredith to sleep with George; why George doesn't seem to have any issues with having three hot female roommates; why George would rather go home and hang out with said roommates than have sex with Callie.

The reason? Because he's gay.

Grey's star T.R. Knight, who plays George on the show, recently confirmed that he is gay. I guess he thought it would be a good idea to confirm this after he was involuntarily outed during the much-publicized fight between co-stars Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey.

I find it somewhat odd that, even though Knight just now came out in real life, and doesn't actually play a gay character on the show, the writers seem to have written him as a gay. I wouldn't be surprised if George came out on the show as well.

You watch; it'll happen.

It's About Fucking Time

It's good to see that the industry "leader" in software and technology needed 10 years and seven versions of Internet Explorer to include a feature that every other browser on the planet has had for years.

On Wednesday, Microsoft released Internet Explorer 7, now featuring tabbed browsing. With this upgrade, it now joins the ranks of Firefox, Netscape, Opera, and, well, any other browser you can come up with to include that feature. It's good that Microsoft is right on the cusp of cutting-edge technology. (The Opera browser features an integrated BitTorrent downloader. That will probably be a dead format by the time Microsoft incorporates it into IE.)

In fact, if you look at all of the new features in IE 7, like integrated search and better security, you'll see that Microsoft looked at every browser out there, and included every feature they didn't have. Just years later. (I stopped using IE a number of years ago for many of these same reasons.)

I will give Microsoft props for one thing, though: They have the nicest-looking browser out of all of them; the other browsers look like the open-code, user-generated applications they really are. I do find it somewhat odd that the new, almost concurrent releases of iTunes and IE seem to have traded looks: iTunes took on the harsh, gun-metal grey appearance of IE, while IE went with the soft, luminescent blue appearance of iTunes.

We'll see how long it take for Microsoft to update IE again. I'm sure we can watch all the other browsers out there and see exactly what that new release will consist of.

Steve Wynn Is A Mongoloid Retard

Steve Wynn has made a lot of money in the casino business. His money has allowed him to buy one of the more impressive art collections in the world. Unfortunately, it hasn't allowed him to buy any sort of brain.

Yesterday, Wynn's office confirmed a story that Wynn accidentally destroyed the Picasso painting Le Reve, when he punched a hole in it with his elbow. As if that wasn't stupid enough, he had just finalized the sale of the painting for $139 million.

That's one pricey hole.

An Almighty Fuckload Of Money

Last week, The L.A. Times reported that Evan Almighty, the upcoming sequel to Bruce Almighty, may end up costing upwards of $250 million, once all production and marketing costs are figured in.

How the fuck is this movie gonna cost $250 million? Jim Carrey cost $20 million to star in the first one, and its budget was a third as much. James Cameron built a near-life-sized replica of the Titanic that broke in half and sunk on command, and that movie only cost $200 million. (And Titanic made all that money back, so that's a wash.) So, what the fuck could you possibly put in this movie to make it cost more than that? (Hint: it ain't Steve Carell)

I think we may have a new All-Time Money Loser on our hands. Unless Steve figures out how to open a movie in a real fucking hurry. But I don't see that happening. And I don't think the eight bucks that I'll throw its way is going to help.

Aaron Sorkin: Take Note

In this post, I lamented on my much-anticipated Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip not being as good as it should be. I think it's got a lot to do with the fact that Sorkin has merely taken The West Wing out of The White House, and recontextualized it into a sketch comedy show. I think this same cast could perform a script from The West Wing, and you wouldn't really know the difference.

It seems, however, that Tina Fey (of all people) actually has the upper hand in the Battle of Shows About a Saturday Night Live-like Show with 30 Rock. Fey has done the smart thing, and cast people who were actually on SNL (herself included), and brought along Lorne Michaels to produce as well. And, for a show about a comedy show, it happens to be funny. (Is it just me, or are the "sketches" on Studio 60 painfully unfunny?)

There's a lot of sly, witty humor going on in 30 Rock. While Studio 60 takes place on the fictional network NBS, 30 Rock actually takes place at NBC. (Which I find odd, since both shows actually air on NBC.) They also take jabs at NBC's corporate parent, GE. (The GE Trivection Oven may be the greatest fake product placement ever.) I like that Alec Baldwin plays a GE executive on the show, and is the voice of GE in real life. I also see an upcoming defammation lawsuit from Martin Lawrence for Tracy Morgan's thinly-veiled portrayal of him.

The biggest thing it has going for it is that I could actually see this stuff happening on an SNL-esque show. As I mentioned earlier, the subject matter on Studio 60 seems to outweigh the setting. When they were still both on SNL, I really can't see Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels going through a lot of the stuff that Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford go through in the same roles on their show. It's too serious.

