Making Some Odd Movie Choices

I was looking through the local movie listings, thinking maybe I wanted to see The Prestige. The Girl had expressed some interest as well. But, my search proved fruitless, as neither of the theatres in town here are playing the movie. Which seems odd to me, as The Prestige was the #1 movie at the box office last week.

What's odder still is that one of our theatres, rather than have one showing of The Prestige, decided to go with three showings of Pirates of the Caribbean 2, which has been out for three and a half months. It comes out on video in another month. I suspect that most people who are going to see it have seen it, since it's already the sixth highest-grossing movie ever; I really can't see a high enough turnout to justify three shows. Yet, apparently, theatres here in The JVL won't even show new movies for fear that folks might not be able to get their Pirates fix, being such big fans and all.

What a goofy fucking place this is.

Wisconsin: Home Of The Fuck-Up

My adopted home state of Wisconsin is known for producing cranberries and speed skaters. But, I'm seeing we're starting to produce something else: social misfits that make the national news. We had the man who tried to kill Teddy Roosevelt, the kid that stole the actual film version of The Phantom Menace, the three kids who dug up a corpse for a little sexual gratification, we've even had a couple of cannibals. Now, we've got this adorable little brat pictured to the left.

Little Timmy (or whatever his name is), from Antigo, WI (which is in the uncivilized part of WI) somehow managed to crawl inside one of those crane games, when he felt that actually going inside the machine would be a much easier way to get a stuffed Sponge-Bob than using that annoying crane. He was trapped in the machine for a couple of hours, before being rescued by firefighters.

Add one more dumbass to the list.

It All Makes Sense Now

A somewhat confusing aspect of Grey's Anatomy makes sense to me now. Now I understand why it was awkward for Meredith to sleep with George; why George doesn't seem to have any issues with having three hot female roommates; why George would rather go home and hang out with said roommates than have sex with Callie.

The reason? Because he's gay.

Grey's star T.R. Knight, who plays George on the show, recently confirmed that he is gay. I guess he thought it would be a good idea to confirm this after he was involuntarily outed during the much-publicized fight between co-stars Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey.

I find it somewhat odd that, even though Knight just now came out in real life, and doesn't actually play a gay character on the show, the writers seem to have written him as a gay. I wouldn't be surprised if George came out on the show as well.

You watch; it'll happen.

It's About Fucking Time

It's good to see that the industry "leader" in software and technology needed 10 years and seven versions of Internet Explorer to include a feature that every other browser on the planet has had for years.

On Wednesday, Microsoft released Internet Explorer 7, now featuring tabbed browsing. With this upgrade, it now joins the ranks of Firefox, Netscape, Opera, and, well, any other browser you can come up with to include that feature. It's good that Microsoft is right on the cusp of cutting-edge technology. (The Opera browser features an integrated BitTorrent downloader. That will probably be a dead format by the time Microsoft incorporates it into IE.)

In fact, if you look at all of the new features in IE 7, like integrated search and better security, you'll see that Microsoft looked at every browser out there, and included every feature they didn't have. Just years later. (I stopped using IE a number of years ago for many of these same reasons.)

I will give Microsoft props for one thing, though: They have the nicest-looking browser out of all of them; the other browsers look like the open-code, user-generated applications they really are. I do find it somewhat odd that the new, almost concurrent releases of iTunes and IE seem to have traded looks: iTunes took on the harsh, gun-metal grey appearance of IE, while IE went with the soft, luminescent blue appearance of iTunes.

We'll see how long it take for Microsoft to update IE again. I'm sure we can watch all the other browsers out there and see exactly what that new release will consist of.

Steve Wynn Is A Mongoloid Retard

Steve Wynn has made a lot of money in the casino business. His money has allowed him to buy one of the more impressive art collections in the world. Unfortunately, it hasn't allowed him to buy any sort of brain.

Yesterday, Wynn's office confirmed a story that Wynn accidentally destroyed the Picasso painting Le Reve, when he punched a hole in it with his elbow. As if that wasn't stupid enough, he had just finalized the sale of the painting for $139 million.

That's one pricey hole.

An Almighty Fuckload Of Money

Last week, The L.A. Times reported that Evan Almighty, the upcoming sequel to Bruce Almighty, may end up costing upwards of $250 million, once all production and marketing costs are figured in.

How the fuck is this movie gonna cost $250 million? Jim Carrey cost $20 million to star in the first one, and its budget was a third as much. James Cameron built a near-life-sized replica of the Titanic that broke in half and sunk on command, and that movie only cost $200 million. (And Titanic made all that money back, so that's a wash.) So, what the fuck could you possibly put in this movie to make it cost more than that? (Hint: it ain't Steve Carell)

I think we may have a new All-Time Money Loser on our hands. Unless Steve figures out how to open a movie in a real fucking hurry. But I don't see that happening. And I don't think the eight bucks that I'll throw its way is going to help.

Aaron Sorkin: Take Note

In this post, I lamented on my much-anticipated Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip not being as good as it should be. I think it's got a lot to do with the fact that Sorkin has merely taken The West Wing out of The White House, and recontextualized it into a sketch comedy show. I think this same cast could perform a script from The West Wing, and you wouldn't really know the difference.

It seems, however, that Tina Fey (of all people) actually has the upper hand in the Battle of Shows About a Saturday Night Live-like Show with 30 Rock. Fey has done the smart thing, and cast people who were actually on SNL (herself included), and brought along Lorne Michaels to produce as well. And, for a show about a comedy show, it happens to be funny. (Is it just me, or are the "sketches" on Studio 60 painfully unfunny?)

There's a lot of sly, witty humor going on in 30 Rock. While Studio 60 takes place on the fictional network NBS, 30 Rock actually takes place at NBC. (Which I find odd, since both shows actually air on NBC.) They also take jabs at NBC's corporate parent, GE. (The GE Trivection Oven may be the greatest fake product placement ever.) I like that Alec Baldwin plays a GE executive on the show, and is the voice of GE in real life. I also see an upcoming defammation lawsuit from Martin Lawrence for Tracy Morgan's thinly-veiled portrayal of him.

The biggest thing it has going for it is that I could actually see this stuff happening on an SNL-esque show. As I mentioned earlier, the subject matter on Studio 60 seems to outweigh the setting. When they were still both on SNL, I really can't see Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels going through a lot of the stuff that Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford go through in the same roles on their show. It's too serious.

Sorkin should probably watch a lot of 30 Rock; he might learn how to make his show work. Still great, but still not right.

The New Grindhouse Trailer

As most movie idiots like myself know, the next project for both Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino is Grindhouse, a double-feature homage to exploitation films of the '70s, complete with Coming Attractions between the two halves. Here's the first look:

Not sure, but this may be the Best Movie Ever, or The Worst Movie Ever; looks like it could go either way. (Rose McGowan with an M16A4 for a leg may be pushing it a little.) And, having some knowledge about this film, this whole trailer appears to be from Planet Terror, the Rodriguez half of the film. Which tells me that there isn't a lot of footage from the Tarantino half yet, or that it's completely unwatchable.

Unwatchable or not, as long as it's better than Kill Bill, I'll be happy. Hell, THIS is better than Kill Bill:

And that's pretty pathetic.

Oh, The Humanity

When I heard that a small plane had crashed into a skyscraper in downtown New York City on the five year, one month anniversary of 9/11, I figured some Al-Qaeda nutjob just got the date wrong for launching a commemorative terrorist strike on New York. But turns out in was actually Yankees pitcher Corey Lidle, who, I assume, other than his team getting their ass whooped in the playoffs, really had no reason to launch a terrorist attack on New York. So, must have been an accident.

The only comment I have on this tragedy is that I'm glad he waited to crash into a building as long as he did, since I had him on my fantasy baseball team, and him dying would have fucked up my rotation.

That would have been tragic.

While We're On The Subject...

