I Don't Know Why I Bother Anymore

I enjoy going to the movies. I enjoy it so much and do it so often that I actually refer to it as a hobby rather than a way to pass the time.

Summer is the time to see movies; this is when all the big movies come out. During a summer, I'll see a dozen or so movies. But, despite my love for watching movies, I'm beginning to wonder why I feel the need to see the piles of shit that the studios are passing off as movies these days. As of right now, I have seen everything in current release (with the exception of Sex and the City, Zohan, American Girl and Kung-Fu Panda), and I can safely say I'm quickly losing confidence in Hollywood's movie-making ability.

Take Hancock, for example. I've always thought the idea of the scumbag superhero was an entertaining one. Superman turning into a drunken lech was the only good part of Superman 3. So, why wouldn't a whole movie of that same thing be great? Because, once you get away from that idea, which this movie does at about the 45 minute mark...well, it's just shit. Rumor has it that the original cut of this movie was two and a half hours long; I wonder if they cut out all the good parts.

And then there's Wanted, the movie in which Angelina Jolie looks to weigh about 87 pounds (skeletons are sooo hot this year). Here we have some of the most mind-blowing action scenes ever filmed entangled with one of the most harebrained plots ever. Director Timur Bekmambetov's previous movies were less nonsensical, and they were all in Russian!

Then there's this weekend's new movie, Hellboy 2. As is the case with most of Guillermo del Toro's movies, he gives us things to look at that are absolutely beautiful and other-worldly, but, unlike his previous movies, he attaches them to a plot that a two-year old would consider simple-minded. (Maybe it's just me, but I'm noticing a pattern with the "beautiful visuals with no plot" theme in movies.)

In fact, the only thing in current release I would recommend anyone see is WALL-E, which I had no expectations for, and was presently surprised that it turned out to be the best movie I've seen all summer. (Yes, it's better than Indiana Jones.) Considering there's like a dozen or so movies in wide-release right now, that's a pretty bad average.

So, to commemorate "The Summer of Shit" (much like I did with last summer's "Summer of Sequels"), I've changed the poll to "Worst Summer Movie So Far." There's plenty to vote for, so don't be stingy.

And, hopefully, the season will turn around when The Dark Knight comes out next week. But I'm not holding my breath.

Last Five Movies

And while I'm piling on the movies, here's some others you maybe should/shouldn't see:

Definitely, Maybe (2008)
I don't know why I feel compelled to watch Ryan Reynolds' entire filmography, but doing so requires me to watch movies like this. So, that's why this got watched.

Be Kind Rewind (2008)
Only from the strange, twisted mind of Michel Gondry could a movie like this come. It's so goofy that I can't even decide if it was any good at all. I do like the idea of the all VHS video store, though. About eight years ago, I could have shown you a half dozen places like this; I don't even know if they exist anymore.

Sukeban (1973)
Speaking of stuff that doesn't exist anymore, the bad sense of taste and judgement required to make a movie like this has regretfully gone the way of the dodo. Which is a shame, since the amount of nudity and violence in this movie and the others like it makes it better than most movies made today. Oh, how one longs for those simpler times!

Cleaner (2007)
So, this is what Renny Harlin's career has been reduced to: getting the A-list cast of Sam Jackson, Eva Mendes, and Ed Harris to star in a direct-to-video movie. But, that's what happens when you almost single-handedly bankrupt a studio. Just ask Michael Cimino how his career's going.

Just the general cult greatness of this one keeps Sukeban out of the top spot:

Q, The Winged Serpent (1982)
Michael Moriarty, chewing more scenery than Godzilla, discovers the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl roosting in the spir of the Chrysler Building, and holds New York City for ransom. Possibly the craziest plot ever concocted (by the crazy mind of Larry Cohen), supremely cornball effects, and some rather flippant acting make this something that everyone should see at least once. You may not like it, but you need to at least see it.

Check it out.

Only 168 Day 'Til Christmas!

I happened to glance into the Hallmark Store at the mall today, and noticed that they were putting out their Christmas ornament display.

Just for the record, it is July 9th, 168 days from December 25th.

I thought the ornaments were coming out a little premature last year, when I noticed them in August. But, here it is, the second week of July, and the Christmas shit is already coming out. Just to make sure this was as ridiculous as I thought, I walked down to the Carlton Cards store to see if they had their ornaments out. They didn't, so just Hallmark is insane. I mean, I understand wanting to get a jump on your Christmas shopping, but five and a half months early? That's getting a little out of hand.

Anyway, if you too are a person who likes to do their Christmas shopping half a year early, check out Hallmark's website and get your ornament orders in. They're sure to be flying off the shelfs, what with Christmas just around the corner and all.

Brewers Do Something Sensible For Once

Today, the Brewers did the ballsiest thing they have ever done, and made a blockbuster trade that brought reigning AL Cy Young winner C.C. Sabathia to the team. This gives them both Sabathia, who's having a kinda slow year so far but is still a great pitcher, and Ben Sheets, who's already one of the better pitchers in the NL.

Now, while I think this is a good move in the short-term, as the Brewers get Sabathia for a handful of minor leaguers, this has absolutely no long-term implications. Sabathia is on the last year of his contract, as is Sheets, and Prince Fielder has made it clear that he is going to rape the Brewers in the ass when his contract comes up for arbitration after the season. So, unless the Brewers are going to raise their ticket prices to $1000 a pop, someone or someones have to go, which means that if they don't win the World Series this year, they pretty much rented Sabathia for nothing.

This has worked for other teams, however. The Diamondbacks won a World Series with this same strategy, and the Marlins won two. Mind you, the Brewers are doing it the stupid way, and just signing one player at a time per year, but when have the Brewers not done something stupid? If it weren't for the Cubs, the Brewers would be the stupidest team in baseball.

Who knows. Maybe it will all work out. But I doubt it.

Baseball Requires No Talent

I just happened to catch SportsCenter tonight, and saw that the Tampa Bay Rays had just swept the Red Sox, which I thought was odd, as the Red Sox are the defending champs, and the Rays may be the worst team in the history of baseball.

I then saw that the Rays have the best record in baseball, in a division with both the Red Sox and the Yankees. Which led me to this conclusion: that winning in baseball is not a factor of talent or payroll, but is merely based on luck.

Seriously, you're going to tell me that adding Eric Hinske and Troy Percival to the worst team in baseball, a team that has never finished better than fourth (and they only did that once), suddenly turns them into the best team in baseball? I can't see any other reason than plain old luck to explain it.

And, while were talking Rays baseball, when did the Devil Rays become the Plain Old Rays? Does the "Ray" still mean the same thing? Are they still in the ray family, with the stingray and the manta ray? Or are they, like, energy rays, like gamma and ultraviolet? Or maybe it now refers to a conglomeration of people named Ray, like Ray Romano and Ray Bolger? And why did they change it? Did they not want to be involved with the evil implications of the word "devil"? Or are they trying to distance themselves from the stigma of the animal that killed Steve Irwin, much like how the Washington Bullets changed their name to distance themselves from the #1 cause of death in their city? Or maybe they found out that you're able to win baseball games if you change your team name.

Interesting theories, all. WAAAYYY more interesting than the fact the Rays are in first place. In fact, it's really a waste of mental capacity to wonder why, because you know exactly where they'll be next year: right back where they've always been.

And all will be right with the universe once more.

That Time Of Year Again

Went to Flashback Weekend again this weekend. Some highlights:

-There were more people dressed as zombies than one would expect. And, speaking of dressing, I believe The Girl and I were the only people not clad entirely in black.

-Elvira's hair and boobs are much bigger in real-life than they appear on TV. The line to meet her was never under a half mile long.