Sorkin should probably watch a lot of 30 Rock; he might learn how to make his show work. Still great, but still not right.

The New Grindhouse Trailer

As most movie idiots like myself know, the next project for both Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino is Grindhouse, a double-feature homage to exploitation films of the '70s, complete with Coming Attractions between the two halves. Here's the first look:

Not sure, but this may be the Best Movie Ever, or The Worst Movie Ever; looks like it could go either way. (Rose McGowan with an M16A4 for a leg may be pushing it a little.) And, having some knowledge about this film, this whole trailer appears to be from Planet Terror, the Rodriguez half of the film. Which tells me that there isn't a lot of footage from the Tarantino half yet, or that it's completely unwatchable.

Unwatchable or not, as long as it's better than Kill Bill, I'll be happy. Hell, THIS is better than Kill Bill:

And that's pretty pathetic.

Oh, The Humanity

When I heard that a small plane had crashed into a skyscraper in downtown New York City on the five year, one month anniversary of 9/11, I figured some Al-Qaeda nutjob just got the date wrong for launching a commemorative terrorist strike on New York. But turns out in was actually Yankees pitcher Corey Lidle, who, I assume, other than his team getting their ass whooped in the playoffs, really had no reason to launch a terrorist attack on New York. So, must have been an accident.

The only comment I have on this tragedy is that I'm glad he waited to crash into a building as long as he did, since I had him on my fantasy baseball team, and him dying would have fucked up my rotation.

That would have been tragic.

While We're On The Subject...

I thought maybe I'd give my views on this fall's new shows (at least what I've seen so far).

Six Degrees (ABC)
JJ Abrams tries to make an entire series out of the "six degrees" aspect that makes Lost such a great show. And it makes for a terrible show. Abrams should maybe stop producing TV shows, and spend more time on the new Star Trek movie.

Heroes (NBC)
Pretty much Unbreakable as a TV show. It's actually pretty good. I especially liked the little Japanese guy who travels five weeks into the future, gets picked up for the murder of a guy who predicted a terrorist attack on New York, and then returns to the past just as New York gets destroyed. Good stuff. The only thing that will kill it is if all these "heroes" get together as an X-Men-ish group, but, it's still watchable now.

'Til Death (Fox)
This show was much better when Ray Romano played the Brad Garrett role. It's still funny, if not insanely derivative. And this makes how many sitcoms Joely Fisher has been in? At least 50?

Smith (CBS)
This show is the only reason I've watched CBS since, shit, Falcon Crest went off the air. And it really wasn't worth the wait. I mean, I like Ray Liotta and all, but he just isn't Ray enough on this show. (Ray Liotta fans know exactly what I'm talking about.) May require a couple more viewings. The episode where the guys break into a National Guard armory carrying a kitten was adorable, though.

Shark (CBS)
In truth, I found another reason to watch CBS. James Woods, in recent years, has dialed it down quite a bit. I was beginning to miss the old coked-out, manic Jimmy Woods. But, he's back here. Shark would be infinitely better if Woods was allowed to say "fuck" every other word, but this is network TV. And decent network TV, at that. Ray Liotta should take some tips from Woods, and play up his lunatic tendencies.

Standoff (Fox)
When you make a show called Standoff, you might expect the show to focus more on standoffs, and less on whether the two main characters are fucking. No such luck here. Not good at all.

Friday Night Lights (NBC)
Movie-to-TV show adaptations are shaky at best, but I got a good feeling about this one. I have a obsidian heart, and an adamantium spine, but I'll admit I got a little choked up in the last 20 minutes. Fuckin' sports shows love to do that shit: play with mens' emotions. If every episode is like this, I might actually think about shedding a tear. Just maybe. And it's nice to see that Connie Britton made the movie-to-TV show transition. Very rare these days; brings some credibility to the proceedings.

Justice (Fox)
Yet another slick Jerry Bruckheimer procedural show, this time with defense attorneys. And this show does what no other lawyer show does, and that's portray defense attorneys for what they are: lawyers, not bleeding hearts out to save the world pro bono. It also features a cast made up almost entirely of actors from shows canceled in the last year or so. Which is great, since one of them is Victor Garber, and him reading aloud from The Washington Post would be more interesting than most of the shit on TV. Well worth a watch.

Dexter (Showtime, of all places)
Who knew that the best pilot I've seen all year would be on fucking Showtime, the red-headed stepchild of premium cable? What's not to love about this premise: a forensic pathologist who moonlights as a vigilante serial killer of other serial killers, all while playing a cat-and-mouse game with yet another serial killer. If the rest of the season delivers as much as the pilot did, this may be the best show on TV. Along with Weeds and Bullshit!, it's the only reason to watch Showtime.