I thought maybe I'd give my views on this fall's new shows (at least what I've seen so far).

Six Degrees (ABC)
JJ Abrams tries to make an entire series out of the "six degrees" aspect that makes Lost such a great show. And it makes for a terrible show. Abrams should maybe stop producing TV shows, and spend more time on the new Star Trek movie.

Heroes (NBC)
Pretty much Unbreakable as a TV show. It's actually pretty good. I especially liked the little Japanese guy who travels five weeks into the future, gets picked up for the murder of a guy who predicted a terrorist attack on New York, and then returns to the past just as New York gets destroyed. Good stuff. The only thing that will kill it is if all these "heroes" get together as an X-Men-ish group, but, it's still watchable now.

'Til Death (Fox)
This show was much better when Ray Romano played the Brad Garrett role. It's still funny, if not insanely derivative. And this makes how many sitcoms Joely Fisher has been in? At least 50?

Smith (CBS)
This show is the only reason I've watched CBS since, shit, Falcon Crest went off the air. And it really wasn't worth the wait. I mean, I like Ray Liotta and all, but he just isn't Ray enough on this show. (Ray Liotta fans know exactly what I'm talking about.) May require a couple more viewings. The episode where the guys break into a National Guard armory carrying a kitten was adorable, though.

Shark (CBS)
In truth, I found another reason to watch CBS. James Woods, in recent years, has dialed it down quite a bit. I was beginning to miss the old coked-out, manic Jimmy Woods. But, he's back here. Shark would be infinitely better if Woods was allowed to say "fuck" every other word, but this is network TV. And decent network TV, at that. Ray Liotta should take some tips from Woods, and play up his lunatic tendencies.

Standoff (Fox)
When you make a show called Standoff, you might expect the show to focus more on standoffs, and less on whether the two main characters are fucking. No such luck here. Not good at all.

Friday Night Lights (NBC)
Movie-to-TV show adaptations are shaky at best, but I got a good feeling about this one. I have a obsidian heart, and an adamantium spine, but I'll admit I got a little choked up in the last 20 minutes. Fuckin' sports shows love to do that shit: play with mens' emotions. If every episode is like this, I might actually think about shedding a tear. Just maybe. And it's nice to see that Connie Britton made the movie-to-TV show transition. Very rare these days; brings some credibility to the proceedings.

Justice (Fox)
Yet another slick Jerry Bruckheimer procedural show, this time with defense attorneys. And this show does what no other lawyer show does, and that's portray defense attorneys for what they are: lawyers, not bleeding hearts out to save the world pro bono. It also features a cast made up almost entirely of actors from shows canceled in the last year or so. Which is great, since one of them is Victor Garber, and him reading aloud from The Washington Post would be more interesting than most of the shit on TV. Well worth a watch.

Dexter (Showtime, of all places)
Who knew that the best pilot I've seen all year would be on fucking Showtime, the red-headed stepchild of premium cable? What's not to love about this premise: a forensic pathologist who moonlights as a vigilante serial killer of other serial killers, all while playing a cat-and-mouse game with yet another serial killer. If the rest of the season delivers as much as the pilot did, this may be the best show on TV. Along with Weeds and Bullshit!, it's the only reason to watch Showtime.

By Reader Request

I consider myself an Aaron Sorkin fan. I've enjoyed everything he's written (with the exception of Sports Night, which, I don't know, just didn't seem that good). So, needless to say, I was pretty stoked when he decided to come back to television with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

The verdict is still out on this one. The writing is great, but maybe Sorkin just isn't suited for this material. It's nowhere near as smart or well-written as The West Wing (which won the Best Drama Emmy every year Sorkin, who also wrote every episode, was with the show). There's a weird religious undertone to the show which seems out of place.

The casting also leaves something to be desired. Oh sure, Bradley Whitford is great in the Bradley Whitford part, and Matt Perry has dialed the Chandler down enough to be entertaining, but some of the other choices just don't work. Allison Janney would have been much better in Amanda Peet's role. (And why can you still see Amanda's teeth, even when her mouth is closed?) And Steven Weber just doesn't work in a role that, well, Tim Daly should have played. (How's that for a Wings mix-and-match?) And don't even get me started on the "cast." They should pick up Horatio Sanz and Chris Parnell now that they've been kicked off SNL; at least those guys have actually been on a sketch comedy show.

Like I said, verdict's still out on this one. Hopefully, even though it's doing so shitty in the ratings, it will stick around long enough to turn into something good. I sure hope so; there's gotta be at least one decent thing to watch on TV.

CSI Got Pantsed

Ever since CSI moved to its Thursday 9/8c timeslot, it has never lost that timeslot. In fact, it is consistently the highest-rated show of the year. (Actually, American Idol is the highest-rated show, but I won't even acknowledge that as a TV show.)

Then, something funny happened. ABC decided that Grey's Anatomy had gotten its sealegs, and no longer needed its Desperate Housewives lead-in, and moved Grey's against CSI. And, guess what: CSI lost.

Mind you, both show garnered more than 20 million viewers, which is a lot for just two shows, but CSI still lost.

I've got one thing to say about this whole thing: Fuck you, Jerry Bruckheimer; stings, don't it, big boy. There's a reason that Law & Order is no longer a top 10 show, and I think you just figured out why. Bravo.

Reason #2,596 Not To Remake A Movie

I'm not telling you anything new when I say I don't like remakes. If you want to see a movie, go fucking see the original; it's always better than the remake. And, of course, it's the case with the remake of The Wicker Man.

First off, there's no reason to remake The Wicker Man. When the original was released in 1973, it was not well-received. Only in the 33 years since its release has a gained an avid cult following. A CULT following, meaning that really no one has still seen it. Popular movies like Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre have huge followings, and the greedy cocksuckers who produce the remakes know they can mine the nostalgia of the original films to line their own dirty fucking pockets. (Bitter much?) But Wicker Man? No one saw it the first time around; who's going to see the remake? (Me, apparently, but that might have something to do with my borderline retardation.)

Of course, as is the case with all remakes, the producers feel they have something new to bring to the movie, and feel the need to change the original story. And this is what completely destroys The Wicker Man. Rather than, like in the original, having a plain old pagan society, you have a pagan society where the men are subservient to the women. Not a big deal, but it's a detail that doesn't improve the movie at all; makes it a little worse, actually. And, while the concept of pagans, dressed up like animals, singing and dancing about, may have mirrored the hippy, dippy vibe of 1973, that same concept comes off as pretty hokey 33 years later. (At least we don't have to experience Christopher Lee singing and dancing in this one. It's a scary thing.)

The worst change that Neil LaBute, who wrote and directed the movie, has made is that he extracted all of the intelligence from Anthony Shaffer's original story. The whole Christian v. Pagan, Science v. Religion argument, that made the original film at least moderately interesting, is gone. There's no reason for Nick Cage to dislike the citizens of Summersisle, other than the fact the women don't like men. Ed Woodward didn't like them in the original because he was a devout Catholic. At the ending of the original, Ed Woodward actually postulates a scientific explanation for the crops failing. Nick Cage just goes out screaming. That's some terrible writing.

At least LaBute was smart enough not to bitch out on the ending of the original. Turning it into an feel-good ending would have been a killable offense. However, he did feel the need to tack on an absolutely idiotic epilogue that really blows the air out of the surprising ending. Way to go, moron.

All and all, a pretty rough experience. Avoid like poison ivy.

Something Else I Learned From The Wicker Man

The actress pictured above, whose name is Kate Beahen, and plays the mother of the missing girl in The Wicker Man, is not the same actress as this woman,

whose name is Vera Farmiga, and got a blow job from Paul Walker in Running Scared.

Learn something new every day.