-While both Reggie Bannister and Bill Thornbury were hawking music CDs, at no time did they bust out a guitar jam like they did in Phantasm. What a drag.

-While waiting to see George Romero, a gaggle of girls dressed like prostitutes played Dokken's "Dream Warriors" on their little boombox. The Girl was apoplectic.

-And yes, George Romero does wear that safari vest everywhere he goes.

-The Girl is only 5'3", but she towers over Danielle Harris. When I pointed this out to her, that she was actually taller than someone, she replied with, "yes, but she's skinnier than I am." It's all or nothing with that woman.

-Somehow, I got into a lengthy conversation with Angus Scrimm about the composer Erich Korngold. It was probably the only non-Phantasm conversation he'd had all day. I'll also mention that he was sporting some white plastic glasses that would make Elton John envious.

-I must give Bill Hinzman credit for being a sport: he came to this thing actually dressed as a zombie.

-I feel sorry for the people of Rosemont, as it was Double Dork Weekend: the annual comic book convention was going on right across the street the same time as this.

All and all, a good time. And...I finally managed to procure a copy of The Stepfather on DVD.

Things couldn't have gone better.

There Are Some Musical Geniuses On YouTube

Like most terrible amateur guitarists, I spend a lot of time on YouTube watching videos of better guitarists playing, hoping to maybe catch something I can incorporate into my terrible playing. Usually, if you can't find a video of the original artist, there's always a video of someone else playing any given song. There are some players who are nice enough to even show you, step by step, how to play a song (although this practice is starting to come under fire). It's a nice tool for all guitarists.

Most of the players on YouTube are pretty good, like the guy in the above video (but some are just really bad). I admire these guys, that they're not embarrassed to put their playing out there, regardless of how good they are. Guitarists everywhere should appreciate this.

But, like with everything, there are some buzzkillers. Most of the comments for these videos are of the "UR TONE IS AWESUM!!" or "U REALLY GOOD! :P" variety. But there is almost invariably some asshole whose knowledge of the guitar is so great that they must point out any error, no matter how small. You could watch a video, and a guy can play it exactly how it sounds on the record, and you think it sounds great, yet you'll read the comments, and someone will say something like, "That's TOTALLY not how Michael Schenker plays that" or "UR NOT EVEN IN THE RITE TOONING!!" Some will make statements that are astounding in their idiocy. Like, if there's a video of a guy playing "Bark at the Moon" with a Gibson Flying V, someone will chime in with something like, "Randy Rhoads didn't play that with a Gibson Flying V; he played a Sandoval Flying V," of course overlooking the fact that Randy Rhoads didn't play any kind of Flying V on "Bark at the Moon," as he was dead at the time.

Maybe these folks don't realize that any given note appears on the guitar neck several times. There's a lot of different ways to play things. You can have your guitar tuned completely wrong, and still have it sound the same as a guitar that's tuned correctly; it's all just in how you play it. I was in a guitar store a couple of months back, and there was a dude in there playing "Eruption." This guy had it down pat: the divebombs, finger tapping, everything sounded like the record, note for note; sounded like Van Halen to me. Yet, I'm sure if one of these YouTube morons was there, they'd say something like, "That was nice, but you missed the flat fourth in that B minor pentatonic scale." Some people are happy with nothing less than perfection.

Of course, most of these assholes are just stupid. I'm sure they can't even play the songs they're so critical of. They just read the sheet music (which is almost always wrong) and decided that if you're not playing it exactly that way that you're wrong, even though it sounds exactly like it's supposed to.

Me, I'm happy with anything. Actually, whatever is easiest is what I'm down with. I don't care if that's how Michael Schenker played it or not, if it keeps me from having to move my fingers any more than necessary, I'm all over that.

Pass The Time With This Terrible '80s Flashback

I was clicking around on YouTube, and came upon this video for Dokken's "Dream Warriors," the title track from the Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors soundtrack.

I, personally, am not a big fan of the Elm Street movies, but The Girl is, and Dream Warriors is her favorite. I believe she may actually know all the words to this song.

So, out of my love for her (and to make fun of her a little), here's the music video. My favorite part is when George Lynch busts out of the wall and Patricia Arquette is stunned by his guitar-playing ability. Clever editing doesn't get better than this.

Press play and enjoy.

Apparently, I Had A Bad Childhood

Like every kid in my generation, I grew up on Warner Brothers' Looney Tunes cartoons. I always thought they were hilarious. I never once felt like maybe my mind was being warped.

As I got older, I stopped watching Looney Tunes in pursuit of more adult things, like porn. In fact, the Looney Tunes of the '40s and 50s that I grew up on just kinda faded out of existence altogether; they just weren't on TV anymore (for reasons that will become obvious). Oh sure, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck are still around, but those old cartoons just kinda went away.

Recently, The Girl has gotten on a cartoon kick, buying up all the old Disney movies she loved as a kid. This got me jonesing for those old Looney Tunes cartoons. Turns out, they are still available, as Warner Bros. has has made them into boxset called The Looney Tunes Golden Collection. While we were perusing the Disney movie selection at Sam's Club one day, I saw they had some of the Looney Tunes boxsets (and at half price, no less). So, I picked up the first two sets. And, upon watching them again after a 20-year absence, I see now that these cartoons weren't intended for children at all.

Other than the fact that they're animated, there is nothing in the Looney Tunes that would appeal to children at all. Most of the jokes will go over childrens' heads. Some of the references, which really makes no sense 60 years later, would be completely lost on children. I mean, what kid knows who Humphrey Bogart is? And this is just the parts that would appeal to kids. These cartoons are extremely violent, mean-spirited, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, and racist. Mind you, that analysis reads into a lot of things, but it shows that our views on a lot of things have changed in the past 60 years, as most animation studios wouldn't be caught dead putting anything like that in the cartoons of today.

It's my assumption that these cartoons weren't meant for children at all. As I mentioned before, there's no appeal for children. Everything in them, from the humor to the context, is geared towards adults. I think the only reason that they appealed to my peer group was that they were cartoons and kids will watch anything that's animated (and it was pretty funny to see Daffy Duck have a shotgun go off in his face). And I don't think they warped us because all cartoons back then were like that. Anything that would be considered inappropriate for children nowadays was in all those cartoons back in the day. If our kids were to watch these after growing up on Teletubbies and Dora the Explorer, they might have some serious questions after watching these (just like they might after watching old Sesame Streets, apparently).

But, all that being said, I still enjoy the old Looney Tunes. I think they're even better now that I actually understand the jokes and can appreciate the subtlety of the humor. I guess it turns out that things do get better with age.

Hulk And Incredible Hulk

If I were a smart man, I could do a compare-and-contrast between the George Bernard Shaw play which I stole the name of this post from and the Don Juan myth, but instead I'll just do some shit about the two Hulk movies.

I'm somewhat surprised that Universal has chosen to reboot the entire Hulk franchise, rather than making a sequel. I can understand why Warners did it with the Batman movies, as Joel Schumacher did irreparable damage to that franchise. But at least they waited almost 10 years before coming out with a new Batman movie; Ang Lee's Hulk came out five years ago. And now, having seen both Hulk movies, I'm still wondering why we needed a new series.

Lee's Hulk came out to an insane amount of fanfare. Universal seemed to be tentpoling their entire business on this one. And, while it did almost make its budget back during its American release and a profit overseas, it was seen as a failure, namely because it didn't live up to the amount of hype piled upon it. But, how could it? It wasn't the kind of movie that makes $200 million.