I Guess This Makes My Morten Andersen Jersey Good Again

Earlier this week, the Atlanta Falcons announced that they were bringing in a new kicker to take over placekicking duties for kicking phenom Michael Koenen after the Falcons discovered that he couldn't actually kick fieldgoals. So, they brought in the best kicker they've ever had (and possibly the best kicker ever): 46 year old Morten Andersen.

Since Mort is back in the league, I guess I can bring my Andersen jersey out of retirement. Mind you, it's a Saints jersey, and Andersen hasn't played for the Saints in 10 years, but, hey, it's a Morten Andersen jersey. You find another one of those in existence, and I'll give you a kick in the balls for being a smartass.

Take that how you will.

Change This/That Channel!

There's a reality show on TV called Flip This House that I enjoy. It's about a Charleston, SC, property development company that buys properties, fixes them up, and sell them for a profit. Hence, the title, Flip This House. Until recently, I had no idea what channel this show was on. I would just see it in the TiVo guide and flip to it.

So, the other day, while flipping through the guide, I see there's a marathon of what I thought was Flip This House on TLC. I go to TLC, and find out that it's an entirely different show. Same concept, different show. This is when The Girl informed me that Flip This House was on A&E. What I was watching was Flip That House, not Flip This House. How confusing is that!

This is made even more confusing by the fact that A&E has two other versions of Flip This House that they air. So, when you flip to it, you never know what you're going to get.

Oh well. I guess that just means I watch too much TV.

iTunes 7.0 Is Pretty Much Shit

In the auto industry, every so often, they come out with a new model of a car. Sure, cars change every year, but, every five years or so, they junk it out and come out with a whole new version. Software is the same way. There are lots of upgrades, but they do occasionally come out with brand new versions. And iTunes, which has been essentially unchanged since its creation, is "all new for 2007." And it's all bad.

I really liked iTunes 6.0: the luminescent buttons and scrollbars that glowed blue when you used them; the simple drop-down interface on the left side. It was a nice piece of software. ITunes 7.0: not so much. The blue buttons have been replaced by ugly gun-metal grey ones that do no sort of glowing; the buttons on the top and bottom aren't even the same color, kinda throwing the pleasing aesthetic of the whole thing out of whack. The menu bar on the left side is now broken up into different categories that drop down that don't even fit in the space allotted in the sidebar. When you plug in your iPod, instead of going to its library, it brings up the setup screen, which is great, if you want to change the settings on your iPod every time you plug it in, but mildly annoying if you just want to listen to some fucking music.

iTunes 7 does have some nice new features, however. I like how you can flip through all of the album covers and see what songs you have from those albums. And I like the counter that shows how many unlistened to podcasts and unfinished downloads you have. But, other than that, there is no improvement on the old iTunes; just more to hate.

George Lucas Is A Motherfucker

I respect an artist's integrity and the choices he makes to protect it, but, when his choices just fuck with people, that's just wrong. And George Lucas is that kinda guy.

None of what follows will be any surprise to Star Wars fans, but I'll recount the whole thing just for posterity's sake. It all started back in 1997, when George Lucas decided to rerelease the three original Star Wars movies as a gear-up for the impending release of The Phantom Menace. Instead of doing just a plain, old rerelease, he went back and reedited and changed the movies to correct things that he thought were wrong with the movies. (I, personally, never had any problems with these new versions, except for Star Wars. Not to sound like a fucking film geek, but the "Greedo shot first" thing is gay.)

Following the theatrical release, the "revisions" were released on video, but VHS only; no DVD. These were now the "official" versions of the films. The original versions (like the aforementioned version of Star Wars that I preferred, that had had seven previous video releases) were no longer available. They also came out with a fourth version of the trilogy boxset that was nothing but the revisions. But, once again, no DVD. Disappointing, but Star Wars fans made due.

Jump ahead seven years, and now there's a DVD boxset of the revised movies. Seeing as VHS is essentially a dead format, this is huge news, as no one owned them on DVD until now, and Lucas was even nice enough to add a ton of extras and even make additional changes to the movies (like adding Hayden Christensen at the end of Jedi). Needless to say, everyone (including me, who had never owned any of the previous versions of the movies) went out and bought that set. Even if you preferred the old versions, you bought them, as they're the only thing available on DVD.

Until tomorrow, that is. On September 12, Lucasfilms is releasing the DVDs again, this time with the original versions of the films as a bonus disc for each movie. Remember that original version of Star Wars that I liked? Well, now I can own it on DVD. Too bad I already own that version I don't care for so much (and I don't buy shit twice).

I have one thing to say on this whole thing: Make up your fucking mind. You're either going to go with the originals or the revisions. Stop rereleasing the fucking things. If you're going to take them away, take them away forever; don't say they're gone, and then release them a year and a half later. In fact, if you'd've done this the first time, you could have saved some money by not having to release these things twice in such a short time.

Oh well. When you have all the money in the world, and sole control of the most popular movies in the world, I guess you can do whatever the fuck you want. Even if it means acting like a real motherfucker to your fans. Thanks bunches, George.

No One Really Cares

Earlier in the week, Brad Pitt made the announcement that, unless the government took steps to approve gay marriage, he and Angelina Jolie would not get married.

Hmmm, let me check something out. The world didn't end, there were no disasters, no national guard troops deployed to Malibu, no new legislation was passed: everything remained the same after this Earth-shattering news. I guess no one cared.

Not that I'm surprised. It's just another case of some fucking celebrity thinking that what he says is important in any kind of way. It's especially worse coming from a guy who left his hot wife and a life of luxury in California to go to deepest, darkest Africa and carry around a baby with a woman who's been around the block more times than the mail man.

Sounds like someone I'd take all my advice from, seeing as he doesn't even know what a good trade is.

Best Buy Will Totally Anally Rape You

Seeing as I was about to upgrade to HD cable, and TiVo has an impending HD box coming out, I figured it was about time to upgrade to free up some of those component video inputs on my TV. So, I decided to buy an HD DVD player. Mind you, not a true HD DVD player, like the one Toshiba makes, as those players are insanely expensive, and there are two competing formats (Blu-Ray is the other) and I don't want to get stuck with Beta (if you know what I mean), but an "up-convert" model that plays conventional DVDs in HD. I did some on-line shopping, and found a Samsung DVD/VCR player that did what I wanted at Best Buy. (I found a Sony that was virtually the same as my current player, but, for some reason, Best Buy only offers that one on-line.) So, of I went to Best Buy.

The first thing I looked for was an HDMI cable, the wondrous audio/video connector that makes 1080p resolution possible. And Best Buy had plenty of them. Unfortunately, some of them cost as much as the player itself. Their cheapest one was $60. Nigga, please. (I later picked up an HDMI cable, a surge protector, and an S-video cable for $45 at Wal-Mart. Sixty bucks, my ass.)

The next problem I ran into was they didn't appear to have the model I wanted in stock. Oh sure, they have the demo model, but none in stock. Every other DVD player, they got. But not this one. I waited approximately six hours for someone to help me, and, finally, I was given the one I wanted. (I don't know what it is with Best Buy: If you're just browsing, they're all over you; if you're buying, it's like a fucking ghost town.)

So, I get it home, get everything hooked up, and...it only played discs distributed by Anchor Bay. Which is fine, if I only wanted to watch The Beyond or Army of Darkness, but not so good for everything else. (I will say that The Beyond looks absolutely great in 1080i; too bad it doesn't improve the quality of the actual movie any.) Needless to say, I was mildly pissed.

Back to Best Buy I went, where I exchanged it for another one, hoping that this was just a problem with that unit, and not every one of that model. When I got it home, this one worked. (Thank Christ.) And everything I played on it looked great. Everyone (and by "everyone," I mean "me") was happy.

If you're still rolling with the old analog equipment, you pretty much need to upgrade as soon as possible. And if you're cable isn't HD, you need to get that, too; you have no idea what you're missing. Just maybe avoid Best Buy, if possible.

The Crocodile Hunter Finally Gets His Comeuppance

Talk about irony: Steve Irwin, who has wrestled crocodiles, grabbed poisonous snakes with his bare hands, and had countless run-ins with hundreds of dangerous beasts, finally got killed by a stingray, an animal I myself (and thousands of others) have had a non-lethal encounters with at Sea World.

Seriously, it was only a matter of time. You'd think maybe he would have learned from the example of Roy Horn, who got mauled by a white tiger that actually lived with the guy. If your own pets are going to try and kill you, don't be surprised when a totally random stingray decides to kill your ass.

Oh well. It was a nice run while it lasted. Have fun in that great animal sanctuary in the sky, Steve.

And The Winners Were...

Since I was dumb enough to write this post, I suppose I should be dumb enough to write a follow-up.

Outstanding Animated Program (for Programming Less Than One Hour)
So, South Park didn't win. But neither did Family Guy, which is a win in my book.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Again with the Denis Leary thing.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Alan Alda playing a Republican is a stretch worthy enough of an Emmy.

Outstanding Guest Actress In A Comedy Series
Malcolm in the Middle, a show that jumped the shark when all the kids turned 30, won more Emmys than Arrested Development. Go figure.

Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series
Am I the only one that thought The Sopranos sucked this year? Apparently, Emmy voters didn't.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
You can have success post-Seinfeld. Things are looking up for Jason Alexander.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Finally, one they got right. And, if you missed Jeremy Piven verbally depantsing Billy Bush on the red carpet, you missed something funnier than three seasons of Entourage.

Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series
There goes that streak.

Outstanding Lead Actress/Lead Actor/Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Anytime these three can win Emmys, they should. And the fact Helen Mirren said "tits" right on live TV is Emmy-worthy.

Outstanding Guest Actress In A Drama Series
Six Feet Under, a show that I thought went off the air years ago, won more Emmys than Arrested Development. Go figure.

Outstanding Individual Performance In A Variety Or Music Program
Stephen Colbert's post-loss diatribe was great.

Outstanding Drama Series
Fine. Don't like it, but at least Sopranos didn't win.

Outstanding Comedy Series
Arrested Development, which won at least one Emmy every year it was on the air, gets shut out in its final year. Oh well. The season three DVDs are great; waaaaay better than the fucking Emmys.

Tom Cruise: How To Flush A Career

Last week, it was announced that Paramount had refused to renew Tom Cruise's long-standing production deal with the studio. Viacom (or whatever the fuck it's called now) chairman Sumner Redstone summed it up nicely by saying they weren't renewing the deal because Tom Cruise "is batshit crazy." (Probably not his actual words.) Which is a shame, because it was a pretty good relationship for all parties.

I, personally, have never had any problem with Cruise as an actor. I think he's actually gotten better as an actor, and a couple of his last films have been some of the best of his career. But then he has a nervous breakdown on Oprah, argued with Matt Lauer, got jiggy with Kanye West, and had that "baby" that no one's ever seen. And now this.

While I'm sure Cruise won't have any problem picking up a new production deal (he's already secured a new independent financing deal), since all of his movies make money, I don't know if anyone will ever hire him again. Who knows; maybe this will straighten him out a little. I think we could all use a break from the antics of TomKat.

No Pulse In This One

Americans love the Asian movies, because they buy up Asian movie properties left and right. But they must hate Asians, because, instead of just releasing the movies as is, they remake them and recast them with lily-white American casts. And, I don't know, maybe it's those missing Asians that makes Pulse such a shitty Japanese-to-American translation.

I expected a little more from Wes Craven, who adapted the screenplay from Kiyoshi Kurosawa's original script, but then, Craven hasn't written anything good since New Nightmare, and that was 12 years ago. He seems to miss the point of the original, that, even though we are now able to connect with people in more ways than ever, we are essentially isolated because we've eliminated personal contact. The people in this movie don't kill themselves because ghosts tell them to or infect them with some sort of depression virus; they kill themselves because they realize they are completely alone, regardless of how "connected" they might be to the rest of the world. But, Craven would have you believe the ghost theory. He even goes so far as to have all the characters hanging out all the time, having fun and being happy. These aren't people who would commit suicide; it really doesn't ring true.

But, I blame the no-name director more than Craven. Kurosawa, who also directed the original, is Japanese, and, therefore, is just inherently able to create a terrifying atmosphere in a movie. (This is true of all Asian directors; it's in their DNA.) Sure, his films tend to be glacially paced, almost to the point of being boring, but he never fails to deliverer the thrills. This Americanized version is the same as every other horror movie that comes out nowadays: dim-witted, spastically edited, and noisy as hell. I'm not sure why we make horror movies anymore, because they all just turn out like the same piece of shit. You can fix a lot of story errors by properly editing together a well-made movie, but this isn't well-made.

There's some other things I had a problem with. In the original movie, the red tape was to keep the ghosts in, not keep them out. Craven must have got a poorly translated version of the original script. And what's with Brad Dourif making a totally random cameo; he must be a friend of the producers.

If you want to see Pulse the way it should be, rent the Japanese original. Better yet, go see The Descent, a foreign film actually released in the States that delivers plenty of scares. Check it out instead.

No Me Gusta Mucho Taco Bell

I eat at Taco Bell about once a month. I get the same thing every time I go: a #8 (three soft tacos) and a steak soft taco with no lime sauce. If I were an every day customer, I'm sure the attendants could recite my order by rote.

Or maybe not. It seems to be happening with more and more frequency that, whenever I place this order, what I actually get is a #3, which is three taco supremes, and a steak soft taco with no lime sauce. Which would be fine, because the taco supreme is practically the same as a regular taco, except it has tomatoes and sour cream: two foodstuffs of which I'm not very fond. So, inevitably, I end up sending the shit back, or just eating it and being pissed off.

What I don't understand is why this happens all the time. It's not as though I'm ordering a # "tree" and getting a # "three"; "eight" and "three" don't even sound the same. I realize the numerals kinda resemble each other, and the words contain some of the same letters, but...not the same.

And it's not as though there's any confusion as to what a #8 is. Taco Bell has a standardized menu, so, wherever you go, #8 is always the same thing. You wouldn't go to a Taco Bell in Paducah and get a roadkill burrito with beans if you order a #8; you'll get three soft tacos. And I always make sure to check that #8 is still what I want, because you never know when Taco Bell might stop offering the simplest item on its menu.

It's really a no-win situation. Maybe next time I go, I'll just point to the menu instead of ordering. Actually, the easiest thing to do would be to stop eating at Taco Bell, but that would ruin all the fun of getting pissed off every time out.

Oh, The Injustice

It's not bad enough that Fox has chosen to fill Arrested Development's regular timeslot with American Dad, a show which stopped being funny...well, it's never been funny, but they can't seem to find time for it in their schedule at all.

This is a good thing for Fox, I suppose, as it gives them an opportunity to fill their three-hours-a-night schedule with such gems as Celebrity Duets, where the possibility of Y2J and Dionne Warwick dueting on "That's What Friends Are For" is very high, and Everybody Loves Brad, which, I suspect, will start a "post-Seinfeld"-esque career death for former Raymond cast members.

Oh well. Since there aren't any shows on TV that I watch anymore (they all went the way of the dodo), I guess I'll have plenty of time to check out the My Network's hot, new telenovelas. I can't wait for fall.

"Didn't That Use To Be Called..."

While we're on the subject of Crappy New Fall Shows, has anyone else seen the promos for NBC's Kidnapped? Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure it's just a TV version of the Mel Gibson movie Ransom. The only thing missing from the show's promo is someone yelling, "GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!" Shit, it even appears to feature Delroy Lindo as an FBI agent: the same role he played in Ransom.

No word on whether Rene Russo, who's been out of work for some time, will be making a cameo.