You knew something was up from the start, when Lee chose to rewrite the most well-known origin story in comics, by making Bruce Banner the product of inherited genetic mutation and not failed radiation experimentation. And Lee wasn't interested in just making a movie about a monster destroying crap. (This is Ang Lee, after all.) No, Lee made a movie about two children, as adults, trying to come to terms with their difficult fathers (and it just happens that one of the children is The Hulk).

And it's a good movie. It's not standard-fare comic book stuff. It goes way deeper into Bruce Banner than the fact that he occasionally turns into The Hulk. And Lee actually gives his movie a comic book look, with split screens and multiple angles that replicate the layouts of comic book pages. It's all an extremely ambitious take that most people who saw it hated.

Universal must have hated it as well, because they decided to make another Hulk movie with a complete reboot of the franchise rather than a sequel. And, rather than attempt to improve upon the things they hated in Lee's version, they removed everything that made it interesting and made one incredibly boring movie.

I'm sure that if you've never seen another Comic Book Movie that The Incredible Hulk is just great. The Hulk smashing shit non-stop must just be the most awesome thing ever for people who have been living in a cave for the past 20 years. But, for those of us that have seen all the other Superhero Movies, this is just bad. It's the least original movie I've seen in a long time. There's nothing here that I haven't seen in Spiderman 1-3, Blade 1-3, Fantastic Four 1 & 2; hell, I saw an almost carbon copy of this movie a month ago when Iron Man came out. It's as though Universal has taken the screenplay from one of the aforementioned movies and replaced its main character with The Hulk. This movie is so unoriginal, it puts Lou Ferrigno in the same cameo role that he played in Lee's Hulk.

In fact, the best thing about The Incredible Hulk is that it appears to be turning out to be a bigger failure than Hulk. It's a lot stupider, it has a bigger budget, and, based on its opening-weekend numbers, is on track to make less money than Hulk. If this thing does indeed fail to make any money, we'll probably end up with yet another entirely new Hulk franchise by 2012.

I can't wait.

I Must Have A Mental Problem

I don't know why I go see M. Night Shyamalan movies. Ever since I was disappointed in the closing minutes of Unbreakable by its nonsensical ending, I have yet to see a Shyamalan movie that has been more than 25% watchable. Yet, there I am, opening weekend, shelling out my hard-earned money to see every one of his fucking movies in the theatre.

I don't know what I'm expecting to see. Maybe somehow I think I'll see that The Sixth Sense wasn't the only good idea he ever had or ever will have. I know that I hate everything he does; it may be the reason I started this blog was to rip on his movies. And I think he's a good director (or used to be), but he may be the worst screenwriter in history. I know this; I know all this. Yet I keep seeing his movies.

So, it should come as no surprise that I was compelled to see The Happening.

I'll come right out and say at the start that the idea for this movie is much better than the shit he's been passing as "ideas" for his last couple of movies. I think a very good movie could be made out of the premise of the Earth developing a natural defense mechanism against human beings. But The Happening isn't that movie, because Shyamalan does nothing with it. I would imagine you could make a documentary on this subject that would be more interesting than this movie. One of the scariest books I've ever read was Demon in the Freezer, a non-fiction book about smallpox. And The Happening is the best you can do with the idea of our planet trying to kill us?

It all stems from Shyamalan's incompetence as a writer. Because the object of terror in this movie is essentially invisible, Shyamalan conveys its movement with the sound of blowing wind. So, what you have is the characters running from wind for an hour and a half. "Oh my GOD: THE WIND!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHAH!!!!!! JESUS!!!!!" Yeah, that's some scary shit. And his usually-sharp directing doesn't help any, because it's completely absent. He shows us nothing of interest throughout the movie.

And the acting isn't of any help either. I mean, you got John Leguizamo, who usually brings some life to the party, but he's dead within the first 20 minutes. And then you got Marky Mark, and, really...c'mon. That leaves you with Zooey Deschanel carrying this entire movie. Good actress, but even Atlas couldn't carry this fucking movie.

There really isn't anything to recommend about this movie. The one thing I enjoyed about it was Shyamalan's restraint in not appearing in the film. Based upon the trajectory of his previous acting appearances in his films, he was on course to cast himself as the first or second lead in this one. Instead, he's not in it at all, which is a good thing, as he's also one of the worst actors of all-time.

Not that I expected to be anything but disappointed in The Happening, but it would have been nice to see a Shyamalan film that didn't automatically jump to #1 on the Worst Movies of All Time list. Maybe next time (but I doubt it).

What A Difference 10 Years Makes

Remember 10 years ago? Yeah, me neither, but it's been about 10 years since the whole Britney/Christina thing started. And, based upon how it started out, who'da thunk it would've turned out like it did?

These two former Musketeers hit the music scene around the same time, with Britney first out of the gate. Even though Britney was only marginally talented, and could best be described as a "cracker," her handlers were smart enough to make her out as a virgin whore, everyone's underage fantasy. And it worked, with her debut album selling 14 million copies in the US alone.

Christina came next. Infinitely more talented than Britney, with a booming three+ octave vocal range, Christina didn't get the help from her people that Britney did. She was a pretty little semi-Hispanic girl with a voice that didn't match her body. But her album sold well, but little more than half of Britney's.

Britney wasted no time in trying to put her new rival out of business, cranking out two more records in as many years, one of which sold over a million copies its first week. Meet your new Queen of Pop.

Christina, on the other hand, was in a bit of a bind. While she was more talented than Britney, which obviously has nothing to do with selling records, she didn't have Britney's image or sex appeal, which does apparently sell records. Sure, some of her lyrics were mildly suggestive, but she had essentially been cast as a "good girl."

So, Christina did what any girl in her position would do, and transformed herself into, what appeared to be, an actual whore. She got some gigantic fake boobs, styled her hair into an assortment of fright wigs, applied her makeup in ways that would embarrass a clown, and was seldom seen in public in little more than a g-string and pasties. Her new image made Britney look like Mary Poppins.

But, it didn't work. Her second record didn't sell as well as her first, and paled in comparison to Britney's other records. (And I realize that Christina had two other records in there, but one was in Spanish and one was a Christmas record. Those don't even count.)

And this is where there's a break in the story. Based upon the trajectory it was following, one might expect that Britney career would just keep selling records, and that Christina would tend to follow her "whore" path and sleaze her way out of the business within two years.

But, oddly enough, it went the other way. Christina remade herself yet again in the image of Marilyn Monroe, released a Grammy-winning double album that sold pretty well, married a perfectly nice lawyer, and had a lovely baby.

Britney, however, went to shit. Shortly after the release of her third album, Spears got married twice in nine months (once less than three days) and divorced as many times within two years. She shit out two kids in less than 365 days. She made two trips to rehab. She went crazy and shaved her head. She committed more motor vehicle damage than the competitors in Death Race 2000. And, after a laughable appearance on the MTV Video Awards, she released an album that has sold approximately eight copies to date.

And now, Christina looks like this:


And Britney looks like this:
JESUS!!

It just goes to show you: you can't even count your chickens after they hatch. They might just turn out to be rabid badgers.

Smells Like Burnt Gorilla To Me

Years and years ago, I wrote a post about NBC Universal's plans to annex part of their studio backlot to the City of Los Angeles. Even though these plans are still currently in the planning stage, it looks like they just got a lot more land to work with.

On Sunday, a massive fire broke out on the Universal Studios backlot. At least 500 firefighters were called in to help stop the blaze. The fire caused tens of millions of dollars of damage. It's the seventh fire to cause significant damage on the backlot.