Happy Birthday, Oscar Goldman

Just wanted to wish a happy 80th birthday to Richard Anderson, who played Steve Austin's boss on The Six Million Dollar Man.

Oh, and to Donnie Most, who played Ralph on Happy Days;

And to Mel Tillis, the stuttering country-western singer;

And to Larry Wilcox, the white guy on CHiPS;

And to Rikki Rockett, the drummer from Poison (which is still a band, by the way);

And to Scott Stapp, who used to be the problem with Creed (which is not still a band);

And to Drew "Not Nick" Lachey, who won Dancing with the Stars;

And to JC Chasez, one of the non-gay members of N'Sync.

And to some guy named Dustin Hoffman.

Big birth day, I guess.

Blast From The Past

Michael Mann's new iteration of Miami Vice is not your dad's Miami Vice (or yours, depending on your age). He's completely reinvented it for the new millennium. Gone are the pastel shirts and sockless topsiders; they're replaced with a cool palette of stylish clothes. Also gone are Crockett and Tubb's witty banter and playfulness; these new guys are as serious as fucking cancer, and always on the job. And that's exactly how this movie is: After the Universal Pictures logo, you hear the opening strains of "Numb/Encore," and the movie's rolling. No credits, no introductory exposition; just move, move, move for the next two and a half hours. (The only holdover from the TV version is the Jan Hammer-esque music, and a cover of "In the Air Tonight" over the end credits.)

Honestly, Mann's the only one who could have directed this movie. I think he's one of the most underrated action directors of our times, and he's made yet another movie that's intelligent and action-packed, as well as absolutely beautiful. There is no one working today who makes HD DV look so good. And there's no one (maybe ever) who makes scenes at night look better. His cinematographer, Dion Beebe, makes the work of Kaminski and Doyle look like that of film students. You will not see a cooler-looking movie this year.

And speaking of cool, remember how Mann's Heat made you want to be a bank robber, he made it look so cool? This movie will totally make you want to be a vice cop. If driving to work in F430s and M6s, and taking impromptu jaunts to Cuba in a go-fast boat are SOP for Miami vice cops, sign me up. It must be the best life ever.

But, for all this coolness, the movie does have some problems. The plot is completely incomprehensible; not quite Mission:Impossible-incomprehensible, but it's pretty close. And, I'm not sure, but I don't think that English is Gong Li's first language (or second, for that matter); kinda makes all of her lines impossible to understand. But, other than that, a great flick. Check it out.

Oh My Sweet, Titty-Fucking Christ

In the third ever post to this blog, I tore into M. Night Shyamalan for his perfectly awful The Village. I'm not sure about this, but it may be the reason I started this blog to begin with: to tear on Shyamalan's repertoire of terrible films. So, it should come as no surprise that, a year and a half later, I'd be ripping into him for his stupefyingly shitty Lady in the Water.

There are so many things wrong with this fucking movie that to not chronicle them all would be doing a disservice to you, the reader. First off, this movie has the stupidest plot EVER. Worse yet, there is a character that knows the plot, and is able to recite it whenever the other characters need some direction. I've heard of and seen movies in which you can "see" the screenplay at work, but this is the first one in which it's actually read during the movie. Even worse than that, there is a movie critic in the film, who doles out standard movie cliches that give the characters hints as to what might happen next. That's some shitty screenwriting.

The Law of Character Economy is in full effect as well. Every character essential to the outcome of the movie is introduced in the first two minutes. Every character not shown in these first two minutes is so unnecessary that they may as well not even be in the movie. They're merely filler, because having a massive apartment complex with only seven tenants would be unbelievable. (Not that anything else in this movie is.)

The worst thing about the movie is looking back at the whole thing once it's done. There's two ways this movie could have worked. You could have had Story (clever name, huh) be an escaped mental patient, who believes she's part of a fairy tale, and she and the Paul Giamatti character convince everyone she is who she says she is, only to have it all be made-up in the end. Or, you could have Story come along with her story, and have no one believe her, only to have it all be true in the end. Those stories would work; what Shyamalan has come up with does not. Having all of the characters believe Story's ridiculous tale right from the get-go stretches the realms of believability. It's fine if you want to tell a fairy tale (albeit, a lame one); it worked for The Princess Bride. But to shoehorn a fairy tale intact into a conventional plot, and then have everyone in the plot know it's a fairy tale is the dumbest fucking idea for a movie in history.

And this is where the screenplay shows through the cracks, because the only reason that anyone in the movie does what they do is because It's In The Screenplay. No one else in the world would behave as these people do, because their will is not being controlled by the stupidest screenplay EVER.

Obviously, I can't recommend this movie, not even as a morbid curiosity piece. There's just absolutely nothing in this movie to like: poorly written, poorly directed (which surprised me, because M. Night is usually a good director), poorly acted. Avoid it like poison, and maybe we can put this cocksucker out of business forever.

The Return Of Clerks

Something's been missing from Kevin Smith's movies for the past 10 years, made even more apparent by his last film, Jersey Girl. And that missing something would be the presence of Dante Hicks and Randal Graves.

If it were up to me (and, obviously, it's not), all of Smith's films would be nothing but Dante and Randal. There is nothing better than these two guys riffing off of each other. There guys are to Smith what William H. Macy and Joe Montegna are to David Mamet: there's no one better suited to spew their dialogue. Smith's first movie was nothing but these two, and it's still his best movie. So, needless to say, I was pretty stoked when Clerks II came out, which, once again, is nothing but Dante and Randal.

I won't lie to you and say that Smith has come up with anything original here, as he's essentially just remade Clerks, but in color. (For a fresh take on Dante and Randal, check out Clerks: The Animated Series. James Woods uttering the line, "Way to go, you beautiful, gay bastard!", is worth the purchase price alone.) But, it's Dante and Randal have the stupidest arguments any one has ever heard. And that is what we in the biz call "pure gold."

Great stuff; check it out. And remember: In the heat of passion, ass-to-mouth is acceptable.

Batman Next (Or Not)

What if I told you that Christopher Nolan, the writer and director of Batman Returns, has a new movie coming out, that stars Christian Bale and Michael Caine (also from Batman Returns), as well as X-Man Hugh Jackman? You'd probably say it was the sequel to Batman Returns, right? I'd say the same thing. And we'd be wrong.

No, Nolan's upcoming movie is something called The Prestige, about two competing magicians. One would think that, coming off the huge success of the Batman movie, if you got the cast and crew back together, you would just go ahead and make the sequel. It's like Gore Verbinski getting the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean back together to make Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. But, I guess Nolan wants to wait for the iron to get nice and cold before he strikes with another Batman movie. (And if the rumored casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker proves to be true, it may be a good thing that this sequel is years away. What's next: Jake Gyllenhaal as Penguin? Orlando Bloom as the Riddler? This can only get worse.)

Oh well. Maybe The Prestige will be decent enough to tide us over until Batman returns. Check out the trailer (or don't, if you're spoiler wary, since it gives away the apparent plot twist) if you're interested. I know I'm not.

The Best Thing About Superman Returns

Watched the original Superman the other night. I still stand by the fact that it's only the 2nd best of the original four movies, although it's still better than Superman Returns for the fact that there is actually some interplay between Lois and Superman.

But it did make me realize something else about Superman Returns. Bryan Singer, the writer and director, did something very smart that most superhero movies (that aren't sequels) fail to do: he assumes we know who Superman is.

When you start a series of superhero movies, invariably, the first movie in the series is basically the setup for the sequels. This is the "origin" movie, where the history of the superhero is given. They all start this way. They have to, because most people don't know anything about the characters, and you have to tell them what the deal is. (Comic book fans usually hate this first movie, because this is where the screenwriters tend to fuck up their beloved characters.)