A lot of history went up in the fire. The New York Street set, last seen most extensively in Bruce Almighty, was almost entirely destroyed. Courthouse Square, which has been involved in the last three fires, was partially destroyed. (Oddly enough, the actual Courthouse, made famous in Back to the Future, survived the fire, just as it survived the previous two.) A vault building, containing copies of videos and 35mm prints, was destroyed. And, most tragically, the famous King Kong ride was burned right to the ground.

The funny thing about this that I don't think people realize that this is kind of a big deal, that all this shit burnt down. I watched a video on Yahoo where an LA TV station was interviewing people who were pissed that they wouldn't be able to get into the studio while it was burning to the ground. Millions of dollars in property burning to the ground, and these folks are mad that they won't be able to see where Desperate Housewives is shot.

According to Universal's president Ron Meyer, everything will be rebuilt to it's previous condition. The King Kong ride, however, is gonezo, to be replaced by some even more ridiculous attraction.

While all this stuff getting destroyed is tragic, it could have been a lot worse; the whole thing could have burned down. Hopefully, they'll get it all rebuilt and keep it from catching on fire again.

Now I'm A Celebrity

I usually don't like to call attention to myself, but I happened upon the above picture on Black Stone Cherry's MySpace page. If you look really closely, you can actually see me in that picture.

It's not every day one ends up on the website of a major label rock band.

The Greatest Player No One Cares About

It must be the Year of Apathy in baseball. First, you have Frank Thomas, the greatest player to ever call himself a DH gets shuffled around so much in a week that no one knows (or cares) what team he plays for. Then, Mike Piazza, possibly the greatest hitting catcher ever, retires, and no one notices. Now, Ken Griffey, Jr., the player with the greatest potential in the history of baseball, gets within two homeruns of 600, something only five (six if you care to count Sosa, and I don't) players have done, and no one outside of Cincinnati seems to care.

I think part of the problem may be that I don't think people realize that Junior is still playing. No one noticed when Sosa passed 600 for the same reason. And while these would appear to be similar cases of inflated number apathy, they're not.

Sosa is, well, frankly, a dirty player. You don't go from a guy who hit 60 homeruns in his entire tenure with the White Sox and Rangers to a guy who hit nothing but 60 homeruns a year with the Cubs without being dirty. When asked before Congress if he had used steroids, he replied, "FUCK GASPAR GOMEZ AND FUCK THE FUCKING DIAZ BROTHERS! FUCK 'EM ALL!!" (He may not have actually said that, but it's more entertaining than the "No hablo Ingles" bit he actually used.) This from a guy who, two years earlier, got suspended for using a corked bat. That is one shifty motherfucker.

Junior, on the other hand, has always had a clean record. He's never been named in any of the random gossip that seems to implicate players on a weekly basis. Everything Junior has done appears to be due to talent, not only as a hitter, but as a fielder, having won a Gold Glove every year of the '90s. Here's a kid who may legitimately have been the best player in baseball.

Then he got traded to Cincinnati...and hasn't played a full season yet.

He became so injury-prone that he makes Mark McQwire look like a picture of health. And he has not gotten healthier, becoming seemingly more brittle (and fatter) with each injury. This for a guy who's only 38 years old.

And it's these injuries that have been happening on a yearly basis for nearly a decade that make us forget what a great player Griffey is(/was). I don't think anyone knows when he's actually playing. Even though he played most of the season last year (having gotten his injury out of the way before the season started), I think most people forget that he's closing in on some milestones because they don't know if he's in baseball anymore. I myself had taken for granted that he might not be injured and didn't know he was playing until I heard about the "598" thing.

And I also think that, because it's been nearly a decade since Griffey was any kind of force in baseball, people forget how good Griffey used to be. Despite losing at least three seasons worth of games to injury, his numbers already make a strong case for the Hall of Fame. Nowhere near as good as, say, someone like Hank Aaron's numbers, but consider that while Aaron played three more years than Griffey currently has, he had 3300+ more at bats. Give Griffey that many more at bats and consider what his stats might look like. Yeah: Kid's a monster.

But, his stats being what they are, he is closing in on some milestones. He's 275 RBI from 2000, something only three other players have done. He's 395 hits from 3000. And he's got that whole homerun thing, too. Crossing my fingers, I'm hoping Griffey can make it through the rest of the year (and his career) uninjured. He's been healthy thus far. And, he is only 38. A lot of these records are within reach.

I just hope he can get to them.

Oh, and in baseball related post-script to this story, over at The Hall of Very Good, Jesus was quick to give out this year's Bo Diaz Award to John Marzano. But, I think he's going to regret his choice when hears about what happened to Geremi Gonzalez, the pitcher who broke Sosa's corked bat.

That's a Bo Diaz winner if I've ever seen one!

Lost Treasures & Guilty Pleasures: Deadbeat at Dawn

Last year, when it came out that Tarantino and Rodriguez were making Grindhouse, a tribute to Exploitation Movies of the '70s, I was pretty excited. Quite honestly, this is the absolute best genre of movies (if you like shitty movies, that is). They claimed they were going to be period authentic, with low-budget looks and vintage soundtracks, everything down to the heavy film grain that plagued all those well-loved prints. I was excited because I love those crappy movies.

Then Grindhouse came out. And it wasn't good.

Tarantino made...well, I don't know what he made, other than a masturbatory homage to things only he loves. And while Rodriguez did make a cheesy Zombie Movie, he used the whole "vintage" thing for dramatic effect more than anything. Basically, what you ended up with were two big-budget films that were dudded down to look cheap. (It's sad that the most "authentic" part of Grindhouse was the trailers that connected the two halves.) They pretty much failed at what they were trying to do by trying way too hard.

Enter Jim Van Bebber.

In the late '80s, Van Bebber, encouraged by the success of low-budget movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Evil Dead, decided he wanted to make a low-budget movie that would catch fire, as those other movies did. He found his inspiration in the really bad gang and biker movies of the '70s. He sought to replicate those movies, not only in feel, but, hopefully, in success, as many of them became cult hits when they hit the "grindhouse" circuit that Tarantino and Rodriguez are so enamored with.

What he came up with was Deadbeat at Dawn.

For first-time viewers, there is nothing to indicate that this movie was made in 1988 (other than the cars, and even that's a stretch). Van Bebber used vintage wardrobe, music, even going so far as to use vintage 16mm filmstock to replicate the grainy transfer of those old movies. He did everything right in replicating that period feel that Tarantino and Rodriguez did wrong.

And what is there not to like about this movie? Every character is an irredeemable asshole. They all do drugs. They carry nunchucks and throwing stars. They fight each other with ridiculous karate moves. Everyone does their own stunts. There are gallons upon gallons of blood. Literally everyone dies. This is a movie that you think would show up on Mystery Science Theatre, except I think it does so well as an homage that it actually classifies as a good movie (if that makes any sense).

If you like those grindhouse-type movies, Deadbeat at Dawn is a must-see. Unfortunately, Synapse Films, the film's distributor, no longer sells the movie. There is a copy of it included in the upcoming Films of Jim Van Bebber set, but that DVD isn't as good as the Synapse version. It's still out there, if you care to look for it. I really can't say enough about this movie, other that to say, "check it out."

Seriously, check it out.

The World's Hottest Divorcée

Earlier in the week, it was announced that music star Shania Twain and her producer husband Mutt Lange were busting up after 14 years of marriage. This comes as no surprise to me, as couples like this always bust up.

What's more interesting about this (to me, at least) is the whole money thing that usually follows a divorce, especially when one party is super-famous and the other is some ugly dude you didn't even know she was married to. Like Britney and K-Fed. K-Fed gets millions for ruining what used to be Britney Spears. Same with several of J-Lo's husbands. Same with Melissa Matheson, who took Harrison Ford for all he was worth and then some. It would appear to be the same here, because Shania Twain is Shania Twain and Mutt Lange is...who?

But I think it might be different in this case. Before Shania had even left Canada, Mutt was a pretty big deal as a producer. He produced the two best-selling AC/DC records, including Back in Black, the second-highest selling record ever. He produced (and co-wrote) four Def Leppard records which sold 27 million copies in the US alone, before "hair metal" ceased to exist. He wrote "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You," which is still "popular" to this day. He wrote "Do You Believe in Love," the song that introduced Huey Lewis to the world. Oh, and he co-wrote and produced Shania Twain's entire discography.

This all may not seem like anything, but, if you know how music royalties work, you make more money for writing a song than performing it. Mutt has hundreds of millions records sold with him as a songwriter; Shania's got about half that. Needless to say, Mutt's got his own money.

What it all comes down to is this: if Mutt doesn't walk away from this with a lion's share of the money, he should kill his attorney.

Actually...scratch that. What it really comes down to is: Shania Twain is on the market again.

Hooray for everyone!

The Brewers Are Back To Being The Brewers

Had a chance to catch the Milwaukee Brewers last weekend.

Last year at this time, the Brewers had the best record in baseball. And then this happened.

This year, they actually appear to be doing it in reverse, starting out like a complete bag of crap. Only they don't appear to be getting any better.

The thing with the Brewers is that they're not a bad team. They're a very young team with a lot of talent. They have a big-time, legitimate power hitter in Prince Fielder (who wears a three-sizes-too-big uniform that don't make him look any skinnier). They have the reigning Rookie of the Year (whom they just signed to a steal of a contract). They appear to have let Geoff Jenkins go at just the right time. And, I say this with no irony, but they have one of the best pitchers (when he pitches a full year) in Ben Sheets.

All that being said, there a lot of negatives. They have surrounded Sheets with a rouge's gallery of washout pitchers. Most of their infield is terrible, particularly Rickie Weeks, who might pan out to be a career .230 hitter. (At least long-time Brewer Rob Deer had the courtesy to hit 30 homers a year while batting .230 (or less).) And sinking 12% of your payroll in the best closer (circa 2003) may not have been such a great move.

And, speaking of payroll, they may want to sink some of that into a better manager. Ned Yost did a decent job last year, but I think he might have been buoyed by the fact that his team seemingly hit home runs at will. I think now that they've lost that ability that we're getting to see Yost for the manager he is. They had a good manager in Phil Garner, but most of the teams he was saddled with were just shit. Hiring guys like Yost or whoever is next on the Brewers coaching staff might be a bad idea. Even Cecil Cooper, Garner's replacement in Houston AND a Milwaukee fan favorite, would be a better manager than Yost.

But, the season is barely a quarter over. Maybe the Brewers will pull a turnaround. Hell, the Cubs are leading the division, and the only reason they're there is because no one else is. Maybe the Brewers can finish up strong when the Cubs stage their yearly collapse.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Do Ya Like Black Sabbath...

Because "Iron Man" has been inevitably linked to this, the movie of the same name.

A while back, I mentioned that Iron Man might turn out to be pretty cool. (I've also mentioned that it might suck. I'm fickle like that.) Having seen it, I'm kinda in between on my actual opinion of the movie.


I was wrong about Robert Downey Jr. maybe ruining the movie; he was actually pretty enjoyable in it. And Gwyneth Paltrow was completely serviceable as Pepper Potts. All and all, I was pleased with the movie.

But I'm hearing some shit about how great this movie is; maybe the best comic book adaptation ever.

Uh-uh.

In terms of the origin story, they got that right. They even got a lot of the ancillary characters, like Jim Rhodes and Happy Hogan, in there. But in terms of story possibilities as a franchise? Well...there really aren't any more.

Iron Man butted heads with Obidiah Stane for, like, every issue for years. It was Stane who caused Tony Stark to become a drunken vagrant and Jim Rhodes to assume the Iron Man mantle. But after one movie, Stane's dead. (And why is it that comic book movies feel the need to kill the villains. Dr. Octopus has been a Spiderman villain for nearly 50 years, yet, one movie, and he's dead.) There really aren't any other Iron Man villains. I mean, there's the Mandarin, but...Hello, embarrassing Asian stereotypes! Basically, we're to the point where you have to make shit up to continue this story, which is what I suspect they'll do.

I guess we'll see in two years when the sequel comes out.

Trent Reznor: Officially Gone Nuts

Over a year ago, I commented on the fact that Trent Reznor had a new album (which turned out to be Year Zero) coming out a little less than two years after his previous album. For a guy who only releases an album every half decade or so, I figured that Trent must be on fire. I figured we wouldn't hear from Trent for a long time after.

That was a year ago. Since then, Trent has put out three albums, two of them in less than a month. For a guy who took 16 years to put out his first five albums, to crank out three in under a year is, well, a hell of a pace.

So, why is Trent nuts?

Going back to the With Teeth album, Trent has been slowly releasing the source material of his songs for his fans to remix. Giving music away for free is something that drives the record companies nuts. And Trent himself may be nuts, because he's giving away his new album for free.

The Slip, which came out today, is available for free download at nin.com. No gimmicks, no catches, no right-protection. Just go and download it. You can even send a copy to your friends.

And while I appreciate the fact that Trent has decided to become prolific, I don't think he can keep up this pace. He's going back on tour (again) and I think he'll just be burned out once he gets back.

But...he's proven me wrong before. Maybe he'll do it again.

Or end up in an asylum.

Last Five Movies

Lust, Caution (2007)
A movie from a new genre I'm liking very much: the WWII Female Spy Softcore Porno Movie. I call it a new genre, as I can only think of one other movie in the genre, that being Paul Verhoeven's Black Book. It's odd that both movies are by well-known directors (Ang Lee and Verhoeven) who returned to their native countries (Taiwan and Holland) to make these movies. Both are great...if you like WWII Female Spy Softcore Porno Movies.

Prom Night (2008)
Not really a remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis movie as much as it's a movie with the same name about a killer on prom night, much the same way Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 was a sequel of Prom Night because it had a "2" in its title. I don't know what kind of money your typical 16 year old girl makes, but apparently it's enough to take her and a half dozen of her squealing friends to see this movie. I think that also gives you an idea of how terrible this movie is. Go rent the "original" instead.

Dead Heat (1988)
Yet another of the 100,000 crappy horror movies that came out during the '80s (the only good thing about the '80s, really). This one's actually pretty special, because it features the acting talents of Joe Piscopo in one of the three movies he made after leaving SNL. He really doesn't improve the proceedings. I hadn't seen this movie in 20 years, and it hasn't improved with age (although some of the special effects are still pretty gross).

Baby Mama (2008)
One of the funniest movies I've seen in a while. Sure, it's predictable, and the characters aren't fleshed out very well (Tina Fey basically plays her character from 30 Rock), but it's still hilarious. There's a scene where Amy Poehler pretends to be Fey's sister that had me literally in tears. Funny, funny, funny.

It's a tough call, seeing as how funny Baby Mama was, but...

The Orphanage (2007)
From the funniest to the scariest. This Guillermo Del Toro-produced Spanish import is the creepiest thing I've seen in a long time. It's just more proof that no one in the U.S. has any idea to make a scary movie (refer to my comments on Prom Night), as all of the scariest movies are imports. Well worth a look...if you like scary movies.

Check it out.

Here Comes A Real American Hero

The other day, flipping through some stuff on Yahoo, I came across this slideshow of promo stills from G.I. Joe, the upcoming live-action adaptation of the toy line/cartoon/comic book of the same name. Honestly, before I saw these photos, I didn't even know there was an upcoming G.I. Joe movie. Really seems like a kinda stupid idea to me. But, they made a movie out of The Transformers, the other big toy line/cartoon/comic book of the '80s, and it did good business, so why not G.I. Joe?