But Superman Returns is different. It doesn't start out on Krypton with Jor-El sending Kal-El to Earth, or young Clark growing up in Smallville, or any of the classic Superman origin bits. Here, Superman is already an established character, Clark already works at the Daily Planet, and Superman already has a relationship with Lois Lane (in more ways than one). And because of this, there's no need to waste screen time telling the story of Superman, because the movie already assumes we know everything about Superman.

This setup also circumvents the problems of "retconning," where writers rewrite history by changing the details of an established character's origins. Batman Begins had Bruce Wayne meeting Ra's Al Ghul first thing, while, in the comics, he didn't show up until much, much later. The Hulk gave Bruce Banner a Hulk-like father. Fantastic Four gave Dr. Doom some ridiculous powers and mutations, and Spiderman was actually able to generate webbing, something he did through artificial means in the comics. It drives long-time fans of the characters nuts.

(The comics make these same mistakes as well. At one time, there were two Supermen, Superboy, Supergirl, Superdog, and the inhabitants of the miniature Kryptonian city of Kandor. They were all "disappeared" 20 years ago, in order to make Superman the sole survivor from Krypton, only to reappear a month or so ago. This shit actually happens all the time.)

But Superman Returns foregoes all of that character exposition, and gives us a good, old-fashioned Superman story. It's the ultimate fanboy movie. Too bad it was mostly not very good.

Comedy Central Makes Good

It's been a good two weeks for South Park. First, the "Trapped in the Closet" episode was nominated for an Emmy, which, in and of itself, may be the greatest thing the TV Academy has ever done. And now, Comedy Central has announced that they will air, for only the second time ever, that same episode this Wednesday.

This is a great time to do this, as it gives Emmy voters another chance to see this brilliant episode, and it throws a big "Fuck You" in the face of Tom Cruise and his "religion." (Yeah, sure he had a child. Sure.)

Tune in. You'll have a great time.

Leaving Las Vegas

A couple of things I learned during my most recent trip to Las Vegas:

-Treasure Island (and I refuse to call it T.I.) has totally lost all of its charm since it ditched all of the skulls and bones to become more upscale. And that's bullshit.

-And, speaking of which, while most of the resorts in Vegas are now attempting to abandon their once-ridiculous ways in order to become more "refined," Caesar's Palace just gets more preposterous. Here's the new foyer to their shopping mall:

Here's the Victoria's Secret in that same mall:

It's good to see that someone thinks that "flashy" is still good.

-I thought Anne Ramsey was dead, but, sure as shit, there she was, working in the box office at Harrah's. No signs of Sloth, Chunk, or the rest of the Goonies Gang.

-Las Vegas now has more nightclubs than every other city combined. "That was a bathroom last time we were here. Now it's a club." The ratio of clubs to Starbucks is now 2:1.

-Taking your style cues from any of the Gotti kids is a bad, bad, bad idea.

-Fernando Vargas is short.

-"I hate this airport. What kind of respectable airport doesn't have a McDonald's?" Apparently, Vegas' McCarran Airport, which makes due with two Wolfgang Puck restaurants. What a shithole.

-The pigeons in Vegas are black. No shit:


-Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill is very un-country and western. It's more Chateaubriand than country-fried steak.

-The bottle-flipping bartenders at Harrah's make Tom Cruise look like the fag he is.

-I'm not sure what Steve Wynn paid to build Wynn Las Vegas, but I'm pretty sure you could have paid off at least half of the national debt with that same money.

-If you want to stay at the Hard Rock Hotel, be prepared to be isolated from anything resembling civilization.

-"Greg" is not as common of a name as I thought.

-The Hooters Hotel and Casino contains more orange and laminated hardwood than I thought it would, if that's possible.

-Louis Vuitton is expensive.

-The Boardwalk, the one of the last "crap"sinos on The Strip, is gone:

It will almost assuredly be replaced by some anonymous mega-resort, which are now a dime a dozen.

-The new Cirque du Soleil show, The Beatles LOVE, is outstanding. It doesn't have as much of the spectacular acrobatics as the other shows, but they don't feature two hours worth of Beatles music. Worth every penny.

-Surprisingly, the waitresses at Gilley's wear the skimpiest outfits on The Strip. If Gilley's had the bartenders from Harrah's, it would be the Greatest Bar in the World.

-The Beyonce mannequin at Madame Tussauds is good times. I'm thinking of getting one for the house.

-The billboards outside the new Trump Tower claim 64 floors. I counted about 15.

-Sephora is a great place to freshen up after a long day's walk. I know, technically, it's stealing, but they wouldn't leave the testers out if they didn't want you to use them.

-I won $5.50 on the stupidest sports bet in history.

-And if one more person tries to sell me a fucking timeshare, I'm going to kill someone.

Great time; can't wait to go back

And The Nominees Are...

The 2006 Emmy nominations are out. Some random thoughts:

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
This year, the Television Academy has gone to a new voting system. Instead of tabulating the ballots and giving the award to whomever has the most votes, now the Academy asks for a dozen or so nominees from every voter, and then the top 10 or so nominees receiving the most votes are judged by a separate committee that decides the winner based on actual performance. While this seems like a good thing, as it keeps the thing from becoming a popularity contest, it has apparently ruined the process, as it's the only reason I can explain how Charlie Sheen and Kevin James got nominated for their shitastic performances on their respective shows.

Choreography
Malcom in the Middle has choreography? Who knew?

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Special
Isn't it a little redundant that the Academy Awards got nominated for an Emmy?

Outstanding Comedy Series
I suppose it's too much to ask that none of the shows that aren't Arrested Development win this.

Outstanding Guest Actor/Actress in a Comedy Series
I'm glad to see they opened this category up to more than just those who had guested on Will & Grace. That being said, anyone who guested on Extras would be a suitable winner.

Outstanding Drama Series
Uhh, where's Lost? And why, in its place, is The Sopranos, which fielded 12 of the worst episodes of TV I've ever seen? (That show has been steadily going downhill since Livia died.)

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
This should be a slamdunk for Denis Leary, which is code for "Chris Meloni will win." And who knew Six Feet Under was still on?

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Yet again, we've got someone from Arrested Development (Will Arnett this time) and Jeremy Piven, both of whom equally deserve to win. That being said, the super-gay guy from Will & Grace will win.

Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
Uhh, Rescue Me? Anyone?

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
In the three years it was on the air, Arrested Development was nominated for this five times. It's two for two on wins. Yet Fox didn't think that was good enough to keep it on the air. Let's give it to them a third time, and show Fox that, yes, they did cancel the funniest show on TV and should be killed.

In The News

It was a fairly busy news day, so I thought I'd comment on some of the stories I saw on CNN while eating lunch today.

-Kenneth Lay, the former Chairman and chief architect of the collapse of Enron, died today at 64 from an apparent heart attack, just a month after being found guilty of defrauding thousands of people of millions of dollars.

Honestly, this is the Best Case scenario for Lay. Let's see: spend the next 20-30 years in jail, or drop dead. Hmmmm. I wouldn't be surprised if they found about five gallons of Drano in Lay during the autopsy. Oh, and fuck you, Skilling; you just got this whole rap dumped on your head.

-North Korea conducted seven long-range missile tests, much to the chagrin of the rest of the planet.

N. Korea is funny. Here's a country where, like, 90% of the population lives in poverty with no electricity, yet here their government is, conducting billions of dollars worth of ICBM tests. And, to think: their neighbors to the south chose to develop their economy rather than their military. Stupid South Koreans!

-Atlantic City, due to a New Jersey budgetary crisis, which has caused the state to lay off all of their gambling inspectors, closed all of its casinos. Apparently, the casinos aren't allowed to operate if there are no inspectors available.

I don't know about you, but, if I'm the governor of New Jersey, I'm pulling out my personal checkbook and writing out whatever check it takes to balance this budget, because, quite honestly, there is no reason to be in New Jersey, other than to gamble in Atlantic City. I suspect people will begin moving out of the state very shortly.

-Bertelsmann Music Group, co-owner of Sony BMG, the world's second largest record company, is in talks with Sony to sell its 50% stake in the company to its co-owner.

With all of the shit that Sony has gone through in recent months, this is the last thing they need. "Yeah, we know you're hemorrhaging money trying to get the PS3 into the market, but we think we'd like to sell this record company to you. You can afford it, right?" If I'm Sir Howard Stringer, Sony's CEO, I'm putting a gun in my mouth.

Super-Bland Returns

I was pretty excited to see the new Superman movie, the first in almost two decades. And, being a fan of the previous Superman movies (well, the first two, at least), I hoped this one would be great. And, it kinda sorta is. (BTW, this entire thing is going to be spoilers, so stop reading if you don't want to know.)

The plot is irrelevant (and stupid to boot). What everyone wants to know is: Is it any good? Well, there's a lot of extremely cool shit to look at, like Superman catching an airplane before it crashes into a baseball game, or Superman flying right through a building to catch the globe falling from the top of the Daily Planet building. But, whenever Superman isn't doing anything super, the movie is just dead in the water. There's nothing going on to get us excited. Unlike the previous films (well, at least the first two), which built on a romance between Lois and Superman, this one keeps them apart, which doesn't do anything to keep us interested at all. (I found it somewhat funny and ironic that Lois is dating Cyclops from X-Men.) And the gripping conclusion has Superman in a coma. Wow. Exciting.

I also didn't care for the new Superman this movie introduced: Deadbeat Dad Superman. Previously, we've had Plainclothes Superman, who destroyed a hillbilly bar while disguised as Clark Kent, as well as Drunk-and-Horny Superman, who was mean and had a three-day old beard. Those iterations were humorous; Deadbeat Dad Superman isn't funny at all.

What is funny is Lex Luther's plot to create a new continent. I'm not the supergenius that Luther is, but this really didn't seem like a good or profitable idea to me, even though I'm only slightly less evil than Lex.

And I'm pretty sure that Brandon Rousch is a clone of Christopher Reeve, because, not only do they look the same, they sound the same too.

Sorry to say, but Superman Returns is not the return we had been hoping for. Maybe the inevitable sequel will be better.

HD Video Is Here

During a recent shopping trip out browsing at TVs, I saw the first HD-DVD player for sale. (This trip was somewhat ironic, as my TV would die days later. Good thing I went and looked.) Some thoughts:

-The thing is HUGE; like first-VCR-you-bought-in-1983 huge. There was a Sony DVD Walkman across the aisle that, player and screen included, was the size of a stack of three Reader's Digests. Yet this thing is about the size of a breadbox, which, well, isn't all that small, contrary to the old saying.

-At $499, they're priced to sell. I realize that $500 is still a lot, but for a next-generation piece of technology that been on the market for less than a month, that's still a good price. Conversely, the Samsung Blu-ray player that they had in stock, but none on display, is going for $999. (I think it's somewhat humiliating for Sony, which developed Blu-ray technology, to get beat to the market by a competitor, while their own player is still months away.) Blu-ray is, in many ways, superior to HD-DVD, but John Q. Moviewatcher really doesn't care about all that technical crap; they just want a player that doesn't cost $1000. (Another punch in the balls for Sony.)

-There is a great selection of movies for HD-DVD. They had a lot of good titles in stock just there, and Amazon.com has around 100 titles for sale. They had some Blu-ray movies too, and (surprise, surprise) they were the same movies (oh, and Underworld: Evolution) that Sony first offered for the PSP. So, 100 movies vs. five. Nice.

-Another thing about the movies that pisses me off: the cases are smaller. The cases are about a 1/4 inch thinner and an inch shorter than regular DVD cases. HD-DVD and Blu-ray discs are the same size as DVDs, yet we DVD users get stuck with these gimondo cases. What's the deal?

Right now, these players are too expensive for my frugal tastes, but, give it a couple of years; they'll be down to a couple hundred bucks, right in my price range.

Selling Out For Screech

As I've mentioned before, I'm not a big fan of ads on websites. But, a special story has broken my heart and caused me to make an exception. Yep, that's right: I'm giving up ad space to Screech.

As some of you may have heard, Dustin Diamond, who played lovable retard Screech on Saved by the Bell (and stayed with the show after Zach joined the NYPD, Jessie became a stripper, and Kelly got tits and moved to 90210), has come to have some problems with the house he owns in Port Washington, WI. Due to the property values in the PW going up, and Dustin's bad credit, he is now forced to come up $250,000 to keep his house. As Dustin is a d-list celebrity, $250,000 is not easy to come up with. So, he has decided to sell t-shirts, at $15 a pop, with an image of him holding a sign reading, "Save My House." For an extra $5, he'll even autograph it for you. It's a plea for help.

Why, you ask, have I chosen to throw my support behind such an obvious bit of whoredom? I felt no need to shell out money to Pete Rose to pay off his gambling debts. Nor have I felt the need to contribute to Suzanne Somers' or Chuck Norris' or any other celebrity's infomercial retirement funds. So, why this one? Because it's fucking Screech.

You have to give props to a guy who, I'm sure, in real life, is just a likeable average guy, yet, on TV, played one of the biggest mongoloid retards ever. And what has Screech ever done to you, other than make you glad that you weren't Screech? Plus, being a WI resident and having lived in Milwaukee, of which Port Washington is a suburb, for eight years, I feel a responsibility to help a statewide brother out.

So, if you're a Screech fan, or just feel like being charitable, go to GetDshirts.com, or click on the link under the "Dustin Diamond Edition" poll, and pick up your shirt. You'll feel better for it, and it will keep Screech close to you for years to come.

Don't Break A Hip, For Christ's Sake

Rented Firewall this weekend. It was formulaic, predictable, and not very good, which is basically what I expected. What I didn't expect was to see Harrison Ford doing almost all of his own stuntwork.

Ford is 64 years old, but there he is, falling off buildings, breaking through windows, and generally throwing his old ass all over the place. One doesn't expect to see someone as old as their grandfather getting the piss beat out of him. But, Ford does it. He breaks more wood with his body in just this one movie than Bruce Lee did in his entire career.

You'll never get me to admit that the guy is any kind of actor (unless you call playing the same role in every movie "acting"), but I'll give it to the guy that he's got balls for kicking the shit out of himself. Bravo, you old bastard; bravo. I just hope your Medicare covers any injuries you sustained.

How Not To Spend Your Advertising Budget

One of the things (probably the only thing) that has ever impressed me about MySpace is the fact that it's always been rather sparse on ads. There's the occasional banner ad, but, otherwise, no pop-ups, no Goooooogle search results; just a nice clean interface. Well, until today, at least.

Today, I log onto MySpace, and find this, quite possibly the biggest ad ever for Superman Returns. In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd think I'd stumbled onto the Superman Returns official website (which is actually not as flashy).
What's even more puzzling is why MySpace would feature advertising for Superman. MySpace is owned by News Corp., the parent of 20th Century Fox. Superman is a Warner Brothers movie. Why would a company, which also runs a movie studio, put a huge ad for a competitor's movie on the front page of its largest website? Apparently, that crazy Australian that runs News Corp. thinks it's a good idea. I, personally, might put up some ads for one of my company's own movies, like, say, The Devil Wears Prada, which opens on the same day as Superman, and probably needs all the ad help it can get. (I saw the trailer for this the other day, and I believe it was nothing more than the first four minutes of the actual film. That's some lazy editing.)

But, I guess this is why I'm not in charge of a multi-billion dollar corporation. I have some really stooopid ideas.

A Bad Omen

The Girl is a big Omen fan. As we've seen it a number of times, I've become a fan as well. Needless to say, it was pretty much preordained that we were going to see the Omen remake. And now, having seen it, maybe we shouldn't have.