After checking on the IMDB page for the movie, and seeing who's going to be in it, I have a few comments:

-I don't know who Channing Tatum is, nor do I care, but do we really want him playing the leader of America's Fighting Force? Was Zak Efron not available?

-I just can't envision Joseph Gordon-Hewitt as Cobra Commander. Unless he's going to talk in that queer screechy voice he had in the cartoon. Then Gordon-Hewitt might be a perfect choice.

-I've seen production stills from the movie in which Sienna Miller still has blonde hair, which is great, as Sienna looks good blonde, but her character, Baroness, had black hair. They've still got a year and a half to dye it, I guess.

-It's nice to see that Zartan made the cut. I wonder if Arnold Vosloo's skin will turn blue when exposed to light, or if he'll have that backpack with the goofy mask inside. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you were deprived as a child.)

-I see both Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are in the movie, so get really for some Ninja Action!

-This movie might be worth sitting through if Rachel Nichols spends the whole thing squeezed into a skin-tight suit. At least her hair's the right color.

I'm sure this movie will suck, but I'll see it anyway. It is G.I. Joe, after all.

The Post Office Has Run Out Of People To Commemorate

I don't usually go to the post office, but I had to stop in the other day for a stamp, a single stamp. I happened to look at the stamp that they stuck on my envelope and noticed it was a rather large commemorative stamp of physicist John Bardeen.

Usually, when the Post Office issues a commemorative stamp, it's of someone well known, like John Wayne or Dwight Eisenhower or a Looney Tunes character; stuff like that. I think they might be scraping the bottom if they're putting out stamps for significant yet pop-culturally obscure physicists.

For those not in the know, John Bardeen was a two-time Nobel physicist: one for his work on the transistor, and the other for...something else. Quite honestly, I really don't anything about Bardeen, except for the Nobel/transistor thing, and the only reason I know that is because my high school Spanish teacher was Bardeen's nephew. As for the other people shown in the stamps above, well, that would require a trip to Wikipedia. But I'm willing to bet the rest of the population would have to make that trip for Bardeen as well.

It's nice to see "science types" getting the recognition they deserve. We might be better as a society if our knowledge of people like Bardeen was greater than our knowledge of Britney Spears, but...that's America for ya. Personally, I was hoping for a Wilhelm Röntgen stamp, but I guess John Bardeen will have to do.

I Change My Loyalties Once Again

Remember a while back, when I switched my online movie renting from GreenCine to Blockbuster Online? No? Well, that's what the link's for.

Anyway...I really liked Blockbuster Online. I liked that you could return your movies-by-mail at their storefront locations for another movie. I liked that they gave you a coupon every month for a free game. I liked that, with some effort, I could watch like 48 movies, 2/3s of which I didn't pay for. It was a good deal, AND it cost about the same as what I was paying before.

Now, I would guess that Blockbuster's ideal customer is one who's on the three-out plan, who maybe will watch all three in a week and then return them in the mail when they're done. Blockbuster has about a $2-3 per unit cost on these people. These are the people they like.

The people they hate are ones like me, who are completely fucking their eyes out on this deal. People who are on the four-out, unlimited returns plan, who can turn movies around fast enough that they actually might get five to six in the mail in a week, and return everything in-store, basically doubling the number of movies they get. Per unit cost on that is, like, 60-70 cents. They hate people like me. And I'm guessing they had a lot of subscribers like me, because, about six months ago, they put an end to those fucking shenanigans.

They got rid of the four-out plan altogether. They made in-store returns a "bonus" (ie, extra cost) feature, the game coupons went bye-bye, and, just for the hell of it, raised the price on all plans across the board. Suddenly, I was actually paying more for fewer movies. In the end, the pleasure of doing my renting with Blockbuster was costing me (get this) $43 a month, with tax. That...really is a lot.

So I switched to Netflix. They have a four-out plan, as well as a five-, six-, all the way up to eight-out (which actually only costs three bucks more than what I was paying with Blockbuster). Their shipping turnaround is a day, as opposed to the 2-3 with Blockbuster. They also have an large and comprehensive collection of video-on-demand that you can watch over the internet. I watched almost all of Season Three of Miami Vice in this way. And this is all costing me $20 less than what I was paying Blockbuster.

Blockbuster was a good ride until they ruined it. I suspect others will leave much as I did.

Window XP Goes Bye-Bye

If you hadn't already heard, Microsoft has announced that they will be taking the Windows XP operating system off the market in June. They've already had Windows Vista online for some time now, and I guess they figured they didn't need two operating systems on the market.

Basically, all I have to say on the matter is this: If you're an XP user, and you really like it, and you don't want to make the switch, then call Microsoft right now and get any issues you have with the program resolved. When Microsoft gets rid of a product, they get rid of a product.

Call Microsoft and tell them you're having some trouble with Windows Me. I bet they hang up on you, or say "Who is this...no, really." Although, I'm sure, for a couple hundred bucks, they might help you out. But then, that's what a normal tech call to Microsoft costs, so maybe that money is better spent actually buying a copy of Vista.

Oh well. I'll get over this like I got over the passing of Windows 3.1, 95, 98, and Me (an OS that couldn't be killed off fast enough).

Wisconsin Man Murders Bucks

For no reason, I happened to catch a Bucks-Pacers game the other day. Both teams stink, so this was a real stinker. The only thing that made the game exciting, and the part I happened to catch, was the fact that Marquette alum Travis Diener came into the game and proceeded to bring the Pacers back from a 10 point deficit to an eight point win.

Diener had 15 points, all three-pointer, in the fourth quarter. The Pacers were down by 10, Diener came in, and suddenly they were winning. And this guys isn't a starter?

Now that Larry Bird is running this team, maybe he needs to make some moves. I think he should see if he can pry Steve Novak away from the Rockets. Novak and Diener played together at Marquette, so they know how the other guy plays. Both are serious long-range threats. With two other shooters in Mike Dunlevy and Danny Granger, this whole team could shoot the lights out, if they wanted. If O'Neal and Tinsley ever come back, you might have a team there.

It's just an idea, though. Probably won't happen.

Nothing But Trailers

I see a lot of movies. It just goes along with that that I end up watching a lot of movie trailers. I actually enjoy them. When I get the opportunity, I watch HDNet's show Nothing But Trailers, which is, as the name would indicate, nothing but trailers. This is how much I like trailers.

But it occurred to me that lots of people don't watch a lot of movies and, therefore, don't get to see trailers. They have no idea what's coming out. And, particularly for a lot of readers of this blog, the ones they do see are whatever's tacked on the front of Alvin and the Chipmunks or The Veggie Tales Movie (ie, shit they really don't want to see anyway).

So, this is for you, those that don't get to see what's coming out: your own personal Coming Attractions. Enjoy.

Tropic Thunder: Even though I'd seen this before, it was tacked on the front of The Ruins (which really wasn't as terrible as I had suspected it would be) and inspired me to post this. It looks like it might be hilarious. Robert Downey Jr. as a black guy is comic gold.


Street Kings: Keanu Reeves could make a ton of money in Hollywood. He's shown he can open a movie and would easily be worth a $20 million paycheck, yet he continues to star in non-blockbuster stuff.


Meet Dave: Wasn't Eddie Murphy an Oscar nominee, like, a year ago? You wouldn't know it, as his last two movies are this and Norbit. Talk about a career at an absolute nadir.


Get Smart: This one's been out for quite some time, but last week was the first time I'd seen it in a theatre. I don't know if it will be any good or not (I suspect not), but prepare to laugh your ass off around the 53 second mark of this trailer.


Amusement: I have a clue what this is about, but it's got a scary clown killer in it, which is good enough for me.


The Incredible Hulk: Apparently, Ang Lee's existential take on The Hulk wasn't shitty enough by Hollywood standards, so they found someone who would make a shittier version. Yes, that's right: This is NOT a sequel to The Hulk, but an entirely new film. And it looks completely awful.


The Midnight Meat Train: I have no idea how they managed to adapt Clive Barker's story into a movie, but...here it is.


And, lastly, but not leastly,

Righteous Shoot: DeNiro and Pacino, together in the same movie. How are you NOT going to see this?


Check 'em out if you like what you see.

Hit The Road, You Motherfucker

Just days after getting knocked out of the NCAA tournament on a lucky shot, Tom Crean gave Marquette another punch in the mouth, and told them he was going to take the vacant Indiana coaching job.

Indiana's program has recently been decimated by their head coach being fired over recruiting fraud, players leaving for the draft and others getting kicked off the team. This is what Crean left Marquette for.

He leaves a team with all but one of their starters expected to return. He leaves a school that was paying him one of the highest salaries in college basketball, and was willing to give him literally anything he wanted. Leaves all this to coach at "magical" Indiana.

Fuck Indiana. I hope their starters do go to the draft. I hope the players that got kicked off the team stay off the team. I hope Indiana goes 0-34.

Yes, and fuck you too, Tom Crean. Have fun coaching in the Big 10 with your weak-ass program. I'm sure Marquette fans will revel Wisconsin handing your ass to you twice a year for the rest of your miserable career. So, fuck him.

Now begins the rebuilding, chiefly, finding a new coach. There's a lot of talk about Tony Bennett, son of legendary Wisconsin coach Dick Bennett and current coach at Washington State. He's a hell of a coach, and has ties to the state (he's from here). If he was the coach, maybe he could teach the guys how to shoot three-pointers (because they suck at it), as he could sure shoot the shit out of the ball when he played.

But, that probably won't happen. We'll see, but I'm not holding my breath. All's I know is that as long as Tom Crean fucks himself and the horse he rode in on, I'll be happy.

Dr. Pepper Loves G N' R

Today, it was reported that the Dr. Pepper company would give a free Dr. Pepper to every man, woman, and child in the U.S. (with the odd exceptions of former G N' R guitarists Slash and Buckethead) if Guns N' Roses actually releases its long-awaited album Chinese Democracy during the 2008 calender year. The company claimed that they could appreciate the 10+ years it is taking the band to put out the record, as Dr. Pepper itself took a long time to perfect its mix of 23 ingredients.

Axl Rose issued a response, stating, "We are surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper with our album Chinese Democracy, as for us, this came totally out of the blue. If there is any involvement with this promotion by our record company or others, we are unaware of such at this time. And as some of Buckethead's performances are on our album, I'll share my Dr Pepper with him."

Ya know, to me, it sounds like Dr. Pepper doesn't want G N' R to release Chinese Democracy. Three hundred fifty million people times whatever a can of Dr. Pepper costs sounds like a hell of a corporate writedown to me. It sounds to me like they're hedging their bets, and are hoping that, well, it's already been 14 years; why the hell would it come out this year?

It's a nice promotional item, both for Dr. Pepper and G N' R, one that I don't think will amount to anything from either side. I, personally, hope they do release their record, as I could use a Dr. Pepper right about now.

Sure would be tasty.

Last Five Movies

Revolver (2005)
Why is Guy Richie still allowed to make movies? His first two movies were exactly the same, his third was a Madonna vanity project, and this one is a complete piece of shit. Maybe that's why it sat on the shelf for two years and no one has ever heard of it.

Bee Movie (2007)
The most complicated movie ever made about bees. I thought they just flew everywhere. Who knew they used cars?

Female Yakuza Tale: Inquisition and Torture (1973)
Toei Studios in Japan used to make sex-and-violence movies by the dozens. There were actresses like Reiko Ike (who's in this one) and Miki Sugimoto who only starred in these movies. And they're usually pretty great...except for this one, which is nowhere near as good as Sex and Fury, the movie for which this is a sequel. Lots more sex, but a lot less violence. That's bullshit.

The Ghost Galleon (1974)
Armando de Ossorio made four Blind Dead films, of which this is the third. Regardless of title, they're all pretty much the same: the Blind Dead rise from the grave and kill everyone. And that's about it.

Slow, slow, SLOW week:

The Mist (2007)
Actually, a pretty good adaptation of the Stephen King story, which, in movie terms, isn't saying much, but it's still a decent movie. However, it may contain the greatest ending ever committed to film. The morale of the story: Don't count your chicken before they hatch. Or something like that.

Check it out.

You Know It's A Slow News Day When This Makes The Cut

For no reason, I happened to catch part of Inside Edition the other day. The story I happened to catch was about the "Brady Bunch Curse."

As you probably know, the Brady house, which was featured in every episode of the show, is an actual house in Studio City, CA. It's still there to this day (although it looks slightly different). And, as it was in every episode of The Brady Bunch, even though it's currently a private residence, it's still a tourist attraction.

The gist of the story on Inside Edition was that the woman who lives directly to the left of the Brady House has had her house up for sale for three months, yet has had no prospects. Inside Edition speculated that it was because of the tourist traffic scaring off prospective buyers. I, being naive, speculated that asking $1.3 million for a 2000 sq ft house with the economy and the housing market in the toilet was scaring off prospective buyers. But I think Inside Edition might be on to something here. Maybe there is a "Brady Curse" that keeps neighboring houses from selling.

That has to be it. I can't see any other reason. Inside Edition nails another one.

BOOYAH!!

It's March Madness Time

Now that Marquette has been knocked out of the NCAA Tournament by the luckiest piece-of-shit shot I have ever seen, my March Madness is done with. Some comments on what I saw prior to that:

-Is it just me, or does Marquette appear to have a set play where they dribble down court, brick a three-pointer, and then tip in the rebound? Because they do it all the fucking time, so it must be a play, right? Here's an idea: LAY OFF THE GODDAMN THREES. (BTW, I appreciated Dick Enberg's moment of senility when he called Marquette "The Warriors.")

-The Girl had seen one, maybe two, NCAA games prior to this year, yet she's become quite the bracket handicapper. She picked Villanova for the Sweet 16, for Christ's Sake! Speaking of which...

-How crazy is it that every low seed won the first round in Tampa? That's never happened before. Which brings me to...

-Fuck Duke. If ever there was a team that deserved to lose to red-hot West Virginia, it's the Blue Devils. So, good riddance; fuck them. Now I can go eight months without having to hear how great they are.

-I was kinda hoping those Wisconsin Badger fuckers were going to play Georgetown in the Sweet 16, but those upstart punks from Davidson ruined that. But, that one Davidson guy scored like 70 points in the first two rounds, so maybe he'll be able to send those Badger jags home as well.

-Is anyone watching the NIT? I saw one game, Ohio St. v. UNC-Asheville, and I will say one thing: Kenny George (of UNC) is incredibly huge. He's the only guy I've ever seen who makes Shaq look like a runt. Unfortunately, George's ridiculous skill at catch-and-dunk were no match for Ohio St. And, speaking of which...

-Does anyone find it a little convenient that Ohio St. and Florida (who both weren't good enough to make The Big Show this year) were placed on opposite sides of the bracket, so that they could possibly play in the NIT version of last year's NCAA championship game (in two different sports)? That NIT selection committee, I tell ya!!