As far as remakes go, this one is extremely faithful to the original. The producers, rather than write a new screenplay, just used the original screenplay. (This raises the question of, if you aren't going to try and bring something new or different to a movie, why bother remaking it?) There are scenes, even bits of dialogue, that are exactly the same as the original.

However, something gets lost in translation. This movie just doesn't have the creepy resonance of the original. It's too slickly made, much like every other horror made these days. Even though it's almost the exact same movie, it just isn't the same. (One change I did appreciate was the appearance of '80s Italian horror movie staple John Morghen.)

If you haven't seen the original, you might really enjoy this. If you have, don't bother; you're not going to see anything you haven't already seen.

LT & GP: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars

When was the last time you remember seeing a concert movie? Not a comedy concert movie (which, surprisingly, still turn up fairly regularly), but a musical concert movie. Possibly never, as I think the last concert movie shown in theatres was The Stones At the Max, and that only showed in IMAX theatres. And it's not as though there's not a lot of great ones out there, like Gimme Shelter, The Last Waltz, and (of course) Woodstock. They just don't get made anymore, and, unless they're fairly famous films (like the ones I listed), you probably haven't seen any. I personally have only seen two: Elvis' Aloha from Hawaii (which has a great soundtrack, even if Elvis kinda yada-yadas his way through "Johnny Be Good") and today's selection: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.

For those not in the know, Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders was the alias for David Bowie and his band. They toured under this name for two records: Ziggy Stardust and Aladdin Sane. The Ziggy Stardust movie is a filming of the last show of that tour, notable as not only being the last show, but the last time that Bowie and the band referred to themselves as Ziggy and the Spiders. (Bowie played with that lineup for two more records, but went back to being David Bowie. That terrible haircut remained, however.) Ten years after that show, Ziggy Stardust came out in theatres.

The film quality is terrible. This may have been taped on a camcorder. Plus, the lighting is almost non-existent. The music, however (the only reason to watch this, really), is great. Even non-fans will enjoy the lineup, which features plenty of Bowie hits. And speaking of hits, Bowie hits some all-time lows for costume choices; they're homosexual without being faggoty. There's even some really boring footage of Bowie sitting around backstage in his underwear, smoking cigarettes. (One such scene features Ringo Starr, of all people.)

All in all, a good watch; check it out.

The "Forrest Gump Of Baseball"

A couple of days ago, the Arizona Diamondbacks released pitched Jason Grimsley. This normally wouldn't be a big deal, as, in 17 seasons, he hasn't amounted to shit and deserves to get cut. Pretty much a non-news story.

Except for the fact that his Arizona home was raided the day before by federal agents carrying out a warrant to search Grimsley's residence for steroids. That is what makes this a big deal.

This all goes back to April, when Grimsley was busted by postal inspectors for receiving a shipment of illegal performance enhancement drugs. During his subsequent questioning by authorities, Grimsley laid out his entire history of steroid use and how he had been receiving shipments of the drugs for some time. More importantly, when asked if he knew anyone else who may be using the drugs, Grimsley named at least a dozen players and persons associated with Major League Baseball whom he knew to have used performance enhancing drugs. He even made recorded phonecalls to some of these people and discussed the drugs with them.

This all happened over a couple of weeks. Shortly thereafter, Grimsley stopped cooperating with authorities. They began working a case up against him, and, on Tuesday, they raided his home in hopes of finding more drugs.

Now, I've heard some people say that this will go nowhere, as Grimsley is a nobody, and everyone else in baseball who's been caught using steroids has gotten off fairly scot-free. But those players tested positive for steroids; they didn't get busted for actually possessing them, much less receiving multiple shipments. If the authorities (and these are federal authorities, btw) decide to prosecute this, Grimsley could go away for possession, maybe even trafficking. But I don't think the feds will go after that.

Grimsley has been in baseball for 17 years. He's played for seven different teams over the years, and has had close interaction with hundreds of players and personnel on those teams. He's been teammates with Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro, both admitted steroid users. He played with Sammy Sosa, who's been on the "watch list" for some time. He shares a trainer (which have been a long suspected source of performance drugs) with Albert Pujols. Grimley is to baseball's steroid problem as John Dean was to Watergate: He's the guy who's been everywhere and seen everything, and could bust this thing wide open. If pressured into turning state's evidence, Grimsley could implicate a number of players in the whole steroid brouhaha.

People who don't think this is a big deal need to consider that this Grimsley thing may be the best and worst thing to ever happen to baseball. It may put an end to the steroid problem, but it may destroy the whole sport in the process. We'll see how it pans out.

How Not To Carry The Titles Anyone Wants

Sometimes, I get in funny moods for movies. For example, if I'm jonesing for some Cannibal Movies, I'll fill up my Greencine queue with such shit as Cannibal Apocalypse and Jungle Holocaust, and I'll be all set. The other night, I needed a Matt Damon Spy Movie fix, which, well, basically encompasses two movies: The Bourne Identity and Supremacy. So, I went to the video store.

Being a movie buff, I tend to be picky about what video stores I frequent. I usually prefer the small chain or independant store to the "big box" ones like Blockbuster and Hollywood, not only because they tend to be cheaper, but they usually have a better selection of movies. (I will say, though, that no one, not even actual candy stores, can beat Blockbuster's candy and snack selection.) I chose to go to Family Video, a small chain store, which is big enough to have a decent supply of new releases, but small enough that they consciously stock a good selection of older movies in VHS and DVD. Plus, you get two-for-one on all "library" titles, which I figured the Bourne Movies would fall under.

That is, if they carried those movies. Yes, Family Video does not carry them. Not in the "New Releases," not in "Nearly New," not in "Favorites," not even in "Soon To Be Pitched Out." Oh sure, they have Dollman vs. Demonic Toys on VHS, and Dr. Jeckel & Ms. Hyde , the one where Tim Daly turns into Sean Young, but not a Bourne Movie to speak of. Actually, that's not true. They did have The Bourne Identity, but it was the Richard Chamberlain TV movie version; not what I'm looking for.

It's odd that not even a small video store would carry these. It's not like these are obscure little arthouse movies. The Bourne Movies made over $300 million in the States alone. And yet, Family Video doesn't carry them. So, I went to Premiere Video, an indie store, and, sure as shit, they did me right. In fact, they had four copies of each, on VHS and DVD.

I'm usually a fan of Big Business, but the little guy won out on this one, as they usually do in the video store biz.

What The Living Fuck

Everyone knows I hate "Greatest" lists. They are almost invariably wrong. In some of the
recent lists, I thought maybe I'd seen the nadir of "Greatest" lists.

But now, a British website and magazine has come up with The Worst "Greatest" List in the History of the World. They have come up with The Greatest 100 Albums Ever. The list was compiled from a poll of 40,000 people, just by asking them what the best album ever was. Go take a look and come on back, because you know I have to comment on this.

Done? Here goes:

-Radiohead is not even a good band, yet have two spots in the top 10. You people are totally fucking mental.

-Sgt. Pepper's isn't even the best Beatles album, much less the #2 ever.

-The words "Spice Girls" and "greatest" should not even be mentioned in the same paragraph, unless you're talking about how the Spice Girls are the greatest pieces of shit ever.

-If you prefer The Libertines' Up the Bracket to Bowie's Hunky Dory, you must also prefer asphyxiation to breathing, and I will oblige by choking you to death.

-Why is it that people who vote in these things prefer Sign o' the Times to Purple Rain? Apparently, because they're idiots.

-I'm amused to see Appetite for Destruction and Come On Over on the list. I'm fucking dying of laughter to see Ray of Light.

-Oasis definitely (no maybe about it) didn't make the greatest album ever. I'll give it up that they're a decent band, but no way is that record better than (just to use albums in the top 10) Revolver, Dark Side, or Nevermind.

As always, an insanely disappointing list. Like the saying goes: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.