So, that's it: My interest in college basketball is over for the year. Marquette had a nice run, even if they did play Kentucky too early in the tourney to make a real run at it. Maybe they'll do better next year. Or, lose in the first round like they do every other year. We'll see how it pans out in '09.

Oh, and btw: Fuck Duke.

Oh, Now They've Done It

A week or so ago, Warner Brothers released photos of the costumes for the characters in their upcoming Watchmen movie. You can check them out on this slideshow at Yahoo, or just go to the movie's official website.

So, I guess since they have character costumes, and, looking at the website, they appear to have sets and whatnot, I guess they're actually going to make a Watchmen movie.

I've lamented the fact that this would eventually happen before, and I'm really not that pleased about it. It's being done without the cooperation of Alan Moore, who passes on participating in any film version of his work. I mean, look at how pissed off he looks in that picture on the right. Does that look like a guy who's happy to have his masterpiece turned into what will probably be a piece of shit movie? I think not.

Not that any of this is a surprise. Studios have been attempting to turn Watchmen into a movie almost since it was published (as you can see by the "2006" date in the teaser banner that tops this post). This property has been in turnaround for nearly 20 years. And I can understand why.
It's an incredibly dense story, with three or four storylines going on at once, one of which is the narrative of a comic-within-a-comic that mirrors the main plotline. And it's not a "happy" story, by any means. It's violent, depressing, with Nixon still President, and the U.S. is on the brink of war with Russia. It's also got a take on terrorism that might hit a little close to post-9/11 New York City.

And you can't exactly make a faithful adaptation when Moore is of no help. Joel Silver or whatever producer is running this thing can't call Moore and say, "Alan, I'm having some trouble with Chapter 3 here. Any story ideas?" They'll be greeted with a "Go fuck yourself," or some other witty Briticism. The only reason his name will appear at all in the credits is because the Writers Guild requires it to. Otherwise, I'm sure he'd take a pass. Really, this has the makings of a disaster written all over it.

But, I thought the same thing when I heard they were turning the Sin City books into a movie, and that movie was, literally, the comic on film. Maybe Watchmen will turn out the same.

But I doubt it.

Awwwww, Drag

I hate Brett Favre.

Having lived in Wisconsin his entire playing career, all I've ever heard about is how great Brett Favre is. Honestly, in those first couple of years, I couldn't see what was so special about this pill-popping hick with the phonetically-incorrect name. Sure, he won an MVP, but, as I've said before, everybody's got one MVP year in them. I didn't see what the big deal was.

And then the Packers won the Super Bowl.

Suddenly, you'd've thought Christ had come back and was playing for the Packers. Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre and how great the fucking Packers were was all I ever heard. This is where the hatred really kicked in. After he won his second MVP in '96, I threatened to stop watching football if he won it again. (He did, but the Packers getting smoked in the Super Bowl made me rescind my threat.)

The Packers never went to the Super Bowl again, but all you ever heard, year after year, was "The Pack's gonna win it this year!" It's enough to make a player hater like myself wanna kill people.

But, like all bad things, they do eventually end, and Brett Favre finally retired.

Now, like other players I've hated on in the past that retired (Michael Jordan being another good example), Favre can be appreciated for his career, as I no longer have to see him play or hear about how great he is every fucking day.

So, I'll just come out and admit it: Favre was great; possibly the best ever.

During his 16 years, he managed to break every major passing record. He's one of three players to win the MVP three times (in a row, even). And even though he only won the one Super Bowl, the fact that he did it with a very much second-rate team only adds to his greatness. Hell, the fact he was able to win with any of the terrible teams he got saddled with (particularly the '07 squad) is quite a feat in and of itself.

Will his greatness stand the test of time? If Payton Manning stays healthy and consistent, he'll break most of Favre's records. It'll be a stretch, but it can be done.

However, he did set two records last season which are pretty much unbreakable. His 253 consecutive starts at quarterback (270-something including playoffs) is akin to, and possibly more impressive than, Cal Ripkin's consecutive games streak, and just as unbreakable. That's 16 years of never missing a game, which, in football, is unheard of. The more dubious record is Favre's 288 interceptions. The only person who would have a remote chance to beat that is Vinny Testeverde, except that a) he retired, and b) he played until he was 57 and still didn't get close to 288.

And, with the end of the Favre Era comes the end of the Packers ever being good again. I think they expected Favre never to retire, so they really never came up with a plan for when he did. There's no Steve Young waiting in the wings to take over. And when you've got a guy who's never missed a game, it's kinda hard to develop a backup. So, I don't suspect they'll ever be good again, especially since the team they had this year, with the exception of Favre, was really terrible.

And that's that: One of the greats retires, and the Packers become a first-year expansion team. I'm pleased on both counts.

"Where Jacko's Money At?"

Last week, it was made public that Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch would be auctioned off unless he comes up with $25 million in the next three weeks. While, in terms of a real estate transaction, I think that's pretty fair, as banks usually don't give non-Kings of Pop that much time to come up with payment, what boggles my mind is how the hell Michael Jackson can't pay this thing off.

Here's a guy who has one album, a single album, that sold 100 million copies. Add the rest of his catalog, and there's another couple 100 million sales. The 25th anniversary reissue of that same record sold 166,000 copies its first week, good for #2 for that week and is double that now. (Pretty impressive, considering literally every person on the planet already owns the original.)

Here's a guy who, at one point, owned the publishing rights to the entire Beatles catalog, one of maybe two catalogs to sell more records than his. (He's since been reduced to a 25% stake.)

Here's a guy who sold out tour after tour all around the world, including the All-Groweds-Up Jackson 5 Tour.

All that, yet his ass is as broke as a bum in the street. Where the fuck did all that money go?

Take a look at a guy like Ted Turner. Turner lost $9 billion when AOL Time Warner nearly went bankrupt, and still had a billion left. That's what we in the biz call "investing," that you can lose $9 billion and still have enough money left to not have to earn a penny for the rest of your life.

I think Jacko may want to head down to the community college and enroll in an Econ 101 class, because he obviously has no concept of how to hold onto any money. And, because of it, he, Blanket, and the rest of the Jackson clan have to live in a refrigerator box behind the local Costco.

Bravo, Michael. Maybe you can rub your last two nickels together and wish for a magical bankruptcy attorney to appear. You're pretty much fucked otherwise.

Iron Man Might Be Cool

This week's episode of Lost had the newest trailer for Iron Man. Check it out:



Honestly, I haven't made up on my mind on this movie yet. Back in my comic book days, Iron Man was my favorite book. I still have dozens of issues starting at issue #4, all the way through the 200s. Needless to say, I'm a fan.

Most Comic Book Movies invariably fuck up something that drives the die-hard fans nuts (like all the differences between the comic book and movie X-Men). I'm sure Iron Man does the same, but I'm seeing a lot of things that follow the books. Like Tony Stark getting captured and building the first Iron Man armor to escape. Or the fact that the next armor version was gold. I also see Obadiah Stane, who would ruin Stark's life and business, and the Iron Monger, which would seriously ruin Stane's life.

But, I also see things that are out of whack. Like Jim Rhodes, who was an integral part of the Iron Man books, as he actually was Iron Man for a number of years, but appears to be relegated to the buddy role in the movie. Also, the thing that applies the Iron Man armor resembles the "IT," that mode of transportation that Mr. Garrison invented on South Park (ya know, the one that was powered by fellatio and sodomy?). In the comics, the armor was only rigid when electrical current ran through it. Otherwise it folded completely flat and could be carried in a briefcase.

I'm still kinda stoked to see the movie, but I'm sure they've done something to fuck up my favorite superhero.

They always do.